Just existing I guess...

Probably post dumb memes or sad stuff. Idk, maybe vent to no one while I'm here too.

[xblade13710x]

Why would you say you want something more, get my hopes up, then walk it back... Encouraging more attachment just to peel it all apart. I'm afraid I may relapse at this point...

[xblade13710x]

I just feel very alone. My anxiousness is eating me up and I can't say anything or I will just push everyone away...

[xblade13710x]

My life is a mess. I don't know where to go to fix it.

[xblade13710x]

How can someone say they hate you, then play the victim and say they want you to care about them?...

[xblade13710x]

I'm on a DnD cabin trip, sitting in a hot tub by myself, drinking a bottle of wine at 3am, wishing I wasn't here...

[xblade13710x]

Update. Blood clots all over my lungs, heart strain, lung infarction, etc all during Thanksgiving week

30k bill w no insurance.

Dad had emergency surgery 2 days ago and will take a month to recover.

Life sucks

[xblade13710x]

I take one step forward and 89 steps back. I just don't understand wtf is happening, why it happens to me, and why I can't just stay on fucking track for more than a week. I lose motivation to keep going every fucking day. It hasn't been this bad in about 4 years, when I attempted 5 times and went to the hospital twice. But I can't make the same mistakes like telling ppl. All it does is drive them away, and then I feel even worse. I wish I could leave and let life go on without me...

[nothingbutloveforyou]

just want someone who wants me too

[xblade13710x]

Was less sad this week cause I got to see my favorite band. But was kind nda sad on the ride home cause I had to go alone. Still was an awesome time, but it's bittersweet cause I didnt have anyone to enjoy it with me.

[xblade13710x]

I turned 29 two days ago. Im just on autopilot. Existing yet feeling alone and like Im not good enough. I mean I guess I don't feel as bad as when I tried to kms the day before I turned 25, but I definitely don't see or feel improved from back then...

[xblade13710x]

Hoping I don't faint tomorrow. I ate pretty poorly today, buy I went golfing and on a 3 mile walk so, it's something 🤷‍♂️

[xblade13710x]

Oh, and for Independence day, I was invited to a pool party w my ex, and we were having a great time. I thought we were reconnecting and finding comfort in each other's company, until she basically said she's trying to fuck a guy at the party (only like 10 ppl). If you know our history, and are acting interested in me, just to then get fucked up and sleep w someone, why would you even invite me? I feel extremely used, because it's always someone needing me to get through stuff, and then leaving me behind, or tossing me aside. They only talk or care when it's convenient for them... It genuinely just makes me feel like an old broken toy that no one wants. Don't I have genuine value? Don't I mean something? Why does no one want me, or even want to be a good friend to me? It just make me feel so low and alone. I deserve to be happy but nobody stays around...

[xblade13710x]

My best friend called me crying, I tried to give safe and smart advice to lead them to calm down and make good decisions, but instead haven't talked to me in 3 days. They are painting me as evil or mean when I'm not judging, nor am I disagreeing w what they told me. I've been anxious ever since and continuing to just force myself to not eat. It's hard...

[xblade13710x]

I kissed/cuddled overnight my ex, got blackout at a party, been starving myself for my diet, and now one of my best friends, who I guess you could say I have a crush on, is mad at me for giving good advice. Why do I overly care about others that it makes me crazy? So now I've been laying in bed for 3 hours, anxiety racking my brain, and I just can't fucking sleep. God I'm such a fuck up...

[xblade13710x]

I have been so fucking busy I hate it.

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I haven't posted in a while. Been too busy to breathe. I'm struggling, but I'm on autopilot right now, and it won't let me stop.

[xblade13710x]

It's a cycle. I have a good day, something happens during that day, and I immediately hide my mood about it. Then, when I'm alone, it takes over. I stare at a blank wall or my ceiling or a computer screen with no one to talk to or be around or feel safe with... No one wants damaged goods. I'm not good enough.