X chronicles @xchronicles - Tumblr Blog

Hey, don't cry, okay? Janeway with big fucking gun

sea, swallow me

I miss the time when I had the urge to create and engage in discussions with people on here. I miss the time when we were a team at my job and when people cared. I miss the time when what I was doing here was fueling my creativity back at work.

Engaging with Star Trek: Prodigy, its community and Aaron Waltke made me pick up books and want to know more. Creators engaging with fans can do wonders for motivation and I'll always be thankful for that. I was so full of curiosity, hungry for knowledge and felt the need to create.

But then layoffs started happening. Every few months, I'd experience a new heartbreak. People get ripped away from you the same day, but you're expected to go on as if nothing happened. And that slowly and steadily chipped away at my motivation until it completely robbed me of it. The people I was talking to about ideas and creativity were suddenly no longer there.

How can you be creative with the sword of Damocles hanging over your head? You need human interactions, you need meaningful conversations if you are to be creative. But suddenly, you stop and take a look around yourself and realise you are completely alone. And then you get pushed into a new environment with people who you don't know whether they'll be gone tomorrow or in a few months. There is no incentive to get to know eachother. "Soulless" little windows in your screen you click away the moment the hardstop hits. How convenient.

God knows I've been frustrated with J/C, but it was an incredibly fun creative outlet. Despite my frustrations, I had so much fun engaging with the fix it ideas.

But now, I just don't care anymore. I want to care, but the real world has won. I am watching myself become a worse, bitter version of myself every day. I'm angry, I drink, I locked myself away from everyone. The brainrot is winning. The real world evil is winning.

I just don't care about anything anymore and it feels horrible.

#personal #star trek prodigy #creativity

insanewaykathy

Jealousy, Commander?

xchronicles

Kashyk is in his spot lmao he so mad

a-n-t-s

X-files.

insanewaykathy

Everyone looking up to see something super interesting that could possibly take them back to the Alpha Quadrant. Chakotay:

toboddly

yk janeway and chakotay truly make me insane bc whilst chakotay is finding a new sense of purpose and inner peace and working thru his trauma and anger that he's been haunted by literally his whole life, janeway is slowly but surely feeling her identity being chipped away as she grapples with upholding her ideals and morals in the face of the reality of voyager's situation as well as trying to retain who she is outside of her captaincy even as she clings to it as the last vestige of protection against the sheer weight of her duty of care and the responsibility of 150 lives that she holds. and also they want to make out constantly. absolutely insane command duo.

tidesofsilence

This is exactly why they work for me, because they’re not just “opposites” or “slow burn” or whatever label people throw at them. They’re literally moving in opposite directions as people.

Chakotay is healing. He’s learning how to let go of anger, finding purpose again, becoming more grounded in himself.

Janeway is doing the opposite. She’s losing pieces of herself to command, to responsibility, to the weight of keeping everyone alive. She’s holding onto being “captain” because if she lets that go, there’s nothing protecting her from everything she’s carrying.

And the wild part is that they see this in each other.

Chakotay sees the person underneath the captain, even when she won’t let anyone else. And Janeway sees the man he’s becoming, even when he doesn’t fully trust it yet.

So it’s not just tension for the sake of tension. It’s two people who understand each other in a way that’s almost dangerous, because if they actually let that wall down, it changes everything about how they function.

And yeah, the fact that they manage to keep it together professionally while clearly wanting more? Is insane. Truly one of the most unwell command dynamics ever written. But, so very beautiful!

harrykim

Star Trek: Voyager 03.11 The Q and the Grey

xchronicles

Kathryn "my fiancé Mark who?" Janeway

montereygay-ao3

pretty boy

montereygay-ao3

pretty boy

lesvegas

A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.

I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.