Everyday Life- as me.

[wynter-panther]

its been nearly 10 years since i changed my name...and it was a mistake. I changed who i was for someone who didnt even end up mattering, I gave up everything for a person who couldn't even see what was in front of them. let a lone me. I tried so hard. i wanted to be cool. i wanted to belong, i wanted friends. I wanted to belong to a bigger whole. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. My choice to leave my ex was the right one, even for the wrong reasons. human being are meant to grow, to change to never stay the same. I never want to stay the same. i want to grow i want to evolve and i want to learn. given the oppertunity i hope i never stop. I might have been wrong about a lot ogf stuff. i might have been wrong about me. but im not wrong in believing that love should come without conditions. names and pronouns are just labels. labels to help other people define and create an image of us. they dont change who we are or what we believe and stand for. love shoulndt be dependant on labels. just actions and commetment.

I did my ex wrong, i did myself wrong. i never changed to get better, to make space for a new veiw point or idea. i never changed for me, i put others before myself, my commiments and the union i promised to uphold. how can i ever even think about being truthful and honest with anyone else if i cant be honest with myself? changing for any reason that's not for my own betterment and growth is lying. its lying to everyone i know, i meet and even myself. I've felt lost for so long, like i havent been able to find me again. how can that be surprising? of course i dont feel authentic, im not being authentic. im being a version of me that was created for the view of a visitor. i wanted to be seen as queer and inclusive and more importantly than anything else i wanted to be part of a community. i wanted to feel like i belonged to something bigger, when all i was doing was narrowing my world view, and isolating myself from the rest of the world. I stopped growing, i stopped choosing to grow; to not grow is to be stagnant, to stagnate is to rot. Rot starts at the bottom. It starts in the foundation, the roots. tbc

[wynter-panther]

I’m contingency planning again.

Already planning on you leaving

Already planning on not being your choice

Already planning to not being enough

[wynter-panther]

When I tell you I’m crazy, I mean it.

I mean so unstable I make a see-saw look flat.

Emotions so big you get lost in them.

Ok, not lost in them.

More like lost to them.

[wynter-panther]

It maybe murmurs to you but it doesn’t sound like sleep to me.

[wynter-panther]

I need to learn to be mean

But mean is simple

Mean is easy when the target is me

[wynter-panther]

I’m crashing out.

90 mph on a dark road

Hairpins turns with no signs.

Navigation is offline

No one’s at the brakes

90 mph to the wrong conclusion

90 mph to hurt feelings

90 mph and the only back seat driver is me.

[wynter-panther]

I want to write peotry I say to a blank screen feeling silly.

“Write one thing a day”

Yea, right, ok: one thing

No prompts or problems

No promises or provisions

Just one thing

And here I am only able to think of you.

[wynter-panther]

Can one restart something that they never really stopped?

Maybe on paper or in the ether,

I should have written it down.

Taken the time to remember

Made myself known to…

I don’t know,

to anyone

really.

I should have told someone how much I was feeling

How much I was hurting

But I couldnt.

Not in a meaning full way

It posed dangers none of them could have known.

It wasn’t great but hey.

But the devil know, you know?

I don’t know what im writing but it needs to go somewhere that’s not here that not within me

They say that writing supposed to help.

I don’t know if that’s true but maybe it’s worth a shot.

[wynter-panther]

No one talks about how badly it hurts when you want to stay but can’t find a reason

[wynter-panther]

Now that I see the behavior pattern how do you even begin to change it?

[wynter-panther]

I’m like watching a train wreck step by step.

[wynter-panther]

What the fuck does being enough feel like?

[wynter-panther]

I’ve been thinking a lot about being alone lately. How no matter what I do I know I have you. But what about when I don’t? What will I do? 20 years without you is a long time to be alone and I don’t want to be either out you. Will your kids come by for dinner after you’re gone? Would they even care to call? How many day will I find myself alone by your grave telling you about my day, about what’s in my head, about how much I miss you? Will I be ever be able to move away once you’re bound to the earth? Time feels to infinite when I think about the years with out you but right now that I have you it feels so short. I worry about what waking up without you will look like. How I’ll navigate the world without my compass to guide me home. How can I stay tethered here when you’re the only weight that keeps me here? What will I do with out you? And why, why is it always at 11:33pm when the only thing around me is the sound of my own breathing do I find myself wallowing in borrowed grief that’s not meant for a lifetime. I don’t want to die alone but I’m gonna have to die without you.

[wynter-panther]

To My Mister:

I can’t even begin to explain how deeply in love with you I am. You make my world seem right. All the sourness of life doesn’t turn my cheeks in. Not when I know that you’re there. I love the feeling of coming home when I see you, when I answer the phone. Every time I miss you I know it’s because missing you means you’re apart of me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Everything in me reaches for you, my sadness, my hope, my love, my soul, the very essence of who I am calls for you. You soothe my worries, calm my anxieties, kiss my bruises and bring me joy at my lowest. Everything about almost feels like we were created for each other. The way your hands fit in mine or the perfect way I fit into your arms and you fit in mine. It’s incredible. Year after year my faith in love waned,I stopped believing in happy But you? You make me question everything I thought I knew about love. But in reality my thoughts on love were childish, immature. I often find myself with you running through my thoughts. A love so exuberant it seems from my heart and calms my brain. I love knowing that one day I’ll come home to you and you to me. Late night phone calls will turn into in person conversations. Sleeping is so much nicer with you, I sleep more soundly, more comfortably, even with your snoring. I know times a rough, I know you’re full of anxiety, I know you’re tired of being sick. But honestly, there’s no place I’d rather be than with you, even if it’s a hospital. I’ll love you always. You left an imprint on my heart that will never go away and frankly if you leave I’ll keep it as a remind of what love truly is. I’ll compare everyone to you. I can’t imagine finding someone more perfect for me than you.

[wynter-panther]

Falling in love with you was so unexpected.

Your charm, your laugh, your kiss on my lips.

They make my brain turn to static before fizzling down into smoothing hum.

Your hands in my hair?

I’m melting.

Your skin on my skin?

Starts a fire.

Your hand in my hand?

Unequivocal.

Your closeness sets my heart on fire.

And I find myself asking:

How long will this last?

My heart answers:

Always.

[wynter-panther]

Falling in love like the movies is so overrated.

A thousand times over I’d choose to fall in love with you the way I did.

A rainy night

A tragedy

A simple need

A simple kiss

I think I fell in love with you right there.

Right where we were sitting on the floor.

There was nothing gentle or poised about how you took the first kiss.

Just a minute of heat, a flash of desire and calmness that flooded my mind, making it frizz and frazzle static on the screen

Havent I read this before?

[wynter-panther]

15 thing I wish i had known when I was 15

15. Words in don’t make amends, but actions do.

14. The little things you do are important.

13. Don’t let other people tell you who to be.

14. Thoughts are loud, be louder

13. Don’t listen to yourself when you’re upset. You never know what could be damaged.

12. Sit with your feelings and get to known them.

11. Don’t wallow in them

10. Art is art. Yes even what you make.

9. If you’re scared, Do it anyway

8. Life doesn’t have to end after high school

7. Every tear you cry over somebody else is time wasted

6. What people do is not a reflection on you

5. There are other people in the world, your partner now is not the end.

4. Coming back to something is ok. Not everything has to be solved right now.

3. Listen to what people are saying, not what you think their saying

2. You’re the main character in your story, not anyone else’s.

1. Love loudly. Love boldly and love without reservation