Gertrude: Hamlet I know you want to go back to university (where Horatio is) but I need you here (where Ophelia is)
Hamlet: *sees Horatio* ššš
Hamlet: uh oh, do I forget myself
Ophelia: Hamlet says he loves me
Laertes: Please donāt believe him - heās not allowed to follow his heart, he has to do whatever is best for Denmark [babe you are his beard???]
Polonius: Please donāt believe him - the prince can have sexual indiscretions, but you canāt [girl heās screwing around with guys???]
Hamlet: *sees his fatherās ghost*
Horatio: Stop! What if itās dangerous??
Horatio: *physically holding Hamlet back* I canāt let him hurt you
Polonius: Hamlet wrote Ophelia this love letter
Gertrude: Really? Hamlet??? š¤Ø
Polonius: Yeah it says āIām totally in love with you, babe, I swear, why donāt you believe me?ā
Polonius: But donāt worry, I know she isnāt in a good enough social sphere to marry him
Gertrude: Wait no I want Hamlet to marry literally any girl Ophelia actually
Gertrude: God wouldnāt it be great if Hamlet was acting so weird because he thought a girl was hot
Hamlet, to Polonius: *cishet voice* Better lock up your hot daughter so I donāt get her pregnant, amirite fellow straight dude ššš
Hamlet, to his friends: I donāt like men
Hamlet: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING
Hamlet: The pangs of despised love are too much to bear š¢
Hamlet: Hey hottie! Did you pray for my sins lol
Ophelia: Here are your love letters back
Hamlet: I gave you no such thing
Ophelia: You did though???
Hamlet: haha, are you serious? ā¦Youāre hot? Ok, like, yes, I didā
Ophelia: You made me believe you loved me
Hamlet: Oh you should not have believed that, I did NOT
Ophelia: I was deceived š
Hamlet: Girl, heterosexuality is a scam, go be a lesbian or a nun or a whore or something, why do you want to be a breeder? Also do you have any idea how much sinning I do? I am picturing so much gay sex that I literally donāt have time to do it all in one lifetime.
Hamlet: Oh shit, is your father spying on us?
Hamlet: Fuck, uhhhh ok ok ok
Hamlet: Listen girl, even if you perfectly perform societyās heterosexual bullshit, they will still talk shit about you, so just go to a nunnery/brothel/whatever, or at least donāt marry an asshole like me
Hamlet: Also since your father is listening, uhh, hereās a bunch of toxic misogynistic bullshit!! And uh, you are the reason for my (fake) madness, just like he suspected!!! Ok bye! āļø
Claudius, who was listening: Wow, I guess Hamlet doesnāt swing that way
Horatio: My dear Lord š
Hamlet: I love you so much that my (female) soul is bonded to you
Hamlet: I love how you are not passionās slave, like how could I not fall in love with you
Hamlet: ā¦I made it too gay again, didnāt I?
Hamlet: *Loudly making sex jokes about Ophelia now that theyāre in public again*
Horatio: *gets a letter* Literally nobody else would be writing to me except Hamlet
Hamlet: I need you to run to my side as fast as if you were running from death itself
Horatio: *Takes off running*
Hamlet, in private: Oh shit, Ophelia died?
Hamlet, in public: *leaps into her grave proclaiming his love for her as loudly as possible*
Hamlet: I am dead, Horatio
Horatio: And Iām like those (famously gay) ancient Romans
Horatio: *tries to drink poison after Hamlet is killed, Romeo and Juliet style*
Hamlet: *has to physically wrestle the cup out of Horatioās hands*
Hamlet: If you ever loved me, you will survive this pain for me ā¤ļø
Horatio: Now cracks a noble heart š
Horatio: Good night, sweet prince ā¤ļø
Horatio: *uses the familiar form ātheeā instead of the formal āyouā for the first time in the entire play now that thereās no point hiding it* and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø