[managingitall]

In a 'im going to kill myself soon so let's do whatever the fuck we want' kinda mindset

[healingschemas-deactivated20201]

DBT Self-Help Resources: Self-esteem journal

Use this worksheet to help you to build confidence and improve your self-esteem.

[terrariadotorg-deactivated20190]

Bpd sucks, you’re either attached to someone as if it’s life or death, or you keep everyone at arms length and deal with everything in total isolation.

[borderlinebeau]

Bpd (borderline personality disorder) is a disorder when you feel emotions way more intensely than “regular” (aka non-bpd ppl) do. When a regular person would feel happy, a bpd person feels euphoric. When a regular person would feel sad, a bpd person feels like everything is falling apart and its basically like despair overcomes them. When a regular person would be angry, a bpd person feels so furious that they are blind to everything around them.

Basically, bpd BECOMES your personality because your emotions overtake everything. There’s no healthy sense of judgment. Impulse buying is a huge problem for ppl w bpd (both with happy and sad emotions). Jealousy is a huge thing w bpd ppl.  As I said before, emotions take over everything. So jealousy is incredibly blinding. When another person is talking to a bpd person’s friend, the bpd person can literally (and I actually do mean in a very real sense) wish death upon the other person.

Jealousy is worst with a bpd person’s fp. An fp is a bpd person’s Favorite Person. Its just as the name implies, an fp is the bpd person’s literal favorite person. But the difference between a bpd’s fp and a regular person’s favorite person is the intensity of the attachment. A bpd person will do almost anything for their fp. Honestly. If their fp asks them for something, a bpd person will do everything in their power to get that thing. This can become very abusive, with an fp taking advantage of a bpd person. Bpd is a very jealous disorder, as I said before. When a new person comes into an fp’s life, the bpd person can be blinded by jealousy. To be honest, anybody an fp pays attention to that’s not the bpd person causes intense jealousy. And it’s ridiculously hard to get over an fp. I don’t know of anybody who’s successfully fully gotten over an fp. That kind of attachment makes an impact.

Splitting is another bpd thing. Splitting is where you go from absolutely loving a person one second to hating their guts the next. And it really is that quick of a switch. It happens with fps too. Except with them, they stay your fp no matter what you do. A bpd person can split back, especially with an fp, but it’s not a voluntary thing. They can’t control it either positively or negatively.

Another huge thing with bpd is the “lack” of a personality. Borderline Personality Disorder IS a personality disorder. Therefore, it alters a person’s personality. A bpd person will usually assume other people’s characteristics to fill the pieces “missing” from their personality. When a bpd person is indifferent about a thing but they find out their friend likes it, they adore it. If a bpd person loves something but their friends hate it, they despise it. And again, none of this is voluntary.

A bpd person needs constant attention to feel loved. They depend on their friends and family to validate them. They can get paranoid that somebody hates them if they don’t reply to texts or if they don’t make an effort to hang out w the bpd person (especially if this person is their fp). Letting a bpd person know why you can’t reply or hang out and planning when you can later is really helpful. Like if you’re going to church or something and you can’t text, let your bpd friend know that and tell them you will text them after (AND ACTUALLY TEXT BACK!!!!). Feeling ignored is terrifying for a bpd person. Because of this, when a bpd person feels ignored, they may lash out or do something dangerous or exaggerate stories for attention. They feel that they can lose their support system and basically their whole personality.

Bpd sucks. It’s a living hell. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, not even my absolute worst enemy. None of it is voluntary. At all. It’s exhausting having this disorder. Trying to live with this is so hard. We’re all just trying to survive, even though it’s so so tough.

[wtfisbpd-blog]

BPD, Relationships and Imprinting

im·print

verb

come to recognize (another animal, person, or thing) as a parent or other object of habitual trust.

I’ve had to do a lot of reflecting upon relationships lately, and what it means to have a partner. What I can offer a partner, and what I wish to be offered in return. We are all unique; we all carry very different pasts in our baggage, but we mostly pack that in with a similar hope for the present. Or the future. We want to be heard, supported, loved and understood. We want to share our existence with a special person (or some special people) more intimate to us than the rest. With few exceptions, this is human nature.

I can’t confidently speak for neurotypicals but in borderline-land, we sometimes use the word “imprint” to describe our (sometimes dysfunctional) relationship with our “FP” (favorite person); this is the individual we choose to let through the gate before slamming it shut again. You, the neurotypical, are the human we place our trust in, our hope and healing in. You are the person who represents safety and love, and You are the mere mortal that we occasionally, unfortunately, regard as a superhero. Yes, unfortunate. Flattering at first, maybe, but some of us still struggle to understand that you are no more powerful than we are, and that you do not possess the ability to save us, and that does not mean you love us less for your lack of trying. 

And speaking of love, oh god, do we love you. The person we let inside our broken brains and bloodied hearts is offered a home there, begged to move in and unpack every piece of themselves so that we might examine each of those, each of the pieces, until we have adoringly memorized them all. The little scars, the favorite books, the baby videos. The day the truth came out about the tooth fairy and how you felt when it happened. The day you got your driver’s license, the middle names of your parents, the first house you grew up in and even the last place you threw up in. There is no story you can tell us that we will not find riveting because it is so rare for us to feel things like trust. And comfort. And hope. And don’t get me wrong; we don’t feel that all the time, even with you. 

Sometimes especially not with you. 

We are also wary and frightened and suspicious of you, but your presence gives us a break, a beautiful fucking break, from the sheer terror of an otherwise shaky foundation that is underneath built on sand. And we do not love you out of convenience; love is a language most of us had to teach ourselves and many of us still can’t master the accent. Like any second language, it doesn’t always conceal the native one. The language of fear, or shame, or a deep and unending sadness. 

And badness.

The language of love can’t really erase our badness, our self-perceived core of preternatural evil. It is who we are, as innate as our voices and ingrained as our fingerprints. But if you are the favorite person, if you are the imprint, then just for a little bit we can kind of try to trust you when you say that no, we are good. That we are clean. That we are loved. That we are wanted.

But that feeling exists inside you, not inside us. It leaves when you do, you chosen one, who carries some of our pieces in your pocket. And that is why you must not leave, why you cannot leave, why we cannot stand your espied absence. Why sometimes we must do the pushing, the opening the door and the slamming it, because without you we are nothing and nothing is numbing. Sometimes it’s just too hard, too terrifying, to imagine our imprint leaving us. 

She didn’t know who would leave or stay, so she pushed them all away.

Im:print

noun

A mark made by pressing something onto a softer substance so that its outline is reproduced.

Please, my outline. I’m such a soft substance. 

Push me back. Pull me up.

[kellyann-graceful-warrior]

Quotes/Descriptions of BPD

I decided to gather a list of descriptions/quotes that stood out and really captured the essence of Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotional Regulation Disorder. I found these particular quotes to be very descriptive and provide a great interpretation/awareness of what it is like for those affected by the condition.  - “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” -Dr. Marsha Linehan

- “Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simplyhave, so to speak, no emotional skin.”-Dr. Marsha Linehan

-[Someone with borderline personality disorder] ‘can be thought of as suffering from a kind of hemophilia; one lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate the spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion or prick the delicate ‘skin,’ and one emotionally bleeds to ‘death.’-Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus

- “The borderline personality disorder is one of the most delicate but perhaps most sinister of monsters. The gather is small swarms around their victims and use pheromones to heighten the emotions of said victim, before feeding off on the emotion itself. They feed upon any emotion but tend to favor feelings of depression. The monster is made almost completely of a clear ice, rendering it invisible. Only the maple shaped leaf on its tail is visible to the naked eye and looks like a falling leaf. At times, when the monster gorges itself too much on any given emotion its can overwhelm them and they simply shatter like glass.” -zestydoesthings (Mental illness in form of “monsters”(x)).

- “All mental disorders are sad, but I’ve found borderline to be especially heartbreaking because it comes with such feelings of inadequacy and such a need for acceptance and love, but even when the person gets those things they can hardly accept them, and it doesn’t really change the way they feel about themselves.”-Chad Boxx

- “You can feel the words crawling under your skin. They either can kill you or bring you back to life! Words are so powerful in our brain and before and what you add after a word can give it a soul with heartbeats. But if used as weapons, the feeling of cruel words can be brutal and cut like a knife and beat of heavy chains.” -Ana Landa

- “Emotional intensity" [in borderline personality disorder] means that emotional reactions are extreme. Emotionally intense individuals are the dramatic people of the world. On the negative side, partings may precipitate very intense and painful grief; what would cause slight embarrassment for another may cause deep humiliation; annoyance may turn to rage; shame may develop from slight guilt; apprehension may escalate to a panic attack or incapacitating terror. On the positive side, emotionally intense individuals may be idealistic and likely to fall in love at the drop of a hat. They may experience joy more easily, and thus may also be more susceptible to spiritual experiences.“ -Marsha Linehan

- “In the life cycle of an intense emotion, if it isn’t acted upon, it eventually peaks and then decreases. But as Dr. Linehan explains, people with BPD have a different physiological experience with this process because of three key biological vulnerabilities (1993a): First, we’re highly sensitive to emotional stimuli (meaning we experience social dynamics, the environment, and our own inner states with an acuteness similar to having exposed nerve endings). Second, we respond more intensely and much more quickly, than other people. And third, we don’t ‘come down’ from our emotions for a long time. Once the nerves have been touched, the sensations keep peaking. Shock waves of emotion that might pass through others in minutes keep cresting in us for hours, sometimes days.” -Kiera Van Gelder 

- “BPD is like being a ball of clay that is being reshaped continuously by its surroundings and the ever-changing environment. it is amorphous and has no true form. it is easily manipulated and can be made to look like something else.” - misophonias  (x)

- “I may have no emotional skin and come undone at the smallest interpersonal upset, but I’d make a great bullfighter or firefighter—anything that gets my adrenaline going and focuses me on a physical target. The motorcycle is all of that and more. When I’m on the bike, it feels like a door opens in my chest and the world rushes in, pure, fresh, and sparkling with clarity. It forces me to approach fear with total awareness and to pull reason mind into the moment of intense reactions.”  -Kiera Van Gelder

- “To be borderline is to have little sense of who you are or what turns you on. At its extreme, it may mean having to turn to others for cues in order to know when to eat or drink, work or rest, or even laugh or cry. It may mean intensely embracing a person, idea, or thing one day, and having no use at all for it the next. This lack of a constant picture of one’s self, one’s values, or one’s passions is at the heart of the borderline personality. Imagine floating randomly through space without any sense of up or down and without a map to show you either your origin or destination. To be borderline means to lack grounding emotionally and to exist from moment to moment without any sense of continuity, predictability, or meaning. Life is experienced in fragments, more like a series of snapshots than a moving picture. It is a series of discreet points of experience that fail to flow together smoothly or to create an integrated whole.” -Richard Moskovits

- “It’s a lot like being inside a burning building and yelling for help, while the fireman outside says ‘What are you so upset about? Just climb over the rubble and come on out!” -Alexander L. Chapman

- ‘Identity is graded on a curve. Who they are (and what they do) today determines their worth, with little regard to what has come before. They allow themselves no laurels on which to rest. Like Sisyphus, they are doomed to roll the boulder repeatedly up the hill, needing to prove themselves over and over again.’ -Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus (I might add more later!)

[blackandwhitethoughtprocess]

Characteristics & Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder

Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.

“Always” and “Never” Statements - “Always” and “Never” Statements are declarations containing the words “always” or “never”. They are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a “worst case scenario” and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.

Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

“Control-Me” Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or “acting-out” nature.

Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can’t seem to break out of it - that’s depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.

Dissociation - Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.

Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.

Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.

High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Identity Disturbance - A psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view

Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

Learned Helplessness - Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.

Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and one’s own thoughts, words and actions.

Moments of Clarity - Spontaneous periods when a person with a Personality Disorder becomes more objective and tries to make amends.

Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.

Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.

No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options

Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.

Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way.

Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Projection - The act of attributing one’s own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.

Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.

Scapegoating - Singling out an individual or group for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.

Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one’s own self, actions or one’s ethnic or demographic background.

Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or “playing the victim” is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Situational Ethics - A philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so.

Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely “good” or completely “bad”.

Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual’s thoughts or feelings.

Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.

Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Triggering - Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.

Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

[hereislight]

The second time I overdosed, my body couldn’t handle it, and I threw it all up. I texted my dad saying, “I think I took a little too many pills”. And every time I’ve overdosed, I always downplay it. I’ve always tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills was something daily that normal people do. My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle and he shook me to make sure I was awake. I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..” while I was drifting off to sleep. He had to wake me up every 15 minutes to make sure I was okay. Let me tell you now, it is a big deal. The third time I overdosed, I slept through first and second period and passed out in the counselor’s office. I didn’t want to go to the ER. I just wanted to go home. All I wanted to do was sleep. Again, I just said, “I think I took too many pills this morning.” The fifth time I overdosed, my dad found the empty pill box. I hallucinated, I had a fever. I couldn’t move my legs. All I could do was scream, “Don’t take me to the hospital this time. I don’t want to go!” I became friends with a girl who had overdosed she’s one of my best friends now and when I heard she was hospitalized as well, it just makes me realize how real this problem is. A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed. Do you realize how fucked up it is, that I’ve done it so many times that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through? She messaged me saying, “I took a bunch of pills, but I just realized I didn’t want to die. I don’t know what to do. Help.” And I’m screaming at her over the screen that she should throw it up and call 911 because sometimes when someone you love decides that they hate the world, that’s all you can do. You can’t teleport through the phone. You can’t travel through the internet. You can’t be there to hold them and take them to the hospital. Your love is not charcoal that can absorb all their poison in their life. I know, love that you would have done all you could. Sometimes words aren’t enough. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes a person needs to try dying to know that that’s not really what they want. There’s nothing you could have done. You’ve done all you could. Just keep loving them. But you see the thing is, I got lucky. I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses without a scratch on me. But that’s not always the case. My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter locked herself in her room and overdosed. To this day, her stepmother still has a scar on her heart. To this day, on the anniversary of her death, her stepmother still stays home from school on the anniversary of her death. Her sister is in a bad mental state, and so is her biological mother. Her family has fallen apart. You overdose because you think you will get a peaceful release from death. It’s not peaceful. It is not like falling asleep. It is convulsions, vomiting, muscle spasms, fevers, and sharp stomach pains. An overdose is not instant. Hollywood has you believing, that an overdose is how a lady should exit the world. As quiet as she came in, Peaceful and unnoticed. You will go out kicking and screaming and wishing you hadn’t taken them.

6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)

Dedicated to Rae

- via expresswithsilence

(via perfect)

[yourborderlinepersonality]

[oceancha0s]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[shadeless]

[a-onmymind]

I’ve had my blog for two years, and not once have I ever cried at a post, even at all the sad things I’ve seen and reblogged and liked. But this, for some reason, made me cry, out of all posts.

[theordinarygirlsalterego]

Crying

[darknesstilltheend]

My birthday is in the summer..

[x-lost-angel-x]

This is so sad but totally hits home :'(

[wretchedlifeana]

[x-lost-angel-x]

I do eat too much :( why do I have to be so fucking fat!

[x-lost-angel-x]

What a fool am I, I've been in rehab for 10months, and I've been doing well. But then for some reason I've made the conscious decision to go back to my disorders. I need them, they're safe and familiar. Just hope I can keep it hidden from the doctors and staff :/

[pharmaca-deactivated20130324]

Hello Everyone, my name is Danny, I am Katelyn’s boyfriend. Late last night Katelyn was taken back into hospital from an overdose she had taken last week, her organs were shutting down slowly, yesterday, the hospital let her out, thinking everything was okay, but didn’t know she was in severe pain, Katelyn didn’t say anything, it was her ‘back-up plan’ to suicide. So shes drifting slowly, and the doctors said she will not make it. She will be missed, and I can’t cope without her here. I miss her so much already, and love her with every little bit of my heart. When she goes I don’t know what I will do, she is my perfect, sweet, loving girlfriend.

This photo was taken the day she came out of hospital. 

[ali-bubblez]

I don’t care what fucking blog you have, you have to reblog this right now. 

[habibanasr]

if you have a pink “rosy” blog, whatever, REBLOG THIS!

[fluorescent]

omfg :(

[a-suicidal-boy]

This made me so sad :( 

[d-e-a-r-l-y]

i’m crying

[x-lost-angel-x]

This is so sad :'(

[taylorknightxx-deactivated20131]

I’ve had enough.

[x-lost-angel-x]

I've had enough :'(

[useless-minority]

[endlesslyunhappy]

[x-lost-angel-x]

I think this every day

[caixadecicatrizes]