xander

poetry ; 18

[xander4ever]

diary entry ;

PEOPLE ARE LIKING MY OLD POSTS. onces which i made about a relationship which i do still mourn

brought back.

[xander4ever]

diary entry :

i forget how many of these i make then i delete! i'm kind of admist an episode. i can't eat, sleep nor really talk to anyone without it feeling like its sucking every last bit of energy out of me.

there's so many things that i look back on and wonder. at the end of all that i have to tell myself its the past and its unchanging because......thats....just how stuff works i guess !!

i can't question someones choice or thinking but i can dream and imagine what wouldve happened.

i don't feel 'alone.' but i'm not someone who i'd say could go on without a relationship. of course, i dont relationship hop one after another. i haven't been on a date nor seen anyone like 'that.' me and a guy have been getting on very well, but that's bound to happen after i have lost two of the people who were so significant to me in just a span of months between eachother.

for awhile, i want to sleep and just think of what the actual fuck has 2026 been ? and it's not even over lmfao. i miss people, ive made bad decisions, i've accomplished things and ive been stupid. i love my bestfriend now, of course i do. i miss my old bestfriend, of course i do but that does not mean i'd trade my current bestfriend for my ex bestfriend. i dont think of anything even close to that!

i look back on pictures and videos, they'll range. smiling, laughing and being inlove and then almost puking drunk but still laughing, not inlove.

yet, i let them consume my life. they were my everything, my all and who i thought would be there over and over throughout each and every life as soulmates. obviously, you can make mistakes with who you think might be your soulmate but this time it isn't explainable. i am inlove, i'll lie and say im not but i am. it hurts saying goodbye everyday just to tell myself to move on.

i still have the bracelets and all of our matching stuff. i dont know if to throw it away or to keep ahold and cry everytime j see them. i wonder what you did with the photos, the printed ones. i'm assuming they were thrown out. it makes me sad thinking that its all over now, no snoring or cigarette smell. no laughing, bickering, arguing or begging to play games. no more skiving at work or watching you come home.

one day, this hole in my heart is going to kill me. i know that's edgy and cringy to say it's just an overwhelming guilt, it eats at me. i want to lay down in a field for awhile undisturbed, just to think. give me a blanket and a pillow , maybe a mattress if im lucky. amongst peonies would be nice

you preferred the colour purple though

[xander4ever]

i know we arent talking

but i'm still mourning you , i know you aren't dead

but i've still lost you

[xander4ever]

mood swings , atleast youre still here

that brings me comfort

[xander4ever]

it's scary, i'm hatefully inlove

maybe it's anger or resentment but theres sure love, love in my heart

you are difficult yet easy to love, yet i'm the fool for not knowing how to quit you

you are my recurring thought, my biggest pain

i am the biggest loser, the biggest failure to moving on.

you'll forget my face or maybe even my 'funny accent' and to be honest, i forgot yours

it's all radio silence aside for the blistering hate in my heart i hold

maybe someday, one day, i'll be able to let go of this loathing feeling.

everything will disappear someday

there will be a house, bustling and bright as the city clashes with your burnout

you will have a beautiful life, full of succession and joy. something i saw with you

there will be a house, quiet and dull as the waves crash on the countryside

it's painfully silent, there is nothing but natural beauty, there is no meaning but a view. something that will become of me

we won't say good morning anymore, we will forget the nicknames we enjoyed

we will see other couples and think of how we were

battle the bereavement of the relationship until it swallows everything i love and own, including myself

maybe it's love or a sense of hope, dragging me along sharp glass shattered tiles

you are beautiful and pure, an angel upon this earth.

you are my biggest light, my model and my earth.

i am a loser, nothing but bones.

but there will be a house, beautiful and silent.

no one is home, no one will ever be home

but even as time passes, the beauty remains and we will forget it is there until next time.

i still love that house, i visit everyday

[xander4ever]

i'm scared to move on,

scared to love anyone but you

i know you've moved on, replaced the empty space i left

proud to love anyone but me

[xander4ever]

i dont know why you're so difficult to decipher now

but i like it because i can live with ignorance towards it.

[xander4ever]

i killed myself,

then rebirthed to show you what i truly am

[xander4ever]

i would fight against rapid streams just to see you again

i would hike blisteringly cold summits just to hold you again

i would wander aimlessly through scorching deserts just to hear you again

i would forever walk bare-foot through rough gravely forests just to feel you again

i would set off to the arctic with no equipment just to experience you again

i would fight never-ending wars just to kiss you, just to love you and just to help you.

i'm sorry i can't.

[xander4ever]

my worst trait is now that i love you, i cannot stop

i cannot stop that feeling in my heart

but i won't call and i wont check on you.

because by now, i've forgotten what your face looks like and what your voice sounds like.

how it sounded when you were tired, how your laughter sounded and how every good moment pieced together.

was it too much to ask for?

[xander4ever]

similar to a pomegranate, you explode with little encouragement. with little pressure. i get my hands dirty just to see and taste what youre really like.

underneath those thick walls youre sweet, yet that doesnt eliminate the hard seed of your anger.

i love the explosive sweetness, i spit out the core. for how much longer must i carve into you and pull you open just to see a person i have grown to hate.

for you were once something i loved, now something i feel sick of and tired, but maybe, in my core there is still some love left.

just not love for myself, for i am an orange. sweet and occasionally sour.

you will tear my layers off with haste, ripping them with brute hands. and even after that, my thin white veins are torn and discarded.

you pick me apart and deem some parts unworthy but even if you didn't i'd still taste the same.

until the day comes that you pick me, cherish me softly and choose to plant the seed with me i will be stuck waiting. like a mistake batch.

[xander4ever]

i miss you a little more when my glass is empty

when the blanket isnt keeping me warm anymore

and when the night is quiet

[xander4ever]

i'm loved like alcohol

nobody has me for me, but purely for the experience

i can be bitter, sour or if you're lucky, then sweet.

but even then, its diluted with whatever they choose.

but even then, its the aftermath they cannot handle

i'm loved like alcohol, nobody can keep me around for too long.

i'm always surrounded by other kinds just so they have a little choice incase they don't want me one day

i miss you,

im drinking alcohol tonight

[xander4ever]

i know you know i still love you

and by god i wish i knew how to quit you

[xander4ever]

i still think about you holding me

do you think about that too?

[xander4ever]

i hope youre okay, i won't call

i hope university is going smoothly, i wont call

i hope they suit you better than i did, i wont call

i hope you still think of me when you see that flower, i wont call

i still think about you, i want to call

[xander4ever]

i miss you

i wish you were here

i want to heal with you