Hi! I don't know how much good the words of an online stranger would do, but I love your writing so much and ALSR has carried me through a lot of stuff, so I might as well try to say something.
My best friend went through her first pregnancy last year and it was absolutely horrible and debilitating. Wonderful as well, she's a great mom and loves her child very much. You mentioned in your post that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing and that you still feel like it isn't enough. Taking your meds and eating isn't the bare minimum, the bare minimum is zero. You doing all those things despite them being a really hard thing to do, even if they appear simple, is already a lot.
Your entire body is making another person from scratch. Pregnancy can pull calcium from your bones, cause diabetes, swelling on your extremities, shorten your breath, damage your spine... and those are just the most well known things! Most of your energy goes to that, so if you can only manage to eat and take your meds, it's enough. Do other pregnant people do that too? Yeah, but I think outsiders miss how big of a struggle is. My friend wasn't able to clean the house most weeks, her partner took over those tasks because she was constantly exhausted, and she still pushed herself to do it some days and then had to rest for 3!
I say this not to minimise your struggles, but because I think so many people struggle through pregnancy in silence, and even if we think of pregnancy as a taxing thing to go through, that barely touches it.
You're not useless nor lazy!!
Worrying about disability affecting parenthood is completely understandable. Will create obstacles? Yeah. But we're all navigating a world that wasn't made keeping us in mind. The good thing about the disabled community is that disabled parents develop strategies and share them, there are resources, and you will develop strategies of your own too. That doesn't erase the anxiety, all I want is to remind you that being disabled doesn't mean you'll be lacking as a parent. I wish I had parents that care as much as it is obvious you do, and children are smart, they can tell.
When it comes to writing, I see your frustration, but giving an outlet to that energy in a way that is compatible to the fucking olympic sport being pregnant is, doesn't need to look like writing chapter upon chapter of your WIPs. It can be role-playing with a friend something related to what you're writing, typing absolute garbage stories on your phone, talking about your plotlines to someone, or typing plot points on a short list format. One scriptwritting professor I had in uni once told me (this literally happened, like, it's not an inspirational quote) that if you can't manage to do the big story now, do the little brother in the meantime, it can grow bigger later. If all you can manage is the little brother, go for it. If actual writing isn't possible now, talk about what you wanna write to someone.
Wanting to write but having no energy to do so, or being in the wrong headspace is exhausting, (moreso when you're 3d printing another human!) if the outlet of that creative energy is something other than a text document it's okay!
Your mind and your body are running a marathon everyday, you're not "just existing", you're constantly managing physical changes and their impact on you.
I've no idea if my words will be of any help, I just hope it helps you feel seen. I think the things you're struggling with happen so much and are not talked about enough. You're not failing at anything, be kind to yourself
Thank you so much 😭💜 I don't usually like to shout into the ether like that but venting to my therapist isn't cutting it lately. I really deeply appreciate the kind words, especially on rough days like today.
I don't usually like to share misery with people, either—I would rather somebody in the equation be okay—but reading about your friend did make me feel less...alone? Guilty? Defective? I'm sorry her experience was so rough and I hope she and her family are doing better now!
I knew pregnancy was going to be hard when I signed up for it. I just didn't know it was going to exacerbate all of my illnesses to the degree that it has. My wife keeps reminding me that this state of being is temporary and that when I'm not pregnant I'm usually more functional and independent, but I can't even remember what my "normal" feels like anymore. We've been looking up tips for disabled parents and asking some friends with their own challenges and considerations for advice, and that's been really helpful. I still end up feeling like I'm somehow the exception, though, like everything is going to be worse for me and I'm going to do a worse job just by virtue of it being me, which is stupid and melodramatic. So I'm trying to talk myself out of that. I know that kind of defeatism isn't helpful to anyone.
Writing, though... Is it obvious that ALASR has been an outlet for me venting my disabilities on Xie Lian lol? Maybe that should help me pick it up again. It's just been hard to focus on any outlet or hobby when I can barely stay clear-headed for an hour at a time, when I end up dissociating or spiraling or both at once. I'll try and give myself some grace, though. I keep imagining that in a month I'll be on night shift putting the baby to sleep and I'll have some time to do some insomnia-fueled writing. We'll see what the kiddo lets me get away with.
"3D printing another human" made me laugh 💜
Really, thank you so much for taking the time to send a message. It was more helpful and reassuring than you might realize. I hope you have a great day 💜
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