* sentence prompt / john mulaney edition: new in town.
( adjust accordingly!! i luv john sm and i recently rewatched new in town on netflix. maybe i’ll do comeback kid and the top part next time?? and kid gorgeous when it comes out lmao )
“i don’t look older, i just look worse, i think.”
“whoa! that tall child looks terrible!”
“i always thought quicksand was gonna a bigger problem than it turned out to be.”
“this toothbrush is bone dry.”
“my mom was more like nancy grace.”
“luckily, i had a good alibi since i was in wisconsin and 12 (years old).”
“why do people do that? why do people shush animals?” they’ve never spoken.”
“lost in new york? the streets are numbered!”
“how’d you get lost in new york?”
“i wish i was a def jam comic when this movie came out.”
“that is just pushing two words together.”
“thirteen year olds are the meanest people in this world.”
“because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.”
“hey, look at that high waisted man, he’s got feminine hips!”
“before i went through puberty, i had a voice like a little flute.”
“you know, how you talk to your grandma?”
“now when people make fun of me, i deserve it.”
“and i also don’t want me to be doing what i’m doing.”
“looks like the victim had anal contusions.”
“were bullets free back then?”
“i don’t like robots...thinking of things.”
“and she was drinking like a monster!”
[ mimicking mariachi band noises ]
“there’s a perv in queens!”
“it doesn’t have to be right, it just has to be short.”
“an angel is a child who has died.”
“a hero is anyone who does their job.”
“a bozo is any man who cheats on his wife.”
“and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level.”
“i just wanna sit here and feed my birds.”
“you want me to do what?”
“i’m either having a drink or i have to pee. i don’t know kid, you’re living the golden years but not me.”
“like ocean’s eleven with women wouldn’t work.”
“i was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick.”
“no it’s delayed nine hours.” [spits]
“no. in fact, we’re going to frame you for murder and you’re going to jail for thirty years!”
“i’ll keep all of my emotions in here and then one day, i’ll die.”
“i keep things all bottled up and i don’t drink.”
“i used to drink so much, i would blackout, and i would ‘ruin’ parties.”
“here’s a story i used to hear about me.”
“people were drinking like it was the civil war and the doctors were coming to saw our legs off.”
“he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled ‘scatter!’”
“and i said ‘no’. you know, like a liar.”
“because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.”
“something happened there. you hope it was a miracle.”
“because i am often wrong.”
“i am homeless, i am gay, i have aids...i’m new in town.”
“i’m very gay. i’d like a few dollars.”
“very muted claps for xanax.”
“yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shit i’m looking for.”
“hey, if this visit is to continue, i’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass.”
“you know those where you’ll like, ‘this might as well just happen’.”
“oh, stick it in! i’m an american!”
“it was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly, and finally flew out.”
jacobvanloon
yousharknotpass
andulkaphoto
areudirty
baratheonpilled
