the life we could’ve had. — SJY
“I can see a life with you, but if you can’t, I’m sorry.” - “…What Are We?” by Lizzy McAlpine
𑣲 SYNOPSIS… your marriage with sim jaeyun was picture perfect, it was almost as if you had both been copied and pasted directly off a movie screen. you both had everything you ever needed and wanted. you both had the same goals in life. until you came to the devastating realization that you didn’t, leaving you to mourn what could’ve been.
𑣲 PAIRINGS… husband!jake x f!reader — fluff (at the beginning), angst, hurt (some comfort), slowburn, time skip, divorce, lovers-to-strangers trope
𑣲 WARNINGS… mature themes: divorce, mentions of pregnancy, suggestive content, mild language, implied intimacy. (jake gets his heart emotionally ripped out his chest oops…)
the rain cuts through the once sun bleached sky, pattering down on the window panes, almost as if it were trying to break into your home.
although the unexpected precipitation presents hostile, it produces a gentle pattering noise throughout your quiet home.
you don’t even know if you could even call your house a home anymore. to you, it was a ghost of what once was.
a bitter reminder of the future that was waiting for you, but never fulfilled. it was almost like the equivalent of adding salt to the wound.
everywhere you looked, he was there. not physically, but recollections of him still lingered even when you weren’t trying to think about him.
your home was stripped of the once familiar laughter that you both shared. the quiet was almost deafening. you always had to distract yourself or have some music playing faintly in the background or else you felt like the quiet would become personified and come to pull you into a spiral that would drive you insane.
every memory of him was like a thread that was entwined in the fabrics of your home. he was like a microscopic needle in an infinite haystack— that’s how hard it would be to pinpoint and get rid of any trace of him left behind in the once shared living space.
the bright walls of your home that now seem to have a sickening dullness to them still have photos of the two of you hanging on them.
in one of them, you both look visibly younger. your face looked more lively and it hasn’t sunken into itself either. your eyes still had a light within them. adjacent to you was jake. he had a smile that defined youth. you could see the crinkles at the edge of his eyes from how wide he was smiling that day at the beach.
the one right next to it was one from your wedding day. still just two young kids who were only a few years into adulthood, barely grasping the magnitude of marriage. you look over to the one next over. it was from the honeymoon you both had in the countryside of switzerland. you both wore your huge puffy jackets— reminiscent of fluffy marshmallows— in the alpine mountains as both of your smiles practically reached your ears. your eyes followed to the barely noticeable message in the corner of the photo. “Für ein schönes Paar” in slightly smudged, black handwritten ink sat stationary in the corner of the capture. it was a german message that when translated into english read, “For a beautiful couple.”
you take each of the photos down from the wall, placing them into a cardboard box along with other memorabilia of the relationship; to be stashed away at a storage unit.
your marriage with jake sim was picture perfect, it was almost as if you had both been copy and pasted directly off a movie screen.
it was like someone had been writing out the story of your lives—adding all the details that would make it a happily ever after. you both had everything you ever needed and wanted. a stable job, a nice home, and unconditional love.
you both had the same goals in life. you were even convinced that you were both walking on the same path until you came to the devastating realization that you didn’t.
it didn’t come with no warning. you knew it was going to happen, but you denied it until you couldn’t. the grave truth of the illusion kept weighing down the foundation until it completely crumbled into bits and pieces that couldn’t be fixed with some glue.
how could you be so naïve as to believe that your plot would have its happy ending? it was like the author of your life had cruelly killed you off in your own story, ripping you away from what you were promised.
you thought about your future with jake often. you conceptualized it like it was something tangible. something palpable and warm that you could hold in the hollow of your palm, almost like you could feel the edges.
but that couldn’t be further from the truth that was slowly fraying at the ends, blurring lines between what was real and what wasn’t.
the misty air nips at your nose as the sun begins to shine through the clouds. your father links his arm with yours as he looks at his daughter one last time.
at this very moment, he doesn’t see a woman on her wedding day, draped in white fabric, about to be married to the love of her life. he doesn’t see any of that. in fact, he can’t wrap his head around the fact that any of this is happening right now.
years ago, you were a nothing but just a small heart beat that he held tightly in his arms while he rocked you back and forth. you were his little girl, and now he’s about to walk you down the aisle where everyone was anticipating the shining bride to walk out at any given moment. you’ll always be his little girl in his eyes.
you’ve only ever seen your dad cry a few times and you could count those few times on both hands. the last time you truly seen him cry was when your childhood dog passed away, and even when you confronted him about it, he denied ever crying over her death—which you knew was a lie.
but today was different. he was letting you out of his hands and into the grasp of the only man who could love you as much as he did.
“i prayed for the weather to clear up just for today.” your dad’s voice quivered as he tried to distract himself from crying.
“it worked.” you said looking out into the clearing horizon that was once cloudy and gloomy as your throat started to tighten and your eyes started to burn from the overwhelming joy you were feeling at that moment.
“are you ready?” you asked as you squeezed his palm to reassure him that everything was going to be okay.
he gave a gentle nod, squeezing your palm back.
the pianist started playing—a cue to begin walking down the aisle. the piano sung a harmonious tune as you walked out the aisle, where everyone waited for your arrival.
you didn’t look up immediately. you were preparing yourself to finally choose forever. you waited until you reached the middle of the aisle before finally looking up, your eyes meeting the boy that you spent your entire life dreaming of.
this was a day that you’d always think about, and it was a day you’d always thought you would just merely dream of because of how unattainable it seemed. you never believed someone would love you as delicately and deeply as jake did.
his love was gentle and quiet, but not quiet in the way that meant he didn’t care for you. not all at.
it was quiet in the way that spoke louder than any grand gesture did.
he knew your soul inside and out. he knew how you never drank your tea with creamer, but always added exactly four packets of sweetener in it. nothing more, nothing less. he knew to always buy two of your favorite pastry at once—specifically from the small and slightly dingy bakery owned by an old couple down the street from your shared apartment— because you always enjoyed one in the morning before work and one after dinner for dessert. he knew that you would sit in the driveway even after you’ve put the car in park just to finish singing your heart out to a good song before heading in because as you said, “no song deserves to be cut short.”
as you neared the end of the aisle, you stepped up to the altar where jake stood, awaiting your arrival.
you looked up, meeting his onyx eyes that looked at you like he’d been through hundreds of lifetimes and in each of them, all he ever wanted was you. you could see his lips quiver as his eyes became glassy. “don’t cry yet.” you silently mouth to him, still finding a way to tease him on such a grand occasion.
“you look beautiful.” he mouths back to you who’s standing across from him as the officiant begins to speak and the piano’s volume lowers to a barely noticeable degree; but still loud enough to register that there was an instrument playing.
both of you steal shy glances at each other. it was almost as if you were still those two young teenagers in highschool who had innocent crushes on each other; feeling their hearts beat out of their chest each time their hands brushed the other underneath the lab table, neither soul brave enough to confess their feelings.
the officiant finished speaking; which neither of you listened to because you were busy smiling at each other.
you begin your vows by speaking about how the both of you had met.
jake had just moved in from a different city. you were eighteen, half way through your senior year of highschool, sitting on your front porch with your best friend (who was now standing up there on the altar with you, only now, as your maid of honor) when the bright eyed boy had caught your attention. it was almost like spotlights from the sky appeared out of nowhere, illuminating the boy’s every move. you sat there admiring how strong he had appeared lifting boxes from out the trunk of the car and into the vacant home. he’d close the trunk, taking the last of the boxes into the now occupied home, but not before noticing you and your best friend on the porch and beaming a crooked smile at you both. when his pearly white teeth showed, you knew you were in deep trouble from that moment on.
everything you did, starting from that one stupid smile— that probably meant nothing but a friendly gesture, led you up to this very moment. of course this was not excluding the late night conversations on the hood of his old car that his older brother passed down to him, the sleepovers at your college dorm, the arguments (that you don’t even remember the cause of) in the pouring rain that ended up in peppered kisses all over each other’s faces, the two straws in one shared cherry coke in the booth that belonged to the both of you in the small diner of your hometown, the moments that sounded like taylor swift’s entire fearless album, screaming your heart out to love songs in your room or even the countless times you’ve shared laughter and tears throughout the past nine years together.
then, jake started his vows. his were about when he realized he had loved you. he knew he liked you. i mean of course he did, he practically liked everyone he met. but when he finally realized he loved the girl next door, it wasn’t because of anything grand. it wasn’t just one occasion that cemented and verified the complex emotion either. it was gradual. he knew he loved you while driving you home after a long day out, wishing that the red lights could stay red forever so that the night would never end. he knew he loved you when he started to read your favorite books just so he could talk about them with you. and he definitely knew that he had always loved you as he saw you walk into the room as if you were put on earth by angels themselves, wearing a dark red dress that he swears he can still feel the fabric of on the palms of his hands till this day.
by the end of the exchanged words, you were a mess, along with the sniffles coming from the audience. tears ran down your cheeks—not bitter or regretful, but full of love and joy for the missing piece of your heart standing in front of you. he was your dream come true. jake was crying as well, in the same exact manner you were. he moved closer to you, his hands lifting from his sides to move the wind stricken strands of hair from your face and gently rub the slick tears out from under your eyes. “look at who’s crying now.” he whispered with just enough volume for the two of you to hear. you smile through the sniffles as the officiant begins to speak again.
“do you, sim jaeyun take y/n to be your lawfully wedded wife? to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live?” the officiant asks before turning to ask you the same question, in which everyone already knew the answer. it was like asking if the sky was blue or if fish lived in water.
it was a short sentence; but out of hundreds of thousands of words in the english language, only those two words placed together in that exact order could defy your entire life from that moment on.
“for as long as you both shall live?” sounded like a grand promise that would soon feel like a slap across the face. they were words that you couldn’t shake the bitter taste off your tongue. from here on out, it was a future of christmases never celebrated, grocery store lines never went through together, fancy dinner plates that would never make it to the dining table for your guests, missed soccer practices of your kids that you would never give birth to. but you didn’t know that. you didn’t even know that the clock started to tick from the moment you slid the diamond ring on your ring finger and said the stupid two words out loud.
the ceremony concluded as the reception followed not long after.
the wedding was small and personal. just like how you had wanted it. big weddings just weren’t your type of thing. you both wanted all your close friends and family there for such an intimate event and you got just that. as you both walked into the reception, familiar faces were all around. it was everything you ever wanted and more.
of course it wasn’t like the wedding you dreamed of as a teenager. angsty fifteen year old you on her pinterest adding pins to a board titled, “For my wedding” that included photos of huge vases of red roses, sparkling chandeliers, and a tacky dress that was the trend at the time, all while listening to a mix of the 1975’s and paramore songs repeatedly—fully convinced you were the coolest girl to walk the earth. it wasn’t any of that.
the venue was atop the hills of sunny california. a beach resided nearby, adding a tranquil ambiance to the atmosphere. the florals weren’t loud or anything crazy. just a few arrangements that splashed life throughout the venue. there were small lights hanging from the trees that were soon to be visible as the night began to creep up on the waning daylight.
you walked around the place, greeting family members you haven’t met in a while, catching up with friends about what’s been going on in their lives, and introducing yourself to jake’s extended family and friends that you have yet to encounter before.
likewise, jake was also all over the place, doing the same to your friends and family.
while you were apart during the night, you both stole glances at each other from across the tables; jake’s familiar and comforting smile beaming at you while he spoke to someone who claimed to have held him as a baby and changed his diaper, even though he swears they’ve never met. he gave a shrug from across the table almost to say “help me” without even saying anything. you gave him a shrug back that read, “sorry. can’t help you.” as you shot a mischievous smile at him.
the night grew darker as the lights hanging over the place shined brighter, finally showing what they were made for.
you finally found a moment where you could hit pause in the midst of the day that had you on your feet the entire time. you and jake found your way back to each other that night.
“hey there stranger.” jake sat down next to you on one of the tables, bumping your shoulder.
everyone was either, A: conversing with each other, B: on the dance floor, or C: off the rails at the cocktail bar.
it was just you and jake in what felt like a bubble; away from the crowd of people around you.
“that’s one way to address your beautiful wife.” you bumped his shoulder back, while looking out to see the crashing waves of the nearby beach.
“wait. this beautiful girl is my wife?” he acted shocked.
“all yours.” you confirmed, moving your left hand to be in front of his face, waving your fingers around as the diamond on your ring finger sparkled like a million suns were compacted into the jewel. jake’s expression melted into a warm and gentle smile as he leaned in to press a light and feathery kiss onto the knuckles of your hand.
his line of sight followed to where your eyes were, which were looking out at the dance floor.
“come on, let’s go.” he grabbed onto your hand, dragging you up onto your feet.
“jake! hold on!” you squealed as you felt yourself being pulled from your seat. you laughed as you followed right behind his sudden departure.
“where are we going?” you questioned as jake guided you through the crowd.
“the dance floor.” he looked back at you with a huge smile. you arrived at the dance floor, finding a spot for just the both of you.
“jake, i don’t know how to dance.” you admitted, unsure of the current position you were now in. “me either.” he said, pulling your arms up and around his shoulders.
both of you were erupting balls of laughter and giggles as you both stepped on each others feet while trying to figure out how to dance.
“ouch! jake i think you just broke my toe.” you dramatically yelped as he accidentally stepped on your foot.
“did it hurt? oh my god, i’m so sorry.” he profusely apologized as you laughed at his sudden concern. “you’re literally bigfoot.” you said, poking fun at him. it was a total mess. it was almost like the both of you had two left feet and bad coordination, but neither of you cared. all that mattered was how you were all his and he was all yours in that very moment.
and later that night, it was clear that you were all his.
“jake” you manage to weakly mutter out with a worn voice, barely even audible.
“you’re doing so well for me.” he assured you as you felt your entire body melt into a state of pleasure and euphoria underneath him when you finally reached your climax.
he gently pulled away from where he once was, letting his tired body fall onto you like you were his safety net.
his breath was still uneven, still trying to come down from his high as he pressed kisses all over your barren body, returning to the deep red marks that his mouth had left on your collarbone earlier that night. he offered those spots light kisses as if to almost apologize for the bruises that would be evident the following day.
you felt the cold duvet fall ontop your bare skin as the warmth from jake’s body simultaneously radiated through your body. his soft skin left yours as he delicately slid off from being on top of you.
“i got you baby.” he wrapped his arm around your shaking body.
you didn’t even know if you were conscious at that moment or if you were imagining the entire thing. “i think you just ruined me.” you huff out a gentle laugh at the state you were in. he turned over to look at you, admiring your every feature. his hands lifted from his side, moving the hair away from your damp forehead, and behind your ear.
“are you hurt anywhere?” he said, fingers tracing the curves of your body, lacing them with the soft sensation of his lips.
“no, jake” your lips quietly curve into a smile. “i’m perfectly fine, baby.” his head moved forward to press his forehead against yours as he cupped your face.
“i can’t believe you’re all mine.” he barely managed to mutter out in between his sporadic breaths. you don’t say nothing. you don’t have to say anything. the silence falls comfortably between you as you run your fingers through his brown and fluffy hair and down his spine, leaving a delicate and tender touch behind that jake shivered at. you finally feel the once rapid pulse in your chest die down to a slow rhythmic state as jake slides off the bed.
“where are you going?” your soft spoken voice cuts through the quiet room.
“stay here.” he doesn’t offer an explanation. instead, he slides on some sweatpants to cover his lower half, leaving his upper half exposed before leaving the dim room, opening up the door to the kitchen. some light spills through from the kitchen and into the bedroom, offering a tiny sliver of warm lighting. he comes back with a glass of water. “drink this.” he bends down right beside you on the edge of the bed, helping you lift your exhausted body from where it laid.
he handed you the glass of cold water, making sure that you took a sip of it. you leaned against the headboard of the bed after handing him back the now empty cup. he laid the cup on the nightstand, before turning his attention back to you. he rubbed tiny circles in the palm of your hands, nearly lulling you straight to sleep. “don’t fall asleep yet baby. we still need to get you cleaned up.” he said, not allowing you to drift off.
“can’t we just go to sleep?” you weakly suggested, almost too tired to even talk. “come with me.” he said, standing up from his spot next to you and leaning down so that you could wrap your arms around his shoulders. you latched onto his broad shoulders as you felt his arms slide right underneath your bare body, picking you up from where you laid.
he walked over the bathroom, moving around your wedding gown sprawled out on the floor along with his black suit and white shirt. he put you down on the counter so he could run some warm water in the bathtub. once the water got warm enough, he walked over to guide you to the tub, making sure his hands held onto you just in case your body decided to give out.
“i got you, don’t rush darling.” he muttered as you lowered into the tub. the warm water instantly soothed your sore muscles.
“just relax.” jake said, allowing for you to just breathe. he poured warm water over your hair, wetting it enough just to get a lather formed with your shampoo that smelled faintly of flowers. he gently rubbed the shampoo throughout your scalp and then washed it off. he put some conditioner at the ends of your hair after that, before moving onto your body.
he took a loofah, adding a bit of body wash on it before gently washing off the essence of the day, dissipating it into the soapy water. his touch was comforting, it felt right. he was your safe haven. he was someone who saw you for you were and someone you showed all your ugly truths to.
“what are you thinking about?” jake asks, as he notices how you’re silent in thought.
“i still can’t believe it.” you say looking at the diamond ring sitting on your finger.
“believe what?” he says, attention focused on cleaning you up.
“that this is my life.” you answer his question. a pause follows before you resume. “..that i’m married to you.” you say, pressing a kiss onto his temple.
“i can’t believe it either.” he pours warm water over the suds on your skin. you gently hold onto his hand, looking at the silver band that gripped onto his ring finger.
“let’s get you out of here and dressed.” he cuts through the stilled atmosphere between you two, helping you step out of the tub. he held onto you to make sure you wouldn’t slip or fall.
“easy, i don’t want you to get hurt.” he bent down just enough to match your height. “hold onto me baby.” you wrapped your hands around his shoulder to give yourself some ground.
you both walk over to your reflections in the mirror next to the sinks as he sits you down on top of the counter. he hands you a towel to get wrapped in, before going to plug in the hairdryer. he turns the dryer on, starting the monotonous sound of air that flowed through the machine.
he comes over to you on the counter, waving the blowdryer in continuous back and forth motions, making sure the dryer wasn’t placed too close to the point it would burn your scalp, but just enough so that you could feel the warmth of the air flow through your hair.
“jake, i can do it myself, you should go shower.” and before you could finish your suggestion, jake quickly protests.
“come on, let your wonderful husband take care of you tonight.” he sulked at the fact that you wanted to take over.
he wasn’t your boyfriend anymore. he wasn’t even your fiancé anymore; which still felt unreal to say when you used that word in reference to jake. he was your husband. it sounded strange to finally hear that word out loud. it was almost like hearing it out loud would confirm that you were now his wife, even though the diamond on your ring finger already beat the word to it.
you’ve come to accept the fact that you wouldn’t be doing anything on your own tonight as jake would insist to do it for you—even though you were capable.
you stared in the mirror, admiring how focused he was on the mundane task of blowdrying hair.
“you’re so cute when you’re focused.” you teased his determination to dry your hair.
“wrong. i’m actually cute all the time.” he corrects you with a subtle smile carved on his lips, as he continued the process.
beside the sound of the dryer, silence filled the room. but silence was never uncomfortable between the both of you. with jake, quiet was never something that demanded for someone to fill it with pointless questions. quiet with jake was simple, familiar, and comforting.
as he finishes, he goes to unplugs the dryer from the worn sockets that looked like they would give out any second. you stand up from the spot you had occupied on the counter, making your way to the closet to put on something comfortable.
you put on some old shorts that you pulled out from the bottom of the drawer. you also pull out a hoodie; your favorite navy blue hoodie from your college days. at the time, it was actually a hoodie that jake forgot at your dorm before it fell into your possession. you slide the oversized fit over your head as it engulfs you in it’s soft fabric, shrinking you almost instantaneously. you walk out into the dark bedroom, only lit by the moon outside the window that spared some of her light. you lay your tired body down onto the bed, sprawling out your limbs as you allow yourself to be swallowed by the cold duvet.
jake appears from the bathroom, leaning against the frame of the door, arms crossed. the fine line between the darkness of the bedroom and warm glow of the bathroom creates a silhouette of jake’s figure. the darkness engulfs him as he walks over to where you laid and bends down to press a light kiss on your temple. “i’m going to shower, i’ll be back soon. don’t wait up for me.” he said before turning back to the bathroom to wash up. as he leaves, you’re alone once again in the bedroom.
you lay your head to your pillow, staring up at the ceiling. the sound of water running in the shower is calming, almost like the counterpart of the white noise playlists you’d play to fall asleep to. you raise your hand up to your face again to make sure you haven’t just been walking aimlessly through someone else’s perfect dream and that you were actually living through it. the diamond still sparkled in the darkness of the night. of course you were amazed at the jewel that sat in between your fingers, but it didn’t defy the testament of love between either of you. the jewel would never be able to truly be able to contain all the love jake had for you. not now, not in a million years, not ever.
you laid there looking up at the ceiling as if you were stargazing. you could feel your eyes getting heavy as your breathing shallowed. before you fully slipped under, you felt the bed dip down beside you.
“you’re still up?” jake’s soft voice whispered as he moved closer toward your person. you barely manage to nod as your body found itself instantly moving closer to his warmth like you were a metal and his body was a magnet. his arms welcomed you, wrapping them around your waist— almost like it was his second nature.
you laid your head against his chest. you could hear his pulse beating ever so slightly. it was just a simple thumping noise, but it was a noise that confirmed this wasn’t just a dream. it was your reality that you were both living. he held onto your hand, lifting it up to his lips to repeat press small declarations of his adoration for you on your knuckles. “i love you so much.” he muttered softly as you were already fast asleep.
the very next week, your bedroom had looked like a combination of a retail and department store had thrown up all over it. you were both packing your bags to go to switzerland for your honeymoon.
“how about this one?” jake sat across from you with his suitcase opened in front of him. he turned his body around, revealing the tragic accessory he had on his head.
“oh my god, jake.. your hat.” you say, almost instantly bursting into full blown laughter when he turned around with a beanie that was far too big for his head.
“why are you laughing? does it look weird..?” he asked genuinely confused as to why you were laughing. you couldn’t even breathe straight as a result of seeing jake in the silly hat.
“i don’t think you should bring that one.” you say, pulling the beanie off his head, moving his hair back to where it used to sit before the hat messed it up. he pouts at unexpectedly being your source of entertainment before asking, “how about this one?” holding up another beanie and slipping it onto his head. this time around, it suited him.
that one is way better.” your fingers adjusted the folded part of the beanie, smoothing out the hem. he smiles at your approval as he continues to pack his bag.
the cold air nipped at your nose while simultaneously numbing your fingers that managed to cling onto the warmth of the hot cup of tea you were sipping on. you stood outside of the isolated cabin taking in the scenery of the swiss alps.
snowy mountains surrounded the tiny wooden cabin, a few spots of green trees poked through the snow blanketed surrounding; signifying other forms of life that weren’t just newlyweds that had arrived the night prior. you look out onto the horizon that looked like it was painted on a canvas as the sun’s light gradually greeted you. you enjoyed the soothing moment that made it feel like the same 24 hours you’ve lived through time and time again had somehow magically slowed down at that very second.
you were joined by someone not long after; feeling another source of warmth as he crept up behind you and enveloped his arms around your figure. the both of you stay stationary for a while, simply enjoying the presence of each other as the sun inched up and out from behind the mountains. he pressed a small kiss onto the top of your head.
“it’s so pretty out here.” you say, finally breaking the silence between you two. jake breathes out, leaving a swirling cloud of cold air behind.
he points out to the wide horizon. “that’s us.” your line of sight follows to where he’s pointing at.
you spot what he’s talking about: two deer together. one is leading the way, while the other is following behind. the deer walking ahead occasionally looks back to make sure the deer following is still there.
you turn to face jake, a bright display of excitement splashed across your face. “look, look at that one!” you grab onto his hand as you point abundantly toward the two deer.
“i know baby, i see.” he laughs at your pure enthusiasm as his lips curve into a love struck grin.
“it must be nice, you know? imagine being so free.” you say referring to the deer. “why is that?” jake questions your sudden comment.
“i, i don’t know. i just think that it must be so nice to be something so innocent. i guess it’s because they don’t have to worry about the stuff we do.” he smiles at your analysis.
you always thought and felt about things deeply and with empathy. even for mundane, normal things that didn’t have a terribly important meaning behind them. that was your way of living: having a special way of being able to find importance and value to just about anything. it was like a magical power that you wielded. jake loved that about you. it could’ve very possibly been the thing he loved most about you. how you had the ability to make his life and world feel bigger.
you made everyday of his life feel like it was the grandest gift anyone could ever receive, and honestly, it really did feel like that everyday that was spent with you.
“hmm. that’s one way to think about it.” he said, resting his chin on top of your head.
“anyways, enough thinking. we should get dressed. we have to get to the skiing resort by 9.” you said, quickly changing the subject as you pulled jake back into the warm cabin.
you both arrive at the ski resort not long after the slow morning— a huge juxtaposition to the once peaceful ambiance.
here, you found yourself and jake falling into the plush snow every few minutes, fighting for a breath of air as you both laughed nonstop.
“jake, you’re going to fall!” you holler as jake slides down the hill, wobbly on his knees.
you hold onto your stomach as a weak attempt to ease it from the hurt that came from laughing too hard.
he screams from the bottom of the hill as he lands butt first into a pile of snow that cushions his fall.
at this point you can almost feel your eyes welling up in tears from the entertainment that came from seeing jake helplessly struggling in the white snow. it didn’t help that his huge puffer jacket made him look like an inflated marshmalllow. you make your way down the hill to meet jake again.
“and you’re just going to stand there and laugh at me?” he states his grievance, lips pouting at your inability to stop giggling.
“yes, i certainly will.” you tease before offering a hand to help jake who is covered in snow— that makes him look like he was dusted with powdered sugar— back up on his two feet.
you’re so mean.” he pouted.
“i’m sorry. i can’t help it when you look so cute struggling.” you say as you could see jake’s expression turn from a sulk into a mischievous smile that you could instantly decode the meaning of.
“no, you wouldn’t dare.” you warn, already knowing the outcome of what’s to come.
“what are you talking about baby?” he acts completely oblivious to his own plan before bending down to grab a fistful of glistening snow into his mittens.
“no.. no, jake, no” your voice gradually begins to introduce a sense of doom as you try to hide from jake. before you could even think of running away, you feel a snowball hit the back of your head. you turn to see jake laughing hysterically, before planning his own escape route.
“jake!” you scream before reaching down at the snow to get your revenge in the form of a huge snowball. jake’s eyes widen at the size of the orb in your hand, almost begging for mercy through his pupils.
“please spare me.. i swear it slipped out of my hands.” he says in an attempt to sway you from launching the snowball that should be considered a weapon by how big it was.
“not a chance!” you holler before aiming the huge snowball toward his back that faced you as he tried to outrun it. it hits him perfectly on the back, causing his to trip into the pillowy snow in front of him. he weakly flips over in the snow, groaning as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
you gasp at the impact, worried that the snowball might’ve actually hurt him. “are you okay? oh my god i’m so sorry jake, i didn’t mean to.” you profusely apologize as you move closer to his figure laid flat on the ground.
“gotcha.” his demeanor quickly fades from the act he had going just a second prior before melting into a teasing smile. he pulls you down with him, leaving you weightless as you don’t expect the sudden movement. you scream as gravity pulls you down. you land right on top of jake as he laughs at how his act had you convinced that he was hurt.
“jake, you scared me!” you hit his chest as if it was a way to get back at him. your shocked expression soon passes as you feel embarrassment wash over you— causing you to give in and laugh with him.
“you know, you’re a good actor.” you say as you pick out the dustings of snow stuck to his hair.
“i had you convinced, didn’t i?” he smirks at his successful performance, pressing a feathery kiss to your temple.
“unfortunately.” you sarcastically agree before rolling right beside him, leaving a you-shaped impression in the snow. at this point in time, bystanders stare at the newlyweds covered in snow and laying flat on the ground as if they had just plummeted out of the sky. it was safe to say that you both looked insane. and it was also safe to say that you both were insane together; almost like a chemistry project gone terribly wrong but also somewhat terribly right at the same time. it was like when you used the wrong formula for a math equation but still ended up with the right answer.
as you laid next to jake, you felt his shoulder nudge yours. “look at this.” his teeth beams a bright smile before waving his legs and arms back and forth in the snow, flinging clouds of glistening snow everywhere.
“come on, join me!” he exclaims as the surrounding snow around him turns into a silhouette of an angel. you absentmindedly follow his lead, creating your own cloud of snow as the ground around you turns into an angel as well. nothing but the precious sound of laughter could be heard within a 1 mile radius of the both of you.
he eagerly stands up to see his creation but not before helping you off the ground. he reaches out a hand to you, helping you to stand up.
“well.. they definitely look like something..?” jake examines the creations in the snow.
“are you sure we didn’t just create the opposite of snow angels?” you say as you try to make out the figures in the snow.
“how did we mess it up so bad?” a hand falls behind his head, scratching it in confusion.
“thank god we didn’t pursue careers as artists.” you say before you both burst into giggles once again.
as you both left behind the snowball fight and botched snow angels on the ground, a man approaches you. he was someone who looked like they’ve lived a full life by how their eyes crinkled at the corner when they grinned and how their smile lines were deep within their gentle expression. he held a huge camera in comparison to his small figure. he waved at the both of you.
“do you want a photo?” he eagerly pointed the camera lens toward the both of you.
“oh, sir it’s okay, we don’t have anything give you.” you frantically try to turn down the man, believing he wanted something else in return.
“don’t worry about it!” he reassured you, signaling for you and jake to get closer for the shot.
“are you sure sir?” you ask once more, feeling bad that you didn’t have anything to give back to the old man.
he doesn’t say anything. he just nods as if to tell you “it’s okay” through just the expression of his eyes. you and jake move closer together, beaming bright smiles in your oversized puffers that definitely take up half the frame of the photo. the man takes the photo before waiting for it to develop. as an image of both you and jake begins to emerge from the film, he smiles wide at the result.
“for you.” he comes closer, placing the photo into your hands. you both look down to look at the photo that’s almost completely matured. the photo turned out beautiful. it had a hazy effect on it, almost like it was taken in a dream by the way it looked like it blurred reality.
“thank you so much! it’s so nice.” you turn to the old man to express your gratitude at the unexpected gesture.
“thank you.” jake thanks the man for the capture.
the old man gives one last nod before walking away in the snow with his huge camera. as the man walks away, slowly turning into a dot in the horizon, jake gently holds the edge of the film photo, picking it up to examine it himself.
in the corner of the photo, read “Für ein schönes Paar” written in black ink that was slightly smudged from his fingerprint.
“i wonder what he wrote on the photo.” jake curiously points to the text in another language. you look at it yourself, now curious to what it says yourself, unaware that it meant, “For a beautiful couple.” in german.
“that was so sweet of him.” you say, still smiling at the interaction. “maybe someone sent him to us.” you said, fully believing that maybe it was fate.
when the sun had began to dim for the day, you both found yourselves walking through town that homed quaint and charming shops. the shops varied from sweet chocolatiers, tiny restaurants with smoke coming out the chimneys, and an abundance of souvenirs shops.
the small shopping center was bustling with crowds; both locals and tourists from all walks of life. christmas lights illuminated the streets as well as lights shining through the display windows of these stores.
somewhere in the distance was the tune of live music playing; almost like it was a soundtrack that played over a movie scene. you and jake walked hand in hand, admiring the ambience that surrounded you both.
“look at that!” and “oh my gosh, over there!” were reoccurring sentences as you were both enthralled about the things you were seeing within the enchanting city.
a bell chimes as you both found yourselves stumbling into a hidden souvenir shop. the shop was filled from ceiling to floor with small treasures; spanning from magnets, postcards with snowy sceneries, keychains and more.
“these postcards are nice. we should send some home, don’t you think?” jake spins the rack of cards around, flipping through the designs.
“yeah, we definitely should.” you haphazardly answer, not fully engaged in the conversation as your attention was quickly drawn to a shelf with carved wooden figures. taking a closer look, you saw a variety of animals in a variety of wood types. you admired them, feeling the roughness of the hand carved wood along your fingers.
jake came up behind you with an abundance of postcards in hand. he joined you in admiring the small carved animal kingdom that stood before you. he picked up one of the wooden pieces, “look, it’s the deer from earlier.”
in his hands he held a small yet detailed piece of two deer, almost identical to the ones you had spotted outside your cabin that very morning. excited at the sight of the deer you immediately make up your mind to purchase them.
“oh my god jake. we have to get these.” you attempt to take the figurines out of his hand but to no avail.
“baby, i don’t think we have enough space in our suitcases for this.” he gently takes back the structure.
“come on jake, i’ll make space in my suitcase.” you plead, trying to get him to agree to buy the wooden deer.
“maybe next time, darling.” he places the deer back into their spot.
you pout, feeling defeated as you move from the wooden animals to go look at some other trinkets in the intriguing shop.
“you’re no fun sim jaeyun!” you roll your eyes and scoff before disappearing between the tall shelves of the store. as you move out of view, a small grin forms on his face as he quickly shuffles to the cashier.
“hi. just, these.” he smiles warmly at the lady at the checkout, unloading the handful of postcards out of his grasp and onto the counter. “and this as well.” he diligently places the two deer that he’d just denied you a few momentns prior next to the postcards.
“could you please wrap the deer for me?” he requests of the lady—a determined look on his face—as she nods, shooting him a friendly smile.
she places the deer into a small box, nicely wrapping the small figures in some craft paper before tying a curly lace bow around the entire thing.
“what are you in switzerland for?” she starts up a conversation.
“oh, just traveling with my wife. we just got married.” he points to the shelves where you were sifting through the trinkets.
“well she’s very beautiful. you got lucky young sir.” she gave jake a wise look. jake takes that look as a sign that he was truly the luckiest man on earth.
she places everything into a small gift bag with the logo of the store stamped right in front of it. “here you are, sir.” she hands him the bag just as you come back from your venture deeper into the shop.
“thank you.” he says to the lady as you link your arm around his.
“what did you get?” you question the bag in his hand, walking outside the door, as you’re both greeted with snowflakes that land gently onto your nose and lashes.
“just some postcards.” he slyly answers, not bringing attention to the two deer wrapped nicely in the bag.
“should we send them later? there’s a post office not far from here.” you turn to admire how the cold made jake’s cheeks and nose rosy.
“that’s a good idea.” he approves before slinging his arm around your shoulder, bringing you closer to his warmth.
“you should send one to jungwon. he loves collecting these types of things.” you suggest that he be one of the recipients of the postcards that jake had bought.
“hmm, i didn’t take him as a person to like these types of things.”
“oh trust me, he’s a sentimental type of guy.” you reassure.
you always noticed and remembered small things about the people you cared for in your life, and jake loved that about you. his expression melted into a lovestruck gaze before he pressed a cheek onto your cheek as you both continued to roam around town.
not long after the gift shop, you wandered into a restaurant that intrigued the both of you because of it’s rooftop that was bustling with live music and patrons that looked like they were having the time of their lives.
you both get seated on the rooftop in a corner that’s isolated from the other people who were also dining. the table overlooked the snowy mountains that contrasted against the sunset that painted the sky in a warm array of pinks, oranges and yellows.
jake pulled out your chair for you, waiting for you to take a seat before he did himself.
once you sat down, jake sat directly across from you.
“what?” a small laugh slips from under your breath as you feel jake staring at you.
you felt yourself getting shy at the sudden and intensely intimate eye contact even though this was your husband and you’ve definitely seen him at in more vulnerable moments.
“nothing. you’re just so beautiful.” he replies, his lips upturned as he continues looking at you.
“is it my beauty or the beauty around me?” you tease, referring to the breathtaking scene that stood behind your figure.
“definitely you. always you.” he quickly answered without hesistation, pulling a strand of away from your face and tucking it behind your ear.
“hmm, i see chivalry isn’t completely dead.” you clink your utensils against your plate as you wait for your food to arrive.
“not as long as i exist.” jake replies with a smug expression while taking a sip of his water.
the sunset fades into a deep navy as night begins to settle. by this point in time, both of you were full off of your dinner. your voices were hoarse from all the laughing done, feeling nostalgic from conversation in which the sentence, “do you remember when,” made an appearance more than it should’ve. both of you were slightly tipsy from the bubbly liquor that was sipped on all night, and lastly, extremely tired from the long day.
“no, i swear that it was jay that hit sunghoon with the ball in the field that day! it was right before prom.” you state, fully convinced that jake had the memory of that day from senior year completely wrong.
“i’m telling you right now, it was the other way around. do you not remember how jay had to walk around with that black eye?” he laughs so hard at how the conversation came to this point.
“whatever you say jaeyun.” your voice in a sing-song tone.
“but i’m always right.” you slip in last moment, making sure you weren’t going to let him win.
“you’re lucky you’re cute.” he says, finally letting you have the last straw. you give a cocky shrug, giggling at how silly the conversation had become.
a moment of quiet fills the air between the both of you as lovestruck glances are exchanged. the sound of laughter quickly joins in as kids run past your table, hands held tight with their parents hands.
you look over to see jake’s eyes soften at the sight. it was like you could see his heart actively melting at the precious moment.
“baby, look. they’re so cute.” your line of sight follows his, meeting the tiny kids with their parents.
“what do you think we’ll be like in five years?” he suddenly asks.
your line of sight returns to his face—his eyes half lidded, sleep laced throughout his expression.
you always thought about your future with jake. you thought about the house you’d live in and you’d even think about how’d you decorate the place. maybe brown curtains? no, too boring. definitely wooden floors. carpet floors just wouldn’t look good. you’d think about how you come home from work, and greet him in the kitchen where he would be cooking dinner for you both. you’d dream about the christmases. decorating the tree together, exchanging gifts next to the fireplace. sometimes if you thought hard enough, you’d be able to feel the heat of the fireplace; almost as if you’d already lived this future with jake.
you’d think about the dinners shared with loved ones, as fancy plates lined the meticulously decorated dining table. or maybe even hearing the doorbell ring repeatedly on halloween night as you both handed out candy to children dressed in their adorable costumes.
but never once did you think about the future in that way.
you never thought about sitting on the bathroom counter as he paced the room, waiting for the results to show up that would read “pregnant.” you never thought about walking through the baby aisles of department stores and shopping for the precious addition to your family. you never visualized what you would look like with a baby bump. you never even thought of what you would name your baby. you never thought about the bright lights of the hospital room as you were getting ready to give birth.
and maybe you were looking into his question too much. maybe he just met in general. but you knew he didn’t. by the way he looked at those kids just now with such adoration for the tiny bundles of joy; you knew he meant that kind of future. it wasn’t like you’d never spoken about having kids with jake before either, but maybe the thought of it being so soon scared you.
you hum out a small sigh.
“i don’t know. maybe we’d get promotions at our jobs. maybe even move out into a nicer home?” you say, voice tinged with a sense of hope as you lips curved at the thought of it.
“that’d be nice.” he looks at you, thinking of his entire future—you’re in every single moment of it.
“maybe we’d look older.” you mention.
“i think maybe we’d have kids. or maybe not.” he says.
you feel your chest tighten at the sound of “kids”. you weren’t opposed to it but you weren’t ecstatic about it either.
“maybe.” you shrug at the idea.
“would you want kids?” he asks again, this time with a more serious tone.
“i don’t know. maybe.” you answer, your tone clearly unsure of your own answer. silence ensues. this time, it isn’t comfortable. in fact, it’s a bit uncomfortable.
“we still have a long time before that. we just got married!” you laugh it off, trying to lighten the once serious mood.
“you’re right.” he lays off the conversation. “but i’m excited. i’m excited it’s with you.” he adds, reaching out to brush his hand over yours.
“me too. i’m excited too, jake.”
a moment of quiet goes by before he turns around and digs in the gift bag from the souvenir shop.
“i got you this.” he places a wrapped box into the hollow of your palms.
“what’s this?” you move the box around your hands, examining it.
“open it and find out.” his lips part and eyes focus on the box as he anticipates you to unwrap it. you eagerly unwrap it as you think about what could possibly be in the box. as you manage to tear off the lace bow and wrapping paper, you look at jake before opening it; almost as if to receive confirmation from him to continue with the unveiling. as you lift the lid off the box, you’re met with the two wooden deer from earlier that sit delicately in between some crumpled wrapping paper.
“oh my gosh, jake.” you gasp as you delicately pick up the deer, shocked at the fact you were holding onto them.
“when did you buy these? i thought you left them behind.”
“i bought them when you were looking at other things.” he admits.
“i thought you said that we didn’t have space in our suitcase.” you say, admiring the deer.
“darling, i wasn’t being serious. i just wanted to surprise you.” he reveals his plan as you look up to see his cheeky expression.
“thank you jake, they’re so beautiful.” you press a light kiss onto his lips as a token of gratitude.
the sentiment was so sweet that you felt your eyes getting watery as your vision started to blur.
“don’t cry over wooden deer.” jake lets out a gentle laugh at how emotional you were getting over inanimate wooden animals.
“oh, i’ll cry over wooden deer.” you join him in laughter as you place the animals down onto the table.
“you know, your big eyes in the store were killing me.” he recounted your pouty expression the store after he denied you the deer.
“i can’t help that i’m so irresistible.”
“my pretty girl is just too hard to say no to.” he leaned in, sprinkling small kisses all over your face.
a few days later you were both back in your home, unpacking your suitcases full of souvenirs and winter clothing. you unpack each bag one by one, tossing clothing into the laundry basket, reorganizing your closet.
you open up one of the boxes and meet the wooden deer once more. you’d almost forgot about them. underneath the box of deer, you find the film photo of you and jake in the mountains that the old man had captured. you run your hands over the smudged ink, tracing the letters as a smile bloomed onto your face without even noticing it.
jake walks into the room, seeing the mess that was unpacking surrounding you. he’d just come from the home office after doing some work on his computer. he leaned against the door frame— his chocolately brown hair was messy, glasses halfway slipping off his nose bridge, while he was dressed in some gray sweatpants with a simple black tee shirt.
“let me help you, baby.” he left the door frame, coming closer toward you to help unpack a suitcase that was like a time capsule of the week prior.
“look, i almost forgot about this.” you hand the photo to him. he lets out a soft sound that isn’t quite a gasp but isn’t far from it either. “we should frame it.”
your eyes lit up at the idea. before you could even reply, you found yourself on your feet and running across the house to the storage closet to find a picture frame.
“what do you think of this one?” you ask jake. he’s barely following behind you jumping from one place to another in the house; completely forgetting about the suitcase that was in desperate need of being unpacked.
“i think you should use that one.” he points to a picture frame tucked in between a bunch of other things in a moving box. your line of sight follows to where he’s pointing at, past the basic frame that you were holding in your hand. you dust off the top of the box as you took out the frame from the cardboard moving box that had definitely seen better days.
“this is perfect.” you exclaim as the frame reveals itself—stained dark wood with gold accents rimming the edges. once again, you were running across the house to the living room to see where on the wall the frame would look best.
“baby, slow down!” jake said, following behind you who moved like she was on a timer. and in some ways, you were on a timer that you were unaware of.
“where would this look best..” your arms hold out the frame moving left to right to find the most suitable position.
“right… there.” jake comes up behind you, his eyes squinted and his hand meeting yours on the frame, guiding them to a spot on the wall. you turn around to press a kiss onto his lips before moving to the empty space on the wall that looked like it was specially made just for that photo in your hands.
you placed it on the wall, backing up to admire it alongside the other photos hanging next to it.
“perfect.” you fall back onto jakes arms as he wraps them around your shoulders.
“and don’t forget this.” jake holds out the deer, placing it onto the shelf hanging above the sofa.
“now it’s perfect.” he moves back, taking in the scenery that stood before you both.
the “new” in the title of newlyweds soon dropped itself as you two just became a married couple. you’ve already been husband and wife for nearly a year now. it no longer sounded strange to refer to jake as your husband outloud anymore. in fact, it sounded quite normal. it rolled off your tongue and had a sweet harmony to it.
marriage was everything you’d wanted, but of course it was challenging and hard, but it was never regretful or painful. jake was always going to be your person, through the really good days and through the darkest days as well.
“baby, you look so stupid.” you’d exclaim in full blown laughter, to the point you’d have to hold onto your stomach to ease it from hurting on movie nights where you both wore skincare masks —that made you look like cartoon animals— with your favorite takeout.
or even as you violently hurled into the toilet after a night out at the club as jake held your hair back. he was always there by your side.
“i’m never.. ever.. drinking again.” you weakly mutter.
you were always there for him as well.
“you’ll do okay, i promise.” you’d tell him as you gave his hand a tight squeeze before he walked out in front of his company to give a speech.
“it’s normal for your wife to take care of her husbad, you know?” you’d say to him as he insisted he was okay and didn’t need help as he was actively burning up with a fever on the sofa—used tissues littered around him.
“but you have work, you can’t just call off.” he tried to make his point.
“i’ll call off when i want to. you’re sick and you need someone to care for you.” you quickly protest his statement before continuing to tend to him; feeding him warm chicken noodle soup while patting down his forehead with a damp towel.
“i love you.” his voice hoarsely yet softly muttered as he was clearly drowsy off of his fever medication. you kiss his temple—unafraid of his illness— before telling him to “get some rest.” you sit right beside him, tracing invisible lines down his back as sleep pulled him right under.
to say the least, the first year of being married was like a dream come true. it was a dream come true. it was everything you’d wanted and more.
the second year was the same. you might’ve even been more in love with him with each passing day, if that was even possible.
the house you shared began to turn into a home. the walls of your home began to fill with recollections of the both of you. walking down the hallway was practically like walking down memory lane by how many photos lined the once barren walls.
it wasn’t just you and jake that had gotten married and began building a future.
by the third year, many of your friends and peers began to start their own future, getting married and even having kids. you’d mindlessly scroll on your phone only to be met with posts that announced how excited your friends were to welcome their new addition to their family.
“we’re so happy to welcome our new bundle of joy” or “we cannot wait to meet you” was almost always the caption for these photos where their belly bump was visible, smiling ear to ear at the news. you were genuinely happy for them, but something deep down made you feel a sense of sadness. a sense of falling behind.
you thought that maybe you’d never be able to make such a grand announcement. were you running out of time? you certainly couldn’t have, you were only in your late twenties. but for some reason you felt like you were being left in the dust. of course you and jake had talked about starting your own family. but it was rare. almost always just a thought that passed in a conversation, instantly dissipating the second it was mentioned.
jake was never really adamant about starting a family, so you just assumed that you were both on the same page.
but people change and what they desire changes.
everytime you attended these baby showers or gender reveals, you’d notice it all. there was a glint to jake’s eyes each time when went with you to these events. a certain longing in his expression that told you everything you needed to know.
he wanted this. he wanted a family with you.
he wanted to hear the innocent and delicate sound of a baby’s laughter in between his arms. to hear the beloved heartbeat of his own child against his ear as he would say, “i can hear their heart” with a smile that beamed so bright. he wanted those christmases to be filled with mini versions of you tearing off the wrapping paper of gifts as the christmas tree illuminated the living room.
it wasn’t because you didn’t love jake or didn’t want a future with him. in fact, that was all you ever wanted.
but with each of these events that you’d attend, the car ride home would be quiet, a contrast to the laughter and excitement in the air at the event prior.
“we’re having a baby girl!” the couple would exclaim, running to each others arms as the pink confetti flew in the air almost like an indirect attack that stung.
a sadness in his eyes that was evident, but never quite present enough to grasp onto. you felt bad.
maybe you were falling behind.
you slide on a red sweater over your head as you contemplate what pants to wear in front of the full length mirror. you hold two options in your hands, moving one option in front of you and then the next one right after.
you finally decide on a pair and slip them on.
as you get finished dressed you move over to the counter that had two sinks.
one was yours that had makeup and skincare products sprawled all over the place while the other was jake’s. his was more simple. just a few skincare products and sometimes a facial razor.
the opposites sides had one thing in common: the toothbrush holder in the middle that housed your toothbrushes.
it was nothing serious. it was just some toothbrushes—a tool that people used to clean their teeth, but you still smiled at the sight of them.
it was something so simple yet so special. it was a symbol that showed how you have both been entwined in each others lives, doing everything together everyday. you were finally a part of the future you had dreamed about for years.
jake walks in as your eyes are opened wide, looking a bit crazy; the result of putting some mascara on. he walks up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as you both admire yourself in the mirror.
“you look beautiful.” he presses a small kiss into your hair that smelt faintly of vanilla.
“thank you baby.” you say, returning a kiss on the sharp of his jawline as you continued your makeup.
“i’ll be done in a second.” you say to jake as he walks away and into the closet.
“no rush darling.” he sifts through the hanging sweaters in the closet, diligently looking for the perfect one.
tonight was jay’s annual winter dinner. you all attended his party every year since you were in your twenties. it was like a reunion each year for everyone to just settle down and enjoy each other’s presence at the end of a very long year. you and jake always looked forward to it. this was the first year back since his wife and him were expecting a baby girl last christmas. everyone was excited to finally be able to meet his daughter who was now a year old.
you sat in the car as jake drove to jay’s house for the party.
“are you excited?" he asks, eyes focused on the road with one hand resting on your thigh. the car's speed eases down as he exits the highway.
“yeah, i am. we haven’t seen him in a while.”
“i know right. i wonder what everyone else is up to.” he says, gently steering the wheel with one hand, turning into the neighborhood that jay lived in.
as you both arrived, cars lined the street as bright christmas lights lit up jay’s home.
it was like déjà vu hit each time you came to his house. this would be your sixth year attending this winter party. you could vividly recall each time you’ve been to this party too.
jake rung the doorbell as you both stood in front of the entrance, quietly anticipating for someone to open the door. a second passes before a familiar face appears.
“you guys made it!” jay exclaims as he opens the door, giving both of you a warm hug.
“it’s good to see you.” you say, patting his back as you detach from the friendly embrace.
“good to see you jay. how’s your wife doing?” jake hands jay a gift bag.
“she’s doing well, she’s sitting over there with our baby girl.”
jake’s expression lit up the second she saw jay’s adorable daughter sitting in her mother’s lap. the three of you moved from the entrance and to the living room where everyone was hanging out.
the room bursts into exclamations of “hi!” and “how are you guys doing?” when you both entered.
“y/n! hi!” you hear a familiar voice shout out from the crowd in the living room.
“yunjin!” you gasp as you run over to hug her.
“i haven’t seen you in forever! how are you?” she asks as you sit in the vacant spot next to her on the sofa. you both begin to catch up on each others lives as jay and jake sit down across from you both, right next to jay’s wife.
“guys, come meet my daughter.” jay announces as a crowd forms around his baby girl.
“she’s adorable.” yunjin says, pinching at the baby’s chubby cheeks.
“do you want to hold her?” jay offers jake.
“can i really?” jake asks with a tone that’s almost scared of handling such a delicate being.
“of course you can.” jay says as he gently places his daughter into jake’s soft and gentle arms.
as soon as jake held onto the tiny little human being, his expression melted immediately. it was like his second nature with how natural he was when holding jay’s baby girl.
“she’s an angel.” jake says, his gaze laced with pure adoration as he looks at the cutest baby on earth.
“look, she’s smiling.” his lips turn into a pout as he rocks her back and forth gently.
“she likes you.” jay says admiring the scene in front of him.
“oh my gosh, she’s so precious.” jake couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. seeing jake handling jay’s girl with such care had you swearing that you could feel your heart melt right there and then.
but for some reason during such a sweet moment, you couldn’t help but feel your heart suddenly ache. it was like you could feel it crack inside of your chest the longer you looked at jake hold onto jay’s baby.
it was like jake was made to be a father, the way he looked at jay’s girl like she was his own. how his eyes filled with pure joy and love as he held onto the delicate bundle of life.
you’d never be able to give him that life.
you could feel yourself getting genuine ill at the thought of it.
“alright guys, baby girl has to go to bed now.” jay’s wife came to take the sleepy baby to her nursery.
jake gently let go of the baby from the grasp of his arms as his expression still beamed at how adorable she was.
“i think i might be getting baby fever.” he mutters to you— a small laugh laced in between the words. he’s completely unaware of the emotional turmoil occurring within you. you don’t even manage to respond. you just nod—almost robotically—as you try to process the strange feeling within you.
“i need a moment.” you abruptly dismiss yourself from the room before running into a nearby bathroom.
you lock the door behind you. you could almost swear that everything became quiet around you as the sound of the lock clicking behind you was louder than anything you’ve ever heard before.
your breathing hitched as you felt your body heat up. you didn’t even understand why you were seizing up like this. “breathe. take a deep breath.” you try to calm yourself to no avail. you clench onto your chest, trying to ground yourself in what seems like hell on earth.
“are you okay?” a muffled voice asks from the other side of the door.
a second goes by before you can even manage to answer.
“yeah. yeah i’m okay.” you answer, your voice barely able to form a coherent sentence through your panicked breathing.
you turn on the faucet and rapidly begin to splash water on your face to bring yourself back to a sense of normalcy if that was even possible.
the realization hit you and it hit you hard. you didn’t want to have kids. but it wasn’t like you were a psychopath who claimed to have hated kids either. no, you could never ever do that.
you grew up with a young mother who left her entire life behind to raise you and your siblings. maybe that’s where it stemmed from.
when you’d listen to your mother speak about her dreams and aspirations that she gave up when she found out she was pregnant with you, all you felt was guilt.
would her life be different if you were never born? would she be pursuing all her dreams if you were never born? what kind of person would she be if she didn’t give up her entire future for yours?
it wasn’t like she regret any of it though. she wouldn’t had wanted it any other way. she says you were her new dream.
but even then, you swore that you’d your life out the way you wanted to. live your life the way your mother never could.
maybe she could live out her dreams through you.
you managed to calm down enough, finally catching your breath as water dripped down your chin.
“you’re okay.” you say one last time looking at the mirror before walking out the bathroom like nothing happened.
everyone was now at the dining table, ready to eat dinner. everyone seemed to be having a good time. jay, sunghoon and jake sat next to each other probably bickering about something stupid from the past, sunoo and jungwon sat next to each other talking about something that was inaudible from where you stood.
“over here!” yunjin and chaewon shoot a smile at you, waving for you to come join them at the empty seat next to yunjin. your lips curve into a weak and defeated smile as you move over to the empty seat.
“you okay?” yunjin immediately catches on to your sudden shift in mood.
“i’’m fine.” you reply almost instantly—a dead giveaway that you weren’t fine at all.
jake looks at you from across the table, smiling and unaware of what just happened in the bathroom. you lips smile back, but your eyes say otherwise.
the rest of the night is spent with a raging war in your mind as everyone continues like nothing is wrong. it was like a slap in the face the way the world continued to spin as yours came crashing down.
throughout the dinner jake glances at you often. at first he shoots friendly glances at you, playfully kicking your feet underneath the table. but as the dinner goes on, he notices your mood declining.
he notices the slight frown on your face the entire time and how you don’t return the small kicks underneath the table. he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to make a scene at the table. he knew just how much you hated unwanted attention.
the night ended swiftly as you manage to conceal your turmoil pretty well from everyone else.
you and jake make your way to the door as jay has one last conversation with jake before you both leave into the dark midnight.
“can we be expecting a baby next year?” jay asks jake.
“maybe man, we’ll see.” he pats jay on the back, as he walks out the door with you.
“hey, don’t be a stranger okay? i’ll see you both next time.” jay gives you both a hug before waving bye.
“for sure.” jake returns his wave as you both step into the car.
jake starts the car and begins the drive home.
the tension is thick as a deafening silence falls between you two. the only thing you could hear was the tires against the concrete road; they made a noise that could lull you straight to sleep.
you pick at the skin on your fingers as you look out the window.
“did you have fun tonight?” jake asks, his tone cautious.
“yeah. a lot of fun.” you reply. it comes out colder than you mean it to.
that’s the last word exchanged between the two of you the entire car ride home.
jake drives into the driveway as he puts the car in park and turns the engine off.
“sweetheart, we’re home.” he gently nudges your shoulder to wake you up.
you jolt out of your sleep, unaware your arrival at home.
you immediately remember earlier at jay’s bathroom the second you open your eyes and your mood becomes spoiled once again.
you both walk into the empty home that’s dim but not totally dark.
“do you want to watch a movie?” jake walks into the kitchen, looking in the pantry for some popcorn. it was tradition that you and jake watch a christmas movie after jay’s party.
“i think i’m just going to shower and go to sleep.” you kick your heels off and walk straight to the bathroom.
at first, in the party, he chalked it up to you just being tired; but now, jake immediately knew that something is terribly wrong. you never say no to movie nights.
he quickly follows your path into the bathroom.
“baby, what’s wrong? you’ve been acting weird all night.”
you’re balled up on the bathroom floor, head tucked in your knees as you quietly cry. jake crumbles at the sight of seeing you sad. he kneels right next to you, his hand rubbing your back.
it starts off as a small cry, something to just make you feel better.
then a guttural sound leaves your body. you don’t even expect it yourself. you’re now sobbing uncontrollably as pain makes itself known from within your body, ripping through your ribs and past your chest.
at first, jake looks at you, doing nothing. not because he didn’t care, but because he froze at the sight of seeing the girl he loved most in the world suffering in front of him.
he shared your pain, feeling it radiate throughout his body, but he had to be strong for the both of you.
jake wraps his arms around your frail figure, hand rubbing comforting circles on your back. “i got you baby. let it all out.” he reassures you, allowing you to fully express your emotions.
a while goes by before you finally manage to catch your breath. even after your breathing returns to normal, you don’t speak for a long time.
“do you want to talk about it?” jake rubs your shoulders, as you rest your head in his neck. you nod side to side to tell him no.
“it’s okay darling. take your time.” he means it. he stays with you on the cold bathroom floor for what seems like an eternity. then you speak, cutting through the silence in the bathroom. your voice hoarse and cracking through the broken sentence.
“jake. i’m so sorry.” you apologize.
“don’t apologize baby. what are you sorry for?” he lifts your chin so that you’re looking at him. his eyebrows furrow at the sight of seeing you so distraught. he wipes the slick tears out from under your eyes, cupping your cheeks as he kisses your temple.
“bad for what baby? you did absolutely nothing wrong.” he tries to offer you some comfort from what’s bothering you.
then you finally ask him.
it catches him off guard. “sweetheart, why are you asking this so suddenly?” he’s confused at your question.
“do you want kids?” you repeat yourself.
“yes, i do.” he answers without hesitation. those three simple words strung together felt like a dagger through your heart.
your calmed state is ruined once again as you feel tears prick your warm cheeks.
“my love, please tell me what’s wrong.” he returns to wiping your tears that won’t stop flowing.
“i just.. the way you looked tonight.”
“the way you looked so happy holding jay’s baby.”
“i can’t give you that jake.”
“what are you even talking about?” he’s unaware of what you mean by “i can’t give you that”.
“i don’t want kids jake.” you finally admit. it feels like a bullet through your chest as you finally say it out loud.
and in that very moment it felt like your heart had stopped and you had died in his arms. a complete flatline. a haunting stagnant beeping noise.
he doesn’t answer your question for what seems like a million years. you see his expression turn into hurt that’s barely readable, but it’s there and it’s alive. your mind had began going through ridiculous thoughts as you’d almost think he’d blow up right there like a stick of dynamite.
jake would never in a million years be mad at you for anything, so you knew that your mind was just being irrational and that he just needed a second to process the situation for himself.
“and that’s completely okay.” he reassures you after a period of silence.
“i see how happy you are just thinking about it.” your tears continue to flow uncontrollably.
he lets out a chuckle as he holds onto your shoulders, titling your chin up to see your beautiful face. “breathe baby.” he guides you to inhale and exhale.
“i’m not shallow. if you don’t want kids, then forget about what i want.”
“i just want you to be happy.” he reassures you.
“but jake, it hurts so bad.” you sniffle as you rest your head against his sleeve.
“you’re what’s important to me.” his words provide comfort to your once aching heart.
and you want to believe him so bad, but the visions of how happy he looks at even the mention of starting a family still pricks you like a million needles through your skin.
“what’s it going to take to see my beautiful girl again?” he moves the hair stuck to your face by your tears out of your face, letting the bathroom light illuminate your features.
“i know she’s hiding in there somewhere.” he begins to pepper multiple kisses all over your face in an attempt to cheer you up.
you fail at suppressing a smile as it slips out and presents itself faintly on your lips.
“there she is.” he kisses you on the lips.
the night ends with you taking a hot shower to ease your mind that had a million thoughts running rampant through it before joining jake in bed. you slide onto your side of the bed, leaving just enough distance between you and jake. you face your back toward jake as he stares at the back of your head expecting you to turn around.
“i know you’re upset baby, but i’m not going anywhere.” he says, wrapping his arms around your waist.
you give in and turn to face jake.
“it’s always you. i’m always going to choose you over everything.” he admits his truth, pulling you closer to his chest.
he leaves kisses on the top of your head, rubbing small circles on your hip.
“i love you more than you know.” he says before lulling to you to sleep with his delicate touch.
he stays in the same spot for a long time after you are fast asleep in his arms. a million thoughts run through his mind. maybe now it has just hit him that he wasn’t going to ever have his own family. it aches his heart. it’s like someone is tugging at it, threatening to tear it right out his chest. he needed to be strong for the both of you earlier, but now that you were sleeping and he was alone, he quietly wept as the only witness to it all, the moon, provided her comfort and solace through the window. he cries until he feels nothing left to shed. he feels numb. it was as if he’d been hollowed out from inside his body. he felt empty. he’d stare at the wall for a little while more until sleep finally arrived and took him away from the painful truth.
the morning after is eerily silent. you wake up to a dark and cold room. it’s almost as if someone had drained your entire world of its saturation.
your senses are disoriented as you look around to observe your surroundings. your head pounds like someone is clanging drums in your ears. you’re slightly sweaty, your are palms damp.
it’s not the type of sweat you experience after a long workout; it’s the type of sweat that leaves a cold sheen sheathed on every inch of your skin.
you look down at your left hand and frantically search for the sparkling jewel between your fingers to make sure this wasn’t a nightmare you’d been cursed to living in.
the ring sat right there on your left hand just like it always has for the past three years. you take a breath. then, you turn around to jake’s side of the bed.
it’s empty. he isn’t there. you could almost still see an imaginary outline of where he was supposed to be. your eyes wander further until they reach the nightstand on his side of the bed where your eyes caught a glint of silver; his wedding band sat alone on the bare nightstand. your once steady breath hitched at the sight. you quickly unraveled yourself from the cold duvet and got out of the bed.
as you pass the mirror in the hallway, you see the remnants of the night prior. your eyes were puffy and red from all the crying you had done.
the rest of the house is the same as the bedroom: gray, cold and lifeless. no sight of jake around.
your mind would start to believe that something bad had happened.
you sit on the sofa, knees to your chest, picking at the skin on your finger.
five minutes pass by but you could’ve swore it was three hours by how slow it felt.
you hear a familiar rustling at the front entrance and before you could even fully register it, you run straight to the door. you didn’t even take the time to process if it was even jake at the door. for all you could’ve know it could’ve been a burglar. the door opens up to jake with coffee cups in one hand and a few paper bags in the other.
you immediately fall into him, wrapping your arms around his frame, nuzzling your head into his warm chest—a contrast to the cold house without his presence. it was as if he’d dissipate into nothing but just a mere memory of someone if you dared to let him go, so you held on even tighter.
it was so sudden that he nearly tipped over, the coffee sloshing around the styrofoam cups.
“woah, baby, what’s wrong?” jake holds onto you, his arms wrapped around your waist. you back away slowly, realizing that he was in front of you and real. not a dream. he was warm and living.
“i just, i just missed you.”
he lets out a small sigh that’s laced with a hint of laughter.
“darling, i only left to get us some breakfast.” he ran his hands through your hair.
“did you miss me that much?” he titled your chin up so he could look at you.
“i was just scared you had left me.” you weakly admit. his gaze immediately softened upon hearing your answer.
“darling, i could never leave you.” his hand cupped your face as he pulled your head back into his chest.
“i don’t want you to ever think that i’d do that.” he left a kiss onto your hair. you calm down at the genuineness of his words. then you remember.
“why is your ring on the nightstand?”
“i had just taken it off to clean it but i forgot about it after i had left to get us breakfast.” he explains—almost like an alibi—handing you your coffee cup and a paper bag.
now, you just felt embarrassed at the sudden outburst you had. you were overthinking every little detail. you were afraid that he’d disappear into the night because maybe you weren’t enough for him.
“your favorite.” he smiled as you opened up the brown crumpled bag. it was your favorite pastry from the cafe down the street.
“just something to cheer you up.” he looked at you diligently unwrapping the pastry, making sure he’d chosen the right one even though he knew he did.
you take a bite of the pastry; the first bite of anything since yesterday evening. you didn’t even know you were starving until you finally tasted the sweet pastry on your tongue.
jake slides into a chair right in front of you across the table. his mouth looks like it’s on the fence of simultaneously opening to say something but also staying closed to protect both of you.
he approaches the conversation like he’s walking on eggshells. “do you want to talk about yesterday..?” he says it quick but also loud enough for you to hear.
you stop for a moment. “sure.” you agree to the conversation.
you run your hands against the fuzzy texture of your sweater, occasionally picking at the loose hem of the sleeves. then, you begin to pour your heart out in front of him.
“i’ve thought about it a lot.” your tone low and heavy, breath slightly wavering.
“i just don’t think starting a family is something i want.” you honestly admit to jake who’s listening attentively.
hearing it out loud again could almost bring you back to the mess of last night. he reaches his hand across the table, holding onto yours.
“but what do you want jake?” you wait for him to respond.
it takes a minute before he finally answers.
“i won’t lie to you. i do want a family.” his answer reopens the cut again. it wasn’t the answer that you wanted to hear, but the one that you had expected.
“but if you don’t want to, then that’s the end of the conversation.” he rubs invisible circles onto your palm.
“do you still want a future with me?” your question hurts jake more than it does you.
“of course i do. you’re my dream darling. we’re in this together.” he brings your hand to his lips, kissing each of your knuckles.
you should feel relieved, right? maybe this is where you leave it behind and just continue to live as if this wasn’t a wrench in the entire plan. maybe this was some sick and cruel joke the universe had been entertaining.
“it’s going to be okay.” you repeated in your head.
“this is just a minor thing that we’ll overcome.” you tried to convince yourself.
but it just made everything worse.
could’ve it been better if jake just left you and never came back? you couldn’t feel anything but agony at what should’ve been your saving grace.
you felt extremely selfish.
you not wanting to start a family meant that he would never be able to have his own baby.
and he said it was okay, but you knew it wasn’t. it would kill you both in the end.
jake didn’t deserve this and neither did you.
after that, you and jake tried to be normal.
it was now your fourth year of marriage; your last year together.
it was your most challenging one yet.
you grew distant, trying to protect your heart while jake tried to chase after something that kept slipping from his grasp. it was an exhausting game of cat and mouse. miscommunication and nights of constant back and forth estranged you.
but love never failed. never once did it turn its back on you, even on the quiet nights spent with your backs faced to each other. he never stopped. when it came to you, jake’s love was unconditional; both on the emotionally tough nights and on the really good days too.
“we’ll be okay.” would be the one of the false promises that would attempt to save the slowly sinking ship that was your marriage with sim jaeyun; but even then, it was like putting a bandage on a bullet hole—eventually someone was going to bleed out.
you began to withdrawal from seeing your friends. declining invitations to baby showers and gender reveals that never seemed to waver. you started making up excuses that had no real foundation. you couldn’t bare to see what you couldn’t give to jake.
and you knew he couldn’t bare to admit it to you, but he still held onto the hope that maybe one day he would have his own children. you saw the way his eyes lit up when he saw his baby nephews and nieces. the way he look like he’d been carved out to be a dad by how natural he looked with a kid wrapped around his shoulders. you saw the way his gaze saddened when he came to the realization he’d never be a dad. not if he stayed with you at least.
you told yourself it would be okay over and over again. you tried to hold onto the fraying ends of the marriage until it finally unraveled into nothing but loose strings. you really tried to hold onto hope.
jake’s your dream. he was everything you wanted. you pictured your entire future together with him. you’d visualize what you’d both look like once you were a bit older with gray hair and your skin all wrinkly.
you couldn’t shake the feeling of constantly feeling selfish for being someone that didn’t allow jake to experience that in his life.
and maybe you should’ve stayed selfish. hold onto jake for as long as you could. but you knew you could never. you loved him too much to let him stay with someone who couldn’t give him what he needed. and you knew if you stayed you’d live a life where you felt like you always owed him something—even if though he never made you feel that way— it would kill you.
the thought of it crept onto you silently. it was like a silent disease that plagued you without you even noticing that it had started.
if you stayed, he’d never be able to hold onto the warmth of a real and breathing being. he wouldn’t ever name his precious baby. never sing them to sleep in his quiet and comforting voice. never hear their innocent laughter.
you’d imagine how your baby would look like. maybe they would have your eyes. wistful. you’d hope they would have jake’s smile. his smile was warm and inviting. maybe they would have your laugh. would they talk to all their pets in the way jake did? gentle and kind? they’d definitely be sensitive like you.
you could almost see it and feel it. maybe you were already living it and this was just a long nightmare you’ve yet to wake from. maybe jake and your child was waiting to unwrap christmas gift with you in the living room. but you knew it wasn’t a nightmare, it was your reality.
you’d never be their for their firsts; first breath, first word, first steps, first day at school, first kiss, first heartbreak. you’d never attend your child’s school recitals and wave to them from the audience. never spend vacations together at the beach as a family. never call out for them on their graduation day.
soon, jake would just be someone who was your dream.
you sat across from jake with only the dim overhead light providing some warmth to the cold conversation that was going to ensue.
he looked at you with a bright smile and hopeful eyes that physically made your heart ache. he made it so much harder for you without even noticing.
was this a sign that you should’ve just dropped it? keep on pretending that this life was okay?
“i don’t think i can do this anymore.” your words finally form, crashing down like rain after a drought.
“what do you mean?” jake’s expression falters. he knows exactly what you mean.
you physically freeze at the resonance from the string of words. the silence amplified itself in the room. you could quite literally hear a pin drop against the hardwood floor.
“i can’t be with you anymore.” you repeat yourself, this time in different wording as if it’ll make jake finally understand. he quietly laughs and definitely not in a funny manner, but in a way that reads: i’m trying to cope with my entire world crashing down on me.
“you don’t mean that.” his tone is laced with denial.
“please tell me you don’t mean that.” this time his tone is desperate for a soothing answer that he’ll never get.
you don’t cry. you don’t even look at him.
“it’s not fair to you.” you shamefully admit.
then he explodes, but not aggressively. never aggressive.
“do you think it’s fair to me when you think you can make these decisions yourself? what about me?” his words cut straight through your heart.
your face heats up as your throat tightens. your head looks down into your lap while your lip quivers. tears begin to roll down your cheek even if you don’t mean them to.
you had meant to be stronger than this.
“i can’t be selfish any longer jake. it’s killing me. i’m going to die if i stay with you.” your voice screams out, cracking in the middle of the sentence.
“how do you think i feel? i’m feel like i’m dying everyday i’m here yet i still stay. for us.” his tone gets louder as he paces the living room.
“i don’t want anyone but you, don’t you get it?” he comes back to the table, putting both his hands onto the tabletop as if it’ll help him in this situation.
“you shut me out so many times when all i needed was you.” he confesses.
it rips your heart out. he wasn’t wrong. you had been distancing yourself. it was like you weren’t really there; like you’ve been living as a ghost of yourself. you never smiled genuinely anymore. you haven’t felt anything but numbness lately either.
you’re a mess at this point, tears slick on your cheek as you prayed to some higher being to open up a hole beneath your feet that would swallow you whole. here you were again, about to shut him out once more.
“i, i need to leave.” you get up from your spot, and walk over to the entrance where your car keys laid. jake followed behind you as he reached out to grab your arm in attempt to stop you.
“don’t do this to me. please.” his voice despaired, eyes desolate.
you don’t even turn back. you knew if you looked back and saw how he looked you would never be able to leave. you slide from his grip and walk out to your car.
the walk to the car feels unreal. your feet move before your mind even thinks about your next step. you nearly crumble right there in your driveway but you don’t. you get in the car. you don’t know if you’ll even get there in one piece but you start the engine anyways.
your body immediately goes into autopilot. you don’t even have the chance to process what just happened. you don’t know where you’re headed, but you just drive and drive. you drive until you find yourself on a familiar path. you definitely drive over the speed limit and maybe even run a stop sign or two, but you don’t care enough to even notice.
somehow you manage to drive yourself to your parents home—a two hour trip from where your house with jake was. you still remember the way around town like the back of your hand even though you haven’t been back in forever. the last time you truly drove around your home town was when you were in highschool. that was 12 years ago.
you park in the driveway of your parents home. their cars sat outside the house. the same ones from 12 years ago. for a second you’re transported back to senior year. the front porch where you first saw jake with your best friend. he was the boy next door who had your heart beating out your chest everytime you saw him from your bedroom window.
as you walk to the front door, someone stops you before you can walk into the house. “sweetheart! what are you doing here?” a familiar voice calls out. it’s not your mother or your father. you turn to the source of the voice. it was jake’s mom.
his parents still lived in the house right next to yours.
you’re caught by surprise at the sudden greeting. you haven’t seen her since christmas a few months ago.
“what’s wrong darling? you look shocked.” she laughs at how jumpy you seemed, unaware of how you just broke her son’s heart into a million pieces two hours prior.
“i’m just.. just visiting my parents.” you convincingly lie to her, forcing a small smile that doesn’t reach your eyes.
“you should’ve told me you were visiting! i would’ve baked your favorite.” her smile is genuine and soft—just like jake’s.
“but, where’s jaeyun?” she finally notices his absence.
“oh, he’s home. just me today.” you let out a small non humorous chuckle.
“oh that boy. i can’t believe he left you to come down here by yourself! a whole two hour drive.” she sighs as she makes a tsking noise with her lips.
“well, come to me if you need anything, okay darling?” she pats your back, giving you a warm hug before leaving to go into her house. you weakly nod, giving her a smile that doesn’t fully reach your eyes.
you stand in front of the door of your childhood home and knock three times. one knock isn’t enough; it leaves too much chance for someone to just ignore it or believe that they were just hearing things. two isn’t balanced. three is just right.
you stand in front of the door anticipating. your mother opens the door, not fully facing the door.
“may i help you?” she asks before she realizes who’s standing in front of her.
“sweetheart, what are you doing here?” her voice clearly sounds shocked.
just the sight of her makes you crumble. you start sobbing out what you’ve bottled up for the past two hours and fall right into her arms.
“i missed you so much mom.” you weep into her soft sweater that smelled of her. a warm and comforting scent.
she doesn’t ask anything else. it’s like she knows without you even saying a word—you are her daughter overall. she understands you even when you don’t understand it yourself.
your dad is in the kitchen when he notices it’s you at the front door and not just a delivery person.
you lay in the living room, just the same as when you left it 12 years ago to go to college and then eventually into your own place.
“oh my sweet girl.” your mom holds you in her arm as she places light kisses into your hair. you’re crying in her arms, eyes stinging from how many tears you’ve shed after telling her everything.
she knows better than to offer you advice. she knew that all you needed was someone to hold you. not words, nor criticism. just a warm touch to remind you that it would all be okay at the end.
your father who never shows any emotion silently weeps for you as he feels your pain like it’s his own.
and in that moment it was just the three of you: your mother, your father and you. just like how it was before you were ever head over heels for the boy next door.
you try to skip dinner but your mother insists you eat something. you listen although you’d rather be in your room alone. you take maybe three full bites of your food before you’re scraping the same spot of the plate over and over again. to be frankly honest, you just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.
after a unfulfilling dinner where no words were exchanged but just careful glances between your mother and father, you walk upstairs to your room. walking down the hall is like walking down memory lane. as you walk up to the door of your room you notice the markings on the frame; rainbow lines that marked on the frame with dates and heights showing how tall you were. now, you stood slightly taller than you did when you left 12 years ago.
you open the door and it’s like you walked into a time machine by how everything was exactly the same. the unappealing teal color of your walls was the first thing you noticed—it was the trend at the time. then you notice some fairy lights wrapped around your bed frame. right above your bed were crinkling posters of your favorite music bands. then, you spot photos plastered all over a cork board sitting stationary above the desk.
you lay down on your bed. the sheets smell slightly stale with a hint of that cheap bath and body works body mist you’d used religiously in your senior year of highschool—it was probably cucumber and melon scented.
you stare up at the ceiling as your vision started to blur the details in your room into one hazy memory.
your mom walks in and sits beside you. she runs her hands through your hair like she’ll find an answer to the question of “why is this happening to me?” in it.
“maybe a warm shower will help you.”
you look at her, almost on the verge of being offended.
“are you saying i smell bad?” you say, embodying the same angsty and moody teenager you were 12 years ago.
you get a small laugh out of her. she hasn’t totally lost you yet.
“of course not. i’m just saying, it might make you feel better darling.” she was right. she always was.
you stood in front of the hot water for what seems like an eternity. you were done with your shower nearly half an hour ago, but stayed in the shower for longer just to feel the warmth on your skin. just to feel something other than an aching pain that radiated from within your chest and banged on your ribs, desperately pleading to be let out.
“fuck.” you muttered. you were now wrapped in a towel in the middle of your room, water getting everywhere on the floor as you bent down above your drawer searching for any pajamas that would fit you. you pull out a set of pajamas from the bottom of your drawer; it was a matching set with some weird design on it that was the trend in the 2010s. they’ll do for now you guess. you put them on, dry your hair with your hot pink blowdryer from your sophomore year of highschool—that somehow miraculously still works—and brush your teeth.
you lay back down on your bed. this time you notice the glow in the dark stars across your ceiling. you vividly remember the day you put them on too. jake had come over to help you. this was before you were even dating, before you even realized that you had a huge crush on the sweet boy next door.
before you could be taken away by sleep who was forgiving, unlike your harsh reality, you suddenly plug in your phone whose battery has been dead since you arrived back in your home.
the phone chimes as it comes back to life.
in fact, the second it receives even 1% of battery, it chimes nonstop.
you already know why it’s flashing notifications nonstop, and you try to stop yourself from checking them but you just can’t.
you lift up the phone to see at least 100 missed calls and messages—if not more— from jake.
“i’m so worried about you”
“ive been looking for you all over town”
“just let me know you’re safe.”
22 missed calls from jake
you read each message as it pierces you through the heart, practically bleeding you out dry.
once again, tears well up in your eyes.
you can’t explain yourself. you can’t even begin to search for words to try to explain why.
“i’m safe. at my parents tonight.” you type a short but straightforward message before turning your phone off again.
you stare at the ceiling for at least hour before sleep finally drifts over you, pulling you into an alternate reality in which everything was perfectly normal.
you wake up from your slumber and for a split second you’re confused as to why you’re in your childhood bedroom. then you remember the bitter reason why.
“sweetheart, are you awake?” your mother’s familiar voice shouts from downstairs.
you’re barely conscious, your voice still swirling with sleep.
“yeah, i’m awake..” you mutter just barely audible enough to reach the kitchen.
“come down, i cooked some breakfast.” she announces as the smell of freshly cooked pancakes fill the air.
suddenly you’re your 18 year old self again.
the sun shined through your curtains like it was just some random weekend in highschool.
it felt like you just came home from a football game last night where you and your best friends sat in the bleachers complaining about some ridiculous physics test.
or maybe from a late night drive where you stopped at the diner to get a cherry coke.
but no. this wasn’t highschool. it was 12 years in the future. you had just slept in your childhood bedroom while your entire life felt like it was crumbling down.
you stumble downstairs as your mother sees you. “my god.. you look just like when you were 18.” your mother waves her hand at the girl standing in front of her with old pajamas that fit a little weird.
you take your seat at the table. you always sat in the right corner for some reason. it was your reserved spot even when you weren’t there to take it.
“feeling better?” your mother asks as she sets a stack of pancakes in front of you that you definitely won’t finish, but appreciate the thought anyways.
“i guess so.” you nod, unsure of your own answer. she doesn’t say anything. she just looks at you with caution like you’re a statue made of ice and her eyes are lasers.
your father had gone to work earlier that morning so it was just you and your mom at the table. it was quiet. no words were exchanged but a few brief glances. you take a couple of bites before you find yourself moving the remaining pancakes around your plate, poking at them with your fork. “i’m guessing that’s enough for you.” your mother takes the unfinished plate that sat in front of you away.
you can feel her eyes burn holes into your head, but you refuse to look up. “let’s get from fresh air.” she patted your back to stand up. you hesitated before standing, allowing her to guide you to the porch in your backyard that overlooked a quaint garden. your mother always loved to garden, so naturally, any vacant plot in your home was graced by her hobby.
a slight crisp breeze passes through your hair as clean air filled your lungs— it was almost purifying. you walk out from under the awning, allowing the sun to finally hit you after what seemed like a million years in the darkness. the warmth of the skin rays danced gently on your bare skin.
you walked over to the white metal seating that has slightly rusted from weather overtime. it was placed between flower beds and a huge willow tree that overlooked the seating. the hanging leaves of the tree moved with the breeze like it was one with the wind. you run your hands past the rough bark of the tree. it has grown with you throughout the years and if anything, the tree has seen every major moment in your life. whether it was because you failed a test or because of days that felt like was the worst day of your life; you’ve cried more times than you could count under the shade of the tree. you’ve shared laughter, and experienced heartbreak under this tree. you even realized maybe you were actually wrong in the argument with the boy next door, frantically finding a way to make up with him. you even kissed the boy next door as he finally confessed his true feelings for you, all under this exact willow tree.
you sit down on the chair, your mother following with two cups of some herbal tea she always seemed to be sipping on. she sits down right next to you. she doesn’t speak yet. neither of you exchange words as you both just admire the floral scenery sat in front of you.
“how do i know i’m not completely ruining everything?” your words cut through the breeze.
she sighs. not disappointed, but like her mind is running through a word bank, making sure to find the right thing to say to a situation that didn’t even have an answer that made sense.
“i’m not here to tell you what’s wrong or right. that’s not my decision to make for you.” she sips on the cup of tea before continuing. “but i know one thing. you need to live for yourself.” she sets the cup down before turning from the garden to look at you.
you continue looking out into the garden, not daring to look at your mother because you knew the second you did you’d cry all over again. “i’m just so scared.” you admit quietly. not weakly but defeated. “how could i just leave behind my entire life on a random tuesday?” you say, playing with the handle of the untouched cup of tea that’s gone cold by now. your mother looks at you like she’s seen this film before and knew the ending all too well.
“sometimes that’s the only way out. to just leave out the door and have hope. that’s the funny way of life.” she explains like it’s some sick joke the universe is playing on you and it’s normal—expected even. like it was the ending you’d get no matter what you did to try to stop it.
you laugh at the cruelty of it all. “if i leave.” you correct yourself. “when i leave, i’ll feel like i’m behind all again.” you’ve already decided your fate. put the nails straight through the coffin.
“oh honey.” she holds onto your hand, trying to bear your pain together. “you aren’t behind. you’re becoming. and the longer you stay on the wrong train, the more expensive it is to get home my darling.”
at this point, your face is hidden in your palms as you begin to sob again. you could almost swear you’ve cried more this single month than you’ve ever have in your entire life. you know she’s right even if you didn’t want it to be true. she always was.
she leans in closer to you, pulling your head closer to rest on her shoulder as rubs the side of your arm in attempt to comfort you.
“i love him so much.” you muffled between your aching sobs.
“i know darling. i know.” she leans down to press kisses into your hair.
it was now evening and you’ve since calmed down from the realization of your fate this morning. you lay on the sofa; slouched, tissues all around you, still in your pajamas, and watching some rerun of a show on the tv. you weren’t really watching but you just needed something in the background to distract you from your thoughts that ran through your head at a million miles per hour.
it was the same routine for nearly three days now. you’d wake up in the late afternoon, walk downstairs to see that it was empty— because everyone was at work—, try to find an appetite to eat something, sit in front of the tv until someone came home, exchange a few glances, walk back upstairs to your room, lay on your bed for hours quietly crying before falling back asleep just to do it all over again. each and every night jake would message you without fail, pleading to talk about everything. and each and every night, you’d look at the words strung together asking for you to come back to him just to turn off your phone and ignore it all. you knew it was wrong, but you also thought if you avoided it for as long as you could, then maybe everything would go back to normal. that maybe you’d wake up one of these days and you’d be back to how it was with jake right next to you, fast asleep, unafraid, and unaware of the doomed fate that was soon to be both of yours.
on the fourth day, you decided to leave the house. you showered, did some makeup to cover up your tired expression, and put on some old clothes that you wore 12 years ago that made you feel like you’ve teleported back in time. it was a brown worn out cardigan and a fitting black skirt.
you didn’t know if it would hurt you more than comfort you, but you started the car anyways and began driving down the street.
everywhere was a memory of how simple life used to be. the gas station where you’d always get bright blue slushies after school with your friends. the overpass with the neon spray painted names on it. the diner where you always got a cherry coke. you drove and drove until you finally decided to stop. you stopped at the park with the lake not far from home. as you walked out the car, a million memories instantly hit you. this was the park you’d sneak out to with jake at the late hours of night. you’d try not to make too much noise when you snuck out or else your parents would find out, but with jake around, you couldn’t help but laugh the entire way out. it was always so hard to be sneaky when he was around. he always told you it was because he just wanted “some fresh air” but he knew that it was just some lame cover story and that he just wanted to see the girl he loved so much.
you walk up to a red bench and sit on it. you look out to the horizon as the lake looks back at you. it’s calming. ,peaceful, familiar. you look at the sparkling sun dance across the small waves of the lake almost as if it was like glitter. you don’t even realize but you sit there for hours, lost in thought. it eased your racing mind into a state of peacefulness that you haven’t known for days.
you only begin to realize you’ve been there for a long time when the sun begins to set. maybe this was your sign. your sign to finally face the truth. you knew you couldn’t ignore it forever and hope for it to change into something it wasn’t.
you’re in your car once again. the drive back home is quiet beside the sound of your vehicle’s tires against the endless highway. you called your mom to tell her you were leaving, but only her voicemail answered.
“i’m going home now mom. i love you.” you spoke after the beep.
the drive back home somehow went by quicker than usual. there was no traffic. every light you hit was green. the ETA on the corner of the screen kept decreasing.
was it a sign that this was always going to be how it would end up between you and jake? it was like the earth spun just to see this whole thing unravel.
you finally arrive at the driveway of your home with jake.
you sit in the driveway for a while. not because you had to finish a song but because you didn’t know if you should just turn back around and forget it all. pretend that this wasn’t your life and that you were just living in a very long nightmare that would surely end soon.
your feet acts before your mind as you find yourself standing in front of the door. your hands go on autopilot as you unlock the door. the key goes into the keyhole first try. it doesn’t falter nor even try to fail to unlock the door. you have to face it. you open the door and you’re met with the familiar interior of your home once again. your body practically drags you into the home, going against what your mind tells you to do: turn around and run away.
you walk into the kitchen; the same kitchen from four days ago when you left jake. there he stood, his face structure a little sunken in, eyes rimmed red, hair messy like he hasn’t brushed it out, and expression tired.
you can audibly hear his breathing hitch as he sees you walk into his field of vision. he doesn’t say anything. he simply drops what he’s doing, the utensil in his hand falling out his grasp and onto the countertop. the sound of the utensil produces a clang that rings through your ears along with the unwavering thumping of your heart.
his eyes look like he’s spent countless years searching for a precious treasure—and that treasure was you. before you can even form a proper sentence or even explain yourself, you feel his arms tightly wrap around you. just tight enough so that maybe he’d never have to lose you again.
“you’re home.” he calmly whispered like you were just an apparition, and if he spoke even a decibel too loud that the illusion of you would shatter completely.
his hand held the back of your head, your hair haphazardly entwined in his fingers. you close your eyes and soaked it in. you almost hoped time would just stop and let you live like this forever. it’d be the last time jake would be this close to you after today. you finally reject his grasp, pulling away from it.
when you pull back, his heart aches at how cold you were. you were rejecting his love that had no where else to go.
“we need to talk.” your lip quivers as you fight back tears.
he refuses to look at your face because he knows if he does he’ll be losing you for good.
“i can’t see a life with you jake.” the magnitude of the words nearly stop his heart as the color in his face immediately drains.
“what do you mean?” he asks like this time around you won’t just give him an answer he doesn’t want to hear.
“i’m wasting your time.” and almost like it was scripted, your eyes being to well up in tears.
“why would you ever say that?” he looks at you, his body trembling. this time, his gaze looks almost offended at the assumption.
“you’re not wasting my time. you never have and you never will.” he tries to convince you through words laced with desperation. you know it’s not the truth and he knows it’s not the truth either but he still lies like it’ll save you both.
“and what if you live your entire life with me and you regret it? what then jake?” you pause before continuing. “i won’t be the one who does that to you. it’s selfish.” this time, you aren’t in denial. you almost feel anger. you’d wished that he would just be cruel about it and accept it. maybe then it wouldn’t hurt as much to do this. to sabotage your own dream come true.
he finally snaps. “do you think you can just disappear for days on end and then show up out of nowhere? i was so worried for you. i was so scared i’d done something wrong.” it’s like salt was sprinkled right into your now opened wound as his words hit like blades on bare skin. you knew he was right.
“and if you want to talk about being selfish then this is it. all of this. selfish wasn’t you not wanting to have a family with me.” he points to you like he’s accusing you of a crime.
“i wish you could see yourself through my eyes, i really wish you could.” you sob through the broken sentence.
“i see the way you look at families when we go out. the way you look at those kids like all you ever wanted to be is a dad. i can’t stay knowing that i can’t give you that.”
he doesn’t say anything. he just looks at you like you’ve spoken to him in a language he can’t comprehend.
“then we can work through it. i know we can.” he holds onto your arm, his eyes almost pleading for all of this to just be over.
“work through what? don’t you get it jake? you don’t understand it.” you hold onto your chest like the words physically ache you.
“you’re never going to hold your child. you’re never going to name them. you’re never going to see them grow up. not with me.” you scream, trying to amplify the consequences of staying like it’ll finally get through to him.
“then tell me you don’t want a future with me and i’ll leave you alone forever.” he looks at you with a blank expression like he’s drained of trying to fight with you. if you just say the word, he’ll be gone. he would finally take the pill you’ve been shoving down his throat. this is what you wanted; for him to be cruel. to let it finally die.
“don’t do that to me.” you were now back in a state of denial.
he mutters through his sobs. “tell me this isn’t what you want and i’ll leave.” he says once more. knowing jake, he wouldn’t leave until you say it. you knew if you didn’t say it now you wouldn’t say it ever.
“you deserve to be loved better than this.” you utter, finally ripping his aching heart out his chest. your hands fall over your mouth as a guttural sob begins to crawl out of you.
his expression falters, pearly teardrops collecting on the rims of his red eyes.
“i’m so sorry.” are the only words you manage to mutter out through the cries that fill the room as you turn away from him.
the news of the divorce was unexpected to everyone. flowers lined your doorstep like someone had died and they were sending their condolences. in some ways, it was like someone died, but instead of someone it was something. the same promises of “i’m here for you.” or “you can always talk to me.” filled your phone screen like they felt obligated to attempt to provide solace in the midst of your world crashing down on you, but words could never provide any amount of comfort to the greatest loss of your life. you were mourning someone who was still alive. you mourned what once was. what could’ve been. the life you could’ve had if only you were on the same path. you were on the same path at one point, it just started diverging before you could even comprehend it.
some people were nastier about it than others. at family gatherings you felt like the talk of the town as relatives whispered behind your back about the split like it was some hollywood scandal on the front page of a newspaper. you hated how they made the divorce seem like it was the result of an absence and lack of love between you and jake. it was far from that—the opposite even.
after the divorce, you lived your life in autopilot. days meshed together into one as you lived the same day repeatedly. the sun continued to rise, just not for you. people continued to laugh and smile around you. it was like a huge slap to the face.
you’d leave the house to come back to it being empty, just like how you left it. you almost thought that one day you’d come home and he’d be there like everything was normal. your bed suddenly became bigger than it used to be, the other side left untouched. the toothbrush holder now only housed your brush. the double sinks now became both of yours.
your friends were worried sick about you. they’d come visit you every once in a while to see if you were doing well—you had a good poker face. “i’m okay.” and “don’t worry about me.” practically became your new catchphrases overnight. yunjin would always come to visit you, staying all night if you needed just so you wouldn’t have to fall asleep alone. (you could never truly thank her enough for always being there for you.)
jake eventually came back to the house you once owned together to pack his stuff away. you’d always make sure to never be around when he stopped by, because you knew if he even uttered the words “come back to me.” you’d find yourself running back to what once was. but sometimes trying not to see him was unavoidable. you’d try to make yourself invisible as he went through each room, gathering recollections of him and tossing them into brown cardboard boxes. you never spoke. it was just small conversations about the weather or about what you both had for dinner and you hated it. you hating the delicate dance of keeping the conversation light when all you wanted to do was tell him about everything he has missed out on since he’s been gone. it felt like you weren’t divorced and that he had just come back from a very long trip.
it wasn’t like you could blame anyone for the divorce either. not jake, not yourself, nobody. it was just an unfortunate situation with no perpetrator. that’s what made it harder to move on; the fact that you had anger but no one to direct it toward.
it wasn’t just you who suffered the pain of the split. jake felt it as much as you did, maybe even worse.
you finally turned up to your ex-husband’s front door to return your wedding ring. he opened the door and it was almost like the ghost of his own self stared back at you. he looked so exhausted and over everything life has thrown at him within a span of a year. he’d cry himself to sleep every night, barely surviving day to day.
“i missed you.” he’d say as he opened the door.
you couldn’t even say it back, even though all you wanted to do was fall back into his warmth and kiss him like he was your only source of oxygen and you’ve been suffocating. it was all so unfair for everyone.
sometimes you’d receive texts from him and sometimes it’d be you who would reach out to jake. it would never be anything too serious. maybe just a text asking how each other’s families have been, or a text on birthdays wishing each other the best. most of the time these texts were just an excuse so you could talk to each other.
multiple years went by since the divorce. you lived your life in the shadows. like a pot forgotten the back burner, bubbling over with no control over it. at first you’d swear you’d never love again. that you’d loved jake enough to last a lifetime. you’d even tell yourself that you didn’t deserve happiness again. but you realized that you were just angry at the world. angry at how it all ended up. you deserved happiness and you deserved to be loved, you just didn’t know how to allow yourself to. you’d go on some dates knowing they wouldn’t go anywhere, but just to have some company on lonely nights. it would be a while until you slowly found yourself and when you did it was like the sun began to rise for you again. by this point in time it was like you and jake were never a thing. it was as if the marriage was like a mirage, something that was purely made up in a fantasy world.
you’re in the living room framing photos of you and heeseung when he calls out for you.
“baby, someone is asking for you on the phone.” his soft spoken voice calls out from the kitchen.
“i’ll be there in a second heeseung.” you eagerly called out to your husband.
you abandon what you’re doing as you walk out to the kitchen.
you walk up to him as smiles warmly. he presses a light kiss to your temple, handing the phone over to you.
“it’s someone named jaeyun.” he announces unexpectedly.
you haven’t heard the name in years.
you pause for a second, almost as if hearing the name stripped all your abilities to function properly. he holds onto the phone waiting for you to take it from his hands. “are you alright?” he notices how you stopped for a second.
“yeah, thank you baby.” you instantly snap back into reality and take the phone. you return the kiss as he moves away from the kitchen, allowing you to have your space.
“hello?” you greet, unsure of who will speak on the side of the line.
“hi.” you instantly recognize the voice.
“is this.. jaeyun?” you ask, saying his birth name like you weren’t allowed to say jake anymore.
a second of silence goes by.
“yes.” his voice is soft and timid.
“why are you calling? did something happen?” you frantically ask as your mind goes through all the possibilities as to why he was calling.
a small chuckle travels from the other side of the phone. “no, nothing’s wrong.”
“i know this is out of the blue, but can we see each other?” he asks.
the last time you truly saw jake was 4 years ago sometime during christmas break when you were helping your parents move out of your childhood home. you were in your bedroom packing everything away when you found a fabric covered box underneath your bed. when you found it, you blew all the dust off of it. it was like a time capsule by how old it had look when you finally took it out of the hiding place it had sat in for nearly 15 years.
when you opened the lid of the box you were met with recollections of what once was. polaroids and photos of you and jake sat on top of cheesy handwritten letters, dried flowers and small little gifts. you pick a photobooth strip up from the pile of memorabilia, feeling the glossy print between your fingers. it was from sometime in the 2010s. jake stood right next to you in the cramped photobooth, his head dipped down in the photo to press a kiss to your cheek in one of the frames. you smiled so wide that nearly all your teeth could be seen in the photo.
later that night when you were packing the boxes into your car, you saw jake’s silhouette illuminated through his bedroom window. you didn’t fully see him and you didn’t dare go greet him either. but before you left your childhood for good, you left the photobooth strip on the windshield of his car. you’d written a message for him to see on the photo strip.
“i still love you.” written in the same pink ink you wrote everything in.
“then tell me you don’t want a future with me and i’ll leave you alone forever.” jake’s words from 6 years ago echo through your mind.
someone once told you “don’t make promises you can’t keep.” how ironic, huh?
because there you were. you were standing in front of sim jaeyun’s door in an outfit that was a little too serious and that definitely took too much time to pick out this morning.
you knocked on the door three times as your palms started to sweat and your heart started racing. the door finally opens. jake is standing there in a nice sweater and some dress pants. did he also spend a little too long choosing his outfit this morning too? it didn’t matter because there he was. he was real. he was tangible. if you reached your hand out at that moment and touched his face you’d feel his warmth radiate through you.
you always hated when people said they were “speechless” because of how cliché it sounded, but you were truly speechless at this moment.
“hi.” his voice is polite; like he’s greeting someone he has never met and not someone he’s seen at their most vulnerable moments.
“how have you been?” he attempts to continue the conversation.
“i’m good. you?” you return his greeting.
“i’m good too.” he smiles the same smile that was etched into your head from years ago.
an awkward silence goes by before he speaks again.
“oh. i’m so sorry, i should’ve invited you in a while ago.” he laughs as he insists you walk into his home.
you don’t say anything. you just quietly laugh at how he was so shy.
you look around at his new home. it’s decorated in a way that makes it feel familiar even though you’ve never been in his home before.
as you admire his home like it’s a museum, he leads you into the warmly lit living room.
you sit down at the sofa as he brings two cups of tea over to the coffee table.
“you still drink it with four sweeteners right?” he asks before handing you the cup.
“you remember.” you say as you take a small sip out the cup.
he doesn’t say anything. he just smiles.
“so, this is your new house hm?” you look around, admiring the architecture of the home.
“yeah, new house. i still need to add some photos or paintings to the wall.”
“you know, just looks a bit bare.” he points at the white walls that created the room you both sat in. a silence falls between the both of you again as you look at the few photos that already hang on the wall.
“why did you invite me over?” you finally ask for the reason as to why you were talking over a cup of tea in your ex-husband’s home.
before he could answer your question, someone enters through the entrance.
“baby, i’m home!” a feminine voice echoes through the house as the sound of shoes being kicked off her feet can be heard.
you finally see her when she walks into the living room.
she’s already scolding jake before you could even introduce yourself.
“oh my god, i’m so sorry! jake you should’ve told me she was coming today!”
“you must be y/n. i’ve heard so much about you!” she beams a bright smile at you before giving you a warm and comforting hug.
“this is my wife.” jake introduces you to the woman standing front of you. you almost stop in your tracks when you hear the word “wife” leave his mouth.
it wasn’t because you were jealous. ew, no of course you weren’t. you were actually happy to meet her, it’s just that you just never gave any thought to what jake was up to these these days.
“it’s so nice to meet you too.” you return her kind introduction.
“i’m so sorry i had to meet you this way. if someone had told you were coming i would’ve baked you some cookies.” she teasingly rolls her eyes at jake.
“no, it’s totally okay.” you reassure her.
you’d just met her a few minutes ago but she had a special way of making you feel like you belonged in their home instead of making you feel like you were invading in a life that wasn’t yours anymore.
she smiles one last time before leaving to another room, leaving you and jake alone once again.
“she’s beautiful.” you look down at your cup of tea as you fidget with the string of the tea bag.
“i know. i love her a lot.” he chuckles as he takes another sip of his tea.
“are you going to tell me why you called?” you ask once again, trying to find out the reason you were sitting there.
“i had somethings that i wanted to return to you.” he stands up to go get a worn cardboard box from the kitchen counter.
“why didn’t you just toss them?” you reply as he sat back down on the sofa across from you.
you almost laugh at how much he’s changed while also being the exact same boy you laid eyes on that fateful day on your parents front porch. he was still the same sentimental person you knew all those years ago.
he walks back to the living room, handing you the box.
“thank you.” you say as you grab the box from him.
you take another sip of your tea to try to distract from the silence that keeps growing.
the silence is suddenly filled with the innocent sound of laughter running through the hall.
“honey, don’t run, you’ll trip!” jake’s wife voice follows.
from the hallway, a young girl runs out and falls into jake’s arms and then his lap.
“daddy!” her precious laughter echos through the house.
“you had a good nap didn’t you darling?” he pinches the girl’s chubby cheeks as she presses a kiss onto her fathers forehead.
“yes.” she smiles wide, her front teeth missing.
she looked like the spitting image of jake himself.
she had big brown eyes and a smile exactly like his.
her lips and nose looked nearly identical to his.
“who is this?” her curious tiny hands pointed to you.
“this is your angel.” he bent down to meet his daughter’s face as they both looked at you.
she gasped, loosening herself from jake’s grasp as she came closer to you.
“you’re my angel. daddy told me all about you.” she sat right beside you admiring your presence like you were some mythical being.
“he tells me stories about you all the time. are you really my angel?” her big doe eyes looked up to you for an answer.
jake would tell his daughter stories about how an angel was the reason she was here in this world. and you were her angel. without you, she wouldn’t have been here right in front of you.
when you left that day after returning your ring to jake, you thought that your love had stopped there for good. maybe you had no more love to give. you never knew that your love would continue to transcend. his baby girl was proof of it.
you could feel your eyes well up in tears at the realization of what she meant when she called you her angel.
jake’s wife sits beside you.
“you’re our angel.” she places a hand on your shoulder as she pulls her daughter into her arms, placing a kiss on her cheek.
you feel your eyes water as tears effortlessly fall down your face.
the little girl's expression softens at the sight of you quietly crying. “don’t cry. daddy said you should always be happy.” his daughter reaches her tiny hands to wipe away the tears that ran down your cheek.
“i’m happy. these are happy tears.” you smiled softly at both his daughter and his wife.
it was the truth. you were so happy to see jake with the love he finally deserved; the love you couldn’t give to him.
you’d been living all these years thinking you had made the regretting your decision, living through all the “what ifs” in your head. you thought that maybe the way you loved deeply was a waste, but in this very moment, you realized that loving someone was never a waste.
“i think the angel should go now.” you excuse yourself, not wanting to stay longer than you needed to.
you stand from your spot on the sofa, holding the cardboard box.
“say bye darling.” jake tells his daughter as she runs up to you. you bend down so she can hug you. her hug was full of warmth.
“can you come back next time?” she pleads with her big doe eyes.
you pull away from the warm embrace, as she looked at you like you hung the moon and stars in her universe.
“i don’t think that’s possible.” her eyes immediately sadden at your answer. “but i’ll always be with you in here.” you point to her heart. her sadden expression turns back to a smile.
you stand up, fighting the tears that continue to well up in your eyes.
you walk to the door, admiring the home for once more before you leave.
when you reach the entrance, jake’s wife pulls you into a warm embrace. “thank you. thank you for everything.” she quietly mutters with nothing but gratitude laced through the message.
you don’t say nothing, you just gave her a smile that said everything words couldn’t possibly.
jake walks you out the door, making sure you get to your car safely.
he helps you open the door as your hands are occupied by the box.
“so, this is it, huh?” you look at him for the last time.
“i guess so.” he says knowing this was the last and final page of your book that you have been writing together. this was your swan song with someone you used to—and still— love so much.
“remember to take care of yourself for me. okay?” he says as you buckle yourself into your car seat.
you feel your throat tighten and eyes burn as you nod at his last request.
even after years of being apart, he still cared for you deeply. you’d always be engraved in his heart no matter what.
he closes the car door, waving bye to you with a smile before he disappears back into his home.
you sit in your car for a while trying to process everything. everything finally made sense.
you sit in the driveway for a while and this time it wasn’t because you had to finish a song.
you finally open the cardboard box that sits next to you in the passenger seat, curious of the contents inside that jake couldn’t bring himself to toss.
as you open the box, a familiar item stares back at you. it was the two wooden deer from your honeymoon in switzerland nearly a decade ago. you nearly forgot that you had bought these. you pick them up and run your hand against the wood grain. you couldn’t believe that you were holding them in your hands.
“i can’t believe he kept it after all these years.” you whisper to yourself in disbelief, your lips curving into a faint smile through the tears.
then, something else catches your eye in the box.
the photobooth strip from 4 years ago. the one you left on jake’s windshield. now, it was even more worn than when how you left it on his car all those years ago. right next to your message that read “i still love you” was a sentence written in jake’s handwriting.
“and i’ll love you forever. - jake”
you smile, tracing the letters of the message with your fingers, feeling the slightly engraved ink beneath your skin before placing it back into the box.
you wipe your tears away as you finally start the car and begin driving back home to your husband who’s waiting for you.
after all this time, you finally realized your mom was right all along—sometimes, all you have to do is leave out the door and just hold onto hope, not the life you could’ve had.
wow… y/n really said FUCK THEM KIDS… but firstly, if you’re reading this, thank you so so much for taking the time to read through this story. i hope that you loved it as much as i did writing it. i don’t usually admit things like this, but i’m extremely proud of this :,) this is the first time i’ve ever written this many words for any work of mines, so take that as a sign of how much i loved writing this beautiful story. i’m also sorry if i made you cry.. because i came real close to tears while reading this story back, but luckily, jake does get his happy ending!! so, hopefully you didn’t stay sad for long. secondly, i tried my best to proofread but there will probably still be some grammar mistakes, so i apologize for that. lastly, i’d like to thank everyone for all your love and support. it never goes unnoticed, i promise. i truly appreciate every single person who reads and interacts with my work ♡ once again, thank you so much for reading! please stay tuned for more works coming this year!
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