xgoldheartcoldhandsx:
she shut the door behind her and tip-toed to his bed, leaning over to take the joint from his fingers. she placed it in between two glossed lips, the smoke stinging her throat as she held it in her lungs. “you know you can’t say no to me,” jessica teased and blew a light cloud of smoke into his face. she sat on the edge of his bed, long legs folded over each other and placed the tips of her polished nails on his knee.
“i wanted to talk to you. alone.” she admitted, beginning to mindlessly trace circles with her finger over the fabric of his jeans. “about… what happened, i guess. i saw you go upstairs and i had to follow you.” she struggled to get the words out, cursing herself for the three or four beers she tipped back in an attempt to fill the cavity in her chest with the warm, harsh feeling of being wasted. the cavity of guilt that hannah and beth had carved, and the one that josh was widening with every distant look. “i don’t know what to say. it sucks, really bad, everything that happened but i promise you.. that it was never meant to go that far.” her lower lip trembled as she spoke, her eyes never raising to meet his. “i’m so fucking sorry, josh.” she prayed he wouldn’t hate her. he probably already did. who wouldn’t? she was a fucking murderer. nobody else that was there that night wanted to say it - they were all murderers.
“i know you hate me.” she finally said after a long moment of heavy silence, drawing her hands back to her lap. “but i really don’t want you to.” jessica riley finally gave a fuck, a little too late, and maybe if it wasn’t for him, she wouldn’t have given a fuck at all. she could hear the voices of her friends in the back of her mind, telling her what to say to anybody who asked. they just couldn’t take a joke… “josh?” she whined, her eyes raising to meeting his. the last person on earth who wanted to hear an apology from her.
Why did he ask her to join him?
Watching contrived smugness of Jessica’s expression, lips split for the joint to pass through, was enough to make Josh nauseated. Too many emotions. Wasn’t he trying to shove those pesky deficiencies down, dragging the stifling lump in his throat with them?
She worsened his ailment, whatever the fuck that was.
Without warning, she brushed his knee, fingers bent like claws. Josh stiffened beneath her fleeting touch, feeling the tip of her manicured nail through crumpled denim, spiraling. His breath caught at the top of his esophagus, unfolding to lay motionless against his tongue.
For a few minutes, Josh forgot how to breathe. He heard Jessica’s words, and miraculously comprehended them, but their usefulness long since drained out. They resembled dead air, existing with a lost purpose.
Tilting his gaze, he noticed her glowing eyes, finally enduring their entrancing hue after boring holes through the hardwood floor. He swallowed.
… It was never meant to go that far. I’m so fucking sorry, Josh. (And did she mean it? Was this all for show- her benefit?)
I know you hate me.
Brewing deep in his diaphragm, a low, steady stream of strained laughter sliced open the silence, save for the bass from the music below. He shook his head.
What were they doing?
“Y’know what’s funny? Sam and Chris thought this party was a bad idea, which is why they didn’t show. Even though I told them it’s been like three, four months! Oh, and, uhhh… Ashley, yeah, she stayed home, too. She’s like… easily forgettable, y’know? Basically Chris’s shadow. I don’t know why those crazy kids haven’t sealed the deal yet.” Josh clicked his swollen tongue, having half a mind to stick to the roof of his mouth. It came unhinged, disappointingly, and flopped back behind his teeth.
The stare he provided Jessica mirrored a leer, pupils traversing the length of her body. He licked and pursed his lips. “You’re kind of a… shadow, too, right? But you… you blend in with Emily. And Mike. Y’don’t… think for yourself. Y’don’t think,” jabbing index into the side of his skull, “That apology was meant for two others who aren’t here, and you know that. You… You’re so much better than…” He trailed off.
I know you hate me.
But I really don’t want you to.
Heaving a sigh of discomfort, Josh stood, his body positioned at a forty-five degree angle in her direction. “I thought I was… I thought we were…” An agonizing beat. “I… I can’t hate someone I don’t know.”
Shakily, he reached for the joint she could very well snap in two, nodding backward. “So, uhhh… I’m getting the fuck outta this stuffy room. I’ll be on the roof, enjoying the sound of troubled youths hurling all over Melinda’s prized rose bushes.”
“y’don’t.. think for yourself. y’dont think.”
the words echoed in her head, anger festering in the center of her chest as she listened to the words escaping past his lips. “you can’t hate someone.. you don’t know?” she repeated through gnashed teeth, shiny, sticky lips pressed into a thin line. was he fucking serious? no, no, this wasn’t anger. yet. it couldn’t be. disbelief? red flushed across her cheeks.
she clicked her tongue. “i really am sorry. and i really do wish that they were here, but they’re not. they’re dead or missing or what the fuck ever on that goddamned mountain.” she patted her thighs with delicate hands and stood up, barking out a dry laugh. “i.. am so stupid. what was i thinking, following you up here just so you can tell me i don’t have a fucking brain and that i’m just a..” she trailed off. her eyes flicked up to meet his again, hardened into a burning gaze. “i know damn well mike and emily have not said a word to you about your sisters. i came up here on my own accord.” she stepped closer to him, jabbing a sharp index finger into his chest with every word. her voice progressed into a low, venomous tone as she lifted her face to be in front of his. “you. are. a. fucking. shell. chris and sam were right; this was a terrible idea. you invited everyone over to drink a little too much and try a little too hard to forget everything that happened just to come wallow in self pity?” her words were tumbling out, faster than she could stop them. she wasn’t sure if she was even making sense.
shut up, shut up, shut up.
another stream of laughter erupted from downstairs. she felt like she was going to vomit. “you… you think you’re the only one suffering and it’s bullshit. i’m sorry that it happened. truly.” she ached hard, once, “but nobody knew hannah was going to run out like that. into a fucking blizzard, for god’s sake. and maybe, if you weren’t too busy with your lips pressed against a dozen fucking bottles that night, both of your sisters would still be here. you’ve always been a fucking shell, josh.”
