Me at 3 AM, horny as hell, scrolling through my likes looking for that one fanfic i read months ago
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Me at 3 AM, horny as hell, scrolling through my likes looking for that one fanfic i read months ago
Ok, I need professional help.
I need Tumblr and AO3 detectives to aid me in finding a fic that I read YEARSSSS ago and that I keep thinking of now. There have been a few different occasions where I have thought of this author and gone on an extended search but came up with nothing - mostly because I only remember parts of the storyline 😅
So, the story is about a man who lives in a house that has a large lake (I think he may inherit it or something). Somehow he runs into/finds a merman that he moves(?) to the lake, where there is a little boat house that the man sometimes hangs out in. I can't remember how the merman comes into the story, but he's there lol.
There is a lot of stuff that happens that I don't remember exactly, just that it was really good - BUT the guy's crappy boss shows up and the merman kills him? And the body is taken into the lake to hide it. Well, the cops show up and want to search the lake (which is obviously a problem). The man makes the merman into the bathtub in the main house while the lake is being searched.
Shockingly, no body is recovered! Instead, a large chest of treasure is found and the guy is able to live happily ever after with his fish-man. It's explained that there's a portal at the bottom of the lake that connects to other bodies of water, which the merman can navigate apparently.
I feel like I'm going crazy, I can't find this anywhere 😅 However I guess that should be expected since I can't remember any of the author or title information.
Any help is appreciated!
the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.
This is how I wanted to lose my virginity
I’ll have whatever the fuck they have going on here 🫠
Pussy Portal Pt. 3
Another one! This time with an Orc.
Part 1
Part 2
I'm gonna work on formatting these to look nicer in the next few days, in the mean time. . .
18+ Smut below the cut
thank you Canada 🇨🇦
FUCK YEAH GO CANADA!!!
REBLOG TO LITERALLY SAVE A LIFE
Never even THOUGHT about opening ChatGPT
down the hatch
141 x f!reader | ongoing
you thought your life was over when your psycho, end-of-days conspiracy theorist austrian neighbor kidnapped you. the guy barely spoke a word when he shoved you into his fancy, decked out underground bunker. he mumbled something about last minute supplies, locked the door, then left. three months later, four commando-type dudes find the hatch.
irreverent. dumb. horny. these were the ingredients chosen to write this shit.
also on AO3
part one part two part three part four part five part six
the long awaited sequel
bro your whimsy. you forgot your fucking whimsy. your solemn and somber attitude is scaring the hoes
You're just a mammal. Let yourself act like it. Your brain needs enrichment. Your body needs rest. You feel hunger and grow hair. You need to pack bond with other sentient things so you don't become unsocialized and neurotic. You are biologically inclined to seek dopamine and become sick when chronically stressed. "Hedonism" is made up to place moral value on taking pleasure in sensory experiences. I am telling you that if you don't let yourself be a fucking mammal, as you were made, you will suffer and go insane. No grindset no diets no trying to be above your drive for connection. Pursue what makes you feel good and practice radial rejection of the constructs meant to turn you into a machine. You're a mammal.
I am so serious about the way people are taught to view themselves as separate from and above any other animal being the root cause of a lot of problems. You're not better than a beast.
This post has really made the rounds so I have to say - this mentality changed me overnight. I had this realization that all of the fumbling over self love I did for years just needed... this. Once I internalized that I'm just a creature, it got so much easier to take care of myself.
I've started treating myself like I would a dog that's going to chew through the house when it's bored. I walk myself. I seek activities that make my brain feel less like depressed sludge. I ask my body what it needs; I rest, I enjoy rest. I don't see it as a waste or unproductive. I see it as allowing my body to do its job of working better. I lean into appreciating my natural features. I'm a hunk of flesh. I can be ugly. I can decide that ugly is appealing. I can not care. Whatever. I started emphasizing little things that nourish my relationship(s), shelving distractions more, so I can relish the time I have with loved ones. I specifically pursue pleasure--dopamine--not just quick hits from scrolling social media but getting off my ass. Engaging. Cooking myself nice meals and making fucking art, man. Things that make my spirit feel more alive than I have for years. I ask myself what it is I want rather than only doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And it doesn't mean shirk every responsibility, it means recognizing you're one of your fucking responsibilities. It's reordering. I realized I'm going to die happy or unhappy and either way I'm just as dead in a given amount of years, and I choose to die happy and fulfilled.
Everything else can get fucked ad infinitum.
Call me a hedonist, I'm saving my own life.
"use chatgpt" that's the devil talking. buy four caffeinated drinks and pull an all nighter. this is the way.
Do you like enemies to lovers because it’s hot or do you like enemies to lovers because you think of yourself as unlovable & unworthy of love and therefore like the idea of someone seeing all the worst in you right away and still falling in love with you anyways
PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 (NSFW) - PART 4 - PART 5 (NSFW)
Your family did fine. You were more comfortable than some, but not so comfortable that you could sit idle. The crops had started to bud, and the shop was filled with all manner of pickled vegetables, fresh eggs, and flowers. You counted the coppers and silvers in the little lock box under the counter. Business was the same as usual, but your brow still furrowed.
Mother was getting tired. The decades of tilling, sowing, reaping, and harvesting had started to toll on her. Especially after your father left. The bastard. Your mother labored at home with an aching back and bad knees. Before long the crops would flourish and need tending. It was more than enough work for two, unfathomable for just you alone.
Jeering came from outside the shop. A band of orc hunters with their catches. They were a threatening bunch. Hard and strong. One orc could have the strength of two men. In the great cities they faced more discrimination, but out here someone either hunted for their meat, or payed other people to do the hunting for them. And the orcs… they were masterful at what they did. And so they were welcomed.
The rusted hinges of your shop door creaked. “Did you miss me?”
Any desire to feign positivity drained from your person. You didn’t even try to hide the sour look on your face. Milo was a repugnant leech that had been stalking your family for years. He had tried courting each one of your elder sisters, losing them each time to men better than him. And now you were the last sister on the list. Unmarried. And running out of time. The latter fact he was quite aware of.
”How is Celina?” You never liked how he called your mother by her first name. It was too familiar. You don’t bother to look up from your coin counting. “My Mother’s wellbeing is none of your concern.” Milo sauntered up to the counter, “y/n-“
You slammed your fist, sending a few coins into the air. “When will you get the idea that my family wants nothing to do with you?” You still couldn’t look him in the eye. He sighed, picking up one of the coppers from the floor, “You would rather your mother toil in the field? You would rather surrender yourself to the life of a shopkeep? It’s a waste.”
You had no answer for him. Because he was right to question your choices. Yes you truly enjoyed running the family shop, but you couldn’t possibly keep this up for long without your mother. She deserved peace and rest. But he was just… a nuisance at best. Frightening at worst. His family owned half the town, and how easy it would be for them to blacklist you and your mother from ever doing business in their marketplace again.
”Anyways…” He dropped the coin down onto your counter with a clank, “Winter will come. And will you be prepared? If your mother cannot help you work the fields…”
”Are you trying to give me an ultimatum?” You had pushed the idea of next winter out of your head the second the ice started to melt. But he was right, what would you do? He didn’t entertain your question with a response. No… it wasn’t an ultimatum. It was a threat. A threat that when winter came you would get what was coming to you. He made his way out the door, the rusty hinges screeching. “You should really fix that.” He gave a nasty grin and let the door slam behind him.
You pushed all the thoughts of worry from your head. It was something you had grown skilled at doing. Gods be damned if you let him spoil such a lovely morning. You threw the windows of the shop open, arranging bouquets from your flower garden for the street to see.
At night when you and your mother pray over dinner, you beg anyone listening for an eternal spring.
~
Two weeks pass uneventfully. You sell many bouquets of flowers to well-to-do ladies, and your mother’s special pickled red onions fly off the shelves as usual. In the early morning you sit counting your coins, listening to the soft bustling of the market just beginning to wake up.
”You know you can pickle these eggs right?”
You keep your eyes trained on the coins, trying not to lose count. There is a long pause, but you can tell the man hasn’t walked away, “We don’t sell any here.”
“You should.” You raise your head to cock an eyebrow at him. You try to stifle a gasp from your chest. An orc man with olive green skin is leaned slightly through the window of your shop. You had never had an orc approach your little shop. They always had bigger and better things to sell and buy.
”We don’t sell those here.” A more rational person would have thought twice before talking back to an orc hunter. But you were tired of men questioning you. A young lady entered the shop, eyeing the orc man still leaning on your window sill. The door squealed unpleasantly, cutting through the tension like a knife. “Fine,” The orc smirked and shrugged, exiting your window.
~
The next day, there was a basket waiting for you on your shop’s doorstep. You groan. This wouldn’t be the first time Milo left gifts for you to find. You take a peek into the bracket and… what was this? Spices? Salt? Garlic cloves? Underneath the goods were two silver coins.
You yelped at the sound of fingers rapping against the window pane. You reeled around expecting Milo. But… it was the orc man. The orc man from the day before. He pointed at the little latch holding the window closed. You were sure he could punch his way right through the window if he really wanted in. “I don’t want any trouble!” You yelled at him through the window.
Another smirk crept onto his face, “I bring no trouble with me, Miss. I just thought you might like a chance to make some more coin.”
What this lecherous orc seriously propositioning you for pay? Before he could say another thing, you hurled an egg at him. You hoped it would have just broken against the window to frighten him off. But to your horror it crashed through the glass, making a direct impact with his face. “Fuck!” You heard him fall on his ass in the street.
You rushed to the window. The orc was splayed out on the cobblestones, his forehead bleeding from the broken glass. He lay motionless, and you started to panic. Oh Gods. Oh Gods no. You just assaulted an orc. A big strong orc man who kills things for his living. Not even Milo or his family’s status could protect you from the wrath of an angry orc. You threw open the screeching rusted front door. Oh gods he was huge. He knew where you worked. He could follow you home. What if he brought his fellow huntsmen with him? What if they hurt your mother as well?
You couldn’t stop any of the thoughts racing through your head. You were worried about making it through winter… now you might not even make it through the summer. You bit down on your fist, trying to keep composure.
”Got a hell of an arm…” The orc grunted, pulling you out of your trance. He sat himself up, bringing his fingers to the drops of blood running down his temple. “Ha!” He guffawed and made his way to stand up.
”Please… please.” You weren’t sure if you were praying to a high power or pleading to him. His eyes met yours but there was no rage, or fury. There was a look of annoyance, maybe a bit of mild amusement. Rubbing his hand over the back of his neck he said, “Miss. I only meant… you should make pickled eggs. There are a lot of orc boys out here far from the motherland. They would pay a premium for a taste of home.”
You were nearly speechless, “I- I don’t know how orcs prefer their pickled eggs-
“That basket has everything you need.”
“Oh… okay. Very well. Sir.” Your voice wavered and he could see how clearly frightened you were.
The orc groaned, wiping more blood off his face. “Sorry about this. See you around.” You hoped that wasn’t a threat, but with that he jogged his way down the street.
Blasted pickled eggs.