xiomara on the rise

love is love is love is love. cannot be killed or pushed aside. ao3: coatlicue

[organmuncher]

cheryl: veronica lodge?? nah what an idiot what a — [trips] [hundreds of thousands of photos of veronica lodge spill out of jacket] w-what a fcking dumbass i these aren’t mine I’m just [gathering them up frantically sweating] listen I just listen fuck [thousands of pictures of veronica lodge scatter across the floor] shit fuck I’m holding them for betty just listen

[xiomarisol]

toni (on her motorcycle): what are you doing?

cheryl (on a horse): you said you wanted to go riding today...

[xiomarisol]

nobody:

no one at all:

cheryl: no offense but i’d like to set you on fire

[inthemoodforchaos]

#cheronica rise!

[xiomarisol]

i think i’ll love you forever (i hope you warm up to me)

22 y.o. bi Taurus tender warrior. Lover of dirty chai lattes, adventure, and bewitching. Calling on a passionate, kind-hearted, intellectual woman for all the laughing, loving, softness, and mutual pain this world has to offer. If you’re into it, let’s welcome the new year together. (@sistergrimm)

I imagined roofs and spray painting, then roofs but no spray painting, then a raging party under a starless Los Angeles sky, then a midnight spell (maybe a kiss), but then broke myself out of my daydreams and closed the app. 

I entertained the idea a few times (maybe more than a few, okay, maybe enough that Xavin laughed every time they saw the HER logo on my phone) of clicking the little envelope icon and sending her a message.

The first time I saw Nico I was stumbling—maybe crawling—into Timely Coffee, where she works as a barista. After a long night of line editing my senior thesis, an analysis of sleep patterns as connected to depression and memory formation in mice, I was in dire need of caffeine. (Yes, I do understand the irony). I do consider myself more of a tea drinker, as coffee usually winds up my vegan stomach more than I would like and has me bouncing off the walls within twenty minutes of drinking it, but desperate times, right?

“Give me the strongest thing you’ve got.” I said, not even looking up, when I reached the counter.

“Oh-kay,” She laughed, a melodic, pretty sound that pulled my gaze upwards to meet hers and yanked me right out of my daze. “You alright?”

“I—” Much better now that I’ve seen your pretty face, I thought, but instead said, “Yeah. Finals. You know how it is.”

“Oh, believe me, I know how it is. Where do you study?”

“USC. Psychology. You?” “UCLA. Astronomy and botanical sciences. I’m Nico, by the way.”

“Shit—” I blurted out. Xavin’s voice infiltrated my consciousness, Karolina Dean, you useless fucking lesbian.

“Well, nice to meet you, shit.”

“No uh, I just meant, I’m dying with a social science major and you’re somehow alive with two STEM majors. It gave me chills just to think about it, I mean I could nev—I’m Karolina.”

“No worries. I’ll hook you up.” When the words ‘hook’ and ‘up’ and ‘you’ left her mouth, my mind went absolutely blank. “Karolina? I said that’ll be $3.25.”

“Oh. Shit. Yeah.” I handed her a five and gestured to myself. “Keep the change. As a thank you for…”

I made my way over to a table where I decided to rest my eyes for a few seconds as Nico prepared my coffee. Before I knew it, Nico was shaking me awake with a smile. “Karolina?”

“Shit. I fell asleep. What time—”

“That seems to be your favorite word, huh? And don’t worry, it’s only been a few minutes. Here is your coffee. Careful, it’s a death trap.”

“Sounds like just what I need.” I took a sip and managed to swallow it down but not before showing off a grimace.

Nico laughed, “I knew you’d hate it.”

“What is that, gasoline?”

“Straight espresso. We actually call it the death trap. But don’t worry, I knew you didn’t actually want that, so I made you another drink. Dirty chai with honey. Heavy on the dirty.”

I felt heat creep up my cheeks as Nico pulled another drink from her tray. “You always give strangers free do-over drinks?”

“Nah,” Nico winked, “But I know what to do when a pretty girl like you shows up at the shop looking like she needs a pick-me-up.”

When Nico walked away, I couldn’t help but stare after her.

Useless. Fucking. Lesbian.

-

Xavin was quick to ask whether I had gotten Nico’s number after I texted them a play-by-play of our interaction. I hadn’t, which obviously left me no choice but to return to Timely the next day, only to find a boy named Alex at the counter who seemed baffled at my rude demeanor. It was over.

“You’re so fucking dramatic Karolina, it’s not over.”

“It’s over. The moment has passed. She will forever be the one who got away.”

“I’m a computer science major. Give me something to work with and I’m sure I can find her for you.”

“I told you everything already. She has beautiful long black hair, cool makeup, kind of looks like a Monster High doll but in a hot way. Her name is Nico and she studies science and she—”

Xavin snaps their fingers, “Jesus, Karo, focus! All we have right now is that she’s a goth Asian that works at Timely.”

“And studies! Smart and pretty, can you imagine?”

“Okay. Where?”

“Oh. UCLA.”

Xavin throws their hands up, “You couldn’t have started there?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because, my dear, dear, roommate, UCLA has a searchable student directory. And I’m not sure how many female Nicos there is at that university, but I’m guessing not many. I’m on it, darling, and I will have your girl by the end of the day.”

As promised, Xavin found Nico Minoru in the student directory, complete with an email and a picture that matched her perfectly. But I still didn’t have the balls to contact her. I mean, what would I say. Hi, I saw you at Timely a few weeks ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about you since?

Yeah. Right. So, instead, I resumed life as usual. Studying, working, sleeping, binge watching reality TV to fill the time. Eventually, I almost forgot about her. Xavin even managed to convince me to download HER to find something to do. You can’t go into the new year single, Karolina. You’re hot! Put yourself out there.

Imagine my fucking surprise when the first girl I see is a goth Asian with a beautifully poetic bio, smiling up at me from my phone screen.

-

In theory, I should have swiped right immediately.

But I didn’t, because I kept thinking: what if she thinks I’m weird? What if she’s just a flirt? What if, at the end of the day, she’s not who I think she is, and I’ve built this insane fantasy version of her in my head and whatever she does will be sure to disappoint me? So, I let it sit there...but then I let it sit there too long and figured if she had swiped on me it had been so long ago it would be weird to match now.

(Useless. Fucking. Lesbian.)

“Are you ready?” Xavin burst through my door. God, they really are an insufferable roommate. “Karolina! We need to leave. I’m giving you fifteen minutes and you need to be dressed and ready to get drunk and forget this decade even existed.”

“Why do I have to go?”

“Because, Karolina, you have been rotting in that bed for the past two weeks and I’m actually concerned that if I leave you in there any longer, you’ll start to smell. Also, you promised Gert you were going!”

“No, you promised Gert I was going. This isn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, baby, and it’s about time your tall white ass found out about it. Fifteen minutes!”

-

“Xavin!” Gert waved as soon as we walked into the party, which was held on the rooftop of her apartment building, “And Karolina! I’m so glad you both could make it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Xavin said, then elbowed me in the ribs, “Right, Kar?”

I smiled, “Yeah, for sure.”

Gert just laughed and led us over to the bar where a group of people was standing and laughing, “Let me introduce you two. Hey guys!”

The group turned around and—“Oh, shit.”

“See you still like that word, huh?”

Gert looked between the two of us, “Oh, you guys know each other?”

“No,” I said, at the same time that Nico replied, “Kind of.”

“We met at Timely.”

I felt Xavin’s head turn quickly towards me. “Oh, so you’re Nico. I’m Xavin, by the way. Karolina’s roommate and best friend.”

“Nice to meet you.” Nico said, shook Xavin’s hand at an intensity that felt way too odd for the situation.

“And I’m Chase.” We all turned to him, “Sorry. It was getting weird.”

“I’m so sorry,” Gert spoke up, “This is Chase. My boyfriend.”

Xavin smiles, “Oh, Gert, you didn’t say you were dating such a hunk!”

After that, thank God, the conversation moved on from the temporary awkwardness of whatever was going on with Nico (nothing) and onto Chase’s muscles. I couldn’t have cared less about his muscles, so I moved to the bar and ordered myself a rum and coke to start the night.

The music was loud, and the sky was open, people danced and sang and laughed, and it was moments like these that reminded me just how lonely big cities were. I went to take a sip of my drink but realized it was empty, and that a telltale warmth was already spreading through my chest.

“Not into the whole party scene?” Nico snuck up next to me.

“Nah. Xavin basically dragged me by my hair. Something about not letting me rot in bed on New Years’ Eve.”

“Yeah. I was supposed to stay in and manifest my 2020 goals, but Gert said I’d be ruining her vibe.” Nico turned to me, “I have an idea.”

“Yeah?”

“You hate the party. I hate the party.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I like wine. Do you like wine?”

“I love wine.”

“As it turns out, there seems to be an unguarded bottle of wine right next to the bar. And a terrace up by the fire escape. If you’re down?”

God, she’s so pretty. “I’m in.”

We giggled, both slightly tipsy, as we stole the bottle from the bar. (To be honest, it looked like it was up for taking, but confirming that would’ve ruined the fun.) The terrace was only accessible by a metal ladder, which meant that I had to watch Nico climb up in an impossibly short and tight black dress. Jesus. For a girl who was five feet tall her legs definitely looked like they went on for days.

“You okay?” Nico asked, pointing to my flushed cheeks as soon as I climbed over the terrace.

“I—yeah. Just, you know, winded.”

Nico patted the space next to her, “Come sit.”

I did, ignoring the way my skin felt hot where our exposed thighs touched, legs over the edge. “Wow. The view is beautiful from up here.”

“Almost makes you forget how shitty the people in LA are.”

“Not all of them.” I countered. Not you, I wanted to say.

“Yeah. Not all of them.” Nico smiled, and it took the breath right out of my lungs. “So, I have a tradition. Normally you do it with grapes, but we have wine, which is made of grapes. You also normally do it at midnight, but I like to take my time. It’s a little cheesy.”

“That’s okay.” I smile, “I like cheesy.”

“12 manifestations, wishes, or intentions for the New Year. Anything you want. For everyone, you drink a little wine.”

“Cool. You start.”

“Okay. In 2020, I’m going to graduate from UCLA with honors.” Nico takes a swig of wine. “Your turn.”

Pretty and smart. Wow. I take the bottle from her, ignoring the way my fingertips burn when we brush hands, “I’m going to be financially independent this year.”

I take a drink, enjoying the quiet that falls over both of us. There’s something special about it. Planning a future with someone who doesn’t share your past.

“I’m gonna get a rockin’ bod.” Nico says, and I burst out laughing.

“Please, you already have one.” Fuck. I look at Nico, scared that I’ve said too much. But she just smiles.

“Thanks, Karolina. You’re sweet, but I want washboard abs.” The way she says my name, slowly, almost like a prayer… maybe I am a lesbian stereotype, but if she were to propose right now, I would say yes.

“Um, I want to cut my hair this year.” I take a drink, ignoring the way Nico stares at me.

“Really?” She says, hand reaching forward to play with the ends of my hair, which falls in loose ringlets around my waist. “Your hair is really pretty.”

“Yeah. But it’s also… I don’t know… has been such a symbol of beauty and femininity and conformity for me. Of what’s expected of me. I kind of want to figure out who I am outside of those things, even if it just starts with getting a bob.”

Nico stares at me, her gaze unreadable. If I didn’t know better, I might call it admiration. “Yeah. I feel that. I, uh—the whole goth thing… it kind of started like that. In high school.”

“So, you were a rebel?”

Nico scoffs, “Something like that.”

“What’s that like?”

“Rebelling?”

“No, being a goth.” Karolina says, keeping a straight face. “Yes, rebelling.”

Nico laughs, loudly, definitely affected by the alcohol she’s consumed. “Well the goth thing is just kind of expensive. Rebelling is… was fun, for a while, but then it just kind of gets lonely. You’re running by your own rules all the time, and people aren’t understanding you.”

“Hmm. My mom was a pastor. Is a pastor. The most rebellious thing I did was come out to her my freshman year of college.”

Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s the realization that I’m going to end the decade having spent half of it without talking to my parents, but a tear escapes my eye before I can catch it. I wipe under my eyes, “Sorry. Yikes.”

"Don’t apologize.” Nico uses her hand to guide my chin up, “Hey. You’re a bad bitch.”

I laugh. Nico pouts, “I’m serious. I’m sorry your mom can’t see it but, Karolina, you’re sensational. So repeat after me: I am a bad bitch.”

“Nico…”

“I won’t take no for an answer. You have to do it.”

And of course, because I can’t say no to pretty girls, I repeat, drearily. “I am a bad bitch.”

“Louder.”

“I am a bad bitch!”

“Louder.”

And then, almost like I’m yelling it so my mother can see it all the way from her house in Orange County, “I am a bad bitch!”

“That’s the spirit.” Nico laughs, “Okay, pass me that wine bottle, we still have lots more wishes to go.”

We get through most of the wishes and I learn Nico wants to learn to do stick and pokes, I tell her about my desire to pick up embroidery, she tells me about her lack of cooking skills and I offer to help her. By the time we reach the last two wishes we’ve gotten through an obscene amount of the wine bottle and are both teetering on the edge of deliriousness.

“Okay,” I say, “My turn. Um. In 2020, or at least this decade, I want to fix my relationship with my father.”

Nico sighs as I take my drink, “That is so valid. So valid.”

When I see her get quiet, I place a hand over hers. “You alright?”

“Yeah. I haven’t… I need to talk to my parents in 2020 too. I haven’t… it’s just been a while. Since we really talked, you know?” Her voice gets shaky, so I intertwine my fingers with hers. “My sister… she passed.”

A gasp escapes my lips before I can stop it, “Nico, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. Well… it’s not. But it’s been years. And at some point it becomes okay. But I just… I was in high school and I needed somebody to blame and I blamed my parents, and myself, and the fucked up system that made her feel like she wasn’t wanted. And now I feel like there’s a giant rift between us that can’t be closed.”

I offer her a gentle smile, “It can. You deserve that. You deserve everything that makes you happy.”

Nico takes a breath, “In 2020, I’m going to learn how to cast a fucking solid prosperity spell.”

“Wow. Bewitching, huh?”

“So, you did see my profile.”

Heat rushes up my cheeks, “I—yeah.”

“But you swiped left.” Nico looks down, and I try (fail) to ignore the way my heart clenches at the sight.

“No!” Nico looks up at me, confused. “I just—”

I take out my phone, and drunkenly open the HER app to the still up picture of Nico’s smiling face. And before I can talk myself out of it, I swipe right. When I look up at her again, she’s grinning.

“How long was I sitting there for?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Oh, but I do. But fine, if you won’t tell me I’m sure I can get it out of Xavin.”

“Do not talk to Xavin! They are not to be trusted.” I take the bottle of wine out of Nico’s hand in a desperate attempt to change the subject, “I’m centering love, friendship, and connection in 2020.”

“Really? Well, I think I can help with that.” Nico takes the bottle of wine from me as soon as I’m done taking a sip and chugs the remaining, “In 2020, I’m taking Karolina Dean on a date.”

I smiled, the blush creeping up my cheeks and making my ears hot, “That’s no way to ask a lady out.”

“Oh, I’m not asking, baby.” Nico leaned forward and for a second I thought she was going to kiss me, until the turned my face with her hand and whispered in my ear, “I’m manifesting.”

“Was that witchcraft?” I answered, ignoring the way the whisper had shot electricity down my spine.

“No, but what if it was?”

“Then I’d say it’s not necessary.”

“You’re smooth, Karolina.” Nico said, just as we heard Chase yell, “Countdown!”

“Fuck. We gotta go.” We clambered over the ladder, nearly breaking our heads, and I managed to catch Xavin staring at us as we tumbled over to the group, hands still intertwined.

“Four!” I engulfed Xavin in a hug. “Three!”

“Two!” I turned back to Nico.

“One!”

“Happy New Year!” I wish I could say we met halfway, but really, I had to bend almost completely down to kiss her. The chaos around us worked to our favor, because everything became white noise when our lips met. We were completely swept up in each other.

“I wish I would’ve swiped right sooner.” I smiled at her.

“That’s okay. We ended up welcoming in the decade together anyway.”

[that-beheld-bastard]

How to love a god

1. Foolishly.

They do not care for you, do not know you. You are nothing but an amusement in a world of the mundane familiar. Savor that.

2. Unabashedly.

It is beyond your comprehension, and the study of it is your rapture. There is nothing here that you could ever understand. You do not look away.

3. Breathlessly.

When did you first feel them? When did the all encompassing pressure begin to grow? Does it matter? You cannot breathe. Its too much. You want more.

4. Desperately.

You are lost and losing more the longer you wander here, in this garden of wrong turns and impossible riddles. Inside It calls to you and promises safe passage in payment for faith. What a beautiful lie

5. Helplessly.

Of course you love them. You always have. They found you and made you theirs, isn’t it such a gift?

6. Recklessly.

You will burn yourself out in a blaze of glory in hopes that a supernova will notice, but the thrill of the burn is worth it in its own right.

7. Blindly.

You know nothing of it because you have never confronted it. It lurks behind you always, never seen but ever noticed. Whisper your prayers to the shadows, maybe one day one of them will listen.

8. Ceaselessly.

It is just out of reach, constantly flitting in and out of existence, close enough to taunt, far enough to evade your grasping claws. You’ll catch it one day. Its already caught you.

9. Thunderously.

Fight. Tear. Rend. Bleed. Blood is the oldest call to the gods and they will listen. If you spill enough that is.

10. Inevitably.

It was always going to lead you here, to the point where nothing has ever mattered but who you are and the fact that you will never change again. It does not care for you, so there is no judgement here.

11. Harmoniously.

You cannot cooexist with them for they are more than can ever be explained but you can become more-than-you if you try, a fragile counterpoint to their divine song.

12. Freely.

This was chosen for you by you by chance but the reward is an endless being, live without the boundaries of ‘too much’.

13. Collectively.

You are but a collection of parts, but every piece of your self calls out in rapture of their use in service to the perfect whole you can become.

14. Exclusively.

No one loves your god as you do, you alone know the truth to it existence, you alone know how to fill the vacuum of nothing that cradles you. You will never fill it.

1. Foolishly.

This cannot continue. There is nothing there to love.

[xiomarisol]

ok but .... what if.... hear me out..... i made a series of femslash oneshots.... each one pertaining to one of the forms of love in this list... haha jk.... unless?

[xiomarisol]

never thought i’d be in love with a gay rainbow glowing alien but here we are

[xiomarisol]

so i finally gave in and watched runaways. not only did i body all three seasons in the span of three days but deanoru has now taken over my waking consciousness.

how am i supposed to know that their greatest hopes are marrying each other and just.... exist with that information i—

[xiomarisol]

cheryl talks like she’s from the 13th century for no (0) reasons

[thegaylists]

sapphic//songs about __

Girls with a boyfriends

your boyfriend by bloxx

boyfriend by marika hackman

girlfriend by kitty

boyfriend by tegan and sara

girlfriend by ria mae

taking off all my clothes by heidi

Breakups

talia by king princess

0108 by nakala

strangers by halsey

me & her by heavens to betsy

curious by hayley kiyoko

sheet stains by lauren ruth ward

always this way by laura marling

heartbroken forever by tender forever

now im all messed up by tegan and sara

Bad Girls

goth girls are easy by lesbian bed death

dressed in black by gossip

lesbian vampyres from outer space

she’s a gun by the greeting committee

woman dangerous by doria roberts

rebel girl by bikini kill

P.U.N.K girl by heavenly

strong woman by jen cloher

Sex

sweet girl by nicole dollanganger

bitches by tove lo

bang me box by miley cyrus

box by siya

holy by king princess

i didn’t just kiss her by jen foster

Young love

be my leia by the dollyrots

red by miki ratsula

sappho by frankie cosmos

hold your hand by nicolette forte

no kings by the total bettys

say anything by girl in red

hot like the room by my body

gossip girl by grace vanderwaal

sweet girl by nicole dollanganger

Old Love

marry me by tender forever

with a girl like you by thao

eden with my eve by jen cloher

Bisexuality

boys by maris

carmen by lana del rey

bad at love by halsey

in or out by ani difranco

think about girls sometimes by amber

i wanna boyfriend with a car by kate nash

Lesbians

I’ll never want a BF by bec sandridge

i don’t do boys by elektra

dyke march 2001 by le tigre

dyke bars never last by sapphic lasers\

blue collar sex kitten by lauren ruth ward

the only dyke at the open mic by kate reid

Pining

sleepover by hayley kiyoko

jessie’s girl by mary lambert

bestie by sizzy rocket

daisy by zedd

like me by chely wright

veronica by daddy issues

i want her by blind fury

jenny by studio killers

i wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red

Confidence

B.I.G by caitlyn scarlett

shade by iamddb

ICY GRL by saweetie ft. kehlani

boinked the bride by ember swift

checking out your babe by tribe 8

Q.U.E.E.N by janelle monae

Real People/Characters/Media

edie windsor by zoë lewis

the ellen page by partner

marceline by willow

carol by jen cloher

fingersmith by jen cloher

Coming out/Homophobia

homo song by mara levi

room by palehound

LGBT by lowell

love is love by naz & ella

love is love by starley

married in london by janis ian

pride by grace petrie

this is me by jen foster

gay sex by be steadwell

not worth hiding by alex the astronaut

Butch/Femme

drag king bar by bitch and animal

femme bitch top by tribe 8

only straight girls wear dresses by cwa

dyke bars never last by sapphic lasers

butch in the streets by tribe 8

closet femme by kate reid 

Running away

greatness by jen foster

chelsea lets go join the circus by agent R

feminist housewives by bitch and animal

[spooky-luka-deactivated20200830]

Yearning

Holy by Zolita

[xiomarisol]

uhhh,,, did anyone else find that scene where the guy accused that black boy of shoplifting and called him a delinquent and the place a halfway house kind of uncomfortable? seems a lil tone deaf

[xiomarisol]

the fact that cheryl did all that for archie and his mom when the core four don’t even give her the light of day enough to ask if she’s okay with them celebrating on the day her brother died i—look i don’t believe in prisons but they all deserve jail time

[raiain]

the moon asks a question by dirgewithoutmusic

illustrated by purutsukid

[xiomarisol]

but why

does vanessa morgan, my good canadian sis, follow donald trump, that flaming piece of shit americans call the president, on twitter?

[mayamccall]

— Fortesa Latifi

[xiomarisol]

can cheryl and veronica PLEASE just be friends again? is that too much to ask for from this wack ass show?

we know it is, but still.

[xiomarisol]

riverdale characters as yourgirlfriend22 memes

cheryl: nothing is, is it

veronica: queen of coming in at the last second not having been present for any of betty + jughead’s drama all season

archie: i’m sorry he’s just so dumb

jughead: always making discoveries

betty: poking holes in her mom’s plans

toni: does she ever know wtf is going on with the core 4 or does cheryl just bring her along for the ride

kevin: when he was left at ascension

josie: she said i’m out y’all