K

☼ cancer ☾ scorpio ➶ sagittarius 21 / somewhere writing

[ye2owm2cm]

“i’ve screamed all the anger out until it had started to burn, i had hurt my lungs. i’ve cried all of my sorrow out, drowning myself in a beautiful ocean of my tears, waves of tears full of razor blades of words crashing into you as my miserable self can’t pull myself back together.

i had hurt you because you hurt me although, i never really meant to hurt you.

i’m laying here at 5 am, falling apart while you’re falling deeper asleep. i thought i was supposed to be healing, getting better. i have been.

i always tried to avert heartbreak. a doctors noted diagnosis as heartbreak, prescription being find self-love and cry it all out. symptoms of heartbreak being self-blame, feelings of inadequacy, disassociation, lots of sadness, loss of appetite and fatigued. please excuse yourself from daily activities, sometimes even brushing your hair or teeth. alert if side effects doesn’t get any better within four weeks.

Heartbreak is a scary type of pain and sickness that is incurable. i don’t mean to make myself seem like a victim, i had just believed our unique bond was more than durable, unbreakable. the chain of events that lead me to crying on my best friends shoulder while you were in New York, and left me stuck in my bed to the point to where my sheets had left bruises on my body and my clothes began to stink because if i wasn’t good enough for you, i didn’t want to be good enough for anyone else.

i laid for weeks in bed, only leaving to go to work, popping a xanax and smoking wax. i wondered why they were better than me, why no matter how much i tried for you i wasn’t ever enough... nights of questioning myself, nit picking every little thing about myself from my big thighs to my belly, my big feet and ugly nose. i wondered was it even me? i wondered why. there is listeners in this world and there are analysts in this world. i am an analysts. i spent hours, for weeks, night after night analyzing every crack and crevice of every fucking situation. tears in my eyes, my pride in my belly nauseatingly, i realized i still fucking love you.

i know you love me, but sometimes the memories of what you had done to me an how you had done me flood my brain. i try to drain the pain and leave the mundane but sometimes easier said than done.

and now i am worried, worried that anytime for the rest of our lives when i venture the world of recovery, i will no longer feel any comfort in your encouraging words just all the venom within your prior actions an words. i am worried that no matter how beautiful i look on any days i will forever feel insecure about the woman i am. i am worried that no matter how much you tell me i am beautiful, i will never believe it. i am worried that no matter how hard i try, i can’t scrape the walls clean from what you had done from the walls of my brain with a loofah.”

— ye2owm2cm / / 5:45 am / / will it ever get better?

[ye2owm2cm]

“i like to tell myself it’ll get better; that in the end it’s all beautiful, pain free and peaceful. i don’t know if i’m lying to myself or trying to convince myself that is the truth.

i wish i was confident enough to scream it from the highest mountains and the deepest trenches, that everything gets better. i wish i was confident enough to believe those sappy tumblr quotes and the ed sheeran songs about love.

maybe confident enough to believe the Nicholas Sparks books, or the Rupi Kaur poetry. and maybe one day i’ll be confident enough to say that you didn’t mean to hurt me.

maybe one day those words will come out so strong they’ll cause the ground to split into halves, houses to crumble to pieces, and cities to burn to ashes. one day.

i like to tell myself you didn’t mean to hurt me.. i try so hard to put some faith and belief behind it but i believe that’s the last thing i could ever have faith in.

my heart aches and bruises line the areas on my body where you touched her, my mind is so lost i can barely recognize myself let alone you. your chest was once home now feels like i’m looking into a foreign map and i don’t know how to change any of the feelings of despair and anger i feel.

i wake up and i look at you as you peacefully sleep and i think about the words you said to her and how no matter how hard i tried i wasn’t enough but she tried so little and she was everything.

i wish i was here without being here. i wish i could feel every single emotion, without feeling the negative emotions. i wish i was able to be the princess, who doesn’t need the knight. i wish i was able to see the positive even though the negative is equal weight.

i wake up and my chest is heavy with hurt, my shoulders carry the world of my pain on a daily, and the past is ankle shackles and i wonder when. i wonder if. i wonder why.

i wonder if one day those words will come out. “He didn’t mean to hurt me.” i wonder when and if those words come out so strong they’ll cause the ground to split into halves, houses to crumble to pieces, and cities to burn to ashes. one day.”

— 7:41 pm .:. I Wonder .:. Ye2owm2cm .:.

[ye2owm2cm]

“insecurities screams louder than the demons in my head.”

— giving up .:. 5:52 am .:. ye2owm2cm

[ye2owm2cm]

“y'know, i may never be the girl of his dreams or anyone’s dreams, and i may never be someone’s perfect girl. promises tend to make me apprehensive, and decisions will often cause me to feel nauseous. and i sure as hell won’t be the damsel in distress who needs a knight in shining armor to save her and won’t live with a fairytale life, i won’t be the masterpiece with burnt edges who is still art when nobody is in the room and i won’t be the type of art who anyone stares at as they walk in the room, i won’t be the moon who rises when the sun, you, need a break, and i won’t be the ocean who calms you down when you see the tidal waves crashing into shore. i won’t be. my poetry isn’t always understandable, sometimes it’s messy and my vocabulary is too hard for some people’s understanding, but it’s definitely the most elegant way to scream my gruesome thoughts and hideous feelings. i won’t always have a melodic laugh (in fact, sometimes it’ll be completely gone), i won’t always have bright green eyes (in fact, sometimes the sclera will be pink and my green will be glossy), and i won’t always have bold hands that aren’t shaky (in fact, they never have been and they probably never will be). but i do know, that no matter how much effort out of 100% that someone puts in, i’ll always tragically, beautifully love them with 100% of me. and, with everything inside of me, i hope my 100% will be enough.”

— 2:33 am .:. 100%?

[ye2owm2cm]

— • is my 100% enough? // 4.35 am

— • why so i feel like it never is? // 4.49 am

[ye2owm2cm]

“what do you do when you pour every bit of yourself into a poem yet the one person who it should matter to doesn’t give a fuck at all.”

[ye2owm2cm]

“What do you do when the people who always hurts you are the people that means the most to you?”

[ye2owm2cm]

“A big part of growing up is learning.

Growth within anything involves learning. Anything in life. If you expect growth you have to be willing to learn.

In school and outside of school, i have always been told two things; “Be grateful you even get to go to school, some women in some countries are deprieved of the experience of getting to go and get an education.” and the second being, “Be grateful you get a free education, some kids in other countries don’t get half of the school experience you get.”

Sometimes though, us as humans take advantage of education and learning. No, not even just education in schools. But, if we as humans take advantage of learning in order to grow.

I’ve had a few experiences of my boyfriend doing just mind blowing, jaw dropping things. Sometimes it leaves me completely hurt and angry, sometimes i don’t realize part of how he treats and loves a real woman is part of learning and growing.

Whenever i talk to a friend about the bad they always say, “You look stupid, he’s never going to treat you right.” And sometimes when it’s bad, I think they got a point when they say it.

I think a lot of how far we’ve came, and how far he’s came. Yes, loyalty isn’t easy. But some females are. Some guys waste a year with a female who hurts them the whole times but never cares if there’s a million females liking his facebook picture when he finally updates it. Some women don’t care enough about a man when he’s still a boy, to show him to be a real man.

No, i don’t mean keep lighting your wick to provide light to someone who keeps blowing your fire out. What i mean is, sometimes, people will make stupid mistakes while learning and growing. Sometimes, people will make more than less, sometimes, people will make worse and less bad mistakes. Sometimes, you just have to look past the current pain of mistakes, and look at their growth.

Sometimes you may feel stupid, but imagine how stupid he feels when you’re packing your stuff?”

— Growth // Ye2owm2cm // 10:54 PM

[ye2owm2cm]

“I’ve never found so much comfort in someone’s arms like i’ve found in yours.

With the weight of the world on my shoulders, all i need to take it away is your arms. Staring into your beautiful eyes, being wrapped up on top of you, everything suddenly feels lesser.

When i’m as sad as i can be, all i need is you to hold me and kiss my forehead.

Your arms bring me a sense of security, significance, and calmness.

When my brain won’t shut off, your arms and voice makes it shut off.

If i could, i’d record your voice and play it back over and over again like a broken record machine. If i could, i’d make a cast of your arms and live inside of it forever although; it would never be the same.

If i’m honest, i thought i found love so many times, but i was wrong. love wasn’t the sweet nothingness that boys had whispered to get in between my thighs. love wasn’t the toxicity between the man who first broke my heart by sleeping with every bitch he could. love wasn’t begging and pleading for those boys to see my worth, to respect me.

love is you.

love is this.

love is us.

Love is the unconditional feelings you give me. love is the pure, honest, and kind words you’re always whispering to me. Love is everything you do but also all the bad things you don’t do to me. Love is the never ending support, kindness and respect you show me. We’ve never been perfect, and we’ll most likely never be perfect. Although, the love we share is extremely perfect.

You’re extremely perfect.

We’re extremely perfect.

To me.

Love is more than anything any of us have experienced. Love is kindness. Love is wild. Love is indescribable. Love is security. Love is you.”

— L O V E // 9:32 AM // ye2owm2cm

[ye2owm2cm]

“I never wanted it to be like this.

I never expected it to be like this.

All I ever wanted was to be small.

It started when I was ten years old, it was my first day in sixth grade. I spent all summer watching makeup tutorials on YouTube and practicing them for this day. I woke up early, put on some shorts and a lighter purple crop top with a dark purple tank top underneath.

I remember the snickers all around me.

My classmates had called me chunky, called me ugly and fat. I saw the girls in my school, the girls I played basketball and softball. They weren’t like me. They weren’t a powerhouse, they were ballerinas while I was the Incredible Hulk or Sasquatch or something. I knew I’m so much taller than every other girl, so I wanted to be tall and skinny. At least I’d be graceful.

I hid in a bathroom stall on the first floor during my second week of lunch.

My classmates watched me cheer, on a Tuesday, in a red Tigers cheerleading uniform. They called me a slut because my skirt was too short, but I had gotten length added to it, we were even waiting on my order to come in for a longer skirt.

I just wanted to bawl when I put the uniform on again.

I never wanted it to be like this.

I never expected it to be like this.

I just wanted to loose weight.

I was a freshman in high school, long blonde hair to my waist, still one of the biggest cheerleaders and one of the strongest females in my class. I still had my gut and people still whispered about me when I cheered.

Everyone would exuse me so I could shove my fingers down my throat.

I was a freshman in high school, running a blog about my struggling Bulimia, Anorexia and Binge eating. My classmates still told me when I looked fat.

Diffuse the calories over a span of days.

I was a freshman in high school, it had been a full four years since I started eating every few days. It has definitely only grown worse, sometimes I only eat every three days.

I never wanted it to be like this.

I never expected it to be like this.

I didn’t expect to be who I am now.

I wanted it to be like this.

I never expected it to be like this.

Watch what you eat, when you eat.

I wasn’t okay throughout my junior and senior year either. Much to my dismay, one hundred pounds wasn’t enough. I had to keep starving. I would downplay it when people realized the weight loss, baggy clothes and when people sat me down wiping tears away from their eyes, worried for my life, I never gave them the time of day. I fainted my first time my senior year, I realized I was truthfully sick.

I never wanted it to be like this.

I never expected it to be like this.

I didn’t expect to be who I am now.

I wanted it to be like this.

I didn’t expect it’d be like this.

Two years later, I ended up in the emergency room my fecal material was water. I had a new nurse, she sat on the bed next to me and stared me in the eyes, tears laced in her eyes, “you have the strength to overcome and breakthrough, you have it within you to pursue anything you want in the world.” My colon was enlarged and full of fecies, my asaphagous was raw, and my vitals and nutrients were low.

I’ve been in recovery for five months.

Watch what you eat, when you eat.

I can’t recover anymore.

I can’t stay in recovery, I’m too weak.”

— Ye2owm2cm // I’m too weak // 2:00 am

[ye2owm2cm]

i’m still going strong.

[ye2owm2cm]

“i’m always going to hurt.

you don’t just forget rape.”

[ye2owm2cm]

i cant help but to love you. you could physically stab a knife into my back and i would still find a reason that would bizarrely be logical. you could look me in my face and tell me you want to make love to her and i would still pluck excuses from my brain as if it were just a guitar. i cant help but love you. i could search throughout every field and pluck every dandelion for you, i could search through every river for the perfect rocks for you. i could move mountains for your love. i could skip every fucking rock in this whole world if it meant i always got to receive your love. i cant help but love you. i could see you making love to another female and i would still rack my brain for an excuse on why it was my fault, cause it would be. you could spit in my face and i would still hug you and tell you lets forget about it. i cant help but love you. the lord knows i haven't been perfect either, but fuck, i cant help but love you.

ye2owm2cm  //  i cant help but love you

[ye2owm2cm]

do you ever feel like you aren't yourself? like you look in the mirror and suddenly the girl looking back at you isn't the girl you always remembered? do you ever feel like youre physically here but you know your not? every word someone says flowing through your ears as if they were whispering, trying to avoid you hearing it?  do you ever start writing and you don't even recognize your own hands?  touching your own arms when youre chilly is almost foreign, when youre anxious and you touch your throat and those hands aren't yours? do you ever say something and as soon as the words leaves your mouth you don't sound like yourself. you don't hear you, you hear someone else. someone you hate.  do you ever look at yourself and wonder when you became yourself? do you ever look at yourself and 'hate' the woman you've became?

ye2owm2cm  //  Do you ?  //  12:20 AM

[ye2owm2cm]

Its my world of text page, you can type any emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. I will get to see it but the catch is that you can type whatever youre wanting anonomously! Please take a second to click the link and express some emotions or tell me your darkest secrets, ANYTHING!

I saw another poet on here do this so I thought id give it a shot for all my followers :) please join in!

[ye2owm2cm]

“one day.

one day you’ll realize the pain your thoughtless actions had inflicted upon me.

a knife in the back, and a gaping hole within my heart. i was supposed to be heartless, but of course shit never goes how it’s expected right?

one day, you’ll see that a goddess walks upon your earth, looks you in your eyes daily, and loves you with every fiber and being within her. one day you’ll worship the ground she steps on, kissing every footstep behind her. one day you’ll realize i’m your goddess.

one day.

one day, you’ll realize how loved you are and how damaged i am, when you choose to hold another female, you will realize how perfect i am. you’ll realize you had so many different growing women all within one, bettering every time i was torn to pieces by people like you.

one day.

one day, your jaw will drop and you will be so amazed at the marvelous mosaic that you have ever laid eyes on, a mosaic of all of my beautiful broken piece that you despise. i know your throat will swell up a little, and your eyes will burn, tears singeing your sticky wet cheeks.

one day.

one day, you will be venturing through a museum with your fingers entwined with hers. you’ll be smiling, laughing whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and softly pushing her hair behind her ear. while so you’ll stumble across a masterpiece, with beautiful curly hair, pale skin, and bright green eyes. memories of our nights smoking ganga and talking about all of the things we wanted to one day accomplish will flood your mind and your knees will be weak. Your gold chain will suddenly feel cold against your chest, your heart will speed and suddenly the nostalgia of our love will rain upside down throughout the world.

one day.

one day, maybe the memories embedded behind my eyebrows will become too much, maybe the memories will someday be a film that never goes away and plays on repeat in my brain. one day if that does happen, then your knees will be weak and the sight of me will burn your cities to ashes. one day if that happens your throat will turn to flames and you will never find the words to say anymore.

one day.”

— ye2owm2cm // one day // 2:48 pm

[ye2owm2cm]

“i really can’t tell you what my issue is.

it may be possible that you can tell me.

i’m not sure when it happened, when i started wearing my insecurities like a girl would wear her favorite hoodie on a cold, rainy day. somehow, without the comfort. i wasn’t very old, maybe it was because i was enrolled in a poor middle school and it was full of kids with limited intelligence.

i won’t let it go untold when i first experienced my insecurities, a vivid memory sitting at lunch at eleven when i skipped my first meal because i was a cheerleader and i didn’t feel small enough. the manifold reasons, the threshold of my teenage years was absolutely horrible from the malicious kids to the man of our household, who’s seemingly becoming less and less of a man as years pass.

possibly when i was thirteen and first found tumblr, when i first stepped into the online world with a new dream to drop a couple pounds reowned. very thin girls covered every inch of my dashboard, other lanky girls sticking to strict diets of fasting to under 300 calories a day, for a whole month. some girls kept going. pictures of beautiful girls rib cages, and it all clicked that i wanted to be them. to be like them.

it was all contradicting because i couldn’t end up like them without being dead. i don’t know if it was when i grew up and was like six inches taller than every girl in the whole school. i could restrict, restrict, restrict but it was physically impossible for myself to look like the women. it wasn’t healthy either. i couldn’t predict the future at thirteen or now, that’d i’d have drug addict tendencies when it came to eating.

there is conflict burning and singeing in the burial mounds called my mind, it’s became quite concerning now that i’ve grown.

i’m emerging from old pain, pasts, and hauntings. i’m loved by a beautiful man who loves our dinner dates. i’ve grown into a worried person, worried for the day he realizes i’m not good enough, and that he can find better. i still want to be thinner. i still want to be prettier.

i don’t know what my issue is.”

— ye2owm2cm // what’s wrong with me // 1:26 am

[ye2owm2cm]

“i’m so insecure no matter how hard i work not to be, i’m worried it’ll always be this way.”

— insecurities // ye2owm2cm // 5:45pm

[ye2owm2cm]

“love really isn’t how they make it seem in fairytales, novels and movies. love isn’t always perfect, beautiful, and it sure as hell doesn’t always prevail.

love isn’t always kisses and cuddles. love isn’t always laughing together and smiling until your cheekbones hurt. sometimes, it will be but, sometimes it wont be.

i have fallen deeply and peacefully in love with a man who has the most beautiful, thick, red, curls and the most gorgeous green eyes. a man with unconditional kindness and forgiveness.

a man who not only uses patience on the hard days where love is nothing like the movies. the days where i can’t do anything besides doubt us and especially, doubt his love for me. the days where everything is weighing on my shoulders and everything feels so damn heavy. he teaches me patience on these days.

during arguments he uses kindness, and afterwards unconditional forgiveness. on the days when all i can think about is the past and how he hurt me, he never fails to reassure me and hold me, reminding me how much he loves me.

so when you do choose your man, just know, it isn’t like the fairytales, novels and movies. but if he’s really the one, even when it’s the worse day, he’ll be your peace. your love and his love will bring you peace.

i have fallen deeply and peacefully in love with the most perfect human being and i don’t want it any other way.”

— our love brings me peace // ye2owm2cm // 10:37 am