yearning for the rain

as if it was never there.

[yearningfortherain]

i am long-winded. i sit on this throne of trash and bleakness, hunched over from murdering my spine all those years, thinking i wouldn't live to see the consequences. mundanity of things overwhelms me and bores me. i crave something else. never grew out of this phase, of saying: 'anywhere but here', 'anything but this'. i wish could lay on a meadow, listen to insects buzz, to the wind and leaves, and feel at peace. all in all, i am a martyr for nothing special.

[yearningfortherain]

you know, you have to spit it out. all this bile, this venom. i have not; at some point, i held it in, and never ate, and never slept - and it stayed. now - that's what wakes me up every day, kisses my loved ones, laughs with my friends, falls asleep with me at the end of the day. it is as much a part of me as every other emotion, memory and feeling. it doesn't kill, doesn't make me hurt all the time, doesn't leave me helpless, not anymore - it tells me to be cool, calm and collected, but to never lower my guard. to question all that's inside. have i fallen out of love? am i ever gonna be a functional human being? are my feelings just like other people's? have i pulled a muscle, or broken my heart? and it never stops, and it probably never will. the sickness can be managed, but never cured, and i do manage it alright - just a day or two of being overcame with venom can be survived. i read, do my work, write and paint and i am happy. i just wish everyone else knew - before it gets too late. before it swallows you whole.

[yearningfortherain]

it's so easy

to think that you are hated

to imagine every single person

in your life looking at you

with disdain in their eyes

so romanticized

to lay in bed and look at the wall

and cry

healing is hard.

convincing yourself

you're confident and beautiful

and that the friends you've made

aren't just here to laugh at every mistake

that nobody sees your flaws

or they don't care that much

it's hard.

but i am here, looking right at you

eating sunflower seeds, at rest

before i have to live again

thinking about all these projects

and words that just can't wait

to crawl out from my heart

and that it was a failure after failure

until i learned that

i could truly enjoy this life

and that, simply,

it is worth it to just try.

[yearningfortherain]

the uncertainty of love never leaves

summoned by the most mundane things

- don't think about it too hard

they will hold you in their hands when you shatter

and piece by piece

you will get yourself together and

every time it happens you will overcome and

then go back again and-

the uncertainty of love never leaves.

[yearningfortherain]

it's forever gone

another day you will

sooner or later

forget

your mind is looking for anything

old words and thoughts

plans for the next few days

voices from behind the wall

sounds of breathing

and dull pains from a bruised leg

just anything

to fill this hollow space

which they left

[yearningfortherain]

they are watching us

reminiscent of late animal gods

their bloodied eyes filled with holy power

leave humanity inadequate

i dream about their bones sometimes

mighty, steel constructions and constelations of form

unattainable and further away with every day

and i think about the sound my hands make:

crack. crack. crack. crack. crack...

[yearningfortherain]

in this silent place the oppressive sun sets high

-and you wish you could lie down in the smooth, heavy warmth

discard all the words that choke you up and hide away-

but the stagnant world won't listen to the cries and pleas of small.

forever facing the same way we are together in this, you and me

conjoined in solitude all the living things listen to us ache

it could just as well be the end of the world but it ain't

and all that's left for us is to yearn for the rain