Writing my impossible

.

[writing-the-impossible]

hbf

I loved the way we were when we were together

you were the closest thing to love that I had

things seemed easy

peaceful

It was useless

we had something special to me

you didn’t want anything else

I loved you without realizing that I did

you left because you didn't want the same

I wish you the best

I should’ve fought harder for you

but this is for the best

[writing-the-impossible]

demons

my demons have gotten the best of me

and they have gotten the worst of me

my demons are not a part of me for the least

they are an embodiment of who I was

somehow they want to catch up with me

they want to eat me alive

my demons were always a part of me even when

I wanted to let them go

what people don’t understand about the demons and I

are the fact that they are me

they are what I would be

what I used to let in my past

they are something that I am not proud of

yet they mean everything to me

I have been with my demons for so long

that without them, I am lost

I would always be lost without them

my demons are something that I am

they are someone who I would have been if I didn't let them in

what I realized is that even though 

they aren’t the embodiment of who I am now

they will always be a part of me

they will always control who I am

always whispering in my ear

‘you are nothing’

‘you should join us’

‘let us in for we know what’s best for you’

letting them in was the one of the worst things I ever done before

because of my demons who still haunts me til this day

I have depression and anxiety

because of what they want from me

I became someone I don’t know

they made me realize that I didn’t know who I was beforehand

but letting go of my pasts

my pain

they want me to let go of everything I care about

showing me that I am nothing

for I really am nothing without them

for I am just part of something

that I am fighting for something in vain

that fighting against them will do nothing

something I realized is that

without my demons

I can’t see my angels

and I've been fighting both of them for so long

that I lost my way

I don’t know who I am

maybe I should’ve accepted both demons and angels

for I am fighting something in vain

[writing-the-impossible]

who am I?

who am I?

honestly

who the fuck am I?

I have lost myself so long ago

that I don’t remember who I was

and I don’t think I want to be that person anymore

who am I really?

losing myself was a part of myself

it was a part of me destroying everything I knew and cared about

it was a part of me knowing 

and ignoring everything that might not change in the end

the person I might become in the future

is someone unexpected

yet I'll accept their flaws of what more life I've been through

I'll accept the surprises that will come with it

I want to love myself

who am I though?

why is this person who’s so lost

destroying everything that was built

yet I’m letting them do it?

why am I accepting the fact that they might know me better

than I know myself

maybe I let them because for once in my life

I know everything is going to be okay in the end

I just want to love myself in the end

if that means that I will go through heaven and hell

just to be the person I might be in the future

then that’s a risk I'm wiling to take

just to be able to find myself and love everything about myself

[writing-the-impossible]

I love you

I love you

Please let me go

I love you

I love you

don’t go looking for me when I'm gone

I love you

I love you

make sure you pick yourself up after I left

for I am dying 

I am going someplace you don’t deserve to be

your innocents weren’t ready for where I went

I love you till the end of time

but I will not let you go down the same path I have went to

Let me go

Let me go

.... Let me go

I am losing control

you are so much better off without me

I'm sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I wish things could have been different

they would have if I wasn’t part of this dying breed

losing you hurt every fiber of my being

please forget about me

forget every little aspect of my being

forget every little moment we had

Just one thing before you completely forget about me

I love you and will continue loving you

I just am not worthy of your love

you were always so above me

one day you’ll forget about me

and maybe I'll come back as someone new

[writing-the-impossible]

Infatuation

[writing-the-impossible]

my name

call me by my name

call me a disgrace

tell me what I’m fighting for is for nothing

show me how you actually feel

don't call me by the name that you never called me before

what I was doing for us was for nothing

you wanted to call me out by names that weren’t chosen by me

you picked something that I was insecure about

made it to something I am as a whole

I am not that mistake

i am not that insecurity 

I am who I choose to be 

but by god

I am not who that used to be

call me a disgrace 

for that is the only thing you see in me

I am nothing left

I was the girl you used to love before

the one who let you in

when I couldn't even let myself out fully

for the fear that you’d leave like this

so call me by my name

let me hear the pain

the disgust

call me by my name that i used to have

for the girl you were in love with is gone

call me by my name

for this is who i am now without the memory of this

of us, of you

I wish one day i’ll be able to call your name

[writing-the-impossible]

drunken mistake

I never regretted being with you

when it came down to it

I blamed myself for letting us go to far

you showed me that the world isn’t perfect

that timing isn’t always right with us

that sometimes being drunk

could make the worst decisions in people

how we had to kiss in secret

whenever you kissed me

it felt right even though it was wrong

how we made drunken love

wasn’t part of this

and now we don’t even talk anymore

how I still have to see you on a consistent basis

blaming myself for something we both done

how I might end up pregnant

for a decision we made while drinking

you were my first

I don’t regret any of this

but seeing you

will be the easiest and most heartbreaking thing to see

[writing-the-impossible]

mini life update

hey guys! I know some of you won’t read this but eh. sorry if I haven’t been on here like at all the last few months. I've been busy with life in general. life has been crazy

- I am in the process of moving within the next few days

- I quit my job for the fact that I am moving

-hopefully once I get settled over to the new place, I will continue writing and posting as I once was before

-I need to find a new job once I get everything kind of done

[writing-the-impossible]

bleeding out

I am not a writer

I am a body

that’s simply bleeding out words

that i’ll never be able to speak out loud

[writing-the-impossible]

it’s easier to run

you know what i just realized

that i fucking run away from everything that i essentially fear

it’s not that i fear it 

it’s just that i don’t want to deal with it

everything that makes me nervous or uncomfortable

would make me want to run

because it’s always been easier for me to do it

i would run away from you if i told you something important

hell i ran away from my dad when i got my first tattoo

at age 20

i’m going to tell him but right now i just want to run

that’s the thing, all my life i would run away from something

i would stay quiet about whatever felt right to me

i would never speak up to someone who was in the same boat as me

i would let someone beat me down

just because i didn’t know what to do besides run away

i ran from everything i cared

never got close to someone because i feared that they would leave

you know what’s worse, most of them did leave at one point or another

everyone makes me nervous

I surprisingly made friends easily

for the fact that my aura lured people in

but a lot of them weren’t the right people for the aura at all

they seemed like the type that would love you then leave you at any moment

while i am the type of person that if i’m close with you

i will protect you

i will be able to stand up and fight 

i won’t back down from something if we both believe in something

i would have stayed until the very end

there were males and females that i was fucking scared to speak to

just because i used to like them but i thought i was a disgusting piece of shit

there was only two guys in my whole life that i told them i liked them

you know what happened?

they both rejected me but somehow we’re friends 

but one of them

the feeling is so deep that i have to slowly push him away

i don’t want to get hurt by someone... again

he knows i’m slowly pushing him away

he just doesn’t really know about it yet

things will get better one day but for now

i won’t run away from things and accept fate

but for now

it’ll be easier to run

[writing-the-impossible]

don’t confuse me with someone who you knew back then

don’t tell me I've changed into something completely different

it called, changing throughout time

changing throughout different situations

you knew me when i was starting to progressed with life

you don’t know what i have been through

whether it’s been good or bad

you don’t deserve to be in my life

[writing-the-impossible]

i’m not afraid to be rejected by you

i am not afraid of being with you

no no nevermind

wait i am afraid

but you’ll never know how much i feel 

wait wait

you do know how i feel about you

i don’t care about what happens after

i only care about us now

i only care if you feel safe and happy

wait ugh

but i have to take care of myself before i care for you

because i will not let myself bow to someone

and make them be above myself

shit fuck

i don’t need to make it sound bad

i just want to be able to love myself before i love you

shit no 

don’t look at me like that

i don’t love you but i know you wouldn’t feel the same way

you are something different

something that i always liked in a person

but i have to leave you alone

i need to be able to see myself clearly

ugh fuck man

you have such a innocent face but such a devilish smile

you’ve been through something

i could see it in your eyes

no wait

it’s the drugs that are getting to you

i don’t want you to be doing drugs but it’s your life

damnit 

i have to leave you alone either way

just to let you know i am not going to stand by you

when the drugs are going to be controlling you

i don’t want to be crying every night

watching you decay right in front of my eyes because of it

i do not want to see your life decay

fuck wait no

i will not be around if you don’t know what drugs are making you do

i will not fall in love with someone

i don’t want to be able to fall in love with someone

that is in a whole other world then me

i don’t want to fall in love with someone who will die in front of me

i will not get hurt by someone who just wants to play games

fuck man

i won’t get hurt again

sorry love, but i won’t be here for long

when that day comes, you will know

you will finally know how much it hurt

when i finally let go

[writing-the-impossible]

i need to leave you alone

yet here i am writing a fucking poem about you

i am trying so hard to do this

how am i supposed to be able to leave you alone

hen you are the only person i think about

when i fall asleep and when i wake up

the worst of it all is for the fact that you know how i feel about you

and yet you don’t want to be with me

the thing is i don’t care about it

my pride is the only thing that’s hurt

because we both opened up for each other

the thing is also for the fact that we both know that i’m pushing you away

we both know that i can’t be with you

i simply can’t give you everything that ou want and need for life

you are a young rich white boy

or were a rich white boy

while i am just someone who lives in the bad side of town

we might work together but we aren’t the same person

we will never see eye to eye

when life gets bad for me

you’ll never know because you would never see how it is

while i’ll never see you at your worst

baby when the time comes

we both will realize that time wasn’t right for us 

it won’t ever happen again

for i will never let you in 

[writing-the-impossible]

i think i lost my halo

my demons are catching up to me

but the god within me

fears the day that i find someone

who would help my demons

instead of saving my grace

oh how much i want my demons to leave

i want to be able to love myself

instead of trying to find someone

who needs to love only a part of me

i want to be able to love all myself

with this soul and all

instead of loving only a part of myself

and hating the rest of me

i want to be able to make myself

fear both god and demons inside of me

i want to be able to destroy everything that i hate

and make myself be as beautiful as i was meant to be

i don’t want to feel hatred

i don’t want to go blindly into something

that might kill me in the end

[writing-the-impossible]

love is terrible fate

don’t tell me something when you don’t mean it

show me how you feel instead

let me go

for i am not letting you get in

you weren’t there when i needed you

you weren’t there for me when i needed someone

to hold me while i was crying

you never knew me

you just loved the concept of loving me

even when i told you that i din’t want you

i was able to let you go

look at me now

still stuck with having you around

oh honey how much you knew

for the fact that once one of us goes

i will make sure that i won’t be in your life

boy

you knew better then that

you knew deep down that once i was gone

you will regret it

i feel the fucking abuse

i feel the love

i just can not continue being with you

one way or another

you know

we will hurt each other

but in the end

who’s feelings will end up in a body bag?

[writing-the-impossible]

baby I never hated you

you just hated yourself so much

that you wanted me to hate you

honey, I loved you from the very start

you wanted me to get away

at the same time you wanted to corrupt me

I wanted to give you my all

we all knew that we somehow played well together

you were something different

you knew that I always have loved you

even though it seemed like everyone else has hated you before

I showed you the light

you showed me something that made me crave darkness

while I showed you something that you have always wanted in life

we both wanted something that has changed the other

how things have changed for the both of us in the end

we both fell in love with two very different things

i’ll walk away from you

while you are lying on the floor

begging for something, anything, to be real

[writing-the-impossible]

Demons

I am dying with these demons that i have feared for so long

that i have lived with for so long

my halo fell when these demons came along 

started destroying everything i cared about with myself

they came along when i felt myself crawling back into something

that would ultimately kill me into my own existence

when it came down to you

you made me fear the god within myself

that’s when i slowly started making my demons disappear

when i finally saw you

i told you i think i may have lost my halo

with that you are something i have been waiting for

you were something that will make me believe in myself

make me believe that i could do better for myself

i want to be able to fear the god within myself for you

i want to be able to fear something so bad that i need it

i think i feared you so much that i changed for you

my demons will leave soon enough

i swear i just want to make you proud.