RED CRAYON @xcrayxcrimson - Tumblr Blog

Digital journal entry for March.

Japan travel diaries: Osaka, Kyoto, Mt. Fuji, Tokyo

Digital journal entry for January.

Iloilo-Bacolod Trip

Starting my monthly digital journal and will be posting it here.

Life update: Met someone new and I finally moved on from Daryl..

God rest my soul/I miss who I used to be/The tomb won't close/Stained glass windows in my mind/I regret you all the time/I can't let this go/I fight with you in my sleep/The wound won't close/I keep on waiting for a sign/I regret you all the time.

April 14, 2022: My 2nd Life Reflections

This was supposed to be an unplanned roadtrip with my friends going to the new coffee shop of our classmates. We were happily driving going to Claveria which felt like a long drive. When we reached the supposed landmark, we made a wrong turn to the pineapple fields so we went back to the way and asked around. As we drove to the right road, I suddenly felt my wheel at the right side fell off the edge of the road and heard the scratch of the cement under my car so I tried to pull back but I lost control of the steering wheel and the brakes, the car swerved to the other lane and the next thing I knew was that I hit the tree, there was smoke infront of me, the airbag exploded and my friends were injured. I was in a state of shock the whole time and silently panicking. Ria had backache, could hardly move and a scratch at her neck due to the seat belt. Suki, was on the front seat and was not wearing seatbelt. She got bruises on her shoulder and lacerations on her thighs. All of us at a state of shock. Our supposed road trip turned to an accident. Luckily, the people around help us and called for emergency for first aid then we were transported to Maria Reyna Xavier University hospital for further management wherein our xray results appeared normal.

That moment, I really don't know what to feel. If I should be happy because I was alive or angry/disappointed because I did not die at that moment. For a person with Major Depressive Disorder, I really don't know what to feel. I feel lost, confused, guilty, scared, etc. Super mixed emotions.

I know I still got that 1% faith in Him. Does God really exist? Did He just saved me from that accident? This second life of mine the day after my birthday, is this the sign I've been asking for? The sign He still has plans for me and is still there for me after making me feel abandoned eversince I passed the board exam.

God left me in the lowest point if my life. He took away my career, and most importantly He took away Daryl, the only man I loved and kept praying and waiting for eversince. Because of these tragic eevents I got depressed and the only thing I can think of is death. I want to die and end this.

I felt that no one loves me or want me. That I'm always the last option when there is no one left. I was never the first choice nor the one who stands out in a crowd. I'm such a mediocre and invisible person. I'm too introvert. Still lost on who I really am. I don't know myself anymore.

My parents even though they show that they care, I really can't feel it. I still feel neglected and the don't even dare to understand my situation. I just fekt that they are obliged to come and visit me because of the accident and the damaged car.

My father, I really can't understand why he is too selfish with his money. The only thing I asked is to help me get the car fixed and to help me financially. Of course, I will really pay him back when I am financially stable. How could he be so selfish with his own daughter who really needs help at the moment. Why is it so hard for him to share his money? Why always put the burden on me and mama? I really don't understand. That car was my only saving grace from my depression. Why is he hesitant for repairing the car?

I often think that it's better off if I died in that accident. I really don't know.

My Last Confession To You

We knew each other for twelve years

You were there in my joy and tears

I fell so hardly in love with you

Ever since the day I first saw you

College days was quite a ride

Even if we were not always by each others side

But we would cheer up each other nevertheless

Admiring you even from afar was effortless

I loved your character, your mind, your friendship

But was too scared to tell you my real feelings

The only important thing to me is our relationship

But even love and frienships have their endings.

I love you more than anything else in this world

You are my sun, moon, stars, my universe

But to you, I'm just your friend

Am I really just a friend to you?

We came up to an agreement

Friends with benefits as you said

Thinking that in this way you'll also fall for me

But sad to say I failed.

I still love you though

Even if you keep on pushing me away

Treating me like trash and gotten cold

But I kept on going on anyway

You never appreciated the special things I did

I was always there when you need me

But still, you kept your distance

Like I was just nothing to you

I wanted to confront you

You said you hated the drama

Maybe I asked for too much?

You never gave me the answer I longed for.

I never stopped loving you

Even though the whole world is against it

The universe was never on my side

My feelings for you still persisted

I hate myself for loving you, wanting you, and missing you

I hate that unrequited love you have for me

I hate that I love you so much

That it drives me crazy

When will you ever love me?

Appreciate the things I do for you?

When will you ever be mine?

You are too unreachable to me.

I kept on praying to God

That somehow, someday, He will give you to me

I prayed and I prayed, cried and cried

Begged to God for you to be mine.

My prayers were still unanswered

I lost my faith in everything

Abandonment and loneliness crept in

What have I done in the past to deserve this?

Loving you is like a living hell

Is it time to give it all up as well?

Begging for your love is my last resort

Trying to forget you is for my sanity and dignity.

What will I do?

To love you and be miserable for eternity?

To forget you and be sane?

Or to still hope for the impossible?

I LOVE YOU DARYL MENDOZA ESQUERA!

And this is my last shot

My last time of saying this

I hope there will be no regrets both sides.

Good bye.

xcrayxcrimson

Strings of My Sanity

Cruelty of the world had cost

My ray of sunshine to be lost

All in inside me is broken,

My confidence is now forsaken.

The melody once filled with joy,

Now an elegy poured with sorrow

I had just been played like a toy

I don’t know if I can live tomorrow

Traitors come in the form of sheeps

And strikes you while you’re asleep.

People can be as greedy as hell,

Gets all the credit for themselves.

The strings of my sanity is like a violin

Each produces music from within

The strokes of the bow are experiences

Backs and forths the tune took places

One by one, the strings suddenly broke

Just because of those harsh strokes

You realized your sanity is taken

After that last string got broken

You know that you can’t take it anymore

But no one will believe you of course

They’ll pull you down and break you up

Until you will choose to give up

You had enough you told yourself

You’re just an empty shelf

And you would choose to take your life away

Because the more you suffer if you stay

People just do not understand

The pain that you cannot withstand

What did I do to deserve this?

I just want to end this.

Will these strings of my sanity ever be fixed?

Will I ever find a reason to live?

You’re a mess and useless

So it’s better to be left lifeless.

My future husband. My one and only love. 😍😍

Mirror selfie

Vitamin Sea: The Quick Escape

November be good to me.

Coffee and a view

October 5th and I miss you.

Happy Birthday to the man who owns my heart. I love you so much Daryl!!You'll always be my Perfect.Sunday..😍😍🥰🥰💕💕😘😘

Breather for the weekend

One day, I'll marry you Daryl Mendoza Esquera. Cutie.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

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