‘ spoiler alert: it’s probably aliens. ’
‘ bad idea. ’
‘ i’m considering him a suspect. ’
‘ i’m considering him a suspect. her son’s feeding her sedatives. yeah, he was like, ‘go on mother, eat these pills.’ ’
‘ you just made this go so much more dark than it needed to be. ’
‘ well, i just don’t trust this boy. ’
‘ yeah, have some pills, smoke this cigarette. goodnight. ’
‘ this is a very irresponsible landlady. if your tenant’s apartments smell like smoke, maybe check in on ‘em. ’
‘ if your tenant’s apartments smell like smoke, maybe check in on ‘em. ’
‘ this is gonna get a little morbid, but who’s to say that a burning body doesn’t small like barbecue? ’
‘ no, of course it doesn’t make sense, it’s weird! ’
‘ has any skull shrunk at any other point in history? ’
‘ now you’re acting like a detective and not like a jackass. ’
‘ you don’t think it’s weird that all of her was gone except for a skull, parts of the spine, and a fucking foot that was still completely intact like nothing happened? ’
‘ i bet if george clooney was on the tonight show and you set him on fire, one of his feet would burn, and the other one would probably still be planted there on the floor in a very nice shoe. clooney’s flammable. ’
‘ clooney is probably flammable, you’re probably right. ’
‘ so, a fire that was too hot for firemen did not damage her apartment? ’
‘ too much fire here. what do i look like, a fireman? ’
‘ soot and a foot. that’s all they got, huh? soot, foot, and a cup skull. ’
‘ that’s a bizarro version of a dr. seuss book right there. ’
‘ the foot did not catch on fire… one of ‘em anyway. that other one? phew. donezo. ’
‘ the first theory… is ridiculous. i’m just gonna say that right now, it’s ridiculous. ’
‘ i don’t trust anyone who says, ‘it seen it happen.’ that sounds like a country bumpkin if i’ve ever heard one. ’
‘ it seen it! i seen it with my own two eyes! ’
‘ i seen it happen while i was playing my banjo! ’
‘ yeah– well, okay… keep going. ’
‘ can you imagine just being out, having a good night with your pals, drinkin’? and you know, toward the end of the night when you’re like, ‘yeah, what a fun night this has been,’ can you imagine just exploding? just catching on fire. all your pals would be like, ‘huh?’ not a good night. for him or his friends. ’
‘ is it very european to burst into flames? ’
‘ put that pen down. you look like a jackass. ’
‘ a lot of people explodin’ in europe. something you might wanna look into. this runs deep. ’
‘ when i think spontaneous combustion, i think, like, ‘bam!’ like a popped balloon, just shards of person just exploding. ’
‘ that asshole in fantastic four? what do you have against him? ’
‘ if my clothes are on fire i’ll do a little dance to try and get ‘em out, stop, drop, and roll, what have ya. ’
‘ maybe she just passed out or died or something. ’
‘ i’ve never had a doctor speak to me like that. i would love it if i showed up and a doctor just started unraveling strange little tales. ’
‘ the answer could lie with extraterrestrial origin. ’
‘ what if aliens just get drunk and fly around the universe and shrink people’s skulls and turn them into little piles of ash? ’
‘ i can see how aliens would be involved in kind of like shenanigans and be hooligans. ’
‘ i don’t even smoke, but i would love to have one last cig before i go. ’
‘ this is a weird case! this is just sinking in! what are we doing here?! ’
‘ what if we’re just lab rats to these aliens? ’
‘ they’re gonna shrink her into a little tiny titty. ’
‘ no… no. what’s the matter with you? ’
‘ if you used voodoo for evil, you would kill me!? you would murder me?! ’
‘ it’s a hypothetical, i wasn’t thinking of doing that. ’
‘ sometimes we argue, but i don’t want to murder you. ’
‘ i never said i wanted to murder you! ’
‘ you wanna kill me! ’
‘ this is a hypothetical situation! ’
‘ alright, yeah, no. continue to tell me about it now that i know you want me dead. ’
‘ i think you might intellectualize too much. ’
‘ so this is kind of a night out… with spirits. ’
‘ wha– you look so scared already. ’
‘ i do find that more compelling than any of the other dumb ‘evidence’ you’ve dug up. ’
‘ any time i can get you to do that shrug, it means i make a great point. it’s a great point. it makes me heart warm. ’
‘ i’m gonna buy you one of those haunted dolls for christmas. ’
‘ put away your fear and just focus on what you feel. ’
‘ i’m bad at feeling. i really wanna believe in something outside the norms of, you know, physics. ’
‘ i took an improv comedy class once because… well, i’m a white guy. ’
‘ so, the takeaway here is… every little sound is a ghost? ’
‘ the takeaway here is that sounds that don’t belong in that environment may or may not be ghosts. ’
‘ my jacket just moved in a way that it felt like somebody touched me on the shoulder and i think if you had felt it, you would scream. ’
‘ wait, what? that was never part of the bargain. ’
‘ a lot of times i just do these because i know you’ll hate it. ’
‘ i feel like i’m gonna fucking cry. ’
‘ i don’t wanna talk about it. i wanna leave. ’
‘ i think you need to learn how to shut the hell up. ’
‘ i think you need to learn how to shut the fuck up… i stepped it up with the bigger curse word there. ’
‘ i’m not even trying to be a jerk about this, i’m just getting tired of you asking me if i get scared about things i don’t believe in. ’
‘ it’s like asking me if i’m concerned that, when i fall asleep, the moon turns around and winks at me with a big, evil face and has a boner or something. ’
‘ tell me what’s more probable: the moon having a boner or a ghost being real. ’
‘ the dark side of the moon just has a giant, dusty boner. that’s about as real as ghosts. ’
‘ now we’re heading into the belly of the beast. ’
‘ i’m excited. this is maybe he only time i believe in what you’re talking about. ’
‘ bigfoot’s meat and bone. ’
‘ no, that’s dumb. it’s not supernatural, it’s natural. ’
‘ this is the heaviest sandwich i’ve ever embraced. ’
‘ my organ’s are starting to shut down. i’ll be dead in five minutes. i think i might need to go to the hospital. ’
‘ could you imagine being the guy who coined the phrase ‘bigfoot’? ’
‘ ain’t that like a couple of funny brothers… destroying their father’s legacy. ’
‘ don’t make bigfoot believe in your little ghostly energies bigfoot is meat and bone. ’
‘ i don’t think that’s how bigfoot rolls. ’
‘ the vest is gonna make me look more festive… and i won’t get shot, so there’s that. that’s an added bonus. having fun getting shot. i’m not gonna help you. ’
‘ having fun getting shot. i’m not gonna help you. ’
‘ you honestly think we’re going to encounter a sasquatch, the sasquatch is going to attack you and your life is going to be saved because you’re wearing a helmet? it’s gonna bring a rock down upon your head, we’re gonna get it on film, and we’re gonna say, ‘thank god you had your helmet on your head.’ ’
‘ i think we’re ready to rock and roll, man. ’
‘ you look like an idiot. ’
‘ if i see people taller than me i get concerned about them because i think they’re gonna die young. ’
‘ i wasn’t fat-shaming bigfoot. i was just mentioning that this is a creature of enormous strength. ’
‘ his name is cedric. he struck me as a cedric when i first saw him after i destroyed his apartment. ’
‘ well, if it’s any consolation, you look like an idiot. ’
‘ i think it’s time for a little beer break. ’
‘ if a bigfoot actually walked out right now, this would be the greatest thing ever captured on camera, if we lured out a bigfoot with a beer. ’
‘ they said that… i agree, but they meant it more, so hit them! ’
‘ nah. this guys inhaling too many… cat… shit… fumes. ’
‘ yeah, this is all jolly right now, but can you imagine what this is gonna be like at night? ’
‘ it is a very old piece of footage, but so is… die hard. still good. ’
‘ i’m saying just ‘cause something’s good doesn’t mean it’s bad, or– ’
‘ that’s a completely different train of thought. what the fuck is going on here? ’
‘ (wheezing and laughing) it’s been a long day. ’
‘ now you look like a man i would never talk to under any circumstance. ’
‘ don’t judge a book by it’s cover? it’s a hell of a cover. this place is beautiful! ’
‘ i don’t wanna kill the vibe, but we could just turn the lights on, it’s a hotel. ’
‘ holy shit! it’s a jacuzzi tub! ’
‘ this is the best place we’ve ever ghostbusted. ’
‘ like a ghost sitcom? sign me up! ’
‘ well, he can go to hell. ’
‘ oof. i don’t even wanna talk about that evening. ’
‘ i stole this off the woman who died in the titanic! ’
‘ …shadows do tend to follow you, though. that’s sort of how they work. ’
‘ you gotta fuckin’ calm down, man! ’
‘ ghost 101. week one, knock books off shelf. week two, uhh, hold a candlestick in the middle of a hallway. week three… sheets. ’
‘ this is one of the best days of my life. ’
‘ i freaked out because i thought something flew in front of me, but come to think of it, it could’ve been the reflection of my light turning off. ’
‘ you know, a ghost has probably whispered point blank in your ear, but you’ve probably never heard it because you were too busy going, ‘ugh ugh okay, oh, what did i do? oh, what did i do? i always get myself into these things ooo.’ ’
‘ are we doing more of this or can i use the jacuzzi hot tub that we’ve been blessed with? ’
‘ are we gonna spend the night here and not use the jacuzzi? ’
‘ the jacuzzi jets don’t work… we’re just two guys sitting in a tub. ’
‘ yeah… it’s daft punk. the dj’s daft punk came into our suite at night and gave me a little diddy, that’s what happened. ’
‘ it’s not haunted. i know it’s not haunted. it’s not haunted. ’
‘ you’re like a stupid string puppet that i can just bring along with me and i can pull it when i wanna hear something dumb. ’
‘ no– they’re. no. no. nope. ’
‘ the ball also stopped at the ‘i love pot’ graffiti, so maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it. ’
‘ wha– what are ya doin’? ’
‘ look it up. it’s a thing on the internet. ’
‘ who are you pointing to? ’
‘ i bet i could squeeze an apple till it exploded. ’
‘ you hear that in the distance? it’s the excuse train coming. ’
‘ great. that’ll be good. i’m gonna snap that. ’
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