Dare2Dream - [WRITE]2Dream

"It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated." - Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

[writes2live]

I watched "Love, Simon" twice - Once by myself and once with two of my church friends. And I suddenly had a flashback to a lunch period during my Junior year of high school.

"Ducky": Hey, Sean, where's your group?

Sean: Oh, they're all out sick today.

me: Wait. So let me get this straight. They're out sick, so you're planning to eat lunch by yourself?

Sean: Yeah. Well, I don't really have anyone else to eat with, so that's the idea.

"Ducky": Yo... Why don't you sit with us then? We don't want you eating alone.

Sean: I don't want to be a bother.

me: C'mon! Get your things and sit with us! We would feel bad if we let one of our own friends sit alone during lunch just because their usual gang's not here!

Scott: *as Sean skips away happily to get his things, to our table in a hushed tone* Guys, what are you doing?

"Ducky": We're letting him join us for lunch.

Scott: You guys know what he is, right?

Kristen: *as well all exchange "WTF?" looks with one another* Umm..... Human?

me: *gasping with over exaggeration, extremely sarcastically* HE WAS A /HUMAN/?! NO! GET OUT! I THOUGHT HE WAS A MONKEY!

"Ducky": *matching my sarcasm* I heard he's a boy.

me: NO! SHUT UP! HE'S A /BOY/?!

Scott: GUYS! Cut it OUT! You guys know what I mean!

me: No, Scott. We don't. Enlighten us. What IS he?

Scott: He's.. Well, you know. He's..... He's..... He's GAY!

me: *as the others and I exchange looks* Well, yeah, of course he's gay. We've all known for years, Scott. Even when he and I were freshmen here in the high school, just the way he talked and behaved it was extremely apparent just the way he walked, talked, behaved, and dressed. What's your point?

Scott: Doesn't that bother you guys? Any of you guys?

"Ducky": Should it?

Scott: He's into other guys!

me: And that should bother us because.......?

Scott: Because it's weird...!

me: Scott, if you're worried about him turning you into a gay, just so you know, LGBTQ community isn't like Christians trying convert the straights into one of them. It's not like a cult where living sacrifices are made. They're just a group of people that has different preferences than we straights do. They DO have these things called.... Uh.... Yo, "Ducky", what's that word I'm looking for?

"Ducky": Feelings?

me: *snapping my fingers, points at "Ducky" while looking at Scott with a raised brow*

Scott: But he's GAY!

me: And we DON'T CARE! If spending time with them can turn us gay in short peropd of time, I must be a lesbian because I spent the same cabin for summer camps with a lesbian for a week at a time, several years in a row. Sleeping quarters, showers, bathroom, everything. *looking around the others, sarcastically* How come no one's told me that I'm a lesbian? How come you all let me go believing I was straight?

Scott: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING!

me: Then what ARE you saying? Better yet, why are you o concerned about him sitting with us? We love the guy, too, so if you have a problem because you have homophobia, we're not stopping you from sitting with another group that we all know. *pointing to another group sitting only few tables away* Like them. Maria's boyfriend and his gang. We all know him, and as far as any of us are aware, none of them are of LGBTQ community. You're so afraid to even sit with Sean, you can go sit with them, because we're having Sean sit with us.

"Ducky": It's your choice, Scott. Sit with us even today or you can join another table for the day.

[writes2live]

Endless Wonders/Questions

I drug his name through godless places. And I've known shame that No child of His should know. I've seen pain on broken faces - Beyond all thought of hope. I was just too far from home. Still I always wondered when I close my eyes -

난 하나님의 이름을 안조은곴가지 끌고 아녔다.

그리고 나는 하나님의 자녀들이 몰라야 할겄가지

다 알고있다.

난 힘드러하는 얼굴들애도 아픔을 보았다 –

이 새상애는 힘이 다 없어진서갔다.

난 집애서 너무 멀리 떠러저 왔다.

그래도 나는 눈가믈대마다 이 한 생각릉 한다 –

After all I've done - Could He run to me? Would He kiss my face? Could He even look at me? After where I've been - Should He take me back? I would understand -  I’ve disgraced Him. But it would be amazing If He still calls me son.

내가 그 짔들을 했어도 –

하나님이 나한태 뛰어올까?

나를 뽀뽀나 해줄까?

하나님은 나를 처다볼수나 있을까?

내가 안조은 곴애 있어는대도 –

하나님은 나를 다시 바다줄 자신이 있을까?

안그렀다면 나는 이해를 하갰다 –

나는 하나님의 이름을 아주 놀였지.

그런대 신가하긴 신기할꺼다 –

하나님이 날 아직도 자기 아들이라고 불러준다면.

  Born into a Christian family and raised as a Christian, all I can really say is that I've grown up to know only the stories told in the bible. And if anyone were to come up to me and began talking to m about nearly any biblical stories, it's most likely that I know exactly which story is being talked of and will lose complete interest in matter of no time.

But past 10 years, while being an atheist, I had a lot to think about.

What's really the true way?

Which religion really speaks the truth?

  Are there really these things called "Gods"?

Did the Greeks have the right idea with all these Gods that they had - Such as Cupid the God of Love, and Poseidon the God of Sea, so on and so forth with rest of the Gods and Goddesses. But now, the biggest question stands for me, and that's in the very first verse of "Still Calls Me Son" by John Waller.

After all I've done, would God even look at me, take me back full heartedly, and even go as far as embracing me and kissing me on my cheeks as He tells me the words, "Welcome back home, my child/daughter; I've been waiting for you"?

I wonder this the most because 5 year ago, on September 11, 2009, I had a chance to commit suicide. I had a chance to end my life while being an atheist. Now, this may seem as though the answer is already in the thoughts of what would happen if I actually followed through itself – No, God would most likely not take me back, but rather shun me away. After all, He had given me a life for a reason and for a purpose, correct?

My purpose, I feel, is now to be an Editor out in a publication company somewhere. And throughout my high school years, if I remember anything boring when walking through the halls, it’s that I’ve always wanted some sort of office job whenever seeing the part time job offers that my school would post up in one of their bulletin boards. Now, what stopped me? My parents. Every time I had asked if it would be alright for me to get a part time job in let’s say a lawyer’s office, which pretty much consisted of just helping out with filing paperwork and answering the phone, they would shut me down, saying I’d be just wasting my time when I could easily spend time studying. And I followed all their instructions when it came to the part time jobs – I simply did NOT get one. Period. No matter how much I wanted to do so, and no matter how much I wanted to feel proud of myself for earning my own money, my parents simply shut me down. And trying to be the good child, I always followed through no matter how much I hated it.

Now, let’s take it back to my middle school years. My seventh (7th) grade. It’s the year my depression began, and for three years of my life, I lived through even suicidal thoughts in silence. It was all in hopes that if I ignored it, it would all just go away. But I think we all know how that goes – The longer the suicidal thoughts are ignored, the worse they become. At least that’s how it was for me for three years. When I hit my sophomore (10th grade) year, my suicidal thoughts got so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was even called into the Guidance Office by my Guidance Counselor, and he saw it that it was so bad that he even called my parents in for a conference. How did my parents react? In front of my counselor, they acted completely calm and nodded, saying they understood what my situation was. But the second we got home, I was yelled at by being called a liar and an attention whore. I was even told to keep my mouth shut and stop going around telling lies to everyone of how I was going through depression. How I was a suicidal. Little did they know that I was also an atheist, and the moment I got yelled at for being a suicidal and being called a liar, I knew for certain that I couldn’t tell them what I’ve been past three years in terms of religions. I had no guidance back to God, and I was simply running further and further away.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself – How does not getting a part time job and being yelled at by being called a liar have anything to do with wondering why God won’t take her back? I’ve always followed my parents’ instructions and orders with exception of a few matters – such as Marching Band. My parents always wanted me to quit Marching Band and even quit Anime Club, but I stuck with what I knew I loved. With what I knew had to be done in order to try and compress my depression and suicidal thoughts as far into the back of my mind as I could so that I could feel like a normal kid for once in my life.

And all that time, throughout high school, I kept quiet about my depression just the way my parents wanted. And then college rolled around, and I graduated from high school and went into my then number one choice university. What’s funny is that by that point, it’s been about good five (5) to six (6) years of my life that I’ve gone through depression, and that very first semester of college, I got to dorm. Finally get away from my parents that’s been telling me day in and day out of what I can and cannot do. And just like the day I became an atheist, I felt as if I were free.

However, let me tell you a funny thing about depression and having to keep quiet – The longer you keep quiet about it, and the more you try and keep yourself from finding help that you need for it, you only become enslaved to the suicidal thoughts. And I for one was a slave to it and still am. I didn’t want anything else but to die. It didn’t matter if it was by a bullet to the head, a knife to either the heart or the stomach, or even by finding the tallest building I could find and jumping to my death – I’ve become a slave to wanting nothing more than welcoming death with open arms.

Today, July 17, 2014, I finally got my very first and last tattoo – A tattoo of a Fairy Tail guild mark from the series known as Fairy Tail. Now, it may seem like a stupid thing to do, especially for someone who’s currently stuck between two realms – The Atheism and the Christianity. But during my darkest times, when I felt as if God was just failing me over and over again, the one thing I always did turn to in order to be able to keep smiling when in the darkest place was anime, and let’s just say that there are things in the Fairy Tail series that I wish I had that I felt as if I never had – Friends that actually are able to see past the fake smiles and keep badgering me on what was bothering me so that they may be able to help in any and all ways possible. But even with having one best friend that I felt as if I could tell everything to, I felt as if I never had that one person who could truly feel my pain to bother asking if I was truly alright. And just like the day I told them that I was a suicidal in front of my high school Guidance Counselor, I was yelled at and looked down upon. And just like countless amount of times before, I’m being told to get out of the house and never come back. To never show my face ever again.

And just like many other countless of times, I can’t help but wonder, Did I make the right decision on September 11, 2009 by not jumping out my dorm room window and committing suicide then and there when I actually had the chance? And if I didn’t, I can’t help but wonder if God would have turned me away. If He would still turn me away today if I were to actually just pack all my things, or at least as much as I can carry on my back, and just leave my parents as they wish and to prove that I can actually follow instructions when all they say is that I always do exactly the opposite of what they ask out of me.

Lately, I’ve been getting thoughts of perhaps finding a gun store all over again just so I can purchase a hand gun, all so I can just shoot myself in the head like I feel every once in a blue moon that I should have years ago as a high schooler. And every now and then, if it’s not the gun, I still wonder if I should just make it easier on myself and instead of going to a gun store to buy a gun and one bullet to put through my head, if I should just walk into the kitchen and stab myself with one of the kitchen knives.

Whenever I look at how big of a mess my life truly is and have been past several years, I can’t help but always think how I wish no other parents will actually overlook what their child’s going through. Especially – ESPECIALLY – when their child comes up to them to say, “Mom, dad, I’m going through a depression and I actually think I may be a suicidal.” Because my parents were never there for me when I came out to them on the subject matter, and I’ve only been struggling so much to the point where I lost faith in God, and leaned only towards anime and manga just to keep myself smiling and laughing. And to have the Fairy Tail tattoo is only a reminder of what I had to do to get through my depression all these years, and to be yelled at with all seriousness to get out and never show my face ever again only makes me wonder if I should just do as they please and disappear for good.

After all, I liked my face the way it was before the plastic surgery. But I changed it to keep them happy.

When moving from town to town, I always hated it and I never had the chance to make actual solid friends. But I moved just to keep them happy rather than say, “I don’t want to move and I don’t want to lose any of my friends.”

When my parents loved the church where I became an atheist at, I couldn’t tell them I hated the church. All so I could keep them happy at the church they loved.

And when I was told to get keep my mouth shut about going through depression and being a suicidal, and stop “lying” just to get attention, I did just as asked. All to keep them happy. And to this day, whenever I bring this subject up, all I get in return is a lecture of how I’m constantly lying all the while holding it over their heads for being so upset with the subject matter. To top it off, being yelled at in the face of the very words, “Can you stop blaming us for what happened to you? It’s your fault for having been hospitalized! Not ours!”

Nearly every single day, I can’t help but wonder, “Should I just commit suicide? My parents already seem to be lying to my face day in and day out about even loving me in the first place, so there’s no point in living if them loving me is a lie, right? Especially if the parents are supposed to be there to show their children what God’s love looks like, wouldn’t that mean He actually hates and despises me?”

And every single day of my life, I wonder, after all I've done, would God even look at me, take me back full heartedly, and even go as far as embracing me and kissing me on my face? And would He even if I were to commit suicide at any given time?

얘수 그리스도 밌는 식구 안으로 태어나, 애수 그리스도 밌는 자로 내 부모님둘은 날 키웠다. 그러면서 선경책에 있는 이야기들은 다 아라가기도 해지. 누가 마냑애 나한태 선격책에 나오는 이야기들 대애서 말하기 시작하면, 난 붕명이 어떤 이야기 되에서 말하는지 알고, 관심은 쉬웂개 없어지는 편이다.

지난 10년동안 얘수 안밌는 사람으로 사는중 나는 여러가지되애서 생각을 해 보았다.

똣바르고 사실이 드러가있는 길은 어던 길일까?

어떤 미듬이 사실을 말할까?

“하나님들” 이라는건 진짜로 있을까?

그릭 사람들은 여러 하나님들과 여신들이 있다는거 마든게 똣바루은 생각 이었을까? 사랑애 하나님 큐피드, 바다의 하나님 포새이돈, 과 따른 하나님들과 여신들 말이다.

지금은 나한태 진짜로 딱 한문재가 서있다, 그리고 그 문재는 존 월러 의 노래 “Still Calls Me Son” 첬재국에 들어가 있다.

내가 지금까지 한겄가지고는 하나님이 날 처다보고, 다시 바다주고, 그리고 날 아나주기나 하면서 날 뽀뽀나 해주기나 할까? 내가 하나님깨서, “집에 드디어 도라왔구나, 내 아이야/딸아; 난 널 지금까지 기다리고 있었다,” 말 드를수나 있을까?

난 이걸 재일 강하개 뭇는 이우는 5년전, 9월 11일 2009년 에, 난 자살할 기회가 있었다. 난 얘수 그리스도 안 밋는 상태로 자살할 기회가 있었기데문이다. 하지만 지금은 아무리 생각을 해바도 답은 발근 하늘처럼 보인다 – 마냑애 내가 그날 자살했다면, 하나님은 분명히 날 처다보지도 안은채로 날 그냥보낼거갔다. 이우는 내가 있는 이우가 하나님이 날 이우있는채로 만든거 아니냐?

내가 느끼는건 내가 이새상에 있다는 이우는 어떤 책 퍼브리싱 컴패니에서 애디터로 일하는개 이우갔다. 그리고 내가 고등학교 다니면서 재일 재미없는 시간을 지낼대 재일 기억애 남는 기억이 있다며는 나는 법의 오피스 갔튼대에서 알바 하고싶었다 – 파일도 다 똣바른곴에 너으면서 전화도 바더주는 알바. 하지만 내 부모님들이 어떤 알바던 다 반대 하셨지 – 그래서 알바 해본적도 없었어고. 난 아무리 해고싶어바도 나는 내 부모님들을 행복하개 만들시위하여 내가 실어하는겄도 거히다 해주었다.

이잰 내 중학교 시절 되에서 얘기를 하자. 7햑년 (중 1년) 이얼슬대 되애서. 내가 불경기 생기기 시작하는 년이었고, 3년동안은 자살 하고싶은 생각하며 조용하개 사라갔다. 나는 조용하개 있었던 이우는 조용하게 있으면 자살갔은 생각이 없어질꺼라는 미듬이 있었다. 하지만 그건 아무나 다 알갰지 – 더 오래동안 조용하개 있으면 그 자살이라는 생각은 더 심각해질거다. 다른 사람들은 몰으갰지만 나한태는 그 다음 3년 동안 사실이다. 내가 10학년 (고 1년) 되었을데 내 자살된 생각이 너무 심각해저 내 선생님이 그걸 보고 나와 내 부모님들을 불어냈지. 내 부모님들은 어덨게 항동을 뇠냐? 선생님 앞에서는 알갰다와 아라 듰는다라고 고개를 까덕 까덕 거리고, 내 앞에서는 야단을 첫다. 내가 거진말쟁이라고 불르고 나는 그냥 다른 사람들을 날 처다볼 이우를 찼는 인간이라고 불었다. 거기에다간 나보고 조용히있고 자살갔은거 하고싶다는 거지말 좀 치지말라고 모라고 했다. 나는 얘수도 안밌는 사람이었는대, 거진말쟁이라고 부모님들께서 야단 맜고나니, 그말도 못 꺼냈다. 3년동안 얘수를 안미덨다는 마를 못 했다. 나는 하나님한태 다시 도라갈 길도 안보이고 내 손을 자바줄수있는 사람이 없는채로 나는 하나님한태선 더 멀리 떠러지고 있었다.

이걸 일그면서 하나를 지금쯤 뭇고 있갰지 – 어떴개 알바를 못 하는겄과 거진말 쟁이라고 야단마진개 다 하나님이 왜 이 여자랄 안바드릴거라는 생각과 연결이 되있을까? 마칭 밴드갔은겄만 빼고 나는 내 부모님들이 하라는건 거이다 해주고, 하지 말라는 건 거이다 안했다. 내 부모님들은 내가 마칭 밴드와 일본 뫈화 크러브를 고만 두라고 여러번은 말했지만, 나는 그런개 내가 누군고 진짜로 행복한개 무슨 느낌인지 느껴저 대속 빠저나가진 않았다. 그 두가지떼문에 자살되애서 한번도 생각도 안하고, 처음으로 멀정한 아이처럼 – 멀정한 인간처럼 – 느껴젔다.

고등학교 다니면서, 그 4 년동안 내 부모님들이 원하는대로 난 조용하고 아무 문재없는 겄처럼 다 녔다. 대학교 다닐 시간이 되자, 나는 고등학교 조럽하고 기숙사까지 드러가 살기되었다. 그때까지는 벌서 자살 하고싶었던 생각이 있었던게 5년 과 6년 사이쯤은 되었다. 나는 기숙사에 드러갔을데 처음으로 아무겄도 걱정 않해도 된다는 느낌이 있었지.

하나 우낀걸 지금 알려주갰다 – 자살은 더 오랬동안 말도 않아고 더 오랬동안 조용하개 있으면서 더 심해진다. 그리고 더 혼자서 견딜여고 하면 자살 갔은 생각에 더 노예가 된다. 나는 그 생각애 노예였고 아직도 노예다. 나는 주금처럼 원하는개 없었다. 총알을 내 머리에 쏘던, 칼가지고 내 심장 아니면 배에 찔러너 죽던, 아니면 재일 높은 쁄딩을 차자 오라가서 뛰어 내려 죽던 상관 없이, 나는 죽음을 바다드릴 자신이 있었다.

난 오늘, 7월 17일 2014년, 내 첫과 마지막 탰투를 했다 – Fairy Tail 만화 탰투. 멍청한 일갔갰지만, 내가 재일 함들고 어두운 길애 다닐댄 일본 만화가 날 웄는걸 도와 주었다, 그리고 Fairy Tail은 내가 이 새상애서 재일 원하던개 하나 있다 – 가짜의 우슴도 알아보며, ‘너 무슨일이 있어? 나한태 당장말해라!” 말할 친구들이 있다는개. 난 아무거나 다 알여줄수있는 친국가 있다고 해도, 이하나는 말 못 하고, 내 선생님덕분애 부모님한태 자살하고싶은 생각이 강하다면 내가 거진말 쟁이라고만 야단만 밨는다. 그 위애다간 나한탠 집애서 나가라며, 내 얼굴을 다시 보여주지 말라만 말을 끗도 없이 뜻기만 한다.

집애서 나가 얼굴을 한번도 보여주지 말라 드른 만큼 개속 굼굼한개, 내가 9월 11일 2009년 때 내 기숙사에서 안 뛰고 자살 안한개 진짜로 마진 결정이었을가? 아니면 내가 자살할 기회가 있었을대 자살을 했을가? 생각만한다. 그리고 내가 잘못 결정했으몬, 하나님이 날 처다보지도 않은채로 날 보냈을가라는 생각도 든다. 내가 지그 짐을 싸고 길가애서 살게 나간다면, 그때도 하나님이 날 안보시갰다는 생각이 든다. 내 부모님들은 내가 하는짔마다 다 반대로 한대니, 내가 지금 집에서 나가고 도망친다면 내 부모님들이 원하는대로 하는사이애 하라는대로 한단걸 보여주는개 아니가?

요즘앤 다시 총파는 가개를 차자 총알 하난와 총을 사, 내 머리애 총을 쏠 생각이 다시 얼쩔대 한번식 날때가 있다. 그리고 총이 아니면 부억애 드러가 칼을 주어 내 심장 안면 배속으로 꼭질을 새각도 할때가 한번식 도라올때도있다.

내 인생이 지난 몇년동안 얼망진창이라 누가 자기 부모한태, “엄마, 아빠, 나 자살하고싶어. 너무 자살하고싶어 죽개서,” 라고 할때, 내 부모들처럼 그냥 지나가지 않아길 발한다. 내 부모들은 내가 재일 힘들소 재일 피료할대 없어서 하나님한태서도 더 멀어지고, 일본 만화애게만 웃음이 나올수 있개 기댔다. Fairy Tail 탰투는 나의 그 재일 큰 조언이다 – 나한태 얼만큼 심한일이 있었고, 얼마나 집애서 나가라면서 다시 나타나지말라는 말 드르면서 진짜로 이 새상에서 없어질까 생각 드는 조언.

나는 얼굴에 수술 하기전 얼굴이 더 조았기때문에. 하지만 내 부모님들을 행복하개 해줄여고.

동내를 움길때마다 진짜 친구들도 못 사귀고. “나는 움기기도 실코 친구들을 일끼도 실타,” 는 내가 내 부모님을 행복하개 만드려 고 조용하개 있었다.

나는 미듬이 없어진 교회애 서 내 부모님들이 너무 조아하느라 나는 그 교회가 실타는 말도 못 꺼냈다. 내 부모들애 행복을 보기의해.

그리고 나는 내 부모님들이 나보고 자살 하고싶다는거 되에서 거진말도 치지말고 조용하개 있으라고 했을데, 멌년동안 조용하개 있었다. 내 부모님들을 행복하게 만들기 위하여. 내가 아직도 이거되에서 말 꺼내면, 내가 그거되에서 거진말 치고 그냥 화날 이우를 찼는거라고 난 혼나기만 한다. 거기애 어쩔대는, “우리 잘못인거 처럼 핑게되지 말레? 니가 병원애 들어간건 다 니 잘못이다! 우리한태는 잘못이 하난도 없다!” 는 말도 듰개될대도 있다.

거이 매일마다 난 이개 재일 굼굼하다: “난 그냥 자살 할까? 내 부모들은 매일마다 날 사랑한다면서 거짐말 칠수 있는거고. 거진말이라면, 사를 이우는 있는건가? 부모님들은 하나님의 사랑을 보여주는 거라면, 하나님은 나를 정마로 시러한다는개 아닌가?”

그리고 매일 생각하는 겄은 내가 지금까지 한겄가지고는 하나님이 날 처다보고, 다시 바다주고, 그리고 날 아나주기나 하면서 날 뽀뽀나 해주기나 할까? 내가 자살해도 그럴실까?

[writes2live]

Struggle of the Heart

"Her heart was a secret garden,

And the walls were very high."

Christianity.

That's all I've grown up with and been taught to believe.

And since some time after April 16, 2004, the day after my grandfather's death, I began to grow bitter.

Towards the world.

Towards God.

Towards EVERYTHING.

Not even a year later, I gave up entirely on Christianity. I went cold turkey and gave up on Christianity and began to go down the path of atheism. And for the first time ever, I felt as if I were free. As if I was no longer bound to anything. But even so, I felt miserable to certain degree, and the hatred and bitterness towards the church I was last a member of before Praise Presbyterian Church only grew stronger day by day.

What happened?

I hit somebody and gave them a black eye.

Do understand one thing – It was NOT intentional.

It was a pure mistake.

I went to a retreat, and during a break, I was opening a door.

Let me make myself clear right now that the door to the stairwell that I had opened did NOT have a window – Meaning there was no way for me to know if there was someone else on the other side. And little did I know I would hit someone in the face, causing them to receive a black eye during the process.

For sake of keeping identities of those I will be talking of private in case even their first names are to be looked up, I will be using fake names. “Jocelyn”, the girl I hit by mistake, screamed profanities at me. I even received cold stares from the rest of the Youth Group. No one stood up for me. And no matter how many times I had apoliogized, all “Jocelyn” screamed at me were the words, “F*uck off, you f*cking b*tch!”

Even “Sophia” had given me what felt to me like a glare so hateful and cold that if glares could truly throw blades, I was hit with countless amounts of them. Not just by “Sophia” and “Jocelyn”, but the entire congregation. To make matters worse, not only had everyone turned against me, but “Sophia” had even bitterly and icily told me, “Just go, [Sue]. Just get out of here.”

I have never felt so hated – Especially in a church community where we're taught to love even our enemies and forgive those who have done wrong against us. And all for one simple mistake. And when “Jocelyn” had cried because of that one pain, everyone had given her attention – Like she was the queen of the world. What happened when I cried and even missed the meals until end of the retreat? No one took notice of my absence, and no one tried to calm me down – Not even the pastors and the teachers. Instead, all I received were continued cold glares as if I were the one to be at complete fault. And where te pastors are supposed to be the 'sheperds' for their congregations, the pastors simply refused to be there for me, one of their sheeps, and it didn't seem to matter that I would cry myself to sleep.

When I returend home, I had to force myself to smile and lie to my parents, “The retreat was loads of fun,” when I truly wanted to scream, “I hated the retreat! I hate the church! I hate everyone and everything!” But I couldn't for the simple fact of knowing my parents loved that very church far too much. And I didn't want to be selfish by asking them to change churches all for me. From that day on, as a middle school student, I began to run away from God and everything I was taught and raised to believe. And from that day forward, I was an atheist and no one had been there for me to guide me back to the right path.

After about a year of attending this church that I despised with all my heart and soul, I haven't once told my parents that I was an atheist for the fear of what may happen. And during that time period, I carried all my bitterness anad hatred towards the church deep down in my heart with me. But when my parents did find out that I was miserable in the church, but never about the fact that I was an atheist in a Christian family. And with that knowledge, we siwtched over to the Praise Church. However, even then, I had continued to carry on with the uttermost hate towards the people that had set me off into road of atheism.

For about 8 years, I ran from God, but I was slowly – EXTREMELY slowly – beginning to return back to the path of believing once more.

That is until I joined the flag football team.

I saw “Sophia”'s sister, “Josephine”. The bitterness that I had all those years and had managed to forget about had come back abruptly, starting with a bit of a surprise and shock to see her. In the previous church, I felt as if “Josephine” was one of the people pushing me away and shoving me into the shadows, as if to say that I didn't belong. That I was greatly unwanted. And I felt as if she were there to remind me that I was unwanted at any church I was to go to, and that I should find a new church while she took all those I had already became friends with all away from me.

I felt THREATENED.

GREATLY.

And it was then and only then that I began to hate her presence. Hate “Josephine” for finding me after all those years ago from our middle school years, and I told myself that I would just smile and act kndly towards her, even if against my will, no matter how much I despised her. And that no matter what, I would never allow her smile and kind acts fool me. Never again after what had happened. And when I had barely managed to push my bitterness away off to the sidelines came a retreat back to the same place where I gave “Jocelyn” an accidental black eye all those years ago.

At first, I wasn't shaken. Not even during the car ride with “Sophia”. But the moment I saw the retreat center's name on the sign, I immediately felt muy chest tighten for the first time since the incident. I immediately began to hate and despise my previous church all over again – Especially “Sophia” and “Josephine” since they were now back at that very same retreat center with me for first time since our last retreat together as junior high students.

Did I ever making amends with them during the retreat?

Only “Josephine”, but she had no idea of the hatred I held towards her all that time, and I wouldn't be surprised if she still doesn't unless if she comes to a realization that she's “Jospehine” in this story for when and if she reads this.

And honestly speaking? I don't think I ever will have the nerves to even tell her if she has no clue yet and still now that I've felt somethng I never have felt before through her – God's love. I admit I'm still majorly an atheist, but I'm certain it was God's love that I felt through her during the retreat, but not until a specific moment. Especially since during majority of the retreat, I still had despised her with all my heart and soul and all my being.

When I was struggling with the returning hate and bitterness towards “Josephine” and her sister, along withour previous church, throughout the entire retreat, “Josephine” came up to me at one point during the retreat, took my hands, and started praying. Praying for someone who hated her. And I honestly can't say if she knew I despised her or not, but what I can say for certain was that when she took me by the hands and began to pray for someone like me, there was this strage feeling of comfort wash over me. It was almost as if she was trying to tell me that she wasn't there to threaten me in any way. That she wasn't there to push me away to make everyone forget about my existence.

Instead, I felt through her holding my hands that she just watned to be friends. That she wanted some sort of companionship with me that we didn't have before.

And the moment I felt the unfamiliar love starting to pour into me, I had burst into tears, and I immediately felt the hatred that I had for her wash away and disappear completely in matter of seconds. It was almost as if it had never existed to begin with.

However, I'm still yet to forgive “Sophia”. I still despise “Sophia”, and my heart still remains cold and as hard as a rock for her.

"If you're absent during my struggle,

Don't expect to be present during my success."

I've known for a few years what I wanted to do with my life – Which is to become a teacaher. And working in Youth Group week after week, serving the kids as their Life Group teacher, I can't help but feel blessed beyond the imaginations of being able to see these kids smile and laugh. But there's a part of me that wants to abandon them for good.

Every week, when I walk into the services, there's always that sensation of my heart dropping and sinking deep into the pits of my stomach like heavy iron. And every time, I feel my heart heavy in ways that I feel as if I don't belong. Not just as their teacher since there's a part of me that doesn't feel right to be their teacher to guide them away from what's wrong and away from making the same mistakes I have made of going down the dark road and without God, but also in another way that feels extremely unsettling that's really hard to explain. Let alone to put into words.

The part of me that wants to leave church altogether to take a break from everything says it's for the best for the interest of the kids. But the part of me that doesn't want to break the children's heart by leaving them after gaining their trust the hard way, I don't have the heart to make them feel as if they are completely abandoned. However, to see selfishness in their eyes of expecting things out of me on weekly basis, it only makes me want to leave them more out of sadness. Worst part of it all is that I pour all my time and love into the kids that I possibly can, but they are just too blind to even realize it that it only comes to break my heart more and more, week after week.

Am I weak?

Perhaps, to certain extent.

Am I strong?

Only to the point of trying.

Do I struggle?

It's the only thing that my heart has been doing day in and day out.

Day after day.

Week after week.

And never would any of this be something I would truly be able to say out loud unless if feeling as if cornered.

[writes2live]

S.A.W [Synopsis] - Opinions...?

I just want to know if anyone would read the story with the given synopsis…. Please tell so I can decide whether to post chapter by chapter or not.   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   SAW. Survival Among the Weakest, but everyone called it SAW for short. It’s meant to be for entertainment, but only for some. For the rest? It’s nothing more than a torture, but that was all about to chance in the year of 3021 DDA. Or rather 3021 During Dark Ages.   It’s been three thousand and twenty-one years since the change of the tide has occured. Now, equal rights mean warlocks rule the world where as the mere mortals, the humans with no power of any sort in terms of sorcerry, must live like slaves to certain degree. The warlocks have kept the mortals in line for so long, and there’s no one with enough courage to stand up against the warlocks to fight for freedom.   My name is JoBeth Mahlendorf, but it once used to be Zoey Yukimura. I come from a family that’s most feared by the warlocks, but a bloodline of two. The Yukimura Convent and the Gilbert Convent. Both convents were the most powerful families among the warlocks, but everyone was murdered in a masacre for the fear that we may bring freedom and justice to this world, returning the humans their rights back to them. Of course, everyone in the Yukimura and Gilbert Convents were murdered but me. I’m the sole survivor, and I’m willing to keep my true identity a secret, even if by the means of keeping my alias name. After all, I’ve blended myself into the world in ways that I would appear to be a mere mortal and never a warlock.   I was going to bring my secret of being a warlock down to the grave with me. But SAW changed everything when my name was drawn to fight. Drawn to kill those that I’ve tried to blend in with. What would alter my life forever, though, was the dayhecame waltzing into my life. Now, I must choose being the Healer in advanced Priest class I was raised to be at young age and grew up to be in secret, or put my life on the line by revealing my life long secret….

[writes2live]

My full Teacher Story

I wasn't able to tell even the Junior Highers the entire story, so this - This goes out mainly to those in Jr High that may want to hear (or read, rather) the fuller story. (Plus any others that want to know why I don't really trust churches even though it appears I trust PEM [Praise English Ministry] with great amount of ease.)

Before I start, I want to say that I may end up saying I don't "trust anyone," but there's only two people that I truly do trust, and that's neither are God. The two people are simply two people that I hold dear and close to heart - one whom I've known since I was in high school, and another that I've know for about two to three years.

April 16, 2004.

For everyone, I'm sure that there's at least one date that each person will remember. If not, there's no doubt in mind that there will be at least one that everyone will come across that they will recall for rest of their lives.

For me? I have three dates that I will never forget.

1) The day I immigrated to America back in 1998.

2) The day I went into my current relationship.

3) The day my grandfather passed away.

Of the three dates, all I can say for certain is that the day my grandfather had passed away has the greatest impact in my life. Especially my spiritual life and walk with God, and ruined just may as well have ruined me in ways that I wish I could go back in time, it would be that very date.

Eversince I was a small child, for as far as I can remember both of my grandfathers smoking - even around me, causing second hand smoking for me and my cousins. I luckily was able to escape the second hand smoking at young age on the day I moved from Korea to America on November 20, 1998.

Few years had passed, and when I was in 5th grade, 2001 to 2002 school year, I was given the news that my grandfather had a terminal cancer. Lung cancer to be more precise. I simply told myself that the fault was also in my grandfather for having smoked in the first place. That it was because he couldn't quit smoking that he brought the lung cancer upon himself.

Two years later, April 16, 2004, it was in my 7th grade year that I woke up to find my mother sitting at the foot of my bed. I recalled that on that day, it was a school day. How do I recall? I may not have been one of the popular kids at school, but at the same time, I wasn't one of the "no faced" kids either. I had to admit that I did have a few good friends in the popular "class" but I wasn't close enough friends with them to bring me up to their status quo. And it was because I wasn't a popular kid even as a middle schooler that I recall as clear as day that I was picked on that I burst into tears several times throughout the day.

Few weeks prior to my grandfather's death, I went through confirmation. When I decided that it was time for me to go through with it, I would be making a vow to God that I would lay my life down and follow Him to the end. And when I made that promise the moment I got confirmed, I never thought that I would come to the decision of whether or not I should abandon my promise to God.

I still recall to this day that during second period of that very day was my Algebra class, which came right after my US History class. It was that class that hit me full speed ahead when one of the most popular kids that sat right in front of me in class turned to face me as they sneered the very words, "You think you're so much better, don't you? All because you're an Asian! If you think you're so much better than us, prove it, you worthless piece of sh*t!"

The girls kept pushing and pushing, and I tried to ignore their words. It wasn't even two minutes in that I finally broke in and broke down in tears. My teacher simply stood by across the room and watched one of her own students in hysterics. None of my friends came up to me to comfort me. To stand up for me.

Two of the two most popular athletes, however, the ones that stood at the top of the "food chain" of the school, however, were different stories. It wasn't just the fact that they knew my grandfather passed away. And it defiantly wasn't because I was their classmate. Funnily enough, it wasn't even the fact that I was just one of their friends, let alone someone that they just knew.

Compared to the two popular athletes that sat behind me, I was a nobody. Yet, It didn't even take five seconds into me bursting into waterfalls of tears for them to yell, "Are you kidding me? Did you honestly call her a "lousy peice of sh*t"? Who are you to call her that? Who are you to pick on her just because she's a God damn Korean? Who are you to say you're better than her, even if she's not one of the popular kids in the school? You don't know her! You don't know what kind of life she has! You don't even know what she's going through! Hell! You probably didn't even know her grandfather passed over the night, but you two obviously don't give a damn about the fact that others around you are suffering with their own personal lives!"

That was the only time anyone stood up for me, and if there's anything I recall from that day was that I was left feeling all alone. And when I had first received the news of my grandfather's death, I first told myself that his death was simply the cause of his cancer and that it was because God had called my grandfather to His side.

The more I got picked on, the harder it became. And the harder it had become for me over the weeks to get over my granfather's death, the more I had come to blame God for every bad things that happened in my life - and all starting with my grandfather's death and keeping me from making sure I was able to go through with my promise that I made to my grandfather of going to see him before he passed away.

After two to three weeks, four at most, I gave up on anything and everything that I knew to being a Christian. I turned my back on God and began to run - run as fast as I could away from God. I abandoned my beliefs. I abandoned my promise to God. I was running down the darkest road that I wish I never had to face - especially now knowing how dark, cold, and lonely that road is. And it was because I had run from God that I was set off into depression.

It's been nearly a decade, and it was in January of 2012 that I slowly began to find my way back to God. I went to Passion Conference down in Atlanta, Georgia wtih fourteen others from my current church - Praise English Ministry of Praise Presbyterian Church - and I found myself breaking down and seeking my way back to finding the road as I searched for at least dimly lit end of the road.

If I were to die today and asked if I should be allowed in heaven with the reason to why, I would be nothing but a big liar if I replied, "I belong in heaven because I'm the child of God."

My true answer would be, "I shouldn't be allowed in Heaven, because I abandoned my promise. I ran as far as possible, and I turned my back on everything. More importantly, my promise to follow to the end with my life laid out before my own creator."

If I had to speak honestly for myself, I don't even deserve to work with Junior High Youth Group kids knowing I became an Atheist for good amount of my life. But it's because I love the kids that I don't want to leave the kids' side. It's because I've already grown to love them far too much, possibly for my own good, that I don't want to leave any of their sides. And I guess it's because of that simple fact that I want to make sure that none of the kids have to go down the same path that I had to, especially with knowing that it's hard to get back onto the right road to walk with God.

And it may sound even more insane, but I don't tend to trust even those that I've grown quite close with those in Praise. Reason to why I haven’t come to trust any church, let alone a congregation, was the fact I had jumped from church to church as a small child, all the way up until I entered high school.

The church I attended just before Praise, I was continuously forgotten and looked down upon. No student remembered I existed. Not even the pastors and the teachers remembered a single word I had to say. Better yet, they didn’t even realize when I had gone and come. If I said I wanted to quit Praise Team, to them, it meant, “I want to stay to be ignored further.” If I were to tell anyone I was sorry, to them, it probably meant, “I’m not sorry, but it just seems like the right time to say it.

I'll admit that I talk to the members a lot, but that hasn't changed a single thing for me. I'm only simply trying to figure out a way for myself to learn new ways to try and figure out how I can come clean with myself to start building up my trust in church again.

The one thing that truly hurt me the most that I don’t trust anyone but allow kids to at least try and trust me so no one else has to go through the same thing that I have is the very fact that I was backstabbed in a way I never thought would happen. I was in middle school, and if I recall correctly, some time after my grandfather had passed as well.

I recall going to a retreat at Harvey Cedar Bible Conferrence Center, and as I opened a door in a rush, I recall hitting someone behind the door without knowing that there were people standing right there, just lounging around. I didn’t realize how hard I hit the person in the face until seeing the black eye on the person’s eye, and I began to frantically apologize.

No one listened. The person I hit began to scream profanities at me. The others all stared down at me with cold, glaring eyes. And even as I was called the ‘b’ word, and was told to “f**k off,” no one stood up for me to say I did it purely out of mistake. Instead, all I got was, “Just go. Get out of our faces.”

That night, I cried myself to sleep. No one cared I missed dinner. No one cared that I was hurt deeply as well. No one in the Youth Group had cared that I was crying as I lay in my sleeping bag. Instead, all I could hear were cold murmurs, and there was no doubt in the back of my mind that it was me that they were talking about. I recall that the following day, not even the pastors would turn to look at me. Not even to reassure me to say, “It was all a mistake. Give it a few days, and it’ll blow over.” I got no reassurance, but the person I hit? All the attention was given to them.

It’s strange, I know, that I can’t trust anyone, not even Praise, but it’s because that it was that one simple thing that caused me to turn cold against God, causing it for me to have it harder to trust people, that I want to protect the kids, especially you, Jr Highers, that may be reading this, that I want to let even my own students know that there is not a single soul in the YG congregation that has to go through it alone. I just hope that I can be the best teacher that I possibly can be and be there for any Jr Highers that needs someone to be there for them.

Call me crazy if you will, but I have the kids' interest best at heart, and I don't intend to let them make the same mistakes that I've made. Even if I don't believe I belong ina seat up in heaven, let alone in the right hand of God or even with God, I want to make sure that the kids are able to get to that point where they don't feel as though they're abandoned. As though they are loved for who they are because they truly are - and I don't mean just by their parents. I want to be able to show them that there truly are those that are around them that loves them, and I want to be one of the first few people right there in the front lines to show them that love that they truly deserve.