[xrystals]

A little over a month ago my identity was fragmenting really badly

This tumblr blog may be a result of that fragmenting time.

Basically, I built a new PC and kinda went overboard in getting back "online", making tons of new accounts everywhere and blogs and new Discord username and server and etc etc.

However, in the time since making all those outlets or windows , those openings to express myself and let something out,

I have found myself more stuffed up and silent than ever?

I still find myself pushing people away, due to my off-putting personality, when in reality I love and care about those people and want nothing but the best for them.

Does that have to do with my identity fragmentation stuff too? Hmm...

The incongruity between how I feel about people, and how I treat them, has bothered me a lot lately.

It's not my intention to treat them badly.

[xrystals]

i will never understand people obsessed with their own comfort

[xrystals]

Imagine... Imagine growing up in a place surrounded by people who look like you.

Imagine having your ideas, hopes, and dreams for your own life accepted and encouraged.

Imagine growing up around people.

Imagine looking at another human being and seeing your own face reflected in theirs.

Imagine that,

What a life!

[xrystals]

It's so weird, I'm going through something very strange

It's like I want to keep doing the things I've always done (gaming, smoking weed, computer stuff)

But lately i'm getting absolutely nothing out of it

And feel like I'm not the same person I was before?

There is a freedom because I have a ton of knowledge and an opportunity to start some new things and work on myself

But my mind always turns to the comfort of the past, what's been done already, what's Dead and Gone.

And lately when I'm trying to necro some old patterns, some old friends,

none of it is working .

None of it feels the same.

[xrystals]

[xrystals]

Dang it I already reinstalled Blizzard after going through a mini ethical dilemma. Now I am thinking about resubscribing to Netflix too?? They just released the Mr. McMahon documentary , plus Ranma remaking coming out soon...

I mean, it's not like I won't be able to watch them if I don't subscribe (🏴‍☠️) but the convenience factor, and I DO want to support them making good content that I want to see!!

Hmm... Plex server would be more fun to tinker with, ESPECIALLY on a Linux box 🤔

[xrystals]

Today I went to the bank to ask them to deposit a ripped $50 bill that had been in my wallet for 3 weeks.

At first they told me they couldn't accept it, but I went back and tried again with a different teller, and he helped me out!

That was a fun adventure and finishing it closed a loop ➰

Then, on my way home, I stepped in a muddy puddle and my entire left foot got soaked and muddy!

[xrystals]

easy come, easy go ♥️

[xrystals]

ok so I was mad at Blizzard for a long time, Since they blatently lied to the players about the PVE content and took away my favorite class?? (off-tank) Along with being a shady , toxic , bad company .

So I did NOT play Ow2 for a LONG time , since around Kiriko release.

Lately since I took a year off gaming and rebuilt my PC, my interest in gaming has been renewed! So, long story short, I'm installing OW2 again and decided to not be (as) mad at Blizzard.

I will try my hardest not to throw money at them but,

you know,

...Widowmaker skins.....

[xrystals]

[xrystals]

Yesterday my day was extra long and SO busy!

Had work and had a nail appointment before work. So had to get up early. The night before I stayed up late talking with a friend online (she had Vietnamese coffee and I was like, isn't that super strong?? Then I learned about Arabica vs. Robusto)

Soo not a lot of sleep, waking up early, going to work and its SUPER busy because we have a sale going on now. Ughh thank you Rockstar Zero Energy Drink. Usually I try not to do more than 200mg of caffeine in an energy drink, but yesterday I very much appreciated the extra +40mg or whatever that Rockstar had.

My co worker was supposed to leave at 6:30PM but she stayed until like 8, because we kept getting customers. We also made like 2x our plan so it was worth it maybe

After work I thought I would be tired and just want to sleep, but came home and I was wired and super awake!

So I smoked some weed, played some games, chilled out like normal. But i was so NOT tired, despite being like physically tired.

Then, WAY later at night I realized it was the Fall Equinox yesterday! And start of Libra season ♎ And that shift from Summer to Fall .

So yeah, definitely felt that ! 😄

[xrystals]

Well , it has been a while.

Since my last post, I have tried making new "blogs" on multiple sites including Neocities, status.cafe, and even made a new Discord server

None of the places feel like what I am looking for...

(what even am I looking for?)

So , maybe it's this Tumblr?

Maybe listing some Rules will help me figure things out:

No Necroing old accounts

Site with some sort of CSS customization

Microblogging

Hmm...

sounds like this Tumblr maybe 😏

[xrystals]

stayed up late again oops!

[xrystals]

new pc specs

AMD Ryzen 7 5700X 3.4 GHz 8-Core Processor

Cooler Master MasterLiquid 240L Core ARGB Liquid CPU Cooler

MSI B550M PRO-VDH WIFI Micro ATX AM4 Motherboard

Corsair Vengeance LPX 32 GB (2 x 16 GB) DDR4-4000 CL18 Memory

Western Digital Black SN770 1 TB M.2-2280 PCIe 4.0 X4 NVME Solid State Drive

Thermaltake Smart 700 W 80+ Certified ATX Power Supply

Cooler Master MasterBox Q300L MicroATX Mini Tower Case

NVIDIA Founders Edition GeForce RTX 3070 8 GB Video Card

[xrystals]

one good new thing leads to another!

[xrystals]

[xrystals]

It's funny bc social stuff can be such a mystery to me sometimes

If we are having a normal conversation and suddenly the other person just stops responding for two months . Umm, that means that conversation is such a low priority in his life that it literally did not ever his head during that time?

Then maybe he should focus on the stuff he needs to, and obviously does not have time or energy for extracurricular conversations.

If we are having a normal conversation and someone just stops responding , leaves me on read , no explanation or follow up. That means they aren't interested anymore, and that we should probably move on with our lives.

SO WHY DO THESE PEOPLE RANDOMLY WANT TO TALK AGAIN ??

I don't get it, they send me clear signals of disinterest or inability to hold an online conversation . Ok that is COMPLETELY FINE with me I will just refocus on people who have time and energy to engage with me.

BUT THEN out of the blue will randomly message me and basically ask for the attention they are unable to provide themselves!! Do they not understand that you get what you give?

How in the world do they expect me to treat them better than they treated me?

🤔

Edit : after I reread this post , I realized I'm exactly describing my own behavior.

I am just as guilty of all those things as the people I'm complaining about.

Ok