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I don't know what else to do. I assume you'll never find me, never look for me, never care about where I am or what I'm doing.

You said you loved me once, but I don't know what love looks like when it's not abandoning me. I just assume you're going to abandon me. Every time you go silent, I assume that's what's happening, and I run.

Silence isn't safe.

I just feel like I have brain damage. I'm so fucking sad and fucked up and I can't stop thinking about you. I feel like I fucked something up but every time I actually sit and think about it, you would leave me on read. Charged me a lot of money for things. I don't know what you wanted or intended. I just felt like I was just in this weird fever dream, and that just made me feel unsafe. Like I was being played with and not in a fun way.

My ex made me feel disposable, like a piece of trash to toss out when it no longer serves someone. I was just waiting for you to do the same. I'm just going to hurt everyone I try to get close to. I don't feel good about myself right now.

I just need a hug. And for someone to just text me that they can't text when they're busy. To just let me know that I'm still loved. I feel like I don't get to ask that. I feel like I'm just a piece of trash, and trash doesn't get to ask for someone to do things for them that will make them feel better.

I'm not trash. I just feel like it. I'm not trash I'm not trash I'm not trash. I'm loved. I'm beautiful. I'm not trash. Repeat over and over again until the feeling stops. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I feel like my brain is damaged. I feel like I'm just chaos. I feel the way a dragon looks it's in it's death throes, thrashing around and damaging everything in it's path. I'm trying to be alone so I don't hurt anyone. I'm trying to learn to be alone, so I'm not hurting anybody. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel like I'm bleeding out on the floor. Like someone's cut open my heart and I'm trying to staunch the blood flow while I'm dying on the floor in a puddle of my own blood.

Maybe I'll just let it happen, and try to look at the stars one last time and remember when I felt hope before all of this. I feel like everything good in me is dying and I don't know how to stop it. I wanted to believe in love so badly, but how can anyone love me when I'm like this?

em-iliart

teeth studies

Listen/purchase: 夜明けが訪れる by t e l e p a t h テレパシー能力者

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Listen/purchase: Warlord of the Weejuns by Goya Gumbani

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Listen/purchase: Skinty Fia by Fontaines D.C.

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Listen/purchase: Romance by Fontaines D.C.

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Listen/purchase: Coma by GAEREA

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"And there is another valuable discovery our species has made, albeit the hard way: we are capable of absolutely transforming environments. The place you lie, sit, or stand reading this was probably altogether different a hundred years ago, not to mention two thousand years ago; and almost all of those changes were brought about by human beings. We have completely remade our world in the past few centuries, changing life for almost every kind of plant and animal, ourselves most of all. It only remains for us to experiment with executing (or, for that matter, not executing) these changes intentionally, in accordance with our needs and desires, rather than at the mercy of irrational, inhuman forces like competition, superstition, routine.

Once we realize this, we can claim a new destiny for ourselves, both individually and collectively. No longer will we be buffeted about by powers that seem beyond our control; instead, in this exploration of ourselves through the creation of new environments, we will learn all that we can be. This path will take us out of the world as we know it, far beyond the farthest horizons we can see from here. We will become artists of the grandest kind, painting with desire as a medium, deliberately creating and recreating ourselves—becoming, ourselves, our own greatest work.

To accomplish this, we’ll need to learn how to coexist and collaborate successfully: to see just how interconnected all our lives are, and finally learn to live with that in mind. Until this becomes possible, each of us will not only be denied the vast potential of her fellows, but her own potential as well; for we all make together the world that each of us must live in and be made by.

The other thing that is lacking is the knowledge of our own desires. Desire is a slippery thing, amoebic and difficult to pin down, let alone keep up with. If we’re going to make a destiny out of the pursuit and transformation of desire, we first must find ways to discover and release our loves and lusts. For this, not enough experience and adventure could ever suffice. So the makers of this new world must be more generous and more greedy than any who have come before: more generous with each other, and more greedy for life!"

CrimethInc. Days of War, Nights of Love Crimethink for Beginners

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