C oming • C lean ....

- Process of Healing 💔 👭🌈

[xdearalicia]

Wish I could unlearn all of the best things about you

Maybe that’ll make it easier for me to be okay.

[xdearalicia]

All these years…

In all these years, every time you chose to distance yourself from me, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. And I questioned my worth. And I feared you’d leave because I wasn’t enough. I’ve always known that I have done my best. I’ve always given the most I had.

You didn’t.

When things get hard, you distance yourself from me. And this insecurity of yours leads you to question who I am to you. On my way home today, I thought about these last 7 years and I’ve realized how much hurt you’ve put me through. Maybe you’ve forgotten… for a long time, I’ve forgotten too but ALL these things stay with me. ALL these things made me question my worth and why I didn’t deserve the best of you.

Never once have I reached out to an ex.

I’ve never cheated.

I’ve never chosen someone over you.

I’ve never been untruthful.

I’ve never looked for what I was missing in someone else.

I’ve never given you any reason to question or doubt my love for you.

But you’ve given me every reason to question who I meant to you. I questioned my life and time that I chose to spend with you. I questioned my worth. I questioned so many parts of me, hoping I could repair our relationship if I was just enough.

& Maybe that’s why you sometimes want to let go. Maybe you fear what you could do to me again. Maybe you question yourself as my partner and you’re not confident that you can be the best partner for me. Maybe you’re right, you don’t love me the way I love you. I just wonder… for someone who has been through so much hurt and trauma, why did you become someone who inflicted hurt on me? Why did I deserve that?

Being with you has brought so many raw emotions. And today, I wonder why did we walk this path together and overcome so many hurdles and obstacles if we didn’t see a future together? I wonder why we’ve intertwined our lives, if we didn’t see a finish line? Why did we plan a future, and promise each other forever if we didn’t mean it?

I wonder why you’ve never loved me enough to put me first, and protect my heart. I always tried to protect yours. I did everything I could to protect you. But When I needed protecting, you can’t be around. When I need you, you’d rather be elsewhere.

So who will protect ME if it’s not you?

[poems-and-word]

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[xdearalicia]

A part of me wishes you could feel what I’ve felt.

But in order for me to do that, I’d have to be a terrible person, to want to break you the way you’ve broken me.

You’ve experienced it before. The deceit. The lies. The tears. Yet when you’re the one in need, you call my name. You look for me.

I’m just here at your disposal. When you find another name to call out to, you’ll walk away just like you did before.

That’s the end of it.

[xdearalicia]

I’m spiraling into a roller coaster of emotions. It’s crazy how one thing can send you back in the past as if you’re stuck in those feelings of hurt, heart break, and turmoil all over again. Like years haven’t gone by, like you’ve really never healed at all...

That’s how I feel like right now. I’ve been sobbing for hours and I haven’t found the strength to stop it. You won’t come and console me, you never run back to me, you leave me here to dry, as if you’re waiting for me to apologize to you. Like I owe you something for the pain that you’ve inflicted on me. I can’t keep taking the beating for something you haven’t learned to get over. You haven’t let your past go and that’s why it keeps resurfacing back again. And you’re excuse is, you have something to prove to yourself?

Times heals, yeah. But the wound that I have is far from healed. There’s still a gaping hole in my chest. There’s still a lot of guilt and fear that I hold inside. I try to do better.. I try to be better but sometimes I slip, I fall.. I get scared. But why? Why continue to fight for someone who cares more about keeping a friendship with their ex, then to focus on their current relationship. Why do you need to be convinced?

You see me dying inside, breaking apart, unable to even look you in the eye or even approach you and yet, you’re stuck feeling sorry for yourself because I don’t trust you being friends with your ex. I know for certain, that my feelings are absolutely valid. You’ve crossed the line when you lied and deleted your conversation messages. You broke my trust when you could decipher how deeply I disliked the idea of you being friends with your ex, you continued to follow her anyway.. and you continued to exchange a message with her anyway.

Maybe you didnt have bad intentions but to me, you disrespected our relationship the moment you decided to exchange a conversation with her. You forgot all the things you told her when I was in your arms, in your house, when we were together. You crushed me then, and it crushed me just the same now. No one is asking you to prove that you’ve changed. The only proof that I need is to be able to trust you to make decisions that benefits the both of us - to keep us both in your mind, then to act selfishly because you think you have something to prove. I don’t understand why you think the way you do... when you’re going through things, I’m 100% there and by your side. But when it’s me, I often stand alone - begging you to come comfort me. You don’t know the kind of pain I feel, you don’t care to know how it feels to be in my shoes. Yet everyday, I wake up proudly to be your partner, to stick up for you and defend you, to walk hand in hand with you as if you’ve never broke me.

[xdearalicia]

There’s a strong sense of loneliness that’s embedded inside of me. Some days I wake up and I feel great. Other days I feel worried as hell. As if I’m anticipating something bad to go wrong before I even start my day. These feelings worry me. It makes me think I have a bigger problem, in denial of its severity because I’m afraid to acknowledge it. I guess it’s part of my anxiety.

What’s crazy is, no one really understands the depth of my anxiety. Not even Alex. My family doesn’t know, and the people I meet are in denial that I have bad anxiety too. I guess I’ve learned to mask it well. But honestly, maybe I’m not truthful about how crazy my anxiety makes me feel. It sends my heart racing in random moments of the day. It makes me feel overwhelmed in public places, and overwhelmed by my surroundings very easily. I hate small spaces. I like openness... Maybe that’s because in my mind, I feel clouded by everything that’s going on in my head that I need that openness in order to feel like I’ve escaped. Am I just crazy?

[poems-and-word]

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[extramadness]

“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”

— Courtney C. Stevens (via quotemadness)

[thecalminside]

“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic success - none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here.”

— Ram Dass

[samxcamargo]

“Pay attention to your insecurities. They are not there to taunt you but to show you where to heal.”

— unknown

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

some very important life reminders to help you through your days:

“i’m taking up too much space.”

this is hard to get into your head, because it can feel like no one wants you around. you are not a waste of space and you are not taking up too much space. you are a person, and people know that. we are so focused on ourselves in different ways. for you, you might worry you’re annoying people with your presence. but for them, they don’t think much of it because they know you’re a person who will take up as much space as needed.

“crying is a weakness.”

some kids are raised to think it’s not okay to cry. which is crazy because it’s a normal bodily thing to release emotions. don’t feel bad for crying. do it. cry. let it out. no one has a right to judge your feelings or your tears. we all have those days that are overwhelming and call for a good cry.

“i’ll never be enough.”

you will always be enough for the right people. you will always be enough in general but some people won’t appreciate that and that’s on them. you are you. you are you doing your best. don’t let anyone, and i mean anyone, take that away from you.

“my friends treat me like a therapist and i need boundaries.”

it feels great to be trusted enough that your friends confide in you, but it’s okay to be honest with them when they’re asking for too much. you can’t replace a professional who is trained to help with mental illness and shouldn’t be held to that expectation. let them know that you have to take care of yourself too.

“i always drive people away.”

people will come and go no matter how much we want them to stay. sometimes they’re not the right people for you, especially if they make you feel like it’s always your fault. if being yourself drives them away, you dodged a bullet. but it’s okay if it takes you time to come to terms with that. it’s easy to blame yourself for people not staying, but try to slowly learn not to.

“i don’t know how to live with myself.”

learning to live happily with yourself takes so much time and patience. start with a little time. get to know yourself apart from other people. understand it will be frustrating. do things for yourself you normally wouldn’t think you deserve. the time will come when you realize it’s not so bad.

“i need help but feel like a burden for asking.”

everyone needs help sometimes. that does not make you a burden. it does not make you weak. the people who love you are more than willing to help especially if it means you don’t drown in the things you have to handle. reach out. don’t fear coming off as annoying. people can be more understanding than we think.

“i’ve been told i have an annoying personality.”

first i want to say you do not need to change yourself to make other people like you. their perception of you is theirs and it doesn’t define you. the opinions you should actually listen to will come from those who know you and love you because they know you.

“if someone doesn’t like me back i feel like it’s my fault or there’s something wrong with me.”

we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. and we can’t choose who we like. there’s nothing wrong with you, and how they feel about you is out of your control. it’s out of their control. you deserve someone who accepts you as you are. you deserve to know that there are people out there who will fall in love with you as you are. rejection, unfortunately, will happen a lot in life. it’s not your fault. it’s a part of being a person with your own personality.

“i do everything wrong.”

everyone makes mistakes but they don’t define us. it may feel like you’re always messing up, but what it really means if that you’re learning and growing. you do a lot of things right that you don’t think outweigh what you do “wrong”. but you’ll do good things and make mistakes too. the presence of one does not mean the absence of the other.

“i feel useless if i’m not helping my friends.”

we all play a part in other people’s lives, but the most important part is the one you play in your own life. your value does not equate to how much you do for others. it’s wonderful you can be the kind of friend they rely on but you can’t realistically put all the pressure on being only that friend. i’m sure your friends will love you no matter how you contribute to their lives.

[the-suicide-effect]

“And someday I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful”

—