[xtemporary-lovex]

It just hit me that this will be the first birthday in 13 years that you’re not somehow a part of 😔

Edited to add, don’t read old journals on your bday:

[xtemporary-lovex]

That’s ok, I didn’t expect you to remember.

We’re not even really friends, so never sure why I’m so surprised.

[xtemporary-lovex]

For what it’s worth, everyone wanted me to be angry. And I only ever needed someone to hold space for me to be really, truly sad.

About all of it.

[xtemporary-lovex]

Every so often I stumble upon The Card.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it were.

Buckle up for a long nonsensical post about basically nothing.

For context:

-The time is December 2024

-I’d asked to close our relationship for almost 2 years to no avail (“I won’t do that”)

-I’d then agreed to just the one person she was dating at the time with no more relationships being pursued while we “worked it out” (we never did anything remotely close to working towards repair)

-I’d been told that Erin was “just a friend” but as “soon as [you and her husband] are ok with it, we’d pursue it”

-I’d caught her having Erin overnight with no heads up (because I was too controlling and never let her have friends over - forgive me for being curious who will be in our house while I’m out of town?)

-I’d been called performative, abusive and it was basically implied that I only wanted my ex and wanted no one else to “have” her (so many missing details, but you get the gist - it was implied that I wanted Katie to be only “mine”)

I was cleaning the office and stumbled upon her gift package from Erin for Christmas that year. The Card was out in the open and yeah, I read it. My world had been chaotic and filled with lies and turmoil for years - I wanted to see what “we’re just friends, I swear there’s nothing going on” looked like.

You may read this and think nothing of it. But coming from the unstable place I was in, this set me off. It was literally the final straw that lead me to break up with Katie on 1/5/2025. It devastated me. The “my,” the “butterflies,” the “no security and stability.”

And the thing is, if I broached the topic of The Card - I’d be ridiculed for snooping. Which, fair. But it was always deflected onto my wrong doings and never about The Problems.

I put The Card back and went about life until June of 2025 - when I was then packing up Katie’s things that she left behind after moving out (still a work in progress!) and it guts me again.

I ALMOST send it to Erin’s husband (as I’m not aware at this point that they’ve been actively dating since like 2 weeks after we broke up and I’m sure he wasn’t either)

But I didn’t

I put it into a box to be packed away.

I find it again a couple months later when I’m STILL TRYING TO ORGANIZE AND CLEAN. And at this point, I want to tear it to fucking shreds. I go to rip it and stop before I get too far. This isn’t my property. It’s Katie’s. Surely she cares enough to want this back someday. Away it goes again.

I don’t re-find it until January 2026 at which point I’m planning a trip to NY to visit Katie

I find out 2 weeks later she and Erin have been dating a year meaning they got together literally after we broke up. She has a performance and shouts out her “girlfriend” and I spiral for a good long while.

I plan to take The Card and deliver it in person since I’d already booked the trip. But, I lose it.

I’m convinced I had thrown it away and was then mad that I couldn’t drop this in her lap and be like “you left this - seems important!”

I go on the trip. I have fun. I realize so much including how incredibly delulu I’ve been at thinking and hoping.

I lose The Card for another few months until just this past weekend. I feel like I’ve healed a lot, but it definitely still hurts to read. The Card is the last lie I allowed myself to accept from my ex. It was the last time I accepted deceit and blatant disregard for my part in our relationship.

And maybe I overreacted. And maybe it IS just friends exchanging gifts. And yeah, the “secret” tumblrs were worse topically, but this was only 2 months after hearing her convince me that nothing was happening and nothing would happen until I said so.

But, that was a lie.

And that was it.

The straw that broke the camels back. My back. My marriage.

The Card.

[xtemporary-lovex]

Ooop 🫠 this did not age well

Guess history repeats itself.

[xtemporary-lovex]

You also volunteer because you want the distraction. But what do I know? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[xtemporary-lovex]

What’s the point.

[xtemporary-lovex]

“You’re the love of my life. Everyone else is going to be second best. There will never be another you”

[xtemporary-lovex]

It makes me feel INSANE to see reposted videos titled “I don’t want to be your second thought…”

YOU THINK, MY GUY? Yeah, that shit SUCKS 🙃

I can’t even imagine what that feels like 🙄

[xtemporary-lovex]

There’s love in the inconveniences. And sometimes it’s about seeing beyond yourself and knowing it isn’t just about you.

[kosmogrl]

I have mastered the art of being hard on myself for things I would tell anyone else are not that deep

[perfectquote]

“I gave you my heart and that’s all I can give you, and if that’s not enough, then I’m not enough.”

— One Tree Hill

[bobbymoynihans]

[mrsfallontimberlake-deactivated]

Ive been counting down the days until I could reblog this

[xtemporary-lovex]

You know as someone who was left with a whole life’s worth of stuff - I’ve taken great care and respect to pack up my ex’s things.

I’ve taken countless loads to storage and purchased hundreds of dollars in packing supplies to make sure it’s all stored and packed away nicely.

It’s been over a year and I’m still packing.

Not only because there is just THAT much stuff left behind, but because every time, without fail, I find something.

A bag of condoms, forgotten cards from old lovers, pictures, the sex toys travel bag, things from others that were cherished and hidden away.

I have packed it all away, though sometimes I debated mailing things to people’s spouses!! I didn’t though. What’s the point.

But, sometimes being caught mid-pack by a picture of your ex’s ex is just a little off putting, you know! Especially when it’s their school photo from eons ago tucked away in the closet. 🙃

So, yeah. Healing is a constant uphill battle and I hate it.

[xtemporary-lovex]

Man, somethings just make you feel really stupid, right?

Someone got drunk and led me on and made me feel crazy for YEARS because I fell hard for them. They literally called me a crazy obsessed lesbian. I felt stupid and like a monster for a really long time. I still do sometimes.

It’s somehow worse when someone spends years convincing you you’re the one and promising you forever and then just walks away.

First world problems, I guess….

[princessrhcenyra]

Roswell New Mexico ⇢ 1x04

[xtemporary-lovex]

Why am I here?

What is the point?

None of it fucking mattered anyway