yearning and pathetic about it

for aesthetic, fanfic and emo purposes

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

FICS LIST

CHOI SAN (ATEEZ)

- Speak For Yourself (completed)

JUNG WOOYOUNG (ATEEZ)

- Mission: You (ongoing)

JEONG YUNHO x TOJI FUSHIGURO

- Alpine and Earthquake

(i dont take requests but i am always open for comments and random rubbish).

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION:YOU

CHAPTER 7: CASABLANCA

wc: 4500

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tagslist: @hon3ysun @sl33ptalk @blue5ummer

***

mira

upon inspection, sleeping with wooyoung after all that didnt send the best message.

when i returned to him after awkwardly facing san, i realized wooyoung needed to seriously hear things without ripping my clothes off first, which was a bit hard to launch after i was the one who initiated said ripping of clothes. i didnt know what i was thinking either, its like my brain defaulted back to what was familiar, and it was exactly the pattern that led me to breaking up with him to begin with.

in just a few minutes within that, shame, guilt and everything inbetween flooded over me. i knew what that did to us, why would i perpetuate it? especially now that we needed to rely on each other more than ever?

i guess old habits die hard. but by god, they had to die no matter what.

"wooyoung?" i call him as i enter the room and close the door shut behind me. wooyoungs on the bed, and holds his arm outstretched to me.

"you ready to cuddle?" he asks me. always ready to priotize the least important things ever.

the post orgasm joy is faded from my face and i look at him deadpan once again. wooyoung frowns like he knows whats coming.

"we actually need to talk first," i say and he sighs outloud.

"what every guy wants to hear after sex, surely."

"we're gonna talk about how you do things," i start off. "how you handle things that involve me, how you treat me, all things you and me, actually."

"whats wrong with how i do things?" wooyoung has the nerve to ask.

one thing about this man, hes never been serious in his life. not even when he intends to be.

"well for starters, everytime you do things you do it with me in mind, but you dont really think of me," i tell him. "you make me feel like i dont have a choice. in most things. i used to go along with it because i love you, but this really isnt going to work if you dont let me breathe, wooyoung. im a person before i am your lover. i need my own autonomy."

"i know im not a spy. i know i cant fight. i know my law knowledge is basically pointless in this world because we live outside the law now, but...dont you think i should still be able to add things when it comes to plans and stuff?" i ask him genuinely. "dont you think its insulting for me to go from someone who had it all together to being treated like precious cargo, getting moved from one place to another constantly like i dont have any thoughts?"

i know pride isnt important. but i dont have much left. it is important to me.

"i know this might sound trivial to you because of survival and all but," i sigh and look at my hands. "i still want to remember who i am. even through all of this. i know there are going to be things that i cant handle, i dont want to lose myself as a person too."

wooyoung nods. i dont know if he even understands.

"so...be more considerate?" he questions. maybe he does.

"considerate and...less impulsive. i know youre stressed but your default being to push me away doesnt help me," i say. "im scared of being abandoned too."

"i'd never abandon you," wooyoung says softly. "i think ive proven that time and time again."

wooyoung wouldnt ever abandon me, yeah. but i think that just means he would never let me go. i'd never leave his sight. but i dont say that.

"ive proven that too," i remind him. "everytime theres been an out, ive stayed. so i'd like a little more credibility on top of that."

wooyoung nods a little better now, and i can tell that he somewhat understands. huh, somehow, that was the best communication we ever had in this relationship.

"do you have anything to say to me?" i ask him, inviting criticism. i know im not always perfect, just most of the time.

"just that...i cant wait for all this to end," wooyoung says, somewhat jadedly. "i want you to see who i am past...all of this. im not that bad."

i frown, and somehow, that made me really sad.

i never saw wooyoung with all this attached to him. this was new. i was learning to accept that this was always his life. the wooyoung to me was the one without all the chaos and violence. but i guess he means without any external forces governing his will in any way.

but still, i held a fondness for that guy that i met. even if it was a front. it felt real. it was real to me.

"can you cuddle me now?" he finally asks after enough of a silence has passed. a resigned smile hangs on my lips as i make my way to the bed and spill my arms around his chest, squeezing tightly. im sprawled on top of him like a sweater.

"you know before this...i really wanted to take you to a boathouse," he admits, stroking my hair. "i saw one online, at the beach. it was a black cabin, it had vintage marine decoration on the inside, there were so many pictures of boats and whales. i loved it. it looked so romantic...it felt so much like...you."

i smile into his chest, closing my eyes. "since when was i into that?"

"its all in the vibes, sweetheart," he says as if it was so wise. "sometimes when i used to watch you work, you'd have that quietness about you. quiet but still so strong. like the ocean and its lighthouse."

with the storm we were in now, if anyone was the ocean, it was not me.

"youre the lighthouse, wooyoung," i say, my voice getting smaller because i was fighting sleep. "cause youre supposed to make sure we dont crash."

"im trying." its the smallest i'd ever heard his voice. he felt so far away. his hsnds stopped playing with my hair as well.

suddenly, our comfortable silence was interrupted with a huge bang on the door, making us both jump up quickly.

"hey, your clothes just got dropped off," san yelled from the other side, somehow sounding bored despite the urgency of his knocks. "get dressed so you can get the fuck out."

"we're leaving?" i look at wooyoung.

"werent you listening to hongjoong when he explained?" wooyoung asks. "we're flying tonight. we need to stay in the window."

right, we needed to be undetected. if i didnt want wooyoung to babysit me all the time, i'd need to start using my brain again. i was always a smart girl, im sure once i adapted to all this, that it wouldnt be so fucking hard anymore.

before wooyoung and i get up, i nudge him. "you should apologize to san," i say. "for your earlier outburst."

wooyoung grimaces, showing me he had no plans of doing that. i look at him pointedly.

"look how hes helping us," i remind him. "he helped us get clothes, passports, a way out? i dont care if youre mad he offered to help me escape, hes still your friend and we'd be fucked if not for him."

"you realize i contributed to this too, right?" he fires back and i narrow my eyes at him, that makes him sigh and nod. "nevermind, i'll apologize."

we go to the living room and san threw out three outfits for each of us. one was a golden abaya for me, one was a professional pencil skirt and shirt that honestly looked like it couldve been in my warddrobe for a court visit, and the last was a plain black long sleeved tshirt and loose pants. the last outfit was the most depressing one, but it also looked the coziest.

but not only that, there was a hideous bob wig on top of that. i look at san questionably.

be grateful. be grateful. be grateful.

it didnt even fit my skintone. it was way too dark, and my skin was bronze.

"thank you," i forced out, picking the wig up and putting it on, tucking my hair in. it was a lot to shove away.

by the end of it, i looked like some jazz star from the roaring twenties. i felt like fucking velma kelly with less aura.

san smirks, he could tell i fucking hated it. "picked that one out myself, thought it really matched your style." he says.

oh there was nothing worse than receiving life supporting help from a ragebaiting asshole.

"you still look pretty, mira," wooyoung says. i look at him sharply.

"when did i say i didnt?" i ask him.

"i-i mean—"

san snickers to himself. and wooyoung unpacks his clothes. he has a standard male thobe, a salaryman suit and then an all black fit himself. traveling with three outfits each, was that suspicious?

"the rest you guys are gonna have to figure out," san says. "try your luck at the tourist markets."

"as if," i scoff. "and get overcharged? i mean i wont, but wooyoung will and i'll be overcharged by association."

"you can just negotiate right?" woo asks hopefully. but i never really negotiated, especially with sales people.

"i'll just threaten them," i mutter. "it would work better."

i just talked vaguely until they gave in to my thinly veiled demands. it worked every time. maybe it was the evil rich girl aura i was giving off to everyone and thats why they thought i was part of my fathers literal arms dealings.

"thanks san," woo says, his pride suffering through it. "and im sorry for...overreacting earlier. you were just doing the logical thing."

"i know," san says, looking at wooyoung flatly. "and good on you for apologizing. would you look at that? maybe she does bring out some good in you."

the way san said it was so condescending that made me wonder if he actually liked wooyoung or not. but the two of them bounced between that and undeterred brotherhood within minutes, so i couldnt even make that assessment. i didnt understand him, did san have some sort of dysregulation?

i mean, obviously, i know hes a spy. and that must take a toll. but with him its so drastic. im trying to remember if woo ever acted like that, just switching up in the middle of it and then going back to being human again.

and i realize he has, back when he pointed a gun in my face and almost an hour later he was trying to tell me he wants to keep me safe and that he cares about me.

was it some kind of training?

i never get to ask. wooyoung and i end up packing and i overhear san explaining to wooyoung where he can get weapons over in morroco from his contact. i tune them out when they start talking about guns. i wonder if i should get one. i can shoot, i was taught. and once something was in my physical inventory, it never left.

but what was i going.to do with a gun, was that a good idea...i should be able to help wooyoung but...

that idea just felt wrong.

guns felt.so overly violent. back when i smashed the fire extinguisher on seonghwa's head not knowing if i would kill him or not, that felt less dangerous than a gun. because it was just some random object, but theres only one thing to do with a gun.

and its not to make people pause. its to make them disappear.

"hongjoong's driving you guys," san announced. "so dont keep him waiting when he gets here. make sure you have everything and get out quick."

he was so comfortable doing.this, that i couldnt help but wonder about the agency. and if they knew what san was doing, how would they react. he screamed at us when he got here but, san still seems like a guy entirely too chill for the situation hes in.

maybe i was overthinking. i dont know anything about wooyoung and him. their friendship could be deep, and it could warrant this kind of grace. but then, what could have happened between san and wooyoung where this was the ride or die level they were at?

i put on the office outfit and flat shoes because thats apparently the only shoes san got. theyre hideous. they dont even have small heels. once i put the wig on, i knew it was official.

i had become edna from the incredibles. nevermind velma kelly.

wooyoung held back his laugh everytime he looked at me, i could tell. this fucker, and all he looked like was a regular white collar worker. he even got nice sunglasses. i looked terrible next to him.

i could not wait till we got to morroco, theres better wigs than this at the fucking chinatowns.

"rides here!" san shouts. and suddenly we rush. all of us go through the doors and run downstairs as fast as we can to avoid being seen by any neighbours. when we're outside, a black hyundai taxi was pulled up, and we quickly ran for the doors. san somehow also climbed in the passenger. i looked at him incredulously.

"youre coming with us?" i ask in shock.

san turns around and looks at me. "i have to make sure you assholes board that plane, dont i?"

"i love you, man," woo tells him, smiling. im missing something here for sure.

"ew," san responded and turned back to the front. hongjoong quickly pulled out from the front of the building, his driving so rough each of us jolted with every move he made. even with the seat belts.

"yo san, hop on the aux," hongjoong says. "and only click on my.playlists."

"i dont know how to do all of that," san mutters. and wooyoung reaches over the seat and takes hongjoong's phone, sending himself the playlist. then, he connected to the aux and started playing.

i watched san as No Diggity started playing. hongjoong and wooyoung were bumping like we were on our way to a party. and san seemed detached from all of it, just staring straight ahead.

i dont know why, but he gave me a really bad feeling.

***

through the line, and as we boarded a gate, san watched us. wooyoung and i had glasses on to disguise further, but wooyoung still felt he had to say goodbye to san in a personal way. i couldnt stomach it.

"i'll see you maybe in a few years," wooyoung said to him, smiling awkwardly that was hiding sadness. "i kinda got used to you saving my ass."

"guess its symbolic i did it one last time, huh?" san says, a small smile on his face too. it didnt seem as deep as wooyoungs. his eyes shift to me as i stare him down. i wonder if he can see through my glasses.

"take care of yourself, amira. that might be the last time you'll hear your real name from me." he said.

i furrowed my brows but didnt address that. "you too," i said, just to not completely leave him hanging.

"if you guys succeed, i'll take you out to saint tropez," san said with a chuckle.

"can you afford it?" i asked, mentally wishing i held back but kind of happy i didnt. san was still the biggest asshole to me, i deserved one last jab. his strangulation marks are currently hidden with a scarf and will probably make wooyoung look like an abusive boyfriend to anyone who asks.

san laughs lowly at my indirect insult and wooyoung ends up answering for him, laughing as well. "dont be fooled by his apartment. san is fucking loaded."

"perks of being the person cleaning up the messes," he humbly brags.

theres an announcement through the intercom. i nudge wooyoung letting him know we have to go. they give each other one last non verbal goodbye and i cant turn around fast enough to get away from him.

i really wanted to know the backstory of it, but i decide to wait till we're on the plane till i spring it on wooyoung. im so paranoid i cant sleep, but wooyoungs out like a light.

i watch everyone. theres a baby crying, its the only sound echoing throughout the plane. theres a lot of old people. it looked like a lot of people returning home, rather than traveling.

***

when i wake up, im sumaya benali.

we've landed at casablanca international airport. the sun is out, stabbing me in the eyes. when i look through the window, i imagine the hell we'd encounter on the other side. im not looking forward to it.

wooyoung and i have so little luggage that its almost pitiful. we drag out single suitcases down the planes walkway, and i mentally thank hongjoong for getting us cases with wheels. im hungry, i want something nice, even if its overpriced. but i stop myself, saving it for the street food i missed and loved.

i taught wooyoung some standard arabic, not bothering to teach him darija because of the difference. wooyoung was just happy to learn something new back then. we catch a cab outside the airport, and i end up having to command the driver.

"youre so hot when you talk arabic," he says. "your voice changes."

i hold back a smirk. "its darija. but thank you." i felt the same with him speaking korean honestly, i'd only heard him do it around his parents.

i never really went into detail with my culture with wooyoung, because im not a traditional woman. i didnt know i'd return to morroco so soon. it was nice for holidays, and to see family. but i was always someone who wanted to be away from home. now that im returning under these circumstances, i wonder if i wanted to be away from home—or just my father.

because home was home. but it was shaped by him, every little thing. the family trips, the snacks i ate as a girl. his presence stained every memory. i hate that even if i wasnt the only child, i still wouldve been a "daddys girl".  its funny how loved you are by your father as a girl when you dont have the consciousness to go against him in any way.

and this current situation, i never thought i'd be holding my breath at the airport as my passport is checked and scanned. i never thought i wouldnt be able to check into a hotel, because wooyoung told me we cant leave traces of where we're sleeping.

i mourn the silence of my apartment complex. morroco is alive, loud. you hear people, bikes, music. its so alive its like the walls are breathing. i cant help but feel like we are being watched with every movement.  i think of article 490 of the morrocan penal code, my law brain missing the rush of reading a statute. wooyoung and i were unmarried, so we wouldnt have been able to book a hotel room together anyway. we're screwed. it doesnt usually apply to tourists, except hes the tourist, and im not.

wooyoung and i end up finding a semsar ( broker)  an elderly man sitting outside a grocery store, with an oversized hat and drinking tea. wooyoung gives him dirhams so we can get a cash only accomodation, and i end up needing to wear an ugly fake ring so that he can think wooyoung and i are married. wooyoung's forced to do the talking because i told him it would be suspicious if i did it, knowing the backstreets. a man negotiating for a woman was standard, and unfortunately wooyoung had to do it in broken arabic and lots of english.

the old man understood enough. but then he gives me a strange look that makes me frown.

he stares between us. i hope we look humble enough, my abaya is polyester.

the semsar rubs his forefingers together. "the room is ready. 2000 dirhams for the week, but i must see kaghet." he says, all in darija.

wooyoung looks at me for a translation. i frown and tell him in english.

"he wants our marriage certificate before we can go to our accomodation," i tell him. wooyoung clenches his jaw.

"i told hongjoong if it was better if we were married."

"we were on a tight schedule," i remind him. and then go to answer the old man. "uncle, we had a problem with our bags at the bus station," i say, switching to darija. "i asked my brother to send me a picture of the certificate but he has not answered me yet."

the old man gives us narrow eyes, stepping closer and dropping his voice. "no certificate, no key. the moqaddem  walks this street at 10:00 PM every night. if he smells sin in that house, he’ll have my head. you want me to go to the habss (prison) for you?"

wooyoung doesnt like his tone one bit. "do i need to knock this son of a bitch out?" he mutters just so i can hear.

i shake my head at him frantically. "no, hes worried about the local neighbourhood informant for the police. they'd report us for staying together outside of marriage if they knew. give me an extra 200, i can talk this fucker through it."

wooyoung's eyes widens and he reaches into his pouch, taking out more money. he palms it into my hand, and i pass it to the old man, giving him a flat look.

he takes it with a raised brow. i hope he wont be difficult about this.

"sidi (sir) , we had to leave our home because of my father-in-law and kept our trunk, he has the original papers because he wanted us to stop leaving. please, we cannot sleep on the streets tonight," i begged him, pushing the extra cash towards him.

the man looks both ways down the alley and swipes it in one fluid motion, his eyes unimpressed. "if the police catch up with you, ive never seen your faces, ya?" he says.

i give him a curt nod. wooyoung gives me a curious look. "that looks like it was easy," he says.

"its easy for now," i mutter. we didnt know how greedy these fuckers would get still. he was already overcharging us because wooyoung is an obvious foreigner. i cant negotiate the price because we dont have forged marriage papers. god life on the run is embarrassing.

the semsar walks ahead of us by ten meters, hands tucked into his pockets like hes taking a casual stroll. the alleys smell like cat piss, and the kids are loud at every corner. its overstimulating, i dont even want to know what this place we'll sleep at will look like.

then, the broker stops infront of a faded green door, a rusted iron knocker on its wood. he drops a big key without turning around, walking ahead.

"dont look back. just pick the keys up and lets get inside," i tell wooyoung.

he swipes the key feom the ground and my breath shrinks. this is where our old life truly dies.

whenever i came to morroco, ive never not stayed in our family home. now i was in the backstreets, where everything smells like stone and everything is touched, lived in. you cant escape whats real.

cooking oil slips into my nostrils as we enter the place. we step into a courtyard, where what used to be a fountain, is now a plastic bucket catching leaks from the roof. theres colourful laundry to our right, its damp, moving with the warm breeze. and as we move, no ones doors are really closed. we see the lights of tvs poking through the gap, someones grinding spices in one, theres a pair of slippers halfway inside the door and the other end is squished in the poor attempt to shut it.

we follow a dark staircase tucked inside a corner. its steep, built at an irregular angle and made of rough cement. we find our room, and its a shoebox. a high ceiling with a dusty, diamond shaped window. no bathroom. no, youre lying. our fucking bathroom was communal.

wooyoung falls on our bed that looks like its made for one person and it immediately makes a loud sound that sounds like its planning to fall through the floorplan. he gives me a terrified look as he stays ummoving.

"so this is it," i say, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

this is what i chose. somehow, i preferred san's apartment.

"i dont usually stay in places like this," he tells me.

"a fugitives luxury," i say dryly. "at least we got a place, even though that old fart fucking made a fortune on us."

i look at him seriously.

"what is our next move?"

wooyoung leans forward and his face changes, and i see a glimpse of him. that wooyoung who pointed a gun at me. i swear im not imagining things, his entire eyes change.

"we meet up with san's contact," he says. "i need weapons."

"who is he?"

"cant get too much details, out of protection reasons. but the guys name is kang yeosang," he tells me. "hes supposed to sort me out. hes from this place, i cant pronounce it but..."

wooyoung takes out his burner, showing me on a very pixelated screen what the name is.

"aïn sebaâ," i read out, and give him a look. "thats the address of a factory."

wooyoung hums. "huh, thats a new one."

i felt uneasy. "san wouldnt betray you, right?"

woo gives me a look like im crazy for even suggesting that. "no. why would you ask that?"

"because we're walking unarmed into a factory where youre supposed to meet a man you dont know and hes supposed to give you guns," i lay it out and wooyoung rubs his neck.

"i know its shady but, everythings gonna be shady from now on, sweetheart," he says. and i dont correct him on the petname. at this point, the fear thats sticking to my stomach lining is overbearing. i take off my headscarf and rip the bob off as well, flopping down next to him. the bed threatens us with a low screech.

i lay down on his lap and he rubs my face, looking down at me almost apologetically.

"we made it to morroco," he says quietly. "thank you for coming with me."

where else would i have gone. i dont say anything to him, only give him a quarter of a smile and hold his hand to the side of my face, folding my fingers in his.

now, the real shit starts.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

ALPINE AND EARTHQUAKE

nerdy!yunho

earthbender!yunho

earthbender!reader

fem!reader

disciplinary guard!toji

earthbender!toji

WORD COUNT: 8100

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER ITSELF ONLY HAS LARGE AMOUNTS OF SEXUAL TENSION, NOT EXPLICIT SMUT, IM NOT FALSELY ADVERTISING SO I DONT WANT SLANDER, THE SMUT IS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OK BYE

reader x toji x yunho

tags: smut, plot and you'll enjoy the smut more with it, lots of geology metaphors, magic system but its not important, rawdogging, yearning yunho, toji is a warning on his own, delinquent reader, shes kind of OP, random ateez cameos, evil san, evil mingi, evil wooyoung, chaotic y/n whos a menace to men

first meet

the library was the first place y/n went once she settled in at the dorm of west cape, the all-element bending school. she found it ghostily empty with only two people on the ground floor, no one at reception. she climbed over the barricade and looked up, seeing a maroon spiral staircase that went all the way up to the glass dome. she walked up, and as she did she passed faculty floors on the way.

she stopped when she found one for the Earth Sciences. this was where she needed to be she assumed. well one of the places. she walked in, the rows of books calling to her. there were long tables separating the rows, and the librarian was gone too. she picked out a random fat book called Creation of Earth Quakes Through Earth Manipulation. that sounded dangerous. she slid her butt on the desk and crossed her legs, swinging them as she held the book open with one hand.

Earth Mages have the responsibility to restore the earth to its previous positioning after manipulation. It is the most important principle of sorcery, to not exacerbate the core source of our discipline.

"strong opening," she muttered to herself. then she found herself craving a cigarette. fucking hell after she walked all the way up here? that was her own fault.

she sighed, lowering the book to her lap for a second and looked around. there were cameras, but she didnt see a light on. there were also smoke detectors above each row of shelves. this was too much effort.

"what are you doing here?" a man's voice suddenly asked. she turned and saw a tall man with black hair and silver, hexagon shaped glasses. he wore a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black pants. he looked like a detective, but his face was young. he had stress in those dark eyes of his.

"the library is closed," he said, his voice firm. y/n uncrossed her legs and tilted her head at him.

"youre here," she said. the man furrowed his brows.

"yeah, so no one else can be here either," he said, sounding annoyed now.

his outfit wasnt the kind a security would wear. and he didnt look like he had the experience to be a librarian.

"wheres the librarian?" she asked.

"out. didnt you hear me? its closed."

so he wasnt the librarian then. no one with power anyway.

"whats your name?" y/n asked with a smile. the man shifted suddenly, surprised she would ask him that. what was she playing at?

"yunho...thats none of your business," he said. "you need to leave."

"okay, but then you'll leave with me."

"what?" he scoffed. "i cant...im watching the floor."

"no youre not," y/n rolled her eyes. "no one knows youre here either. you just want to get rid of me to have the floor for yourself. one person's not suspicious in a closed library, but two is. and youre a man...and im a woman..."

she trailed off with a smile, making yunho scowl. "i know how it looks. but mr yunho...im just here to pass the time and get a good start to the semester. so leave me alone? and i'll leave you?"

he was unsettled with how she said it in a sweet way, the tone didnt match her words at all. yunho's face went red. just who was this girl? and why did she read him like that? her eyes returned to her book, and she started to read like he was never there. yunho failed to leave too.

"whats your last name?" he asked after moments of silence. "youre a transfer...right?"

"on paper yeah," she answered. he was suddenly curious about her. "its ford."

yunhoo raised his brows. he knew that last name, most people did, but they never thought they'd hear it again.

"your grandfather was neil ford, right?" he guessed. "he left High Society fifteen years ago. now its good enough for him again?"

"not good enough for him," she said and licked the tip of her finger, then paged. "but for his granddaughters. we all failed at the real world, you see?"

yunho straightened himself, and he found himself curious to hear the next thing that would come out of her mouth. she moved so...deliberately.

"i was supposed to be some big shot prosecutor. but i was never good enough. its hard to be someone special...when everyones special. maybe here, it'll be different," y/n said absentmindedly.

yunho smiled, but it wasnt a kind one. it was the sort of smile that was holding back an even colder laugh. "its not different. its even worse. youre nobody, you dont have a rank."

y/n's eyes drifted to him and she smiled again, making yunho rub his forearm with his hand. "do you?" she asked.

"of course," he said as if it was obvious. "im a 4th Grade Earth Mage. but you wouldnt know what that means."

"i guess i'll find out when i take it away from you," she muttered, putting down the book and closing it.

"what?" yunho said with a confused face. y/n threw a smile over her shoulder. he was kind of hot, in a very no nonsense way. he wasnt trying to be, he just was. he wasnt the kind of irritating reactive, he spoke as if everything he said was certain.

"just a joke," she said, raising her shoulders and picking her book up. "im bored now, so im gonna go put this back."

yunho stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. amara put the book back in its empty shadow.

"you didnt tell me your name," he said suddenly. as if he was entitled to it. amara started walking away.

"dont have to," she said without looking back. and yunho watched her leave.

***

second meet

y/n had always had a problem with men. even since high school. having problems with women were fine, you'd just dislike each other and there'd be a level of slight animosity, but for the most part, you could ignore it. but with men? its like they made it a point to make whatever problem they had with her, active instead of passive.

they always had to start shit. and when she ended it, she looked like the problem. so y/n stopped caring about what she looked like. guys thought it was fun to mess with her because she got ragebaited really easily. y/n made it a point to never give them the reaction they wanted. but they knew she would resort to that.

so everytime they pushed it...too far.

looks like this year, there'd be more than one of that.

there was something about that goddamn disciplinary guard that irked her entire soul. toji fushiguro was a godtier earthbender but such an awful, irritable man. she loathed running into him in the halls, hearing how he extorted students just because he ran the academy. it irritated her as long as she knew about him, and everyone had warned her to not get on his bad side. because you'd become the butt of a long running joke only he'd find funny in the end.

there were few people in the library, people werent ready to lock in from the very start. they wanted some freedom before they needed to get serious. y/n walked up to earth sciences, and there were only two other people. one of them was yunho. y/n gave him one glance and kept walking, but yunho's eyes stayed on her, completely trained through his glasses.

she walked right to the book she was looking at last time. but the shelf was empty. y/n took a deep breath and walked up to the librarian.

"evening. did someone take out Creating Earthquakes Through Earth Manipulation?" she asked.

the librarian, a pretty woman with a long dark brown hair and stereotypical librarian glasses looked at her logs, humming slightly. "uh huh. it was taken out today. oh, jeong yunho has it, you'll have to wait till he returns it."

was she allowed to give out the name? oh well, that name sounded familiar. y/n smiled briefly and walked back, and yunho quickly returned his eyes to his book when he heard amara approaching.

she took a seat right next to him, throwing her bag to the floor and leaning her arm on the neck of the chair as she looked at him. "hey yunho."

"what is it?" he muttered. y/n found it amusing.

"you have the book i was reading last time," she said. "are you using it right now?"

"no. but i will."

"can i read it until then? i'll give it back."

yunho put down the book he was reading and turned to look at her. y/n was now wearing a black skirt and green jersey with a goldfish on it, with the shoulders loose. her shoulder was exposed, revealing a sun tattoo.

"its not for your level," he told her. "youre not going to understand it, so whats the point of you reading it?"

y/n smiled, her jaw tensing again. when the fuck did she ask him to speak so much. "dont worry about what i can or cant understand," she said sweetly. "can i use it while youre still here?"

if he lets me ask again i'll fucking flip.

yunho cleared his throat, reaching into his bag. he pulled out the giant book, holding it with one hand. it made his forearms flex. he was about to give it to yunho, but pulled it away just as she was about to touch it. she gave him a warning look. today was not the day to mess with her, seriously.

"tell me your name, and i'll give you the book." yunho said. y/n cocked her head at him.

junseo knew there were two fords. he just wanted to know which one she was.

"y/n," she gave in. "you wanted to know me that bad?"

yunho gave a tight smile of his own. "i just dont like when interactions end on terms that arent mine. last time, you didnt tell me your name and got the last word. that irritated me."

he slid the book over to her and looked away after saying that. y/n stared at him, thinking a bit too hard. he had a pleasant face. the kind where everything just made sense. his exhausted and judgmental eyes. his neat and fluffy hair. the fact that he looked like he just barged out of a business meeting because there was no ac. he had such a punchable face too, just her type.

"why arent you reading?" yunho interrupted her visual analysis, without even turning to look at her. she smiled to herself, he was proving to be not boring at all.

y/n took the book and stood up, sitting on the table with her crossed on the chair. yunho looked up from his book, his eyes finding the hem of her skirt first, and then her face.

"is it necessary to sit like that? the chair is here for a reason." he told her flatly.

yunho didnt look away from the book, humming slightly. "the chair feels too constricting. theres a lot of space on the desk."

"thats not what its for."

"dont care."

yunho sighed and leaned forward, nearly pressing his face into his book as if the knowledge would sink into his brain faster. she was distracting him now, no one else sat like that, so why should she?

"you have a problem with being the centre of attention, huh?" yunho wondered.

"i dont," y/n said simply, not really paying attention.

"i think you do," yunho said, again with that tone of certainty. "its why you act like that."

"ive never had to do much to get attention," she answered, sounding cocky but she didnt care.

"i find that hard to believe," yunho muttered.

y/n shut her book and slid it against yunho's, making his book flip shut. he looked up at her with attitude.

"wasnt hard to get your attention, was it?" she mocked him, then stood up and bent down to grab her bag. "thanks for the read. i'll be back for it."

she walked away, too fast for him to respond yet again.

***

first meet (toji)

being a delinquent unfortunately came easy to y/n, she pissed off men with just her presence, and when she bested one of the most well-ranked earthbenders in class two, well karma made sure it wouldnt go unchecked.

all y/n did was beat him, without sorcery mind you, and apparently that sent the university rankings and online Portal into a fucking frenzy.

at first she heard it in passing. two guys who walked past her and gave her odd looks as she put things into her locker.

"hey, isnt that the no ranker that beat choi san?"

"honestly, if he lost to her then he doesnt deserve his rank, fucking hell. seriously?"

"shouldnt this get added as an update to the Portal? if a no ranker can beat choi san then what does that mean for the ranks below him?"

"what the fuck," y/n grumbled, slamming her locker shut. she had no idea if the guy spreading things was san himself or her classmates, it didnt make sense for it to be san because who'd brag about losing, or spread it? either way, this didnt bode well.

if someone with a rank lost to her and it meant something, then that meant they wouldnt just let it go.

"i dont fucking feel like dealing with this," y/n groaned under her breath. she wanted to go out for a smoke but the outside exist was three flights of stairs down. so she gave up and settled for a nap. she spotted the utility closet and it was unlocked. she put her bag down on the ground and used it as a pillow, falling asleep almost instantly.

when lunch started, san was in the cafeteria with the other guys from his class, and they werent giving him a break. he was sick of it.

"if you guys think i lost and that that should count on the Portal youre fucking morons," san snapped, stabbing his ramen. "hey, if im in another class meant to be used as a benchmark, then i cant give them my all cause then everyone would just lose. are you guys stupid?"

"but they said she walked you in hand to hand," wooyoung pointed out, looking at san over his glasses. "you didnt use magic."

"yeah cause she doesnt know how to use magic yet, are you deaf?" san scoffed.

"but that means youre worse at normal combat than her," mingi added his two cents. san was on the edge, he folded his hands infront of him and smiled tightly.

"think what you want," he sighed. "but when we fight for real, dont act surprised when you see how i switch up."

the guys all looked at each other with curious glances. meanwhile, y/n's wrist watch alarm went off in time for lunch. she yawned and picked up her bag, opening the door and making someone gasp suddenly.

when she turned her head, winter stood right next to the door, holding her heart as she looked at y/n.

y/n smiled. "oh hey, hows it going?"

"what are you doing in the closet y/n?" winter said with a slight chuckle. "you scared the shit out of me."

"nap time," y/n grinned. "its lunch now, right?"

"uh huh. i just got something from my locker, wanna walk to the cafeteria together?" winter offered. y/n was never more grateful.

"of course," she said with a nod.

when they started walking, the curiousity hung on the tip of winter's tongue and she wasnt swallowing it well. "so..." she started, looking at amara with narrowed eyes. "i heard some stuff about you."

"oh brother," y/n sighed, already knowing. "it wasnt that dramatic, trust. i dont know why people are talking about it, this shouldnt be news...this isnt high school."

"i never explained it to you, thats on me," winter said with a sigh. "but i didnt think i'd need to so soon, you looked really chill."

"what are you trying to say?"

"the people ranked on the Portal are the strongest people at west cape. theyre not just strong, theyre part of societies, and societies are a big deal once you graduate. theyre like a clan, a gang if you will. they receive benefits and everything once they join, and theyre very strict on their members. if you slack, if youre lazy, you'll get booted from the society and basically suffer at the hands of your ex society and the societies who rivalled yours," winter explained, making y/n's head spin.

"woah woah woah, im so chill on that," y/n scoffed

"choi san's part of the Yunjang society," winter said with a frown. "you embarrassed him, now people are gonna think his rank is fraudulent, and the ones ranked below him are gonna challenge him for his spot. if he loses, theres no telling what he'll do."

y/n gave her an incredulous look. "if he loses he should take a loss, thats how it works."

winter adjusted her glasses. "maybe out there. but not in here. you got unlucky i guess, you werent invisible for even a second."

"look, i dont want to deal with bullshit. how do i fix this?" y/n asked genuinely.

"i guess you could apologize..."

y/n stopped in her tracks. "for what? beating him? he was going to use magic on me knowing i cant do magic yet. he fucking lost cause he was shit."

winter paused in her tracks as well, her worried curved brows making her look at y/n pitifully. "if you apologize to san, he might save face or he.might lose it more because you'd be apologizing for beating him. it could piss him off."

y/n crossed her arms. "yeah, i'd be embarrassed if i got beat by someone and.they apologized later for beating me.too bad. and i didnt even beat him badly at all. i came.off as cocky afterward, i guess. but thats all i can apologize for."

"thats perfect! do that then," winter abetted. "theyre prob in the caf now, lets go. i'll go with you."

hopefully choi san was a.reasonable guy.

***

when y/n and winter got to the cafeteria, it didnt feel so intimidating, because y/n was completely unaware of all the eyes on her. they were subtle, gave her one glance and then looked away, but only did so just to make under-breath comments. san sat in the corner at Yunjang's unofficial designated table. he was now sitting on the surface, next to his bowl as he excited spoke about skiing. his passionate tangent was quickly interrupted and sunken by the motion of his fellow brothers eyes shifting from him to the girl steadily approaching behind him.

when san turned around and saw y/n, his day was ruined. he twisted his body to look straight at her, and her face was still the same as this morning. flat and bored. what the hell could she possibly want.

"hey," she said, clearing her throat. winter stood a few feet away, they didnt even look like they walked in together. "sorry to disturb your lunch. could i speak with you?"

mingi and wooyoung looked at each other with maxxed out curiousity. san on the other hand was appalled.

"what makes you think you can talk to me?" san  asked with a raised brow. it made y/n's back muscles tense from holding herself back.

he was extra arrogant infront of his group. it was probably to compensate for how absolutely shit he was this morning. but y/n didnt care for his social standing, she just wanted to ensure he didnt rattle hers. so she gave in.

"i just wanted to apologize," she said, ignoring his probing tone. "i was cocky and had a bad attitude after your demonstration this morning. that wasnt very mature of me. i dont want us to have bad blood now that im joining your class."

"wow shes so sweet," mingi said behind san mockingly. "how can you not forgive her, sannie?"

"yeah, shes being the bigger person," wooyoung added with a snicker.

san's jaw was still clenched. see, to him, this didnt look like an apology. it looked like a cowards way out of reaping what she sowed. san thought she was just running away from being fodder in the second class.

but y/n put on an apologetic face, losing her nonchalance. she waited till san said something. he wiped his nose with his knuckles, then chuckled lowly.

"you know what? sure," he said, smiling. "it wasnt that deep. we're cool."

y/n didnt believe him, but she didnt wanna linger around this weird stench of masculinity anymore. she nodded and attempted a smile back, although it wasnt a big one. "alright, see you," she said and turned to walk back to winter.

san reached over the table and grabbed wooyoung's open strawberry yogurt, then launched it at y/n's head. it popped against her with a wet splat, the yogurt oozing off her hair like a sludge. y/n stopped in her tracks and froze, and the entire cafeteria dropped into pin silence watching the scene unfold.

san's laughter was humorless and derisive. "who the fuck do you think you are?" he said. "giving me that dogshit apology. you know what you signed up for when you acted tough back then, dont come back out now."

y/n touched her hair and felt its awful texture because of the yogurt. winter looked at her with wide eyes, shaking her head. "lets just go," she tried to say.

"are you fucking stupid?" y/n asked calmly. but her voice immediately escalated to a harsh scream. "do you know what this will fucking do to my hair you braindead fuck!"

y/n reached for the chair infront of her and flung it out with both hands at san, and he dodged it with a duck. he looked back at where it landed and then at her, his eyes going wide as if she dared to challenge him.

y/n looked at him enraged, ripping the yogurt cup from her hair and swatting it to the floor. her fists were clenched to her sides. did he think that she suffered through years of studying just to eat up some rich prick's bullshit at this academy?

"walk away before you get hurt," wooyoung called to her. y/n's eyes narrowed.

"shut the fuck up, you spectating asshole. no one asked you," she spat, still looking right at san. "you just gonna sit there, you pussy?"

san dared to laugh again and y/n charged first, her patience having reached a boiling point. san picked up his ramen bowl and was prepared to smash it into y/n's ear, but she was yanked back by her collar by another guy, tossing her across an empty table. she landed on her feet in confusion, but the guy was fast, behind her already and dragging her out of the caf while san and the others watched.

she was shoved against a locker far enough away, struggling with internal screams. the guy shoved her back and held her there with one hand, his bicep the first thing she noticed before his face. and when she looked up at his face she saw a man that was at least 29, with messy black hair and a black shirt that was too tight on him.  amara couldnt focus on how hot he was unfortunately, she was bubbling with rage.

"who the fuck are you," she snarled. "and get your fucking hand off my tit."

the guy had a nerve to squeeze. "its not on your tit, thats just the top of it," he said, his voice raspy. he smoked a pack a day, she could tell. "and im not letting you go back there."

"you think you can tell me what to do?" y/n scoffed, trying to push his arm off but his grip was ridiculous. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

"i get paid to keep little brats like you at bay," he said. "using magic in fights here can lead to expulsion. you dont want that."

"i didnt use magic are you fucking blind too?" y/n hissed. the guy raised his brow, finding her sharp tongue amusing.

"man you got a mouth on you," he mocked. "doesnt mean you should run it."

she was getting irritated beyond repair now. she might actually kill someone today. winter came running down the hall, freezing when she saw the scene. "toji...let her go, please. its her first day, she didnt know the rules." winter pleaded.

"why the fuck are you begging this dickhead?" y/n snapped at winter, who put her finger to her lips to get y/n to shut up.

"first day, huh?" toji mused, looking at y/n to infuriate her further. "she shouldnt be having this much of an ego then. threw a chair just to miss."

"it wont happen again," winter said.

toji gave amara one last shove against the locker before removing his hand. "better not," he scoffed, then started walking off. y/n was about to charge at him but winter completely got in the way with her entire body.

"dont, toji's part of the disciplinary society," she quickly said. "he can get you fucked over massively."

y/n stopped herself and wiped her clothes, gritting her teeth. "so what, hes a fucking glorified security guard? give me a break."

"there are so many societies on campus, he makes sure that the rivalries stay controlled and that they dont kill each other," winter explained. "hes not just a security guard. hes an elite earthbender. hes not someone you can mess with, he can fight most people in these societies thats why they stay clear of him."

"dont care," y/n said with a clipped tone. "its over for that san fucker if i get him alone."

winter sighed. "im sorry, that was just such a bad idea. i shouldve known they'd be too spiteful to let it slide."

"there wasnt shit to let slide!" y/n burst out. "he fucking lost to me and couldnt take it so he whined like a little bitch. and i made him feel even more stupid when he couldnt walk properly. hes a fucking joke."

winter awkwardly pursed her lips inward. "you really do have a way with words."

y/n sighed, realizing she really needed to calm down. "i gotta go rinse my hair off. fucking hell, see ya."

y/n walked down the hall in defeat, flicking the yogurt onto the floor.

***

second meet (toji)

on her way to her locker, y/n's shoulder and nearly the rest of her collided with toji's imposing arms, and he nearly knocked her into the lockers. her bag flew off her shoulder and onto the ground and she huffed, glaring at him. toji smirked, a wry smile hung on his lips as he looked down at her. she picked up her bag with a quick swipe, then kept walking.

she didnt feel like dealing with this asshole right now. then, unfortunately for her, he started following her to her locker.

"do you need something?" she whipped around when she got to it. he leaned against the locker, narrowing his eyes at her.

"heard you got placed in class two," he drawled. "if you wanna make it around here, dont go picking fights with assholes like choi san and yunjang. no ones gonna help you, least of all me."

y/n gave him a disgusted look. "sorry, did i ever ask for your help?"

"you will," he said certainly. "everyone does when they mess with societies and cant back up for it. and youre a transfer, i know you dont know how to do magic yet. not a smart move on your part, kid."

"im turning twenty three," y/n corrected him coldly. "so dont refer to me as a kid, thank you."

"well, im older. so i'll refer to you however i like," toji mocked, cocking his head at her. "honestly, im not usually the type to do this, but i felt kinda bad for you yesterday. yogurt in your hair and all. i can help you fight yunjang, for a price."

y/n scoffed, crossing her arms. "and what price is that?"

"seven hundred, and i'll make sure he'll never catch you alone. i can hook you up on all the spots on campus they'll never find you," he wagered.

was she being...fucking bribed right now?

"i thought you dont help people," y/n questioned.

toji gave her an obvious look. "yeah, i dont help people for free."

then, it all hit her. and suddenly y/n started laughing. oh, and it was meant to scathe.

"i get it now," she smirked back, taking toji aback. "youre a fucking whore. you'll do anything for money."

toji comically narrowed his eyes. "well, yeah...but thats not what a whore really is," then his eyes turned challenging again. "but if you want me to be one, i can do that too. im just serious about my money."

"you dont get paid enough or something?" she mocked.

"i like horses," toji shrugged. "you have my offer though, think about it. all students do."

so he was running a scheme to get extra money out of people. everyone at this place was so fucking weird.

"no thanks," y/n said, putting back her last book and closing her locker with a quick slam. then she gave toji one last once over, god how did he look so good and he was so embarrasing? he had no shame either.

"brokie," she sneered at him and then walked away, with her bag swaying back and forth on her shoulders. toji chuckled to himself, watching her walk away, the silhouette of her hips swaying dancing on the shadows of the floor as she disappeared.

***

the collision

y/n was lucky, and that pissed most people off. the fact that her body was already hardened and conditioned for martial arts, meant that when it came to earthbending, once she scripted what she wanted to learn, her body was remember it easily. and few people had this same luck. it made them envious, especially when it came to ascending rank.

she just had to focus. her grandfather always told her sorcery came natural to her, it would be difficult for her to live without it for long. so she just had to find a quiet spot. y/n ended up leaving the building, finding a spot across the athletic field at a building that looked dry and deserted.

she wrote out the rest of her notes that she conceptualized.

causation: when i summon earth, my next action has to link with the harm i intend to cause. if i summon a slab of earth, will i punch it at my opponent to hit him in the face? or will i kick it?

since y/n was 80% legs, she was stronger with them and had good endurance. sometimes they felt like they were on fire when she fought with how the adrenaline coursed through them. hers notes were so clean and well structured that they were basically a spell on their own.

she stood up, looking at the athletic field stretched ahead of her. it was normal, flat soil with a layer of grass. y/n raised her hand, slowly motioning a chunk of earth to come with it.

with a clean exit, a sizable chunk lifted from the ground, the loose soil raining back down into the hole it left. y/n's breath was steady, and she realized it didnt even feel like she was doing it. it felt like the act of lifting something, without feeling fifty percent of its weight, but it still lived in your fingertips.

it wasnt difficult at all. she smirked, then remembered what she read in the book at the library.

return the earth to its place after manipulating it, do not exacerbate the source of magic.

y/n carefully returned it, then ran to the spot once it was flat to wipe away the cracks in the ground with her shoes.

she was proud, now that she knew she could summon the earth, she just needed to know what to do with it.

"im a martial artist first, not a sorcerer," she said to herself, assuredly. "better than anyone here. i'll use the earth like my gauntlet, and for my kicks, i'll use it like a punching bag. it has to swing at someone."

after thinking that hard, y/n pulled out a cigarette to take it easy. she took one long hard drag from her malboro gold, blowing out a satisfying puff. she almost moaned. the sun was strong today, so she went under the canopy of the building, leaning back as she watched the emptiness of the field and listened to the song of the birds.

when her cigarette was halfway done, it was plucked from her fingers and she jumped up, seeing toji walk out from around the building and look at her cigarette with disgust.

"these are terrible for you," he said, tossing it to the ground. y/n jumped at him to stop him, and he held her at bay yet again as he flattened it with his shoe.

"what the fuck!" she snapped, glaring at him again. "why the hell are you even here?"

"this is the sports building," he answered with a smile, satisfied to see her foaming with irritation. the smoke was still on her breath, she was breathing so hard its like she was trying to savour the last of it. "im the fitness coach."

y/n threw his hands downward, scowling. "youre kidding."

toji raised his brows, crossing his arms. everything from his chest, to arms immediately flexed under the flimsy weight of his shirt. poor shirt, holding on for dear life.

"you know anyone else fitter than me to do that?" he challenged. y/n cleaned her teeth.

"ugh, whatever. i dont care," she sighed. "i was just rid of you."

"you came to MY building," he said with a mocking laugh.

"i didnt know it was yours," she defended herself. "obviously i wouldve gone somewhere else where my cigarettes wouldnt be wasted. you could have at least smoked the rest of it."

toji narrowed his eyes at her. "i dont smoke. i like being strong."

she was taken aback by that. so he just...sounded that way? fucking hell.

y/n couldnt help but look at toji in his entirety. his build, his dark, cynical eyes, his wry smile and messy black hair. he probably made a fair amount if good women lose sleep. just....

her type.

"are you checking me out, kid?" toji laughed heartily, stepping forward and making her freeze, but she made no attempt to move back.

"assessing," she corrected, looking up at him. "i was assessing you."

"right. i dont think its me you should be assessing. i saw your little magic trick, good on you for summoning, but youre gonna need a little more than an easy trick that everyone in class two can do if you wanna survive your lesson today," toji told her. amara swallowed hard. he was right.

"theyre waiting for you," toji muttered, not even looking at her eyes anymore. y/n didnt want to follow where his gaze was dropping. "i can help you out here, but not in that class."

y/n wiped her face and turned away quickly. god, he was suffocating. "again, i never asked for your help. ive always figured things out by myself."

"oh yeah?" toji drawled with a lopsided grin. he kind of wanted to see her eat shit because she was so smartmouthed. just a little bit of humbling for all that apathy wrapped arrogance.

suddenly, an idea flashbanged in her brain, and she couldnt figure out if she was just being delusional or not. but since she learned so fast through her own conceptualization, since it all came so natural once it was her own words...

there was something she needed under her belt.

y/n suddenly faced toji again, and he was so close to her they were almost inches apart. she was forced to step back, making him laugh again. but this time she didnt pay him any mind.

"do you know jeong yunho?" she asked suddenly.

toji went quiet, narrowing his eyes as he pretended to think. "hmmm, uptight, glasses, nerdy little shit?"

y/n nodded eagerly. "yes! do you know where i can find him?"

it wasnt night time yet, yunho might not be at the library yet. she knew he wasnt there all day.

"i know where everyone is," toji boasted in a careless tone. "hes a third year earth mage."

"tell me where i can find him."

toji cocked his head. "in exchange for what?"

y/n looked at her watch and nearly screamed out of frustration. she had an hour.

"i'll fucking owe you," she quickly snapped, swallowing hard. "i'll give you anything you name, just give me his location immediately. he has something i need."

y/n realized she couldve just asked toji to teach it to her, but how would she learn fast enough without her own conceptualization? she needed to do this alone. toji teaching her would probably cost her more.

"i dont typically do favours on loan," toji said seriously. "but okay, i'll hold you to your word. is that right, y/n?"

that was the first time he said her actual name. fucking hell. y/n nodded quickly, nearly holding onto him from wanting to rush him.

"third years are on the sixth floor at the dorms. that nerdy little shit is the 19th door," toji said.

"thank you, fuck!" she quickly ran to pick her bag. toji watched her run, leaning against the pillar of the canopy. he didnt remind her again that she owed him. instead the curiousity of what she would do ate him up.

y/n sprinted across the field, all the way back to the dorms. her ascent up the six flights of stairs burnt her calves and the back of her thighs, but she refused to feel it. when she got to that 19th door, she prayed someone would open when she slammed her fist onto the doors face. when there was a brief pause, she hit the door harder.

then, the door opened up with an irritated swing.

"i told you to wai—" yunho's deadpan voice died out as he looked at her, in a pajama pants and shirtless. y/n took him in with one scan, pocketing that image for later. he had a nice body, but now was not the time. she forced entry, slamming the door behind her.

"yunho," she said breathlessly. "please, i need the earthquake book."

yunho gave her an incredulous look, his eyes going wide behind his silver frames. "are you insane? you ran all the way here for that? how did you find out where i was?"

"can i just explain that later?" she pleaded, pushing her hair back. yunho swallowed at the sight. "fuck, i really need it. im in shit."

"alright," he muttered, then bent down to get his bag. his arms flexed as he pulled it out and handed it to her. y/n grabbed it with both hands, falling to the soft grey mat that was infront of his bed, pulling her stationary out of her bag and her notebook.

then, she started conceptualizing.

1. convergent boundaries: force the plates against each other or force the one plate to drive underneath the other. like two co-offenders working together to commit mutual assault.

2. divergent boundaries: force the plates apart, they can go opposite ways, like tug of war on equal footing.

3. transform faults: slide the plates across each other, make it impossible to stand. equal force in opposite directions.

that was the only things she wanted to note. yunho stood over her, looking at her notes in poorly hidden amazement. when she shoved her book shut and forced it back into her bag, she checked the time. she had to get to the venue.

when she stood up, her arm grazed his stomach, the contact feeling electric. y/n looked up at yunho, chalking it up to her ever-increasing adrenaline. he didnt see it that way.

"what are you planning to do?" he asked her.

she sighed and handed him the book. "i have to be a mountain today," she said vaguely. "so im gonna show yunjang its hard to climb the peak."

"yunjang?" yunho repeated, his confusion only anticipating. "y/n—"

another man saying her name today. before she knew it, y/n would have a harem. and she wouldnt feel bad about it at all. she gave yunho one last look before walking to the door.

"thanks, i owe you," she told him, then swung out of the door. again, he barely got a word in. yunho only stared at the face of his door, his heart quietly racing as he stood with the book in his hand.

***

beating san, wooyoung and mingis ass

when y/n arrived at class two, the match ups were expected. she knew she'd be kicked from this class and dumped lord knows where if she failed to beat san today.

but when it came to the actual match up, it wasnt just san she had to beat. mingi and wooyoung offered themselves up too.

y/n didnt bother debating the fairness. who cares if it was unfair. in her brain, she ought to beat these guys even if they have double the amount of arms and legs as her. its what grandpa instilled in her anyways.

at the top of the colloseum, toji had just found his seat, leaning back with a greedy bucket of popcorn he just purchased. it was cheese and onion, and he put in a handfill as he watched everything on fold. time to see that brat either pull of a miracle, or get humbled.

he was fine with either outcome. as long as she remembered what he did for her.

y/n breathed hard, taking a ding bu stance. again, san had that look in his eyes where he was prepared now. but what would her next trick be? she couldnt simply fight her way out of this. toji leaned forward now, narrowing his eyes on her body dynamic.

mingi attacked first, summoning a wall about the height of y/n with an upward motion and then sliding it towards her with a hard punch. the sound of the butte rushing toward her was that of rocks being crushed together, and it moved fast. y/n launched out a side kick from ding bu, commanding that the earth block out the butte.

her earth collided with his, shattering into debris, she waved it away, then spun out a crescent kick, causing three slabs of slate to arise. y/n spun into three perfect kicks, her foot launching each slab at san, wooyoung and mingi.

wooyoung raised a wall to protect himself, san punched his slab down and mingi rolled underneath it. y/n took her breath, she envisioned this going differently. she envisioned san. but it was fine, because these attacks were not meant for just one person.

san ran, rock peeling from the ground and attaching itself to his fists like gauntlets. he jumped at y/n smashing the ground where she stood as she quickly rolled away, her body fast and agile like an ocelet. she returned to a low stance with her hands on the ground, watching the other two closely.

san was determined, drawing in the ground where she stood and sliding her towards him. she ended up right infront of him in her crouch, and as suyeom was about to stomp, y/n grabbed his thighs and swung through his legs, leaped up and jumped with both feet slamming into his back. san launched forward, and y/n put her hands to the ground, summoning the plates.

first, she moved san's plate close to hers. sending them in the same direction. convergence.

the ground shook as they collided, and y/n leaped into the air with her agility, driving her knee out and into sans face. he flipped inside out as the ground shook around them, y/n ending in a bridge stance to stay steady as san laid crooked and vibrating.

then, a slab came her way. y/n lifted her elbow to block it, and it smashed harder than she expected, knocking her back. when she got to her feet, she didnt give them a chance. they came running and she summoned the convergent plate on the fastest one—wooyoung. he approached steadfast, so the eruption was abrupt. the plate went under the other where wooyoung stood, and a crack in the ground forced him to fall in till his neck, and he cried out till his voice collapsed from the tight squeeze.

a boulder came rolling toward her, like a snowball effect but in reverse. y/n shot up a pillar from under her foot and let the boulder crash behind her, and she didnt think of a way down. so she kept bringing up pillars to catch her every step, shocking herself till she was on the ground. mingi had run himself in the other direction, and amara slammed her palms on the ground, causing another earthquake from transforming lines.

the plates rolled across, and he was falling in every direction and couldnt move. his legs turned to jelly, he shook on every step till he collapsed, completely defeated. y/n squeezed her palm shut, seizing all seismic waves in an abrupt halt.

toji sat with his popcorn falling out of his mouth. the entire class two had just witnessed something diabolical.

y/n...beat the yunjang crew.

"you can create earthquakes," master noted, flabbergasted. "then what are you doing in class two?"

"im not ready to be in class three," y/n quickly said, somehow, physically exhausted.

"who taught you that? that is not for your level," master said in denial.

y/n knew. yunho told her. she shrugged and gave an exhausted smile.

"im a fast learner."

"do you know class two fundamentals? you did none of them," master said. how could she move onto those kinds of moves with no foundation?

"i dont know any, thats what im here to learn," y/n said.

san sat up with a pained groan, feeling the throbbing and blood in his mouth from her knee strike. he was lucky he still had teeth. the Portal was already updating.

y/ns name had gotten uploaded, along with her picture of her sweaty, exhausted self after destroying yunjang. next to her rank, well

someone had put a question mark. with a fair note.

dont know where to place her because she knows class three power ups but no class one or class two fundamentals. but she beat san, woo and mingim so shes above them.

the comments flooded in. people were making assumptions. some said she had to be getting extra help. perhaps she had a secret mentor who was helping her...but then why would she not fill in the gaps and make a cleaner fight with all the fundamentals she knew?

they were left with more questions. toji opened his phone and saw a new player had been added to Portal. he looked at his balance, wondering if he could put money on y/n for the people above her. he gave a crooked smile, then closed his phone.

"not yet, kid," he muttered to himself. "cant rely on you just yet."

it was all agreed upon that that day, yunjang were washed. they descended in rank, but stayed where they dropped because the lowerbies still couldnt beat them. their rage from being beaten simmered, and they werent over it just yet. but for now, they would leave y/n alone.

[kamitv]

꒦꒷ KAMITV’S KINKTOBER ꒷꒦

— A/N: Welcome to KamiTV’s official Kinktober masterlist! This is constantly updating & changing as the month goes so please bear with me—all my works that are Kinktober themed & or have been posted during the month of October can be found here!!! The taglist is full please do not ask to be added, you will be ignored.

— Content . Dark themes ahead such as stalking, murder & or serial killing, obsession, toxicity, violence, possessiveness, manipulation, corruption, porns with plots, etc. Upon posting, each of the following oneshots will have a more in depth list of its contents. (Suggestion/Request Status: Closed)

! hope you enjoy !

EPISODE ONE: ▷ STALKED

Pairings: stalker!suguru & stalker!satoru x fem!reader

Synopsis: Living in a small town is not for the weak. Everyone knows each other and sometimes life can begin to feel very dull. This Fall, you decide to put yourself out there and attend a Halloween themed party with your best friend Utahime. Yet, during and after the party everything begins to feel... off as you begin to sense a looming presence somewhere in the distance. (inspo: the show "you" on netflix)

kink(s) of focus: stalking & obsession.

Aired: Oct 1st. Run time: 10.6k

EPISODE TWO: ▷ Five Nights at Fushiguro’s

Pairing: scare actor!toji x security guard!reader

Synopsis: In which you take up a low-paying security job at some horror theme park. By the time your shift starts, all the actors and people should have gone home and all you have to do is watch the cameras. And yet... you're not alone. (inspo: fnaf, duh!)

kink of focus: gun play.

Aired: Oct 3rd. Run time: 9.5k

EPISODE THREE: ▷ Morning Wood

Pairing: lumberjack!nanami x fem!reader

Synopsis: Car breaking down and lost in the middle of nowhere with an axe wielding maniac on the loose? No fun. Good thing a sweet, kind lumberjack offers to put you up for the night. He's beefy, brawny, and such a gentleman. You'll be safe with Nanami, won't you? (based off of a nonnie req)

kink of focus: fear play.

Aired: Oct 10th. Run time: 9.4k

EPISODE FOUR: ▷ The Summoning

Pairing: ghost!true-form!sukuna x fem!reader

Synopsis: In which exploring abandoned houses is your favorite Halloween activity. But, this year you explore the wrong right house and quickly find yourself with some... company. (based off of a nonnie req)

kink of focus: monster-fucking.

Aired: Oct 16th. Run time: 8.8k

EPISODE FIVE: ▷ Friday the 13th

Pairing: jason voorhees!gojo x slightly bimbo!reader

Synopsis: In which your playful jokes about getting fucked by a serial killer during a camping trip to Crystal Lake with your friends quickly manifests into something real.

kink(s) of focus: fear play.

Release date: Oct 17th. Run time: 5.4k

EPISODE SIX: ▷ Forget-Me-Not

Pairing: vampire!gojo x fem!reader

Synopsis: In which you're spending this fall season alone after your ex Satoru went and disappeared on you exactly one year ago around this time. As you're carving pumpkins and awaiting the nearing holiday, your ex in question returns... begging for you to invite him inside for some reason.

kink(s) of focus: corruption & odaxelagnia.

Release date: Oct 23rd. Run time: 11.3k

EPISODE SEVEN: ▷ MILF Next Door

Pairings: neighbor!ino x milf!reader & cuck husband!nanami

Synopsis: In which the newly moved in Ino Takuma can't keep his eyes off of the pretty married woman next door. It doesn't take long for you to notice your new neighbor's attraction so, of course you invite him over for a night while the kids are out.

kink of focus: cuckholding.

Release date: Oct 28th. Run Time: 11.2k

EPISODE EIGHT: ▷ High For This

Paring: fratboy plug!choso x slightly-bimbo!reader

Synopsis: You're best friend's with both your favorite emo fratboy and the campus plug. So when you make an offhand comment while under the influence one night that no guy has ever made you cum, he takes it upon himself to challenge that. (nonnie req)

kink of focus: high sex.

Release date: Oct 31st. Run time: 8.9k

EPISODE NINE: ▷ Don’t Hide

Pairing: fugitive!Sukuna x fem!reader

Synopsis: The last thing you told your ex-best friend before he was dragged off to jail for arson was, 'fuck you.' Five years later, he broke out of prison, and now he's coming to make good on those words. (other nonnie req)

kink(s) of focus: possession & obsession.

Release date: Nov 16th. Run time: 9.7k

EPISODE TEN: ▷ Happy Fuck Day

Pairing: serial killer!choso x fem!reader

Synopsis: Congratulations, it's your birthday! Y'know what else it is? The day you keep repeating as you find yourself brutally murdered each night by some guy in a weird mask. Only way to see the next day is by figuring out who your killer is and surviving the night... If you can get him to let you live, that is. (inspo: the movie(s) "Happy Death Day")

kink(s) of focus: jealousy/possession & knife play.

Release Date: Scheduled for next Kinktober.

SEASON'S EXTRAS: Drabbles/Shorts !

▷ Cum eating with Ghostface!Suguru.

▷ Tattooing Sukuna but he has a pain kink.

▷ Your Boss!Nanami who…

▷ Virgin!Nerdjo losing his virginity to bimbo!reader.

▷ Exhibitionism with your CopHusband!Sukuna.

▷ Zombie!Choso x monsterfucker!reader

@kamitv & @kamiversee on tumblr. All Rights Reserved. Do not steal, copy, or translate any of my works.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION:YOU

CHAPTER 6: YOU TOOK IT

wc: 4412

warnings: toxic relationship dynamics, a little freaked out, biting, unprotected you know what (sorry i was ovulating)

prev chapter

***

mira

sometime in the early hours of the morning, im no longer able to ignore my grumbling stomach. wooyoung breathes softly against my ear, his legs wrapped over my body, making escape from his knot difficult. eventually i slither out of his grip and go straight for the cold curry on the night stand. i cant stand cold food, so i leave the room and go to the kitchen with hopes that the microwave wont wake that demon in the other room.

i prop the food inside and wait for it to warm. while i wait, i notice a shelf in the living room, its filled with books. i look around cautiously before making my way to it and grabbing one at random.

The Motorcyle Diaries.

what is san doing with a communist memoir? i cant figure that freak out. i dont see how wooyoung trusts him-maybe im biased as shit, but that tends to happen when you get put through a glass table for the sake of an argument.

i rush to the microwave and stop it just as there's three seconds left, then sit down with the book and start reading as i eat. im absolutely losing it without a cellphone. luckily im already a che guevara fangirl, so i can brush up on my theory.

i finish my plate so quick i dont even notice. it doesnt fill me. im glued to the book and it makes me forget my surroundings. i dont even see san walk into the room. instead, i feel him leaning on the top of the couch behind me, looking over my shoulder and onto the books pages. i jump in my skin and instantly move away from him, slamming the book shut with one hand.

"relax," he says with a low laugh. "i come in peace."

i grind my teeth together, not sparing him my glare. my chest heaves uncontrollably against my will. i dont want to be near this bastard. "im going back to wooyoung," i say and march by, but he directly steps infront of me.

"what the hell is your problem?" i ask him with a hiss. "got another test for me?"

san looks down at me with an irritating amusement. so he finds me funny. "not today, no. what do you know about che guevara?"

was he going to use my answer as psychoanalsysis? a determination of guilt again?,

"im sorry, are you trying to have a conversation with me after you attacked me?" i asked him with raised brows. "do not attempt casual conversation with me without an apology."

"what a princess," san drawls. "i can tell you got everything you wanted growing up."

"yeah, i did. so if you are not going to apologize, please get out of my way."

"alright, my apologies. it wasnt my intention to go so hard on you."

i highly fucking doubted that. he doesnt even sound sincerely sorry. it sounds like a necessity for him.

san shrugs. "i have a unique way of doing things sometimes."

i force a smile. "well, we can agree on that."

he searches my face for something, and i can immediately tell hes analyzing me again. "no hard feelings?"

he holds out his hand toward me. i look at it and in my head, i would have spat on it. but i shake it and quickly drop my hand.

"guess i cant have hard feelings against the guy helping us escape, right?" i say humorlessly. little does he know im the most grudge-holding bitch ever. i havent even completely forgiven wooyoung. all i know is if i dont hold onto him right now i'll go insane. i'll be mad at him for everything when i know we can live without fear.

"i did not intend to chase you away," san says, gesturing to the couch. "have a seat. its all yours."

i feel like im walking on eggshells. i sit back down, but instead of leaving me alone to read like i was, san plops down opposite me, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

"you smoke?" he asks me. before i answer he says. "oh wait, wooyoung said you were an on and off smoker. so basically you still smoke. you want one?"

just how much of me did wooyoung tell these people. im actually getting annoyed now. how was me stress smoking relevant to this fucking mission at all.

"no thanks," i say, deadpan. "i dont like that brand." i didnt even know what brand it was, i just wanted to hate.

san chuckles to himself. "so...motorcycle diaries, huh? you a commie?"

i shrug. "ive never been one for labels. but che was one of my inspirations to study law."

san cocks his head. "a bloodthirsty revolutionary as your inspiration, huh?"

i narrow my eyes. he has the book, so i dont know why hes questioning me like im crazy.

"have you read marx?" he questions again.

"of course i have."

"so you are a commie."

"call me whatever you like. i just think people should live freely."

"thats a broad statement."

i sigh and look down at the book, deciding that i would ignore him until he got bored of me.

"you have a look in your eye," he says out of nowhere. "it reminds me of something."

i make a disgusted face. "ew, are you flirting with me right now?"

san narrows his eyes and doesnt laugh this time. "what radicalized you?"

"what?"

"che had his trip across the americas. so what radicalized YOU?"

i frown, looking down at the book again. i dont know why i feel compelled to answer him. i feel like im on a stage, and this is my audition. what part im meant to play, i dont know.

"when i was younger, one of my best friends moved to lebanon," i say, my words feeling empty. "she died in a bombing. no one knew if it was terrorist or political. i didnt care. i was angry no one was doing anything about it. she just went up on someones wall. and thats when i discovered human rights."

san hums, blowing out a large cloud. "interesting. you and your father couldnt be more different."

i roll my eyes. "i couldve told you that, without you choking me out."

"but then how would you have known you had something to be afraid of? im wooyoung's friend, i knew when to stop. his enemies will not."

"jesus christ, san do you ever take a day off?" wooyoung's voice breaks through the room and he walks in with shaggy hair, his shirt riding up and he immediately plops down next to me.

i immediately turn to him and scowl. "why did you tell your agency i smoke?"

"what?" wooyoung asks cluelessly, turning to san, who has an insufferable smirk on his face. "i never said that. why would i even tell them that?"

"hes right, he never said that," san says with a chuckle, making me glare at him. "when your father's file landed on our doorstep, one of your pictures was of you smoking outside your car. and your eyes followed my cigarette, so i assumed you hadnt had any in a while. my apologies."

"is he baiting you?" wooyoung rolls his eyes. "ignore him, theres a reason im his friend and hes ONE of my friends."

san scowls. "i have other friends."

"really?" wooyoung cocks his head at him. "why havent i met em? was this before or after we graduated together?"

"after. and one of them is coming here and bringing your fake papers, so dont doubt my social skills."

"oh shit right," wooyoung suddenly remembers, sitting up straight. "how long do we have?"

"you have to get out of here while your names havent been uploaded to the 'No Fly' list yet. you still have a window to leave this place undetected."

"so we arent fully branded yet?" i question. san shakes his head.

"not yet, they're still unsure if youre dead or alive."

"we fought seonghwa and mingi," wooyoung says. "i didnt kill them. so they definetely know we're alive."

"seonghwa might be debatable," i say, and they both look at me. "i did hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher after i sprayed him. he cant be doing well with the burns and head trauma."

san lifts his brows at me and wooyoung smirks. i dont get whats so amusing.

"and here wooyoung made it seem like you cant handle yourself," san quips. wooyoung immediately looks at him and i cant tell if theyre having a pissing contest or not. either way, i dont care.

wooyoung makes me breakfast and i hover in the living room as they discuss their plans. i realize why ive always hated spy movies despite watching so many of them. women were always collateral, no matter how useful to the plot. they always died to motivate the male lead, or they were reduced to nothing but a sexy lamp. no thoughts, no contribution, just stand there and look hot. right now, i feel like a sexy lamp hearing them talk in code.

"how far have you read through the files on the drive?" san asks.

"most of it. there was a mention of two guys who brahim found to be thorns in his side. jeong yunho, this high profile journalist whos been outing him for all the shit hes done in morroco, and choi jongho, a former dragon of his who went rogue after brahim failed to move bombs across the yemeni border. im hoping to see them on the other side."

san clears his throat and looks at his hands. "you know yunho's been in hiding and jongho hasnt been involved in any activity in months, right?"

wooyoung smirks. "youre right, but morrocan intelligence busted another crate suspected to be saidi's. and jongho left a message. he might be missing, but hes a man who wants to be involved. yunho too. hes not afraid, he just doesnt have a protector yet."

"saidi tried putting a bomb under his car. you wanna protect him and amira?" san points out. wooyoung scoffs.

"what, you think i cant?"

san gives him an undefinable look. "something tells me that the more im trying to speak sense to you the more you're taking this as a challenge."

wooyoung tightens his jaw. "i maneuvered brahim and his men for months. its not a challenge, its just something i have to do."

"and then you fell in love with his daughter, got sloppy at the job, got caught following him just so you could try to make it on time to a date-which you still werent on time for. so tell me, wooyoung, how hard have you thought about this?"

wooyoungs getting irritated with san doubting him and looks at me, as if im able to say anything. as if i wasnt waiting to break up with him on that day. its funny how everythings connected.

"fuck it. you'll need all the help you can get," san groans. "i know someone on that side. you wont be alone."

im irritated by their back and forth, mostly because i can tell san thinks wooyoungs a fucking idiot. and i think so sometimes too-but i believe in him still. i watched him kill shawqi and ashraf even though he was the one beaten up and tied up first. i didnt wanna hear san, who is still an asshole in my book, talk shit just because we needed him.

i go and shower again. when i come out this time, wooyoung's waiting in the room, and he has new clothes for me. they're his clothes.

"i prefer you in mine over san's," he says. i narrow my eyes at him. "the passport guy is here, dont take too long, sweetheart."

he presses a kiss against my cheek and i look down at his clothes, slightly angry and i dont know why.

maybe its the elephant in the room. when did i permit the petnames again? and also, wooyoung's going back to being...the wooyoung that got us into this mess. i hear it in his tone, i see it in how he walks. the wooyoung who spies. the wooyoung that pisses me off.

am i going fucking nuts? is my own pride just wounded because im his useless civilian girlfriend right now? no, i know what it is. the change in scenery, and yet nothing is different.

growing up with shawqi and ashraf by my side and my infuriating father taught me one thing. i'll be treated like princess, worshipped, even adored. but if i wanted to be listened to, uncontrolled, my own agency-i needed to be a problem. i needed to scream. when i started dating wooyoung, its like i broke free.

it felt like i could be myself. i could be the way i wanted. that was till i realized, he was doing the same thing. thats we loved so hard and argued terribly. because i was never different. i just switched domineers. and as someone who hates being controlled. once i realize it, i act up. horribly.

what a terrible time to gain consciousness.

i walk out of the room and sit between wooyoung and san. for some reason they've left a gap for me instead of one of them just moving up. a shady man sits opposite where the table used to be and hands them a bunch of papers.

"this is hongjoong. he's managed to access the 'no fly' list to make sure you guys aren't on. hes also going to remove you if you do happen to get your names on there within 72 hours," san says. "you guys will be able to board a commercial flight undetected."

im shocked that san has connections like this. the more i see it, the more its obvious those against the law and those on the side of it are just the same in opposite directions.

hongjoong slides two envelopes over to us and smiles, revealing a gem on his tooth. "your new identities and two tickets to morroco."

wooyoung laughs in relief, opening his envelope with excitement. his eyes squints as he reads his name. he passes it over to me and raises his brows smugly.

i take it from him and hold back my laugh. "Samir Lee." i read aloud. at least he has an arab name, although the combination is throwing me off. they dont fit together at all, but i guess its just to buy us time.

"open yours," wooyoung urges me excitedly. i reach for mine and open it, smiling slightly when i see how hot i look on my passport photo. im not sure where they dug it up but im glad they did.

"sumaya benali," i read mine and eye hongjoong. "pretty and culturally correct, wow."

hongjoong shrugs proudly. "hey wait why dont we have matching surnames?" wooyoung asks. everyone turns to look at him in confusion.

"i was hoping we could pretend to be married," he says. "what if they put us in different hotel rooms?"

san scoffs. "you got money to be staying in hotels?"

wooyoung purses his lips awkwardly. well that answers san.

"i gave you guys similar traveling history so you can still look like companions," hongjoong says with a shrug. "but marriage is pushing it."

"how much are you charging for this?" wooyoung asks.

"dont you worry about the costs," san interjects. "your bank account is frozen, what are you even asking for?"

"i have more than one bank account," wooyoung defends. "i have one specifically for all my one piece merch. you can buy about a thousand strawhats with it."

san smiles. he fights it hard, but he does. i want to understand their friendship so badly. how deep was it? one minute it feels like san doesnt care if wooyoung lives or dies-the next hes helping him flee the country.

"you can save that money so you can have something to wear in morroco," san says. wooyoung looks like he wants to cry from gratefulness. its actually endearing.

"oh yeah, just cause you guys have new identities doesnt mean you can just walk into the airport looking like the old you," hongjoong throws in. "you need to make something different. just so its not so obvious."

an excuse to change my appearance. fucking finally.

wooyoung stretches his arm behind san to poke me. "what haircut do you think would look hot on me besides this one?"

"i think you should go bald," i smile.

wooyoung considers it. "really? will you still like me then?"

"who says i like you now?"

"mira, i will actually go bald to spite you."

"its sumaya to you, mr lee."

wooyoung gives me a playful look that makes me feel warm inside. its so out of place. and i swear i was just upset. i dont know how to feel. its always like this with him. one minute i want to beat him up, the next im smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. i need emotional regulation so bad.

san and wooyoung thank hongjoong and they have a conversation that bores me, so i check out. sumaya benali. i wonder how long my new identity will last. maybe it will be forever, if wooyoung cant finish what he started. i get up and go to the shelf to get san's book as they go outside to talk more. later on, san comes back inside without wooyoung and finds me leaning against the kitchen counter.

this time i dont jump when he comes close. i watch him carefully. his hands specifically, because i remember he went momentarily still when he attacked me. he reaches into his jacket and pulls out another envelope and hands it to me.

i take it cautiously. "what is this?"

"open it," san points with his eyes.

i tear off the top slowly, frowning slightly. then, i see an entirely different passport. a spanish one. my picture is in it.

"in case you come to your senses...no one will know who you are in the canary islands," san says lowly. "no one will look for you. he doesnt have to know about it."

it feels like my hands are freezing over, and the warmth leaves my body. i look up at san with shaking hands. what the hell was he doing?

"you think i should just leave him?" i stare at him incredulously.

"i think you should survive."

"and what the fuck is that supposed to mean, choi?" wooyoung's voice makes me flinch, his tone making san whirl around. wooyoung stands at the couches, watching us with narrowed, furious eyes.

"planning your exit strategy together?" he asks sharply.

san doesnt answer him. the silence feels like an avalanche. its worse than any confirmation. this is about to be a shitshow.

i quickly hold up the passport and show wooyoung. "im not interested. can we please not do this now?" i almost beg.

"then why the fuck is it in your hand mira?" wooyoung snaps.

"calm down, she deserves a choice," san tries to defuse. he couldnt have picked a worse combination of words.

wooyoung steps forward with a scoff. "and what do you get out of this if she takes it? who are you to give her a choice? you dont get to make that call."

san cocks his head and lifts his brows. its like something got activated in him. the atmosphere worsens in a matter of seconds. fuck i cant deal with two angry men.

"i do when you refuse to look past your own guilt," san says, calm and cutting.

wooyoung lets out a dry, scorned laugh. nothing is funny to him right now. "wow, so you want her to run without me?"

"i just want her to survive."

"you think i cant keep her alive?"

"i think you already failed once."

wooyoung's face drops. his fists curl at his sides. its like san isnt his friend anymore. my chest starts burning. i feel lightheaded. a faint ringing enters my ears.

"dont talk about shit you dont understand, choi," wooyoung spits his name like its venom.

"oh i understand," san mutters, giving wooyoung a disgusted look. "youre not objective-you never were. and youre biting off more than you can chew."

"you fucking-"

i move past the both of them as the ringing in my ears spikes and head into our room. i close the door behind me and immediately sit on my bed and cover my ears. the door flies open and wooyoung storms in, slamming the door behind him. oh god.

"you couldnt even hesitate to take a way out huh?" he says to me, his tone venomous. ive never seen him this angry at me.

"i didnt even ask him for it, god! why are you mad at me?" i raise my voice.

"because you took it, mira!" im sure san can hear every word between us at this point. wooyoung is screaming. "you didnt ask for it but you didnt even hesitate. you fucking thought about it. you though about leaving me."

"i looked at it, jesus!" i cry out. "he just offered it to me and i looked at it. i fucking said no!"

"yeah because you knew i was watching. thats why he got you alone, wasnt it? so he could see what you really wanted."

i blink at him in disbelief. then my anger boils. "at least he gave me a choice in what i wanted. you never do."

he looks at me like i punched him in the face. wooyoung steps forward slowly, his face in disbelief and disgust.

"he doesnt think i can keep you alive when thats all ive ever done. and youre siding with him?"

"keeping me alive after doing everything to endanger me," i say pointedly. wooyoung scoffs and laughs again. im holding back tears at this point.

"so then fucking listen to him?" he dares me. "go listen to san and get away from me. since im so controlling. you want a choice? you got it. you can go to him."

tears run down my face without warning, but my glare stays on him. "i chose you. why the fuck am i still having to prove myself? why cant you just believe me? im not even going to use that thing and here you are screaming at me!"

wooyoung clenches his jaw but doesnt say anything.

"listening to you two debate my life like i dont have a say, having both of you telling me what to do, having no control of this situation whatsoever and you still have the fucking audacity to jump down my throat for looking at it? god forbid i do something without asking you permission first!"

he cant say anything. and i cant look at him without feeling infuriated. "fuck this," i grumble and wipe my face, then get up to march past him. wooyoung grabs my wrist and pulls me back and into him.

"let go of me!" i grit through my teeth and hit his chest, but wooyoung's grip on my wrist doesnt waver. "if you cant trust me then we dont have to be having this conversation!"

wooyoung pulls me closer, his warmth making me freeze and look at him. his eyes are watery and he looks like hes angry and about to cry all at once. "if you left me i wouldnt survive it."

"so then stop pushing me away like you want me gone," i breathe out defeatedly. "you gave me a chance to leave before and im still here, fuck."

"i always feel like you'll change your mind," he admits lowly. "like you'll realize im more trouble than im worth."

i dont know what to say. "you think i dont know i fucked up? i know, mira," he tells me. "you think i dont know you'd be better off with that passport? i know. but im selfish. i'd rather have you with me and unsafe than away from me and safe. and you can hate me for it. but thats how i feel."

"fuck you, wooyoung," i say under my breath and snake my hand around his neck, bringing his lips to mine. he smothers me instantly, moving me up against the wall, his hands finding their way under my shirt. so much for hesitation.

he suddenly grabs my wrist, leaving a trail of soft kisses up until he gets to my pulse, then scraps his teeth across it. i wince and look at him dizzily, feeling the heat get to me. i pull my wrist back and lift his shirt over his head.

he doesnt give me time to breathe. wooyoung picks me up against the wall, carrying me to the bed and letting me straddle him. my shirt comes off next. everything moves so fast. his lips are soft, and he leaves his teeth everywhere. i moan when he bites me, his hands dragging and digging down my back. my skin is so hot it feels like the entire temperature in the room jumped.

"i want you so fucking bad," he breathes against my lips as he suffocates me with kisses. "i dont care if san hears."

i grind against him as he holds my neck open for more bites. theyre like hot pinches on my skin, i melt like putty. wooyoung's hard from just that. i dont have much in me to say no.

i get up quickly and wooyoung's hands fly to drag his pants to my knees. his mouth finds my stomach, dropping liquid metal from his lips as he trails all the way down to my centre. i rush to unbuckle his pants, there's nothing sexy about it, but the desperation makes him look up at me like im a god. it makes me want him more.

i pull him out of his underpants, and hes hot in my hands, glistening and ready. i bend down to taste him, but he quickly pulls me ontop of him, shaking his head.

"i wanna be inside you," his voice is pleading and he makes me water. i happily oblige, swallowing him whole. it feels like the first time again.

my mouth is wide with a silent gasp and i clutch onto his broad shoulders as wooyoung starts moving me. i hate how good he feels. it hurts, like hes prying me open and melting me at the same time. he fits so perfectly. he makes me sick.

"you take it so well, mira," he moans in my ear, pulling at my hair. "no one else deserves you the way i do."

i try not to make any sounds, but wooyoung makes it hard with the sweet nothings he leaves by my ear. the room starts to sound like a mess. i cant find it in me to be embarrassed by how much i want him. he pulls me down by my shoulders, making sure i feel every bit of him. its like hes leaving his mark. and hes left so many already, my body knows his teeth. and so much more.

he slots his mouth onto my chest, dragging it across and he palms my one boob. "tell me you love me," he whispers against my skin.

"i love you," i dont hesitate. it comes out in a desperate moan, like second nature.

"how much?"

"so much."

"not more than i love you."

hes fucking me stupid. i feel my eyes burn with tears and they roll down my cheeks. wooyoung kisses me again, licking them up. i dont know why thats the last straw for me. i release within seconds.

wooyoung feels it. and thats his last straw too. he sloppily keeps going through it, digging into my back like hes holding on for dear life. he sobs into my chest after, our breaths falling rhythmically after realizing what we'd done.

i get off him after, and put clothes on. wooyoung stares at me with dazed eyes and i feel flustered.

"put your dick away," i tell him. he quickly pulls up his pants and starts scanning the room for his shirt.

i feel my senses slowly creeping in. fucking hell why was that so hot. and where did it even come from. at least i feel less stressed. i feel like i got so much off my chest. but im so thirsty.

"how do you feel?" wooyoung asks me. "we didnt even get to cuddle."

"thats because we had a quickie," i say and wipe my face. i still feel his mouth on me. "do you want water?"

woo nods. "please. and then come lay next to me."

still giving me orders. unfortunately for me i want that too. i nod and leave the room. i jump in my skin when i see san sitting on the couch smoking. he looks at me with a bland face, a book in his hand.

"real classy," he says. "im guessing you wont be needing that passport anymore?"

is he fucking judging me? "i never needed it," i tell him firmly. "thank you for your trouble though. i appreciate it."

"im sure you do."

"we'll be out of your hair soon," i say, the embarrassment starting to sink in. god i fucked wooyoung under his roof.

san gives me an insincere smile. "i hope so."

***

next chapter

tagslist: @hon3ysun @sl33ptalk @blue5ummer

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

CHAPTER 5: Do You Still Want Me?

warnings: violence, affection.

wc: 5233

a/n: im so pissed at myself i wrote this entire chapter in the wrong tense and i cant be arsed to fix it 😭 apologies for that and the typos, i hope you enjoy

prev chapter

***

mira

sleep felt like a blink. i barely even had time to get a dream in. maybe that was for the better. wooyoung woke me up at dawn and told me it was time to keep hiking. rest assured i didnt say a damn thing the whole way because i was hungry, my breath was bad, i hadnt showered in two days and i was freezing my ass off. thankfully he didnt say anything either, i didnt want to be reminded of the fact that i tried to kiss him and he rejected me.

when we could finally see some light through the trees, the frozen wilderness turned into slippery mud roads that led into a town that looked abandoned three times over. the buildings were old and french colonial, the people we passed were mostly old and strange. we didnt look that much out of place with how awful we looked, but they could still tell we didnt belong.

we reached a concrete apartment building with shuttered windows, and my legs were shaking. i leaned against the wall with one arm, feeling like they were going to give in. no matter how much i cared about the environment, i would never be a nature girl.

"cmon," wooyoung said, his first words to me today that weren't 'wake up'. "only a few flights of stairs to go."

i looked up at the building, scowling. "no lifts? when were these apartments built? the soviet union?"

wooyoung actually thought about it. "probably, yeah. want me to carry you?" he offered.

"no, its fine. we're already here."

i wasnt sure why i rejected that offer. maybe my wounded pride. but i wished i'd accepted it, because whoever we were here for lived on the top fucking floor.

wooyoung knocked three times. no one answered. he waited. then knocked three more.

halfway into the sixth knock, the door cracked open and a pair of eyes looked past the string of the latch. when they saw wooyoung, and then me, the look was nothing short of horrified.

"for fucks sake," the man hissed, pulling the door open wider. "get in here before someone sees you."

he pulled the both of us inside by our arms, slamming and locking the door quickly.

***

the man's apartment was cramped, but somewhat cozy. unfortunately, it smelled like stale bread and gun oil. a bunch of cellphones and papers were sprawled out on the coffee table infront of the couch, and there was a dark stain on the floor that i didnt even want to think about. the man stood, broad in his frame, a peeling leather jacket on his shoulders. i didnt remember if wooyoung said he was a soldier or an agent, he had a buzzcut, so it could have been both.

he looked between the two of us like we were dogs that took a shit on his carpet. it took way too long for them to say something.

"do you even know what kind of shit you're in?" the man said, wiping his mouth while looking at wooyoung. "you shouldnt have come here."

"san, i need help," wooyoung said, pleading.

"you need a fucking miracle!" san exclaimed.

"just let me stay here for a bit till i can figure things out."

"you know, if it were just you, i wouldve thought about it but you brought her?"

san jerked his chin at me. "she's fucking everywhere. every ex buyer, every agency needing leverage, every pissed off client in the underworld is looking for her right now."

i didnt understand it. why did everyone think i knew something? just because i was his only child? these people hadnt done their research on my father.

"she's safer with me."

"you have a bounty on your head, dumbass. what the hell are you talking about?" san snapped, looking at us up and down. "i dont think you realize how bad this has gotten."

"then tell me, choi!" wooyoung said exasperatedly.

san scoffed, reaching for something in his pocket. it was another phone, and when he lifted the screen, wooyoung's face and identity details were on the side, along with a tag at the end.

'return to headquarters or any high-ranking personnel, dead or alive, 500 000 euros.'

wooyoung scowled. "less than a million?" he sounded offended.

"you're lucky i dont get out of bed for less than a million," san scoffed. "but this isnt just out to us. its out for everyone. and there's multiple. half the underworld thinks you're rogue. the other half thinks you're dead."

wooyoung pinched the bridge of his nose. actually at a loss for words. i couldnt bring myself to say anything either. i hovered silently, thinking of how my emails were probably flooded of thoughts and prayers. and all missed assignments.

"and her," san looked at me again, shaking his head. "on a watchlist. what did you think was gonna happen when you dragged her away from her family?"

i couldnt stand the pity in his voice, so i looked at my ruined boots.

"if i left her, they would have gotten to her, trust me. she had bodyguards and i was one guy. they cant protect her the way i can." wooyoung said firmly. i wondered if he believed his words. or if it was just too late to go back on them.

san cocked his head at him. "so this is protection?"

"she has no chance alone."

"her father is brahim saidi-"

"she's not going anywhere!" wooyoung said harshly this time, and san's face dropped, so he clearly got the message.

san ran a hand over his head, exhaling frustratedly. he must be used to dealing with wooyoung. we just showed up on his doorstep with bullshit and he was trying to reason with him. but wasnt he an agent too? didnt he have loyalty to the agency?

"amira, right?" san said to me. i nodded solemnly. "your father fled the country. he's back in morroco. all his enemies are consolidating. he's suddenly refusing to sell to some, making his prices higher for others, or trading with rivals. and the agency," he paused and shot wooyoung a bitter look. "they're burying all evidence against him."

"what?" wooyoung and i both said, looking at each other.

"why the fuck would they do that?"

"politics. money. you know the drill?"

wooyoung's jaw flexed. "is that why they tried to kill me?"

"well, you blew your op. and yeah, they were always gonna get rid of you. i found out when you blew your cover. i tried warning you too, but i knew you tossed your phone."

"why are you telling us this?" i questioned, giving him an odd look. "arent you part of it all too?"

"im a sleeper agent," san said. "i only work when im activated. but i dont get paid enough for this bullshit."

"those fucking bastards," wooyoung said with a scornful laugh. "after everything i did for them? they were just gonna get rid of me like that?"

san shrugged. "you know how it is."

right now, i was truly trying to find the good in being a spy. the benefits. shitty pay, awful jobs and getting double crossed by your bosses?

"look, i wanna help you man," san said with a defeated sigh. "but the best i can do is fake papers. and then you have to leave. i cant keep you both here."

"get me a morrocan passport," wooyoung said determinedly, his jaw clenched.

"what?" san and i both said.

"im gonna finish this and go after him."

san's brows lifted. "you wanna go after him while hes in morroco? that's where he runs everything!"

"i dont give a fuck. im finishing what i started. i didnt do all of this for nothing."

hearing that made my stomach shrink. reality started to settle. my father was a different man in morroco. maybe not different, now that i knew who he really was, but i was certain he was worse. the only reason he left was because he already had it all. he wanted more. there was nothing over there he couldnt give himself. he wanted to conquer somewhere else.

wooyoung wouldnt survive over there on his own. he'd be swallowed up and not even his bones would be spat out.

san's eyes were bewildered. "and what about her?"

silence.

just like everything with me, wooyoung's thought process only went so far.

"i'll go with him," i told san. immediately he started pacing and shook his head.

"no no no, you don't understand-"

"i do," i quickly cut him off. "ive lived there for most of my life. i know how my father runs things. i know the language. if wooyoung goes alone, he'll just be walking into a lions den," my voice trembled just thinking about it. "my father is a different person over there. you got so far here because he did not know you were after him, but over there, he expects it. i can help. i h-have to. i dont want to wait for someone to just drag me away again."

san was hopeless. wooyoung looked at me. and it was like the beginning of all of this. like i was a variable he hadnt expected, and thus hadnt accounted for. but one he was running with anyway.

"i cant promise you'll be safe, mira."

"i know."

san fell down on his couch and tossed his head back. "you're both out of your goddamn minds."

wooyoung didnt argue. he reached over and brushed his knuckles with mine. it was brief, barely there, but it sent something burning through my chest.

"is it fine if i shower here, please?" i asked after a few moments of dreadful silence.

"yes, go ahead, please," san said with a groan. "you guys look like shit."

***

i heard wooyoung and san argue the entire time i was in the shower. the walls were not that thin, they were just screaming at each other. san was trying to talk wooyoung out of going to morroco, but wooyoung was firm in it. he sounded like he hated my father with everything in him. at some point he defended me, saying i was nothing like him and that he would do everything it took to keep me alive.

then i heard san reverting to convince wooyoung to leave me behind and go die on his own, saying he'd get me different papers so i could start a different life without him, that way, he could fulfill his promise to keeping me alive. but it had to be away from him.

after that, i didnt hear wooyoung arguing anymore.

i nearly burst into tears under the hot water, turning it up on the highest possible setting. i combed through my curls with my fingers, losing my mind with the knots as i tried to keep my mind away from what was going on on the outside. when i stepped out, i fogged the entire place up, and i wiped the mirror with my hand, seeing my reflection for the first time in days.

i forgot what i looked like, but i knew the dark circles under my eyes were exactly why i bought such expensive skincare. it irritated me that they were back. hunger brewed in my bone marrow, and i felt like i was going to pass out. i dried myself off with the towel, then wrapped it around me and went out into the spare room san had.

i tossed my towel when i saw fresh clothes on the bed. grey joggers and a black long-sleeved shirt. the shirt was unironed. i sighed and put on the pants first. thank god i was on birth control. i couldnt imagine being on my period and wearing a random man's pants and nothing else. i guess you cant be on the run and picky.

after i slipped on the pants, the door opened. wooyoung froze when he saw me, his eyes flicking quickly from my bare skin to my eyes. he closed the door behind him so quickly, i only noticed after that he had a bowl in his hands.

"mira," he breathed. it sounded like an apology. and a prayer.

i reached for my hair, trying to pin it up. "what?"

he stared at me again, then looked down at the bowl. he cleared his throat, and for a second, i thought he would come closer. but he just swallowed hard and looked wrecked.

"i-i brought you some ramyeon. and i wanted to check if you were okay and if you wanted coffee or if you needed anything."

i walked towards him, leaving the shirt behind. wooyoung froze, his grip on the bowl showing in the paling of his knuckles. i took the bowl from him and it was like he didnt want to look up at me. he had seen me naked many times. suddenly it was different.

"thank you," i said, feeling my skin warm. "coffee would be nice, thanks."

wooyoung's hand flexed on his side like he wanted to touch me, but didnt trust himself. "are you okay?" he asked, still looking down.

"why wouldnt i be?"

"i dont know."

"have you eaten?"

"not yet."

i lifted his chin softly, making him look up at me. his face was distraught. i took the fork and dug into the ramyeon, handing him some. he opened his mouth blankly, chewing slowly and swallowing even swallower. i could hear everything go down his throat.

"better?" i asked him. he nodded tightly, pulling at his collar.

"yeah. better."

"go eat something."

"you should put a shirt on," he said, clearing his throat. "its cold. san doesnt have a fireplace."

i stayed silent. i let it stretch out. i let him sit with it.

"okay," i said, and then turned away. my makeshift updo decided to fall apart and spin down my back. while i was turned away, wooyoung opened the door, but i never heard it close.

"are you sure you're okay?" he asked again.

"yeah, you don't have to keep checking."

i reached for the shirt, slipping it on. i turned to look at wooyoung and he nodded, finally closing the door, while looking like he wanted to do everything but that.

***

wooyoung decided to shower after me, and after i was done with my ramyeon, i left the room and ended up meeting san in the kitchen.

he was seated on his couch, reading a file but looking at me over the edge of it. i felt his eyes on me the entire time, i was so nervous i started doing all the dishes in his sink. till his voice told me to stop.

"what are you doing?" his voice was stern. it was like he was talking to another agent. i stopped what i was doing and showed him my empty bowl.

"just washing the dishes," i said, forcing a smile. "thank you for the ramyeon by the way."

silence. good god.

"im sorry for all of this ending up on your plate," i kept yapping through my anxiety. he was so intimidating. "trust me, i didnt think i'd be here either."

san got up from his seat, grabbing one of his burners from the table. "can i ask you something?" i spoke again.

"what?" he boredly asked.

"is it possible for me to call my mother? just to let her know that im alive?" i pleaded. i was thinking of her the entire time i ate, and i knew her soul had to be crushed worrying about me, especially being left alone while my father ran away to morroco.

san's eyes turn sharp, and its like i asked if i could kill a prime minister. he tossed the phone back onto the table and walked over to me, making me move away from the kitchen and on the whole other side of the room.

"i can't let you do that," he said. "someone's watching over her. even if you call from a burner, you're considered on the run from the agency now and one of the only links to your father. you'll be tracked down."

i wiped my face exasperatedly. i knew there was a high chance of him saying no but to think i still looked guilty for something i found out about days ago.

"why do they think i know something?" i asked hopelessly.

san gave me a deadpan look. "tell me how this looks. your father, a renowned arms dealer and international criminal suddenly disappears after you disappear with important information. agents are heavily injured after trying to bring you in for questioning. you study law, international criminal law, while your dad expands his criminal empire. how do you think that looks?"

my jaw slackened, and it felt like i was sick to my stomach.

"i dont know anything," i grit through my teeth. "i dont even work with my father, i never have. he has men he trusts around him. me studying law has nothing to do with him. im not doing it for him."

"so you say. thats not how it looks though."

his dismissive tone infuriated me. its like he didnt believe me.

"how much do you know about me?" i questioned, trying to hold my anger back.

"as much as wooyoung has told the agency. but i dont think we should consider what he's said anymore. do you?"

what the fuck was that supposed to mean.

san looked at me up and down. "seeing you in person, i know why wooyoung's in the mess he's in. its funny how your mother, who's divorced from your father, is the only one whose hands appear clean so far. and the guy over her shoulder isn't as reckless as wooyoung, i can tell you that much."

i stepped forward without thinking. "are you implying wooyoung didn't investigate me the way he should have? that he missed some things?"

san shrugged. "im not saying anything. my question is, why do you want to go to morroco so badly?"

he had to be ragebaiting me. unfortunately, i didnt have the easiest temper.

"my life is fucking over," i told him, my chest heaving. "i was a university student. my father has not been a father to me since my parents divorced, he was nothing but an occasional visitor and a full-time wallet. you are telling me now i can't see my mother because authorities suspect me. my life here is corrupted. everything my father has touched has died. everything i got, i got from him. my internship, my apartment. i am not the kind of person that can go back to all of that after finding out what kind of person he is."

san cocked his head at me. "that's noble of you. perfect, almost."

i looked at him, feeling tears pressing the back of my throat but not wanting to give in. i was dealing with a spy here, they clearly didnt function like normal people anymore. to san, this was the interrogation. and i was the perfect daughter who fell from grace.

"its not perfect. its human," i corrected. "wooyoung is all i have left. he is not perfect but i wouldnt know any of this if not for him."

"you also wouldnt be in this mess if he just left you behind when he busted your father."

i swallowed hard. he was right, but it was too late now. i wouldnt take his bait.

"so you think you can handle morroco?" san walked toward me again, but this time i didnt move. he stopped a tile away from me, making my breath hitch in my throat.

"you think you can handle being with wooyoung? if you care about your life, and if you think he cares about you as much as he says he does, he would leave you behind."

and then what would i have left? i wanted to ask but san didnt care. he didnt care and therefore it wasnt his business.

"thats not your problem," i reminded him. "my life. i can handle myself."

"do you know how to shoot a gun?"

"i know how a gun works."

"do you know how to fight?"

i threw up my hands and glared at him. "can you stop asking me questions, safi baraka!" (i've had it).

san lifted his brow. then, as quick as a flash of light, he suddenly grabbed me, spinning me around and covering my mouth with his palm, whilst shoving his arm under my neck in a choke. i gasped, my voice disappearing as i realized what was happening.

i started kicking wildly, shaking in his grip that felt like being stuck between a boulder. san spun me wildly around the room, trying to get me to stop thrashing. he ended up close to his fridge, and i kicked against it with both feet and knocked him into a nearby wall. his grip slackened for a millisecond, and that was enough for me to try and slip away. but as i tried to leave his arms, san yanked me back by my hair and i threw my hands across his face, dragging my nails over his skin.

he groaned and threw a kick out at me, causing me to fly over the couch and shatter his coffee table in half. i let out a cry, feeling my back take all knocks from his burner phones and the glass. i looked up and saw him advancing. san hopped over the couch and i quickly scrambled to crawl away. he grabbed my ankle and dragged me across the floor.

"wooyoung!–mmphhh!" his hand covered my mouth again. he flipped me over and both his hands slipped around my throat, and he pressed.

an empty gasp left my mouth as i clawed at his skin, digging my nails into his flesh. san didnt budge. his eyes showed nothing. he didnt look angry, he didnt look terrifying. i couldnt tell why he was doing this. tears rolled down my cheeks as stars and spots started to flicker in my vision. god what did i do to deserve this.

the door burst open and wooyoung came running out. immediately, san stopped, causing me to cough and wheeze uncontrollably. the tears running down my face looked like i was full on sobbing. i sat up and looked at him with disgust.

"what the fuck did you do, man!" wooyoung screamed, running and shoving at san's chest. he did nothing then, lifting his hands up in surrender.

"just proving a point," he said, looking down at me. "you have strong will, some endurance. but that's not enough to fight."

so that was just some fucking test? this piece of shit. i lightly held my throat, and it all felt raw. he strangled me to prove a point. i wished that i could scream at him.

wooyoung punched san in the face, but he didnt react. he wiped his lip, then looked at wooyoung like it was an inconvenience.

"i hope you did not use all my hot water," he said.

"that's all you have to say?" wooyoung snapped. san shrugged.

"i had a point to prove. and it was proven. either way, you need me, jung. i dont need you."

san had my nail marks across his face, and they were slightly coloured with blood. he winced when he felt it, then shrugged his shoulders and cracked his neck. when he was done, he pointed to the broken table and shattered glass.

"one of you, clean this up for me please. i have to plan dinner."

san took his wallet and left the apartment. i looked up at wooyoung incredulously and he quickly picked me up, inspecting my neck.

"im so fucking sorry about san," wooyoung said softly. "he's not all there, he was in the military before he was an agent. i shouldve known he would have done something to test you."

"why do you trust this guy?" i asked, my voice coming out in a cracked whisper. "he's fucking crazy."

"he's the only one i can trust," wooyoung said frustratedly. "the only one around here at least. but i know now, whatever he tested you for, you passed."

yay me. he wiped a tear that rolled down my cheek. "i really hate your friends," i said.

***

san tried to drive home the point that i was not safe with wooyoung by showing how easy it was for him to just attack me. i couldnt even lie, it was almost home.

i lied with my back to the door on his bed, and my eyes would not stop tearing and staining the pillow. i wasnt even crying anymore, i was just so fucking tired. i didnt know what he expected me to do. and i didnt want wooyoung to be angry at the only ally and escape he had, so i just stayed out of the way. i was curled up in bed while they ate dinner, telling myself i'd just go back for leftovers tonight when san was asleep.

it was insane to me. how he went from worrying what would happen to me to choking me the fuck out. but this was wooyoung's world. and it kept screaming reminders that i did not belong in it.

i could still feel his hands on my neck. before this no man dared to touch me. shawqi and ashraf once beat up an ex of mine for simply raising his voice at me. now this was my life.

he ruined you, a voice in my head said. i pinched my eyes closed. i didnt know who it was referring to anymore.

the door opened, and i peered over my shoulder and saw wooyoung come in with a plate of food. i laid my head back down and didnt move.

"san made vegetable curry," wooyoung said. "i dont know if you'll like the way he makes it."

"you sure it isnt poisoned?" i asked drily. "maybe he has another lesson to teach me."

"i had some myself, so if hes poisoning you, he's poisoning me too."

i rolled my eyes and sat up on the bed as he sat down infront of me. i shook my head at the plate of food. it looked good, smelled even better, but i didnt have an appetite.

"im not hungry," i said. wooyoung frowned. "honestly. i just want to relax. can we relax?"

wooyoung set the food down on the desk and sunk back down on the bed. "yeah, of course."

he looked at me, and i didnt think it was possible for his guilt to be even more visible. it was written all over his face. it pissed me off.

"san thinks you're shit at your job, by the way," i told him to fill the silence. "he doesnt think youre able to see through me for some reason. do you think im hiding something?"

wooyoung rolled his eyes. "oh brother."

his response actually made me laugh. it hurt just to get it out. he was reluctant to smile at me, but he did, a little.

"so, you think you outsmarted me?" wooyoung said.

i shrugged. "must have. everyone thinks im hiding something except you, and you're the only one in love with me."

it came out of my mouth so fast, i forgot the weight of my words. as soon as it left my tongue, i felt my face warm, and i couldnt tell if it was out of embarrassment or shame that it might not even be true anymore.

wooyoung did not argue against it. he felt the shift in the air, and cleared his throat.

"then i guess im the fool in love," he shrugged, looking down at his hands.

admission. actually hearing what he hesitated to say since i found out who he really was. i couldnt handle it, my chest was caving in.

"are you thinking of leaving me behind?" i asked. i hated how scared i was of the answer.

wooyoung shook his head. "no. i got called every synonym of selfish in the book for it, but im sorry, mira. then i'll just be a selfish guy."

selfishness had never felt so good to me. i was fucking.terrified and needed to hear that, especially knowing how much of a.martyr woo could be sometimes.

"good," i breathed, looking at him intently. "i dont want to be anywhere that isnt with you right now."

"what if you hate me when things get hard? or try to leave?"

"then i'll hate you. but im not going anywhere."

maybe we were the dumbest people on the planet, but where my.will.to.live lied right now, i truly didnt care. i watched wooyoung's eyes drift to my lips and he looked away again, choosing to stare ahead at the door instead. i scooted closer to him, gently turning his face toward me.

i heard his breath cut. "you told me to not kiss you out of fear. but can i do it now because i want to, please?" i asked.

his eyes immediately softened, his hands slithering over my lap. "mira..."

"do you still want me?" my voice was barely above a whisper. wooyoung's eyes turned sharp quickly.

"dont ask me that."

"why not?"

"because you know the answer."

i reached for his chest, flattening my palm over his heart, feeling it beat like a war drum. i moved my hand to the bruises on his face from all the beatings he took, tracing them lightly with the edges of my knuckles. he closed his eyes like he would fall asleep.

when i leaned in this time, he didnt pull away. he caught my face with both hands, and kissed me like he was greedy. i scrambled over the bed and found myself in his lap, slowing the kiss, not because i wanted to, but because i was scared to have too much again. i lied to him. i was afraid. i was afraid of how much i still wanted him, and how badly i needed him.

his hands trailed up my back, under san's shirt, feeling like fire on ice. i pushed myself up against him, feeling my body actually feeling alive. wooyoung's hand found my hair, pressing our foreheads together as our lips clasped each other.

out of all the things i lost–our routine was one of the worst. the routine of us knowing each others bodies, and minds. i refused to lose that because of a lost reality. not when he was all that was left of it. it would have to be ripped from my cold dead hands. wooyoung would have to betray me again, and make sure i died this time.

i bit and pulled on his lip, and he dragged them across my neck, the softness and warmth making me flinch. he immediately stopped, pausing to push my hair back and look at me.

"do you feel better?" he asked, searching my face.

"yeah, better." i said wistfully, closing my eyes as i leaned my cheek against his palm.

"lets go to bed, mira."

"okay."

i didnt fight or go further. i slipped under the covers and wooyoung covered my plate of curry with another plate. then, he slid in behind me, his arm over me making me fade to black.

***

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next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

CHAPTER 4: CABIN IN THE WOODS

wc: 4690

warnings: the fluff i struggled to write (angst)

prev chapter

***

mira

wooyoung says we have to ditch the car. after getting away from that place, in the middle of nowhere wooyoung turns to me with a straight face and says we have to abandon the one vehicle we have in the freezing snow.

"we're out of gas," he says, looking at me defeatedly.

"then go fill it up," i say, not getting the big deal. "do you want us to run away in the snow?"

"they wont find us that way," he points out. "mira, we're both loose ends now. we need to go off the grid immediately."

"we're going to get hypothermia," i tell him with a scowl. "and my miu miu boots are not built to transverse snow, wooyoung."

wooyoung puts his head against the steering wheel, sighing heavily. "i forgot how much of a princess you are."

i gasp, unable to believe the audacity. i poke him hard in the sides, making him whine out and look at me accusingly. "hey! why did you do that?" he snaps at me.

"princess, me?" i repeat incredulously. "i just fucking fought a secret agent trying to arrest me. you're calling ME a princess?"

"i refrained from killing both of those agents for you," wooyoung says, as if to shut me up. "you're the princess and im the servant boy. or knight or whatever."

i tilt my head at him mockingly. "a knight wouldnt have gotten the princess into this situation in the first place. a knight wouldnt have dated the princess to get the job done." i say with a mockingly sweet tone.

wooyoung shuts up, looking pathetic once again. "you're hungry again."

how does he know? i dont say anything but scowl.

"and dont say im wrong," wooyoung says with a scowl of his own and tries to restart the car. "you're mean when you're hungry."

"who knew that leftovers wouldnt be enough," i say with a shrug and lean back in my seat.

a few moments of silence pass. we drove far enough, basically through the whole night. we're pulled off on the side of the road, hidden by a bunch of white-sprinkled shrubs. its kind of beautiful.

i cant help but feel a strange anger burrowing in me. yeah, im mad at wooyoung. but its not entirely his fault im in this fucking mess.

maybe he made me more of a target. maybe hes compromised because he embedded himself in my life. but my biological, actual father is a fucking war criminal.

i was nearly dragged by strange men for his doings. im considered a loose end because i know too much of all he's done. all because he couldnt be a normal person?

even if life goes back to normal, which it never can, what do i do? do i visit him in jail? when its fathers day, i'll have to stay silent about mine. when i see news about wartorn countries, about innocent people dying, i just have to shut up because my father's most likely the cause?

hes actually the worst thing that ever happened to me. even that fucking UN internship, i got through his connections, which he would never tell me, all he did was tell me he showed everyone his amazing lawyer daughter's magnificent grades and they jumped to offer me internships. aka, fucking nepotism. i actually want him to burn in hell.

"i dont want to sound critical, but we really dont have all the time in the world," wooyoung sighs with a straight face. he starts to pull off his coat, then places it on my lap. i look between the two of them silently before taking a deep breath and opening up the car door.

my first breath turns into a big cloud, like a had an actual cigarette. the ice in the air makes me shiver, the tip of my nose feeling like cold metal. geographically, im in the opposite climate i should be. i miss the morrocan heat more than my own family right now.

wooyoung appears infront of me, holding out his arms with his back faced toward me.

"what are you doing?" i question, completely lost.

"im piggybacking you," he says and stands up awkwardly when he realizes im not hopping on. he gives me an annoyed look. "did you not say your boots aren't made for this?"

i know its inappropriate, but deep down i want to laugh. i try not to show it on my face. wooyoung looks so silly. his skin is going ashy and red. my brief internal adoration disappears when my brain decides to flash the not-so-distant memory of him pointing a gun in my face.

and now hes offering me a piggyback ride. they're really the same people.

"okay," i end up thinking too hard and thats all i can muster. i hop on wooyoung's back, crossing my arms around his neck. he picks me up like im nothing and i feel the muscles bulge under his black turtleneck.

we walk into the snowy forest, where everything looks the same and it feels like wooyoung's feet sink deeper and deeper into the ground. we get to a point where i turn around and can no longer see the clearing leading back to the car. like a videogame, our checkpoint was just lost.

"where are we going, wooyoung?" i ask, realizing he actually hasnt told me a damn thing.

"a town." woo answers with a grunt. "i know you dont know it, because its small and its for people who need to stay invisible."

"can you like give me a normal answer," i say. "you're not a spy anymore and im me. just tell me like no ones holding a gun to your head."

woo's silent for a moment. i dont know if hes thinking up a lie or not. i hope not. what is left to lie about.

"its a small town called tucsan. think of a safe house, but its a safe town. i have someone who stays there who wont try to blow my head off. i was going to drive there but we're out of gas, and i know we just have to cut through these woods to get there," he answers, then pauses in the snow.

"that good enough for you?"

everything is all fine and dandy, except for the part where we're cutting through the woods. "h-how long do you expect us to be walking for?" i ask, horrified.

"im not telling you. you're gonna freak out."

"wooyoung."

"im carrying you so why are you even worried, you're not doing anything!"

"i dont want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere at night."

"i have a gun. more than one, in fact."

"what if we see a bear. or a mountain lion. or–"

"mira, im tuning you out now."

i hear a strange sound in the distance and jump in my skin on wooyoung's back. he sighs again and i feel like im losing my mind. hes too calm and normal about everything that makes no sense. and i know damn well it doesnt make sense to him either. i put my head against his back and try to close my eyes, even if i know i wont be able to sleep.

***

wooyoung stops and i can feel his legs shaking from exhaustion. by this time, we're about 2 hours into the deep snow. it looks like we're in the wilderness. snowy hills and so many trees. at least the ground isnt steep and unbearable. i hop off his back, stumbling a bit in the snow as i look at him.

"wanna take a break?" i ask him.

"i dont wanna be out here for 2 days," woo says, hands on his knees as he takes deep breaths. "if the agency finds the car, they'll know we didnt get very far."

"how long is this trip?"

"10-15 hours worth of hiking."

i try not to implode at the idea of hiking that long. i have never gone hiking before. to me, its one of those things like cave diving, i love nature but i'd like to not die by it if i had a choice. right now, it doesnt sound like i have a choice.

"i wont make us hike in the dark, dont worry about it," wooyoung stands up straight, giving me a reassuring quarter of a smile.

"but if we want to not be out here for two days, we cant waste the daylight we have," i tell him, looking up at the trees. "lets keep walking."

woo bends for me to hop on his back again, but i wave him off. "its alright, the snow isnt that deep."

"but when it gets that deep, tell me, alright?" his voice is soft again, making me feel things against my will.

when we walk, i stare at him too long. everything lingers. when he waits for me to catch up, when he holds my hand through the snow so i dont trail behind. it makes me rethink everything in my brain.

wooyoung wasnt a bad boyfriend. never have i ever felt unloved. i only felt forgotten. and now know its because of his double life that he couldnt fully protect my feelings. but since i was a job, i wonder how long it took him to fall in love with me.

i also wonder now that nothing but death, global organizations, terrorists and the obvious betrayal stand in our way, if i'd ever feel as free as i did back then.

i shake my head to myself. i think being hungry is making me delirious. im thinking of wooyoung when we dont even have blankets to sleep with tonight.

after another few hours of endless feet dragging, i spot something brown past the bushes and start walking fast towards it. it stands out like a sore thumb in the winter wonderland. i turn to wooyoung in excitement.

"its a cabin!"

wooyoung squints suspiciously, pulling me away from the bush by his coat sleeve.

"can we go check it out?" i ask him.

"its a cabin in the woods." woo tells me flatly.

"yes and we're freezing," i tell him. "maybe we can ask for help. or a lift or something."

woo groans and pulls out his gun, making my eyes widen. "have you learnt nothing from all the horror movies i made you watch?"

"ive learnt to not date a spy," i grumble under my breath as i follow him, and he leads the way to the cabin.

it looks like it was pretty, maybe in a different season. with a small campsite out front drenched in blankets of snow, i could only imagine how cozy it must have been in summer. theres old christmas decor on the porch, and woo slides against the side of the door, holding his gun up to the side. i shake my head, trying to withhold how badly i want to laugh at him.

he gives me a pointed look. "get out of sight!" he hisses at me.

"what the hell are you doing, wooyoung," i ask, not taking him seriously.

"clearly assessing the situation. what if whoevers in here pulls a gun on you?!" he snaps in a hushed voice.

"this place is abandoned," i say with confidence. "its october and they have christmas decorations up. it was probably an old holiday house or something."

woo scoffs at me. "so you know the owner?"

why does he think hes the only analysist present? he cant even think straight, all he knows is when to pull a gun.

i shrug and smile sarcastically. "yeah, lets go meet him." i walk up to the porch and pull at the door myself, terrified internally but wanting to prove a point to him. it swings open and of course on the other end, its just dust and ghosts.

woo steps in after me, going in first suddenly. he never puts his gun away. im starting to think he doesnt know how to be a real person. how did he ever hide this behaviour from me, i dont know.

we look around the house and it very much is abandoned. dusty, smelling of old wood and leaking in inconvenient places. theres a bedroom upstairs with just a bedframe, no bed, and a round, frozen shut window that overlooks the grounds.

downstairs is a fireplace, a wooden table with three chairs and a deerhead hanging above the fireplace. im hungry again and it looks like wooyoung found the kitchen. i find him staring at the pantry and he holds something unrecognisable out to me.

"you hungry?" he asks and i squint at it.

"what is that?"

"a dead mouse."

i scream and hit it out of his hand and he has the nerve to burst into chuckles. the mangled mouse falls to the floor and he kicks it under a cupboard. i glare at him.

he points to the otherwise empty pantry. "they have running water and expired snacks. theres also one tin of canned vegetable soup."

i groan and hold my head. "does this place have hot water at least?"

"we can boil some over the fireplace."

"i wanna wash my hair wooyoung. i have knots."

"you're just gonna have to hold till we get to tucsan, baby."

i give him a stern look and he realizes he slipped up. his smile drops as quickly as it came. "sorry. no petnames."

i clear my throat and awkwardly rub my arms. "so...are we staying here?"

he leans against the kitchen sink. "do you want to?"

"im cold. and im tired of walking."

"then we're staying. i'll go get some wood outside and try to make a fire."

i reach in my pocket and hand him the lighter. "here, hopefully this helps."

wooyoung takes it and reaches in his pockets, opening his pack of cigarettes and there's only one left. "you wanna share?"

i quit, but me quitting is just me taking breaks at this point. after the past few days, i'd even do crack.

i nod quietly and he lights it up, taking one long drag before passing it to me. we smoke it in silence until nothing is left of it.

***

after wooyoung brings in the wood, we realize its wet and it probably wont light up, so he leaves it on the floor to dry and goes upstairs. i sit at the table and assume that he isnt coming back down because hes asleep.

i dont even know which day it is anymore. i think of my phone—how my best friends are probably panicking and blowing it up even though they know im missing. they used to find wooyoung funny, some saw him exactly the way my father did. smooth—too smooth, like something curated to be that way.

i dont even know who he is at this point. i should be running for the hills. im in a cabin alone with a man whos been lying to me our whole relationship, and he has a gun. and yet here i am, watching the wood dry while hes asleep upstairs. i should be scared of him. but im not.

i hate that i still trust him. ive been given no choice to, my life is in his hands, but somehow my heart doesnt fear the danger at all. its my head replaying every memory we have, trying to find out when he fell in love with me and when he was just watching me.

an annoying voice in my head wonders how many times hes done this. fallen for a woman he was meant to watch. i'd have to have been the first right? since hes in so much trouble. looking back, i cant say he didnt try to be my friend.

yeah he flirted with me in the beginning, but it was the kind that i expect from men. it was just there, no action, i kept running into him so eventually i got curious. and he was fucking handsome, so obviously that wasnt difficult.

he found me at the cafe i broke up with him in after i got off from work, sipping from a cup and pretending to not notice me. now i know he definetely did. i looked up from my mocha, seeing the most handsome man in all black, shiney hair, veiny hands carressing a coffee cup whilst 'reading' a newspaper. i watched him the whole time, mistaking it for curiousity. i think i loved him from the beginning.

he noticed–of course he did. then he did that stupid half smile, got up and made his way to me. when he slid in opposite me, like he belonged, so confidently forward, i just knew he'd be a problem.

"you stalking me, stranger?" he asks, half smile on full display. such nice teeth. "if you're worried i'll skip town without paying for your car, you dont have to resort to this. i know a girl like you probably has a whole team of lawyers waiting for me."

"you wouldnt even make it out of town," i say with a playful scoff. "and as if, i come to this place all the time. its just weird to see someone who isnt a regular here. especially someone who just rear-ended me."

"damn it, so my line would have worked," he says. "i was going to ask if you come here often, but i thought you'd rather die than hear that."

i let out a laugh against my will. its not even that funny. hes just hot and my type. "you were right, i would rather die than hear that."

"see? i know you so well already."

"thats not a good thing," i roll my eyes, playfully, wondering if that works on any girl. but i play along with his game. "but you might be right."

wooyoung smirks and tosses a look back at the cup he left behind. "you not gonna offer me coffee?" he looks at me again, expectant.

i wonder if i look like that kind of girl. i'd die before paying for a man. "you have one already," i snort.

he leans forward on the table, looking at me daringly. "that one's cold though. and you've implied that you're a regular here so..."

"a regular, not a waitress. you have a charming way of begging." i mutter.

wooyoung's eyes lit up, almost with excitement. like he relishes in the back  and forth. i found out that he does.

"and you have a charming way of insulting me."

part of that...it was still him. it had to have been. i dont like or trust words, so even if he tells me over and over, our relationship was real and not just a job to him, i wont believe him. but im looking back, and i believe myself. he does–or did love me. it was real. ive seen him under pressure now, hes not a good actor.

i know i shouldnt be thinking about this. we have life and death on our hands. but what else should i think about if not wooyoung? if not my present? because i dont know about my future. i only know what i currently have, and what i had before.

i know he owes it to me, but ive been keeping count of everything hes done. piggybacking me through the snow despite not sleeping the whole night while driving, never complaining even though i know hes exhausted, always putting what i want first. hes acting the way that made me love him in the first place. and its fucking me up. because the jig is up. he doesnt have to anymore. maybe ite out of guilt, maybe its because he wants to. i dont know if i want to know the reason, but hes doing it. and its fucking me up.

by the time my rumination pauses for a second, i notice the wood is dry. wooyoung is still asleep. the wind outside grows louder with every passing minute that the sun goes down. its almost.completely dark outside and its freezing. i go upstairs to get the lighter.

when i get into the room, hes passed out on the bedframe, his arms tucked into his turtleneck. i tower over him and he looks serene, his hair folding over his eyes. my hand moves against my will and i softly stroke his cheek, moving his hair out of his eyes. wooyoung stirs but doesnt wake. i think he knows its me, because i know how hypervigilant he is.

i move away from him and reach for the lighter in his pocket, scurrying out of the room before he realizes i was even there.

i go downstairs and carry the wood into the fireplace. some of it is still damp, and as a result, only a small fire comes out of it. i sit down infront of it, feeling myself go cold. i was so smart to wear a jersey, stockings and a skirt and just boots when it was snowing. wooyoung's coat isnt even helping. but in my defense, i didnt plan on leaving my apartment after my break up. i was going to work and then cry myself to sleep during my breaks.

now i cant even pretend like he died, because im stuck with my ex in the wilderness.

i hold my own arms tightly, trying to soak up my nonexistent body heat. curse my generational anemia.

"thats a really small fire," wooyoung says, startling me as he walks up next to me. i couldnt even hear him come down the stairs over my clattering teeth.

"the w-wood's not drying well enough i guess. it was getting really cold so i didnt feel like waiting," i say.

he sits down next to me, sighing heavily. he notices my shiver. "still cold?"

"nope, im burning up with a fever right now," i say sarcastically. wooyoung rolls his eyes at me.

"ive always had better body heat than you," he says, then looks hesitant. "you can sit between my legs if you want. i wont touch you, i promise."

he knows damn well im not going to say no to that, my skin feels like a raw chicken. i nod and carefully slide between his legs and he wraps his coat around me tighter, pressing himself against me. within seconds i already feel warmer. the most manipulative men tend to feel like heaters. i guess its cause they can make you feel comfortable even if youre in hell with them.

"better?" he asks lowly, his breath warming my ear.

"better."

silence envelopes us. it feels like so much is being left unsaid and i cant stand it. but i cant say anything i want to say. i cant say i still have feelings for him. i didnt break up with him because i dont love him–he knows that. and even this is evidence enough.

cant even push him away properly, can you, mira?

"you know..." wooyoung starts, probably just trying to fill the silence. "theres this guy thats been reporting on every single fallout your dad's companies have had with the law. every little thing. improper working protocols, unsafe work environments. he really hates him. i think im going to give the intel to him and just make sure your dad doesnt wipe him off the face of the earth."

"you think that'll work?" i ask genuinely.

i feel him shrug. "i dont know, but im not giving it to my agency. i dont trust them anymore. i dont trust what they'll do with it. they could have fired me or just helped me disappear after my identity was found out but they tried to kill me, which makes me think they want all of this buried."

god it must be horrible doing this job. with all the risks.

"how did you get into this, wooyoung? this job?" i ask him.

"just wanted to make a difference where it mattered i guess," he says with a snort. "i shouldve just become a doctor or something, huh?"

"or an activist," i add on. "or anything else really. but a spy?"

"pay's not even that good. but i liked the holidays."

another silence. i cant help myself.

"am i the only girl you've..."

i want to shoot myself immediately. i dont even finish the sentence yet and wooyoung knows what im trying to ask.

"yes," he answers immediately. "i dealt with terrorists and corrupt government and fucking assholes all the time. you think i had time to do what happened to us more than once? im not insane."

i snort. "must be why you got caught this time–you're a rookie."

he sighs. "like i said, it wasnt planned."

do you regret it? do you wish it never happened?

"thanks for not dying in that warehouse," i mutter, causing myself internal pain. "it wouldve caused me a great inconvenience if you did."

"of course." his voice is soft and hes trying to be smug, but he sounds too sincere. "i cant inconvenience you any more than i already have."

i bite my lip, angry at myself. im glad hes holding me, whether its just for practicalitys sake or something else. but im going insane. my feelings are starting to feel like theyre dancing on flailing electrical wires. theyre suffocating, and im choking on them.

i turn to look back at him, our faces inches from each other. he looks at me with eyes that i can only describe as having surrendered.

"you'll stay alive right?" i keep saying stupid things. i feel like my mouth is just running ahead of me.

wooyoung carresses my face, moving my knotted curly hair behind my ears. "i can try, mira. but i'll keep you alive. no matter what it takes. i'll sort you out, i promise."

a promise. something hes never broken. i cant help but wonder if that'll age badly. i dont want him to die. but i dont know what tomorrow holds. neither does he. which is why i cant control myself.

i lean forward, brushing my lips against his. i press forward to kiss him fully, slithering my hand behind his neck. but his hand goes up to mine, and he leaves the air infront of me empty, his lips merely a ghost on mine.

im embarrassed and i turn away from him. "no," he says, turning me back to look at him and i feel my eyes water up.

"im not rejecting you," he quickly says.

"but you are. you dont want to kiss me."

"why wouldnt i want to kiss you, mira?"

"then why did you pull away?" i snap unintentionally, my voice cracking.

"because youre kissing me out of fear," he tells me. "and i dont want that. i want you to kiss me because you want to, not because you think we might die tomorrow."

of course i want to kiss him. i want to kiss him so fucking bad but hes right. if all these threats werent against us, i wouldnt be spiralling as bad as i am right now.

"dont kiss me because you think we're running out of time," he says, still holding my face. "because if i have my way—we'll have more of it. and i know you havent forgiven me yet. i dont want you to wake up tomorrow and regret everything. the next time you kiss me, you'll want to. and it will mean something."

i stare at him, both angry and filled with adoration that he knows me so well. he always has. days ago he kissed me right after i tried to break up with him, now that we might die, he wont. now that im doing the same thing, he wont.

i can tell he feels bad. he places a small peck on my cheek and i close my eyes in agony. im just so fucking scared. "let me do the right thing for once. lets get to bed. i know you're tired."

im defeated. wooyoung stands up and lifts me and i look up at him like a lost puppy. still at his mercy. even now, hes still three steps ahead.

*****

next chapter

taglist: @hon3ysun @sl33ptalk @blue5ummer

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

CHAPTER 3: SAFEHOUSE

wc: 5760

prev chapter

warnings: violence, gun violence, triggering image descriptions, war.

***

mira

"we're heading to a safehouse now," were the last words wooyoung said to me before the rest of the car ride was silent. i have so many questions, but i dont have it in me to ask all of them. its like they're floating in my head, but i want to see what he does, and if from this point on, he'll just be honest on his own.

thats the least he owes me at this point–right?

i told myself wooyoung must be used to this. just by how calm he was talking about everyone possibly wanting him dead. but i watch the way his hand grips the steering wheel. i see his other hand curl around his thigh like he's holding something in. all i can do is watch the frost bite along the windshield and wonder if i was ever supposed to make it out of that bathroom.

the people on youtube always say that even in negative experiences, there's something to learn. i used to hang on those words, believing it because they're all i had when i was suffering through the idea of impending heartbreak. but now, i dont think i believe it.

i think that sometimes shit happens–sometmes there's no moral lesson. sometimes it just happens.

i remember another quote. my head is full of those useless things. "the sins of the father fall on that of his daughter." and i cant think of anything more accurate in this moment.

i know my father. before this, he was probably ordering people around, reading the newspaper in the comfort of his home. my mother probably left him some messages about finances he was ignoring, and he was in his perfect little bubble where everything was going his way, and he didnt have to really care about anyone else.

he had that problem often. everyone was just extensions of him, he didnt see my mother and i as our own people. we were just his legacy. even as an ex wife, my mother couldnt escape him. they got divorced when i was in my first year of university, and he had made her agree to a vow of chasteness. he would take care of her till the day she died, as long as she never dared to love another man or attempted to remarry.

my mother was a survivor at heart. i knew she wouldnt ever give up money for the possibility of love.

now im wondering if i have that in me. would i give up my safety, my stability, my sanity for love. for wooyoung. i proved that i wouldnt, back when i thought he was just flakey. but now im in even deeper shit–shit i have no choice in, and when given the chance to walk away, i somehow didnt.

i wont credit all that into being in love with him. i just have a feeling that i wont get out of this unscathed. whether it be from my war criminal father, or the consequences of walking away from my spy ex boyfriend. so right now, my only objective is to stay alive. i'd rather stay with the person who–even though hes a liar who maybe ruined my life,  isnt an active war criminal.

i giggle to myself, finding it funny at the choices i have to make at the ripe age of 22. whats that one charli xcx song? its so confusing sometimes to be a girl?

wooyoung gives me a strange look, probably thinking what am i finding so funny. he wouldnt get it.

"i think you're sleep deprived," he mutters. "you should nap, i'll wake you when we get there."

"no thanks. i'd rather be awake and stare potential death in the face." i dont want to go to sleep and wake up in the afterlife. my spiritual life is in the gutter, so i'd be screwed.

"we're not dying today, sweetheart," he says with confidence that its almost delusional.

i scowl at him. "knock it off."

he frowns at me. "huh?"

"that pet name."

"i cant call you sweetheart anymore?" hes genuinely confused it almost kills me.

"yeah, you screwed me over and last time i checked, i still broke up with you."

"i feel like we shouldnt worry about relationship titles at a time like this but fair enough, i'll stop calling you that." he says with a defeated sigh.

there's an edge of sassiness in his voice that flabbergasts me. i swear, wooyoung has always had audacity, but maybe now that his covers blown he feels like he has nothing more to lose.

"can i earn it back?" he asks me a few moments later.

"what?" i narrow my eyes at him.

"can i earn back my petname privileges with you?"

i look him in the face and switch on his car radio, picking a song from my usb thats always stuck in here. i never answer him and turn up the song playing loud enough so i cant hear anything he says next. he has the nerve to frown sadly and slump back into his seat.

if i was home, i'd start reposting "i hate my bf" tiktoks. unfortunately im not, so i'll just live it while i can.

the sun sets and we pull up onto the driveway of this old looking furniture warehouse. i only know its a furniture warehouse because it literally has a massive chair on its sign. wooyoung presses a button on his car keys and the garage door lifts for him, and we park inside.

the place is desolate. im out to open the door myself but wooyoung basically flies out of the drivers to come and open it for me.

"are you hungry?" he asks, closing the door behind me. "i still have leftovers from our food at the diner."

"lets save it for later," i say. who knows when we'll get to eat again. i look at him for guidance. "what now?"

"uhh, let me show you around."

i dont really want a tour, but i follow wooyoung anyway. he leads me inside through a wooden door and a dark staircase, and i see a whole base of operations on the other side once wooyoung flicks the lightswitch on.

we walk past a bunch of bunk beds that look military-esque. they're all straightened, like they havent been used for a long time.

"we'll be sleeping here tonight," he says. "pick any one you want. there's not a lot of competition."

we continue walking, and on the other side is where it starts looking like a movie. we walk out on the other side of the door and we're on a mezzanine, where there's a whole set up of computers and chairs. on the wall behind it, is a projector.

"this is typically where i would work," he motions to it. "downstairs is the armory."

the guns. im guessing he's gonna need a lot of those since his is definetely out.

"where did you hide your gun while we were dating?" i wonder.

"i always had it on me." he says. i look at him confusion.

"how did i not pick that up?"

he has a weird look on his face after that alerts me he wants to say something stupid.

"say it." i tell him.

"what?" he shakes his head. "i said nothing."

"you wanna say something dumb so just say it."

"you're gonna be mad at me."

"i promise you it can not get any worse."

wooyoung sighs. "i was just thinking you wouldnt ever have found it because its not like we really had clothes on around each other. and when we did its not like you went through them."

i poke my cheek with my tongue. "you know what you're right. maybe i wouldve caught you if i was more of a crazy bitch." too bad i actually had a life.

"you shouldnt have even had to look out for that," he says, suddenly serious and not looking at me, his eyes pointed on the computers. "i didnt ever want you to feel like you had to be crazy. i just wanted you to be away from this. which i know is ironic...but yeah."

his words throw me off balance, but i dont crumble. "i dont know how you expected me to be away from this when there was no way i couldnt have gotten hurt. even if i never caught you, even if none of this happened. if you exposed my father and never got your cover blown, wouldnt you have just moved on to the next mission? wouldnt you have left me behind no matter what?" i ask him.

"i didnt think that far ahead," wooyoung admits with an undercut of anger. "i know what you're going to say, i never do. and you're right. i didnt plan this. i planned everything around it. but i didnt plan you."

i swallow the unforeseen lump in my throat, it doesnt go down. god im tired of being so emotional. of course he didnt plan me. i was going to be collateral.

"right," i try to hide the tremble in my voice. "so i was just some girl you had to keep on a leash until it was inevitably time to let go.

you couldve just been a shadow, you couldve just kept stalking me or whatever but then you went and did all of that...you intentionally took up space. why?"

im afraid of the answer. he already said he wanted to. but i cant stand that. i wont accept it.

"i was hoping you'd be as bad as him," he wont even make eye contact with me. "i thought everything you did was just a front. it was just so convenient, i convinced myself it was fake so i didnt have to care. but then i got to know you and..." he stops and swallows, breathing heavily. "i found out you were actually a good person and i just didnt want to stay away from you. its selfish but it felt right at the time."

he finally looks at me, running his hand through his hair. "and i know you probably dont feel the same, and you shouldnt have to. but i swear to god mira i didnt mean for any of this to happen to you. if i could go back...i'd do it for you–not me. i'd stay the hell away from you and let you be happy."

i nod, eyes burning and i turn away from him and look at the bottom of the mezzanine. "you're right, you should have just stayed away," the pause is filled with silence, dragging like a knife between us. "you just made me love someone who i now know was never planning to stay."

"i know i betrayed you mira, and took away your actual choice in trusting me. what i did was unforgivable. i was meant to keep you at arms length and i did everything but that. i thought i could just control everything. i should never have let it get this far."

i wipe my tears quickly, just grateful that all my mascara is practically washed away. "appreciate the honesty, i guess."

silence again. i want another hug but i cant just run into his arms. i cant do that for a long time.

i hear him walk and turn to see what he does next. he goes to a computer and turns it on, shoving a usb into the sides of it. it projects onto the screen and i see him type in a password and enter the homescreen of the system.

he goes into a folder named "Saidi", my family name. i stiffen, wondering what i'll see on the screen, but when he goes inside, its all code.

"uhm. the guy working at your moms house found something on your dad and gave it to me to decrypt the day i got caught following him. im hoping your father doesnt know im an agent yet and just assumes im some freak that kidnapped his daughter cause it'll throw him off our scent a bit. but i dont take your dad for a stupid guy." he says, rolling up his sleeves.

"he's not," i say. "he has really strong intuition."

"i knew he never liked me," wooyoung scoffs.

"what's on the folder?" i ask.

"that's what we're figuring out now. but i know its evidence against him. enough to secure a warrant."

im scared to see what it is, but at the same time my eyes are glued to the screen. maybe i just need to see things for what they are, and this feeling will go away.

im not tech savvy. i cant even do excel. but seeing wooyoung work makes me realize i really dont know anything. i shouldnt compare myself—he is a spy. but holy shit. the way his fingers move across the keyboard makes me clutch my imaginary pearls. hes working so hard the veins in his arms are throbbing.

he gets in i think. through another layer of whatever the hell is on the screen. theres multiple folders now, all named a gibberish collection of numbers and letters. he goes inside a folder and starts reading a document.

"is that a contract?" i frown, recognizing the format.

"yeah," wooyoung sighs. "its all the weapons deals with the militant groups."

i move closer, wanting to get a closer look. i end up next to him, and he shifts slightly away from me.

he clears his throat awkwardly. "there's a bunch of license permits for arms that dont

match their purpose. there's also bank transfers, cryptocurrency transactions, shipping invoices..."

i look at him. "can i see this?"

"of course," he nods, almost eagerly, moving out of the way so i can be infront of the keyboard.

i scroll through the long pdf thats over a 1000 pages. it reminds me of all the evidence i have to study for tests. this is just one long case study. the kind of practical experience i didnt know i needed yet didnt want.

i backspace out of the one folder and look at the many others. i see one that catches my eye, it looks like its full of photos.

i drag the cursor to it and wooyoung's hand suddenly finds mine, holding the mouse in place. i feel my skin spike at the contact, the way his hand lingers feeling like electricity. i look up at him but cant find my words.

"wait," he says, suddenly sounding worried. "that one has pictures in it. i dont know if you'll want to see whats in that. it could be...upsetting. do you want to?"

"what kind of pictures?" i ask cautiously. "crime scenes?"

wooyoung bites his lip nervously. "they're timestamped photos of connected shipments and their...consequences. and a bunch of other stuff. i dont think you'll feel good seeing it mira."

the consequences.

"i'd rather see it," i say quietly and push the mouse to him. wooyoung sighs and opens the folder up, and i straighten to look at them fully.

the first one catches my eye because its the one i can make out the clearest. it looks like people wrapped in white sheets, tied up with blood stains at the top of their heads. executional style.

"hostages," he fills in for me. "enemy soldiers and officers."

the next one is just a bunch of small, dusty hands peeking out under rubble.

"civilian casualties."

the next one is a bunch of men in uniform piled on the floor in a row, all of them dead and bleeding out on the floor. there are soldiers surrounding them, holding guns and smiling above them like they secured a massive victory.

"the militants."

then another picture in a similar fashion, but the militants held a decapitated head. i look away from that one quickly and find one that shatters my heart completely.

a young boy. lying on the floor, missing half a leg, with guns sprawled next to him. he doesnt look older than 16. hes covered in dust, the wounds in him filled with gray and dried blood. his face isnt even recognizable anymore because he was laying out that long. i grab the mouse from wooyoung and click out of it completely.

"a child soldier," he says finally, looking at me with an undefinable look on his face.

"oh my god," i whisper to myself.

that boy looked just like any other kid refugee i would meet on an ordinary day. but he didnt get a chance. he was swallowed by consequences he had no part in. he was a baby, dragged into some man's selfish war. and he died for nothing.

i sit down on the chair infront of wooyoung's computer. he keeps looking at me, waiting for me to say something, but i cant. no words of mine are worth anything in regard to that.

"im not gonna look at this anymore," he says into the silence. "i know everything that needs to be here is here. im just...gonna make a call. do you want me to leave you here alone or can i just stay here?"

i feel like i cant even hear him properly. "who are you calling?" i ask, my throat suddenly dry.

"people from my agency. i want them to know i have everything they need."

god, is this going to end? can it finally be over? im fine with never seeing my father ever again.

"you can take it here," i tell him.

wooyoung nods and opens up something on the laptop and it starts dialing. then, someone picks up.

"its woo. i got what we needed. awaiting exfil." he says, his voice completely changing. the softness he had with me vanishing into thin air.

"acknowledged. sit tight. send what you have while you wait."

"yes sir."

a moment passes. there's dread in the air. everything's calm.

"is amira saidi with you?"

wooyoung doesnt answer immediately. i still cant believe they know my name. he just stands beside me, staring at the laptop like he’s trying to read between the lines. i notice his jaw tighten—barely—but enough.

“yes,” he finally says. his voice is flat now. stripped of anything familiar.

there’s a pause. too long.

the voice on the other end speaks again, too smoothly: “copy. maintain visual until further instruction.”

wooyoung’s shoulders tense. i see it—just a twitch, barely perceptible—but it says everything. he knows. whatever code they just spoke wasn’t one he expected.

he clicks the laptop shut, slowly. carefully. then he looks at me like he’s trying to memorize me. like something’s changed.

"what's wrong?" i ask, trying not to panic.

"i think they know."

my stomach drops. and i feel my chest burn.

"but they didnt say anything."

"they wouldnt," he says sharply. its the first time ive heard him like this. cold and sharp like a dagger.

my mind starts to race again. "how can we be sure then?" i ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"there's someone i can call, but if i do that, if they dont know my cover's blown, that will definetely give it away."

so our only choice left is to fucking gamble our lives?

i stand up, feeling like i need to rip all my nails off. ive never been this fucking nervous in my life. "so what do we do, wooyoung? are they gonna come here and raze us with bullets?" i raise my voice.

"i need you to trust me," he tells me. "i'll be right back."

"no, you are NOT leaving me by myself," i order him and grab onto his sleeve.

"im going to get guns, mira. are you sure you want to be around that after all the stuff you saw?" he holds me by my shoulders, his eyes flickering with regret and tenderness.

"i dont care," i bite out, breathing hard. "just dont leave me."

wooyoung resigns and we go downstairs to the armory. its filled with military grade weapons. there's a bunch of ammo lying around too. wooyoung picks up another gun that looks identical to his, and i distract my thoughts of impending doom by staring at the rifles.

"you know how to use those?" woo asks me. i shake my head in disgust.

"my father made me go hunting with him when i was eleven. we shot a rabbit and i cried for two days straight. he was so mad at me and said i was too soft. then my mom banned him from taking me on any of his trips again and forced him to let us go on weekly shopping trips instead." i practically word vomit. im trying to think of anything and everything else other than those people showing up.

would they arrive in a helicopter or a tank? would they just bomb this place with us in it?

"im guessing those lessons wont pay off then," woo mutters.

"are they going to kill us?" my voice shaking with franticness.

woo looks at me with a straight face. "they wont kill you."

i stare at him blankly. "so just you?"

"you dont have to sound so excited about it," wooyoung says with a half smile. what the fuck.

"there's no way you're this calm about this," i say exasperatedly, pushing my hair back. its so frizzy now if i dont get a blowout in the next four days im screwed. "wooyoung what are we going to do–"

"listen, i know you think im crazy and this is insane to ask, but trust me. please. just for tonight."

i resign. i dont know what else to do. i sigh and try to stop fidgeting, then look at him expectantly. "can i have those leftovers now?"

***

somehow, i passed out on the bunkbed. i dont know when i got comfortable enough to sleep. a flash of the harsh light woke me up, and immediately with my regained consciousness, i go and find wooyoung.

he isnt close to me. which i know is crazy to expect after ive repeatedly pushed him away, but i told him i dont want him to leave me. he doesnt get to.

when i walk out onto the mezzanine, i see woo on the ground floor talking to two men in black. i freeze, my hands gripping the railing as they all look up at me in unison.

oh my god, they're here.

woo gives me a look, a flash of something sharp in his eyes but it disappears quickly.

"miss saidi," a man with the most menacing eyes ive ever seen says with a curt nod. "my name is agent song," he then gestures to his partner. "this is agent park. we would like to ask you a few questions about your father, mr saidi, if that would be alright."

i like how hes asking, trying to make it seem like i have a choice. i know damn well i dont. but i guess wooyoung's not in trouble.

but i briefly look at him, and the tension in his arms and back tell a different story. i dont make a move till i know whats going on.

"why does she have to go with you?" woo asks with badly hidden irritation. "i told you she doesnt know anything, didn't i?"

"since when is that for you to decide, jung?"  agent park says, tossing wooyoung a look.

woo shrugs hard. "its my mission, isnt it? didnt you just come to get the files and me?"

agent park and agent song turn to each other slowly, sharing ominous eye contact. the hair on my skin start to raise.

"your mission, agent jung?" agent song drawls. "your mission's done. you're extracted. you can hand over the files and miss saidi."

"but that wasnt the deal," wooyoung argues.  "i told you–"

"miss saidi's been reported missing," agent song interrupts. "she should return to her family as soon as possible. and we'll drive her home, after questioning."

i blink hard, feeling sweat gathering on me quick despite this cold. "why am i getting pulled for questioning? may i know the merits of this case?" i try to put on my professional voice, but it cracks inbetween and doesnt do me any justice.

"you'll know once we arrive at the station. woo, you're done here. go with agent park."

i dont know what to do. something tells me i should go with them, to be safe, and out of harms way. but the other part of me is telling me that if wooyoung is panicking, i should too–if he doesnt want me going, then there has to be a reason, right?

are they gonna drug me? interrogate me for days? hold me prisoner till i tell them about my father? what if they dont believe i know nothing? will they kill me–

agent park steps forward to wooyoung, holding his hand out. "the files, agent jung."

wooyoung stares at the man's hand, his jaw clenching at the sight of it. he makes no move.

***

wooyoung

ive been compromised. never in my career have i ever been extracted by agent park and agent song. it was always agent choi. every single time, suddenly, the one guy i can ask if my cover is in tact, doesnt show up? i think thats telling enough.

even the code. they never ask for the files until im fully extracted. until im fully safe. until i know im in the clear. now they want it before im even off the job?

i know that once they get their hands on the files i cracked, im going to end up in the middle of the desert. some "accident" in the local newspaper. and now they want mira too.

not if i can fucking help it.

"let me double check if everythings here," i say. agent park's lip twitches, his impatience gnawing on him. i never liked him. "i'll just plug it in the laptop, cmon."

they look at each other once again. agent song sighs and nods. "lead the way."

mira looks at me with deep confusion, her eyes wide in worry. i know she expects nothing good from me, but she needs to lend me all the faith she has. even if its a single strand.

we head up to the mezzanine and the plan runs through my head. its not even a plan–im not a man for plans. if anything, im a master of improv. not even i know what i'll do next. it used to work all the time, now im here.

girlfriendless, jobless, possibly soon to be lifeless.

we walk past mira and i nod for her to take a walk. i hope she gets it. but as soon as we pass her, agent song plants himself next to her, sizing her up. or is he checking her out? either way, his eyes are on her too fucking long for my liking.

i plug the usb into the side of the laptop, waiting for the screen to pop up on the projector. agent park's eyes drift up to the screen, his jaw clenched for some reason. its like he wants to say something but is holding back.

"mira doesnt know anything, agent park," i say again. i watch his eyes. theyre almost smug.

"yeah, you'd know from studying her fully, right?"

there it is. that pointedness in his tone. just like i watched her. they watched me. if they knew how i was bombing everything, then they've been planning to take me out. they've been waiting for it.

"i would know," i answer him matter of factly. i pull out the usb suddenly and agent park straightens, glaring at me.

"nothing loaded yet, why did you do that?"

i dont answer him, instead lifting my laptop and slamming it into his head.

park stumbles back, and i hear mira scream and see her try to run. i drive my foot into agent park's chest, making him tumble over the mezzanine with a harsh grunt. its not enough to kill him, and i unfortunately cant. mira's seen me off more than one person already. i dont want her to fear me.

agent park hits the ground with a painful thud and he screams. agent song is holding mira by her clothes as she tries to break free, and he moves to withdraw his gun at the same time. i kick a table into his knees with brutal speed, making him double over it. i bolt toward mira and shove her through the door towards the bedrooms. "go mira, go!" i yell at her, taking out my gun, unable to say the location aloud but i hope she knows i mean the car.

"you're a dead man, jung!" agent song furiously spits. his gun is aimed at me and i quickly take cover behind a pillar as a shot goes off.

"if you really wanted to kill me, you should've sent agent choi," i scoff, breathing hard. i take my turn to shoot, seeing him taking cover behind the table i kicked at him. all my shots miss and i want to scream at myself as im forced to withdraw, his next few shots landing dangerously close to my shoulder and all etching into the pillar.

i need a distraction. i cant kill them and i cant die here. i quickly look at the lights above us, a shot sparking concrete into my face as it lands in the pillow again. fuck!

i roll to the side and fire upright, blowing out the light above Song, showering the area with sparks and smoke. darkness falls on the mezzanine.

***

mira

i wait in the garage, my palms sweating horrendously and my skin feeling like i'd explode in a microwave. i keep rubbing my hands on my jersey, but it doesnt help. i keep hearing gunfire and i just tell myself if wooyoung was dead there wouldnt still be gunshots.

on my side its quiet. too quiet. i cant even make a run for it because wooyoung has the keys. im really either leaving with him, or the other two agents who definetely dont care if i live or die.

what do we do now? i try not to think so much with every shot going off in the background but i cant help but be smart. where the fuck exactly would we go after this? and how much more of this do we have to go through. im shitting myself enough as it is.

the door suddenly budges but doesnt open because of the latch on my end. no one on the other side says anything. i start to shiver and look around for something. the only thing in range is a fucking fire extinguisher. i pull it off the wall and hold it with shaking hands.

"amira?" someone says. its not wooyoung's voice, he'd never call me that.

"its agent park. you can call me seonghwa. please open the door."

"i dont know anything," i say back, sniffling. "i swear i dont."

"i believe you," seonghwa says. "let us take you home."

"if you believe me then why are you trying to kill woo?"

"he is obsolete. and he has done enough harm by getting close to you. he cannot be trusted to take part in a mission ever again."

i lean against the wall, my chest heaving. "a bit harsh for someone who still did the job, isnt it? or does he know something you dont want him to know?"

"everyone knows who he is. he will no longer be our problem."

so they are going to kill him. i squeezed my eyes shut trying to not go insane.

"open this door, amira." its a demand now, no more mr nice guy. i gasp as he rams himself into the door. with three loud bangs it bursts open and seonghwa storms in. i panic and immediately blast him with the fire extinguisher, coating him in white foam. seonghwa screams and slips, falling like a cartoon who slipped on a banana peel.

i keep blasting him until his hair flies up into sun beams and hes screaming in horror. it looks like he wants to reach for his gun and my panic overrides me. i swing the extinguisher over his head and he flattens to the floor with a loud bonk.

***

wooyoung

smoke curls through the air, thick and stifling, and agent song's coughing cuts through the haze.

i move quiet. ive always been quiet in the dark. we both trained for this, but im way better. hell, he cant even hear me through his wet coughing.

he thinks he's slick, repositioning behind the table i kicked at him. but I’m already there.

i tackle him from behind and he snarls, elbowing at me wildly. i trap his wrist and slam it into the steel railing, hard enough to make the gun clatter to the floor. he goes for my throat and I duck low, driving my knee into his ribs. The breath leaves him in a hiss, and he tries to grab my hair, stupidly.

gun still in hand, i whip it across his face. his head jerks, blood flying into the smoke. he stumbles, dazed. not out, but slow.

"you're lucky," i drawl. “if i really wanted you dead, you’d already be leaking into the carpet.”

he staggers back, reaching for anything to balance himself. i shove him hard and he collapses against the support beam. his gun's out of reach, and i don’t give him the time to get clever. i grab a broken zip tie from my pocket—cheap, thin, but it'll hold—and fasten it tight around his wrist to the nearest pipe. he snarls, yanking at it like a cornered animal.

“you're not walking away from this!” he shouts after me.

“then i'll crawl,” i mock, already halfway to the door out.

mira’s waiting. there’s no more time.

***

next chapter

tagslist: @hon3ysun @sl33ptalk @blue5ummer

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

CHAPTER 2: ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

wc: 4600

warnings: gun violence

prev chapter

***

mira

we didnt have sex last night. which i know is the bare minimum, but my friends would arguably call that an accomplishment for me.

i didnt tell them he was here, i planned to just let them know when he was fully gone. but i didnt know if he ever fully would be. the entire night, i tried to picture my life without wooyoung, and to my utter disappointment i realized i'd only have work and myself left.

i told myself that wasnt a bad thing. i watched motivational videos on youtube. i made myself vision boards on my future, as if he never would have played a part in it.

and yet i still feel so...empty. because wooyoung took up so much space.

my mother loves him. i dont know how im going to let her know he wont be coming around for atay nana anymore. sometimes they'd drink without me, just the two of them in the kitchen while i watched from the sidelines, quietly admiring, never once thinking it would end. but i guess thats the life of a girl in her early twenties, hoping the good times will never end, even though they're so far and few.

at least my father never liked him, so on that front i'd never have to hear about how great he is.

"smooth talker, that one," my father would say, almost choking on the disdain. "you better make him pay for every cent of that car, qalbi."

i had to fight my father to not pay for the car himself, because he thought wooyoung was being charming so he could avoid the debt. but even when he paid it off, its like nothing could change his mind. i wont be giving him all the details of the break up, i dont feel like hearing an "i told you so" because he'd say that no matter what.

when i wake up from my tear-soaked sleep the next morning, wooyoung's at the end of my bed, his arms wrapped around my legs. he's still fast asleep, serene. probably the most vulnerable i'll ever truly see him. i try to wiggle out of his grasp, but he immediately wakes, looking up at me with a sleepy face and his hair messy.

"whats the time?" he immediately asks. i hold back a scoff. he probably cant wait to leave to go to "work".

"time to get up," i say and pull my legs out. he sits up and looks at me with a frown.

"you were crying."

i dont say anything. i dont need to.

"go check if the door budged yet," i tell him.

wooyoung gets up with a heavy sigh and shrugs on his coat, walking out of my room. i immediately get to making my bed and preparing to shower when he doesnt come back. i guess he must have left.

i cry again in the shower. angry at myself and im not sure why. i did the right thing, right? i wasnt unfair? he didnt know he was fucking up but thats the annoying part, if he didnt pick it up its not my job to tell him to respect my time. it should be a given.

when i come out of the shower, i grab my research paper off my desk to go through my second draft a few hundred times. if i drown myself in my work, i'll forget he was ever here. its easy to not think about him when im writing about the extradition of international fugitives.

i jump when i walk into the kitchen, seeing wooyoung still there. my tea set and toast are on the counter. "the door's still out of it." he says. "sit down."

i slide along the kitchen island, miserably grabbing a slice of toast. i dont say anything. i dont know what to say.

"how long have you been trying to break up with me?" he asks lowly.

for fucks sake.

"around the third time you flaked on me. when you were supposed to pick me up from work and then just called the next day." i answer blandly.

"im sorry about your grandmother's funeral, baby, i really am," he says, reaching out for my hand. he squeezes it but i dont squeeze back. "im just in such a tough spot right now. if i could tell you i-"

"why cant you tell me?" i ask with a hard shrug. "what is SO difficult about cyber security that you cant tell me?"

"its the same way you cant talk about what you do," he tells me. i give him a bland look.

"im legally not allowed to talk about what i do. you KNOW im working with refugees."

"yes, i know but-"

"why cant you just be honest that you lost interest?" i scoff. "ive heard that 'im going through so much' bullshit before. thats code for i dont like you anymore."

he looks at me like hes trying to maintain his calm. again, i dont know what hes so angry about. he caused this.

"i DIDNT lose interest," he says tightly. "i wouldnt still be here if i did."

"and yet you cant tell me," i roll my eyes. "baba was right about you."

"would you just-"

our arguing is cut short by a few loud knocks on the door. we look at each other in confusion.

neither of us make a move to open it. i get up and go look at the window, unable to see anything because of the fog. suddenly my door flings open, the latch flying to the floor as two huge bodies burst inside.

they're my dad's men. shawqi and ashraf. they look terrifying.

"what are you guys doing here?" i snap. "what the fuck you cant just break my door down, you better pay for that!"

shawqi takes off his glasses and points to me. "you, where's your boyfriend?" he asks accusingly.

"huh?"

wooyoung comes out from the kitchen, confused. he's immediately tackled to the ground by shawqi, his hands tied behind his back. "stop!" i scream, immediately running for him but ashraf shoves me back.

"what the fuck are you doing? let him go!" i shout.

"this bastard is coming with us," ashraf says, giving me cold eyes. "dont intervene, mira."

"for fucking what!"

they tie cableties around wooyoung's wrists and plop him onto a chair before mercilessly beating him. blood pours from his lips, his head hanging back as i scream for them to stop, but its lost. i dont know whats happening.

"fuck this," i go and reach for my phone. but its ripped away from my by ashraf. "give it back, im calling the fucking police!"

"for that piece of shit?" ashraf scoffs at me. "he is trouble, mira. we are going to sort him out. he was following your baba's car and doing bad things. we are taking him off your hands, and cleaning out this whole apartment. you are coming with us."

what?

"what the fuck do you mean he was following baba?" i scream.

"ask him," shawqi says and slaps wooyoung's bruised face insultingly. "have anything to say now, ya kalb?"

wooyoung spits. he actually spits at him. im so fucking lost, i dont know what to do. shawqi gives him an angered punch again.

"stop hurting him!" i scream. "fucking stop, okay. tell me whats really going on."

they dont answer me. not even wooyoung does. i cant even call my mother, ashraf wont give me my phone. she and my father are not on speaking terms, but i know she'd be able to have a say in this.

not even a moment passes before wooyoung's hands shoot loose, and he flings my chair over shawqi's head. shards shatter everywhere and wooyoung pulls out something thats too fast for me to recognize, but i know what it is once i hear the sound.

BOOM!

shawqi drops to the floor, clutching his ribs. wooyoung aims the gun at ashraf, who tries to pull out his own but wooyoung gets the first shot in. i jump away from everything, ready to run, but i feel wooyoung grab me by my jersey, dragging me to his car. he covers my mouth so i cant scream, and one second im shoved into the passenger seat, and the other second, wooyoung is in the drivers, pointing a gun at my face.

"im gonna need you to not go anywhere, alright, sweetheart?" he says and sticks the key in the ignition. the doors click shut. im trapped.

***

everything is slowed. maybe im too calm for whats happening, but my biggest issue now is my vision and its blurriness. i follow the road we're going and i cant even read the signs on the boards. i dont know whats happening.

wooyoung pulls up into a parking lot of some restaurant that shows that its closed due to the storm. the silence is thick. im scared that if i open my mouth i'll sob. i havent looked at him once.

my hand reaches to open the car door. it doesnt open. i dont try again. i think im going to die here today.

"my father will pay you any amount you want if you just take me back safely," i say. "or leave me here. but you'll get whatever you want."

"i dont want his money, sweetheart," he says. his nickname makes my eyes shut in rage. it drives me up the fucking wall.

"then what do you want?" i ask, painfully calm. i want to scream and thrash but my body wont let me. its failing me.

"whatever they were saying back there about me, it wasnt true," he says. i dont say anything. he touches my face and i flinch, and he gently moves me to look at him.

his bruised face, busted lip and red coated teeth are unfamiliar to me. but his brown eyes are the same. this cant be the man i love. this cant be the person ive been with for nine months.

"im not going to hurt you," he says softly. "i promise."

"you pointed a fucking gun in my face," i grit through my teeth, my eyes glossing over. "and killed men ive known since i was a girl. im supposed to believe you?"

wooyoung shakes his head, his eyes growing sad as if i dont have the right to be afraid of him. "those people are not who you think they are."

"who the fuck are YOU," i ask sharply. "and what do you want from me?"

"i just want to tell you the truth."

"thats a first."

wooyoung sighs and turns his whole body in the drivers seat. i dont see any sign of his gun anymore. "i dont know how to say this in a good way...theres no way for me to say it softly. but your father's a war criminal."

i blink at him. "what?"

"he funds terrorist groups in yemen, libya, across borders in south east asia. he sells them guns. he sells to anyone who'll buy."

i shake my head and scoff. "you're not fucking serious."

he looks at me pointedly. "did it look like i was joking back there?"

back there where he killed people. oh my god im in the car with a murderer.

"wooyoung, please take me home," i start to cry, holding my head in my hands. hes probably a fucking criminal, i must not know him at all if he was hiding the fact that he owns a gun. i cant be here. "my father will give you anything–"

"i dont want anything from him, mira!" he insists, taking my hand. i jump in my skin, immediately pulling away. it doesnt even feel right. i feel like a cornered dog.

"your father's hiding behind his mining exploits in central africa, funding militias who rely on arms dealing. hes one of the biggest criminals in the world. i got close to exposing him, and thats why his fucking goons attacked me."

this cant be real.

"who are you?" i whisper, horrified.

"im not going to hurt you," he says again, but the more he says it the more i wanna rip my ears off so i dont have to hear it again. wooyoung pulls something out of his jacket, and i expect to see his gun again, but its a gold badge.

not even the police. not even the CIA.

interpol.

i look at him in disbelief. "you're a–"

"spy," he finishes for me. "yes, mira. im a spy. the days i couldnt be there for you, i was watching your father."

my mind starts to scramble. its like the neurons are short circuiting. ive seen this somewhere, maybe james bond. maybe some other bad action flick we watched together. but not real life. i think i wouldve preffered if he just cheated on me.

"how long have you been doing this?" i ask, looking down at the door handle.

"months."

"how long?"

"ten months."

as long as we've been dating.

that whole accident. everything was perfect. its like it was fated. wooyoung told me it was fate–he believed in shit like that. but did he really? or did he just think i did?

i start to laugh uncontrollably.

"when you rammed my car," i chuckle humorlessly. "that wasnt an accident...was it?"

there's a brief pause. and then his admission.

"i was following you."

i look at him in disgust. i cant tell if hes ashamed or not.

"i was just meant to get close to you, but it didnt look like we would be friends," he cringes as he says it out loud, as if realizing just now how bad it sounds. "but our relationship is real to me, i promise. i just got compromised."

"oh shut the fuck up," i scoff. "what did you think was gonna happen, you put my father in jail and then run off into the sunset with me. can you get fucking real?"

i cant believe my ex boyfriends a spy.

"im not lying, mira," he defends, sounding helpless. "i know its bad, but you're a smart girl. you know i had to do this. i was only lying about this. your life, my life, everything was at risk. i couldnt–"

"i let you touch me," i grit through my teeth.

"im sorry," he says, like he couldnt help it. "things were just happening. we thought you couldve been on it. a war criminal with an only daughter whos studying to be an international criminal lawyer, who works with refugees of countries that are destroyed because of insurgency. you dont think thats odd?"

"please dont fucking talk to me about logistics right now."

i put my head in my hands again, and my sobbing gets uncontrollable. i always knew my father was a rough man, im not stupid. a man with millions off of just mining. i work with people whose lives are ruined by those people everyday. the irony is sickening to me, but theres a reason we dont have the best relationship. we're different people.

but a war criminal?

"im sorry for pointing my gun at you," wooyoung apologizes, making me want to lose it. "thats unforgivable. i wont ever do it again."

"do i even know you?" i sniffle pathetically.

"you do, baby, you do. this is all i hid from you. but everything else, our dates, our love. everything is real–"

"we started off as a lie," i lean back into the seat and stare straight ahead, feeling empty. "you were lying for months. you're a fucking stranger to me."

he doesnt know what to say. for once wooyoung cant open his mouth. i guess thats the other version of him.

"im gonna get us food," he says. ive lost my appetite. but if i dont eat i might just throw up my own bile.

"the restaurants closed, cant you read?"

"somewhere else. somewhere further away."

"are you going to kill me?"

"no, mira," he says defeatedly. "im not a bad guy."

we drive to some shitty diner thats somehow still running in this weather. wooyoung orders for me, i let him, because clearly i dont have a choice in who controls what anymore.

my father's a war criminal. everyday after my classes, i'd go to work, sit at a table with kids who dont know have birth certificates, who dont even have parents anymore, who have nowhere to go because their homeland was reduced to rubble, and i'd look them in the face, sign papers that help them find some place in life after they lost everything, family, limbs, and my father  is a war criminal. im a fucking fraud.

i sit at the table, looking at my own hands and wooyoung comes to sit down after. we're the only ones here.

"what's your real name?" i ask him lowly.

"wooyoung."

"dont spies use fake names?" i snort.

"you have my real name and have met my real parents. im telling you, aside from everything else, nothing was a lie."

"why did you date me?" maybe this is the wrong time to focus on this, but i dont know what fucking else im supposed to ask. its my first time dating a spy, forgive me.

he looks at me with an undefinable stare. "because i wanted to."

how selfish. i narrow my eyes. "you didnt think i'd ever find out?"

"there were times you almost did. but i was hoping you'd never have to see me this way."

"and how do you see me?" i honestly wanted to know. am i collateral? privileged girl caught up in the wrong kind of life? a cliche?

"you're a good person, mira," he tells me with what i feel is genuine, but i dont trust my feelings anymore. "you really are. its why i had to keep you away from this."

i lied next to him most nights. even this morning. he could have killed me at any time. i wouldnt even have seen it coming.

"how many of you are there? in my life right now?"

"there's a man working at your mother's house. but thats all i can really tell you."

he must really trust me. seeing as if i was evil, i would have just let my father know that immediately. a waiter puts down a hot chocolate infront of me, and a black coffee for wooyoung.

"what happens to me now?" i shrug. its clear i dont have to fight for this break up anymore. fate sealed the deal for me.

"i cant let you go back," he sighs apologetically. "your life is in danger. your father has too many people pissed off right now. he drove up his prices, they'd do anything to get money out of him. you're staying with me."

how amazing.

"and what happens to you?"

he pushes his hair back, wincing everytime he makes an expression because of shawqi's beating.

"my cover's blown, so im fucked. i just dont know how badly. if my agency knows, they'll take me out. if your father's allies know, which they probably do, they'll take me out. either way, everybody wants to kill me. including you."

i frown deeply, squeezing my own arms. if everyone wants to kill wooyoung then why am i with him right now.

is he using me as leverage? so my father wont kill him?

the question makes my hair raise. i look down at my hot chocolate and its like my head starts running at a million. i think i have to get the fuck out of here.

our food comes and wooyoung starts digging in like hes starving. i watch him, picturing him in a ditch somewhere, completely ruined by some unseen criminals.

the image makes my stomach burn. even though hes a lying bastard, i dont want him dead. what the fuck do i do? i dont think i can do anything.

"i think theres still time to save face, i dont think my agency knows yet. im gonna get us to a safehouse because i had to toss my phone. i took the tracker out of my car too. i guess we'll see when we get there," wooyoung says casually. and i realize how disconnected he really is from this. this is his life. this is how hes been living it away from me.

how did it get to this point. how does one just get this job. i think of instances of what happens to spies when they're found out. they fake their deaths, go on the run, get tortured by enemy governments, are left to rot by their own government, the possibilities of hell are endless.

wooyoung licks his fingers, still looking handsome despite the blood on his face. he gets awkward while i stare at him, i know im being weird but i dont care.

"your hot chocolate's getting cold," he tells me.

"you have no idea what you're doing, do you?" i say genuinely.

wooyoung furrows his brows at me.

"i have a feeling you constantly underestimate me," he says, which stirs something in me. i dont know what it is.

i clearly dont know him. so maybe i do.

i get up without saying anything. "im going to the bathroom." he doesnt object. he just watches me walk off, and i feel his eyes on me the whole time.

the bathroom only has three stalls. and theres a window without burglar bars in every one. i get on top of the toilet and try to push one, but of course, its frozen shut.

i take out my lighter. im an ex smoker, but i still carried one around whenever wooyoung or my friends needed one. i flick open the lighter and hold it to the window, and after a few minutes, it completely shatters. i shielded my face just enough to avoid getting impaled.

the shards dropping are loud, and i wonder if it echos. i can see the car from the windowframe, but i dont have the keys. wooyoung does.

i go back to him nonchalantly, and he gives me a weird look.

"did you slip in there?" he asks. i nod.

"its a little wet for some reason. im getting really cold now."

"do you want my jacket?" he offers. "i did drag you out without your coat."

his guilt will make him do anything now. i nod and hold my hand out for the coat. wooyoung looks back and puts his gun into his pants before shrugging it off and handing it to me. its warm, just like him.

i wrap his coat around me, exaggerating a shiver. he immediately grabs my hands, folding his over mine to warm them. "your hands are so cold. did you take your iron pills this morning?"

"its also just freezing outside," i say blandly. i look down and cant see his keys in his pockets, but i have to make sure.

"can you hug me, please?" i ask softly. his eyes warm like hes been waiting for me to ask anything from him.

"of course, sweetheart." he pulls me in, tightly holding me like an anchor to a ship. i wrap my hands around his waist, feeling around his pockets. his keys are in the jacket. i try to pull away but he doesnt let me.

"not yet," he says softly. "please."

his words make my chest burn. i feel my eyes start to water again. this hug feels like him, it feels like maybe everything was real. but i cant believe it right now. i cant afford to.

when wooyoung finally lets go, regret shines along with the gloss in his eyes. he wants to cry.

"im sorry," he says. "i know ive been saying it a lot but, fuck."

i nod solemnly. "i want to finish up in the bathroom."

"mira," he calls me when i get to the door. i peer over my shoulder.

"i..."

he wants to say i love you. i know he does. hes sappy like that. he said it everytime during sex and thats how i knew he was close. tmi.

i give him a soft look thats not quite a smile. then i go back inside the bathroom and start to climb through the window.

i drop out with an awkward landing, hearing my joints crack at an embarrassing volume. i sprint to his car, looking everywhere in his jacket for the keys. but they're just not there.

"fuck!" i scream. but he didnt have them on him?

"looking for these?" his voice comes from behind me. i turn around slowly and wooyoung dangles the keys from his fingers. im done.

"you'd make a good spy, you know," he tells me, almost mockingly. "the keys were in my jacket. but when you hugged me i stole it back. i knew you were only hugging me to get to them. i know you dont love me the same."

i glare at him, both frustrated and defeated.

"where are you going, mira?" he asks me. theres no threat. its just curiousity. and its fucking patronizing.

"everyone wants to kill you, wooyoung, you said it yourself," i admit with difficulty. "and even though i cant stand my father. i dont think i deserve to die for or with either of you."

"so you were gonna run?"

"yes."

"and go where?"

"anywhere that isnt with the guy who everyone wants dead."

wooyoung laughs and theres something sharp in it. i cant tell if hes hurt or not.

"alright," he sniffs and forces a smile. he tosses me the keys. i catch them with both hands, utterly confused.

he walks up to me, his hands going behind my neck. he moves my hair to the side and unhooks the necklace he gave me.

"what are you..."

he opens the pendant, something i didnt even know he could do and taps it against his palm. something falls out. it looks like a memory card with a growing red light.

"i took out your tracker," he tells me, making my eyes widen. "i put it on you to make sure i always knew where you were, so if you were in trouble i'd know. but your leash is off, sweetheart. i really hope you make it out there on your own."

im frozen. i have the keys. but i cant move.

"well?" he says softly, looking at me intensely. "go, you wanted to leave. im not holding you back."

i fucking hate this. my lip starts to quiver. i want to leave him behind, i want to run. but i dont want to die. and i dont want him to die. and i dont want to leave. and i just wanted us to work out. i just wanted it to be him.

"come here," he says and pulls me into another hug, putting my head on his chest as i start sobbing uncontrollably.

"i fucking hate you, woo." i sob into his shirt as i grip it. he rubs my head softly, and i feel everything spiral all over again.

"i know." he mutters defeatedly.

***

A/N: lowkey idk why i write traumatizing shit like this LMAOOO its like i didnt even try being happy today. do you think wooyoung is a good person. do you think mira loves him less than he loves her. do you think he ACTUALLY loves her. lmk

tagslist: @hon3ysun

next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Hi, could you add the word count to the first chapter of your new story?

omggg i forgot thank you for reminding me ! 🫶

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

CHAPTER 1: GIVE ME BACK MY PLUSHIE

WC: 2704

mira

he's late. even to his own break up. this is so embarrassing.

my mocha. ive been in this cafe too long, the dent in my seat starting to feel deeper. even though the doors are closed, the cold winter air keeps seeping in and the wind keeps rattling the windows. i dont even want to be outside right now.

i would have met up with him at my apartment, but i didnt want to give him a chance to talk my head all crazy. i thought about this long enough. I WONT let him talk me out of it. fuck jung wooyoung, honestly.

i stare into my mocha pathetically. if he wont show up, i'll just cry into this cup. and he'll probably send me a lame text about how he got caught up in traffic or work and just make me regret ever meeting him again.

my heart burns thinking about it. all the time wasted. nine months. it wasnt that long but i only ever dated people i really liked. even when i just date, when its over, i feel like im getting divorced. its just so...dramatic.

its going in for an hour now. i guess "we need to talk" wasnt urgent enough. maybe i should have said "im dying" and sent the address, but i dont even know if he would have been on time for that.

its simple, really. today is the day that i dump wooyoung. and its not because i want to. its just gotten to that point.

the cafe door swings open abruptly with a harsh ding of the bell. wooyoung barges in with his long black coat and grey beanie, looking around the place frantically, his eyes zeroing in on me when he finds me in the furthest booth away. somehow his walk over is slow, kind of shameless even though hes just wasting more of my time. theres a conflicted look on his face.

"hey, cupcake," he greets me with a smile that doesnt reach his eyes and slides into the booth. "sorry im late i–"

i just wave my hand to show that i dont care. "just listen," i tell him, not wanting to hear all that.

he frowns. "somethings wrong."

i feign a smile. "well arent you observant. anyway, i cant do this anymore. i'd like if we never saw each other again." i bend down to pick up a plastic bag full of all of his things and put it on the table. "this is all your clothes and jewelry that you left behind at my apartment."

"what?" woo gasps. "youre breaking up with me? why?"

i cock my head at him. "surely you're not asking me that. isnt it obvious?"

"no, this is coming out of nowhere!"

men.

"you don't respect my time, wooyoung," i say with a shrug. suddenly im the best performer ever. i cried while practicing my speech and now that he was infront of me, it was just coming out like any other debate. "i dont think i fit in your life anymore. your priorities dont include me so i'll do myself that favour and just phase out of existence."

"sweetheart, i was late like five times," he says in disbelief. "and you know why all of those times, you cant possibly think i dont respect your time. you know how busy i am."

he says five times like its so little. i dont actually know why hes so busy. he always attributes it to work but i dont even know what the fuck hes doing over there. maybe i tuned it out every single time because i was just excited to see him. but right now, i really didnt care.

"you missed my grandmother's funeral, woo," i say emptily. "you know how badly i needed you there."

"i stayed with you after, didnt i?" he asks me, his tone getting angrier. "cmon, i was with you the whole night!"

"right, and my grief just disappeared by morning."

"i told you im really busy at wo–"

"wooyoung, im a fucking law student and doing an internship for the UN, i GUARANTEE you're not more busy than me!" i finally snap.

he looks at me with fired up eyes. "so what, you're the only one allowed to be busy?"

his tone makes my calmness wither like a bone in the desert. "no, im the only one clearly MAKING TIME. i dont fucking care what your reason is. i got a B in my Advanced Criminal Procedure exam, im not going to let this eat me up and make my grades worse. so sorry, im not breaking my back to see you anymore."

he clenches his jaw, looking down at his hands. i dont know why hes fighting it. i thought he'd jump to be rid of me because of how clingy i was getting.

"so all this time together...just meant nothing," he scoffs. "its so easy for you to throw it away."

wooyoung was only my third boyfriend. which isnt a lot, but ive heard that line many a lifetime. i just sit there and stare at him.

"why couldnt we talk about this back at your apartment?" he questions me. i knew he would.

the fact that i wanted to do this many times, but everytime i couldnt even get the words out because wooyoung, against my better judgment, would seduce me out of it till i forgot i even wanted to break up with him. then he'd be the perfect boyfriend for like 2 weeks before he just went back to his bullshit again.

"because you wouldnt give me the chance," i tell him firmly. "and you know it."

"damn straight," he looks at me with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes. "and thats too bad. because you forgot chopper."

i frown, opening the plastic bag myself. fucking hell, hes right. i forgot his stupid tony chopper plushie that took up half the space on my bed.

"i can mail it to you," i say with a shrug.

"not happening," wooyoung says and stands up. "cmon, i'll drive us."

"woo, no–"

"im not letting you give chopper away to whatever university frat boy scum comes after me."

i look at him incredulously. i dont even get the chance to object. he throws money on the table for my bill and picks up the plastic bag with his clothes, then walks away carrying my bag to his car.

oh my god, i cant stand him.

***

the silence on the road is more mine than his. hes loud in his actions, looking back on the road for any other cars, sighing and rubbing his head like the world is on his shoulders, turning to look at me like its all my fault.

and here i am, and i dont know what i feel.

i cant say he was always a shit boyfriend. even when he wasnt there, he sort of...was? he made up every bad thing with something even better. but i cant look past time lost. time is all we have.

i remember when we met. and it felt like we had all the time in the world.

i was late to a practical, and he rearended me in the street. it completely fucked up my day. i got out of my car ready to fight and tell him off like the asshole he was, but when i saw him for the first time, its like i forgot my words.

"you fucking rear ended me," i snapped at him. "can you even afford to fix this car?"

"honestly, no. but keep looking at me like that, and i'll find every way in the world to make sure you smile again."

i didnt know what to say when i heard it. his first lines of what i didnt know would be our whole relationship. me pointing a gun and getting disarmed by him immediately. he could never tell what would come out of his mouth next. i always stayed longer than i should have to find out.

until i didnt care to know anymore. i guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

"you're just gonna sit there and say nothing," he suddenly speaks, ripping me out of my inconvenient nostalgia. "i just wanna know...is there someone else."

my irritation spikes immediately. i can barely stand him and he thinks i'd rebound another man.

"i should ask you that, actually," i smile pettily. "working late all the time, seeing me at odd hours. finding me at strange places. you're the one who was moving weird, not fucking me."

he brakes the car on a dark road, making me jump. he turns his whole body and leans into me, giving me a bewildered look.

"you think i'd ever do that to you?" he says, shaking his head. "i gave you all of my one piece merch even after i know you havent caught up with the manga. my parents only call me to ask about you. my fucking wall is full of pictures of you. my life revolves around you, and you think i'd do that to you?"

i feel tears pressing behind my eyes, but i blink them away quickly, clearing my throat and looking away from his intense gaze.

"you did all of that, but you couldnt do the one thing i wanted from you. which was be there."

"do you think i wouldnt be there if i had a choice?"

his question hangs in the air. and i feel my throat getting thicker.

"i dont know, wooyoung. i think this has just been a lot. we dont know each other anymore. please just drive."

he scoffs again, adjusting the gear too hard. "utter bullshit. i didnt know you were the type to give up so easily."

i clench my fist. he knows i hate when he challenges me. hes just doing this to make it feel like one. that was our whole relationship. a challenge that felt good until it didnt.

wooyoung was so carefree and managed to do everything he wanted, despite real life responsibilities. it made me jealous. outside of my work, i struggled to keep friends, and having wooyoung felt like an accomplishment. it felt like there was so much i learnt from him. we were like sponges, taking everything from each other. but if his interest is gone, then i dont wanna waste my time giving anymore.

i lay my head against the window to sleep till we get home, praying he wouldnt drive shit this time around. he wakes me when we're out front, and getting my keys and unlocking the door feels like the biggest challenge in the world.

it immediately starts pouring from the sky. the rain sounds like hail. i wonder if he'll be able to drive home like this, he can barely see when its clear out. when we get into the apartment i slip off my trenchcoat and its taken from me before im even able to put it on the rack.

i turn around, seeing wooyoung putting it on the rack.

"thanks," i mutter. he doesnt say anything back.

i feel like my head is swimming. he needs to leave now.

i immediately rush off into my room, seeing the chopper plushie leaning off the bed. i meant to pack him in.

while im getting him, my eyes betray me and find all our polaroids on my nightstand.  the zoro figurine he gave me holding my stationary.

wooyoung flicks on the lamp, making me jump. i sweep my hair out of my neck, suddenly feeling nervous.

im not used to him being quiet. hes always loud, present. hard to miss.

"you're not wearing the necklace i got you," i hear him say. hes disappointed.

"it didnt match my outfit," i answer him without turning around. why am i still explaining myself?

"it goes perfectly with your earrings, actually," he tells me. hes leaned against my door frame, just watching. im frozen, chopper warming my skin against my will, indirectly comforting me. i wish i could actually keep him.

one memory wouldnt hurt, right?

wooyoung suddenly walks to my drawer, opening it and pulling my necklace out. its gold with a tear-shaped emerald pendant, because green's my favourite colour. he plants himself infront of me, putting it on for me. its slow, and agonizing. i should have known he wouldnt go out easy.

i make the mistake of looking up at him. and hes already looking at me.

his eyes are dark and telling. hes not going to make this easy. im holding my breath.

"dont do this, sweetheart," he says in a low voice. his hand cups the side of my neck, and he has the nerve to rub it tenderly. his skin is warm. "you're so cold."

his lips drift closer to mine, the space between us forming a dimension on its own. his breath is about to be shared with mine until i realize what hes doing. he kisses me before i can pull away, and once he does, its like im swallowed all over again. chopper falls out of my hands.

he doesnt just kiss me. he absorbs me. his lips are harsh and demanding–even desperate. hes taking again. im almost leaned over into the bed when his arm comes around my waist, the only thing holding me from folding over. i cant do this again. it always ends like this.

i put my hand against his chest, pushing him back. its like he wont let go of my lips. "dont start, wooyoung," i say breathlessly. "you always do this."

"you still want me," he says, not even listening to me. "you're still mine."

"shut up!" i say frustratedly. i elbow him and bend down to pick chopper up. "get the fuck out. im keeping this. you dont deserve him."

"no," he says stubbornly, holding out his hand. "give me back my plushie."

the anger rises to my head and i toss the thing at his head. "give me back my fucking nine months!"

"it was ten," he corrects me, forcing a smile.

"no it wasnt."

"im counting since the day i met you."

i look at him incredulously.

"you havent said sorry even once," i explode. "for any of the inconveniences, for being late. you fucking late TODAY. and i still dont get an explanation, what do you take me for?"

"its shit you wouldnt care about!" he says back with the same tone, like HE has something to be angry about. "im here now, mira. im sorry, i really am. i didnt realize how bad its gotten. but i'll try harder, i promise. havent i always made it up to you?"

"i dont want you to make it up to me, i want you to GET IT RIGHT. listen to me, listen to what im telling you."

"FINE THEN I WILL," he snaps. "i'll get it right. we can break up, but we're getting back together. because im not a quitter. this is just a phase, and it'll pass. i'll suffocate you like a fungus, i'll figure this shit out, i promise. and you know i dont break my promises."

now he's promising. why couldnt he do that before.

"im supposed to believe that now?" i scoff. "you're suddenly going to be perfect NOW? why does it have to get this bad before you realize how much you're fucking up."

he frowns and wipes his face in frustration. "i thought i had time to fix my shit. i didnt realize i was on a timer."

i look at him, not even knowing what to say. thats his fucking problem. he doesnt think hard enough.

"you're suffocating me," i admit, my chest feeling heavy. "everything youre doing now, its just...i just think you should go."

"but we can figure this out right?" he almost begs. "im sorry, cupcake. i really am. i hate seeing you like this."

"wooyoung, just go, please."

he picks chopper up, resigning. i wipe my tears fast so he doesnt see them, speedwalking to the door so i can let him out before i make any more mistakes. but when i go to open the door, it doesnt budge.

"what the fuck," i grunt and pull on it. wooyung comes up behind me, and i move out of the way so he can open it. but even then, it only rattles.

he goes to the window and sighs.

"its snowing outside."

"what?"

i check for myself. my cars tyres are almost halfway sunken into a white blanket, and i realize the door has to have been frozen shut. the rain pours harder by the second.

just my fucking luck.

he turns to me and i can tell he wants to be smug. hes just barely choking it down. "i guess you're stuck with me."

NEXT CHAPTER

***

A/N: pleaaase dm me if you want to be part of the taglist thank you love you lovelies <3

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

MISSION: YOU

wooyoung is a lousy boyfriend, and eventually, mira gets sick of the lies and flakiness. but when its time to break up, he ends up hiding worse than she expected. in a world where nothing is safe, not even your own feelings, love is a weapon.

WARNING: THIS IS A WOOYOUNG CENTERED FIC. the other members will make appearances here and there. this is also NOT a representation of how i see the members, this is purely for entertainment purposes and a result of my overactive imagination. do not associate my fanfic personalities with the boys irl.

themes: crime | guns | death | terrorism | sexual themes | action | difficult topics | toxic relationships | etc etc

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7

part 8

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Is speak for yourself finished? 😊

it is completed yes :) unless i decide to write oneshots for the characters which i could see happening in the future

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Your mood board looks amazing. Which app did you use?

i use pinterest collages ! :)

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 20: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

wc: 2740

warnings: none.

prev chapter

***

~ 2 years later

yaera

i dont smoke malboro gold anymore. i never had the guts to quit either. cuban cigars have grown on me, and my lungs probably want to vacate my body, but since an old woman that strangely reminded me of my grandmother taught me how to handroll one, i didnt just want to give it up.

constanza taught me lots of things. how to make traditional jewelry, soap, candles and even some textiles. her shop is loved by locals and tourists alike, even though on most days, its not really busy. its always just a slight buzz, like the rest of soroa.

her grandson was apparently on drugs, so she needed someone urgently to start helping in the shop. luckily for me, she was desperate, and i just happened to not be good at a damn thing. but she had the patience and still taught me. something something, rotten work.

"you bring more people because you're pretty," constanza told me. "not more pretty than me in my days, but still pretty."

she wasnt even wrong. the shop had some framed pictures of constanza in her heyday, and man, even marilyn monroe would be jealous. like a 40s hollywood bombshell. the kind of woman james bond wouldve fallen for on some mission in cuba. at 70, her cheekbones still cut diamonds.

the locals and tourists thought i was cuban, till i whipped out the italian and they were more impressed and spent enough time in the shop for constanza to throw fifty deals at them. it was ritualistic.

today things are more quiet. constanza's busy in the back, and the only people walking around are a little girl and her mother. they come to the reception with two big candles. i overheard them speaking, they sounded british.

"vanilla and jasmine, classic flavours," i say in english, smiling at the little girl.

"can i eat them?" the girl asks her mother.

"no, you cannot." the girl's mother answers stiffly.

"but she said it was vanilla?" the girl says in confusion.

her mom squeezed her hand tightly, and i knew that "shut up" motion all too well.

miserable on vacation? reminds me of my own mother. thank god, i dont miss her.

"it only smells like vanilla," i answer the little girl. "it tastes like wax, very yucky. you dont wanna try it and get sick."

she smiles shyly at me and rocks back and forth on her heels. her mom puts down the money and looks like she just wants to get out of here.

"what happened to your face?" the little girl suddenly asks, pointing to her own cheek.

"milly!" her mother gasps, slapping her mouth shut. "im so sorry about that."

embarrassment grows on my skin and i just smile and put the candles in the bag so they can get the fuck out. now i wish milly would eat that candle. fuck them kids.

milly and her mom leave the shop, and the afternoon sun is leaving the pavement. the bell on the door rings on their way out. i lightly graze my cheek, tracing the bite marks left behind. constanza told me its not noticable. but she noticed it enough to say its not noticable.

how many hours left?

"no more want to work?" constanza comes out from the back, smiling at me knowingly.

i cant force a smile. men often flirt with me here, but a child just asked what happened to my face. kids are more honest than men-everyone knows that.

"señora epsino, le dije que entiendo español." i say with a sigh. (Mrs Espino, I told you I understand Spanish).

"but then how will i practice my ingles?" she scoffs at me. "go home, you are not any fun today."

"i can go home?" i perk up like a dog. "serious?"

she clicks her teeth at me. "before i change my mind."

i run up to her, kissing her on the cheek. she groans and wants to shove me away but i run away fast enough. the bell dings. i call out and say bye to her. then, i make my way home.

***

san

the broom's too short for me. always has been. but don miguel insists it "builds character," which i think is old man code for i'm not buying another one.

he's snoring in the backroom again, the little radio beside him playing bolero songs older than both of us combined. the glass jars clink a little when i sweep too hard near the counter. i try not to wake him.

the place smells like eucalyptus and plastic. shelf after shelf of over-the-counter meds, dusty ointments, and herbal teas locals swear by. i used to imagine i'd be in a white coat one day, writing up prescriptions in some city. now i'm here, sweeping floors and counting painkillers for farmers with busted knees.

i swear mr miguel only hired me because im asian.

i guess i should be happy that's what i had going for me, seeing as i didnt get to finish high school.

i told myself i have to go back, i have to finish. this small life...it cant be mine forever.

when the last customer leaves and the sun starts dipping behind the hills, i lock the front gate. don miguel's already back to snoring. i don't wake him. he always finds his way home.

the walk back is all gravel and golden light. i pass a group of teenagers wrestling near the mango trees, teeth bared, fists flying. they remind me of me and wooyoung before everything went to shit. scrappy, loud, stupid. its what we wouldve been, if we had met any other way. if we met on a playground instead of the floor of a gangster's garage.

i almost want to stop and break it up, but they're laughing too much. so i keep walking.

i see the door to my front porch open and tighten my hands on my bag, nearly falling as i stumble in.

"yaera?" i call, trying to be cautious and not panicked.

she comes out of the kitchen, wearing an apron. i see why the door's open, because something's burning.

"what did i tell you about leaving that door open?" i ask her seriously. she swings her arms around my neck, pressing her lips to mine. i drop my bag and tighten my hands around her waist.

just as i start to melt, she pulls away and gives me a stupid smile.

"what did i tell you about actually explaining to me how an old stove works?" she fires back at me.

"i explained like eighty times," i sigh with a smile on my face.

"youre about to explain eighty-one times if you wanna eat."

"no need. mr miguel gave me homemade pies from his wife."

"thank god."

yaera lets go of me and goes to close the door. i head into the kitchen to see what she made, shrugging off my shirt in the process. i smell like antiseptic, the perfume she gave me and the day's sweat.

i look inside the pot and see something charred on the bottom. "what even is this?" i ask. it looks like burnt spices.

"something with onions," she comes up behind me, sliding her arms through mine as she hugs me. "maybe."

"maybe?" i say with a hum.

"it doesnt matter now. its gone to hell, like everything i touch." she pouts against my bare back.

i turn myself around, making sure to hug her from the front now. "not true, your food dies but i came home perfectly fine."

she looks up at me with that look. i dont know what it is, but her eyes go big and soft, and i surrender like a strawhouse. i lean down to kiss her, holding her face like a priceless ceramic. her lips melt against mine, like the sunkissed petals of a flower. shes slow today, probably tired. she usually devours me.

shes gotten used to slow everything. especially out here, where the only constants are waking up and going to bed, the ceiling fan, the sunrise and sunset and mosquito bites. i thought we wouldnt make it through this...the quiet.

the evil voice in my head still told me, i met yaera in chaos, we lived through chaos and now that it was all over...we'd shrink like a seasonal fruit. but somehow...she still looks at me the way she does. and she still wants to sleep next to me. and when i piss her off, on the chair opposite my bedside.

she pulls away from me, breathless, her hand on the band of my pants. i want her like i always do.

"i did not miss you," she tells me. i smirk and push back her hair, and it spins down her back in curls.

"speak for yourself, marino."

***

yaera

i know once san starts eating my face, nothing will get done. for a man that could barely handle me existing near him before, now its like he wouldnt let me breathe. he drags me to bed (i willingly went) and damn near suffocates me into the duvet (i pulled him down with me and locked his entire waist with my legs).

he plants soft kisses on my lips, playfully tugging my bottom one, dragging it slowly as he smiles. god, sometimes this didnt feel real. "you didn't miss me, huh?"

"not even a little," i tease. his hand trails up the side of my thigh, drifting up my sundress. he holds eye contact with me with every motion, and i cant help but get lost in the bliss.

"i guess we have to fix that, huh, marino?"

"do your worst."

san smirks, and one of the best things to come out of everything, was san's fucking insufferable, adorable competitiveness. this could go on for days, any game we played. its like we were always pushing and pulling, and i used to think that was the best part.

but the best part was giving in. finally surrendering. because i got to be curled up into his arms and squished between his biceps. kind of like now.

san's sculpted frame lies between my legs, my entire body folded between his muscled arms and his face blessing mine with very little distance. our breaths are intermixing, like some kind of spell, because thats what it feels like with him. it just never gets old.

ive seen the worst of him—no, we've seen the worst of each other. and now its just this. the stuff we never got to revel in. the parts we hid from each other because of our agendas and fears. now it was just bliss.

staying after all that, after seeing the worst part of someone, like having them undress infront of you in the most naked way, and still loving them. i couldnt describe love as anything less.

san strokes my scar, knowing how much i hate it. but when he does it, i feel like it doesnt even exist. i had to get medical attention back then because apparently human bites were really infectious, and hongjoong was a fucking psycho so who knows where his teeth was before munching onto me.

definetely not in wedding cake. thats for sure.

san's eyes are so much softer now. i thought they'd lose all life after everything. i was so scared there'd be nothing left of us.

but somehow we rebuilt out here. we held on. from hong kong to cuba. we stayed alive to have all this.

san lifts my dress above my bed, taking it off slowly. i just let him, honestly, he lets me do anything i want anyways, and i do the same. he buries his face in my neck and i smile, feeling the feverish, ticklish rhythm of his lips. and then of course, i feel him.

he moves like he has all the time in the world, like he really wants me to feel him. and i feel every single line of him. "i missed you so much," he whispers needily. "i thought of you the whole day."

"i missed you more," i say through a suppressed whine. i tighten my legs around his hips so he can move deeper, yet i can barely breathe when he does.

"its not a competition, marino," he chuckles deeply, like he knows what hes doing.

"but if it was...i-i'd win."

"stuttering, are you?"

"shut the fuck up, san," i groan and grab his face, gasping onto his lips when he picks up the speed. we're like an old married couple overdoing missionary, but i dont give a fuck, because san is beautiful and i wouldnt want him anywhere else if not on top of me.

"stop being mean to me," he says, nipping at my ear. i swear, soon this starts feeling like a high. a religious experience almost. is that blasphemous? knowing.this is premarital? either way, in these few minutes, i taste heaven. its between my fingertips, under my nailbeds, across his back. its in the way he grips my skin as he gets under it. the way he pulls my hair down as he drives me up the wall. choi san is a religious experience on his own.

"i-i think im–" i cant even get it out. san shushes me and keeps going. then, his fucking phone starts blaring.

its so loud it ruins the mood. gasolina is playing. i look at san like he cant be serious.

"really?" i ask him.

he pauses and sighs, shrugging. "what?"

"just so you know, daddy yankee is puerto rican. not cuban."

"i didnt put that as my ringtone because of that!"

"mmm sure, san."

it keeps ringing. san groans and reaches over me to get it, but doesnt make a move to get off me. thats until he sees the caller id, and he suddenly rolls off and sits right up, making me frown.

san answers and puts the phone on speaker. "lucas?" he says, his breath suddenly short.

lucas. he hasnt called in a while.

"hey san. sorry to bother, i know you probably didnt expect to hear from me. b-but i have to tell you something," his voice comes from the other line. he sounds so off, i can tell he doesnt have good news.

he only ever calls to hear how we are, and tries to keep that side of the world out of our earshot. it was sweet.

"go ahead man. are you okay?" san asks.

"its mao. he's gone man. they took him out last night."

silence. san stares and grips his phone tightly, and i see it all rush past in his face.

its like hes pulled back into everything. he remembers it all, because in the end, hes thinking about the beginning.

"san?" lucas asks into the silence. "im sorry for dropping this news on you man. its just that...mao always told me you have to be at his funeral–im not dragging you back into this gang stuff, but mao–"

san hangs up abruptly. lucas doesnt try calling back.

i touch his arm, rubbing it softly. but i see it in his eyes. that fire. san thinks its out of him, but once you're stuck in a storm that long, all you know are those rough waters. peace feels like being in the eye. you dont expect it to last. more so, you dont know if you want it to. because it isnt what you know.

i know what san knows. danger. chaos. intensity.

its none of what he has now. he tried so hard to run from it. it took wooyoung from him. but when i look at him in this moment, all i see is a man yearning for the familiar. and being ashamed of it. he doesnt want to be living in the chaos. he wants this. peace. bird-chirping mornings. the sun behind the mountain. helping out farmers.

but he cant escape what hes made up of, can he?

"i..." he tries to speak, but his eyes are helpless. "mao's dead."

san's last unofficial family. his father's right hand, and the whole reason hes still alive. i know whats coming. i dont fight it, because ive always wanted him the way he is. even the parts hes ashamed of.

he turns to me and has a strained look on his face. i raise my brows knowingly, not fighting it. he knows i'll go where he does, that was my part of the deal. and i dont break my promises.

i sigh and take his hand. "so, we're going back to hong kong?"

***

A/N: thank you for reading speak for yourself guys :) and thank you for the support. it was so much fun. i love you all <3

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 19: SLEEPING DOGS

wc: 4612

warnings: none.

prev chapter

***

san

wooyoung tries to swallow his sobs down the entire ride to the warehouse. it drives me crazy.

i know we fucked up. i know things are bad. i just want everyone to hold on a little while longer. because this is almost over. we just need to get through this night.

when we arrive at the abandoned shipyard, we see the faded logo of some forgotten shipping company on the rusty and weathered walls of the warehouse. its like a scene out of a call of duty map. the warehouse is surrounded by piles of shipping containers hazardously stacked on each other, their colours faded and their outsides dented and tilted.

lucas leaves the car on the uneven concrete of the yard and we head inside the house.

its interior is filled with rusted, outdated machinery, forklifts and cranes lying around. there are just random crates scattered and it looks like everyone just vanished in the middle of their job. i look around and try to wonder why a place like this would be abandoned, desperate to distract myself.

"there's like a mattress and an old couch on top of the mezzanine," lucas breaks the silence, that up until now was only filled by distant seagulls and occassional creaks of metal. "you guys can crash up there."

"where are you sleeping?" yaera questions, holding onto my arm.

lucas shrugs. "probably my car, i dont like the smell of this place."

"what happens now?" i ask him. "with you, i mean. do you go back to mao?"

"im going to hong kong with woo. boss asked me to make sure he gets where he needs to be safely. you can take my car to get to the airport for your flight."

"thanks man," i said gratefully. i look at woo, whos standing with the duffelbag of guns in his hand, zoning out on a spot on the floor.

"you need to let him know though. the boss. he wants to know when you've made it safely, then you can cut all contact and not worry about anything ever again." lucas adds.

for years, mao has been my father's confidant, his right hand almost. when my father got into shitty debt with the 105ths, mao tried to save him as much as he could by trying to pay off the debt but it got so bad all my father could do was die-or completely disappear. he chose the latter.

i always wondered what my father did to earn such loyalty. he was a fucking loser. a complete shitbag. but here i am, years later, being protected by his connections.

alright, i wouldnt say protected, because mao couldnt save me from the 105ths. but he sure as hell made sure i never died young. no matter how close i got.

"im not gonna cut all contact," i say. no matter how tempted i'd be, i'd still want to hear about wooyoung. "lets not get head of ourselves."

"is there food around here?" yaera asks, frowning. "i know this is inappropriate, but im like really hungry."

yaera and i look at lucas expectantly. he sighs.

"cmon guys, you know i cant leave. i'll call up one of the runners to bring us by pizza or some shit."

"woo, you feeling pizza?" i turn to him, but when i look hes not next to me.

wooyoung walks up the mezzanine in complete silence and disappears out of our view.

"is he good?" lucas asks, raising a brow.

ive never seen guilt like this hit wooyoung before. hes never hurt an innocent person. every person he hurt, on the surface, fully deserved it. just being hongjoong's sister, did not qualify as deserving it. it wasnt some shitty gangster he shot, it was a girl on her wedding day. i know thats why hes taking it so hard.

i dont know what i can say that could ever make any of this better.

for the rest of the day, we starve and bask in nothingness. no news updates, nothing, its like we're completely cut off from the outside world. wooyoung is laid frozen on the couch, staring at a spot on the ground and taking turns blinking with each eye.

last i saw yaera, she still fought to get the pizza from lucas, who discreetly annoyed every connection he had so we can eat something. eventually, i got so bored that i take a walk out of the warehouse and into the yard.

i stroll slowly, walking to the edge of the yard and staring ahead at the waves.

its so secluded. its like everything else in the world was quiet. this would be perfect for a gang to just dump bodies. i wonder if before this place ran aground...if it was used for just that.

seagalls flew in circles above me. i watched them dazedly, my head pounding from hunger and trying to imagine my life 2 weeks from now. what would my lunches be like, my average afternoons, would mosquitos bite me in the cuban summer, would i finally be someone out there?

this was like death. i was going to kill choi san and abandon all his dreams. how heavy for just...a random afternoon.

as im getting lost in watching the dark blue waves crash against the platform, i feel someone nudge me from behind.

yaera holds out a slice of pizza for me, giving me a small smile.

i took it with a quiet chuckle, shaking my head. "i guess even in these circumstances, you still know how to get what you want." i said.

"he didnt have a choice," she says, attempting a laugh as well. "we were starving. we at least deserve pizza after...everything."

i didnt know if we deserved anything to be honest. but i didnt question it, i just finished the slice in three bites. i didnt even really chew, feeling my neck muscles work overtime so i could swallow.

"is wooyoung eating?" i ask her.

yaera's small smile fades quickly, and she shoves her hands into her pockets and looks out into the waves as well. "i left him a plate but...everytime i passed by he hadnt even touched it yet."

i sigh and feel my chest dully ache. for wooyoung to refuse food was just...another level of low.

"are we just so fucked up to the point where nothing gets us anymore?" i ask genuinely. "is wooyoung reacting appropriately and we're just...empty?"

we killed a girl on her wedding day instead of the gangster we were targetting. and yet wooyoung is the only one sick to his stomach right now.

"i dont know, san," yaera mutters. i could tell she didnt know what to tell me. "i hope we can go back to being...people...after this."

people? and what were people? were people not made up of their dreams, the people they loved, the things they loved? did we even still have those things? or were we lying to ourselves that we'd have all those things as soon as these horrors passed? to soothe how rotten we really were?

"you know what i realized? we can never go back." i say. yaera frowns at me.

"not to who we were...not our dreams...i wanted to go to nottingham. i wanted to reunite with my mother but now..." i laugh emptily. "now im escaping to cuba, because if i stay, the highly dangerous gangster whose sister and best friend i murdered will find me and gut me and my girl."

"our lives were shit, san," yaera says. "this is all we've got. i never had a dream. i never thought of something that could make me happy because i lost everything that made me happy. i cant go back to italy because i killed a man and my own friend by dealing her drugs. but at least...at least my nonna will not see who i've become."

"she might not see me again...none of these people will ever see us again, but at least we have a chance at still being recognizable to ourselves."

was that hope? was that as close as we could still get to it? like touching sunlight through a heavy fog?

"we are all we have right now, yaera," i remind her. i wasnt even trying to be romantic, but us running away after all the terrible shit we did, it solidified everything. "you and me...you have to promise me, even if whatever we have crashes and burns...we're not leaving. we're not going our own ways. we can't. not after everything."

"one day, you might look at me and hate me and think, you wish you never met a fuck like me. but you can hate me, hate me all you want, hate me for whatever, but you can't leave me alright? please...don't."

i didnt know where it was coming from. it feels like my mouth was just running and i was throwing up my feelings. i cringe inside, wanting to shut the fuck up so badly. yaera looks at me softly, that disarming look that was my reason to beg.

even if we're criminals now, even if our lives are hell, i didnt want her to ever stop looking at me like that.

"i dont think i could ever hate you, san," she says quietly.

i took her hand from her side, feeling the pizza grease still on it. i fight a smile, knowing all i'd do is look like a wounded dog. "lets try not to jinx it, alright?"

the sun starts to set and we head back to the warehouse. since the place was abandoned so far back, the lights in the yard didnt work so the outside was just pitch...black. darkness, with nothing but the moon illuminating on the waves and casting a faint glow onto the yard.

i wanted to talk to wooyoung, but he had finally passed out, his pizza still untouched. i sighed and bent down infront of him, ruffling his hair. he didnt budge to wake up.

"we'll be good, woo." i assured him.

when wooyoung and i worked together for the first time, he thought i needed mental help for how incompetent i was. he was there of his own accord, to eat, to survive. he knew what he had to do and he would do that and more.

then there was me, there because it was either that or die. internally, i wanted to make a mistake so they'd just kill me. but then wooyoung...somehow he made this disgestable.

i could bear it if it was us suffering together. but now...i thought the both of us just needed something else. something other than suffering.

that night, as yaera laid on my chest, i prayed for the first time in forever. i knew we didnt deserve it, but i asked for forgiveness. and i asked that now, if we couldnt have redemption, if we could at least have peace.

hopefully god's cell wasnt on do not disturb now that i had his number.

***

yaera

i cant say i had the best sleep. the anxiety from everything coupled with the shitty springs in this odd smelling mattress didnt equal the bed befitting of a queen. but oh well. it made me actually worry about going to prison.

as we got ready and wooyoung packed his bags quietly, i watched him solemnly. even though he didnt like me, i still hoped things would go well for him. he was san's best friend. and knowing how san's life was, wooyoung likely didnt have an easy life either.

"hey...you should have something to eat," i tell him. he doesnt even look up at me. "you dont know what they'll have on that boat you know, could be shit."

"yeah, woo," san adds. "who knows when you'll have pizza again."

"how long's the voyage?" i ask.

"mao said the shortest would be 2 weeks," wooyoung mutters, sounding like he wasnt really interested.

san and i look at each other awkwardly. maybe we should stop bothering him.

"have you ever watched pirates of the caribbean, woo?" san asks.

woo looks up at him drily. "of course i have. who hasnt? jesus what is up with these questions."

san shrugs awkwardly. god we are terrible at comforting people. "well, since you liked to think of us as those gangsters in sleeping dogs, now you can imagine yourself as a pirate on a crew."

"you kinda are," i add. "pirates are just criminals at sea...you're well..."

woo gives us a deadpan look. "i cant wait to get drunk so i can forget this conversation happened."

"fair enough." san says and awkwardly rubs his head.

lucas comes in through the door at the bottom, looking up at the mezzanine.

"yo, its almost time, lets head to the dock," he says.

its early in the morning, the sun hasnt even risen yet. we head down the stairs and san takes some of the bags from wooyoung so he doesnt struggle. lucas offers me a cigarette when we walk out of the warehouse and out into the yard. its my first relief for the day.

it feels like the nic is coursing through my whole body, not just my lungs. its almost euphoric. i dont know when last ive had such a good smoke.

eventually we get to the dock, and woo turns around, looking at all of us with a frown that only deepens.

"i guess...this is it."

"yeah," san mutters.

"not really the best goodbye, huh?"

"not like we couldve thrown a party," lucas throws in. he nods to san. "soon as we're gone, you guys should head to the airport. you got a flight to catch."

san and wooyoung stare at each other long enough for them to burst out crying and throw their arms around each other. lucas sighs and lights another cigarette at the scene, passing it to me again. it doesnt take long for lucas to look like he wants to cry too.

"im sorry, for everything," woo says through his sobs as he clutches onto san. "you're my brother. i'll never forget that."

"dont be sorry, woo," san says back with the voice i only heard when he broke down infront of me. "if i ever had to do any of this shit again, i'd do it with you. and only you."

a tear rolls down my cheek but i quickly flick it away. woo pulls away from san and looks at me. "sorry for threatening to kill you that one time," he sounds like a baby. "take care of san and my future grandkid, okay?"

i smile and pull him into a hug. he freezes for a second before lightly patting me on the back.

"goodbye, wooyoung. take care."

woo adjusts his bag on his shoulder and nudges lucas. he wipes his face with one harsh swipe of the palm and pushes his hair back. "alright, im ready, lets go."

they take a walk ahead of us and we watch them go. the blue on the horizon starts to mix with an inkling of red. the stars and the moon look brighter than ever. the morning is quiet except for the waves. this wasnt the best ending...but at least, we were at peace.

wooyoung stops and lifts his hand to wave back to us and san hasnt stopped crying. his face is frozen in a defeated expression and his eyes are pleading. he cant even wave back. i reach out and squeeze his hand.

BOOM!

i jump in my skin, looking at wooyoung.

BOOM!

wooyoung's head jerks back and he hits the ground abruptly. lucas is already on the floor. a shadow walks out from behind a container, smoke drifting from the barrel of the shotgun.

"hongjoong," san whispers in horror. he tugs on my arm and starts running.

***

san

i cant think. i run back to the warehouse dragging yaera, stopping at the entrance. the bag full of guns are at the top of the mezzanine. i turn around and see hongjoong walking leisurely towards the warehouse. fuck this.

i grab yaera's face and point out inbetween the containers close by. "run, and dont look back."

she nods with wide eyes, scurrying away with our bag. i rush up the stairs and open the zip of the bag, looking for something that wasnt a long range weapon.

my hands find a glock 17. bullets untouched. i run down and get ready to face hongjoong. but when i get to the bottom...hes nowhere to be found.

did...did he go after her?

"yaera!!" i scream at the top of my lungs, running out into the yard. its dead silent.

***

yaera

"yaera!!" i hear san scream. im hiding behind a container, cupping my mouth closed as i listen for hongjoong's footsteps. my entire body is shaking. i saw him get to the entrance of the warehouse and turn after me. what the fuck did i do.

did he want to take me out purely because his sister died and she was a girl too? what fucking bullshit misogyny is this?

i hear something shift in the air. i peer around the corner from the container, seeing something pass quickly. i cant tell if its real, if it was my own strand of hair, but the only thing in my ears right now is my own heartbeat. i feel like i cant breathe.

BOOM!

the gun goes off and i yelp loudly, feeling like i was going to piss myself. i start to hear his footsteps rapidly approach and i grab the bag and start fucking running.

BOOM!

he shoots down the bag out of my hand and it flies to the side. i scream and drop it, running inbetween a path of containers lying on their sides.

hes just fucking with me. he had a shot. he couldve killed me. but he shot the bag down. hes playing with his food.

hes not even rushing after me. if he was running, i'd be dead. but i can hear him calmly walking, taking a stroll through the fucking park. i look at the containers and see two strategically opposite each other. the gap between them not huge. i run for them, jumping and kicking off the one container to launch myself onto the other.

my stomach hits the edge, knocking the wind out of me. i let out a pained choke as i drag my nails against the top, pulling myself up all the way. i lay at the top, covering my mouth with both hands, feeling the tears run down the sides of my face.

i hear his footsteps.

he stops directly next to my container, his presence suffocating and nauseating. i turn slowly, looking down to see the top of his head. i quickly move away and grip my face tighter, freezing in my skin till he walks away.

and he walks.

then i hear him stop.

hongjoong jumps up and grabs the edge of the container, grabbing my ankle with one hand. i start screaming and kicking wildly as i start to slide down.

"let go of me you cunt!" i scream, booting him in the face. he lets go and thuds against the ground and i hear him laugh.

my breaths are harsh and i cant stop crying. hes fucking crazy.

"its just you and me again, waiting on your boyfriend. dont you get deja vu?" he says.

fuck! "san, dont come here!" i yell out. am i even helping? fuck, i dont know what to do!

"hongjoong!" i hear san's voice and running. fuck me! "where are you, you fucking bastard!"

***

san

the gunshots send my blood pressure spiking. whys he going after her? why did i leave him alone with her AGAIN?

"san, dont come here!" i hear her voice. she sounds desperate. he fucking found her. he found her and hes luring me out.

i dont even care. he has to die regardless. and one of us will. as long as it isnt her.

i run in, my gun cocked and ready. "hongjoong! where are you, you fucking bastard!"

i sprint through the maze of containers, gripping the gun so tightly my knuckles ache. i turn a corner, my eyes are scanning quick, but the morning light doesnt help. everything looks like a shadow or sillhouette.

then, i see her.

shes sitting up on top of a container with her knees to her chest, trying to stay in the unreachable middle.

and hongjoong is right below.

my chest heaves as he turns around, looking me right in the face. he was laughing with her, but as soon as he saw me, his eyes darkened like a demon.

"there you are," he says. "this is how you finish a job."

he lifts the shotgun and fires.

i see it coming, throwing myself to the side. but my ears start ringing and something on my arm stings and burns, but i dont stop moving. i raise my gun and fire rapidly at him while hes in the middle of a reload.

he ducks behind a container, the bullets flying into the metal. i hear him reload. i quickly force myself up and run the other way around, trying to catch him on the other side.

but when i get to that side of the container, its empty. the ghost of him is here.

Boom!

a spark lands right by the edge of my container, almost deafening. i turn in that direction and fire my gun again, feeling it warm in my hand with every bullet that leaves. each bullet lands after him like a trail of bread crumbs, but nothing lands. im low, i can feel it.

i stay low and move quietly, trying to flank him. i duck somewhere low to think. hes better with short range and heavy damage.

i need to get close before he blasts again.

"san!" yaera's voice calls from above. "hes reloading! now!"

i come out from my hiding and we both fire at the same time. the recoil punches my arm. i see the spark of his shot hitting the container behind me, so fucking close to my head. he drops the shotgun and curses, then comes running at me.

i fire at him, hearing the emptiness of the clip. fuck!

he crashes into me, ramming me into the container and the gun drops from my hand.

his fist clashes into my face twice, but i catch his arm the third time, throwing him into the container. i aim my elbow at his head, but hongjoong shoves me back before i can reach him, thrusting his knee into my stomach.

next thing i know, im on the ground, and crawling away.

hongjoong spits blood onto the floor, the blood trickling down his chin as he gazes at me with hell in his eyes.

***

yaera

this isnt a fight san can win. with a gun or not.

watching hongjoong beat the shit out of him, i can tell that if san doesnt get hold of a weapon, hes going to die. hongjoong is merciless. i watch helplessly as he kicks the shit out of san, whos curled into a ball and trying to creep away.

"fucking get up," hongjoong spits at him, pulling him up by his hair.

san needs a gun. and quick. didnt lucas or wooyoung have one on them?

the idea makes my skin flush with cold. i slide to the edge of the container and jump down, running back to where wooyoung and lucas lay. i check the duffelbag wooyoung carried, digging in through his clothes and finding a massive shotgun lying underneath. i freeze at the sight of it, knowing that if hongjoong gets hold of it, which is likely to happen with san like that, he'd die.

"here," a voice croaks. i jump as lucas moves, slowly reaching into his jacket to hand me a smaller gun. it looks like the gun i stole from san.

hes bleeding from somewhere on his chest, but i cant see where. hes not gone yet. he looks like hes still holding on. i take the gun from him. i look at wooyoung quickly, hoping he'd move too.

the side of his head is gone.

the sight of wooyoung makes me dart for san.

when i get back to them, hongjoong is wrestling san on the floor. he has san's head in his grip and hes using it to slam his skull onto the ground. san is completely dazed. hes fucking out of it. i lift the gun and aim, but nothing happens.

there are bullets in. fuck, lucas wouldnt give it to me if it was empty, right?

"the safety's on, sweetheart," hongjoong appears infront of me with a smile. he takes the gun from me and takes off the safety, then points it at my head.

im done.

i close my eyes, waiting for it to come. but im slammed into the container, tangled in other limbs. san and hongjoong are sprawled infront of me, and the gun slides off to the side. i crawl past them to get it, but my hair is grabbed and im yanked back.

hongjoong bites into my cheek and i scream as i feel blood trickle down my top. hes fucking biting me! is he a dog! he wont let go of me. before i know it, a shot goes off and knocks my hearing out, and i feel hongjoong's jaw slacken on my face.

he slides down ontop of me, and i see san standing above us, having shot hongjoong point blank.

san kicks him off of me and picks me up and i feel my face sting. he fucking bit me. tears run down my cheeks and burn the bite even more. san looks at me, his entire face fucked up and head stained with blood, putting my arm over his shoulder as we walk away from hongjoong's body.

the vibration of a ship's horn echoes through my chest and i hear metal groaning in the distance. we walk out from behind the containers and see its shape on the horizon.

***

san

"lucas is still alive," yaera tells me. i can barely hear her.

wooyoung.

we limp towards them, and lucas sits up, holding his chest. somehow, hes not dead. but his hands are covered in blood.

yaera drops down next to him, taking off my hoodie and pressing it against his wound. he lets out a gutteral cry.

i drop down next to wooyoung, who hasnt moved at all.

an entire lake of blood lay next to his head. only one of his eyes are still left, closed serenely, looking like he was just having a really good nap. i pull him up and hold him, feeling his warmth seep into my clothes. its dripping down my skin.

"wooyoung..." i squeeze him tightly, feeling my eyes burn. "wooyoung...the boat's here."

lucas groans, snapping me out of everything. he lifts his head from yaera's chest. "go...get on the...boat," he says with difficulty.

"what about you?" yaera asks tearfully. her flesh is hanging off her face.

"just go, i'll be right...behind you guys," lucas grits out.

i lay wooyoung back down and get up. yaera tries to help lucas stand up, but hes tall and heavy, so i help her. the three of us limb toward the ship to hong kong. our heads are empty. we dont argue. we dont even speak. we just move.

the sun has started to rise.

goodbye wooyoung.

***

next chapter

a/n: chat, how are we feeling?

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Love the new chapter ❤️

thank you love 😼💋