One Thing - Psalm 27:4

I love Jesus and I love teaching! And I'm praying that one day I'll see a deep transformation in this beloved nation of mine. :) This is my private corner. My streams of consciousness in letters, words and paragraphs...where I vent, worship, pray and...

[operationblessing]

#wednesdaywisdom #quote via Instagram http://ift.tt/2gfnihN

[yen274]

I still dream...

I still dream of changing the public school system. Maybe one day I can still walk out that dream by training young teacher graduates and teaching in a university that trains teachers.

Someday, most of the public school teachers teaching in our schools will be teaching because they're passionate about teaching and want to SERVE the Philippines.

It only takes one child, one student at a time to change a nation. #ihaveadream

[yen274]

Wake up call

Last week, I went to the beach with my grade 11s and their parents for a school activity.  Of course like any school activity, there were lots of photos taken and posted on Facebook.  I was exhausted after a day of sun and games but what caught me or rather, woke me up was seeing a photo of myself looking very fat, bloated and sluggish.  

It was good to see a full body picture of me.  I realized then that the five months of teaching senior high and the stress that comes with adjusting to the new level and environment took a toll on me by gaining weight and really lots of pounds to be exact.  I am so fat now.  

Last year because of the physical activity of teaching grade 2 students in a public school, I lost a lot of pounds but now that I am in a more comfortable environment with an airconditioned office and more comfortable classrooms and teaching older children that does NOT involve a lot of running, I gained a LOT of pounds due to the stress and eating to make up for the lack of sleep.

Since my classes are more content-based rather than skills-based, I have to read and do more research about it which explains the lack of sleep.  But as a friend of mine pointed out, we compensate our lack of sleep by eating more.  I also think that there is a chemical reaction in our bodies that makes us hungrier when we lack sleep.

Furthermore, one other thing led me to start exercising again.  I got sick the night of our reunion.  I woke up feeling very tired and woke up the next day sick with colds and cough.  I got alarmed.  It’s understandable to feel sick on class days but with a break, come on?  I realized that I’m short on physical activity these days preferring to read for classes instead of going out for a short walk or jog.  

Last night, I started to do some stretching exercises and a dance exercise just to start moving.  Lo and behold! I was very surprised to wake up feeling very good.  I mean I usually wake up with my body sore and feeling very tired.  I’ve never felt this good in months.  That realization proved my point that there is indeed a connection to my constant “being sick” and my lack of physical activity.

So I want to start this series of posts just to monitor my physical activity and my weight loss journey with the hope that I will lose weight and go back to how I looked like 5-6 years ago with a fewer pounds and a fitter me.  

SO HELP ME, JESUS. 

[yen274]

Mistakes are learning opps

I made a mistake this week. One that inconvenienced one or two people, one a friend of mine.  They did not say any word of rebuke but man, did the Holy Spirit convict me big time.  

I texted Mme. ___ - my immediate boss - to say sorry and to thank her for being so patient and merciful at my first-time experience at the Waterloo I was experiencing .  

Shame got the better of me for one day until God reminded me that He was teaching me humility.  I am learning that one can only be humble if one gets the following lessons:

1.  I’m not perfect therefore I am bound to commit mistakes.

2.  Not asking for help is a sign of pride and not “ikog” or shyness for lack of a better word in English.

3.  Mistakes are often opportunities for us to learn something valuable and important and to eat humble pie as well.

4.  To retreat in shame when one falls is also a sign of pride.  When we stand  up after we fall, we are saying that we want to learn and we are open to   correction.  

5.  I am learning to ask God every SINGLE day, “Lord, grant me a willing,        humble and teachable heart to learn Your ways.”  Humility is a mark of       Christ’s kingdom.  Jesus was the most powerful man and God in the           whole universe but He was also the meekest and most humble being who       ever walked the Earth.  I want to be both meek and humble.  Maybe that’s     the reason God assigned me to Grade 11 Meekness this year.  So that I’d     learn to be meek like Him.

I thank God for bosses and work friends who know what mercy is and who show mercy as they have received mercy as well.  But I pray that this week would be a learning experience for me and I’ll get the whole lesson next quarter all over again.  

Thank you, Jesus, for your unending mercy, kindness, grace and goodness in my life.  And thank God - again - for bosses and friends at work who show me what Christ’s love is. :))

[yen274]

Goodbye Twitter and FB

I’m probably the biggest paradox.  I’m a private people person.  An introvert extrovert if there’s a term like it.

I like getting to know people and talking to them but I also like to work by myself AT TIMES, prefer to be alone to regroup after a day filled with people.  

I deactivated my Facebook just a few minutes ago because the crowd kept getting bigger.  I had to adjust my settings since not everyone on FB should be privy to one’s personal life.  Well that’s just my opinion.

I said goodbye to Twitter because I enjoyed it too much and found myself spending a lot of time on the said social media platform.  Hmm...I’ll probably log in back after I finish all my papers and requirements. 

But this site will be remain as this has been my go to place when I am stressed (LIKE I AM THIS WEEK), ecstatic and sad.  Through it all this site has seen all 3 emotions on all my posts.

[yen274]

A Me divided

Our house was divided in the last May elections.  My dad and I voted for MDS while my mom and my brother, Jim, voted for Duterte.  My sister who’s based in Canada, rooted for Duterte online.  

I knew Duterte wanted to have Marcos buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani and MDS had Bongbong Marcos as a running mate.  I was torn to be honest.  I chose the latter instead because a part of me still hesitated to vote for Duterte.  I was divided at that time.  I am still divided today.

Divided in the sense that a part of me is happy that the government is wielding its strong hand over the injustices, corruption and crime that seems to have taken residence in the upper echelons of government.  They seem to be “house cleaning” but my questions are:

1. To what extent will we allow this to happen?  

2.  When will we draw a line to all these extrajudicial killings?

3.  Why are the people who call out these killings seen to be “against” government when they are not?  They’re simply against the extrajudicial killings.

On the other hand, a part of me thinks about the relatives of the victims of crime and how many of them must have cheered when that neighborhood addict who raped a relative, stole from them, killed a friend or family member was gunned down.  How do you explain justice to a victim of crime who’s still seeking justice as well?  Questions that I have no answers.

But tonight I just have to write all these thoughts in spite of all the deadlines.  My personal business takes over my social consciousness and honestly the deadlines and requirements somehow numb me to all these social realities except when I’m online and all these tweets or Facebook posts show me the rising body count.

Every day I ask myself “Is this right?  Is this the right thing to do in the name of change and progress?”

I have no answers except prayer.

[yen274]

Teaching is relationship

I talk to my students when they “engage” me.  I enjoy talking to young people if they come up to me first and really talk - like the kind that’s really a two-way exchange, a series of getting-to-know-yous.  I like conversations that go beyond the superficial hi and hello.  

Sometimes, I go up to them and ASK.  Ask hard questions sometimes.  Things I’m sometimes scared to ask but I’m curious enough to really ask.

It’s a learning experience and as Brene Brown puts it, it makes one vulnerable. 

I remember one student telling me “Miss, I think you’re the type of teacher who wants to get close to the students.”  It got me thinking hard.  Why?

I suddenly remembered all the times I spent at Sir Salazar’s place with my org mates with dinners and sleepovers and just talking. Talking about life, History, Pantayong Pananaw (his theory), my future dreams and even got to talking about love life at times.  I remember him asking me what my plans were in the future.  

I was transported back to those times I had lunch at Dr. Churchill’s place with my classmates after a lecture at her beautiful home and we’d just get around to talking.  

A student never really forgets being mentored and guided.  I am among the few who had generous and kind professors who mentored, talked to us, treated us to either lunch, dinner or coffee and just got to know us and what we thought about History (my major).  What stuck with me was not the knowledge I learned from the books or journal articles I read but the conversations I have had with my professors in the university.

I remember two Sundays ago the guy in front of me exclaimed how I got most of the answers to a practice test (during a LET review) right and I too marveled at that.  It’s been 16 years since I graduated from college but I still remember the lessons and the lectures.  They’re still as fresh as they were back then and I’d look at my profs with wide-eyed wonder, absorbing every word they said.

I now know why the lessons in my History classes stuck. I was not only a student going through the motions of my classes. I was mentored. They were not just my teachers. I looked up to them and considered them as role models and mentors.  They took the time to tell me when I did wrong, when I lost my focus, and when I needed to shape up after my grades went down because I was head over heels in love back then. Hah!

And yes, they were one of the reasons why I decided to teach instead of going to Law School right after graduation.

Here’s to my professors who taught me how to love History through their lives.

[yen274]

To love and to be brokenhearted is something but to forgive and love wholeheartedly again is a different thing altogether. There's beauty in taking risks and loving again like you've never been hurt before. :)

Me! :) (Y. Cano)

[yen274]

Mourning into Joy

It’s August 06 tomorrow and I remember exactly two years ago I had coffee with a man I was once in love with.  Someone I thought was the ideal one for me.  He was a writer, a man who was eloquent, a songwriter, a good singer, a poet and a preacher.  He certainly made all the checks in my boxes save for the fact that he did not graduate from UP but that didn’t really matter to my infatuated younger self.  I was head over heels in love as my sister and a good friend called me.

Fast forward to today.  I no longer feel a twinge of pain whenever I think of him.  Nor am I wishing to relive everything all over again.  This, they say, is the joy of moving on.  Two years ago I would not have imagined this day would come.  I was so into the situation that all I saw was that I was both in love but at the same time found it hard to forgive him for a small mistake in the past.  

I was hard on myself and I was hard on others (especially him) as well.  Little did I understand back then that love and forgiveness were always intertwined.  Like a horse and carriage to paraphrase Frank Sinatra’s song.  Love cannot exist without forgiveness.

I still remember him especially during days like this when I remember how five to six hours spent talking with him and just getting to know him seemed so short and “bitin”.  Today the memory makes me smile instead of bringing tears to my eyes.

It was a holiday back then in the middle of a week.  We had coffee and we had lunch.  Still, I found the time together was too short.  Maybe infatuation does that to you.  Hah! I would not call it love.  

We now have taken different roads.  This is the first time I have written about it without anger (towards myself and towards him), regret and hurt.  

Finally, I have made peace with myself, my choices and with him.  Finally, I have moved on and it has made my life so much better.  

I now can see that there are better choices and options out there instead of just seeing him alone.  I have finally seen the light and it has made me a lot happier. :)

[yen274]

Disturbing

Tonight was uncomfortable and disturbing that I just had to write.  After dinner, my mom and I went to a 7-11 and passed by a family of 5 lying on the sidewalk.  A baby, two toddlers and the parents were sprawled across a carton, the mom’s hand extending towards us as we walked by her.  I turned my head to avoid feeling guilty.  I just had a very full meal.

I didn’t know my mom was planning to buy siopao for these street sleepers (as I call them).  We went out of 7-11 bringing individual plastic bags of siopao for them.  It seems rather questionable that I felt uncomfortable and a bit ashamed to be giving away food.  That is what’s disturbing to me:  why are we ashamed or uncomfortable of doing random acts of kindness?  Well at least for me.  Isn’t it that acts of kindness should be our “normal” way since we are children of God?  

The next reason for feeling discomfort was that the whole scene was surreal, heartbreaking and sobering for me.  This afternoon I scoured the Fuente area for a lipstick that I was looking for since last week but could not find in any of the malls here in Cebu. Yes, lipstick! The perfect texture, shade and brand (not really expensive).  I was concerned about finding the perfect lipstick while the family of 4 on the sidewalk was concerned about survival, finding food and trying to meet ends day by day.  

It hit me hard.  I didn’t like the contrasting picture it made.  Sakit. Painful.

I went home with a heavy heart.  Sobered up and remembering my Rizal classes and my students’ final exam in which I required only one thing:  go out and do something kind to people who cannot pay you back.  Because changing the world is not just about reading up on the latest theory, writing the perfect essay but it’s also about going out into the streets and touching a life, making a difference in one person’s life.

Sigh.  I pray for a miracle for that family and the other people sleeping in the streets tonight.  I felt like my heart was torn (murag gikumot akong dughan).

[yen274]

Dear FB & Twitter, please don't take my privacy away...

Image from Mathbabesfiles at Wordpress

In this age of Facebook, Instagram, Foursquare, Twitter and Tumblr, it’s so easy and fast to access information, learn about someone and what he or she likes to do and know what they are doing in real time. 

It’s easy.  Convenient.  And yes, scary at the same time.  It’s like the P word or Privacy has become a thing of the past.

Could it be that as the layers and length of clothing thin out and go from long to short from generation to generation, the amount of privacy has also gone down? 

Whereas clothing in the last century was all about covering up, today’s clothing is all about revealing your assets.  Not unlike the logic and idea behind social networking don’t you think?

There used to be barriers {and I mean the good protective barriers} in the past. 

It was not this easy to access the private thoughts of individuals, much less celebrities.  But now with a tweet or two, one can now read the streams of consciousness of their favorite artists, politicians or even a crush.  That easy.

Easy and scary - at the same time - for me.  A sucker for privacy.

There are days when it makes me ask if social networks have supposedly killed what we call mystery.  One can easily for search or type in a name in the Google search box and click on a website that gives you information about a particular person. 

Yup, I know that as I have tried doing that countless of times.  “Researching for info” is what I call it.  The paranoid person that I am I even tried typing in my name to check if a lot of websites actually “revealed” me.  Thank God they did not.  No incriminating websites. Hahaha!

Since we cannot run or hide from this digital onslaught, I believe that the Bible was right when it wrote that discretion is a must for young women {and the not so young} in their actions and words.

The ladies were also advised to exercise propriety in dressing up.  Maybe if the Apostle Paul and King Solomon were writing in the age of Facebooking and Tweeting, I think they would have also given these same guidelines when writing or posting in the internet - wisdom, discretion and propriety.:)

Now this is a sober warning for me to think twice before I post, write or tweet about something or someone not only for the sake of privacy but because that’s what the Word of God tells me so. ;)

[yen274]

Cognitive Dissonance

I have a confession to make.  I still feel guilty whenever I feel happy in my classes here in PCGS.  I am still haunted by the specter of comparisons (to borrow Benedict Anderson’s book title) of teaching in a private school and a public school.

It’s the first time - since school started - that I got sick.  And being the overthinker that I am, I cannot help but remember last year and how I got sick the first week until probably the end of the first semester.  I was often sick because of the stress and because I did not want to go to my class. :(

Contrast it with today.  I no longer get sick during weekends and I look forward to Mondays.  It makes me feel guilty (TBH).  

I shared this with my advisory section, the ABM class, that it was in CDO that I experienced Cognitive Dissonance.  It’s either I continue what I think or I change my actions to fit my frame of mind.

Ever since I taught several sections in college who could not write, I’ve always wanted to teach in the public school because I wanted to help improve the public school system.  So that we’d have more graduates who could write and speak and really write and speak better.  

It wasn’t as easy as I thought I would be plus I learned something not so nice about myself.  I wanted to change the world but I did not want to give up my little comforts, my privileges. 

That realization alone haunts me.  Maybe that’s why I can’t be totally 100% happy whenever I find myself enjoying my classes and the company of my students in PCGS.  I somehow “castigate” myself for loving them this early unlike my class last year in the public school where it took me 6 months to love them and it was only because I made a decision to love them.  It was not a subconscious or easy choice but something conscious and very hard to do.

Oh well, writing this off to get this off my chest.  I am hoping that when I talk to my students next week or find myself enjoying my classes, the guilt won’t bother me anymore.  I think there are just things that one just has to accept in one’s self.

[yen274]

Rough-and-tumble week

Thank God the storm has passed.  It was a rough-and-tumble week but I survived.  Thank God for grace.  I had to keep putting my game face on every time I entered the classroom but in the end it was the sight of the students’ faces that always managed to cheer me up.

As I told pastor A., when I’m exhausted and my mood is not in the best of bests, the moment I enter the classroom and I see my students, the heavy cloud lifts up and the joy and the “why” I teach always manage to restore my strength.

Yesterday, I entered the Gr. 7 Hope classroom and the class was abuzz, wanting me to check out something behind the projector screen.  I was scared it might be a cockroach but when I pulled up the screen, a drawing was waiting for me with the words, “Miss Yen loves Gr. 7 Hope” plus another drawing from Amos.  I teased the class if they wanted a star that day to which they all said a resounding “yes”.  

I didn’t show it but I was touched.  God has a way of “scheduling” things like that on days when you don’t really feel like going to the classroom, when you just want to hole up in the faculty room to finish all the backlog tasks and checking papers.  

I’m hoping that by the next semester, I’ll only have one SHS subject so I’ll have more time to prepare, check papers, focus on the admin tasks for workshops and Senior High School.  But for now, I will savor this precious time that I have with my ABM & STEM classes and my 7th graders.  I now know that a year flies so fast and while I’m still teaching, I will try to make as many precious moments as I can. 

Had I known that I’d be this happy teaching in PCGS, I wouldn’t have left at all and applied to be a public school teacher.  But in retrospect, I know now that one of the reasons I went to CDO was to move on and forget.  I really did and that one fact is enough to make me grateful for that experience though it was the hardest teaching experience. 

[yen274]

The ebb and flow of life

Someone once asked me if I write.  I told him I only write on two occasions:  when I’m happy and when I’m sad.  Yes, I know it can be quite extreme.

Tonight, I write because I met a challenge this week which actually just started last week.  A challenge I know God allowed because He wants to break something in me.  To teach me humility and to trust Him with everything, every piece of my life especially with work (something which I hold very dear).

And the only thing that keeps running through my head is an image of a rough sea and I’m all alone in the boat trying to steer my boat through the waters and trying to keep the little boat afloat.  

But then God reminded me that I’m not alone in the big, dark, wide ocean out there.  He is my Captain and He has sent me friends whom I can always text, talk to and ask for prayer.  

It’s amazing how prayer works so fast just like an antidote to a venom, I’d say.  I sent a dear friend a PM tonight asking for prayer and right after she said she’d pray, I felt strength and an assurance of God’s sovereignty over my heart.  Today, I was given the privilege of having lunch with two friends from work in one of the offices in school.  It’s good to have a haven where we can hie off when we need peace, a listening ear and words of faith and trust in the One who holds it all.  To top it off, God used a dear good friend of mine from TFP who sent an SMS out of the blue.  Thank you, R! It was so timely.  

For a control freak like me, it can be quite a challenge to turn over the reins to God and trust Him for the unknown.  

Thank You, Jesus!  You are indeed the Prince of Peace.  Thanks for speaking my love language. 

[yen274]

When the rough seas threaten to assail the able sailor, it's good to know that one is sailing with a team and a Captain who's more than able to navigate through the turbulent waters.

YenC.

[yen274]

Rereading our Summer Institute readings to improve and 'inform' my teaching. I'm going to do everything that I can to make this work and trust God on His end.

[yen274]

We had so much fun playing a relay game today during PE time since we didn't go outdoors for some reason. Kept laughing looking at the kids having so much fun. They enjoyed it so much that our cleaning lady could not help herself but join in the relay game. #preciousmoments Times like these make me forget the stress & burden of teaching in a public school. #goodday today