basement notes @wucaro - Tumblr Blog

lanternflies

God is full of signs but I am not one of them for a minute - can I rest from being good? or will those bright red wings gnaw through all that I have built. their still bodies cover the sidewalk he asks: how much would it cost for you to trample their young?

pale blue dot

At night she struts home in her mind, a clicking of heels on cement and a perfect curved dive into the sea. Her chest has escaped the body and now commences a desperate chase. Whereas her head never leaves the cool pillow, the soul - air like in its condition - has escaped for a wander. Towards a man or a god she knows not but the beating miles are sustained at breakneck pace. To run so light upon the water is a miracle of fate yet a small feat in light of what is chased. As her soft feet nears the moon, she discovers there is nothing here in space but her cold clammy hands and the silence of an impervious sky. All that is warm, all that is lovely and worth loving is down below on that pale blue dot called home.

a work trip to the texan-mexican border

We’re a mile from the Mexican border when we pass through what appears at first to be a toll booth. Krysty is in the front seat and reaches for our company card to pay the fee. I am half asleep in the backseat, that state of mind that mixes the distant sounds of reality with the moving pictures of a dream. Are you all citizens? The officer asks. Upon closer glance, we realize that he’s border patrol. He turns to me with a laugh, are you even an adult? I nod in confusion. He doesn’t ask for identification and lets us pass on but next to the highway they’ve hung a billboard with the pictures of eight brown men like mugshots.

He has a graying beard, the officer, but was probably handsome when he was younger. I wonder if he goes home to his children. I wonder how he’d feel living someplace that didn’t want him. How would he have talked to us if Santy was in the car? Santy with his childlike excitement about going home to Mexico for the first time because he had finally gotten his papers.

The man in the front parole office sits silently in a too small chair. His hat covers half his face and the tie dye shirt stretches to his thighs. The police are coming to arrest him, the supervisor tells us. But does he know that? He’s sitting and waiting like there’s nowhere else to go. We’re ushered into the backroom while she’s on the line with the police. We’re holding a box of donuts in her corner office in silence. Does his family at home know? Who will tell them?

Everywhere I go, I look at hairlines and waistlines. The middle of the country looks nothing like New York. I wonder what it’s like to live in this part of Texas. We stop for lunch in Uvalde - the name blazened across the water tower. As I eat my grocery store summer roll, I wonder if the school shooter shopped at this HEB. Do any of these shoppers have a child who was in school that day? How does a town move in grief? If I squint would I see the black behind the filter? The sun shimmers starkly on the strip mall backdrop, it looks like any other town in Texas.

Now I’m inside the halls of that elementary school, the smell of cleaning solution and old gym clothes permeating off its walls. Did he look at the bodies after they’d been shot? Watched the wriggle stop cold on the tile. Did he side step the blood or slide his sneakers through it - silent tracks making a trail downstairs. He must have been hungry, nothing but stomach behind his eyes. Tumbling out naked and crying, reaching for his mother’s thumb as he first faced the light.

Here, the heat devours the living.

le creuset

jan 2025

I woke up Sunday morning and decided I wanted a Le Creuset dutch oven. My old $40 Walmart one had cracked down the middle and why not give myself a treat? By Sunday night I was a proud new owner of a light blue pot.

My mother has talked about wanting a Le Creuset pot for as long as I remember. It was the height of domestic luxury - functional yet desirable for a cook as talented as herself. It’s not that we couldn’t technically afford it but she would never have spent that type of money on herself. When I bought her one for Christmas a few years ago, it was the happiest I had ever seen her.

Now mine sits on the kitchen table, lighter than I expected. Even though I got it off Facebook Marketplace for 50% off (still scored a deal), it must mean something that I could wake up and buy it with my own money. This is a life she never got to experience - her own money, her own apartment, her own time meant to be spent on finding her own joys and passions. I am suddenly overcome with nausea from the decadence of my own life. I have the luxury of choice. How do I sit in joy when everything I have came off her back?

Even though I believe my mother when she says she regrets none of her life decisions - to stay home and raise four kids - it sometimes feels more like an illusion of choice than true choice. Where would life have taken her if she hadn’t married my father at 23? Accidentally had me earlier than she expected? If my dad was more capable of handling the household load and my grandma was less of an overcast shadow? Would she have lived my life - carefree in a new city, discovering herself with her own money?

food reflections on the train from nyc to dc

Perhaps it’s the sense of original discovery, like you’ve opened the curtain to the real world - of which everything outside is mere copy. New York is the center of the western world, people say, and all other places look to it for the latest direction on art, culture, and life. At least, that’s true for the food scene. What DC lacks is a food culture and identity. Of course it exists in pockets, the Ethiopian restaurants are unrivaled and this was the place that introduced me to Laotian cuisine but so many new openings are franchises from other cities. We have St. Anselm from New York, Pastis from New York, Pisco y Nazca From Florida, Boqueria from New York. Our only claim to fame is…..Jose Andres? As much as I admire his humanitarian work, his restaurant food is just not that good. Of course restaurants are all constantly following the latest trends in the industry, what I’m interested in is restoring a culture of affordable, neighborhood restaurants that are unique to DC as a city.

Ekiben in Baltimore is the type of place that should exist in DC. Accessible, affordable, with bold punchy seasoning that marries Asian and Ethiopian flavors. It represents the cultural fabric of the immigrant community while creating something new. DC sits at the border between southern cuisine, east coast seafood, and immigrant flavors. It has all the potential to create something new and amazing but has long been stifled by local policies and high rents that have led to a flight of family owned, hole in the wall restaurants. Although New York has a high cost of living, more foot traffic and a large number of historic family restaurants that own their buildings prevent them from being pushed out by rising rents. This is why DC’s Commercial Acquisition Fund which helps small businesses with down payments and passing rent control laws for small businesses are so important for the city.

A food city doesn’t come up out of nothing, it’s nurtured by policies and budget decisions or crushed by other political priorities. We all have a right to good food and I myself…would love to stop going to New York for it.

ten best bites of 2024

This year was a great year of eating. The list is largely dominated by my two international trips (Japan/China and Mexico City again) so the cuisines aren’t particularly diverse. What can I say, I like what I like and it’s a combo of fried foods that are still refreshing, lots of acid, and well cooked noodles/meats.

for a full list of what I've eaten (and what I've hated) you can peek at my beli (@wucaro12)

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10. Tuna Crispy Rice from Umai Nori 📍Washington, DC

I can’t say this tuna crispy rice is any better than other establishments’ tuna crispy rice (Nobu? 🤷) because it’s the first one I’ve had. I know I know I’m several years behind the dining trend but it put me onto the whole concept and I’ve been making this at home ever since (to various degrees of failure). This bite has the perfect mix of crispy, creamy, and acidic from the topping. The hand rolls here are gorgeous and great as well.

9. Udon from Haneda's 7/11 📍Tokyo

Although Japan was overall a disappointing food experience (I’m not a raw fish girl unless it’s ceviche or heavily flavored sadly :() this was a great bouncy bowl of convenience store udon. Perfect sauce and that poached egg?? Raku in NYC could never. It was a great last meal in Tokyo.

8. Neighborhood Bird Bun from Ekiben 📍Baltimore

I have not shut up about this place since I went in April. I’m literally emailing their contact us form with links to vacant storefronts in DC begging them to open a location here. It’s an ethiopian spiced taiwanese fried chicken on a bao bun - fusion done well. This isn’t a soft bao bun though, it tastes exactly like the substantial hearty man tou buns that my grandma made for me growing up. I used to eat these buns with peanut butter for breakfast. It was the perfect combination of nostalgia and something new. Everything on their menu is incredible, I love the tofu bites and tempura broccoli too.

7. Coconut Curry Chicken from Mandalay 📍Silver Springs

Eating here is like sunday lunches in a church basement. This is the type of restaurant DC is missing, it’s unique, homecooked, and full of flavor. This is the best chicken I had all year and they only serve it on sundays as a special. It’s fall off the bone tender in the most amazing sauce. I’m so converted to burmese food, it’s both familiar and new in its flavor and spice profile. (Also get the fermented tea leaf salad, I've never eaten anything like it. It's acquired taste but is so refreshing)

6. Beijing Style Hotpot from i have no idea where we were led into a random alley 📍Beijing

Scene: These large charcoal hotpot contraptions blowing insane smoke into a small overheated room in the middle of a steaming summer day. Most pots used in traditional Beijing hot pots are made of copper and consist of a base underneath loaded with smoldering charcoal with a tall chimney protruding from the center. You can see the cooling pads we’re all wearing on our forehead to cope. The best bite here was dipping the lamb with cartilage (never had this in a hotpot before) in the best sesame sauce known to man.

5. Soba Noodle set from Soba Kiri Mimaki 📍Tokyo

Our first meal in Japan and my second favorite bite of the trip. By bite I mean the combination of the perfectly bouncy soba noodles, the refreshing cold broth, the juiciest chicken thighs ever, and perfectly fried light tempura. I’m a slut for side dishes and each one was perfect.

4. Beef Cutlet from Gyukatsu Motomora 📍Tokyo

Best bite in Tokyo - we got there half an hour before opening to make sure we got in first seating. I didn't love the side dishes that came with this meal but the BEEF. You cook it on this hot stone which is such a fun experience and you can cook it to whatver level of medium/rare/well done that you like. It was the best bite of beef I've ever had. Tender and fatty on inside, crispy on outside.

3. Bao zai fan 📍Beijing

A cantonese restaurant down the street from my grandparents’ Beijing apartment - this cantonese style clay pot rice with pork belly, chinese sausage, and shrimp was unbelievably flavorful and crispy at the bottom. Don’t let the white rice fool you, once it was mixed together it had more flavor than any rice dish I’ve ever eaten. Bonus bite - this same meal I had the most incredible white wood ear mushrooms - the texture was firmer than regular wood ear and had such a meaty bite to it.

2. Beijing Roast Duck 📍Beijing

Despite this slightly unappetizing photo, the Beijing roast duck (also down the block from my grandparents’ apartment in Beijing) is the dish that’s stuck with me. It wasn’t just the perfectly tender crispy duck but the sweet sauce, unbelievably thin wraps, sliced scallions, and dipping the whole thing in sugar.

Octopus Ceviche at Maximo Bistrot 📍Mexico City

This meal wasn’t only the best meal of 2024 but it might have been my favorite meal I’ve ever had…..Maximo Bistrot was truly spectacular. We started with this black ash eggplant dip on homemade bread and an incredible octopus ceviche. Then we had the most tender lamb birria, a croissant dipped in a french onion soup like dip, a grilled corn dish, mahi mahi with a crab foam that blew our mind, a tagliatelle with boar, and a wagyu steak dish (all for under $90 a person). If you’re ever in Mexico City, this is a MUST try. We went to Pujol, Contramar, Masala y Maiz and none of them compared to Maximo Bistrot.

Dessert/Pastry Honorable Mentions

Chaurand Goat Cheese Ice Cream with Phyllo, Guava, Olive Oil from Maximo Bistrot

Blueberry Ginger Scone from Elle (the candied ginger on this pastry goes so hard)

Royce Nama Dark Chocolates from Japan (a friend once described taking a bite of this as living inside mario kart rainbow road)

Best Drinks

The decaf oat milk pumpkin spice latte I make at home with Katie's Breville Machine. I've spent no money on lattes out since I started making them at home.

that's all :) until next year! (and looking at my travel schedule 2025 is gonna be a good eating year)

an epilogue, uninvited

I think, it’s going to work out - he grins, like he’s said too much

or maybe to annoy me, gives no further details. The image of her boots, at the door,

waking up to a concrete filled skylight. I have taken this picture, this time, too far.

This must be love, he hums and I know no warning will be enough to stop her.

We’ll walk under an eave where the pigeons stalk and wait around, for their bottoms to fall out

their wings a perpetual screech in my ear, alone on my way to lunch.

it was never your fault, only mine

i’ve lost a lot more than just my appetite burning through the car battery, watching your face in the passenger light stumbling over the words on my phone, even now we’re only half grown

somewhere at the trailhead, you’re running after twenty years parked in the lot making up lost ground now, sprinting your way through trail, remember when we went down to the water swim shorts, long top millstone necklace to tie it all off we’re both egomaniacs, you tell me as our feet hit the waves but only one neck drags into the tide the other loiters on the cliffside holding your backpack, forever the amnesiac

is it alright if i stay here awhile? crouched on the ocean floor here in the silent underworld all hell, all dead walking out from the water’s edge my girlhood lying there on the seabed

I lay the blame softly at your feet bending down to wipe your soles with my hair, laughing cheerfully as your crime dangles mid air at some unspoken trespass, I stare

it was never your fault, he says only mine in a voice too soft to be yours i’ve been holding my breath all night hearing the truth is not as euphoric as i had hoped

ten best bites of 2023

This year’s list will be a slight departure from 2022 as I have included a couple home cooked meals. I’ve been eating out a lot less in DC in 2023 and cooking a lot more so the picks may not be as adventurous but equally delicious. (also i’m terrible at taking food pics so half of these are from….google reviews lol)

10. Beuchert Saloon’s eggs benedict dutch baby - I had never seen an eggs benedict on a dutch baby pancake before this dish. The savory hollandaise and prosciutto combined with the fluffy dutch pancake was such a satisfying bite. I always want something savory and sweet at brunch and this hit the spot.

9. Shrimp pasta - Jason saw this video of an italian guy cooking down a pasta base with shrimp heads, basil stems, and scallops so we tried this recipe at home. Hands down the most amazing seafood flavor I’ve ever eaten in a home cooked pasta.

8. Steak - every steak that Jason and I have cooked is chasing this one. It was just perfect.

7. Mariscos1133 Calamari - this dish isn’t the most innovative or new but it tastes amazing against an aji amarillo aioli, serrano sauce, and pickled red onion. Calamari was my childhood go-to appetizer and it remains one of my favorite nostalgic comfort foods.

6. Dolan Uyghur Kawa Goshnan buns - filled with butternut squash, peppers, onions, and spices. I love this dish because it’s reminiscent of chinese meat pies with the same outer dough but uses middle eastern spices and a sweet butternut squash. I love this restaurant and the crossover between Xi’an cuisine (where my grandparents are from) and other Arab influences.

5. Shotted Soft Serve - A random stand in Tyson's Mall had the creamiest ice cream I've ever eaten. They were out of pistachio sauce but the plain soft serve was still a best bite...can't imagine how good it would've been with the sauce. I did not take a pic so here's one from their site.

4. Stracci Rosemary Focaccia, Gigante White beans, Meatballs - We hyped Stracci up like no other restaurant in the DMV and it didn’t disappoint. David took one bite of the focaccia and was like this is better than the focaccia that I had in Italy. That’s probably not true…but speaks to this perfect bite. The meatballs are made with leftover pizza dough as a binder, encased in a flavorful red sauce, creamy stracciatella, and green pesto. If I could eat these beans every day, I would never miss meat again.

3. Little Grace Bakery Matcha Cheesecake - Christina let me taste a bite of her roommate’s cheesecake slice in her tiny new york kitchen this fall. When she finally finished her ex-boyfriend story, I had eaten the entire slice. I was scolded at length but after buying her roommate a replacement cheesecake and two more for us, we all left the trip happy.

2. Piccolo Cuccina Tiramisu - Piccolo Cuccina is my perfect New York restaurant. It felt just like the city and had a half off lunch special. This tiramisu was made table side, had the fluffiest mascarpone, freshest espresso, and tasted better than my mom’s.

1. Piccolo Cuccina Octopus - This octopus made me realize that I’ve never had good octopus in my life. There’s nothing fancy about this dish, no crazy fine dining technique or insane flavors but it was cooked well and I loved it.

my psychiatrist’s office

i tell him i subsist on the last line of my mother’s eulogy may her hands rest in peace with no dishes in the sink

small feelings

I haven't obsessed like this since I was a little kid. Waking up to the same thought from when I fell asleep, a travel companion perched on every seat. I eat lunch with it, walk home with it, ride up and down train tracks with it. The real person is at the bottom of some well, hidden and removed. I obsess over the surface reflection, a few small memories dissolve.

It’s just caffeine, I mumble, I’m alright..it’s all fine. I haven’t had a drink in seventy two hours but my heart shakes out jitters, raining crumbs on old carpet. In my dreams, a rabbit leaps through wet grass. I squint and it’s gone. Just my father on a porch, dirty rag in hand.

The parade dances downstream, a river I can’t cross to friends I can’t reach. The streets glitter like the whole world has switched teams. To some, a pond of heaven - to others, a pit of hell. I’ve never seen this much color or this many pairs of tits.

I cannot tell which plans are being made out of politeness and which ones are true. Sitting alone on the metro, I realize my travel companion was left on the corner of 17th street. It must be for the best. As Bradbury says, this is a summer of rites and ceremonies, discoveries and revelations. All things fall into those two categories.

my favorite things of 2022

1. Moving into my own place for the first time! This moodboard below contains what I’ve bought so far. I’m most proud of finding myself a vintage mid century Broyhill credenza from the 1960s! I paid a pretty penny but the months of stalking was totally worth it. I’m really excited to own something with so much history and design value. I also recommend these HAY pendant lamps, pretty affordable (<$50) and a nice grown up swap for string lights. I’m still struggling with art so this japandi style print is a stand in until I decide if I want a couple large pieces or a gallery wall.

2. Survivor Michigan All-Stars - If I recommend one form of media this year it’s going to be………a college Youtube series. If you’re a fan of reality shows, social experiments on social hierarchies/power, game theory, and character development, you would love the show. It’s filmed by college students (reflected in camera quality) but the editing team has crafted such a nuanced and powerful storyline over the first four seasons. My hype going into All-Stars was unmatched by any other 2022 release. There’s betrayal, shock value, dating drama, and some of the best singular moments I’ve ever seen on TV. I have trouble watching other reality tv shows now, this is just that much more compelling.

3. The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel - Amy Hempel’s writing brings out another side to our everyday experiences and tragedies that I often don’t have the language to express. Writing and reading have always been the main avenues in which I feel more human but this book in particular touches on reasons to live.

4. Etude Lash Primer + Heroine Make Volume and Curl - This is an under $20 killer eyelash combo. 2022 is the year I finally made my stubborn Asian lashes work. Here’s the secret. Heat your eyelash curler with a hair dryer for about 5 seconds until hot. Curl your eyelashes (focus on the corners) while your curler is still hot (reheat between eyes if needed). Apply lash primer IMMEDIATELY. This stuff is amazing - it’ll hold a curl and also make your mascara pop. Let the primer dry and apply a heroine make mascara. This mascara has been hyped for years now on social media and I finally bit the bullet. It’s the best mascara on the market for Asian lashes.

5. AI Chat Bot trained on childhood journal entries - This combines two things that I find really interesting - the amount of data we have on our past selves and childhood journals. Simulating a younger self with AI to have insightful/healing conversations is a use of technology that I find both fascinating and slightly uncomfortable. I recently had a phase in November where I reread an entire chat log history of an old friend. Having so much data on our relationships inside a Facebook download file means that it’s easy to cross check our memory of certain events and relive a period of time. I not only have the event itself on permanent text record but also each friend’s different reactions to my retelling of the story in their text files. It’s a function that feels unsafe to have - as if the past should just be left blurry and unclear in our memory.

6. 2022 Playlist - I didn’t listen to as much music this year as normal. A larger proportion was spent on podcasts but every song on this playlist scratches an itch in my brain

top ten bites of 2022

10. 2825 day aged Mole - pujol

On the eve of our last night in Mexico City, Jason and I snagged a last minute (very difficult to get) reservation at the $$$$ restaurant Pujol. We had been laying in bed all day trying to regain our appetite from a bout of food poisoning and spent most of this meal running to the bathroom between courses. Our (hilarious) pain aside, it was a spectacular meal. This mole had been continuously cooking for over seven years and had such a depth of flavor (fermented fruit, chiles, and chocolate). The only reason I have it ranked lower on this list is because it was just a plate of sauce and would’ve tasted better on some chicken.

9. Seafood Beef Stew - Lighthouse Tofu

I usually don’t order Korean stews and opt for a stir fry dish at Korean restaurants, but this stew really changed my mind. The seafood added such a depth of flavor and I loved all the side dishes. Maybe I was biased from not having good Korean food since I moved to DC but I’m still thinking about this meal (and the side of galbi).

8. Fava Bean Dip and Pita Bread - Andros Taverna

This was the starter for my April 4 birthday meal and it set up a spectacular four courses. Andros Taverna puts pretty much all other dip/pita based cuisine to shame (topping Chicago’s Galit and really any Mediterranean restaurant from here to New York). The sauces had incredible flavor (I love dill) and the oven baked pita is some of the fluffiest, most flavorful bread I’ve ever tasted. My grandma used to cook a lot of fava beans in chinese dishes growing up so this dip in particular had something familiar and something new to it.

7. Rolled Lasagna - Ciccio Mio

I won’t deny that this pick might be slightly influenced by the scenery. Ciccio Mio has a stunning interior (highly recommend for date night) and my college roommate + I went right before a night at the ballet. This rolled lasagna is probably influenced by the Don Angie one but it’s much cheaper (at only $24 vs $60) and absolutely mindblowing. It’s a perfectly cooked pasta on the inside, crispy on top, and the sauce is full of basil flavor. Finish with an espresso and pavlova and it’s a perfect Chicago meal.

6. Naem Khao salad - Thip Khao

The only DC meal to make it on this list this year, Thip Khao has been known for this salad for years now. It’s absolutely worth the hype and a perfect combination of textures and flavor. I love the lime, sour pork, and peanuts in this dish. Wrapped in lettuce? Perfection. I’ve honestly never had anything like it and am thankful everyday that I don’t have a nut allergy.

5. suadero tacos with grilled mexican green onions - Tacos Tony

This was the second taco we ate in Mexico City upon landing and it’s convinced me that al pastor tacos aren’t the best ones on the block. This taco was incredibly flavorful but the highlight was a whole sweet mexican green onion that had been grilled on top of the meat juices. It had a perfect char and tasted delicious on top of the taco. I’ve been buying them from the grocery store lately and charring them myself. I really love how traveling introduces you to new ways of cooking your daily meals.

4. any slice of pizza - Jimmy’s Pizza

Everything after this is from Mexico City, but a slice of Jimmy’s Pizza is sneaking in at #4. My old coworker once said that his New York born and raised wife claimed Jimmy’s Pizza was better than any slice she had ever had in New York. That might be sacrilegious to say but this stuff has some secret drug in it. I’ve honestly just never tasted anything quite as addicting. I used to get tacos every Friday night in Chicago as a “end of work week” treat but I switched over to Jimmy’s Pizza after discovering it.

3. pastor con queso taco - Taqueria Los Parados

This was probably the source of our stomach clutching food poisoning. Would I eat it again if I had the chance? Probably. It’s cheese cooked with vegetables, al pastor, and mushrooms topped with the freshest green sauce and pico. Shoutout to Lena for randomly picking this off the menu, we ordered a second round.

2. tuna ceviche - Paramo

Cheers to Jason’s coworker Diego for suggesting this place. There were so many great drinks (one of my favorite sips of sangria ever) and dishes (boar uni taco? yes) but the tuna ceviche really topped my list. It was simple (tuna, cucumbers, avocado and onions on a tostada) but the fresh fish, bright sauce, and crunchy tostada really made it a perfect dish. (apologies for the dark pic)

1. snail ceviche - pujol

And topping the list at #1 is another seafood dish - this time at the famed Pujol (as mentioned in #10). This was the dish that shocked me most in the tasting menu. The snail is incredibly fresh and delicate, I drank all the sauce, and it tasted incredible on a taro chip. If it’s not obvious now, I love contrast in dishes (something with a softer texture + something crunchy, lots of acidity, some fattiness) and this dish executed that perfectly.

honorable mentions: blanco colima’s lemon dessert, pho 75′s pho, chicken milanese torta from la esquina del chilaquiles, steak chilaquiles from el cardinal, every other pujol dish, oyster taco from mi tocaya, the octopus okonomiyaki from gaijin, seolleongtang from han bat.

Best drinks

4. Mexican beer - i don’t remember the name it came in a yellow can but way better than the beer i’ve had before

3. Floral white sangria from Yunnan by Potomac

2. Sangria from Paramo

1. Belle’s punch from Succotash

christian frameworks

I think I need to start being more honest - with friends, with people in church, with myself. Going back to a fairly evangelical church in DC after my brief united methodist stint in Chicago is a bit of a shock to the system. It’s a fairly left leaning congregation, but the core remains the same. Even though I don’t really believe any of this, I participate in discussions and pray as if I do - it’s like an old muscle to draw on even if I don’t lift anymore. This whole experience has recently given me some new thoughts to reflect on about church culture. First, that the evangelical Christian experience likes to reduce all of our complex human experiences into simple, digestible frameworks or soundbites.

1. God has a plan. He’s in control and you need to learn to trust him more. This suffering and trial will bring you closer to God and the path He intends for you. 2. Our self worth comes from God’s love and our sins come from not believing this enough.

There are a lot more but I’m going to focus on these two first. It’s not that I don’t believe there is value in these frameworks but I think these frameworks became “God” to us and there wasn’t much room for nuance. Looking back on my college church experience, a lot of it was trying to squeeze my experiences, emotions, and desires into these small, simplified sentences. It may have been just my own experiences but the culture was all about creating narratives for your life and understanding it through a “biblical lens”. Nuance is difficult in any mass setting so these biblical lenses often became very reductive frameworks. For example, I directly tied the reason for my sexual assault with my need for male validation which was because I didn’t believe God loved me enough and I didn’t put my self worth in God. Are parts of that true? Yes, but the encouragement of mentors around me to pursue this conclusion left out a much larger picture: the very normal desire for physical intimacy, the lack of education around consent and boundaries, and the suppression of my feelings for someone because they didn’t fit into the ideal picture of a Christian partner. (Note: none of this justifies the assault itself which is solely the fault of the person, it is simply an investigation into the larger ecosystem that enabled it to take place.)

Being Christian often felt like going through life with your mind already made up and a preset list of questions to ask when making my judgements. Yes, I wanted to be open minded but only to a degree. I always believed I had a foundation to stick to but that foundation was more like a great wall. Seeing other people’s experiences and beliefs through the lens of what is biblically true or not also reduces their experiences. We start putting value judgements and motivations on their decisions. They made x mistake? It’s because they don’t know Jesus loves them. They did y? They just need God. It’s not only arrogant, it takes away the complexity of the human experience.

I think in the face of life, these reductive frameworks start to fall apart. There are no simple answers or easy solutions. Trusting God more doesn’t fix every problem. I do believe Christian thought/biblical study has a depth and wealth of wisdom to draw from - I’ve just found that church culture often relies on frameworks of thinking that aren’t as biblical as they claim to be.

foreign language i

10/23

Sometimes I feel like Paul listing out all his qualifications as a Jew, trying to prove that my unbelief now wasn’t because I wasn’t true then.

I would pinpoint fourth grade as when I became a conscious person. It was the age where I first began to write - journal entries on my favorite books and whatever elementary school conflict I was having with friends (opinions on twilight, the social hierarchy, boys). But it was also when I first developed my obsession with God. God was this unknowable fascinating person who dominated all of my interests and thoughts. My faith grew through high school and college but my obsession stayed the same. Everything else was always second to how much I thought, wrote, and talked about God.

It’s difficult to imagine these old memories when every worship lyric sounds like a foreign language now. The sounds are familiar but I can’t fathom any of the meanings. These were the songs where I had first met God and first experienced his love. These songs were the ones I had sung to calm myself down growing up, the songs we played together in our worship nights, the words I listened to on the way to class and in the shower. In a way, it feels like a lost connection to myself. For the first twenty one years of my life, I spoke a language and I used it everyday to talk to my best friend. And now even if I wanted to talk to God, I’ve lost the ability to speak that language.

Christians often talk about doubt as a vehicle to strengthen their faith and grow closer to God. Doubt’s main function is to reexamine your beliefs and come out trusting God more. If your conclusions are different, they should be within the realm of acceptable belief. I’ve always known that my doubt was a result of deeply deeply caring about my faith. It also led me to realize from the deepest parts of my soul, that some beliefs were untrue - that they were inconsistent, irreconcilable, and no longer what I could hold to.

I just never thought that I would lose my own language too. It always felt like I was following God into something more real, more good, and closer to who God is. Perhaps that’s still true, but it feels like I came out of a tunnel and there’s just a salt plain stretching out with no soul in sight.

10/24

That last sentence has a sense of “putting-out-the-fire” finality that I don’t really mean. Yes, I felt as if I followed God out of the Church. I also believe that all belief systems contain both good and the capacity for harm. There’s no sense in seeing this shift so linearly - away from the bad towards what is good. There is still a lot of God and a lot of good in the faith that I had, it’s all still a continuous evolution. I think we hear deconstruction/reconstruction so much in the internet sphere now that people throw it out and dismiss it as just another person going through this old cycle but faith evolution is such a beautiful, challenging, delicate process. It’s so challenging sometimes that I have to put it away on a top top shelf for a few months or a year. I haven’t thought about many of these things in a long time because I’ve been so future and present focused. There’s been a move, a new relationship, a new city, a new job, new friends, the shock of actual adulthood. There isn’t time to think about the specific nuances of a belief system that isn’t helping me figure out how to budget my limited income right now.

Chicago Food Tour

All the places I've eaten at in Chicago the last year. The ratings are on a color scale with a true green being the highest rated and red being the lowest. I'd recommend anything in the green/yellow color range! Also includes bars and cafes.

ten best bites of 2021

Most of the last six months was spent making lots and lots of spreadsheets while watching lots and lots of Survivor. Tracking everything I ate and every dollar I spent was this reassuring hedge against all the things I couldn't control in adult life. Adjusting has been a little hard but moving to Chicago had the upside of having an incredible amount and diversity of food. I guess part of it is my inexperience from living in suburban Michigan my whole life but I'm honestly shocked at how someone can go from michelin guide places to every type of immigrant food on one block. It's lead to a little obsession with r/chicagofood and the blog chibbqking.

anyway here are my top ten bites of 2021 :)

10. Al Pastor Tacos at Taqueria Tayahua - I used to order exclusively fish/shrimp tacos but al pastor has become my go to. Small/authentic place in Pilsen - Lena's been raving about it since last May and it lived up to the hype. There are so many taco places in Chicago I still need to try but this was my favorite one so far.

9. Matcha Cream Puff at Beard Papa's - I actually did not get to eat this one whole. It exploded in the bag on the way home but the matcha cream was so good I scraped it out of the paper bag soooooooo

8. Earl Gray/Taro Twist Soft Serve at Kurimu - a pretty popular Asian ice cream place for awhile now but the texture is the creamiest and the flavors change monthly. It's definitely pricey but worth it for the 30 seconds it takes me to eat the whole thing. If you don't like soft serve, the sesame flavor regular ice cream is also incredible. (A close runner up for favorite soft serve is Huddle in Detroit)

7. Liang Pi at Xi'an Dynasty - we came here for my dad's birthday because he grew up in Xi'an but the liang pi here is so refreshing and reminds me of the summer I spent in China. It's nice to have a Lincoln Park location because we live too far north to regularly make a trek to Chinatown.

6. Chicken and Waffles at Luella's Southern Kitchen - the chicken dipped in maple syrup was so good - perfectly fried, so much flavor. This place is three steps from my apartment and named after the chef's grandma. Really loved this 77 Flavors of Chicago podcast interview with him. Had to fight Jason to finish this since we were dumb and only got one portion haha.

5. Lemon Ricotta Pancakes with caramelized apples and chantilly cream at Chez Maman West- came for brunch in San Francisco in November when we were visiting (hi curtis). Everything here was great and I honestly never want to eat American brunch again. Favorite pancakes I've had - so light, so much flavor!! All the egg dishes were a win too.

4. Shrimp a la Agnes at Ignotz Ristorante - this dish + fresh bread + sitting on the street under string lights with dean martin playing = a dream. This was a post art gallery, 10 PM, stumble down the street trip and it was incredible.

3. Zucchini Fritters at Rose Mary - the crisp! the green aioli! Rose Mary is definitely overhyped for how impossible it is to get a reservation and a lot of the other dishes fell flat but this one was stunning and I still think about it sometimes.

2. Mafaldine Pasta at Gather - maybe Rose Mary's lamb mafaldine was disappointing because of how good this one was but this pasta was just so so good. Every bite was such a surprising combination of flavors (fava beans! caramelized leeks! lemon!) and it kinda changed the way I saw pasta.

1. Brussel Sprouts at Gather - brussel sprouts as my best bite of 2021??? When I first bit into this dish, I honestly couldn't recognize it as brussel sprouts. There was so much umami with a white miso glaze/parmigiano/bonito flake that I felt like I was eating something else entirely. Gather is 100% my favorite restaurant in Chicago so far because of how they turn each dish on its head and make it into such a unique experience.

That's all! Favorite drink was probably the blueberry cocktail at Gadabout or the Pandora at Ala in DC.

If anyone is visiting Chicago anytime and wants more recs hit me up, I have a very organized spreadsheet for you.

Cheers to this new year and lots more food to come :)

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