VXIII_JN

Rumble to myself

[xviiijn-blog]

......

I am such a loser

[xviiijn-blog]

Nightmare

I finally maybe figured out a way to deal with all the upsetting dreams. Each night before I go to sleep, I tell myself it will just be a dream. If anything bizarre, scary, or uncomfortable happens, just wake up. Whatever will happen next will not hunt you or change your life in anyway. It’s not real.

Instead of too scared to sleep each night, I decided to looking forward to wake up next morning. I still have horrible dreams. It’s just stopped bothering me.

[xviiijn-blog]

10/6/2016

Wired day. I am obsessed with the thoughts of wondering there are something wrong with me. I simply can’t stop thinking about how abnormal I am. Every second.

I was never an emotional person. But none or less, it was there. Right now, I don’t feel anything. Even funnier, I start to feel less physical pain. I bite my lips, it didn’t hurt. I punched on the wall, it didn’t hurt. I pinched my arm, it didn’t hurt. I eat super spicy food, and I don’t feel it. My mouth would get watery, but I don’t taste the spicy or pain.

I feel like I am losing the track of time and place too. Sure my watch is working just fine, but I feel the time have been frozen and stopped flowing. I don’t feel my surroundings. Home, school, restaurant, empty room, crowded. I can’t sense the different. I see and hear everyone at the same time, but I can’t focus on anyone. It’s wired as fuck. I am scared and oddly feeling comfortable.

Tonight, I felt I can't breath and wanted to throw up. I had to take off all my jewelries to breathe, even the rings. It was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. What’s going on?

[xviiijn-blog]

10/5/2016

It's a warm day today, especially after a freezing week. Here I am sitting in my coach for hours after a brief working out, 2 in the morning, doing absolutely nothing for the past few hours. My Body is yelling at me to take a dame shower and go to bed, but I just don't care. I don't want to go to bed, for so many reasons. And I don't want to do anything for so many reasons. I still want to paint my nail, I have couple online lessons to watch, I have stupidly important homework to do. I signed up for all those classes that I was so excited to take, and now having absolutely no interests in them. I still want to learn them, just don't care to learn. My floor is disgusting, my sink is filled with dirty dishes, my bathroom smell like shit, my bedroom is chaotic like a newborns's crib. I just don't care. I don't know what's got into me and sucked my life away. When I look into the mirror, I don't recognize myself, right now it feels like watching someone else typing on a phone. I feel like waking into a movie and watch as a stranger. I lost all my feelings and my heart, there is nothing for me to related to this story whatsoever. I don't feel sad when I am suppose to, I don't feel happy when I am suppose to. I am a completely a weirdo walking in this perfectly normal word. Wish me luck.And I don't know what's coming tomorrow.

[xviiijn-blog]

.

So, yes!

I am lost. Like always.

at the end of the largest forest,

on the bottom of the deepest ocean, 

in the heart of the person I trusted most, maybe. 

when I was a little girl, 

father cared to teach me one thing.

Don’t you ever trust anyone, not even me or your mom.

I laughed and loved the world, the birds, and the people

How dare me? 

How dare me to think people don’t greed

How dare me to think people don’t take 

How dare me to believe in that walking creature cared about everything but else.

How dare me?

[xviiijn-blog]

9/10/2016 _DL

I was walking down street with my mom and my little brother.We saw a beautiful tea shop and decided to go inside and take a look. It was a small shop, but very delicate. On the right side of the store, all the teas are packed in metal jars in red-ish color. They are all extremely expensive, we are not going to buy any. In the rest of the store, teas are packed in green-ish metal jars. Those have a reasonable price, still expensive but affordably. My dad always buys those kind of teas. He was not with us this time, so we still not gonna buy anything. 

My mom asked me call a uber and we decided to wait in the tea shop while the car comes. The first time I try to call a car with uber, the APP called a driver automatically. I was surprised, but I know she was one of my favorite driver or something like that.  She told me that she just dropped a custom at a restaurant, and it will took her about thirty minutes to get to me. I looked at the map on Uber, and realized we are in a very busy street in the downtown, and this drive is almost outside the city. I decided to call a random driver closer to us. 

While we were waiting for our car, a girl working in the tea shop told me I should go to mountain and catch rare Pokemon. There was a mountain at the north side of the city, I have been there before.  I wasn’t gonna go cause I was waiting for the car with my mom and my little brother. But the girl kept saying, you should go to the mountain, you will catch rare Pokemon. I flipped and ended up at the mountain. There are a rare Pokemon standing right in front of my eye. I was gonna catch it, but something run passed me really fast and got the Pokemon, Right way, I thought I was another human. But all I saw, was a sight of yellow passing in front of me, and the Pokemon was gone. 

I got so mad, and decided to fight whatever it was. Everything got blurry, I felt something or more like an energy standing in front of me.It was very very strong. I suddenly know I pissed those thing by wanting to flight them, and I know I am at no place to compete with them. They attacked my Meow. It flew into the high grass behind us, and dropped half of her blood. I know I can’t fight them, or I get serious injury. I might even die. I run into the high grasses. It was more like a  chaos. It suppose to be high grasses, but once I am in it, I was surround by grey air with snowflakes, like a broken TV. I know those powerful things won’t be able see me easily this way, and I have to run now. 

I moved as fast as I can, and I ran out of the chaotic high grass, and ended up in the countryside road. I know they are still behind me, and I will be safe if I can make it to the tea shop. There are an abandoned school on the side of the road.I ran into it to get cover from the side window. I hear window breaks. Immediately, I felt the power getting close, and I won’t be safe in that school. I crashed the front door to get outside, and I was on the country road again. It took almost no time for me to get in and get out of the school. It all happened in lease than a second. 

I kept running, and running, and running. I was almost back to city, and there was those red, yellow, and black lines on the ground. When I ran passed it, they start to viper from the ground formed there human size frogs. They were the power I felt. I got so scared, and ran even fast to get lose them. I couldn't see them anymore, but I know they are behind me, and I have to keep running.

Finally I reached the city, I was thinking either I should ask the driver, my mom, and my little brother to wait for me, or they should pick me up at a different location. I was planning the route in my head, and the black frog was running behind me. The red and yellow line was on the ground again. I ran passed it, and the black frog said something. I know he was asking the red and yellow frog to show themselves. They vaporized like water and from the into frogs. I started to run even faster. 

I was in the city. It was not a modern city, more like an old Japanese country side. I took a left turn and ran into a house’s garden to hide. There was an old man resting under the tree. I was going to explain myself, but one of the frog was jumping from roofs to roofs and saw me from the high. Everything got so fast and blurry again.We were jumping on the roofs, walls, and fences. I was back in the garden with the old man again, and the frog tried to get inside too.He was on the wall and touched the black wires on top of the wall and passed out. I realized that’s how I am gonna get rid of them. Everything changed into slow mode. Another frog showed up in the frond door.I jumped on top of the wall and trying to get the frog to touch the wire. I even talked to the frog to touch the wire........

then I wake up...

then I had another dream about running in a almost closed mall and try to buy some street food that was about to sold out. The only wired thing about his dream is that I felt like I’have been to a part of the mall in other dreams before. But other parts are all new.