Friends, Lovers... and Polyamory
Matt and I have been best friends since junior high. We had practically everything in common with each other to the point where we could finish each other's sentences and yet, although classmates often asked why we weren't an item, we didn't see each other in that way. I don't think it ever was a passing thought, at least not to me.
During college Matt and I each had our long-term relationships with people we'd met from school. And despite being in relationships that grew to be serious we remained close friends, even when our significant others weren't always so enthused by how close we were. We always maintained a level of respect and space for one another it really wasn't a problem after our significant others met us, and we were all on the same page. There were never boundaries crossed or any indication to either of significant others that we had any intention of dating.
After college, my relationship went south, as my ex moved away for graduate school and ultimately couldn't take the distance. It had taken some time for me to grow to love him, but when I did, I was committed for life. The breakup was disappointing, knowing that he could not stay strong enough to maintain a relationship that definitely would have led to marriage, given that we'd already discussed it and had spent half a decade with each other. I thought I knew my boyfriend well, but it became apparent to him that not having me physically around caused his eyes and heart to wander.
Matt went on to grad school at the same undergrad we graduated from and although I had moved a couple hours to the university I was now at for graduate school, upon hearing the news of my heartbreak, he dropped everything and drove out to see me. It was a sweet gesture, opening the door after days holing myself inside in my pajamas, with puffy, swollen eyes and a box of Kleenex--and seeing him with a bouquet of tulips, Thai take out food and Scrabble board. He always managed to make me smile, no matter how bad I was feeling.
Two years later I was still single. My school did not have a very good view of anything so I rode out my time and hoped the real world upon graduating would be better. It wasn't. I joined dating sites, went on dates, it was all an epic fail, in the funniest way possible. So much that my friends said I should write a book and continue going on dates so that I would have fodder for my book. But it was too much, so after a year of bad dates, I gave up altogether.
A year later Matt's relationship ended just shy of eight years. I was the first one at his side at the bar buying him shots. It wasn't meant to be we said but who were we kidding? Only shmucks say that shit. We're not the kind of people who leave things up to chance and yet we were somehow at the whim of destiny and all that hokey pokey shit when it came to dating. It was frustrating I said, taking another shot of patron. "Why don't we just fuck and call it a day?"
Turning in his stool to face me he said, "Why not? We're not ugly. At least that's what my mom says." I don't know if it was lowered inhibitions but that night Matt and I made out and what happens from there is history. We were both attracted to each other but because we were raised to only be with only one person, we each had someone else in mind to settle down with. But if it came down to being able to have more than one partner, he and I were perfect for each other. And so that was when we decided to be polyamorous. We made an agreement that we would put each other first and on its face, would project ourselves to our vanilla friends as an exclusive, monogamous couple. In reality, we had our own relationships. Over the years some have failed and others remained but one thing was certain for each of us: it was the peace of mind knowing we had each other, no matter what, which is not something I could ever guarantee from being in a relationship with one man.
For a time we thought there weren't that many people like us. We didn't even know we had a polyamory relationship until recently. Up until then we really didn't give it a title, nor were we interested in finding out what its title was. What we have is not necessarily open, and we weren't swinging. We each wanted committed relationships, with the same responsibilities expected of from a person in a regular relationship.
Then a friend of ours told us about www.BeyondTwo.com, a new, free polyamory dating site. We saw hundreds of couples and singles with the same relationship dynamic we had, and it felt good knowing that we weren't such a minority. I haven't met anyone off the site yet, but have skimmed profiles and seen that poly people are all over the world! Definitely a site to check out--you never know who you might find ;)