Escribiendo cosas, es gratis

M/49. I'll be writing about whatever thought haunts me. Get in touch and/or comment if interested.

[writing-about-things]

No falla. A las 4 o 5 horas de estar en el trabajo, el agobio es abrumador. Las ganas de llorar me sobrepasan.

Sí tan sólo pudiera, al menos descargaría un poco

[writing-about-things]

La incertidumbre que genera la necesidad de cambiar de trabajo después de 15 años, y quizás hasta de reenfocar mi profesión después de 25 años es, por momentos, abrumadora.

No sé ni por dónde empezar, una vez tomada la decisión. Parálisis total.

Qué jodida se puede poner la vida de un día para el otro...

[writing-about-things]

¿Se puede ser feliz estando el mundo cómo está?

Me lo pregunto en cada momento de pausa. El mundo es un horror. Nunca fue gran cosa, sobran los ejemplos en la historia, pero estos en dos últimos años estamos asistiendo a la transmisión en directo de un genocidio. Y salvo honradas excepciones, ningún líder político en el mundo dice, o lo que es peor, hace nada. NADA.

La gente se manifiesta en muchas ciudades, muchos países, pero no alcanza. Deberían caer los gobiernos. Así, sin más. Sí no representan al pueblo, fuera. Claro que hay de todo y no estamos todos en la misma vereda.

Y no sólo el genocidio palestino, la invasión de Ucrania por parte de Rusia, que sólo sirve para darle más poder a Rusia y a EE.UU. Y a Zelenski. Y para alabar las milicias neonazis ucranianas, las que eran noticia hasta 2014.

Y África, donde Marruecos sigue maltratando a su gente y a los habitantes del Sahara Occidental, en el Sahel donde la inestabilidad política y militar es la única constante.

Los gobiernos ultraderechistas en Argentina, Italia, Hungría, India, Reino Unido...

Y un EE.UU. desatado, que ya no se esconde. Que no necesita disimular para generar golpes fe estado, ahora va y secuestra presidentes. Y va a por más, con la pasividad estocólmica de la UE.

Asco. Mucho asco.

Y tristeza, de la que sobrepasa, cada día, a cada hora. Entonces, ¿se puede ser feliz? ¿Es lo correcto? Cuando tantos niños han sido asesinados, dejados huérfanos o mutilados, cuando tantas mujeres pierden su vida, o a sus familias, y hombres son obligados al sacrificio en nombre la paz, detrás de una bandera que no significa nada.

Estoy lleno de odio desde el 7 de octubre de 2023. Y no sé cómo resolverlo.

Y así todo, cada día intento dar lo mejor de mí, no llenar de mala energía a quienes me rodean, de criar un hijo pensando en que no es descabellado pensar en que quizás lo llamen al ejército en cuanto llegue a los 18.

Qué jodido todo. Y qué poco hacemos. Me refiero a hacer cosas que generen cambios radicales.

En fin, que tengan lindo día.

[writing-about-things]

My last decade - II

2018 finished really well, constantly amazed by our newborn son, and not sleeping much 😅.

2019 was undoubtedly the best year. Took our son to meet my family in my homeland, my dad, in between chemos came to visit twice, we even travelled with him. The best memories. They'll last forever. Christmas at home, the last one with my dad, was the best possible ending. A few days later I would hug and kiss him for the last time, right before he was flew back home to never come back.

We were supposed to go again in March but COVID. We were trapped at home with our son and supposed to work full time. I almost broke down after just one month. I kept going to the lab once or twice weekly. Dystopic landscapes everywhere. No one on the bus, no one on the streets. Wild pigs on the streets, our balconies would fill up with birds, and so on. Daily Skype calls with the family to keep in contact and to entertain our son. And to keep my dad connected. He was a very social man, and he found himself alone at home, coping with solitude and the chemo treatments. By July he started feeling bad and passed away not to cancer but to the solitude and depression. I couldn't fly to him this time, I couldn't leave my family at home during a pandemic. Only my sister made it on time. She got to see him on his last few days. When she called me a few days after, I knew why it was. My world collapsed. I'll probably write about it later, I cannot now.

2020 marked the lowest, darkest place I could've possibly been. I lost two dear aunts as well. My homeland world was slowly starting to vanish.

[writing-about-things]

My last decade - I

The last nine-ten years have been quite challenging and bumpy.

At the beginning of 2016, my wife had an spontaneous abortion after 1 month of getting pregnant. All the excitement, suddenly vanished. During the first pregnancy, we then learnt it's quite common, though nobody seems to talk about it.

My beloved dad was diagnosed with cancer in late 2017. I immediately flew to him, since I've been living an ocean away from my homeland for 15 years. Hugs, love, accompanying him, and a bit of science talk was what I had to offer to him. He started the treatment and it was quite tough on him. Change of treatment and all went well. But at 76, it significantly worsen his physical condition.

Beginning of 2018, my wife gets pregnant, this time without complications and our son would be born during the summer.

One month earlier though, I had to flew to my dad's since he had worsen a lot and the cancer was having a great impact on his health. A successful emergency surgery gave my dad an extra year of life, with a fairly good quality of life. He recovered his mobility, started playing the piano again and got to meet his first grandson.

To be continued...

[writing-about-things]

Thinking about finding a new job at almost 50 yo, with a mortgage, a kid and a mother to support, goes from worrying to terrifying several times a day.

I've been lucky, and consistent, enough to have been only through three job interviews in my whole life, so I almost completely lack experience.

I'm not scared of them, but I do not like the typical psychological questions usually being asked. Also, in science, my field, I'm in a point where I should have a stable position. And I thought I had. But the last two years have been truly disappointing and I need to get out of there. Also, I've been maturing as a scientist, as expected, and been refocusing on things I enjoy more.

Having not been looking around to see what other options there are makes me a complete ignorant about this. I really need to work on this.

And that's probably it for now, on my first post.