Hey I'm alive

My life is kind of a mess, but you know.

[xoxointrovert]

They say I’m weird

All I want in life is to find someone who thinks like me.

[xoxointrovert]

Date #2 Was... Slightly More Successful.

So after my failure of a first first date, I took some time off of tinder to do it solo. I wasn’t exactly feeling like talking to boys. But time passed and the loneliness set back in. Which, for the record, isn’t the best motivational factor for dating. But like I said, I’m not looking to fall in love. I’m just looking to gain some XP in this dating game. So I’m chatting with this guy who tells me he’s shorter than me. I’m pretty tall, so this isn’t a deal breaker. I mean am I attracted to tall guys? Awh hell yisss. But I’m not about to let this stop me. Then I drop the f-bomb: I’m a feminist. And he goes “Ohhhh you’re one of those girls.” GURL. Don’t fuck with me like that. Anyways. I think this match is dead and out of no where he goes “So would this feminist like to get dinner?” and I’m like.. not feeling it. Which is perfect for going on dates. Because if i went on a date with someone I was actually into, I’d be a hot mess. So I respond with “Are you a racist?” “Nope. Are you?” “Nope. Are you a serial killer?” “No but I do know the tinder killer-nice guy” Shit. He’s pretty good. So I hit him back with a “Have you ever sexually assaulted anyone?” “No I have a speeding ticket but that’s it” And I think “Well fuck it, why not” so I respond with “Fuck it, why not? When and where” So we set up to have dinner. On April Fools day. So the day of I text him “Hey just realized it’s April Fool’s day. Are we still on? Because if this is a tinder prank... I swear to God...” and he responds with a “Yep we’re still on!” so I go to meet him. And let me tell ya, this date was a hell of a lot better than the first one. Conversation came naturally. He said right off the bat to order anything because it was on him and said “even though I know that’s against what you believe in” and I shot back with a “Actually a big part of feminism is knowing when not to emasculate a man” and he looked shocked and was like “I’ve never heard that before... That’s interesting” and I said “Well then you probably don’t know a whole lot about feminism. It’s not all burning our bras and hating men” and he seemed impressed. Anyways. We continued to make each other laugh even after our food was gone. We drank water and talked for like 2 and a half hours. He asked what I was looking for from tinder and I said I was just playing the field. He said he’d like something serious and settle down and have kids. I said that I want that eventually, but am still in school and focused on my career. And it crossed my mind that I wasn’t sure how to leave, but I was also enjoying myself and didn’t necessarily want to leave. Which is a pretty big damn deal for an introvert. The time came for us to go and he offered to walk me to my car. I agreed. So as we’re walking to my car and he’s like “So do you think you’d like to see me again?” Which is kind of an uncomfortable question. Like text me that later, you know? I said “It depends” and he asked “Depends on what?” and I said “How smooth you are” Now I feel like this was hint enough that he can kiss me. Like honestly all I want from these dates is to make out with someone new. Maybe that’s fucked up but ALL of my experiences romantically/sexually are from “Frank.” From hand holding to that time I stuck my finger up his ass- everything I’ve done has been with him. So part of me feels like.. HIS. And I don’t want to be HIS anymore. i want to be my own. And I want to make out with some strangers. So we get to my car and this guy takes a step in and I think “Oh okay get ready he’s gonna kiss ya!” and so he’s leaning in, and I lean in and fucking go for it. But he goes for my CHEEK. Oh God, I’m cringing just writing this. So his face is on my face and we’re just like.. smooshing faces. And he’s not... actually like.. kissing? He’s just there. Smooshed. No “Muah” action. So I quickly hug him, say “It was nice meeting you!” and run away. It probably only lasted for like a second but IT FELT LIKE ETERNITY WITH MY FACE PRESSED AWKWARDLY AGAINST HIS! I’m pretty sure I muttered “Oh my GOD” getting into my car. I screamed the whole time driving away. Also I was lost. I had to GPS back to a place that looked familiar and finally found a gas station to stop and pee at because I drank so much friggin water. I called a friend on the way home and freaked out and cringed for like 2 hours because.. Oh lordy lordy what a mess that turned into. He texted me saying he had a good time and I thanked him for dinner. But I don’t think I have any intentions on seeing him again. Which is probably a good thing since I am not really looking for a relationship, and the rest of the date went so well I probably would’ve agreed to see him again. My friend that I called said that was karma’s way of wrecking it so I wouldn’t get too attached/committed too soon. I mean it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to get into a relationship right now. I’m just excited to be getting back out there. ... But I’m still cringing. I think I will forever. 

[xoxointrovert]

My First 1st Date

So all of my dates had been with “Frank” and they were all after we were already dating. So there was no real pressure- I already knew he was in love with me. We had already made out. But after that relationship ended, it was time to get back out there. So after like 200 tinder matches, I finally agreed to go to brunch with a guy named Douglas. He was a total stoner- which I mean don’t get me wrong, is okay. But I myself don’t smoke anything, and I would prefer a partner to also not smoke things. But I’m not exactly looking for a partner, I’m looking for... practice. Dating practice. So that if I actually meet a keeper I won’t blow it with my awkwardness and inability to talk about things socially acceptable. And Douglas was the first guy to ask me to do something other than hook up. Which for the record, is not my cup of tea. I agreed, and we met up close to where I work. It was.... interesting...? Well no not really. It was quite dull! I had to prompt most of the conversation- and I’M THE ONE WHO USUALLY DOESN’T DO MOST OF THE TALKING! Like I felt like I was interviewing him. I kept asking questions and he would answer but not reciprocate. And the one time he did start a topic he was like “Oh so I saw on your tinder that you like camping. I also like camping. Maybe we could go together sometime.” Uhhh excuse me? We just met. I am not even sure if I want a second date and you’re telling me you want to go camping together in a few months? And he ate weird. And looked like a combination of my best friend, who is gay and I am not attracted to, and to my other good friend.. who admittedly is attractive. So this guy was kind of cute. But the whole time I just kept seeing my friends, who I would NEVER date and I was just so.. uncomfortable. I remember gripping onto my glass of water really tightly just because I was just so frustrated at how awkward it was. When the bill came I let it sit there for a few seconds before grabbing it and saying “Split it?” Even though my meal was cheaper than his. I made sure to order something relatively cheap in case he did offer to pay. Now let me explain: I am a self identified feminist. He knew this going into the date. I don’t expect anyone to ever pay for things for me. But a big part of being a feminist is knowing when not to emasculate a man- if he wants to pay he should have the opportunity to do so. Apparently Douglas didn’t want to. Which is fine. However, it would’ve been a kind gesture if he had. Like he asked me out. I think the person who suggests the date should pay. Oh well. I wasn’t too bothered. So the meal is over and we both put our coats on to leave. I think he would’ve just walked to his car if not for the fact that I had knit him a hat- it was part of our banter whilst talking on tinder. I also just really like to knit. So he followed me back to my car (No, he didn’t walk me to it- he followed me) I gave him his hat and said “Well it was really nice meeting you... I’ll talk to you later!” and he said “Yeah I’ll talk to you later!” ONLY FOR US TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN! For real. I never texted him, and he never texted me. I drove away feeling so giddy/excited but honestly, I was just so damn proud of myself for fucking doing it. I had never been on a blind date.. or a first date. And looking back at it I know that it was incredibly boring and not good (although it probably could’ve been worse) I’m just glad I did it. 

[xoxointrovert]

Sexting

So Frank and I were pretty hot and heavy the first like.. two years of our relationship. But over time, passion fades and security builds. Well we went on for 2 years and 7 months with a failing sexual relationship. I mean I take a lot of the blame but he definitely didn’t help. Anywhoooo. When we broke up I thought “Well I’m not a very sexual person- I don’t really need that in my life” Boy was I fucking wrong. I miss sex. I miss dicks. I miss touching someone, pleasuring them. Hell, I miss being pleasured. This came to a surprise to me. But I’m also a nursing student who has only slept with one person- not exactly slut material. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for sexually promiscuous women. But I believe in safe, consensual sex with people who have been recently tested for STDs. Also I’m a total introvert, a bit socially awkward and living with my parents because “Frank” kicked me out of the house we were renting together. So how the hell am I supposed to get off? I mean porn and masturbation are all fine and dandy, but there’s nothing more exciting than knowing that you getting off gets someone else off too. So I turn to the internet and the apps. Trust me, it is not hard to find a young lad willing and ready to send you some sexy texts. And it’s like.. 100% safe. You can’t get an STD from virtual words. Honestly, it was kind of empowering to be a total whore on the internet, but a prude in real life. (For the record I’m not a prude- I just have standards). I guess I’m just saying, hey you do you. It’s kind of fun to sext strangers/send sexy snapchats (keep your face out of it though, for fuck’s sake.) and see how turned on someone else will get. And to be in power. You can stop responding. You can make them send you something. Total turn on. And then at the end, you don’t have to ever speak to or of them again. It’s your dirty little secret.

[xoxointrovert]

Being Single For The First Time

Okay so I’ve recently gotten out of a long term relationship. Like really long. Most… Scratch that, all of my adult life. And let me tell ya, I thought we were the real deal. I had envisioned a big house by a forest with a lake and two kids- two boys- and a golden retriever named Seamus. He was my one and only and we were gonna grow old together. But then wham, bam, thank you m’am he dumps me and I have to say goodbye to our dog (not Seamus. He’s hypothetical at this point) and move out. But that’s not the story I’m looking to tell. This is all just backstory. Anyways. Now I’m a 23 year old woman who has to start essentially from scratch. I mean the last time I dated I was a band geek, senior in high school, on the brink of facing the world and going off to college. Let me also tell you, that didn’t go as smoothly as planned. Not the point. So here I am, a heartbroken feminist facing the millennial dating world for the first time. I’ve only been on dates with someone who was my boyfriend- and I’ve only had one boyfriend. All of my sexual experiences were with someone I was in love with. And now I’m faced with guys on tinder asking me to look at their phalic photos. So in my mind, I’m like… this empowered woman about to have all these new experiences. Play the field. It’ll be a lot like… Monica in Friends. And I guess I feel like by documenting it I’ll have to be more exciting. Maybe it’ll turn out like the Carrie Diaries. Probably not. But it might be fun to read in a few years when I’m older and wise. Hopefully hotter too. And more sexually experienced. Am I still in love with my ex? (Lets call him… Frank) Yes. I am. But I don’t want to be. So I’ve taken to the internet to meet strange men in hopes that one will woo me with his words and not his genitals. That’s the dream right? 

[xoxointrovert]

First love

How long did it take you to get over your first love?

[xoxointrovert]

Wanted

Wanted: A Netflix friend. We watch the same series at the same pace. Movies at the same time. And chit chat through it.

Shows I love: Supernatural, The Office, One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls, Buffy, The Walking Dead, Once Upon A Time, Parks and Rec.

[xoxointrovert]

The secret of life

I figured it out. The secret of the world. Of life. Of humanity. We are all just lonely. Lonely people spinning around this earth bumping into each other hoping to meet someone or find something that will fill that emptiness they feel in their souls.

[xoxointrovert]

Heartbroken

I just want someone to say goodnight to.

[xoxointrovert]

Stripped bare

You’ve stripped me bare, but never like this before. Now you’re stripping me of company. Then from happiness. Next you take away my security. I feel myself losing hope. I know after that’s gone, faith won’t be long after. And in the end I’ll have to let go of us. Of who I’ve grown to be myself. I’ll be alone and lost.

[xoxointrovert]

A whole new kind of heartbreak

I'm putting up walls between me and the only person who was ever able to get through them.

[xoxointrovert]

Pain: contagious via oral to ear.

If I could say the things I wanted to say to you, it would hurt you. So I keep all this pain locked up inside of me to protect you from it.

[thismakeup]

[xoxointrovert]

Need To Talk To Someone From Valencia, Spain

Hello! I need to interview someone (a rent-paying, grocery-buying, job-working adult) who lives in Valencia, Spain for a Spanish project. I’m currently a college student at UW-Green Bay. I’d ask you about your monthly budget costs and income. Nothing too personal. Please let me know if you could help me out!

[xoxointrovert]

Brock

Now let me tell you. I have never seen Pokemón, and I probably never will. But from what I’ve seen on the internet, I am pretty sure I am Brock.

[xoxointrovert]

I’m not sure if this is my own original idea or not, but you know how old ladies now have like.. permed, short white hair? I hope that trend continues to when I’m old, but we’ll all dye our grey/white hair pastel colors. Like... cotton candy pink or baby blue. Seafoam green or lavender. Thinking of us all being pastel grandmas makes me look forward to aging.

[xoxointrovert]

Sister Idol

Growing up I was always disgusted and ashamed of being on the heavier side. I thought there was no way to ever be considered attractive. I remember distinctly one time my sister and I were watching TV and an ad came on for a big girl’s top model kind of show. I must have made some snide remark because I remember my sister, who was my idol, saying “Some bigger women are still really beautiful.” And I realized she was right. I’m not sure if she knows how much she affected me that day, but she changed the way I see people, and myself.