白雅诗 @yashinee - Tumblr Blog

Posts

What did you ever do to fix our relationship? Run? Hide? Avoid? Sleep? Play? Why is it that when we get into an argument, it always ends up like this?

I try to act as if it doesn’t bother me but it does. It hurts be to the core. And the way you’re avoiding doesn’t help fix the situation at all. I’m mad. It’s always like this. And whenever you go gone, you’d tell me to wait for you and be more understanding. My patience is running thin. I’ve done so much and you so little. You expect so much from me. It’s tiring. s

All I ever wanted was for you to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. The things you do pushes me further away from you. Why am I always at the receiving end? It frustrates me because of your cowardice - you can’t seem to face me when I ask you questions. You’re always evading.

My thoughts run wild in the most quiet times. I find ways to distract myself from the hurt that I’ve kept within me. When will this agony end? It’s as if I’m at the edge of a knife. The pain keeps piercing through. Why do I have to feel this every time?

Often times I question myself whether it’s worth giving up my sanity for. I don’t feel happy; I feel like I’m just an accessory. Our wavelengths don’t much up - there’s nothing wrong with having different wavelengths it’s just I demand more since I give my all. This thought has been recurring for months, not knowing what to do. Do I deserve this kind of treatment?

i hate your wording. i hate it when i’m just trying to help, you’ll perceive it negatively. it frustrates me because whenever i say something, it’ll be taken negatively, so i just keep my mouth shut. i hate it.

I find it rather odd that the people of the older generations perceived the people of the younger generations as rebels for speaking up for justice, the truth, and for what’s morally right. They hate it when these youngsters meddle with politics because “wala silang alam” and “bata pa sila,” - invalidating points that were made based on facts, experiences, and evidences.

“Bakit ka makielam na di ka naman apektado?” the words that would come out from the mouths of the parents who found their child/ren voicing out. When given the answer “because I’m privileged but I do not want to use my privilege as an excuse to turn a blind eye on those who are voiceless.” They would then proceed to say, “problema na nila yun, ba’t ka pa makisawsaw sa problema ng iba? Ikaw nga may problema, di mo maayos ayos.” They would say that you should just sit pretty because you’ve got (almost) everything you could ever ask for.

As soon as these words were blurted out, visions were blurred by the tears that were piled up. Left speechless - not because what they said made sense, but because of their closed mindedness.

“I could not live in peace knowing there are those who would suffer when I have the opportunity to help them.”

If they, the younger generations, were to continue on this path, they, the older generation would implicitly threaten to cut you off and leave you with nothing.

Years of education wasted because of the invalidation that “we don’t know anything about politics.” Years of education wasted because you were told to just (blindly) follow what is.

For the past few days, I stayed away from soc med to have some self-reflection. I am stuck. What transpired during that 2 hour long conversation was overflown with an immense amount of sadness. I ended with “pwede ko kayong i-hug?” because I no longer know how to deal with the situation - no words would change how they perceive the way I do. It tore me up.

I am stuck.

They invalidate my points because I've less experience as compared to them. They are apathetic towards the plight of the masses because they have their own cozy lived to deal with. I can't express how I disgusted I am with this mindset. They mentioned that if I ever get to continue on my own path, they'd leave me - kind of a threat that they'd move me out. I will be putting up an act all my life just for them.

At a lost for words. My heart aches. Im dumbfounded

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness that succumbs to me every chance I get a glimpse of these two names together. The thought of it always lingers in my thoughts. I am asserted that what I fear of the most wouldn’t be done to me, but the thought of him still clinging unto her hurts me. I hate having to feel jealous; overthinking things and fearing of what might be. This makes me anxious, scared, sad, and mad all the time but still, I’m always responded by “ikaw lang man love ko,” “wag ka na sad.” If only it was that easy to just completely ignore it but it’s not. Considering the fact that he used to like her... I don’t know. I’m just making a fool out of myself. I wish I didn’t care much. I wish I didn’t care at all. This is what loving does to you, it will drive you to the brink of insanity and you can’t do anything about it but accept.

I bottled up these emotions, not knowing where to let it out.

No matter how many times I've tried to open up, you can't seem to understand. You've been stuck with the traditional way of thinking. I've grown distant. I no longer find comfort and solace within this place I call "home." Inaction made me less of a troublemaker – since you feared I'd become the "black sheep" of the family, but it made me feel hollow. I can't talk about my dreams, my passion, my aspirations, my ideologies, my beliefs without the fear of being judged. I kept them to myself instead. You've done so much for me financially and I couldn't be thankful enough, but I'm longing for something much more intimate than money – I want full understanding with no judgements.

I wish I was smart enough to understand what they're talking about so I could have a conversation about it with him. I want to talk but he finds it better to talk with his friends.

Finally found the reason why. All along, it was just that. I didn't eat the whole day because I can't stop thinking what I did wrong. It was just that. Misunderstandings and here I am, paying the price for it.

You wanted me to understand you but you won't do the same for me? What happened to talking things out? Your actions are so quick but you dont think shit about it.

I've gotten so used to the silence that it no longer makes me cry, but still it makes me feel empty. I've no appetite for anything. I skipped meals, I ditched chores, I closed my social media apps. Maybe, when this occurs more and more in the distant future, I'd care less of what may happen, I'd feel numb. For now, I have to succumb to the emptiness I feel. I might get a pair of scissors and draw lines on my wrists but I just did that just recently and I didn't want to add up to it. Then there's this quarantine, I can't go out. All that's left is to wait.

You know how when you open up to someone, who you trust in the world, about the things that has been bothering you and they respond by ignoring you, which adds up fuel to the flame. Yea, that's what I'm dealing with right now. I can't seem to understand why I have to be treated that way. I kept asking why but no answer would form. Was it because of me not speaking? I kept asking questions half the duration of it and I felt like I'm just bothering. Was it because I slept? But why is it when that was done to me, I didn't get mad? Why does it have to be me who' go chase after? Why does it have to be me dealing with this bullshit? I've dealt with this before and I don't want to deal with it again.

Currently, I've been practicing self-photography and make-up just for the hell of it. It feels great - doing and learning something new everyday despite being stuck in quarantine.

Man, I sure am happy. Despite all the things we've been through, we were able to manage to make things work out.

To kill some time, I'm watching Breaking Bad. I managed to handle a one-season per day basis

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

白雅诗