Heart (Caitlin Serviss) @xotheforest - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Tonight isn't a full moon but it had a double rainbow around it. Phone cameras haven't gotten me a good night photo my whole life so I scrambled inside the house for my iPad. Husband drove around while I threw the basics down and finished it at home. Took 3 hours.

#art #procreate

If my omeprazole prescription can be $9 with insurance, can it just be $9 without insurance?? Before the CVS app updated, it said my 90 day supply was gonna be $305. A minute later when it changed, I made a panic pterodactyl noise because wtf.

Yesterday I went to help my husband's grandma set up her church for Mother's Day, and I genuinely wanted to help. I just didn't realize how long we'd be there or how physically demanding it was going to be. By the end of it, my Fitbit recorded over 7,500 steps. My daily goal is 3,500. Not because I'm lazy, but because I already know my limits and actively try not to push past them unless I have to. I helped put together a balloon arch mostly by myself. After a while my arms started hurting, then my back started hurting, and eventually everything started stacking together. I smelled like latex from the balloons, except my brain kept translating the smell into iron or blood. I was sweaty, overstimulated, and I hadn't sat down for hours. When I finally sat down, I ended up helping untangle this giant knot of balloon ribbons from Publix while trying not to feel sick. The pastor's wife actually tried helping me with them because they were such a disaster. At that point I never really got back up to finish the arch. I started shutting down hard. Being in unfamiliar places already triggers anxiety for me, and my body reacts to it physically almost immediately. My stomach gets wrecked, my whole nervous system starts firing alarms, and eventually it spirals into nausea and sensory overload. Smells get too loud somehow. Sounds feel sharp. Textures start bothering me. My body goes rigid. I sat there clenching my jaw so hard it hurt because I was trying not to throw up. Grandma wanted me to finish helping with the arch and I told her I just needed a few minutes. After that I barely talked at all. My husband noticed I was shutting down and rushed to finish everything himself. The drive home was mostly silent because my jaw was still clenched shut. When we got home, he helped put lidocaine patches on my back, I took painkillers and my meds, wrapped myself in a heated blanket while blasting freezing AC air at the same time, and immediately passed out. A couple hours later I woke up because my elderly cat was yowling, and oddly enough that was the moment I realized I could finally move again. What keeps bothering me isn't even just the pain. It's the guilt. The entire time I was sitting there, dissociating and trying not to throw up, my brain kept going: "You could keep going. You're almost done. You're just being dramatic. You're doing this for attention. You're being childish. Other people are picking up your slack." And I think that's the part people don't really understand when you grow up learning to distrust your own pain, being told you just have anxiety. I don't recognize I've gone too far until my body basically forces me to stop functioning. It isn't a flex. It isn't strength. By the time I finally listen to my body, I'm shaking, nauseous, overwhelmed, and trying not to panic. And the wild part is that the second I finally let myself rest and treat the pain, my entire body relaxes. Suddenly I can think again. I can breathe. I can sleep. I'm happy I helped. I really am. I helped my husband's grandma. I know she and the church appreciated it. But I also walked away reminded that I genuinely cannot handle physical labor jobs the way I wish I could, and that's been sitting heavy on my chest for at least 10 years. Especially in a world where remote work feels like 70% scam listings and 30% actual opportunities hidden behind 4,000 fake applications. I feel like I fail people the second my body stopped cooperating. And I know logically that resting before I reached the point of vomiting and crying was the correct decision. But emotionally, it still feels like I abandoned everyone halfway through the fire.

What is something you feel compelled to do regardless of its probable impact? I learned once, perhaps from the internet, that a lot of Earth's water is stuck in bottles, in landfills. And will be stuck for a LONG time. So any time I have a bottled drink, I empty it completely.

My soul says be an alt goth girl. My dream aesthetic is alt goth girl. What works for me mentally and physically is a baggy T-shirt and jeans, no jewelry and no makeup. No socks in bed. My bank account says "food is more important. Thrift shopping isn't cheap anymore."

Alright, lesson learned. Don't try to post storytime in 280 characters unless it's multiple posts. People suck at understanding too much text, and too little text. I guess 500 characters is the attention limit for people to comprehend anything.

What's the oldest reaction image you have? I'll go first with this one that Google Photos decided to remind me of 😂

NOBODY TOLD ME THE MET GALA WAS TODAY ME—I WRITE FOR AN OC WHO IS A FASHION DESIGNER— AAAAAAA— I could have been looking forward to this up until today but nobody else near me cares about fashion enough to know and I had to find out through the news at the VA—

April 30th - I took a bunch of photos of the sky before taking Brandon to work because I saw something flying. I didn't check to see if anything was on the launch schedule.

#photography

I say this a lot when I talk about my health, but I’m not trying to sound edgy—just honest about what it feels like. I can articulate it, so I should. This morning I was shaking. I couldn’t sleep, and my breathing felt off. I kept drifting in and out like I was about to pass out, but something about it felt wrong. I was dropping my phone, losing focus, and my body felt unstable in a way I recognized. It’s a feeling that has sent me to the ER before, so I knew I needed to course correct early. I started with the basics. I’ve been struggling to eat because of nausea, so I tried. It wasn’t much, and my stomach still felt empty afterward. I drank water, took an antacid, and changed my bedding in case something environmental was bothering me. I can be nose-blind to things like cat pee because of my diabetic cat (drinks a LOT), so it felt worth ruling out. I adjusted blankets, airflow, temperature, and noise. I put on rain sounds and carpet cleaning videos, thinking maybe part of this was sensory overload. Then I started working through symptoms. I took a gas pill, since sometimes that tight, can’t-breathe feeling turns out to be gas. I thought about taking Benadryl for a cough I get sometimes that can be allergy-related, but my throat was dry and I knew it would make that worse. The air has been unusually dry lately, so I took a hot shower, then boiled water for humidity while I forced down a small bowl of cereal. Then it clicked. I had been pushing my body this week. Yard work, gardening, a two-mile bike session yesterday, and I hadn’t taken my usual pain meds because I didn’t think I needed them. What I kept calling anxiety was pain. Once I recognized that, I took my usual painkillers—400mg ibuprofen and 250mg acetaminophen, as approved by my rheumatologist—and woke my husband so he could help me put lidocaine patches on my back. While I waited for him to sit up, I stared at the floor, barely tracking anything, thinking through it in real time. This feeling. This is pain. This is what I keep ignoring until it gets bad enough that I end up in the ER just to be forced to stop moving. I searched for the cable to one of the heated blankets to help with swelling, then grabbed an ice pack so I wouldn’t overheat and turned the AC down to balance it out. I remembered I’d been eating gluten all week, which triggers inflammation for me, so that was in the mix too. I took my IBS meds since they were safe with everything else I’d already taken, and a Hyland’s nerve tonic—not because it’s critical, but because it meant I had taken every safe step available. Then I laid down, and I stayed down. I gave myself a line: if I couldn’t settle within a few hours, I would take more painkillers. I don’t usually do that. Taking more after I’ve already taken several medications—even ones I know are safe together—still makes me anxious. In the ER, it usually takes about three hours before I calm down anyway. Time passes, I’m forced to sit still, and eventually my body settles enough that I can eat or rest. Even when I was worried my husband might fall back asleep and be late for work, I didn’t get up again. I let everything settle instead of trying to push through it. Once I stopped moving and stayed under the heated blanket, the shaking eased. The pressure in my body dropped off, and I could finally relax enough to fall asleep. I keep not learning this lesson about my body. What feels like anxiety, or panic, or something being deeply wrong is often untreated pain. The hardest part isn’t fixing it. It’s catching it early enough to stop. And when I do, it saves me a $600 copay—or this year, 40% of a hospital bill after insurance.

What's something weird and unexplainable in a game that you can't recreate? I'll go first. In Skyrim for PS3 I would open the front door to my house and a dead dragon would be in the front lawn. That same dragon would appear alive for me to fight in the next place I went. 5x+

Introduced my parents (probably not for the first time ofc) to System of A Down, started with BYOB. As soon as it starts, my dad smiles and shakes his head. And my mom is like "you know what I can absolutely see Brandon singing that one." Ofc! 😩 It's on the road trip playlist.

Night 2 of BALL IN THE HALL before bed. I had attempted to forfeit after a few kicks because I wasn't feeling it, but quickly I gave in to play. Tonight was my night to score points! I got the ball past my husband 4 times and he got it past me twice.

Nothing kills the spirit more than having an idea full of hope, love & kindness as knowing your landlord is considered a slum-lord in town. She pays 3-5x in the long run for shitty/no handiwork. Why would she listen to an idea to make the flower bed out front look nice?

Phones I/my husband have had, that I still have, that are worst almost nothing now and I would maybe get $100 TOTAL selling them: * Moto E4 (x2) * iPhone 6S * Moto G Stylus 2021 * Moto G Stylus 2023 * Samsung A16 (x2) * Moto G 5G 2024 (x2)

Whenever I need to do the laundry, or dishes, my brain goes "NOPE" and I end up outside. Right now I'm using the blankets that covered the plants in winter (and smell like cat pee) as tent covers from the sun. Some of my plants need 6+ hrs but Florida sun bakes everything 🤔

I must insist, and I IMPLORE brands to stop STOP adding stevia/fake sweeteners to things that say "no sugar added". CapriSun, Del Monte, Dole, Great Value, and more. If it can't be put in fruit juice or a tiny amount of sugar, DON'T MAKE IT SWEET. FFS it ruins what I'm making.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Heart (Caitlin Serviss)