Summary: Jessie makes up for a missed moment with a beautiful evening. When the night takes an unexpected turn, she admits just enough to break your heart, and not enough to choose you.
Warnings: Angst. Language.
A/N: Rest of the series is here.
“Um. Did I miss the memo?” You asked as you got in Jessie's car and closed the door with a mildly scrutinizing look.
“What?” She asked, the confusion plain on her face.
“Do I need to go get changed? You’re dressed up. Where are we going?” You explained.
Jessie looked down at herself. She wore a long sleeved button-up dress shirt with black pants and her hair was neatly styled, her waves controlled and in check.
“Oh. No, it’s just, you know - a celebration, so I didn’t want to look like I just rolled out of bed,” she explained with a frown and a tinge of pink appearing on her cheeks. She redirected her attention.
“And no, you definitely don’t need to change. You look great,” she said simply.
“Are you sure?” You asked in lingering disbelief. You weren’t dressed super casual, but you would’ve worn something different if you’d known it was something more formal. “You haven’t told me yet where we’re going for dinner. You’re not setting me up to get turned away at the front because of a dress code are you?” You half-joked.
“You won’t. You look good. Don’t worry,” she repeated reassuringly as she gave you a steady look.
You exhaled. “Okay,” you relented. “This is all very mysterious,” you facetiously complained as you buckled your seatbelt and she began to drive. She chuckled.
“I wasn’t trying to be mysterious. I just wanted to take care of the logistics. You’ve had a busy couple of weeks,” she went on. “Which. Again. I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there for your party last week. I would’ve been there if I could - but it was a playoff game and-”
“Jess,” you cut her off calmly. “It’s totally fine. It was just celebratory drinks. Nothing major. And I would never ask you to skip an important game. Or any game. Especially for something like that.”
“No,” she countered with equal measure. “It is a big deal. You’ve worked really hard for this promotion. And it’s important to celebrate that.” A beat passed and she kept her eyes trained on the road. “And you.”
You gave in some as you studied her profile for a prolonged second. You faced forward towards the traffic ahead.
“Thank you. I know you would’ve been there if you were available. It’s okay that you weren’t. Truly. And hey, now you’re taking me out for dinner - so that’s even more of a to-do than the original thing.”
She waved her hand in dismissal.
“It’s not a big deal,” she maintained. “I mean - your promotion is. But this isn’t. Least I could do.”
You had to stop yourself from audibly sighing. Instead, you said, “Well, thank you. Dinner is nice.”
You chatted and caught up on your way across town until you were parked. Jessie led the way as you walked.
“Wait,” you said, talking over her as you caught sight of a particular restaurant as it came into view. “Where did you get reservations for?”
You glanced over at her and she was biting back what looked to be a very pleased smile.
“You mentioned you wanted to try it out,” she said simply, an almost imperceptible bounce in her step as she continued to look ahead.
“Uh, and it takes like a month at least to get in,” you said in a flat, borderline accusatory tone as you leaned in to stare hard at her. She blissfully ignored you.
“Well. There’s a reason we’re going at 5,” she chuckled. “There’s not a lot available at a later time.”
“Still,” you said. She shrugged.
“I was checking for cancellations. Luckily something came up,” she explained nonchalantly.
“Well, thank you. Again. Geez. You didn’t have to plan anything like this. I would’ve been fine just going wherever,” you said.
She finally looked at you with an almost dubious arch of her eyebrow.
“Stop. I was happy to do it,” she insisted.
She moved a few paces in front of you and opened the restaurant door, stepping aside and holding it.
She returned to your side and approached the host.
“Hi there. Do you have a reservation with us today?” The host asked.
“Yes. Under Fleming for two,” she answered as she placed her hands in her pockets.
As the host checked, it gave you a chance to properly - and discretely - take a look at Jessie. She looked good. And different. You weren’t imagining it - she was dressed up. You’d never seen that shirt or the pants, and the shoes only once when she had to attend an award event.
She cleaned up very nicely.
You immediately and inaudibly cleared your throat as soon as the thought entered your mind.
“-okay, right this way,” the host announced as he picked up menus.
As you were seated, you looked around. You couldn’t help but become suddenly aware of how intimate the restaurant felt. It was trendy in that fashionably low-lit way with tables that made you feel very close to whoever you sat across from.
Jessie handed you the drink menu.
“Do you want to share a bottle? They have halves, too,” she asked. “Or if you want a cocktail, go ahead. Whatever you like.”
You busied yourself by looking at the various wine options and tried not to think too much on the offer.
“Um. Sure, yeah,” you answered as you tried to focus. “Wine sounds nice.”
Over the course of dinner, you ordered and shared appetizers. Stole bites of food off each other’s mains. Decided to split dessert since you were both stuffed but thought the panna cotta sounded delicious.
You talked. You laughed. You lingered.
It was easy being with her like this. So easy you could forget everything surrounding you two; ignore the nature of the undercurrent. It felt so natural to share this evening together and you couldn’t help but smile.
It felt…it felt like a date.
Wishful thinking rearing its ugly head again.
You sighed inwardly as the bill arrived and the glimmer and glow of the dinner began to fade.
Friends shared wine. Friends shared food. They laughed and smiled over dinner as they caught up. They talked. They bantered.
But so did dates.
You clenched your jaw and had to remind yourself to relax.
“Ready?” Jessie asked as she put her wallet away. You smiled and rose from the table.
“You didn’t have to pay,” you said as you walked out together.
“I wanted to.”
“Well. I’ll get you back. Whenever playoffs wrap, dinner’s on me,” you returned with a teasing smile. She shot you a facetiously withering glare.
“This isn’t a quid pro quo. I missed your event. And I hated missing it. So, just let me take you out for a nice dinner; celebrate you,” she said in such a plain, decisive way that it threw you off kilter.
She gave you the faintest smirk. Cheeky, even. “A simple ‘thank you’ would suffice.”
Your jaw dropped a touch and she tossed her head back with a laugh. You reached out and shoved her playfully, a grin drawing across your face.
“You’re awfully pleased with yourself, aren’t you,” you laughed and she beamed at you in return. You gave a gentle shake of your head. “And ‘thank you’.”
“See?” She asked with a complacent smirk. “Not so difficult.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Well, thanks for being a good sport about it,” Jessie went on, her teasing fading away. “I know you dont like people making a fuss over you. But, yeah, you deserve to be,” her words slowed as she waved a hand aimlessly in the air as she thought, “yeah. Celebrated.”
“Thanks Jess,” you said, warmth settling deeper in your chest.
A moment passed, Jessie tucking her hands into her pockets again after brushing her hair behind her ears. She rocked up onto the balls of her feet, eyes focused across the street before shifting back to you.
“Do you have to go home?” She asked.
“No,” you said with a near laugh. The corners of her eyes creased with a smile.
“Can I interest you in a post-dinner coffee?” She asked.
You returned her smile before giving a single nod. “Sure. If you insist,” you said, with a rogue lilt in your voice.
The corner of her mouth turned up. “I do.”
You two began a leisurely walk towards a coffee shop a few blocks over. You chatted easily. Conversation flowing the way it often did with you.
You blatantly tried to ignore how her shoulder bumped against yours now and then. And surely it was in your head that her eyes lingered on you when she thought you weren’t looking.
“Y/N!”
A frown fell upon your face as your attention was drawn ahead. You squinted faintly upon seeing someone approaching with a wave.
“Oh, my gosh, hi,” you greeted with a laugh as you recognized your coworker.
“Fancy seeing you outside of our natural habitat,” she joked as she came to a stop in front of you. “I was just at Tonto,” she said as she held up the coffee in her hand.
“Oh, funny, that’s where we’re headed,” you returned as you looked to Jessie who’d stepped a bit away to make room for your colleague. You felt a faint tension mounting in your chest. “Jess, this is Lena. Lena, this is Jessie.”
Lena held out her free hand. “Hey, nice to meet you. Y/N and I work together,” she gave you a teasing glance. “She makes our monthly progress meetings about as bearable as they can be.”
You hated to admit that you watched more intently than you should’ve as Jessie held Lena’s gaze and shook her hand with a small smile.
“Nice to meet you.”
“I highly recommend the honey oat latte,” Lena continued, returning her attention to you and holding up her beverage once more. “And don’t worry - they use the ‘good’ oat milk here,” she laughed.
“Thank God for small mercies,” you deadpanned good-naturedly.
“Well, I won’t keep you two, but I’ve gotta ask since I didn’t catch you earlier. What’d you think of Leroy in that meeting this morning?”
You cracked a smirk and rolled your eyes. “He loves to hear himself talk.” You weren’t going to say more, but Lena waited you out expectantly, a knowing glint in her eye. You chuckled. “I think he could benefit from…expanding his sources on the topic.”
“Right? What’s the point of having a committee if you don’t lean on them,” she returned.
“A carefully curated committee,” you couldn’t help but slyly remark.
Lena grinned. “I can always trust your observations.”
You chuckled but gave a humble, brief eyeroll and looked to Jessie who was still quietly listening. You were about to say a goodbye when Lena spoke again.
“Last week’s party was a lot of fun,” she said. “We should grab a drink together soon after work. Maybe after the development workshop on Wednesday? There’s this great place on 6th we could check out.”
Your eyes nearly flicked over to Jessie, but you held your gaze steady and offered a small smile. “Yeah, maybe,” you said lightly, but made an apologetic face anyway. “Those things tend to drain me, but let’s chat next week.”
“Sure,” she said with another easy smile. “Have a good night,” she said warmly before turning to Jessie. “Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, nice to meet you, too,” Jessie said with a quick smile.
“Hey, if you try that honey oat latte, let me know what you think,” Lena called over her shoulder with a wave as she left.
“Kay. See ya,” you said. A breath subtly left your lungs as she departed down the street and it was just you and Jessie again.
“Sorry about that,” you offered a beat later with a faint laugh as you faced Jessie. She smiled politely.
“No problem,” she said with a shrug. “She’s nice.”
“Yeah, she is,” you said, trying to rid any hint of discomfort in your voice. You began to usher the two of you back toward the coffee shop, feeling like standing still was increasingly unbearable.
Jessie stepped forward again and grabbed the door for you. A small wave of relief went through you. You smiled at her in thanks.
Yet, conversation grew quiet.
“What are you going to get?” you eventually asked her.
“Americano,” she replied. A moment passed. “Are you going to try the honey oat latte?”
You glanced at the menu. “Maybe. It does sound good.”
“You should,” Jessie said, a little too brightly. Your eyes narrowed slightly, but you let it pass.
The line moved forward.
“She seems nice,” Jessie repeated.
“Lena?” You asked.
Jessie nodded. “Yeah. It’s good, having someone around who understands your work stuff, your life. The rhythms of it.”
A frown pulled at your face. “Sure. She’s a good work friend.”
Jessie shrugged, gaze fixed ahead. “She asked you for drinks.”
“People get drinks with coworkers.”
“I know,” she said quickly. “I’m just saying.”
Tension tightened in your chest. “I’m not particularly interested.”
Jessie’s jaw shifted, almost too small to notice. You wanted her to drop this, but she seemed determine to carry on.
“Why not?” she asked, too casual. “She’s cute.”
Your head snapped towards her and she met your gaze for a prolonged second, her expression unreadable, before turning away as the line moved again.
“I-” you began to stammer before you got yourself under control. You spoke plainly. “I don’t like her that way.”
Jessie gave another infuriating shrug.
“Why not? She seems smart. She respects your intelligence.”
You stared at her. "So?"
“I don't know,” Jessie said, quieter now. "You work together. Your days already cross over in some way.”
You frowned in disbelief. That was a pretty sad basis for attraction.
“Next!”
Your response died as you were called up to order. Jessie stepped forward and ordered for both of you.
“I can get mine,” you interjected, too slowly realizing what she was doing.
“Too late,” she said, giving you a tight-lipped smile as she tapped for both orders.
Your throat tightened as you stepped aside to wait. You opened your mouth to continue your rebuttal when she spoke first.
“You should go,” Jessie said, and the new seriousness in her voice turned your aggravation into a heavy pit in your stomach. “It could be nice. You deserve someone who can meet you where you are.”
Suddenly, the safe anger that had sparked in you became a pang of hurt radiating sharply through your chest.
You felt compelled to retort with a sharp remark of some kind, but instead the lump in your throat kept any words buried.
Your mind and emotions were going haywire and you tried not to swallow too obviously as you worked desperately to not let your composure slip.
She suddenly had nothing to say either. Instead, she stood with her hands tucked back into her pockets and a stare set on the coffee machine.
Tension pulled tight through your body.
Don’t make a scene.
Don’t read into things.
Don’t get your feelings hurt.
…Too late.
You blinked hard a few times and you involuntarily ground your teeth together as your order was called. You both stepped forward and grabbed your respective cups.
Your movements felt foreign and your fingers were borderline jittery as you fumbled with your lid a moment.
“Here, let-”
“I’m fine,” you cut her off with a measured tone you were rather proud of considering how you felt on the verge of shambles inside.
Your feet led you outside, barely aware that Jessie was following. You released a heavy, quick breath as you stepped into the fresh air.
You idly picked at the sleeve of your cup and an empty laugh soon worked its way up your throat as you maneuvered away from the crowds.
“What are we doing?”
You felt her eyes on you and you willed yourself to face her. She wore a thin frown of confusion.
“Drinking coffee?” She answered, a high inflection in her voice that was punctuated with a faint huff of a laugh.
“No,” you said firmly, holding her gaze and praying that the stinging behind your eyes was imagined and not a telltale sign of what was to come.
You swallowed.
“You and me. What are we doing?” You said.
A delayed, forced smile flashed across her face before it dropped out of existence and she glanced away.
“I don’t- I don’t know what you’re asking,” she said.
Your face nearly crumpled, but you held on to the final shreds of your composure. You took a silent breath.
“I told you I’m not interested in Lena. Yet you’re pushing me to go out with her,” you stated. You were tempted to go on, over elaborate, but you let it sit.
Her gaze flickered and she held out a hand in defense.
“I just don’t want you to miss out if she’s someone who would be good for you,” she said. Her voice started off light, but it thinned toward the end.
Your chest ached.
“I don’t understand how you’re making that leap,” you said. “We work together. We get along. That’s it.”
Jessie’s jaw tightened.
“I’m just saying,” she replied quietly, “If her life fits into yours...that matters.”
“Jess.”
Your exasperation faded almost as soon as it appeared, leaving something heavier behind.
You should stop. You really should.
“Jess,” you started anew, planting your feet firmly as if that would carry you through this terrible idea. “Tell me. If I were to ask you out - on a proper date - would you say ‘yes’?”
You commanded yourself to not look away. Her eyes widened just so and her back and shoulders straightened. She took too long to answer and you paid as little attention as possible to the growing pain inside your chest.
“I,” she started, voice soft. Coddling. She swallowed and then spoke with the gentlest voice. “I can’t.”
Your stomach dropped hard and your grip tightened around your coffee cup.
“I’m sorr-”
“Then what are we doing,” you repeated your earlier question with renewed intensity.
Everything you'd been bottling up and rehashing over and over in your head for months on end finally had an outlet.
“Then why do nights like tonight feel like a date to me. Then why do the days we spend together, even when we’re doing nothing, we feel like partners and not like friends.”
“I know you said I’m your friend,” you went on, the force and conviction now gone from your voice. You sounded small and you wished you didn't. “But then why doesn’t it feel that way to me.”
Whatever air she’d put on earlier had fully dissipated as she stood before you looking nearly ashen. The sadness in her eyes only hurt you more. It looked like pity.
“Y/N.” Your name came out as a pleading breath. “I-” she stammered, “please understand.”
You folded an arm against yourself and tried pathetically to look casual and not like this was piercing you to the core.
“I haven’t been trying to mislead you,” she went on, eyes searching the ground for answers. “I just. I can’t commit to anything - or anyone - right now.”
Your eyes narrowed in both hurt and confusion.
“I know you haven’t said anything,” you said, your voice starting to fray. “You’ve been very careful not to say anything. And that’s what makes me feel crazy, because technically, sure, you haven’t crossed a line.”
You took a breath that did not steady you.
“But you text me all the time. You remember everything. You show up whenever you can. You go out of your way for me. We have routines, Jessie. We have rhythms. I’ve gotten used to having you in my life, and I like it. I like you.”
Her face went still.
“And sometimes I think you like me too. Until you get cold. Until something happens, and you disappear, and then you come back so sweet and earnest that I forget how much it hurt.”
She hung her head and tugged distractedly at the hem of her shirt. When she looked up, her eyes glistened with tears.
“I didn’t want for this to happen,” she said with underlying dejection. Now she let out a humourless laugh as she gestured with a hand helplessly. “I thought I could...," she trailed off with a defeated sigh. "I don't know."
Your jaw tightened so much your teeth hurt.
“I care about you,” she declared in a breathy tone. “I really do. Which is why I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hurt me how?” You asked, trying to feign unbothered curiosity, but your voice betrayed you.
“Like this,” she said, her own voice taut. “Y/N,” she said in near exasperation, “my life isn’t something anyone can build a solid and fair relationship around.”
You frowned sharply and she forged on.
“I’m gone all the time. And even when things are structured, it changes constantly. I miss things that matter. Football takes up so much of me that when I’m lacking or underperforming, I’m hard to be around. And even when things are good, I’m exhausted. I can’t show up the way someone deserves.
“It’s just - it’s too much,” she finished with resigned finality. “I wish things were different.”
The tears you’d successfully fought off earlier were now making themselves impossible to deny.
“I’m confused,” you managed to say. “Those are already things you and I navigate, and it hasn’t stopped us from becoming close.”
“Yes they have,” she countered with a perplexed frown.
“Only because you let them,” you sparred.
“No. That’s not fair,” she argued.
“No, what’s not fair is you deciding what matters and what doesn’t for me. I don’t care that you have to reschedule things or might miss things. It happens. And I don't need you to be 'on' for me. I just - I want you. Not what you can do for me." You took a breath. "I care about you disappearing. I don’t like not knowing what to expect from you and trying to interpret every little detail to read between the lines.”
If she had an immediate rebuttal, she seemed to swallow it. She released an inaudible sigh.
"It's just not fair to ask someone to bend their life around mine."
"It's not fair to make choices for other people," you said, trying to hold your posture, but your shoulders felt heavy. "And if 'someone' is actually me - I don't view it that way. I see your life - I see what it requires; I've been, in my opinion, living in it for over a year. Your schedule and career are not the sacrifice."
She took a steadying breath through her nose, setting her shoulders back. You could see there was so much going on inside her head, her mouth pulled into a thin, taut line. Eventually, she gave a faint shake of her head. "I'm sorry."
The words felt so insufficient and left you hollow. Your lip threatened to tremble and you forged on, your control waning.
“If this is about last week, or not being 'good company', or any of the times your schedule got in the way - I’m telling you, that isn’t what hurts me.”
“Well it hurts me,” she returned soberly.
Her statement sent you reeling. She held your gaze firm while you tried to formulate a response. A moment passed and her shoulders gave. Her stern expression turned pleading. “What we have right now is good. It’s working-”
“It’s not for me," you interjected and her face fell.
You sniffled and she softened further, which somehow made everything hurt more. You knew you were on the edge, there was already a lot you couldn't take back, but the next step was irreversible.
"I can't keep living in this in-between. You act like I matter to you - like I'm special to you - but I need you to say or do more," you said, your voice dipping before you steadied yourself again. "This, isn't friendship to me. So, if friends is all you actually want...well...," you trailed off, unable to finish.
She stared at you, her eyes shimmering and you eventually had to look away.
"You are special to me," she said, her confession barely above a whisper. Her gaze fell to the ground and she clasped her hands in front of her. "I don't want to stand in your way..." She tapered off and forced herself to look up at you again. "I'm really sorry. I truly never meant to hurt you. I...I won't be selfish anymore."
You let out a pained, wet laugh. "What the fuck does that mean?" You asked incredulously.
She inhaled deeply, holding the breath in her lungs for a moment before speaking. "It means you're right. This isn't friendship. I won't-" her eyes flicked away and back, "I won't blur lines anymore for my own benefit."
Some self-protective instinct in you tried to look offended rather than hurt. She was giving up. She didn't even try to fight for you. In fact, she'd rather you be with someone else.
And here you were nearly begging her to choose you.
"So, a date is off the table," you said wryly as you tried to recover with a watery laugh.
Jessie didn't laugh. She just looked at you like you were a wounded animal who deserved charity.
"I'm sorry," she repeated solemnly.
You sniffled once more and wiped quickly at a tear that began to roll down your cheek.
"Okay, well. I guess that's that, then," you said, trying to sound very dignified.
"Y/N," she said imploringly and you took an involuntary step back.
"It's fine," you remarked with a breeziness that fooled neither of you. "You feel how you feel." You shrugged and the lump in your throat constricted.
"Please," she beseeched quietly, like she wasn't the one who could change the answer.
You shrugged sharply and toed at the ground briefly before setting your gaze on a nearby set of trees. "It's on me for letting it go so long," you said self-punishingly. "If you'd wanted more, you would've been clear - I just," your voice gave out momentarily, "was susceptible to wishful thinking."
"It's not your fault," she urged oh so gently and your features collapsed.
"It's fine," you insisted, you voice straining and tears starting to flow. "I'm gonna go."
You started walking away and she walked after you.
"Let me drive you home-"
"No." You rounded on her, stopping her dead in her tracks. "Stop. Stop acting like you care."
It wasn't fair to say, but right now you didn't care to be fair. She began to protest and you talked over her.
"No. You can stop taking care of me now. I'm not yours to worry about." It hurt more than you could admit to say those words. The self-righteous anger that held your body tall faded and your sank into yourself with a breath. "I'll get home myself."
──── ଓ synopsis: you're fixated by her, observing every step she takes, every breath — haunting her like a ghost. she's mesmerized by you, keeping stolen pictures of you on her walls. what would happen if you found out about the mutual obsession?
warnings: mutual obsession, dark romance, stalking, following, smut, blood pact, murder, reader cries all the time, female reader, afab reader
wc: 5k
YOU ARE MY REVERIE
You exhale hard, seeing your breath in the cold air. You’re hiding your hands in your pockets, the oversized hoodie swallowing you entirely.
You watch from afar as she lazily draws small patterns in the corners of her notebook instead of paying attention to the class; she always does that. You click your tongue. She shouldn’t be doing that; she will have trouble in the exam.
Depending on the angle you look, you can see your reflection on the thick glass window - between the line of trees, your hair covering your sides like a cascade of water, your face cold as ice for standing in the cold for so long.
Of course it is a strange fascination - but what can you do about it? People are usually mesmerized by colorful butterflies, blossoming flowers. But you, oh lord, you are fascinated by her. Ellie Williams.
The tall, slim woman that is your reverie. You need her with your whole being. Need her in your soul.
Footsteps are muffled by the snow as they make their way towards you. You’re surprised when someone touches your shoulder.
You turn around quickly, not scared of being caught in the act, no. Scared of losing your precious time with distractions, distractions that keep you apart from her.
“Are you okay?” your friend Isis questions, touching your shoulder. She's your only friend, the only person you ever allowed to really know you. “You've been standing here for ten minutes straight.”
You shrugged, not looking forward to answering her.
You turn around to your previous position, staring back at Ellie. To your surprise, she's staring back. Her gaze is scary, deep and precise. As if she's seeing inside you, seeing past your obsession.
Isis slips her hand into your cold ones. “You should talk to her,” she says. She probably notices your unhealthy fixation, but thankfully she never mentioned it. But if she ever did, you wouldn't mind admitting it.
When the classes are over and Isis leaves you to go to her dorm, you follow Ellie around.
First, she says bye to Jesse. Then, she walks to her favorite café; you know it's her favorite because you've followed her before — it's part of your routine — and she always comes here after class to study.
She doesn't look behind her as she walks, she never does. As if she's oblivious or as if she just feels you and doesn't feel the need to check if you're still there.
As always, she sits at the last table by the window; pulling out her notebook and starting to write on it.
As usual, you stay outside, standing like a ghost while staring fixed at her. When you check your phone and see that it's been thirty minutes since you're standing, you feel your legs are tired — you also see the ten missed calls from Jenna, your ex. But you ignore that because no matter how much you ignore her, she never accepted the end.
Jenna was your first obsession, but it sure wasn't as intense as the one for Ellie. What you feel for Ellie is real true love.
You must have been standing for about two hours since you observed Ellie during her class. So for the first time, you decide to enter the cafeteria. It's a bold move, but your legs are about to give up. And between going home to rest them, or sitting across from her to keep observing, you choose the latter.
The bell rings above your head as you enter the place. The noise doesn't catch Ellie's attention. You feel glad and disappointed at the same time.
You put your backpack in the chair by your side, pulling your laptop from it and opening it. Maybe you should be more careful with the staring — i mean, what would you do if she confronted you? Probably take off her clothes and lick all of her body.
You stay like this for about an hour, stealing glances from over your laptop while pretending to do something on it. The truth is, it isn't even turned on.
You scrunch your face when she tears a sheet from the notebook before putting it inside her bag.
You turn your face towards your laptop when she gets up to leave, but your eyes are still on her.
She's walking towards you. Your heart starts pounding inside your chest. You fumble to try to turn your device on, but she's already in front of you.
Ellie doesn't even look at your face. She just leaves a paper on your table before leaving the place.
Is a drawing of you from earlier, standing outside the café and staring at her. How didn't you notice it? How didn't you notice she was staring back at you?
In the corner of the paper is written I see you. You share my reverie.
YOU SHARE MY LONELINESS
That night, you follow your routine: dressed in a pair of oversized sweats, you leave your dorm to see her.
But instead of going outside the building to stare at her from her window, you move on your feet and find yourself in front of her dorm door.
You stand like that — staring at the old wood door — for a couple of minutes. An hour.
At some point, you notice a shadow coming from the inside of the room. You can see it through the gap between the floor and the door.
It's her.
She stands on the other side of the door, breathing hard in expectation. You stay like this — the door being the only thing separating you two, the only thing making you lonely — for thirty minutes.
Until you hear the door lock. Your eyes get wide, your breath gets caught in your throat. A snake moves inside your stomach, getting tangled up in your organs.
She unlocked the door for you. She's waiting.
But you do nothing. You don't move. You just stare; feeling the snake inside you hold tight onto your heart.
Your hand tickles with the desire of opening the door. You breath in hard and move your hand, grabbing the doorknob and feeling the cold surface against your soft hands.
You imagine what would happen if you opened it. What would she say? What would you say? What would happen?
You're not ready for this. You're not ready for the confrontation, so you bring down your hand and leave.
On the other side of the door, Ellie can feel your absence. The moth in her stomach drowns on her hydrochloric acid.
She sighs, blinking several times before focusing on the red lighting of her room.
Your face occupies all of her walls; your calm semblance while you sleep; your focused face while you study; your mesmerized gaze while you stare at her.
She has pictures of it all. She needs to have all of your gazes captured forever. Ellie needs to feel your gaze while she sleeps. It's the only way she can comfortably relax fully.
So when she doesn't have your live eyes on her, at least she has the captured ones.
The next morning, Jesse doesn't leave his dorm, apparently he got a cold; it left Ellie alone. Isis has extra classes; you're alone as well.
You sit in the cafeteria with your hands in your hoodie pockets, staring blankly at the empty table. You rethink all that happened last night, all the feelings and emotions you felt by knowing she acknowledged your presence.
The mere thought of Ellie noticing you makes a shiver run down your spine.
What will happen next? Will she confront you? Will she get mad and curse at you? What would you do if she did so?
Your thoughts are interrupted by a cup of hot coffee slipping in front of you. You blink twice, refocusing your eyes at the hot drink. It has a single droplet of milk — just the way you like it.
You look across the table; there she is. Sitting in front of you and carving holes in your face with her piercing gaze.
She blinks. Then a soft smile forms on her lips.
“Will you share my loneliness?”
You don't pay attention to the words. You're too focused on the way her lips move, forming the words.
“Excuse me?”
Her laugh is visible in the air because of the cold temperature. She's not making fun of you, is a genuine laugh.
“Like the song?” she says, but you don't smile at her “I just thought that… I'm here all alone, and you're also here all alone. Maybe we could share our loneliness? What do you think about it?”
Isn't she going to mention all that has happened previously? The drawing with the note, the stolen and dangerous glances that she caught. None of that?
You're not sure you can play this game as well as her. You might get caught.
“I should go.” you say, grabbing your bag and leaving as fast as you can.
You don't like to be forced out of your comfort zone, and you were pretty comfortable with appreciating her from afar. She should not have talked to you, she ruined everything.
YOU ARE MY DREAM COME TRUE
In the middle of aerodynamics class you receive a text message from Isis. It says: I need your help, meet me behind the campus cafe.
That’s weird. Isis is always so focused on studying, why would she disturb your studying?
Either way, you grab your things and leave the classroom — you need to try to be good to the only person that cares about you; even though you don’t really care that much. You’re not being cruel, come on; you do care about Isis, but not as much as you care about Ellie. No one will ever compare to Ellie.
You make your way to the back of the cafeteria, distracted by how your boots sink into the snow. The muffled noise it makes relaxes you from tension you didn't know you had over your shoulders.
Before you turn to reach the back of the café, a hand comes from the service bathroom and pulls you inside. The person presses your body against theirs — one hand around your torso, holding you in place and the other pressed against your mouth, stopping you from screaming.
Your breath gets caught in your throat. Your lungs burn. You start kicking and screaming. But it's no use; the person holding you is much taller and stronger.
The more you try to escape, the more tight they hold you.
When you notice your efforts are useless, you can feel the tears burning the back of your throat, threatening to fall down your cold face.
A sob escapes you before the person finally softens their grip.
“Shh it's okay baby. There's no need to cry. I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry”
Ellie gets in front of you with a worried face while she cleans your face from the tears.
Your face contorts in confusion the moment you see her. Did you become the prey?
“How did you know I was here?” you asked, hands coming up your face to clean the left tears.
Your voice is trembling, not because of what just happened. But because you're finally talking to her. She makes you nervous.
Ellie smiles softly at you. The kind of smile you give to something you adore.
“I texted you” she says as a matter of fact.
You get even more confused. “No you didn't. Isis-” you words stop there.
Where is Isis?
As if she can see the question inside your head, she answers “I stole her phone”
You're afraid she can hear how loud your heart is pounding inside your chest. The snake inside you holds your heart tightly.
“I want– I need you to pose for me.” she says excited, eyes shining as they stare deep inside your soul.
“What?”
“I've been trying to paint you for so long– maybe a year. But it never gets quite correct. Something in your eyes. I've been following you around since I started it, so I could get all the angles right. But no matter how close I get, my memory or my camera lens never catches what is missing.” she says it all while gesturing with her hands.
You stare blankly at her. You blink once, twice. You close your eyes for five seconds, then open them. She’s still here. She’s real.
“I want to crawl into your skin like a poison parasite”
She doesn’t blink. She presses her back against the wall and crosses her arms. Ellie squints her eyes at you, waiting. She knows how you feel about her — she can feel it — but seeing it herself is something much better.
“I will let you” she smiles, her fangs creeping past her lips “if you let me paint you.”
You nod. “Okay. You can paint me” you don’t even need to think about it. Letting her paint you means more time closer to her — but this time, you'll be able to feel her warmth.
You can see the sparkle in her green eyes. You have a feeling that she’d make you agree no matter what, but seeing you accepting her so easily, made something inside her burn in the best way possible.
She stands on her feet before shaking her head, as if checking if she's still here. “Alright” she murmurs against her breath.
Her eyes are back at you. For one, two, three, four seconds.
“You're beautiful” she says lowly, like she's talking to herself.
“Thank you” you say out of breath, getting high on her presence.
She reaches behind her, grabbing something while her other hand grabs yours. She puts the thing inside your hand. It's a key.
“You can enter my room anytime you want.” she holds your hand closed. She's so close that you can feel her breath on your cheek. “Our painting sessions will be at seven pm, but you can get there earlier if you want”
You just nod, too stunned by her beauty to be able to form coherent words.
“I need you to use your words.”
You swallow hard. “It's okay. I'll be there”
With a smile, she kisses the side of your mouth and leaves like nothing ever happened. Like your dream didn't just come true.
Your obsession finally noticed you. And now, nothing could stop you from swallowing her entirely.
YOU'RE MORE THAN LIFE TO ME
You spent the whole day looking forward to this moment, and now that you’re ready, you can’t find it in you to move.
You stare at your reflection in the mirror: the usual oversized hoodie and sweats covering your body from the cold and plus making you incredibly comfortable.
Your phone beeps with a message from Jenna. It reads “please, talk to me”. You roll your eyes and throw the phone on your bed.
You grab the single key Ellie gave you and stare at it. She’s finally at the palm of your hand.
You walk until you find her dorm; you stare at the number on top of the door, counting seconds for your courage to surface.
You insert the key in the lock and swallow before turning it to the side and unlocking it. When you open the door, Ellie is sitting on her desk, back to you.
You have to blink twice to adjust your eyes to the red lighting. But when you do, your breath is stolen from your chest as you get aware of your surroundings.
The walls are full of images of you; sleeping, eating, showering, studying, laughing, crying. There are so many pictures that you can't see the wall under it.
Has she observed you this whole time?
Tears form in your eyes and you're not sure of the reason behind them. Happiness? Fear? Confusion?
Ellie turns around to face you. She observes your reaction carefully, scared of it. She fidgets with her fingers and moves her eyes to the floor, expecting you to scream at her — call her a sick pervert, a disgusting stalker.
But to her surprise, a smile emerges from your tears. You look insane, but so, so beautiful.
“I watch you too.” you say with a happy laugh “I like to watch you sleep, watch the light break through your eyes.”
Ellie's smile is so big that it looks like her mouth will stay like that forever. You wouldn't mind it.
She gets up and walks towards you, holding your face with both hands and staring directly at your eyes.
“I love you. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you.”
She loves you, she loves you, she loves you, she loves you, she loves you.
You smile and hold her hand, pushing your cheek against her warmth and closing your eyes.
“I love you too. But I need you to prove it to me.” your smile fades and her face contorts in confusion “Prove me that your insides are red like mine”
Ellie nods, mesmerized by the look in your eyes.
“How do you want me to do that?”
You look around the room searching for something sharp until your eyes fixate into a switchblade.
Ellie's eyes follow yours until she looks at the same thing. She looks at you and then at the blade again. Then, she walks towards it and hands it to you.
Your eyes shine with yearn and love.
You hold the blade with one hand and her hand with the other. Your thumb grazes the palm of her hand while you stare at it.
“Do you trust me?” you ask, inching the sharpie and shiny surface to her pallid skin.
She nods, shaking her head with absolute certainty. “With my whole being.”
“So breathe in for me, and close your eyes.”
She shakes her head no. And you look confused.
“I want to see it.”
“Fine.”
You massage the soft skin with your thumb before precisely pressing the blade against her skin — a single droplet of blood forms and you watch it fall to the floor.
While Ellie is distracted by that, you push it deeper and slide it to the side.
Ellie groans in pain and holds your wrist with her free hand, urging you to stop. But she doesn't dare to say a word. She trusts you, she said that before.
A line of blood starts to drip onto the floor and you watch it mesmerized. Ellie does as well.
She steals the blade from your hand and uses her bleeding one to hold your hand. She doesn't let you think before mirroring your actions into yourself. You hiss in pain, tears falling down your eyes.
“It's okay. Don't cry, baby” she kisses your forehead, whispering praises into the air “You did so good for me, such a brave girl.”
You sob watching your soft skin open and bleeding.
You hold your bleeding hands together, mixing your bloods. The sliced flesh rubs together and a sob escapes you both.
“Now we are one” she says, smiling insanely at you.
“You're more than life to me, Ellie.”
“I know.” it's what she says before holding your face with her bloody hand and finally kissing you.
It's like a black hole swallows you and you're out of this world. She kisses you like the world was ending and this was your last seconds on earth.
She kisses you like her life depends on it. It's not a gentle kiss, it's deep — not rushed, but deep and intense.
When you separate to catch your breath, her pupils are dilated, red at the sight. Her face has the imprint of your bloody hand and it only makes her more beautiful.
Blood means love. The red means I love you.
Before she knows it, you're pulling her closer and kissing her again, feverously. This time it is rushed, messy, nasty. You can feel the metallic taste on her tongue.
Ellie doesn't waste time tearing apart your clothes to get it out of the way. Her mouth never leaves you, now a mess of saliva and blood on your neck.
You mirror her actions, helping her to take off her band t-shirt and her sweats. She smiles when she sees you're wearing nothing under your hoodie.
“You look beautiful,” she says before latching her mouth to your chest, sucking hard until the red becomes white.
You moan in pleasure — pleasure for finally having her, pleasure for finally having her on you.
“Ellie”
“That's it, say my name like a scripture
She takes you to her bed and takes off your pants, pushing your panties down your thighs, watching the way a string of your wetness connects to the cotton. She licks your skin and leaves love bites on her way.
She inhales, deep and slow, like she's smelling the most intense perfume.
“Ellie, please” you whine, head lolled to the side and eyes half lidded.
She smiles against your skin.
“Please what?”
You grab her auburn locks and guide her head to where you need her.
“Please eat me”
“I'll fucking devour you.”
Her lips suck your clit like she's sucking the life out of you, the sound that leaves your mouth is guttural.
She licks you, her tongue exploring your sticky folds while she gets high on your taste.
One of her hands is holding your legs open for her own pleasure, and the other comes to your face and she taps your lips, ordering you to open them.
You do.
“Suck them” and of course you do what she tells you to do.
Before you know it, she's working you open with two of her fingers, slow and patient, letting you adjust to the stretch before she ruins you.
Her pace is fast, the skin against skin making a disgusting noise because of your wetness. It only makes your moans louder.
“Ellie I'm so close”
She smiles, mouth still on you.
“Make a mess of my face, baby”
And that's exactly what you do.
Your orgasm is the most intense you have ever had. The room goes from red to white in a fraction of time, you're not sure if you're still alive; the feeling is too numbing to let you care about it though.
You feel Ellie's body weight leave the bed, but you don't pay it any mind until you feel something touching your still dripping cunt.
You jolt, gasping while half sitting, using your arms to give you leverage.
The black silicon sits heavily between her hips. Your mouth opens in awe.
“Shh, it's okay, pretty girl. I'll just have some fun, all you need to do is lay down and look pretty for me. Yeah?” she says sweetly, lips forming a condescending pout.
Ellie wet her lips while focused on the beautiful sight between your legs. She guides her cock slowly to collect the wetness from between your folds. You can feel yourself throbbing against it.
She slowly stretches you, shushing you when your groans start to look painfully. “You're doing great, I'm almost done”
Actually, she's not.
“I'll make this easy for you baby, gonna get all the way in”
You whine, already fuck out, head against the pillow. “No,” you drag out the syllable “It'll hur–ow!” the sound that comes out of your mouth is a mix of pleasure and pain.
It burns like she's ripping you apart.
“That's it, can feel me real deep, baby?”
You nod, face scrunched while you try to process if you're feeling pain or pleasure. It's the latter.
She moves slowly but deep, moving her hips to a steady pace until you fully adjust to her. When she angles just right, she sees the look on your face, the sound leaving your mouth, she knows she just hit the right place.
She gets off just by the way you're moaning her name, a babbling mess under her body.
“Faster” you mumble, eyes glassy with desire
She pouts “Want me to go faster, baby?” you shake your head yes, feeling your body shakes with her movements.
It doesn't take long until your reaching your high again, but it doesn't make Ellie stop. She only stops when she finishes herself.
HEAVEN AND HEAVEN ALONE CAN TAKE YOUR LOVE FROM ME
When you leave your last class of the day, you're side by side with Ellie — giggling and chatting, bandaged hands brushing each other.
But to your surprise, Jenna is waiting for you. Standing in the middle of the way, hands on her front jeans pockets, red hair falling to her shoulders, making a bubble out of gum.
She stares at you and Ellie with an offended expression, like you own her something. In her head, you do.
Your face drops when you see her, not wanting her to bother your moment with Ellie.
“What are you doing here?” you ask, offended.
She makes another bubble with her gum. Acting nonchalant.
“So this is your new toy?” she asks, crossing her arms and pressing her snickers harder against the ground.
Ellie holds your hand, staring directly into Jenna's eyes. She doesn't blink, doesn't flinch.
“It is none of your business, just leave me alone” you say trying to walk past her, but she holds your arm.
“Baby, I forgive you. I don't care, just come back to me”
Ellie turns to her, face red and brows scrunched.
“‘The fuck did you just call her?” she pulls you from Jenna's grip, letting you behind herself as she gets closer to your ex.
Jenna laughs.
“Want me to spell it? B-a-b—” Before she could finish it, Ellie punched her in the face.
It all happened so fast that you didn't have time to react — not that you'd have done anything to stop her.
Jenna falls to the snowy ground with the impact, hands coming up to cup her face.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Ellie kneels next to her, a sick grin on her face.
“Don't ever call her that again, or you'll end up with more than just a broken nose.” is the last thing she says before getting up and spitting on Jenna.
“You're not her ‘baby’, you're fucking mine” Ellie says kissing the corner of your mouth while you giggle, holding her hand and walking away.
One month has gone by and you haven't heard from Jenna ever since, and you're thankful for that.
You've been so busy with finals that you're hardly spending time with Ellie, having small to no free time to stalk her around.
You notice she's busy as well, always late, phone out of signal, disappearing for a couple of hours. You let it slip, she's already yours, what bad could happen?
You're lying to yourself, you can't let it slip. You can't risk losing her to somebody else. The mere idea of Ellie kissing another girl makes your stomach hurt, the image of you pushing a blade onto her heart forms in your head.
You would never hurt Ellie, you could never — she's the love of your life. But you couldn’t let her escape, so if killing her were the only option, that's what you'd have to do.
Later that night, you call her to come over, but surprisingly, she's busy with some paper work. You can feel the lie dripping from her voice. You just tell her it's okay, that you can see each other some other day.
But of course it is not okay. She's yours. Some paper work should never be more important than you. So you leave your dorm and hide in the shadows of the trees as you watch her leave her building.
She walks for an hour and a half, not looking behind once. You follow her of course, until she reaches the desert woods near the highway.
What is she doing here?
Thankfully, the soft snow muffles your steps. But you have the feeling that Ellie is so lost in her thoughts that even if you made a noise, she wouldn't notice.
You can see a cabin in the middle of the white forest, it looks abandoned and Ellie is walking towards it.
The perfect place to meet with a lover.
You hold tight onto the knife sitting in your hoodie pocket — you don't want to do this, but it's not your fault. It's hers.
You hide behind a tree when she opens the cabin door and enters the place. A single yellow light escapes through the window and paints the snow yellow.
There's tears running down your face, not sad tears, rage ones. Rage for having to do this, rage for how stupid she is.
How could she be so fucking dumb? How'd she dare to do such a thing? But it's okay, you'll not lose her, she'll live in your heart forever. You'll drink her blood to make sure she lives inside you.
A gunshot cuts your thoughts. Your eyes grow wide, scared of what she might have done.
Without giving it a second thought, you run towards the cabin, open its door and stumble on your feet when you see the amount of blood staining the wood floor.
There's so much blood that it makes its way to the door and starts dripping into the snow outside.
You freeze looking at it. Tears still running down your cold cheeks.
Ellie emerges from a room, face splattered in blood, a white rose bouquet in her hands. The roses are dipped in blood, it paints them beautifully.
You search for any injury in her, but you don't find any.
She smiles devilishly at you.
“I knew you'd follow me. You can take the knife out of your pocket, it's not what you think baby.”
You incline your face, looking at her with doubt. You take the knife out of your pocket and throw it on the floor.
“I actually feel offended that you imagine I'd do something so dirty. You're my destiny, y/n. I could never change that.”
Her words calms you down, you can see the truth past them.
The metallic smell reminds you of the red mess on the floor, coming from the room she just emerged from.
You gently push past her and enter it.
Jenna sits in the middle of the room, drowning in her own pool of blood, the life long taken from her eyes.
“I thought I'd show you some of my love,” Ellie comes behind you, offering you the bouquet.
Your eyes shine mesmerized, mesmerized by the proof of her love.
You look at her, at the shine in her dilated pupils, how they look at you.
She's right. You two are destiny. And your insides are red.
it took so much effort to write this! pls treat her well!
Summary: You and Jessie have a loving marriage, two precocious, but great teens; but this life and this romance was hard-earned. At one point, loving, doting-wife Jessie, was avoidant, non-committal, but oh-so-sweet Jessie. You and Jessie share your origin story with your daughters.
Warnings: None.
A/N: Well, y'all. I'm attempting another multi-chapter fic. ✨ Future angst ✨ Kids are named "Ky" and "Harper" though it's a totally different universe from Still Yours. I just didn't want to come up with new names! Oh. And eventual smut.
"I just can't believe she's falling for it. Like, this hot and cold bullshit is getting old. Just move on."
"Language," you said with a look from across the kitchen table at your daughter, Ky. You had to steady your expression and stifle a laugh at the briefly defiant, but relenting, eyeroll the teen gave you.
You heard a faint snicker from next to you and you held your gaze on Ky as you swung your knee out and nudged Jessie hard enough to jostle her, only drawing a fuller laugh out of her now.
The teen directly across from you, with freckles that had become more and more pronounced over the years to the point where she was a near-spitting image of Jessie, gave you a self-impressed look.
"Momma thinks I'm funny," she said haughtily.
"That makes one of us," Harper quipped before chuckling into her bowl at her own remark.
"Shut up!"
"It was a joke!"
"Girls," Jessie cut in as she held out her hands for silence. "Please." Their comments quieted and then died as they both quietly pouted. Jessie smiled sweetly at them, well aware it would probably irritate them. "Thank you. And Ky, yes, watch your language, please. At least while we're enjoying a dinner together."
Ky rolled her eyes dramatically as she folded her arms against herself with a huff.
"No fair. You always side with Mom," she pouted.
Jessie leaned in with another smile. "She's my wife. The mother of my darling children-" she grinned when they both fussed over the comment "-of course I'm going to side with her."
"Thanks, babe," you said as you leaned your shoulder into her and she turned to give you a peck on the cheek.
"Gross. If we can't swear at the table, then you guys shouldn't get to be gross at the table either," Harper objected.
"We're adults. We're married-" you started.
"-Happily married," Jessie interjected pointedly, a finger in the air. You snickered and placed your hand on her thigh as you looked to your children with a quietly pleased smile.
"Right. Happily married," you confirmed with a pointed, sidelong glance to Jessie that was met with the woman sitting up proudly at the declaration. You looked back to Harper and Ky. "Would you rather your parents be arguing day in and day out?"
They rolled their eyes yet again.
"No," Harper said in a way that made it seem like it pained her to say it.
"Okay," you said with a light shrug. "So a little affection between your parents isn't so bad, now is it," you teased.
"Anyway," Ky responded pointedly, drawing the word out with a look to both Jessie and you. "As I was saying, it's stupid that Thalia is putting up with Reese's mixed messages. Like, if he actually liked her, it would be clear. She wouldn't have to guess."
You sat across from your daughter as you absorbed her words. She wasn't wrong. In fact, you were glad that she was so self-possessed and had those expectations.
However. Sometimes. Things are complicated.
You hesitated for a couple of moments as you internally debated and it was long enough for her to frown at you in question. You released a faint sigh and offered a subtle shrug.
"True. And I am very proud that that's how you feel and how you think." You paused to take a quick breath as you gathered your thoughts. "But, sometimes, there's more to it."
Ky arched an eyebrow and shot Harper a questioning look the other teen shared.
"I'm not saying you should put up with being strung along, and certainly not indefinitely," you protested preemptively, "but sometimes it's not as simple as it seems."
Ky gave you a scrutinizing look.
"It's a situationship. You're telling me you'd tell her to stick around?" She challenged.
"No, I wouldn't," you responded primly as you tilted your head up at them, now feeling on trial in front of your children. "But. That would make me a bit of a hypocrite. I mean, your momma had me in one."
"WHAT!?" Both girls blurt out, both leaning in simultaneously against the table and staring between you and Jessie wide-eyed.
"Well, hold on-" Jessie interjected, sitting forward quickly and giving you a bewildered look before looking intermittently at the kids with a frazzled smile probably meant to diffuse things.
"Wait - what," Harper reiterated, craned forward and looking at both of you with such disbelief. "Momma-" She pointed at Jessie as if to verify we were all talking about the same person, "Momma had you in a situationship?" Her tone finished high in confusion as her brows knit together.
"No-"
"Yeah."
Silence fell over the kitchen table as you and Jessie looked to one another. She looked mortified and affronted and you actually couldn't help but let out a short laugh.
God, how things had changed.
There was a time where just the thought of Jessie nearly had you tears. Now here you were, so many years later, her ring on your finger such a mainstay that you could hardly remember a time it wasn't yours; your two teens sitting across from you; and Jessie herself - older, more settled, more herself - giving you the most helpless, puppy-eyes at your proclamation.
Despite there being a period where you didn't even know if you two would speak again, here you were, a warm, loving family - and you could even laugh about it now.
You held Jessie's stare, trying not to laugh further.
"Babe," you said knowingly. She wilted.
"It's not what it sounds like," Jessie half-pouted, half-protested as her hands fell into her lap and her shoulders rounded out in defeat.
"It kinda is," you couldn't help but tease as you propped your elbow on the table and rest your chin in your hand with a playful look her way.
"Oh my God," Jessie complained with an exasperated sigh and a dramatic roll of her head from one side to the other.
"Wait. Wait. You guys still haven't explained anything," Ky spoke up, holding out her hands to get your and Jessie's attention.
"Yeah this is crazy," Harper said. "Momma's obsessed with Mom. Like, it's embarrassing."
"Yeah, we always tell you you're embarrassing yourself, Momma," Ky piled on.
Jessie rolled her eyes, cheeks flaring red by now as she fidgeted. She gave an irritated look towards her daughters' ribbing, but it was evident she was still sheepish and aghast by this whole conversation.
"Don't be mean," you mildly chided the girls as you leaned over and wrapped your arms around Jessie, who audibly let out a pouting huff and half-collapsed into your embrace. "Your Momma's grown up a lot," you said, unable to entirely hold back your laugh. The girls' expressions and Jessie's reactions were just too amusing.
"Oh my gosh," Jessie complained as she pulled away petulantly and shot you a look of betrayal. "For the record," she held up her hand in defiance, "this is all a lot more nuanced than it's sounding right now."
"Right," you nodded with false seriousness. You looked to the girls. "Like your Momma breaking up with me - well, guess there was nothing to officially break up because she just refused to acknowledge things or make a real move - but basically ghosted me. Got super formal on me, distant, and then quickly went no contact."
Jessie groaned and hung her head in her hands. The girls' jaws dropped and Harper's hand shot out to Ky's shoulder as if to brace herself.
You couldn't help but delight in the chaos around you. You wrapped your arms around Jessie again and kissed her hair. "I'm sorry, baby. I can't resist."
"I'm sorry," she mumbled as she leaned into you with another huffing sigh.
"I don't get it. I'm having trouble reconciling. Like, you," Ky gestured to Jessie who had sunk into her seat with both mortification and resignation, "who - again - embarrassingly, will follow Mom around at events. Tag along with her on the most boring errands because she 'might need company'. Look to her first for her reaction when you crack a lame joke. Or are watching her like a hawk to see if she needs anything. Momma - bringer of Mom's perfect drink, sweaters, whatever. You," she paused as if to process further, "ghosted her?"
Jessie eventually let out a sigh of defeat and removed herself from your embrace to brace her arms on the table to look the girls in their eyes.
"...I guess."
The girls erupted, talking loudly over one another to the point where none of it was legible.
You signaled for the girls to quiet and you spoke.
"This is funny and harmless because we all know where things landed. Your Momma is the absolute sweetest and I - and each of us - can count on her for absolutely anything and we all know that. She has more than made up for some of that...angst...from the past," you offered and Jessie gratefully took your hand in hers, giving it a kiss.
Your expression remained steady, but the corner of your mouth twitched as you went on.
"She just happened to, at one point, be a kind, sweet, earnest and deeply noncommittal jock who once upon a time broke my heart."
The room erupted once more and Jessie looked at you partially wounded and partially like she just wanted to collapse in your arms for reprieve. You squeezed her hand and she pouted, letting her head fall to your shoulder.
"Okay, come on," Harper protested. "You have to tell us everything now."
"What? I thought we were gross," you challenged with a self-satisfied smile.
"You are. You absolutely are," Harper countered without the slightest flinch. "But we need to know."
"Oh, so now your parents are interesting," you teased as you turned your head enough to kiss the top of Jessie's head.
"Well. Maybe," Ky hedged with a playful smirk. "We thought Momma was just a love-sick, down bad wife. I mean, one night you can casually mention a particular pastry you liked, and next morning Momma's up before everyone, running across town to get you that specific one. I literally can't imagine her playing it cool with you and not texting you back or whatever."
"Believe it," you laughed. "And hey, yes, Momma is extremely generous and sweet, but that extends to you two as well. She may be getting me a chocolate croissant, but she's getting you those little macarons you like and you those fruit tarts. So don't complain."
"No macarons and fruit tarts for you two," Jessie sulked with a facetious frown at her girls. She lifted her head and gave you a look. "And, quite frankly, not sure I want to get you your croissant either."
You laughed and kissed her cheek.
"We've been a little merciless. Well...me anyway. I'm sorry, baby." You still chuckled further as you squeezed her arm.
She made a comical face and looked up at the ceiling with a quiet exhale through her nose.
"Fine," she said flatly as she shifted her gaze to the girls. We'll tell you."
A/N: Let me know what you think! I was going to go full-on angst, but I invite feedback!
Summary: You and Jessie are friends. But more and more, you wonder how something so sweet can feel so uncertain, and why Jessie keeps reaching for you only to retreat.
Warnings: Slight angst.
A/N: The story continues. Part one here.
"Fine. We'll tell you."
"Really?" Harper asked in hopeful disbelief as she sat forward eagerly.
Jessie shot her daughter a look and exhaled wearily already.
"Don't make me regret this," she said and you stifled a laugh next to her.
"I don't know, Momma. Sounds like this is your opportunity to set the record straight," Ky offered cheekily, drawing a slight grimace out of Jessie.
"Sure,” Jessie said flatly with a lingering frown. “Or incriminate myself further. Who knows.”
"It's okay, babe. We're all fine now," you assured her, though you still wore a hint of a teasing smile.
"Thankfully," Jessie continued in the same tone, slouching further in her chair and planting her feet firmly on the ground, arms crossed.
"Hey yeah, we haven't talked about that in so long - where do you think you'd be if we didn't get together?" You asked with bright curiosity, and immediately had to swallow a snort of a laugh at the bewildered and tired look Jessie gave you.
"Right. A talk for another time," you relented and she gave you an affectionate eyeroll before grabbing your hand and pulling it onto her lap. You smiled, your eyes lingering on her for an extra moment before you cleared your throat subtly and looked back to the girls.
"Okay," you started anew. "Where to begin..."
------
Flashback
You sat at your coffee table and ignored the faint tightness in your chest as you subtly looked over your shoulder towards your front door. Your eyes fell to Jessie's bags that were neatly lined up against the wall, ready to go.
Your eyes panned towards the clock and that familiar pull in the pit of your stomach started up again.
You turned back to face Jessie and all of the tension that had started to fester inside of you settled almost immediately. She sat hunched over the table, resting her chin between her thumb and forefinger and wore the most serious, adorable frown on her face as she scrutinized the puzzle in front of you both.
It took you a moment longer than it should've for you to find your words.
"Not that I'm trying to get rid of you, but don't you need to be leaving? Your flight's at 2:20, right?"
Jessie's frown deepened momentarily before she looked up at you doe eyed.
"Hm?" Her expression cleared and she glanced down at her watch. She studied it for a couple of seconds before giving a shrug. "Mm, it's okay. Security won't be too bad."
You frowned, unconvinced. She used to give herself more of a buffer. And Jessie was someone who didn't like to be late or have to rush.
"You sure? I mean, it's nice that you got to stop by this morning, but I don't want you to be late," you offered. She simply returned her attention to the puzzle pieces she'd arranged neatly in front of her.
"It's okay. I'm not worried," she said casually before picking up a piece and setting into place. She lit up and looked immediately to you with a bright smile. "Got one."
You laughed. "Well I'm glad one of us is having luck."
"It's not luck," she said as she scanned the pieces before her.
"Right. Miss Methodical. Miss I-like-math-and-systems.”
"It's called 'focus',” she remarked deliberately with a hint of a smirk.
"Ah, of course. A foreign concept to me,” you quipped.
Her eyes continued to scan the puzzle and she replied. “I mean, considering how many pieces you placed today…possibly.”
“Wow,” you said, mockingly affronted. “So we’re keeping count now.”
“I’m just tracking progress,” she refuted simply with a wry glance your way. Her eyes snapped back down as soon as they locked with yours, missing your smile at the banter.
“Uh huh. And here I am - distracting you."
Jessie sat up a bit straighter though her eyes didn't leave the puzzle. The edges of her mouth tightened just so and she fidgeted momentarily before clearing her throat.
"I don't mind," she said after a moment passed, tone simple and light. Her eyes still didn’t leave the table as she picked up a piece and held it overtop, but with no clear plan for placement.
A small twinge went through you before you rallied. You smirked and reached out to give her a playful nudge on the shoulder.
"You're supposed to say I'm not distracting," you teased.
A cheeky smile crossed her face and she finally looked up at you, relinquishing the piece back to the others. "Well either way, it clearly hasn't stalled my progress, so..."
You gave her a scandalized look, hand to your chest. She chuckled.
"Wow. The disrespect," you remarked, smile growing at seeing her own.
Her smile quieted as she sat back in her chair and placed her hands on her thighs. She exhaled and checked her watch once more.
"I guess you're right. Not exactly giving myself a lot of leeway," she relented.
She sighed once more and stood, grabbing her empty glass and reaching for yours but pausing, turning towards you, “Are you done?”
“Oh. Yeah,” you responded after a moment’s delay and she grabbed your glass and headed to the dishwasher. “Hey. I could’ve done that,” you told her.
She shrugged as she placed the glassware into the top rack and spoke casually, “No problem. Least I can do.”
You gave her a withering look. “We’ve been over this. Just relax. I don't need you to do anything. You-” you nearly stumbled over your words, the lack of definition leaving the options too open-ended, “can make yourself at home.”
“And I’d clean up after myself at home, too,” Jessie said decisively as she walked back over. “I don’t want to impose,” she tacked on in a somewhat exaggerated way. She was probably trying to deflect with humour, but you didn’t fully believe the air of sarcasm.
“You’re not imposing,” you corrected calmly, seeking her gaze, but she’d started arranging all of the stray puzzle pieces strategically on the roll-up mat, eyes set on the task at hand.
You let out a faint chuckle, allowing the corner of your mouth to turn up subtly. “Believe it or not, if I thought you were a pain or didn’t like you, I wouldn’t invite you over.”
She rewarded you with a soft chuckle as she began to carefully roll up the mat.
Your pulse began to quicken as your mind debated back and forth before you forced your concerns aside and simply spoke.
“I want you here.”
Her movements stilled so briefly that by the time you blinked she’d continued. You wondered if you imagined it.
What you didn’t have to wonder about? Her lack of acknowledgment beyond a tight-lipped smile and a cursory glance.
Your stomach twisted faintly as you tried not to fidget or think too much. You distractedly began tidying up other things as she set the cleaned up puzzle aside in its usual spot.
"You can't work on it until I'm back,” she said as she finally turned to you with a teasing smirk.
The coiling inside of you relaxed some.
"No touching the puzzle. Got it. I know the rules," you agreed as you held up a hand in innocence.
She paused, her smirk fading and her shoulders dropped a touch. You could visibly see her suddenly - unnecessarily - second-guessing herself. "I mean, well, it's yours, and it's your place, so - you're obviously allowed to do whatever you want. But-"
You held up a hand again with a laugh. "Jess. We're good. You're my puzzle partner - I'm not touching it until you're back. I won't even be tempted," you assured her jokingly. Warmth flared in your chest at the relieved look that crossed her face. One you could tell she was at least partially trying to hide.
You two began to walk to the door together, your shoulders brushing briefly as you entered the hall. You felt the need to speak.
"And a reminder - you bought that puzzle. So, it's actually yours."
"Well, it lives here, and possession is nine-tenths of the law, so," she trailed off as she slipped on her shoes and reached for her backpack.
"Honestly," you half-glowered, half-pleaded as she swung the bag over her shoulder. She looked back in a mix of confusion and concern. You glanced down to her shoes. "It's none of my business. But. I would feel better if you tied your shoes."
She stared at you wordlessly for a moment before the corner of her mouth turned up in a lopsided grin.
"Okay, mom," she said flatly though she leaned down and tied her laces with no further protest.
You felt heat rush up your neck to your cheeks. You held back an embarrassed groan.
Mom? Yeah. That's exactly how you wanted her to think of you.
"Yikes," you deadpanned. "Making sure you catch your flight. Making sure you tie your shoes. I'll tone it down," you finished with a slightly forced laugh. She gave you a small smile and a quick shrug after a moment’s contemplation.
"I don't mind," she said once more.
You did your best to muster up an easy smile, but managed nothing more than a closed-lipped one with wavering eye contact as you folded your arms against your chest.
"Okay. Well. Glad to know you won’t suffer a shoelace-related mishap.” You managed to joke and she chuckled softly.
You looked at one another for an extended moment and you filled the impending awkwardness with what felt logical.
“I hope you have a good flight.” You tried not to scrutinize the stiffness in your delivery.
She gave a nod and pushed her hands into her pockets. "Thanks," she said before giving a shrug, her gaze falling to the baseboards of your wall. “It’ll be fine.”
You two stood before each other, intermittently staring at the other to looking anywhere but at one another.
You deflated internally. Things always got weird before she left town. Some times more than others.
The energy between you that felt so calm and easy sometimes felt anything but. And it was like this more and more. It was like there was so much beneath the surface, so much to say, more to do, but neither of you had the guts to poke at whatever it was.
You’d known Jessie for, God, nearly a year now. You met through a friend of a friend. Hit it off one night at an event neither of you wanted to be at.
A couple of book and coffee recommendations had turned into a few follow-up texts. Those turned into idle, yet slow conversation. Into a tentative invite to a market. To more texts - deeper conversations, funnier conversations - to more hang outs.
More ease. More warmth.
To her suddenly being a near constant, somehow intertwined in your life. Cheerful or humorous morning texts, updates, good night texts. Seeing each other during her down time. Making a point of seeing you before hitting the road. Scheduling catch ups before she was back.
You loved it. You loved-
No. No. Not going there yet.
You guys were just friends.
And that was the issue.
It didn’t feel like friends. It didn’t feel casual. It didn’t feel light in the sense friendships do. So much of it felt like there was another layer, more weight, more meaning, behind it.
And yet, you’d never kissed. Never held hands. Did you sit too close to one another on the couch? Stand unnecessarily close to each other when you scrutinized something together at a store? Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes. At least in your humble opinion.
But anytime you thought you had boundaries figured out, she'd back off. Next time you hung out, hell, sometimes even 5 minutes later, she'd sit stiffly a foot apart from you. Or if you brushed against each other she'd practically recoil.
You just couldn't figure it out.
Never mind comparisons. She hugged her friends all the time. Leaned into them in pictures. Brushed against them when she was in a good mood and animated about something.
The truth was, she did those things a lot less with you.
And there was the fact that she’d never said a thing beyond friendship to you. Yes, you two bantered all the time, something you were inclined to read as flirtation sometimes, but she was dry and sarcastic with her teammates too.
Your stomach sank.
And this wasn’t like you. You weren’t used to feeling like this. Second-guessing. Conducting thesis-level analysis over the most mundane things. Pining.
"Hey, uh, I downloaded that book you told me about. I'll start reading it on the plane."
Her comment drew you out of your thoughts.
As much as you wanted to keep talking, the fact that she was running late hovered in the back of your mind.
“Oh,” you said, coming back to and allowing yourself a receptive smile. “Okay. Can’t wait for another one of Jessie’s Judgements.”
She scoffed with a playful eyeroll. “Well, your recommendations have rarely let me down, so…I think you’re safe.”
You wanted to build off of what she said, but, she should really go.
“Glad to hear it,” you accepted with a lingering smile before playfully tapping your wrist in gesture. "Time," you stated.
"Right," she nodded with a small laugh. She brought a hand up to her mouth and quietly cleared her throat as she seemed momentarily transfixed on the wall. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
“And we’re still on for Sunday?” She asked, finally looking back at you, sounding nonchalant but with eyebrows raised.
You frowned briefly before your mind caught up. “Oh yeah. Of course.”
"Alright. Cool," she said as she idly rubbed the back of her neck, eyes still anywhere but yours before digging her hands back into her pockets. "Guess I better go." She mindlessly tapped the toe of her shoe against the rug. "I'll text."
You couldn't help but let out a breath of a laugh. It was all so awkward.
"Sounds good. Don't worry, okay? I know you're busy. If you can text, great, but it's all good," you reassured, not for the first time, with a small laugh. "We'll connect when you're back."
You saw her exhale through her nose, her shoulders relaxing and she soon straightened with a small smile.
"Kay. I'll see you later, then," she said. A brief second of indecision seems to take hold of you both before you simultaneously stepped forward into a hug.
Today, the hug lasted longer than it probably should have. When you finally pulled away, you strongly suspected your cheeks were flushed. Your only solace was that Jessie's cheeks seemed a bit redder than usual, too.
She remained rooted to her spot for a second longer, before swiftly grabbing her luggage and giving you a nod.
"Alright. Thanks again for letting me swing by-"
"Jess," you admonished with a laugh. It was so absurd. She gave a sheepish grin.
"-I'll see you Sunday."
She stepped through the door and gave you an adorable wave that you returned with a chuckle.
"Bye."
"Bye, Jess. Have a good flight."
When you closed the door behind her, you braced your hands against the door and exhaled as you leaned into it with your weight, your head eventually resting against it. You shook your head slowly.
You didn't understand how you could feel so charged and so drained all at once.
Before you could scrutinize too much, you made yourself take a deep breath and you busied yourself around the apartment to settle your nerves.
You checked your phone to see a missed text from your best friend. You responded.
"Hey. Sorry. Jess just left."
"Uh huh. I figured that's what was distracting you. So. Dare I ask. Any progress?"
Your shoulders rounded out as you felt yourself deflate.
"No."
You paused. Unsure of what else to say. You knew [y/best friend] was losing patience with this whole situation. To which you'd respond with, 'Imagine how I feel??’
"She was being weird and quiet again. Well, her version of weird and quiet lol."
"Surprise."
"Hey. Don't be mean."
"Sorry. You know I'm half joking. The whole thing's just mind boggling. This woman stocks your favourite drinks and snacks at her apartment, half-lives at your apartment now in her down time, is honest to God sweeter and more attentive than actual girlfriends or boyfriends I know, but won't define anything or be direct."
"I know. Believe me."
"She’s sweet. She's nice. Don't get me wrong. But she's a coward."
You frowned as a pang went through you upon reading the message. You felt protective of Jessie, and yet, it hurt.
"Or. You know. She’s just a really genuinely thoughtful and sweet person who doesn't like me as more than a friend. She develops deep friendships. And maybe that’s all this is. And I'm just reading into things like some narcissistic idiot."
"This is not that. And you are certainly not a narcissistic idiot in any sense. And the fact that she makes you even ponder that makes me want to dislike her."
"[Y/best friend's name]. Please. This is hard enough. I don't need you taking up arms on my behalf."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just been like a freakin' year and I don't like seeing my friend strung along. But I hear you! I'll let it go. For today lol."
You sighed. Were you being strung along? You didn't even know anymore.
Still. Throughout the rest of the day, you heard from Jessie.
"Made it through security. Shoes tied and everything."
"Also started the book. I’m saving judgment until chapter three, but so far you’re safe."
"I'm finally wrapped up for the day, just back in the hotel room getting ready for bed. How was your dinner?"
It was like that, you two texting back and forth when you could, over the next few days.
Until Sunday.
"Hey [Y/N]. I really hate to do this, but I need to cancel our plans for this afternoon. My flight's been delayed and it's looking like we'll miss our connection on top of that. I'll be lucky if I make it home today at all."
"I'm really sorry. I hate flaking out like this."
Your heart dropped a bit, but you mostly just felt badly that she was dealing with all of that. Of course it would've been nice to see her today, but there was always another time.
"Hey, no need to apologize. These things happen. And it's entirely out of your control. I highly doubt you want to spend your entire day in airports."
"I'm sorry you're dealing with all of those delays. That's gotta be frustrating. I trust Reilyn and co have plentiful games and such to keep you all occupied. Maybe this is the universe telling you to finish your crochet project 😂"
"Still."
"Haha. Yeah, we always find a way to stay occupied. Thanks for being understanding."
You frowned, slightly amused at your phone.
"It's honestly no problem, Jess. I understand travel complications."
"And hey, this is a good chance for me to run some errands I didn't get around to yesterday. If you do happen to make it home today and still want to hang out though, just shoot me a text."
You stared at the text after you sent it. Did it sound too desperate? She'd come over after late flights. So this wasn't weird, right?
"Thanks. I won't make you wait around for me though. We'll just see each other another time."
A brief pang went through your chest at the response, but you tried to not read into it. You chewed your bottom lip and texted again. Any inkling that you were being pathetic and over-available, was recrafted in your mind: you didn't like games. You liked being direct and clear, and - she was your friend...or something... - there shouldn't be a need for mental gymnastics.
"You mentioned that gallery opening later this week. Want to check that out?"
You stared at your phone waiting for the three little dots to come up again. You switched to another app as you waited. You switched back a while later - still nothing.
She was probably just busy. The team wrangled her into something or maybe there was an update about her flight.
With a sigh, you went on with your newly open day.
You hated how you practically felt your chest fill with anticipation any time your phone vibrated.
Eventually, it was her name on your screen.
"Maybe. I'm not really sure what my week is looking like right now. I don't want to say 'yes' if I'll just have to bail."
Your chest constricted faintly again. You almost started texting back right away, but your thumb stalled over the keyboard and you tucked your phone in your back pocket.
No games, huh? You scolded yourself internally and texted back sooner than you intended.
"All good. I know your schedule changes - I don't mind, honestly, mine does too, sometimes. Regardless, we'll play it by ear."
"Cool. Thanks."
Your stomach dipped at the minimal reply.
You put your phone away. Her message didn't exactly invite continued conversation, and quite frankly, you felt you'd put yourself out there enough today.
Eventually, you were winding down and getting ready for bed. You hadn't heard anything more from Jessie. No travel updates today, apparently.
You were lying in bed and gave in, checking Insta. You saw stories from Mac and few others. You opened them and that pit of disappointment in your stomach grew.
They'd gotten home a couple of hours ago. Meaning, Jessie was home and hadn't even texted you.
You closed your eyes and grit your teeth.
So what? She didn't owe you an update. Why should she keep you posted? You weren't her girlfriend.
You. Weren't. Her. Girlfriend.
You exhaled brusquely and turned onto your side, abruptly turning out the light on your nightstand and setting your phone down with a louder-than-necessary thud.
You needed to get some sleep. You'd feel better in the morning.
Except, when you woke up, you still didn't have a message from Jessie.
Which meant you had to admit - on some level - that without that, you didn't feel better.
She was being distant. Again.
You wouldn't say you waited all day for her to text, but in time, you eventually sent her a message.
"Hope you made it back okay."
"Hey. Yeah, thanks. Got in super late. Your day's been okay?"
It was better than nothing. But it was slow. And it was off. It wasn't like her usual texts to you.
The gallery opening came and went without further acknowledgement and before you knew it, you were seeing glimpses of Jessie on the admin account boarding another plane out of town for another game.
Summary: Jessie slips back into your life with an ease and sweetness that makes it hard not to hope. But when someone mistakes your closeness for something more, Jessie’s reaction makes her silence harder to ignore.
Warnings: Angst.
A/N: Part one and Part two.
Flashback
“Hey, thanks for letting me come over.”
You exhaled and cocked your head at Jessie. You couldn't help but give her a withering, but faintly affectionate look.
“Jess."
You left it at that, her already giving you an unfortunately adorable and apologetic expression. You exhaled quietly and stepped aside to let her come in. You leaned against the wall as she began taking off her shoes.
You hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Things cooled a bit between you two during that period, but she'd been reaching out more, warming again, recently. To the point of asking to see you once she got back from Chicago.
She'd given a vague apology - busy, travel, exhaustion - and maybe it was true. It would be fair, but it just felt off. You knew there were times she'd text you even if she was falling asleep, so to go so minimal - always polite though, always civil - felt like...felt like a loss.
Still, you'd missed her. And again, you had no right to be hurt or to expect more. Just friends - you had to keep reminding yourself.
"Uh, here," Jessie announced, drawing you from your thoughts.
She stood before you, back straight, chin up with a half-nervous smile as she held out a gift bag to you.
"Oh," you said as your eyes shifted from her to the bag and back again. You tentatively stepped forward and retrieved the bag from her. You weren't expecting anything.
She stood quietly, watching you, and you took it as a hint to open the bag. You took out the tissue paper standing out of the top of the bag and moved over to your kitchen counter to set it down. Jessie followed you wordlessly.
You peered into the bag and a smile automatically crossed your face. You glanced over your shoulder briefly at her and she flashed you a smile of her own before you reached into the bag and pulled out a few small boxes.
"Jess-"
"-I know you like the original kind, but they released new seasonals so I thought you might like to try those, too," Jessie talked over you.
You turned the boxes over in your hands to examine them and gave her a steady look, though the corner of your mouth tugged upward.
"This is really generous, Jess-"
She was already shaking her head with a comical frown. "They're just treats."
"Yeah, sure, but I know you're on a tight schedule and you didn't have to get me anything," you explained calmly. "This better not be a Spain situation," you went on as you narrowed your eyes playfully at her.
She shook her head again. "No, no. We were in that area anyway. It was nothing."
You stared at her a moment longer before relenting. "Okay. As long as it was convenient," you insisted with an emerging smile. She grinned.
"Of course. Anyway - yeah, uh, those are for you," she went on, her hands clasped behind her back now.
"Well - thank you -" you emphasized as you held her gaze, "this is very thoughtful and sweet. I really appreciate it."
She gave a dismissive shrug. "You're welcome. Glad they're the right ones. I saw them and thought you'd talked about them at some point, but couldn't really remember. But it was nothing, really."
"Well," you held up the boxes as evidence, "it is something." You finished with a soft laugh. "Have you ever tried these?"
"No."
You opened the box and held it out to her. She held up her hand in mild protest.
"They're yours. You don't have to share," she said.
You gave her another look and held out the box further with a chuckle. "I've got enough to share."
She eyed you suspiciously for another moment before retrieving one and taking a small bite. You watched her as she chewed. And chewed. And gave you a smile and a thumbs up that was not remotely convincing. You legitimately laughed.
"Jess. You don't have to pretend to like them just because I like them," you assured her with a fond look. She made a show of swallowing her bite and her smile turned humourously forced.
"They're delicious," she feigned and you laughed again.
"Hey, this works in my favour. These are hard to find. So - more for me," you said haughtily and she chuckled.
"Thanks again," you said as you reached out and you two embraced in a hug. You hardly noticed as you instinctively tucked your head against hers. It just felt - good - being with her again.
When the hug ended, you noted her step back and how her hands went behind her back once more. She seemed rather interested in the plant on your table and rocked up onto the balls of her feet before dropping back down.
You should keep your mouth shut, but you were finding it harder and harder to do so.
"Feel like we haven't really talked in ages," you said, keeping your tone light. "Which is funny, because I guess it hasn't really been," you backtracked with a faint laugh.
She'd looked at you as you spoke, but shifted her gaze away as she began to respond, her hand coming up to the back of her neck.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that," she offered a bit slowly. "It's just been really hectic and intense lately."
She started into an extended explanation of training, team obligations, tournament preparation, fitness tests, and you eventually cut her off with what you hoped was a gentle smile.
"Hey, sorry, I wasn't trying to interrogate or anything. I know you're busy and you're juggling a lot. Things get intense for you - and that's totally fine," you offered a chuckle as you continued to reassure, "for the record, I have no problem with intense. I was just commenting. What I meant, I guess, was more like - it's good to see you again."
She exhaled inaudibly, her shoulders visibly relaxing and a slow smile formed on her face.
"Yeah, it's good to see you, too," she said. A beat passed and she went on. "So tell me, did you cave and work on the puzzle without me?"
It took you a second to map the shift in topic, but you released a laugh.
"How dare you accuse me of such moral weakness," you returned facetiously and her smile grew. You laughed once more and held out your arm in gesture towards to the table. "Shall we, then?"
Even if you went into today with lingering questions, maybe a desire to not be so open, as you sat next to her plugging away at the puzzle, catching up, joking again with one another, it was alarmingly easy to slip back into things with Jessie.
The afternoon carried on until the need for dinner was undeniable. After a quick discussion on what to eat, you collectively decided to walk to the nearby grocery store, pick up some ingredients and come back to cook together.
While at the grocery store, you two spontaneously decided it would be a good idea to bake blueberry muffins, which - by the time you were done dinner, done chatting, meant you were baking together at 8 o'clock at night.
And, of course, Jessie had to stay to taste test and to split the batch, and by then it was well into the night.
And yet, when you said goodbye to each other at the door, you still didn't want her to leave.
-------
"Hey, I saved you a seat. No rush - get here whenever you can."
You hardly noticed the soft smile on your face as you read Jessie's text. You replied.
"Thanks! I'm probably 10 min out. See you soon."
"Cool. We're in one of the rooms at the back. Take a right after you pass the host stand."
You followed Jessie's instructions once you entered the restaurant and made your way towards the room. You could hear boisterous, overlapping conversation and laughter as you approached the entryway.
You stepped in and were immediately spotted by the series of Jessie's teammates sitting with their back towards the wall. There were a couple of large tables in the room with Jessie's friends situated throughout. They waved at you cheerfully.
"Look who's here!"
Jessie had her back to the door, but immediately sat up straighter and turned towards the door. You locked eyes and she smiled broadly.
"Hey," she greeted as she reached to the chair next to her and pulled it out slightly. "Here."
"Thanks," you said as you approached, waving and saying 'hello' to the group along the way.
There was a pair you didn't recognize, but otherwise you knew everyone there.
And as you sat down, your mind pieced together that all of the people in attendance - coincidentally or not - happened to be couples.
Not you and Jessie though.
"So, how's your day been?"
Jessie's voice pulled you from you thoughts and you turned to her. You answered and the two of you shared a couple of quick updates before you were both drawn into larger conversation.
Eventually, a couple of servers came in, setting down various small plates across the tables. One server came up next to Jessie, setting down a plate.
"And you had the cauliflower bites over here, right?"
"Oh. Yeah. That'd be great," Jessie replied as she sat back to give the server room. "Thanks."
"I love those," you said as they were placed near you. Jessie wordlessly moved the dish closer to you with a concealed grin.
"Did you order those for me?" You asked with a scrutinizing look. She remained tight lipped and merely took a sip of her drink. "Jess," you admonished with less-than-successful seriousness before you nudged her with your shoulder. "That's sweet. Thank you."
"They're good," Jessie said casually with a shrug, though you caught the faint smirk on her lips.
The servers then started taking dinner orders and you shot Jessie a playfully wide-eyed look as you snatched up the menu. She laughed and leaned in, pointing to a couple of items.
"You might like these," she said before leaning in a touch more, enough that your arms were pressed against one another's, and pointed at another item. "There's also this if you don't like the other two. And, you know, the entire menu."
You had to admit your mind was a lot less on the menu and more focused on your proximity to her.
You were growing vaguely aware that you should speak sooner rather than later. You quietly cleared your throat and turned your head subtly to speak to her while others were giving their orders. She tilted her head in towards you to hear you better and you tried not to smile.
"What are you going to get?" You asked, reprimanding yourself mildly as you stumbled over your thoughts to get to that. She turned to speak closer to your ear, now, and you swallowed subconsciously.
"I think I'm just getting the gnocchi. You?"
You didn't put much thought into it, and truthfully, her recommendations sounded spot-on. You chose one of them and she pulled back with a smile.
With food eventually ordered, conversation began to flow once more. You felt a sweet tension in your chest and you couldn't resist smiling as you engaged with Jessie and her friends.
As the appetizers depleted and the group waited on dinner. People began to circulate around the room and chat with different folks. At some point, the pair you didn't recognize came and sat in the newly vacant seats across from you and Jessie.
They both extended their hands to you and introduced themselves and you did the same.
"It's been way too long since we've seen each other," Jessie said with a smile as she sat relaxed in her chair, hand casually wrapped around her drink. You tried not to think about how her knee brushed yours if either of you moved.
"I know! Sure you don't want to come play in the Bundesliga? You can play with us and Vanessa," Pernille said teasingly. Jessie laughed and you smiled naturally.
"You know, I'm good here," Jessie said with a smile you were trying hard not to stare at. She glanced your way.
You listened in as the three caught up, adding comments or questions in where appropriate. Eventually, attention turned to you.
"So, Fleming," Magda said, now leaning in conspiratorially as her eyes darted purposefully between Jessie and you. "Stop with all the mystery. Tell us everything. How long have you two been together? You know, Jessie's always been coy about dating, but-"
You were hardly processing the rest of what Magda was saying and instead could only really focus on your heart thumping loudly in your chest. You probably stared at her a moment too long already, but Jessie sitting up in her chair and moving her glass a few inches over on the table snapped you back into the moment.
"Oh," she started, with a smile moving into place a moment later as she released a small laugh and gave you a cursory glance. She frowned, eyes settling on her glass as she gave a couple of quick shakes of her head. "Oh, no, we're friends."
The sweetness that had been fluttering in your chest abruptly transformed into a sharp pain that twisted behind your ribs.
You felt your jaw tighten subconsciously and you did your best to not break your gaze or react. You swallowed again involuntarily and mustered up an expression you hoped looked easy and unbothered.
She let out another brief laugh and you two locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked at Magda and Pernille.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," Magda said, her expression - and Pernille's - showing obvious regret and embarrassment. "I just-"
"Don't worry about it," you interjected with a gracious smile as you ignored the lump that was forming in your throat. The more you all lingered on this, the more humiliating it felt and you weren't sure how much you could tolerate.
Some part of you was determined to assert your dignity and take ownership of the moment. You offered a gentle laugh and gestured pointedly to the couples around the table.
"I mean, fair assumption," you joked as you continued to smile at them.
Sparing any of them further, Pernille jumped in with a vaguely connected anecdote and eventually you felt your pulse calm. The ache in your chest and the knots in your stomach weren't as easy to settle though.
Dinner came and everyone returned to their seats. You mustered up a smile as Deyna and her partner sat down across from you once more. Not wishing to be further exposed, you started up conversation to eliminate any room for scrutiny.
Meanwhile, Jessie sat next to you, quiet and subdued. Her knee, that was brushed up against yours just minutes prior, no longer at risk of touching yours; same with her shoulder and arm. You valiantly banished the observations from your mind.
Maybe it was wishful thinking, but you swore you caught Jessie glancing at you out of the corner of her eye as everyone ate. Yet, she didn't say more than a word or two to you.
She still smiled, still responded when spoken to, but things were off now. Again, maybe you were reading into things, but to you, it felt like you could practically see the walls going up.
"How is it?" You asked as you glanced at her still half-full plate, Jessie pushing a piece of gnocchi around on the dish.
She seemed almost surprised, back straightening for a moment before her shoulders rounded out again and she absently pierced the piece with her fork.
"Yeah, it's good," she answered, though her eyes didn't leave the plate. It took her a moment before she glanced at you. Your chest twinged at the effort it seemed to take her to do it. "How's yours?"
"Fine," you responded, voice still friendly enough, though you felt suddenly deflated. You swallowed and looked to her briefly before adding. "The beets are really good."
You saw her try to smile and she glanced your way. "Good."
In time, the plates were cleared, more drinks were ordered and people began to disburse around the room again. You took the small opening you had.
"Hey," you said under your breath as you leaned toward her, albeit nothing like earlier this evening. She held her hands clasped firmly in her lap though she did tilt her head down in another way of indicating she was listening. You bit back a sigh. "Are you okay?"
A frown creased her forehead as she glanced your way. "Yeah. I'm good."
Frustration began to creep up within you, but you tried to tamp it down. She returned her attention to her near-empty drink.
"Is this about what Magda said earlier?"
Your heart beat heavy in your chest once again as the words left your mouth, but you held your eyes steady on her. Her head snapped towards you, that frown still on her face.
"What?" She asked, looking maybe offended - maybe just confused - and your stomach dropped. You pulled back slightly and her expression softened. "What?" She asked again, gentler. "No." Her gaze fell to the ground before returning to yours and away again. She shrugged and drained her drink. "I'm just kind of tired."
Your eyes remained on her as you struggled with what to do or say next. What to feel.
She solved it for you as she stood up out of her chair. She stretched, looking around the room.
"Ugh. I've been sitting for too long. I'm gonna run to the bathroom - I'll be back," she announced with a fleeting glance your way.
You watched her walk away, disappointment seeping throughout your body before you forced yourself to snap out of it.
Truthfully, you envisioned yourself just grabbing your things and leaving, but you refused to be chased out so abruptly or to draw attention to yourself in that way. Instead, you looked around the room and grabbed your glass before settling in across from Mac and Reilyn.
When Jessie returned, you refused to look her direction though you caught her looking your way before returning to her chair though that part of the table had mostly emptied out.
"So, how were your treats?"
"Hm?" You asked, eyebrows raised before giving a quick shake of your head. "Sorry, what?"
"How were your cross-city confections?" Mac asked with a mischievous grin.
"Uh..." You narrowed your eyes at her in consideration and she and Reilyn both laughed.
"You know, the boxes of treats that Jessie took two trains and a bus to get," Reilyn explained playfully matter-of-fact.
"Yeah, and nearly dislocated my elbow she snatched the bag away from me so quickly when I tried to grab a box," Mac laughed. "Then she pointedly ignored me the rest of the evening."
"Huh?" You asked, that low level ache in your torso replaced suddenly by confusion as you leaned in slightly. "She said you guys were already in that area."
"'Area'," Reilyn said sarcastically with air quotes. "City, sure."
You looked between them as you processed what they were sharing with you.
It should have made you feel special. An hour ago, it probably would have.
You reminded yourself to respond.
"Oh. Well, yeah, they were great," you managed with a smile.
Mac was still nearly doubled over in laughter about the whole thing before Reilyn waved her hands excitedly and launched into a new story.
You feigned following along, but your gaze drifted towards Jessie, catching her politely nodding as she listened to conversation at her table, but seemed distracted by the condensation on her glass and whatever was on her phone. You had to make sure not to let your eyes linger on her for too long.
So, now what. She - evidently - went very much out of her way to get those treats. And things were going good again. Hell, just an hour ago you two were nearly cuddled up together at the table, smiling and chatting and - it just felt right.
And now, she would hardly talk or look at you.
But it wasn't about the comment earlier. Evidently.
You made a point of trying to make the most of the evening, but you couldn't rid yourself of the heaviness that had descended upon things. You didn't want to be here. It wasn't about her friends - they were great - it was everything else.
Did she know it was couples only when she invited you? Or did she not know? Did something else about the night cause her to withdraw? Was it the question? Or was she really just tired? She went halfway across Chicago to get you some silly snacks you liked. Maybe there was something else she wanted to do in that area - she liked taking photos, she liked checking out random places - who knows. Did it mean anything?
You circulated the room. Jessie did too, to a lesser degree, but at no point did she come over to you.
You felt drained all over again.
Once it was socially acceptable to leave, you graciously excused yourself from your current conversation, said your goodbyes and went to gather up your things.
"You're leaving?"
You nearly paused upon hearing Jessie's voice behind you. You finished gathering your things and turned to face her. She was standing casually with her hands in her pockets.
"Yeah. It's been a long day," you said, offering a thin, but polite smile.
She looked away the way she did when she was thinking. She shrugged a shoulder idly. "Do you want me to-"
"No," you cut her off gently. "I'm okay. Stay. Have fun," you finished lightly, trying to control your breath.
She quieted and gave a couple of small nods, gaze falling to the floor.
"Okay. Well. Text me when you get home," she said, returning her eyes to yours. You held steady and gave a nod.
"Yep. Sounds good," you accepted. You side-stepped her. "Night."
You caught her turning to keep her eyes on you as you walked on.
"Night."
------
You were getting ready to get into bed and still hadn't texted Jessie. You didn't see the point in rushing.
Your phone lit up.
"Home safe?"
"Yeah. Sorry. Just been settling in."
"No need to apologize. Glad you made it home safe."
You sighed and locked your phone, setting it on your nightstand as you got under the blankets. Your body felt heavy and you rubbed your eyes.
Your phone buzzed again.
"Thanks for coming tonight."
You watched as the three dots lit up in sequence on your screen. You waited.
"Sorry if anything was awkward tonight."
Seriously?
You huffed in disbelief. You wanted to lock your phone and toss it on the bed. Sometimes you weren't sure what was worse. Her apologies or her silence.
Your thoughts and feelings clashed back and forth and you eventually responded.
Summary: When Jessie pushes through exhaustion to see you, it becomes harder to believe her distance means indifference. But when something else sends her retreating again, you begin to see that wanting closeness and allowing it are not the same thing.
Warnings: Angst. Language.
A/N: Rest of the series is here.
"Momma - are you serious?"
Jessie released a pre-emptively exasperated sigh at the scolding from her oldest. She folded her arms against her chest.
You chuckled and your girls snickered and scoffed.
"You bringing Mom an overly thoughtful - yet entirely 'casual' - gift and then just hovering around her apartment all day? Like a shy penguin trying to woo another with a shiny pebble and then shuffling after her," Harper relayed, not entirely successful in smothering her laughter.
"She said she liked them and that they were hard to find," Jessie replied with half-hearted terseness.
"Yeah. Exactly," Ky replied dryly.
"'I can't express my feelings, so I guess I'll just bring you a neatly packaged offering,'" Harper playfully mocked, cupped palms outheld in jest.
"Okay, okay," you said as you held out your hands, gesturing for the girls to simmer.
"I can't believe you ignored Mom at the dinner," Ky went on with a lingering stare at Jessie.
"I was processing," Jessie retorted. "And for the record, I felt absolutely terrible when you left that night," she went on as she turned to you. You squeezed her hand. "I'm really sorry," she added, a bit more subdued.
"I know. It showed," you responded, joking and teasing fading away as the emotions of that time sat vividly inside of you again, albeit, with far, far less sting than before.
"Are you talking about me - shuffling after you -" Jessie spoke exaggeratedly with a pointed look at Harper that drew a laugh out of the younger girl, "in the weeks after the dinner?"
"Yeah," you relayed softly as your mind already began to drift.
-----------
Flashback
Leaving the dinner, you'd felt humiliated, frankly. Embarrassed at your own wanting. Your own hopes. Your own stupidity for allowing yourself to begin feeling - again - like there was something more.
She was your friend. And you were hers.
She'd made that very clear.
You didn't want to be cruel by withdrawing completely or being rude. Ill-advised or not, you still wanted Jessie in your life, but you couldn't bridge every gap, read between the lines, extend the bids she vaguely made.
So you cooled a bit.
In turn, somewhat to your chagrin, and unfortunately, to your relief, Jessie seemed aware.
She started texting more than usual, but always about safe things. A photo from the plane. A complaint about hotel pillows. A comment about a show or book either of you were into. Links to articles or posts she thought you’d like.
And you answered, but you didn't do the heavy conversational lifting the way you normally would.
Still, eventually she asked to meet and you didn't have it in you to deny her - or yourself - the opportunity.
The day came.
“Are you still free tonight?”
You raised your eyebrows in surprise and typed out a reply.
"Jess. You guys were down to 9 players. You played for 98 minutes. AND you just got back from Brazil the other day. You have got to be beyond exhausted. Yes, I'm free, but we can reschedule to another night, I imagine you need to focus on recovery."
"I don't mind. I'm okay! I'm good to hang out if you're still up for it."
You sighed. It was sweet. Yet infuriating in some way. You relented.
“Okay. If you’re sure.”
“Absolutely. On my way 👍“
You were tempted to call her a dork, but you held back. Affectionate teasing wasn’t quite back on the table yet.
When Jessie stood on the opposite side of the opened door giving you her best smile in greeting, it was obvious how taxing it was.
“Jess,” you said her name with tender chiding as your chest filled with a warm ache at the sight of her. There were bags under her eyes, her shoulders rounded and her smile betrayed her with how strained it was at the edges and in her jaw. “You should be resting,” you went on softly as you stepped aside.
“I’m honestly fine,” she assured you brightly as she entered your apartment and took of her shoes and training jacket. Her hair was messily tied up and still wet from her post-game shower. “I’ve had more gruesome games.”
You watched her with a discerning eye, but knew it was best to just let it go.
“Well, you were pretty incredible. You were everywhere on that pitch tonight. Player of the Match, no less,” you relayed with a sly smirk, knowing she’d roll her eyes at the title.
“Team effort,” she deflected and now you were the one to roll your eyes.
“Can I get you anything to drink, then?” You offered. She held up her water bottle with another winning smile.
“All good. Thanks,” she said before bending down and digging something out of her bag. “Here’s the card game I was telling you about.”
You took it from her with a growing smile and examined the box. You appreciated her finding it, bringing it, but you were preoccupied with her current state.
“That’s awesome. I’m curious to try it out soon,” you said, very purposely adding the modifier.
“Yeah, guess we still have our latest puzzle to finish up,” she said as she already began moving towards the table. You couldn’t help but notice that she moved a little slower; less easy.
You noted the silent exhale she released as she sat down; one she surely was trying to hide from you. Instead, she smiled up at you reassuringly again and began unrolling the puzzle.
You two debriefed her earlier match and then chatted idly for a while, catching up more completely than before.
“-what do you think?” You asked. You continued studying your pieces until her lack of response drew your attention upwards. She’d shifted, propping her elbow on the table and resting her head heavy in her palm as she stared a little glassy eyed at the pieces before her.
“Hey, do you want to watch a movie instead?” You asked.
Her eyes flicked up to yours, though a half second slower than you’d expect. She straightened, removing her head from her hand and frowning in renewed focus at the puzzle.
“Oh, um, doesn’t matter,” she replied with a feeble shrug. “I’m okay doing this too.”
“Let’s watch a movie,” you told her decisively with a reassuring smile. Despite that, she looked to you half-wounded, as if she’d let you down. You went on. “I saw [Movie] was available and I’ve been dying to watch it. Indulge me?”
She gave a slow smile and an eventual nod of assent.
“Sure.”
Puzzle quietly abandoned, you two moved to the couch and settled in as you put whatever movie caught your attention first. You hadn't actually had a movie in mind, you just wanted to give her a break.
You'd forced her to take the chaise on the couch despite her denials. You made some argument about if she wasn't going to follow her recovery routine, she could at least put her feet up. After some minor grumbling, she eventually gave in.
“Do you need anything?” You asked as the opening sequence played.
“Nope, I’m alright,” she assured you with a quick smile before adding a bit more pointedly. "You don't have to take care of me, you know."
"I'm not," you refuted.
You were. But she clearly had issues accepting that.
You awaited her protest, but she merely gave a sigh and readjusted in her spot slightly. Now you really knew she was tired.
You let the movie play and didn’t attempt to fill the space with additional commentary that you and Jessie may have normally sprinkled in.
It wasn’t long before you caught glimpses of her stifling yawns and shifting periodically, sitting up straight again and again before inevitably sinking back into a more comfortable position.
You tried not to stare, knowing she’d feel pressure to mask her exhaustion if she knew you were aware.
You just wanted her to rest. Honestly.
In time, a motion in your peripheral vision caught your attention anew. You subtly looked over.
She was nodding off. Chin dropping slightly then dropping altogether, before lifting once more with valiant effort.
You said nothing.
You should have been able to tell her to lie down, hand her the blanket off the back of the couch - whatever. But, God, you felt your frustration rising as you had to calculate every little action. For someone who was so easygoing and warm, she could be ridiculously skittish.
You looked back over and her eyes were closed and she was now fully asleep.
After several moments you inhaled a bit sharply, coming back to your senses. You should not be staring at her.
But she looked so peaceful. And soft. And sweet.
Not putting on a brave smile for you. Not forcing herself to chat or engage. Not performing - for you or for anyone else.
And while you'd felt irritated just a few minutes ago at having to navigate her so carefully. Seeing her here like this, your heart swelled. She deserved to rest. To just...be.
She worked so hard and pushed herself all the time. And her mind was always going 100 miles an hour even if she did her best to not show it. She was constantly composed and at her best for everyone and in everything she did.
It would be exhausting being her. And if she could rest, let her guard down for even a short while, in your presence, well, you were grateful.
She shifted slightly and you stiffened momentarily, holding very still as not to disturb her further. You looked over to see she'd merely curled into the couch a bit more, but was still asleep.
You watched her for a few moments, remaining motionless until you eventually committed to your next step. You gingerly reached behind you to grasp the blanket that was neatly folded on the back of the couch and opened it slowly before reaching over and very - very - carefully laying it on her.
You pulled back at a glacial speed, nearly grimacing at the fear that she'd wake.
She didn't.
You returned your attention to the movie, lowering the volume a couple of notches, but some part of you couldn't help but speculate.
She'd been making more of an effort recently. And now, she was very blatantly exhausted and drained. She was running on fumes, yet she'd insisted on coming over. You dared to reason - she'd used the last of her energy to be here, to see you.
Your mind began down a slippery slope and you halted it firmly.
Friend or not. Something more or not. It didn't matter. If she felt safe here, with you, then good.
There was nothing more to contemplate.
In time, the movie ended and you started a show with Jessie fast asleep a foot over from you. After a couple of episodes, you couldn't ignore how heavy your own eyelids felt and you looked over at the clock.
You needed to sleep, and you by no means wanted to kick Jessie out. You wanted her to continue sleeping. In fact, you wished you could wake her just enough to tell her to lay down properly, but you knew it probably wouldn't go that way.
Carefully, you turned off the TV and rose from the couch, keeping an eye on Jessie to see if she was stirring or not. Eventually, you'd dimmed the lights and put a spare pillow at the end of the couch.
You made sure her phone wasn't near enough to wake her when you texted.
"Stay. I don't want you heading out this late."
You quietly got ready for bed and retired to your room. You fell asleep trying not to think too much about the aching warmth in your chest.
When you woke early the next morning, the veil of drowsiness dissipated immediately as soon as you recalled the image of Jessie on your couch.
You reached over and checked your phone.
Nothing from her.
You rolled onto your back and listened for any sound in the apartment that would maybe indicate she was still here.
In time, you couldn't resist your curiosity and you got out of bed and tiptoed to your door, cracking it open. Your jaw legitimately dropped when you spotted Jessie fully laid out on the couch, curled up under the blanket and still fast asleep.
A small jolt of excitement - victory, even - went through you as you carefully closed the door once more. You swiftly quashed the feeling.
Wow. A friend was so fatigued they crashed on your couch. Alert the media.
This was getting ridiculous.
When you later heard rustling through your bedroom door, you'd already gotten changed and ready for the day. She was in the bathroom when you stepped out and went to the kitchen to start prepping breakfast.
You didn't make a big show of things when she emerged, instead continuing to fry up some eggs and prep a couple of avocados with toast. You heard her clear her throat lightly as she came up to the kitchen counter while your back was turned.
"Um, hey," she greeted tentatively, clearing her throat more prominently now before speaking stronger. "Morning."
You turned and offered her a smile. You made a point of not staring or scrutinizing, but though she still looked a bit tired, she looked far more rested than the night before.
"Good morning," you greeted before turning back to the stove. "Help yourself to some coffee," you offered with a quick gesture to the coffee machine.
You didn't hear her move right away, but eventually she made her way over with a quiet, "Thanks."
She was retrieving a mug out of the cupboard when she glanced briefly your way. "Do you, um, have one already?"
"Yeah, I'm good," you said warmly as you pointed to your half-filled mug on the counter. She nodded quickly, ducking her head and returning to the machine.
The kitchen was filled for an extended few moments with ambient sounds of the coffee machine whirring and eggs sizzling before you spoke up.
"I hope you managed to get at least a half decent sleep," you said lightly with a nod towards the couch. She stood facing the coffee machine still, eyes on the cupboards in front of her as she blew across the top of the mug and taking a careful sip. You decided to use eye contact sparingly with her until she was ready. "I know it's not the most comfortable couch, but hopefully it did the trick."
"Oh," she said as she turned around and faced the couch; still very much not looking at you. "Yeah, no, it was totally fine," she assured you.
She took another sip and grimaced at how hot it was, setting it down momentarily on the counter before picking it back up and holding it again.
"And, um, yeah," she started slow, letting out a brief, half-hearted laugh, "sorry about...last night." She scratched idly at her temple as she continued to look towards the couch.
"What do you mean?" You asked as you started to plate the food. This seemed to catch her attention and she turned towards you.
"Oh shit. I'm so sorry. Do you need me to do anything?" She asked as she peered around, clearly looking for a task.
"Jess. Relax." You chuckled as you handed her a plate.
She made a quick face, her shoulders falling with a faint exhale as she took it. She walked towards the table as you headed over as well.
"I'd say a did a pretty bang up job of relaxing," she muttered self-deprecatingly as her mouth turned up into a wry smirk. "Sorry," she went on, eyes dropping momentarily. "I wasn't very entertaining yesterday."
You sat down and shot her a scrutinizing look.
"I don't need you to be entertaining," you remarked simply.
She sat down and you caught the flash of a wince on her face.
"And for the record," you continued, "I find puzzling and lounging on the couch fairly entertaining."
"Yeah right," she disputed with a breathy laugh as she ate a mouthful. You chuckled.
"Wow, not even 8:30 in the morning and you're already insulting me by calling me boring," you teased.
"No," she corrected with a brief eye roll before giving you an imploring look. "I mean-" she took a moment before eventually shrugging and digging another forkful of food. "I just feel bad for coming over and just crashing."
"You don't need to feel bad," you countered lightly, but decisively. "It's okay to be tired. You had more than enough reason to be. And, honestly, even if you didn't - who cares. It's fine."
She shrugged before finally locking eyes with you. You held her stare and she eventually sighed before taking a swig of her coffee.
"Fuck, that's hot," she ground out with a wince that made you laugh.
"Careful," you laughed.
"Shit," she went on with a lingering laugh and a smile your direction. "I can't feel my tongue."
"Probably for the best. Can't taste my bad cooking, then," you said with a smirk. She narrowed her eyes at you.
"You're a good cook," she countered.
With breakfast eventually done and dishes put away, Jessie stood at the front door saying 'bye' to you.
"I definitely need recovery and treatment today," she said after an exaggerated groan from putting her shoes on.
"Yeah, try to take it easy today if you can," you said with a soft laugh. She remained in her spot for an extended moment and you forged on before you could think better of it.
"Thanks for spending the night." You felt a rush of heat over how much more earnest it sounded than you intended. "You know, for not bolting out of here in the middle of the night," you went on, eyes flicking to the wall and back.
She frowned briefly but chuckled. "I don't think I could've bolted anywhere last night," she said dryly. "Or now, as a matter of fact."
You nodded with a faint smile. Tension was starting to build again before she stepped forward with her arms open. You stepped into the embrace without thought.
It felt nice to be back in her arms, especially after the very intentional absence of your goodbye hug at the dinner. However, you couldn't control how you kept your arms a bit looser and you kept your gaze fixed on the wall. You didn't want to be thinking this hard about a freaking hug, but - you were - and you just couldn't quite relax.
There was a faint twisting sensation in your chest by the time you pulled back. It sharpened upon seeing the earnest expression on her face.
"Thanks. For letting me crash," she said.
"Anytime," you replied gently. She let out a faint scoff and gave a playful smile.
"I'll try not to make a habit of it," she insisted.
She didn't get it. The best part about last night was her finally letting go; dropping her defenses around you. But she didn't see it that way.
"I'll text you later," she promised as she opened the door. "Bye," she said with a wave.
---------
"Hey. I know we're supposed to hang out tonight, but can we take a raincheck?"
"Sure. No problem. How are you?"
"Guess you didn't see the match. It was brutal. Anyway. I'm just not good company tonight."
You exhaled as you read her message. You'd caught enough of it. She'd had a rough game. There was no denying it.
Poor passes, mistimed tackles, misread plays, and then she gave away the penalty that led to the eventual winner. She was substituted soon afterward, and the cameras caught her looking utterly stricken on the bench: jaw tight, elbows braced on her knees, hands clasped as she stared at her boots, barely responding to the teammates trying to speak to her.
If they'd won this game, the Shield would've been theirs. Unfortunately...it wasn't meant to be.
And you didn't have to know Jessie for as long as you had to know that she was wearing this squarely and solely on her shoulders even if it wasn't that simple.
"Which is fine. You don't have to be 'good' company."
You gave her a minute, but she didn't reply. You took the opportunity - poor choice or not - to reiterate.
"You don't have to talk about the game, you know. You don't have to talk at all if you don't want."
You busied yourself until her reply eventually came through.
"I know. I just need to be alone."
"I'm sorry."
You sighed. The issue wasn't that she wanted time alone. She was entitled to space, especially tonight.
It was the distinction you were beginning to see.
When she had been physically spent - too tired to keep her eyes open -she had still pushed to see you. She had made it through your door and, eventually, let herself rest.
But this was different. Tonight, she was not only tired. She was upset with herself in some way you could see but were not allowed close enough to understand.
Whatever she thought might happen if she let you see her like this, staying away apparently was better.
You had hoped the night on your couch meant she was beginning to let her guard down.
Maybe it had.
Just not while she was awake enough to uphold it.
"Okay," you said to yourself, letting the resignation set in.
"Don't be too hard on yourself."
"Get some rest, Jess."
"Thanks for understanding."
You set your phone down.
You understood enough to leave her alone.
You just wished she trusted you enough to let that understanding bring you closer instead.
Summary: When Jessie pushes through exhaustion to see you, it becomes harder to believe her distance means indifference. But when something else sends her retreating again, you begin to see that wanting closeness and allowing it are not the same thing.
Warnings: Angst. Language.
A/N: Rest of the series is here.
"Momma - are you serious?"
Jessie released a pre-emptively exasperated sigh at the scolding from her oldest. She folded her arms against her chest.
You chuckled and your girls snickered and scoffed.
"You bringing Mom an overly thoughtful - yet entirely 'casual' - gift and then just hovering around her apartment all day? Like a shy penguin trying to woo another with a shiny pebble and then shuffling after her," Harper relayed, not entirely successful in smothering her laughter.
"She said she liked them and that they were hard to find," Jessie replied with half-hearted terseness.
"Yeah. Exactly," Ky replied dryly.
"'I can't express my feelings, so I guess I'll just bring you a neatly packaged offering,'" Harper playfully mocked, cupped palms outheld in jest.
"Okay, okay," you said as you held out your hands, gesturing for the girls to simmer.
"I can't believe you ignored Mom at the dinner," Ky went on with a lingering stare at Jessie.
"I was processing," Jessie retorted. "And for the record, I felt absolutely terrible when you left that night," she went on as she turned to you. You squeezed her hand. "I'm really sorry," she added, a bit more subdued.
"I know. It showed," you responded, joking and teasing fading away as the emotions of that time sat vividly inside of you again, albeit, with far, far less sting than before.
"Are you talking about me - shuffling after you -" Jessie spoke exaggeratedly with a pointed look at Harper that drew a laugh out of the younger girl, "in the weeks after the dinner?"
"Yeah," you relayed softly as your mind already began to drift.
-----------
Flashback
Leaving the dinner, you'd felt humiliated, frankly. Embarrassed at your own wanting. Your own hopes. Your own stupidity for allowing yourself to begin feeling - again - like there was something more.
She was your friend. And you were hers.
She'd made that very clear.
You didn't want to be cruel by withdrawing completely or being rude. Ill-advised or not, you still wanted Jessie in your life, but you couldn't bridge every gap, read between the lines, extend the bids she vaguely made.
So you cooled a bit.
In turn, somewhat to your chagrin, and unfortunately, to your relief, Jessie seemed aware.
She started texting more than usual, but always about safe things. A photo from the plane. A complaint about hotel pillows. A comment about a show or book either of you were into. Links to articles or posts she thought you’d like.
And you answered, but you didn't do the heavy conversational lifting the way you normally would.
Still, eventually she asked to meet and you didn't have it in you to deny her - or yourself - the opportunity.
The day came.
“Are you still free tonight?”
You raised your eyebrows in surprise and typed out a reply.
"Jess. You guys were down to 9 players. You played for 98 minutes. AND you just got back from Brazil the other day. You have got to be beyond exhausted. Yes, I'm free, but we can reschedule to another night, I imagine you need to focus on recovery."
"I don't mind. I'm okay! I'm good to hang out if you're still up for it."
You sighed. It was sweet. Yet infuriating in some way. You relented.
“Okay. If you’re sure.”
“Absolutely. On my way 👍“
You were tempted to call her a dork, but you held back. Affectionate teasing wasn’t quite back on the table yet.
When Jessie stood on the opposite side of the opened door giving you her best smile in greeting, it was obvious how taxing it was.
“Jess,” you said her name with tender chiding as your chest filled with a warm ache at the sight of her. There were bags under her eyes, her shoulders rounded and her smile betrayed her with how strained it was at the edges and in her jaw. “You should be resting,” you went on softly as you stepped aside.
“I’m honestly fine,” she assured you brightly as she entered your apartment and took of her shoes and training jacket. Her hair was messily tied up and still wet from her post-game shower. “I’ve had more gruesome games.”
You watched her with a discerning eye, but knew it was best to just let it go.
“Well, you were pretty incredible. You were everywhere on that pitch tonight. Player of the Match, no less,” you relayed with a sly smirk, knowing she’d roll her eyes at the title.
“Team effort,” she deflected and now you were the one to roll your eyes.
“Can I get you anything to drink, then?” You offered. She held up her water bottle with another winning smile.
“All good. Thanks,” she said before bending down and digging something out of her bag. “Here’s the card game I was telling you about.”
You took it from her with a growing smile and examined the box. You appreciated her finding it, bringing it, but you were preoccupied with her current state.
“That’s awesome. I’m curious to try it out soon,” you said, very purposely adding the modifier.
“Yeah, guess we still have our latest puzzle to finish up,” she said as she already began moving towards the table. You couldn’t help but notice that she moved a little slower; less easy.
You noted the silent exhale she released as she sat down; one she surely was trying to hide from you. Instead, she smiled up at you reassuringly again and began unrolling the puzzle.
You two debriefed her earlier match and then chatted idly for a while, catching up more completely than before.
“-what do you think?” You asked. You continued studying your pieces until her lack of response drew your attention upwards. She’d shifted, propping her elbow on the table and resting her head heavy in her palm as she stared a little glassy eyed at the pieces before her.
“Hey, do you want to watch a movie instead?” You asked.
Her eyes flicked up to yours, though a half second slower than you’d expect. She straightened, removing her head from her hand and frowning in renewed focus at the puzzle.
“Oh, um, doesn’t matter,” she replied with a feeble shrug. “I’m okay doing this too.”
“Let’s watch a movie,” you told her decisively with a reassuring smile. Despite that, she looked to you half-wounded, as if she’d let you down. You went on. “I saw [Movie] was available and I’ve been dying to watch it. Indulge me?”
She gave a slow smile and an eventual nod of assent.
“Sure.”
Puzzle quietly abandoned, you two moved to the couch and settled in as you put whatever movie caught your attention first. You hadn't actually had a movie in mind, you just wanted to give her a break.
You'd forced her to take the chaise on the couch despite her denials. You made some argument about if she wasn't going to follow her recovery routine, she could at least put her feet up. After some minor grumbling, she eventually gave in.
“Do you need anything?” You asked as the opening sequence played.
“Nope, I’m alright,” she assured you with a quick smile before adding a bit more pointedly. "You don't have to take care of me, you know."
"I'm not," you refuted.
You were. But she clearly had issues accepting that.
You awaited her protest, but she merely gave a sigh and readjusted in her spot slightly. Now you really knew she was tired.
You let the movie play and didn’t attempt to fill the space with additional commentary that you and Jessie may have normally sprinkled in.
It wasn’t long before you caught glimpses of her stifling yawns and shifting periodically, sitting up straight again and again before inevitably sinking back into a more comfortable position.
You tried not to stare, knowing she’d feel pressure to mask her exhaustion if she knew you were aware.
You just wanted her to rest. Honestly.
In time, a motion in your peripheral vision caught your attention anew. You subtly looked over.
She was nodding off. Chin dropping slightly then dropping altogether, before lifting once more with valiant effort.
You said nothing.
You should have been able to tell her to lie down, hand her the blanket off the back of the couch - whatever. But, God, you felt your frustration rising as you had to calculate every little action. For someone who was so easygoing and warm, she could be ridiculously skittish.
You looked back over and her eyes were closed and she was now fully asleep.
After several moments you inhaled a bit sharply, coming back to your senses. You should not be staring at her.
But she looked so peaceful. And soft. And sweet.
Not putting on a brave smile for you. Not forcing herself to chat or engage. Not performing - for you or for anyone else.
And while you'd felt irritated just a few minutes ago at having to navigate her so carefully. Seeing her here like this, your heart swelled. She deserved to rest. To just...be.
She worked so hard and pushed herself all the time. And her mind was always going 100 miles an hour even if she did her best to not show it. She was constantly composed and at her best for everyone and in everything she did.
It would be exhausting being her. And if she could rest, let her guard down for even a short while, in your presence, well, you were grateful.
She shifted slightly and you stiffened momentarily, holding very still as not to disturb her further. You looked over to see she'd merely curled into the couch a bit more, but was still asleep.
You watched her for a few moments, remaining motionless until you eventually committed to your next step. You gingerly reached behind you to grasp the blanket that was neatly folded on the back of the couch and opened it slowly before reaching over and very - very - carefully laying it on her.
You pulled back at a glacial speed, nearly grimacing at the fear that she'd wake.
She didn't.
You returned your attention to the movie, lowering the volume a couple of notches, but some part of you couldn't help but speculate.
She'd been making more of an effort recently. And now, she was very blatantly exhausted and drained. She was running on fumes, yet she'd insisted on coming over. You dared to reason - she'd used the last of her energy to be here, to see you.
Your mind began down a slippery slope and you halted it firmly.
Friend or not. Something more or not. It didn't matter. If she felt safe here, with you, then good.
There was nothing more to contemplate.
In time, the movie ended and you started a show with Jessie fast asleep a foot over from you. After a couple of episodes, you couldn't ignore how heavy your own eyelids felt and you looked over at the clock.
You needed to sleep, and you by no means wanted to kick Jessie out. You wanted her to continue sleeping. In fact, you wished you could wake her just enough to tell her to lay down properly, but you knew it probably wouldn't go that way.
Carefully, you turned off the TV and rose from the couch, keeping an eye on Jessie to see if she was stirring or not. Eventually, you'd dimmed the lights and put a spare pillow at the end of the couch.
You made sure her phone wasn't near enough to wake her when you texted.
"Stay. I don't want you heading out this late."
You quietly got ready for bed and retired to your room. You fell asleep trying not to think too much about the aching warmth in your chest.
When you woke early the next morning, the veil of drowsiness dissipated immediately as soon as you recalled the image of Jessie on your couch.
You reached over and checked your phone.
Nothing from her.
You rolled onto your back and listened for any sound in the apartment that would maybe indicate she was still here.
In time, you couldn't resist your curiosity and you got out of bed and tiptoed to your door, cracking it open. Your jaw legitimately dropped when you spotted Jessie fully laid out on the couch, curled up under the blanket and still fast asleep.
A small jolt of excitement - victory, even - went through you as you carefully closed the door once more. You swiftly quashed the feeling.
Wow. A friend was so fatigued they crashed on your couch. Alert the media.
This was getting ridiculous.
When you later heard rustling through your bedroom door, you'd already gotten changed and ready for the day. She was in the bathroom when you stepped out and went to the kitchen to start prepping breakfast.
You didn't make a big show of things when she emerged, instead continuing to fry up some eggs and prep a couple of avocados with toast. You heard her clear her throat lightly as she came up to the kitchen counter while your back was turned.
"Um, hey," she greeted tentatively, clearing her throat more prominently now before speaking stronger. "Morning."
You turned and offered her a smile. You made a point of not staring or scrutinizing, but though she still looked a bit tired, she looked far more rested than the night before.
"Good morning," you greeted before turning back to the stove. "Help yourself to some coffee," you offered with a quick gesture to the coffee machine.
You didn't hear her move right away, but eventually she made her way over with a quiet, "Thanks."
She was retrieving a mug out of the cupboard when she glanced briefly your way. "Do you, um, have one already?"
"Yeah, I'm good," you said warmly as you pointed to your half-filled mug on the counter. She nodded quickly, ducking her head and returning to the machine.
The kitchen was filled for an extended few moments with ambient sounds of the coffee machine whirring and eggs sizzling before you spoke up.
"I hope you managed to get at least a half decent sleep," you said lightly with a nod towards the couch. She stood facing the coffee machine still, eyes on the cupboards in front of her as she blew across the top of the mug and taking a careful sip. You decided to use eye contact sparingly with her until she was ready. "I know it's not the most comfortable couch, but hopefully it did the trick."
"Oh," she said as she turned around and faced the couch; still very much not looking at you. "Yeah, no, it was totally fine," she assured you.
She took another sip and grimaced at how hot it was, setting it down momentarily on the counter before picking it back up and holding it again.
"And, um, yeah," she started slow, letting out a brief, half-hearted laugh, "sorry about...last night." She scratched idly at her temple as she continued to look towards the couch.
"What do you mean?" You asked as you started to plate the food. This seemed to catch her attention and she turned towards you.
"Oh shit. I'm so sorry. Do you need me to do anything?" She asked as she peered around, clearly looking for a task.
"Jess. Relax." You chuckled as you handed her a plate.
She made a quick face, her shoulders falling with a faint exhale as she took it. She walked towards the table as you headed over as well.
"I'd say a did a pretty bang up job of relaxing," she muttered self-deprecatingly as her mouth turned up into a wry smirk. "Sorry," she went on, eyes dropping momentarily. "I wasn't very entertaining yesterday."
You sat down and shot her a scrutinizing look.
"I don't need you to be entertaining," you remarked simply.
She sat down and you caught the flash of a wince on her face.
"And for the record," you continued, "I find puzzling and lounging on the couch fairly entertaining."
"Yeah right," she disputed with a breathy laugh as she ate a mouthful. You chuckled.
"Wow, not even 8:30 in the morning and you're already insulting me by calling me boring," you teased.
"No," she corrected with a brief eye roll before giving you an imploring look. "I mean-" she took a moment before eventually shrugging and digging another forkful of food. "I just feel bad for coming over and just crashing."
"You don't need to feel bad," you countered lightly, but decisively. "It's okay to be tired. You had more than enough reason to be. And, honestly, even if you didn't - who cares. It's fine."
She shrugged before finally locking eyes with you. You held her stare and she eventually sighed before taking a swig of her coffee.
"Fuck, that's hot," she ground out with a wince that made you laugh.
"Careful," you laughed.
"Shit," she went on with a lingering laugh and a smile your direction. "I can't feel my tongue."
"Probably for the best. Can't taste my bad cooking, then," you said with a smirk. She narrowed her eyes at you.
"You're a good cook," she countered.
With breakfast eventually done and dishes put away, Jessie stood at the front door saying 'bye' to you.
"I definitely need recovery and treatment today," she said after an exaggerated groan from putting her shoes on.
"Yeah, try to take it easy today if you can," you said with a soft laugh. She remained in her spot for an extended moment and you forged on before you could think better of it.
"Thanks for spending the night." You felt a rush of heat over how much more earnest it sounded than you intended. "You know, for not bolting out of here in the middle of the night," you went on, eyes flicking to the wall and back.
She frowned briefly but chuckled. "I don't think I could've bolted anywhere last night," she said dryly. "Or now, as a matter of fact."
You nodded with a faint smile. Tension was starting to build again before she stepped forward with her arms open. You stepped into the embrace without thought.
It felt nice to be back in her arms, especially after the very intentional absence of your goodbye hug at the dinner. However, you couldn't control how you kept your arms a bit looser and you kept your gaze fixed on the wall. You didn't want to be thinking this hard about a freaking hug, but - you were - and you just couldn't quite relax.
There was a faint twisting sensation in your chest by the time you pulled back. It sharpened upon seeing the earnest expression on her face.
"Thanks. For letting me crash," she said.
"Anytime," you replied gently. She let out a faint scoff and gave a playful smile.
"I'll try not to make a habit of it," she insisted.
She didn't get it. The best part about last night was her finally letting go; dropping her defenses around you. But she didn't see it that way.
"I'll text you later," she promised as she opened the door. "Bye," she said with a wave.
---------
"Hey. I know we're supposed to hang out tonight, but can we take a raincheck?"
"Sure. No problem. How are you?"
"Guess you didn't see the match. It was brutal. Anyway. I'm just not good company tonight."
You exhaled as you read her message. You'd caught enough of it. She'd had a rough game. There was no denying it.
Poor passes, mistimed tackles, misread plays, and then she gave away the penalty that led to the eventual winner. She was substituted soon afterward, and the cameras caught her looking utterly stricken on the bench: jaw tight, elbows braced on her knees, hands clasped as she stared at her boots, barely responding to the teammates trying to speak to her.
If they'd won this game, the Shield would've been theirs. Unfortunately...it wasn't meant to be.
And you didn't have to know Jessie for as long as you had to know that she was wearing this squarely and solely on her shoulders even if it wasn't that simple.
"Which is fine. You don't have to be 'good' company."
You gave her a minute, but she didn't reply. You took the opportunity - poor choice or not - to reiterate.
"You don't have to talk about the game, you know. You don't have to talk at all if you don't want."
You busied yourself until her reply eventually came through.
"I know. I just need to be alone."
"I'm sorry."
You sighed. The issue wasn't that she wanted time alone. She was entitled to space, especially tonight.
It was the distinction you were beginning to see.
When she had been physically spent - too tired to keep her eyes open -she had still pushed to see you. She had made it through your door and, eventually, let herself rest.
But this was different. Tonight, she was not only tired. She was upset with herself in some way you could see but were not allowed close enough to understand.
Whatever she thought might happen if she let you see her like this, staying away apparently was better.
You had hoped the night on your couch meant she was beginning to let her guard down.
Maybe it had.
Just not while she was awake enough to uphold it.
"Okay," you said to yourself, letting the resignation set in.
"Don't be too hard on yourself."
"Get some rest, Jess."
"Thanks for understanding."
You set your phone down.
You understood enough to leave her alone.
You just wished she trusted you enough to let that understanding bring you closer instead.
Summary: Jessie slips back into your life with an ease and sweetness that makes it hard not to hope. But when someone mistakes your closeness for something more, Jessie’s reaction makes her silence harder to ignore.
Warnings: Angst.
A/N: Part one and Part two.
Flashback
“Hey, thanks for letting me come over.”
You exhaled and cocked your head at Jessie. You couldn't help but give her a withering, but faintly affectionate look.
“Jess."
You left it at that, her already giving you an unfortunately adorable and apologetic expression. You exhaled quietly and stepped aside to let her come in. You leaned against the wall as she began taking off her shoes.
You hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Things cooled a bit between you two during that period, but she'd been reaching out more, warming again, recently. To the point of asking to see you once she got back from Chicago.
She'd given a vague apology - busy, travel, exhaustion - and maybe it was true. It would be fair, but it just felt off. You knew there were times she'd text you even if she was falling asleep, so to go so minimal - always polite though, always civil - felt like...felt like a loss.
Still, you'd missed her. And again, you had no right to be hurt or to expect more. Just friends - you had to keep reminding yourself.
"Uh, here," Jessie announced, drawing you from your thoughts.
She stood before you, back straight, chin up with a half-nervous smile as she held out a gift bag to you.
"Oh," you said as your eyes shifted from her to the bag and back again. You tentatively stepped forward and retrieved the bag from her. You weren't expecting anything.
She stood quietly, watching you, and you took it as a hint to open the bag. You took out the tissue paper standing out of the top of the bag and moved over to your kitchen counter to set it down. Jessie followed you wordlessly.
You peered into the bag and a smile automatically crossed your face. You glanced over your shoulder briefly at her and she flashed you a smile of her own before you reached into the bag and pulled out a few small boxes.
"Jess-"
"-I know you like the original kind, but they released new seasonals so I thought you might like to try those, too," Jessie talked over you.
You turned the boxes over in your hands to examine them and gave her a steady look, though the corner of your mouth tugged upward.
"This is really generous, Jess-"
She was already shaking her head with a comical frown. "They're just treats."
"Yeah, sure, but I know you're on a tight schedule and you didn't have to get me anything," you explained calmly. "This better not be a Spain situation," you went on as you narrowed your eyes playfully at her.
She shook her head again. "No, no. We were in that area anyway. It was nothing."
You stared at her a moment longer before relenting. "Okay. As long as it was convenient," you insisted with an emerging smile. She grinned.
"Of course. Anyway - yeah, uh, those are for you," she went on, her hands clasped behind her back now.
"Well - thank you -" you emphasized as you held her gaze, "this is very thoughtful and sweet. I really appreciate it."
She gave a dismissive shrug. "You're welcome. Glad they're the right ones. I saw them and thought you'd talked about them at some point, but couldn't really remember. But it was nothing, really."
"Well," you held up the boxes as evidence, "it is something." You finished with a soft laugh. "Have you ever tried these?"
"No."
You opened the box and held it out to her. She held up her hand in mild protest.
"They're yours. You don't have to share," she said.
You gave her another look and held out the box further with a chuckle. "I've got enough to share."
She eyed you suspiciously for another moment before retrieving one and taking a small bite. You watched her as she chewed. And chewed. And gave you a smile and a thumbs up that was not remotely convincing. You legitimately laughed.
"Jess. You don't have to pretend to like them just because I like them," you assured her with a fond look. She made a show of swallowing her bite and her smile turned humourously forced.
"They're delicious," she feigned and you laughed again.
"Hey, this works in my favour. These are hard to find. So - more for me," you said haughtily and she chuckled.
"Thanks again," you said as you reached out and you two embraced in a hug. You hardly noticed as you instinctively tucked your head against hers. It just felt - good - being with her again.
When the hug ended, you noted her step back and how her hands went behind her back once more. She seemed rather interested in the plant on your table and rocked up onto the balls of her feet before dropping back down.
You should keep your mouth shut, but you were finding it harder and harder to do so.
"Feel like we haven't really talked in ages," you said, keeping your tone light. "Which is funny, because I guess it hasn't really been," you backtracked with a faint laugh.
She'd looked at you as you spoke, but shifted her gaze away as she began to respond, her hand coming up to the back of her neck.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that," she offered a bit slowly. "It's just been really hectic and intense lately."
She started into an extended explanation of training, team obligations, tournament preparation, fitness tests, and you eventually cut her off with what you hoped was a gentle smile.
"Hey, sorry, I wasn't trying to interrogate or anything. I know you're busy and you're juggling a lot. Things get intense for you - and that's totally fine," you offered a chuckle as you continued to reassure, "for the record, I have no problem with intense. I was just commenting. What I meant, I guess, was more like - it's good to see you again."
She exhaled inaudibly, her shoulders visibly relaxing and a slow smile formed on her face.
"Yeah, it's good to see you, too," she said. A beat passed and she went on. "So tell me, did you cave and work on the puzzle without me?"
It took you a second to map the shift in topic, but you released a laugh.
"How dare you accuse me of such moral weakness," you returned facetiously and her smile grew. You laughed once more and held out your arm in gesture towards to the table. "Shall we, then?"
Even if you went into today with lingering questions, maybe a desire to not be so open, as you sat next to her plugging away at the puzzle, catching up, joking again with one another, it was alarmingly easy to slip back into things with Jessie.
The afternoon carried on until the need for dinner was undeniable. After a quick discussion on what to eat, you collectively decided to walk to the nearby grocery store, pick up some ingredients and come back to cook together.
While at the grocery store, you two spontaneously decided it would be a good idea to bake blueberry muffins, which - by the time you were done dinner, done chatting, meant you were baking together at 8 o'clock at night.
And, of course, Jessie had to stay to taste test and to split the batch, and by then it was well into the night.
And yet, when you said goodbye to each other at the door, you still didn't want her to leave.
-------
"Hey, I saved you a seat. No rush - get here whenever you can."
You hardly noticed the soft smile on your face as you read Jessie's text. You replied.
"Thanks! I'm probably 10 min out. See you soon."
"Cool. We're in one of the rooms at the back. Take a right after you pass the host stand."
You followed Jessie's instructions once you entered the restaurant and made your way towards the room. You could hear boisterous, overlapping conversation and laughter as you approached the entryway.
You stepped in and were immediately spotted by the series of Jessie's teammates sitting with their back towards the wall. There were a couple of large tables in the room with Jessie's friends situated throughout. They waved at you cheerfully.
"Look who's here!"
Jessie had her back to the door, but immediately sat up straighter and turned towards the door. You locked eyes and she smiled broadly.
"Hey," she greeted as she reached to the chair next to her and pulled it out slightly. "Here."
"Thanks," you said as you approached, waving and saying 'hello' to the group along the way.
There was a pair you didn't recognize, but otherwise you knew everyone there.
And as you sat down, your mind pieced together that all of the people in attendance - coincidentally or not - happened to be couples.
Not you and Jessie though.
"So, how's your day been?"
Jessie's voice pulled you from you thoughts and you turned to her. You answered and the two of you shared a couple of quick updates before you were both drawn into larger conversation.
Eventually, a couple of servers came in, setting down various small plates across the tables. One server came up next to Jessie, setting down a plate.
"And you had the cauliflower bites over here, right?"
"Oh. Yeah. That'd be great," Jessie replied as she sat back to give the server room. "Thanks."
"I love those," you said as they were placed near you. Jessie wordlessly moved the dish closer to you with a concealed grin.
"Did you order those for me?" You asked with a scrutinizing look. She remained tight lipped and merely took a sip of her drink. "Jess," you admonished with less-than-successful seriousness before you nudged her with your shoulder. "That's sweet. Thank you."
"They're good," Jessie said casually with a shrug, though you caught the faint smirk on her lips.
The servers then started taking dinner orders and you shot Jessie a playfully wide-eyed look as you snatched up the menu. She laughed and leaned in, pointing to a couple of items.
"You might like these," she said before leaning in a touch more, enough that your arms were pressed against one another's, and pointed at another item. "There's also this if you don't like the other two. And, you know, the entire menu."
You had to admit your mind was a lot less on the menu and more focused on your proximity to her.
You were growing vaguely aware that you should speak sooner rather than later. You quietly cleared your throat and turned your head subtly to speak to her while others were giving their orders. She tilted her head in towards you to hear you better and you tried not to smile.
"What are you going to get?" You asked, reprimanding yourself mildly as you stumbled over your thoughts to get to that. She turned to speak closer to your ear, now, and you swallowed subconsciously.
"I think I'm just getting the gnocchi. You?"
You didn't put much thought into it, and truthfully, her recommendations sounded spot-on. You chose one of them and she pulled back with a smile.
With food eventually ordered, conversation began to flow once more. You felt a sweet tension in your chest and you couldn't resist smiling as you engaged with Jessie and her friends.
As the appetizers depleted and the group waited on dinner. People began to circulate around the room and chat with different folks. At some point, the pair you didn't recognize came and sat in the newly vacant seats across from you and Jessie.
They both extended their hands to you and introduced themselves and you did the same.
"It's been way too long since we've seen each other," Jessie said with a smile as she sat relaxed in her chair, hand casually wrapped around her drink. You tried not to think about how her knee brushed yours if either of you moved.
"I know! Sure you don't want to come play in the Bundesliga? You can play with us and Vanessa," Pernille said teasingly. Jessie laughed and you smiled naturally.
"You know, I'm good here," Jessie said with a smile you were trying hard not to stare at. She glanced your way.
You listened in as the three caught up, adding comments or questions in where appropriate. Eventually, attention turned to you.
"So, Fleming," Magda said, now leaning in conspiratorially as her eyes darted purposefully between Jessie and you. "Stop with all the mystery. Tell us everything. How long have you two been together? You know, Jessie's always been coy about dating, but-"
You were hardly processing the rest of what Magda was saying and instead could only really focus on your heart thumping loudly in your chest. You probably stared at her a moment too long already, but Jessie sitting up in her chair and moving her glass a few inches over on the table snapped you back into the moment.
"Oh," she started, with a smile moving into place a moment later as she released a small laugh and gave you a cursory glance. She frowned, eyes settling on her glass as she gave a couple of quick shakes of her head. "Oh, no, we're friends."
The sweetness that had been fluttering in your chest abruptly transformed into a sharp pain that twisted behind your ribs.
You felt your jaw tighten subconsciously and you did your best to not break your gaze or react. You swallowed again involuntarily and mustered up an expression you hoped looked easy and unbothered.
She let out another brief laugh and you two locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked at Magda and Pernille.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," Magda said, her expression - and Pernille's - showing obvious regret and embarrassment. "I just-"
"Don't worry about it," you interjected with a gracious smile as you ignored the lump that was forming in your throat. The more you all lingered on this, the more humiliating it felt and you weren't sure how much you could tolerate.
Some part of you was determined to assert your dignity and take ownership of the moment. You offered a gentle laugh and gestured pointedly to the couples around the table.
"I mean, fair assumption," you joked as you continued to smile at them.
Sparing any of them further, Pernille jumped in with a vaguely connected anecdote and eventually you felt your pulse calm. The ache in your chest and the knots in your stomach weren't as easy to settle though.
Dinner came and everyone returned to their seats. You mustered up a smile as Deyna and her partner sat down across from you once more. Not wishing to be further exposed, you started up conversation to eliminate any room for scrutiny.
Meanwhile, Jessie sat next to you, quiet and subdued. Her knee, that was brushed up against yours just minutes prior, no longer at risk of touching yours; same with her shoulder and arm. You valiantly banished the observations from your mind.
Maybe it was wishful thinking, but you swore you caught Jessie glancing at you out of the corner of her eye as everyone ate. Yet, she didn't say more than a word or two to you.
She still smiled, still responded when spoken to, but things were off now. Again, maybe you were reading into things, but to you, it felt like you could practically see the walls going up.
"How is it?" You asked as you glanced at her still half-full plate, Jessie pushing a piece of gnocchi around on the dish.
She seemed almost surprised, back straightening for a moment before her shoulders rounded out again and she absently pierced the piece with her fork.
"Yeah, it's good," she answered, though her eyes didn't leave the plate. It took her a moment before she glanced at you. Your chest twinged at the effort it seemed to take her to do it. "How's yours?"
"Fine," you responded, voice still friendly enough, though you felt suddenly deflated. You swallowed and looked to her briefly before adding. "The beets are really good."
You saw her try to smile and she glanced your way. "Good."
In time, the plates were cleared, more drinks were ordered and people began to disburse around the room again. You took the small opening you had.
"Hey," you said under your breath as you leaned toward her, albeit nothing like earlier this evening. She held her hands clasped firmly in her lap though she did tilt her head down in another way of indicating she was listening. You bit back a sigh. "Are you okay?"
A frown creased her forehead as she glanced your way. "Yeah. I'm good."
Frustration began to creep up within you, but you tried to tamp it down. She returned her attention to her near-empty drink.
"Is this about what Magda said earlier?"
Your heart beat heavy in your chest once again as the words left your mouth, but you held your eyes steady on her. Her head snapped towards you, that frown still on her face.
"What?" She asked, looking maybe offended - maybe just confused - and your stomach dropped. You pulled back slightly and her expression softened. "What?" She asked again, gentler. "No." Her gaze fell to the ground before returning to yours and away again. She shrugged and drained her drink. "I'm just kind of tired."
Your eyes remained on her as you struggled with what to do or say next. What to feel.
She solved it for you as she stood up out of her chair. She stretched, looking around the room.
"Ugh. I've been sitting for too long. I'm gonna run to the bathroom - I'll be back," she announced with a fleeting glance your way.
You watched her walk away, disappointment seeping throughout your body before you forced yourself to snap out of it.
Truthfully, you envisioned yourself just grabbing your things and leaving, but you refused to be chased out so abruptly or to draw attention to yourself in that way. Instead, you looked around the room and grabbed your glass before settling in across from Mac and Reilyn.
When Jessie returned, you refused to look her direction though you caught her looking your way before returning to her chair though that part of the table had mostly emptied out.
"So, how were your treats?"
"Hm?" You asked, eyebrows raised before giving a quick shake of your head. "Sorry, what?"
"How were your cross-city confections?" Mac asked with a mischievous grin.
"Uh..." You narrowed your eyes at her in consideration and she and Reilyn both laughed.
"You know, the boxes of treats that Jessie took two trains and a bus to get," Reilyn explained playfully matter-of-fact.
"Yeah, and nearly dislocated my elbow she snatched the bag away from me so quickly when I tried to grab a box," Mac laughed. "Then she pointedly ignored me the rest of the evening."
"Huh?" You asked, that low level ache in your torso replaced suddenly by confusion as you leaned in slightly. "She said you guys were already in that area."
"'Area'," Reilyn said sarcastically with air quotes. "City, sure."
You looked between them as you processed what they were sharing with you.
It should have made you feel special. An hour ago, it probably would have.
You reminded yourself to respond.
"Oh. Well, yeah, they were great," you managed with a smile.
Mac was still nearly doubled over in laughter about the whole thing before Reilyn waved her hands excitedly and launched into a new story.
You feigned following along, but your gaze drifted towards Jessie, catching her politely nodding as she listened to conversation at her table, but seemed distracted by the condensation on her glass and whatever was on her phone. You had to make sure not to let your eyes linger on her for too long.
So, now what. She - evidently - went very much out of her way to get those treats. And things were going good again. Hell, just an hour ago you two were nearly cuddled up together at the table, smiling and chatting and - it just felt right.
And now, she would hardly talk or look at you.
But it wasn't about the comment earlier. Evidently.
You made a point of trying to make the most of the evening, but you couldn't rid yourself of the heaviness that had descended upon things. You didn't want to be here. It wasn't about her friends - they were great - it was everything else.
Did she know it was couples only when she invited you? Or did she not know? Did something else about the night cause her to withdraw? Was it the question? Or was she really just tired? She went halfway across Chicago to get you some silly snacks you liked. Maybe there was something else she wanted to do in that area - she liked taking photos, she liked checking out random places - who knows. Did it mean anything?
You circulated the room. Jessie did too, to a lesser degree, but at no point did she come over to you.
You felt drained all over again.
Once it was socially acceptable to leave, you graciously excused yourself from your current conversation, said your goodbyes and went to gather up your things.
"You're leaving?"
You nearly paused upon hearing Jessie's voice behind you. You finished gathering your things and turned to face her. She was standing casually with her hands in her pockets.
"Yeah. It's been a long day," you said, offering a thin, but polite smile.
She looked away the way she did when she was thinking. She shrugged a shoulder idly. "Do you want me to-"
"No," you cut her off gently. "I'm okay. Stay. Have fun," you finished lightly, trying to control your breath.
She quieted and gave a couple of small nods, gaze falling to the floor.
"Okay. Well. Text me when you get home," she said, returning her eyes to yours. You held steady and gave a nod.
"Yep. Sounds good," you accepted. You side-stepped her. "Night."
You caught her turning to keep her eyes on you as you walked on.
"Night."
------
You were getting ready to get into bed and still hadn't texted Jessie. You didn't see the point in rushing.
Your phone lit up.
"Home safe?"
"Yeah. Sorry. Just been settling in."
"No need to apologize. Glad you made it home safe."
You sighed and locked your phone, setting it on your nightstand as you got under the blankets. Your body felt heavy and you rubbed your eyes.
Your phone buzzed again.
"Thanks for coming tonight."
You watched as the three dots lit up in sequence on your screen. You waited.
"Sorry if anything was awkward tonight."
Seriously?
You huffed in disbelief. You wanted to lock your phone and toss it on the bed. Sometimes you weren't sure what was worse. Her apologies or her silence.
Your thoughts and feelings clashed back and forth and you eventually responded.
Summary: You and Jessie are friends. But more and more, you wonder how something so sweet can feel so uncertain, and why Jessie keeps reaching for you only to retreat.
Warnings: Slight angst.
A/N: The story continues. Part one here.
"Fine. We'll tell you."
"Really?" Harper asked in hopeful disbelief as she sat forward eagerly.
Jessie shot her daughter a look and exhaled wearily already.
"Don't make me regret this," she said and you stifled a laugh next to her.
"I don't know, Momma. Sounds like this is your opportunity to set the record straight," Ky offered cheekily, drawing a slight grimace out of Jessie.
"Sure,” Jessie said flatly with a lingering frown. “Or incriminate myself further. Who knows.”
"It's okay, babe. We're all fine now," you assured her, though you still wore a hint of a teasing smile.
"Thankfully," Jessie continued in the same tone, slouching further in her chair and planting her feet firmly on the ground, arms crossed.
"Hey yeah, we haven't talked about that in so long - where do you think you'd be if we didn't get together?" You asked with bright curiosity, and immediately had to swallow a snort of a laugh at the bewildered and tired look Jessie gave you.
"Right. A talk for another time," you relented and she gave you an affectionate eyeroll before grabbing your hand and pulling it onto her lap. You smiled, your eyes lingering on her for an extra moment before you cleared your throat subtly and looked back to the girls.
"Okay," you started anew. "Where to begin..."
------
Flashback
You sat at your coffee table and ignored the faint tightness in your chest as you subtly looked over your shoulder towards your front door. Your eyes fell to Jessie's bags that were neatly lined up against the wall, ready to go.
Your eyes panned towards the clock and that familiar pull in the pit of your stomach started up again.
You turned back to face Jessie and all of the tension that had started to fester inside of you settled almost immediately. She sat hunched over the table, resting her chin between her thumb and forefinger and wore the most serious, adorable frown on her face as she scrutinized the puzzle in front of you both.
It took you a moment longer than it should've for you to find your words.
"Not that I'm trying to get rid of you, but don't you need to be leaving? Your flight's at 2:20, right?"
Jessie's frown deepened momentarily before she looked up at you doe eyed.
"Hm?" Her expression cleared and she glanced down at her watch. She studied it for a couple of seconds before giving a shrug. "Mm, it's okay. Security won't be too bad."
You frowned, unconvinced. She used to give herself more of a buffer. And Jessie was someone who didn't like to be late or have to rush.
"You sure? I mean, it's nice that you got to stop by this morning, but I don't want you to be late," you offered. She simply returned her attention to the puzzle pieces she'd arranged neatly in front of her.
"It's okay. I'm not worried," she said casually before picking up a piece and setting into place. She lit up and looked immediately to you with a bright smile. "Got one."
You laughed. "Well I'm glad one of us is having luck."
"It's not luck," she said as she scanned the pieces before her.
"Right. Miss Methodical. Miss I-like-math-and-systems.”
"It's called 'focus',” she remarked deliberately with a hint of a smirk.
"Ah, of course. A foreign concept to me,” you quipped.
Her eyes continued to scan the puzzle and she replied. “I mean, considering how many pieces you placed today…possibly.”
“Wow,” you said, mockingly affronted. “So we’re keeping count now.”
“I’m just tracking progress,” she refuted simply with a wry glance your way. Her eyes snapped back down as soon as they locked with yours, missing your smile at the banter.
“Uh huh. And here I am - distracting you."
Jessie sat up a bit straighter though her eyes didn't leave the puzzle. The edges of her mouth tightened just so and she fidgeted momentarily before clearing her throat.
"I don't mind," she said after a moment passed, tone simple and light. Her eyes still didn’t leave the table as she picked up a piece and held it overtop, but with no clear plan for placement.
A small twinge went through you before you rallied. You smirked and reached out to give her a playful nudge on the shoulder.
"You're supposed to say I'm not distracting," you teased.
A cheeky smile crossed her face and she finally looked up at you, relinquishing the piece back to the others. "Well either way, it clearly hasn't stalled my progress, so..."
You gave her a scandalized look, hand to your chest. She chuckled.
"Wow. The disrespect," you remarked, smile growing at seeing her own.
Her smile quieted as she sat back in her chair and placed her hands on her thighs. She exhaled and checked her watch once more.
"I guess you're right. Not exactly giving myself a lot of leeway," she relented.
She sighed once more and stood, grabbing her empty glass and reaching for yours but pausing, turning towards you, “Are you done?”
“Oh. Yeah,” you responded after a moment’s delay and she grabbed your glass and headed to the dishwasher. “Hey. I could’ve done that,” you told her.
She shrugged as she placed the glassware into the top rack and spoke casually, “No problem. Least I can do.”
You gave her a withering look. “We’ve been over this. Just relax. I don't need you to do anything. You-” you nearly stumbled over your words, the lack of definition leaving the options too open-ended, “can make yourself at home.”
“And I’d clean up after myself at home, too,” Jessie said decisively as she walked back over. “I don’t want to impose,” she tacked on in a somewhat exaggerated way. She was probably trying to deflect with humour, but you didn’t fully believe the air of sarcasm.
“You’re not imposing,” you corrected calmly, seeking her gaze, but she’d started arranging all of the stray puzzle pieces strategically on the roll-up mat, eyes set on the task at hand.
You let out a faint chuckle, allowing the corner of your mouth to turn up subtly. “Believe it or not, if I thought you were a pain or didn’t like you, I wouldn’t invite you over.”
She rewarded you with a soft chuckle as she began to carefully roll up the mat.
Your pulse began to quicken as your mind debated back and forth before you forced your concerns aside and simply spoke.
“I want you here.”
Her movements stilled so briefly that by the time you blinked she’d continued. You wondered if you imagined it.
What you didn’t have to wonder about? Her lack of acknowledgment beyond a tight-lipped smile and a cursory glance.
Your stomach twisted faintly as you tried not to fidget or think too much. You distractedly began tidying up other things as she set the cleaned up puzzle aside in its usual spot.
"You can't work on it until I'm back,” she said as she finally turned to you with a teasing smirk.
The coiling inside of you relaxed some.
"No touching the puzzle. Got it. I know the rules," you agreed as you held up a hand in innocence.
She paused, her smirk fading and her shoulders dropped a touch. You could visibly see her suddenly - unnecessarily - second-guessing herself. "I mean, well, it's yours, and it's your place, so - you're obviously allowed to do whatever you want. But-"
You held up a hand again with a laugh. "Jess. We're good. You're my puzzle partner - I'm not touching it until you're back. I won't even be tempted," you assured her jokingly. Warmth flared in your chest at the relieved look that crossed her face. One you could tell she was at least partially trying to hide.
You two began to walk to the door together, your shoulders brushing briefly as you entered the hall. You felt the need to speak.
"And a reminder - you bought that puzzle. So, it's actually yours."
"Well, it lives here, and possession is nine-tenths of the law, so," she trailed off as she slipped on her shoes and reached for her backpack.
"Honestly," you half-glowered, half-pleaded as she swung the bag over her shoulder. She looked back in a mix of confusion and concern. You glanced down to her shoes. "It's none of my business. But. I would feel better if you tied your shoes."
She stared at you wordlessly for a moment before the corner of her mouth turned up in a lopsided grin.
"Okay, mom," she said flatly though she leaned down and tied her laces with no further protest.
You felt heat rush up your neck to your cheeks. You held back an embarrassed groan.
Mom? Yeah. That's exactly how you wanted her to think of you.
"Yikes," you deadpanned. "Making sure you catch your flight. Making sure you tie your shoes. I'll tone it down," you finished with a slightly forced laugh. She gave you a small smile and a quick shrug after a moment’s contemplation.
"I don't mind," she said once more.
You did your best to muster up an easy smile, but managed nothing more than a closed-lipped one with wavering eye contact as you folded your arms against your chest.
"Okay. Well. Glad to know you won’t suffer a shoelace-related mishap.” You managed to joke and she chuckled softly.
You looked at one another for an extended moment and you filled the impending awkwardness with what felt logical.
“I hope you have a good flight.” You tried not to scrutinize the stiffness in your delivery.
She gave a nod and pushed her hands into her pockets. "Thanks," she said before giving a shrug, her gaze falling to the baseboards of your wall. “It’ll be fine.”
You two stood before each other, intermittently staring at the other to looking anywhere but at one another.
You deflated internally. Things always got weird before she left town. Some times more than others.
The energy between you that felt so calm and easy sometimes felt anything but. And it was like this more and more. It was like there was so much beneath the surface, so much to say, more to do, but neither of you had the guts to poke at whatever it was.
You’d known Jessie for, God, nearly a year now. You met through a friend of a friend. Hit it off one night at an event neither of you wanted to be at.
A couple of book and coffee recommendations had turned into a few follow-up texts. Those turned into idle, yet slow conversation. Into a tentative invite to a market. To more texts - deeper conversations, funnier conversations - to more hang outs.
More ease. More warmth.
To her suddenly being a near constant, somehow intertwined in your life. Cheerful or humorous morning texts, updates, good night texts. Seeing each other during her down time. Making a point of seeing you before hitting the road. Scheduling catch ups before she was back.
You loved it. You loved-
No. No. Not going there yet.
You guys were just friends.
And that was the issue.
It didn’t feel like friends. It didn’t feel casual. It didn’t feel light in the sense friendships do. So much of it felt like there was another layer, more weight, more meaning, behind it.
And yet, you’d never kissed. Never held hands. Did you sit too close to one another on the couch? Stand unnecessarily close to each other when you scrutinized something together at a store? Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes. At least in your humble opinion.
But anytime you thought you had boundaries figured out, she'd back off. Next time you hung out, hell, sometimes even 5 minutes later, she'd sit stiffly a foot apart from you. Or if you brushed against each other she'd practically recoil.
You just couldn't figure it out.
Never mind comparisons. She hugged her friends all the time. Leaned into them in pictures. Brushed against them when she was in a good mood and animated about something.
The truth was, she did those things a lot less with you.
And there was the fact that she’d never said a thing beyond friendship to you. Yes, you two bantered all the time, something you were inclined to read as flirtation sometimes, but she was dry and sarcastic with her teammates too.
Your stomach sank.
And this wasn’t like you. You weren’t used to feeling like this. Second-guessing. Conducting thesis-level analysis over the most mundane things. Pining.
"Hey, uh, I downloaded that book you told me about. I'll start reading it on the plane."
Her comment drew you out of your thoughts.
As much as you wanted to keep talking, the fact that she was running late hovered in the back of your mind.
“Oh,” you said, coming back to and allowing yourself a receptive smile. “Okay. Can’t wait for another one of Jessie’s Judgements.”
She scoffed with a playful eyeroll. “Well, your recommendations have rarely let me down, so…I think you’re safe.”
You wanted to build off of what she said, but, she should really go.
“Glad to hear it,” you accepted with a lingering smile before playfully tapping your wrist in gesture. "Time," you stated.
"Right," she nodded with a small laugh. She brought a hand up to her mouth and quietly cleared her throat as she seemed momentarily transfixed on the wall. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
“And we’re still on for Sunday?” She asked, finally looking back at you, sounding nonchalant but with eyebrows raised.
You frowned briefly before your mind caught up. “Oh yeah. Of course.”
"Alright. Cool," she said as she idly rubbed the back of her neck, eyes still anywhere but yours before digging her hands back into her pockets. "Guess I better go." She mindlessly tapped the toe of her shoe against the rug. "I'll text."
You couldn't help but let out a breath of a laugh. It was all so awkward.
"Sounds good. Don't worry, okay? I know you're busy. If you can text, great, but it's all good," you reassured, not for the first time, with a small laugh. "We'll connect when you're back."
You saw her exhale through her nose, her shoulders relaxing and she soon straightened with a small smile.
"Kay. I'll see you later, then," she said. A brief second of indecision seems to take hold of you both before you simultaneously stepped forward into a hug.
Today, the hug lasted longer than it probably should have. When you finally pulled away, you strongly suspected your cheeks were flushed. Your only solace was that Jessie's cheeks seemed a bit redder than usual, too.
She remained rooted to her spot for a second longer, before swiftly grabbing her luggage and giving you a nod.
"Alright. Thanks again for letting me swing by-"
"Jess," you admonished with a laugh. It was so absurd. She gave a sheepish grin.
"-I'll see you Sunday."
She stepped through the door and gave you an adorable wave that you returned with a chuckle.
"Bye."
"Bye, Jess. Have a good flight."
When you closed the door behind her, you braced your hands against the door and exhaled as you leaned into it with your weight, your head eventually resting against it. You shook your head slowly.
You didn't understand how you could feel so charged and so drained all at once.
Before you could scrutinize too much, you made yourself take a deep breath and you busied yourself around the apartment to settle your nerves.
You checked your phone to see a missed text from your best friend. You responded.
"Hey. Sorry. Jess just left."
"Uh huh. I figured that's what was distracting you. So. Dare I ask. Any progress?"
Your shoulders rounded out as you felt yourself deflate.
"No."
You paused. Unsure of what else to say. You knew [y/best friend] was losing patience with this whole situation. To which you'd respond with, 'Imagine how I feel??’
"She was being weird and quiet again. Well, her version of weird and quiet lol."
"Surprise."
"Hey. Don't be mean."
"Sorry. You know I'm half joking. The whole thing's just mind boggling. This woman stocks your favourite drinks and snacks at her apartment, half-lives at your apartment now in her down time, is honest to God sweeter and more attentive than actual girlfriends or boyfriends I know, but won't define anything or be direct."
"I know. Believe me."
"She’s sweet. She's nice. Don't get me wrong. But she's a coward."
You frowned as a pang went through you upon reading the message. You felt protective of Jessie, and yet, it hurt.
"Or. You know. She’s just a really genuinely thoughtful and sweet person who doesn't like me as more than a friend. She develops deep friendships. And maybe that’s all this is. And I'm just reading into things like some narcissistic idiot."
"This is not that. And you are certainly not a narcissistic idiot in any sense. And the fact that she makes you even ponder that makes me want to dislike her."
"[Y/best friend's name]. Please. This is hard enough. I don't need you taking up arms on my behalf."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just been like a freakin' year and I don't like seeing my friend strung along. But I hear you! I'll let it go. For today lol."
You sighed. Were you being strung along? You didn't even know anymore.
Still. Throughout the rest of the day, you heard from Jessie.
"Made it through security. Shoes tied and everything."
"Also started the book. I’m saving judgment until chapter three, but so far you’re safe."
"I'm finally wrapped up for the day, just back in the hotel room getting ready for bed. How was your dinner?"
It was like that, you two texting back and forth when you could, over the next few days.
Until Sunday.
"Hey [Y/N]. I really hate to do this, but I need to cancel our plans for this afternoon. My flight's been delayed and it's looking like we'll miss our connection on top of that. I'll be lucky if I make it home today at all."
"I'm really sorry. I hate flaking out like this."
Your heart dropped a bit, but you mostly just felt badly that she was dealing with all of that. Of course it would've been nice to see her today, but there was always another time.
"Hey, no need to apologize. These things happen. And it's entirely out of your control. I highly doubt you want to spend your entire day in airports."
"I'm sorry you're dealing with all of those delays. That's gotta be frustrating. I trust Reilyn and co have plentiful games and such to keep you all occupied. Maybe this is the universe telling you to finish your crochet project 😂"
"Still."
"Haha. Yeah, we always find a way to stay occupied. Thanks for being understanding."
You frowned, slightly amused at your phone.
"It's honestly no problem, Jess. I understand travel complications."
"And hey, this is a good chance for me to run some errands I didn't get around to yesterday. If you do happen to make it home today and still want to hang out though, just shoot me a text."
You stared at the text after you sent it. Did it sound too desperate? She'd come over after late flights. So this wasn't weird, right?
"Thanks. I won't make you wait around for me though. We'll just see each other another time."
A brief pang went through your chest at the response, but you tried to not read into it. You chewed your bottom lip and texted again. Any inkling that you were being pathetic and over-available, was recrafted in your mind: you didn't like games. You liked being direct and clear, and - she was your friend...or something... - there shouldn't be a need for mental gymnastics.
"You mentioned that gallery opening later this week. Want to check that out?"
You stared at your phone waiting for the three little dots to come up again. You switched to another app as you waited. You switched back a while later - still nothing.
She was probably just busy. The team wrangled her into something or maybe there was an update about her flight.
With a sigh, you went on with your newly open day.
You hated how you practically felt your chest fill with anticipation any time your phone vibrated.
Eventually, it was her name on your screen.
"Maybe. I'm not really sure what my week is looking like right now. I don't want to say 'yes' if I'll just have to bail."
Your chest constricted faintly again. You almost started texting back right away, but your thumb stalled over the keyboard and you tucked your phone in your back pocket.
No games, huh? You scolded yourself internally and texted back sooner than you intended.
"All good. I know your schedule changes - I don't mind, honestly, mine does too, sometimes. Regardless, we'll play it by ear."
"Cool. Thanks."
Your stomach dipped at the minimal reply.
You put your phone away. Her message didn't exactly invite continued conversation, and quite frankly, you felt you'd put yourself out there enough today.
Eventually, you were winding down and getting ready for bed. You hadn't heard anything more from Jessie. No travel updates today, apparently.
You were lying in bed and gave in, checking Insta. You saw stories from Mac and few others. You opened them and that pit of disappointment in your stomach grew.
They'd gotten home a couple of hours ago. Meaning, Jessie was home and hadn't even texted you.
You closed your eyes and grit your teeth.
So what? She didn't owe you an update. Why should she keep you posted? You weren't her girlfriend.
You. Weren't. Her. Girlfriend.
You exhaled brusquely and turned onto your side, abruptly turning out the light on your nightstand and setting your phone down with a louder-than-necessary thud.
You needed to get some sleep. You'd feel better in the morning.
Except, when you woke up, you still didn't have a message from Jessie.
Which meant you had to admit - on some level - that without that, you didn't feel better.
She was being distant. Again.
You wouldn't say you waited all day for her to text, but in time, you eventually sent her a message.
"Hope you made it back okay."
"Hey. Yeah, thanks. Got in super late. Your day's been okay?"
It was better than nothing. But it was slow. And it was off. It wasn't like her usual texts to you.
The gallery opening came and went without further acknowledgement and before you knew it, you were seeing glimpses of Jessie on the admin account boarding another plane out of town for another game.
Summary: Jessie slips back into your life with an ease and sweetness that makes it hard not to hope. But when someone mistakes your closeness for something more, Jessie’s reaction makes her silence harder to ignore.
Warnings: Angst.
A/N: Part one and Part two.
Flashback
“Hey, thanks for letting me come over.”
You exhaled and cocked your head at Jessie. You couldn't help but give her a withering, but faintly affectionate look.
“Jess."
You left it at that, her already giving you an unfortunately adorable and apologetic expression. You exhaled quietly and stepped aside to let her come in. You leaned against the wall as she began taking off her shoes.
You hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. Things cooled a bit between you two during that period, but she'd been reaching out more, warming again, recently. To the point of asking to see you once she got back from Chicago.
She'd given a vague apology - busy, travel, exhaustion - and maybe it was true. It would be fair, but it just felt off. You knew there were times she'd text you even if she was falling asleep, so to go so minimal - always polite though, always civil - felt like...felt like a loss.
Still, you'd missed her. And again, you had no right to be hurt or to expect more. Just friends - you had to keep reminding yourself.
"Uh, here," Jessie announced, drawing you from your thoughts.
She stood before you, back straight, chin up with a half-nervous smile as she held out a gift bag to you.
"Oh," you said as your eyes shifted from her to the bag and back again. You tentatively stepped forward and retrieved the bag from her. You weren't expecting anything.
She stood quietly, watching you, and you took it as a hint to open the bag. You took out the tissue paper standing out of the top of the bag and moved over to your kitchen counter to set it down. Jessie followed you wordlessly.
You peered into the bag and a smile automatically crossed your face. You glanced over your shoulder briefly at her and she flashed you a smile of her own before you reached into the bag and pulled out a few small boxes.
"Jess-"
"-I know you like the original kind, but they released new seasonals so I thought you might like to try those, too," Jessie talked over you.
You turned the boxes over in your hands to examine them and gave her a steady look, though the corner of your mouth tugged upward.
"This is really generous, Jess-"
She was already shaking her head with a comical frown. "They're just treats."
"Yeah, sure, but I know you're on a tight schedule and you didn't have to get me anything," you explained calmly. "This better not be a Spain situation," you went on as you narrowed your eyes playfully at her.
She shook her head again. "No, no. We were in that area anyway. It was nothing."
You stared at her a moment longer before relenting. "Okay. As long as it was convenient," you insisted with an emerging smile. She grinned.
"Of course. Anyway - yeah, uh, those are for you," she went on, her hands clasped behind her back now.
"Well - thank you -" you emphasized as you held her gaze, "this is very thoughtful and sweet. I really appreciate it."
She gave a dismissive shrug. "You're welcome. Glad they're the right ones. I saw them and thought you'd talked about them at some point, but couldn't really remember. But it was nothing, really."
"Well," you held up the boxes as evidence, "it is something." You finished with a soft laugh. "Have you ever tried these?"
"No."
You opened the box and held it out to her. She held up her hand in mild protest.
"They're yours. You don't have to share," she said.
You gave her another look and held out the box further with a chuckle. "I've got enough to share."
She eyed you suspiciously for another moment before retrieving one and taking a small bite. You watched her as she chewed. And chewed. And gave you a smile and a thumbs up that was not remotely convincing. You legitimately laughed.
"Jess. You don't have to pretend to like them just because I like them," you assured her with a fond look. She made a show of swallowing her bite and her smile turned humourously forced.
"They're delicious," she feigned and you laughed again.
"Hey, this works in my favour. These are hard to find. So - more for me," you said haughtily and she chuckled.
"Thanks again," you said as you reached out and you two embraced in a hug. You hardly noticed as you instinctively tucked your head against hers. It just felt - good - being with her again.
When the hug ended, you noted her step back and how her hands went behind her back once more. She seemed rather interested in the plant on your table and rocked up onto the balls of her feet before dropping back down.
You should keep your mouth shut, but you were finding it harder and harder to do so.
"Feel like we haven't really talked in ages," you said, keeping your tone light. "Which is funny, because I guess it hasn't really been," you backtracked with a faint laugh.
She'd looked at you as you spoke, but shifted her gaze away as she began to respond, her hand coming up to the back of her neck.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that," she offered a bit slowly. "It's just been really hectic and intense lately."
She started into an extended explanation of training, team obligations, tournament preparation, fitness tests, and you eventually cut her off with what you hoped was a gentle smile.
"Hey, sorry, I wasn't trying to interrogate or anything. I know you're busy and you're juggling a lot. Things get intense for you - and that's totally fine," you offered a chuckle as you continued to reassure, "for the record, I have no problem with intense. I was just commenting. What I meant, I guess, was more like - it's good to see you again."
She exhaled inaudibly, her shoulders visibly relaxing and a slow smile formed on her face.
"Yeah, it's good to see you, too," she said. A beat passed and she went on. "So tell me, did you cave and work on the puzzle without me?"
It took you a second to map the shift in topic, but you released a laugh.
"How dare you accuse me of such moral weakness," you returned facetiously and her smile grew. You laughed once more and held out your arm in gesture towards to the table. "Shall we, then?"
Even if you went into today with lingering questions, maybe a desire to not be so open, as you sat next to her plugging away at the puzzle, catching up, joking again with one another, it was alarmingly easy to slip back into things with Jessie.
The afternoon carried on until the need for dinner was undeniable. After a quick discussion on what to eat, you collectively decided to walk to the nearby grocery store, pick up some ingredients and come back to cook together.
While at the grocery store, you two spontaneously decided it would be a good idea to bake blueberry muffins, which - by the time you were done dinner, done chatting, meant you were baking together at 8 o'clock at night.
And, of course, Jessie had to stay to taste test and to split the batch, and by then it was well into the night.
And yet, when you said goodbye to each other at the door, you still didn't want her to leave.
-------
"Hey, I saved you a seat. No rush - get here whenever you can."
You hardly noticed the soft smile on your face as you read Jessie's text. You replied.
"Thanks! I'm probably 10 min out. See you soon."
"Cool. We're in one of the rooms at the back. Take a right after you pass the host stand."
You followed Jessie's instructions once you entered the restaurant and made your way towards the room. You could hear boisterous, overlapping conversation and laughter as you approached the entryway.
You stepped in and were immediately spotted by the series of Jessie's teammates sitting with their back towards the wall. There were a couple of large tables in the room with Jessie's friends situated throughout. They waved at you cheerfully.
"Look who's here!"
Jessie had her back to the door, but immediately sat up straighter and turned towards the door. You locked eyes and she smiled broadly.
"Hey," she greeted as she reached to the chair next to her and pulled it out slightly. "Here."
"Thanks," you said as you approached, waving and saying 'hello' to the group along the way.
There was a pair you didn't recognize, but otherwise you knew everyone there.
And as you sat down, your mind pieced together that all of the people in attendance - coincidentally or not - happened to be couples.
Not you and Jessie though.
"So, how's your day been?"
Jessie's voice pulled you from you thoughts and you turned to her. You answered and the two of you shared a couple of quick updates before you were both drawn into larger conversation.
Eventually, a couple of servers came in, setting down various small plates across the tables. One server came up next to Jessie, setting down a plate.
"And you had the cauliflower bites over here, right?"
"Oh. Yeah. That'd be great," Jessie replied as she sat back to give the server room. "Thanks."
"I love those," you said as they were placed near you. Jessie wordlessly moved the dish closer to you with a concealed grin.
"Did you order those for me?" You asked with a scrutinizing look. She remained tight lipped and merely took a sip of her drink. "Jess," you admonished with less-than-successful seriousness before you nudged her with your shoulder. "That's sweet. Thank you."
"They're good," Jessie said casually with a shrug, though you caught the faint smirk on her lips.
The servers then started taking dinner orders and you shot Jessie a playfully wide-eyed look as you snatched up the menu. She laughed and leaned in, pointing to a couple of items.
"You might like these," she said before leaning in a touch more, enough that your arms were pressed against one another's, and pointed at another item. "There's also this if you don't like the other two. And, you know, the entire menu."
You had to admit your mind was a lot less on the menu and more focused on your proximity to her.
You were growing vaguely aware that you should speak sooner rather than later. You quietly cleared your throat and turned your head subtly to speak to her while others were giving their orders. She tilted her head in towards you to hear you better and you tried not to smile.
"What are you going to get?" You asked, reprimanding yourself mildly as you stumbled over your thoughts to get to that. She turned to speak closer to your ear, now, and you swallowed subconsciously.
"I think I'm just getting the gnocchi. You?"
You didn't put much thought into it, and truthfully, her recommendations sounded spot-on. You chose one of them and she pulled back with a smile.
With food eventually ordered, conversation began to flow once more. You felt a sweet tension in your chest and you couldn't resist smiling as you engaged with Jessie and her friends.
As the appetizers depleted and the group waited on dinner. People began to circulate around the room and chat with different folks. At some point, the pair you didn't recognize came and sat in the newly vacant seats across from you and Jessie.
They both extended their hands to you and introduced themselves and you did the same.
"It's been way too long since we've seen each other," Jessie said with a smile as she sat relaxed in her chair, hand casually wrapped around her drink. You tried not to think about how her knee brushed yours if either of you moved.
"I know! Sure you don't want to come play in the Bundesliga? You can play with us and Vanessa," Pernille said teasingly. Jessie laughed and you smiled naturally.
"You know, I'm good here," Jessie said with a smile you were trying hard not to stare at. She glanced your way.
You listened in as the three caught up, adding comments or questions in where appropriate. Eventually, attention turned to you.
"So, Fleming," Magda said, now leaning in conspiratorially as her eyes darted purposefully between Jessie and you. "Stop with all the mystery. Tell us everything. How long have you two been together? You know, Jessie's always been coy about dating, but-"
You were hardly processing the rest of what Magda was saying and instead could only really focus on your heart thumping loudly in your chest. You probably stared at her a moment too long already, but Jessie sitting up in her chair and moving her glass a few inches over on the table snapped you back into the moment.
"Oh," she started, with a smile moving into place a moment later as she released a small laugh and gave you a cursory glance. She frowned, eyes settling on her glass as she gave a couple of quick shakes of her head. "Oh, no, we're friends."
The sweetness that had been fluttering in your chest abruptly transformed into a sharp pain that twisted behind your ribs.
You felt your jaw tighten subconsciously and you did your best to not break your gaze or react. You swallowed again involuntarily and mustered up an expression you hoped looked easy and unbothered.
She let out another brief laugh and you two locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked at Magda and Pernille.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," Magda said, her expression - and Pernille's - showing obvious regret and embarrassment. "I just-"
"Don't worry about it," you interjected with a gracious smile as you ignored the lump that was forming in your throat. The more you all lingered on this, the more humiliating it felt and you weren't sure how much you could tolerate.
Some part of you was determined to assert your dignity and take ownership of the moment. You offered a gentle laugh and gestured pointedly to the couples around the table.
"I mean, fair assumption," you joked as you continued to smile at them.
Sparing any of them further, Pernille jumped in with a vaguely connected anecdote and eventually you felt your pulse calm. The ache in your chest and the knots in your stomach weren't as easy to settle though.
Dinner came and everyone returned to their seats. You mustered up a smile as Deyna and her partner sat down across from you once more. Not wishing to be further exposed, you started up conversation to eliminate any room for scrutiny.
Meanwhile, Jessie sat next to you, quiet and subdued. Her knee, that was brushed up against yours just minutes prior, no longer at risk of touching yours; same with her shoulder and arm. You valiantly banished the observations from your mind.
Maybe it was wishful thinking, but you swore you caught Jessie glancing at you out of the corner of her eye as everyone ate. Yet, she didn't say more than a word or two to you.
She still smiled, still responded when spoken to, but things were off now. Again, maybe you were reading into things, but to you, it felt like you could practically see the walls going up.
"How is it?" You asked as you glanced at her still half-full plate, Jessie pushing a piece of gnocchi around on the dish.
She seemed almost surprised, back straightening for a moment before her shoulders rounded out again and she absently pierced the piece with her fork.
"Yeah, it's good," she answered, though her eyes didn't leave the plate. It took her a moment before she glanced at you. Your chest twinged at the effort it seemed to take her to do it. "How's yours?"
"Fine," you responded, voice still friendly enough, though you felt suddenly deflated. You swallowed and looked to her briefly before adding. "The beets are really good."
You saw her try to smile and she glanced your way. "Good."
In time, the plates were cleared, more drinks were ordered and people began to disburse around the room again. You took the small opening you had.
"Hey," you said under your breath as you leaned toward her, albeit nothing like earlier this evening. She held her hands clasped firmly in her lap though she did tilt her head down in another way of indicating she was listening. You bit back a sigh. "Are you okay?"
A frown creased her forehead as she glanced your way. "Yeah. I'm good."
Frustration began to creep up within you, but you tried to tamp it down. She returned her attention to her near-empty drink.
"Is this about what Magda said earlier?"
Your heart beat heavy in your chest once again as the words left your mouth, but you held your eyes steady on her. Her head snapped towards you, that frown still on her face.
"What?" She asked, looking maybe offended - maybe just confused - and your stomach dropped. You pulled back slightly and her expression softened. "What?" She asked again, gentler. "No." Her gaze fell to the ground before returning to yours and away again. She shrugged and drained her drink. "I'm just kind of tired."
Your eyes remained on her as you struggled with what to do or say next. What to feel.
She solved it for you as she stood up out of her chair. She stretched, looking around the room.
"Ugh. I've been sitting for too long. I'm gonna run to the bathroom - I'll be back," she announced with a fleeting glance your way.
You watched her walk away, disappointment seeping throughout your body before you forced yourself to snap out of it.
Truthfully, you envisioned yourself just grabbing your things and leaving, but you refused to be chased out so abruptly or to draw attention to yourself in that way. Instead, you looked around the room and grabbed your glass before settling in across from Mac and Reilyn.
When Jessie returned, you refused to look her direction though you caught her looking your way before returning to her chair though that part of the table had mostly emptied out.
"So, how were your treats?"
"Hm?" You asked, eyebrows raised before giving a quick shake of your head. "Sorry, what?"
"How were your cross-city confections?" Mac asked with a mischievous grin.
"Uh..." You narrowed your eyes at her in consideration and she and Reilyn both laughed.
"You know, the boxes of treats that Jessie took two trains and a bus to get," Reilyn explained playfully matter-of-fact.
"Yeah, and nearly dislocated my elbow she snatched the bag away from me so quickly when I tried to grab a box," Mac laughed. "Then she pointedly ignored me the rest of the evening."
"Huh?" You asked, that low level ache in your torso replaced suddenly by confusion as you leaned in slightly. "She said you guys were already in that area."
"'Area'," Reilyn said sarcastically with air quotes. "City, sure."
You looked between them as you processed what they were sharing with you.
It should have made you feel special. An hour ago, it probably would have.
You reminded yourself to respond.
"Oh. Well, yeah, they were great," you managed with a smile.
Mac was still nearly doubled over in laughter about the whole thing before Reilyn waved her hands excitedly and launched into a new story.
You feigned following along, but your gaze drifted towards Jessie, catching her politely nodding as she listened to conversation at her table, but seemed distracted by the condensation on her glass and whatever was on her phone. You had to make sure not to let your eyes linger on her for too long.
So, now what. She - evidently - went very much out of her way to get those treats. And things were going good again. Hell, just an hour ago you two were nearly cuddled up together at the table, smiling and chatting and - it just felt right.
And now, she would hardly talk or look at you.
But it wasn't about the comment earlier. Evidently.
You made a point of trying to make the most of the evening, but you couldn't rid yourself of the heaviness that had descended upon things. You didn't want to be here. It wasn't about her friends - they were great - it was everything else.
Did she know it was couples only when she invited you? Or did she not know? Did something else about the night cause her to withdraw? Was it the question? Or was she really just tired? She went halfway across Chicago to get you some silly snacks you liked. Maybe there was something else she wanted to do in that area - she liked taking photos, she liked checking out random places - who knows. Did it mean anything?
You circulated the room. Jessie did too, to a lesser degree, but at no point did she come over to you.
You felt drained all over again.
Once it was socially acceptable to leave, you graciously excused yourself from your current conversation, said your goodbyes and went to gather up your things.
"You're leaving?"
You nearly paused upon hearing Jessie's voice behind you. You finished gathering your things and turned to face her. She was standing casually with her hands in her pockets.
"Yeah. It's been a long day," you said, offering a thin, but polite smile.
She looked away the way she did when she was thinking. She shrugged a shoulder idly. "Do you want me to-"
"No," you cut her off gently. "I'm okay. Stay. Have fun," you finished lightly, trying to control your breath.
She quieted and gave a couple of small nods, gaze falling to the floor.
"Okay. Well. Text me when you get home," she said, returning her eyes to yours. You held steady and gave a nod.
"Yep. Sounds good," you accepted. You side-stepped her. "Night."
You caught her turning to keep her eyes on you as you walked on.
"Night."
------
You were getting ready to get into bed and still hadn't texted Jessie. You didn't see the point in rushing.
Your phone lit up.
"Home safe?"
"Yeah. Sorry. Just been settling in."
"No need to apologize. Glad you made it home safe."
You sighed and locked your phone, setting it on your nightstand as you got under the blankets. Your body felt heavy and you rubbed your eyes.
Your phone buzzed again.
"Thanks for coming tonight."
You watched as the three dots lit up in sequence on your screen. You waited.
"Sorry if anything was awkward tonight."
Seriously?
You huffed in disbelief. You wanted to lock your phone and toss it on the bed. Sometimes you weren't sure what was worse. Her apologies or her silence.
Your thoughts and feelings clashed back and forth and you eventually responded.
Summary: You and Jessie are friends. But more and more, you wonder how something so sweet can feel so uncertain, and why Jessie keeps reaching for you only to retreat.
Warnings: Slight angst.
A/N: The story continues. Part one here.
"Fine. We'll tell you."
"Really?" Harper asked in hopeful disbelief as she sat forward eagerly.
Jessie shot her daughter a look and exhaled wearily already.
"Don't make me regret this," she said and you stifled a laugh next to her.
"I don't know, Momma. Sounds like this is your opportunity to set the record straight," Ky offered cheekily, drawing a slight grimace out of Jessie.
"Sure,” Jessie said flatly with a lingering frown. “Or incriminate myself further. Who knows.”
"It's okay, babe. We're all fine now," you assured her, though you still wore a hint of a teasing smile.
"Thankfully," Jessie continued in the same tone, slouching further in her chair and planting her feet firmly on the ground, arms crossed.
"Hey yeah, we haven't talked about that in so long - where do you think you'd be if we didn't get together?" You asked with bright curiosity, and immediately had to swallow a snort of a laugh at the bewildered and tired look Jessie gave you.
"Right. A talk for another time," you relented and she gave you an affectionate eyeroll before grabbing your hand and pulling it onto her lap. You smiled, your eyes lingering on her for an extra moment before you cleared your throat subtly and looked back to the girls.
"Okay," you started anew. "Where to begin..."
------
Flashback
You sat at your coffee table and ignored the faint tightness in your chest as you subtly looked over your shoulder towards your front door. Your eyes fell to Jessie's bags that were neatly lined up against the wall, ready to go.
Your eyes panned towards the clock and that familiar pull in the pit of your stomach started up again.
You turned back to face Jessie and all of the tension that had started to fester inside of you settled almost immediately. She sat hunched over the table, resting her chin between her thumb and forefinger and wore the most serious, adorable frown on her face as she scrutinized the puzzle in front of you both.
It took you a moment longer than it should've for you to find your words.
"Not that I'm trying to get rid of you, but don't you need to be leaving? Your flight's at 2:20, right?"
Jessie's frown deepened momentarily before she looked up at you doe eyed.
"Hm?" Her expression cleared and she glanced down at her watch. She studied it for a couple of seconds before giving a shrug. "Mm, it's okay. Security won't be too bad."
You frowned, unconvinced. She used to give herself more of a buffer. And Jessie was someone who didn't like to be late or have to rush.
"You sure? I mean, it's nice that you got to stop by this morning, but I don't want you to be late," you offered. She simply returned her attention to the puzzle pieces she'd arranged neatly in front of her.
"It's okay. I'm not worried," she said casually before picking up a piece and setting into place. She lit up and looked immediately to you with a bright smile. "Got one."
You laughed. "Well I'm glad one of us is having luck."
"It's not luck," she said as she scanned the pieces before her.
"Right. Miss Methodical. Miss I-like-math-and-systems.”
"It's called 'focus',” she remarked deliberately with a hint of a smirk.
"Ah, of course. A foreign concept to me,” you quipped.
Her eyes continued to scan the puzzle and she replied. “I mean, considering how many pieces you placed today…possibly.”
“Wow,” you said, mockingly affronted. “So we’re keeping count now.”
“I’m just tracking progress,” she refuted simply with a wry glance your way. Her eyes snapped back down as soon as they locked with yours, missing your smile at the banter.
“Uh huh. And here I am - distracting you."
Jessie sat up a bit straighter though her eyes didn't leave the puzzle. The edges of her mouth tightened just so and she fidgeted momentarily before clearing her throat.
"I don't mind," she said after a moment passed, tone simple and light. Her eyes still didn’t leave the table as she picked up a piece and held it overtop, but with no clear plan for placement.
A small twinge went through you before you rallied. You smirked and reached out to give her a playful nudge on the shoulder.
"You're supposed to say I'm not distracting," you teased.
A cheeky smile crossed her face and she finally looked up at you, relinquishing the piece back to the others. "Well either way, it clearly hasn't stalled my progress, so..."
You gave her a scandalized look, hand to your chest. She chuckled.
"Wow. The disrespect," you remarked, smile growing at seeing her own.
Her smile quieted as she sat back in her chair and placed her hands on her thighs. She exhaled and checked her watch once more.
"I guess you're right. Not exactly giving myself a lot of leeway," she relented.
She sighed once more and stood, grabbing her empty glass and reaching for yours but pausing, turning towards you, “Are you done?”
“Oh. Yeah,” you responded after a moment’s delay and she grabbed your glass and headed to the dishwasher. “Hey. I could’ve done that,” you told her.
She shrugged as she placed the glassware into the top rack and spoke casually, “No problem. Least I can do.”
You gave her a withering look. “We’ve been over this. Just relax. I don't need you to do anything. You-” you nearly stumbled over your words, the lack of definition leaving the options too open-ended, “can make yourself at home.”
“And I’d clean up after myself at home, too,” Jessie said decisively as she walked back over. “I don’t want to impose,” she tacked on in a somewhat exaggerated way. She was probably trying to deflect with humour, but you didn’t fully believe the air of sarcasm.
“You’re not imposing,” you corrected calmly, seeking her gaze, but she’d started arranging all of the stray puzzle pieces strategically on the roll-up mat, eyes set on the task at hand.
You let out a faint chuckle, allowing the corner of your mouth to turn up subtly. “Believe it or not, if I thought you were a pain or didn’t like you, I wouldn’t invite you over.”
She rewarded you with a soft chuckle as she began to carefully roll up the mat.
Your pulse began to quicken as your mind debated back and forth before you forced your concerns aside and simply spoke.
“I want you here.”
Her movements stilled so briefly that by the time you blinked she’d continued. You wondered if you imagined it.
What you didn’t have to wonder about? Her lack of acknowledgment beyond a tight-lipped smile and a cursory glance.
Your stomach twisted faintly as you tried not to fidget or think too much. You distractedly began tidying up other things as she set the cleaned up puzzle aside in its usual spot.
"You can't work on it until I'm back,” she said as she finally turned to you with a teasing smirk.
The coiling inside of you relaxed some.
"No touching the puzzle. Got it. I know the rules," you agreed as you held up a hand in innocence.
She paused, her smirk fading and her shoulders dropped a touch. You could visibly see her suddenly - unnecessarily - second-guessing herself. "I mean, well, it's yours, and it's your place, so - you're obviously allowed to do whatever you want. But-"
You held up a hand again with a laugh. "Jess. We're good. You're my puzzle partner - I'm not touching it until you're back. I won't even be tempted," you assured her jokingly. Warmth flared in your chest at the relieved look that crossed her face. One you could tell she was at least partially trying to hide.
You two began to walk to the door together, your shoulders brushing briefly as you entered the hall. You felt the need to speak.
"And a reminder - you bought that puzzle. So, it's actually yours."
"Well, it lives here, and possession is nine-tenths of the law, so," she trailed off as she slipped on her shoes and reached for her backpack.
"Honestly," you half-glowered, half-pleaded as she swung the bag over her shoulder. She looked back in a mix of confusion and concern. You glanced down to her shoes. "It's none of my business. But. I would feel better if you tied your shoes."
She stared at you wordlessly for a moment before the corner of her mouth turned up in a lopsided grin.
"Okay, mom," she said flatly though she leaned down and tied her laces with no further protest.
You felt heat rush up your neck to your cheeks. You held back an embarrassed groan.
Mom? Yeah. That's exactly how you wanted her to think of you.
"Yikes," you deadpanned. "Making sure you catch your flight. Making sure you tie your shoes. I'll tone it down," you finished with a slightly forced laugh. She gave you a small smile and a quick shrug after a moment’s contemplation.
"I don't mind," she said once more.
You did your best to muster up an easy smile, but managed nothing more than a closed-lipped one with wavering eye contact as you folded your arms against your chest.
"Okay. Well. Glad to know you won’t suffer a shoelace-related mishap.” You managed to joke and she chuckled softly.
You looked at one another for an extended moment and you filled the impending awkwardness with what felt logical.
“I hope you have a good flight.” You tried not to scrutinize the stiffness in your delivery.
She gave a nod and pushed her hands into her pockets. "Thanks," she said before giving a shrug, her gaze falling to the baseboards of your wall. “It’ll be fine.”
You two stood before each other, intermittently staring at the other to looking anywhere but at one another.
You deflated internally. Things always got weird before she left town. Some times more than others.
The energy between you that felt so calm and easy sometimes felt anything but. And it was like this more and more. It was like there was so much beneath the surface, so much to say, more to do, but neither of you had the guts to poke at whatever it was.
You’d known Jessie for, God, nearly a year now. You met through a friend of a friend. Hit it off one night at an event neither of you wanted to be at.
A couple of book and coffee recommendations had turned into a few follow-up texts. Those turned into idle, yet slow conversation. Into a tentative invite to a market. To more texts - deeper conversations, funnier conversations - to more hang outs.
More ease. More warmth.
To her suddenly being a near constant, somehow intertwined in your life. Cheerful or humorous morning texts, updates, good night texts. Seeing each other during her down time. Making a point of seeing you before hitting the road. Scheduling catch ups before she was back.
You loved it. You loved-
No. No. Not going there yet.
You guys were just friends.
And that was the issue.
It didn’t feel like friends. It didn’t feel casual. It didn’t feel light in the sense friendships do. So much of it felt like there was another layer, more weight, more meaning, behind it.
And yet, you’d never kissed. Never held hands. Did you sit too close to one another on the couch? Stand unnecessarily close to each other when you scrutinized something together at a store? Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes. At least in your humble opinion.
But anytime you thought you had boundaries figured out, she'd back off. Next time you hung out, hell, sometimes even 5 minutes later, she'd sit stiffly a foot apart from you. Or if you brushed against each other she'd practically recoil.
You just couldn't figure it out.
Never mind comparisons. She hugged her friends all the time. Leaned into them in pictures. Brushed against them when she was in a good mood and animated about something.
The truth was, she did those things a lot less with you.
And there was the fact that she’d never said a thing beyond friendship to you. Yes, you two bantered all the time, something you were inclined to read as flirtation sometimes, but she was dry and sarcastic with her teammates too.
Your stomach sank.
And this wasn’t like you. You weren’t used to feeling like this. Second-guessing. Conducting thesis-level analysis over the most mundane things. Pining.
"Hey, uh, I downloaded that book you told me about. I'll start reading it on the plane."
Her comment drew you out of your thoughts.
As much as you wanted to keep talking, the fact that she was running late hovered in the back of your mind.
“Oh,” you said, coming back to and allowing yourself a receptive smile. “Okay. Can’t wait for another one of Jessie’s Judgements.”
She scoffed with a playful eyeroll. “Well, your recommendations have rarely let me down, so…I think you’re safe.”
You wanted to build off of what she said, but, she should really go.
“Glad to hear it,” you accepted with a lingering smile before playfully tapping your wrist in gesture. "Time," you stated.
"Right," she nodded with a small laugh. She brought a hand up to her mouth and quietly cleared her throat as she seemed momentarily transfixed on the wall. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
“And we’re still on for Sunday?” She asked, finally looking back at you, sounding nonchalant but with eyebrows raised.
You frowned briefly before your mind caught up. “Oh yeah. Of course.”
"Alright. Cool," she said as she idly rubbed the back of her neck, eyes still anywhere but yours before digging her hands back into her pockets. "Guess I better go." She mindlessly tapped the toe of her shoe against the rug. "I'll text."
You couldn't help but let out a breath of a laugh. It was all so awkward.
"Sounds good. Don't worry, okay? I know you're busy. If you can text, great, but it's all good," you reassured, not for the first time, with a small laugh. "We'll connect when you're back."
You saw her exhale through her nose, her shoulders relaxing and she soon straightened with a small smile.
"Kay. I'll see you later, then," she said. A brief second of indecision seems to take hold of you both before you simultaneously stepped forward into a hug.
Today, the hug lasted longer than it probably should have. When you finally pulled away, you strongly suspected your cheeks were flushed. Your only solace was that Jessie's cheeks seemed a bit redder than usual, too.
She remained rooted to her spot for a second longer, before swiftly grabbing her luggage and giving you a nod.
"Alright. Thanks again for letting me swing by-"
"Jess," you admonished with a laugh. It was so absurd. She gave a sheepish grin.
"-I'll see you Sunday."
She stepped through the door and gave you an adorable wave that you returned with a chuckle.
"Bye."
"Bye, Jess. Have a good flight."
When you closed the door behind her, you braced your hands against the door and exhaled as you leaned into it with your weight, your head eventually resting against it. You shook your head slowly.
You didn't understand how you could feel so charged and so drained all at once.
Before you could scrutinize too much, you made yourself take a deep breath and you busied yourself around the apartment to settle your nerves.
You checked your phone to see a missed text from your best friend. You responded.
"Hey. Sorry. Jess just left."
"Uh huh. I figured that's what was distracting you. So. Dare I ask. Any progress?"
Your shoulders rounded out as you felt yourself deflate.
"No."
You paused. Unsure of what else to say. You knew [y/best friend] was losing patience with this whole situation. To which you'd respond with, 'Imagine how I feel??’
"She was being weird and quiet again. Well, her version of weird and quiet lol."
"Surprise."
"Hey. Don't be mean."
"Sorry. You know I'm half joking. The whole thing's just mind boggling. This woman stocks your favourite drinks and snacks at her apartment, half-lives at your apartment now in her down time, is honest to God sweeter and more attentive than actual girlfriends or boyfriends I know, but won't define anything or be direct."
"I know. Believe me."
"She’s sweet. She's nice. Don't get me wrong. But she's a coward."
You frowned as a pang went through you upon reading the message. You felt protective of Jessie, and yet, it hurt.
"Or. You know. She’s just a really genuinely thoughtful and sweet person who doesn't like me as more than a friend. She develops deep friendships. And maybe that’s all this is. And I'm just reading into things like some narcissistic idiot."
"This is not that. And you are certainly not a narcissistic idiot in any sense. And the fact that she makes you even ponder that makes me want to dislike her."
"[Y/best friend's name]. Please. This is hard enough. I don't need you taking up arms on my behalf."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just been like a freakin' year and I don't like seeing my friend strung along. But I hear you! I'll let it go. For today lol."
You sighed. Were you being strung along? You didn't even know anymore.
Still. Throughout the rest of the day, you heard from Jessie.
"Made it through security. Shoes tied and everything."
"Also started the book. I’m saving judgment until chapter three, but so far you’re safe."
"I'm finally wrapped up for the day, just back in the hotel room getting ready for bed. How was your dinner?"
It was like that, you two texting back and forth when you could, over the next few days.
Until Sunday.
"Hey [Y/N]. I really hate to do this, but I need to cancel our plans for this afternoon. My flight's been delayed and it's looking like we'll miss our connection on top of that. I'll be lucky if I make it home today at all."
"I'm really sorry. I hate flaking out like this."
Your heart dropped a bit, but you mostly just felt badly that she was dealing with all of that. Of course it would've been nice to see her today, but there was always another time.
"Hey, no need to apologize. These things happen. And it's entirely out of your control. I highly doubt you want to spend your entire day in airports."
"I'm sorry you're dealing with all of those delays. That's gotta be frustrating. I trust Reilyn and co have plentiful games and such to keep you all occupied. Maybe this is the universe telling you to finish your crochet project 😂"
"Still."
"Haha. Yeah, we always find a way to stay occupied. Thanks for being understanding."
You frowned, slightly amused at your phone.
"It's honestly no problem, Jess. I understand travel complications."
"And hey, this is a good chance for me to run some errands I didn't get around to yesterday. If you do happen to make it home today and still want to hang out though, just shoot me a text."
You stared at the text after you sent it. Did it sound too desperate? She'd come over after late flights. So this wasn't weird, right?
"Thanks. I won't make you wait around for me though. We'll just see each other another time."
A brief pang went through your chest at the response, but you tried to not read into it. You chewed your bottom lip and texted again. Any inkling that you were being pathetic and over-available, was recrafted in your mind: you didn't like games. You liked being direct and clear, and - she was your friend...or something... - there shouldn't be a need for mental gymnastics.
"You mentioned that gallery opening later this week. Want to check that out?"
You stared at your phone waiting for the three little dots to come up again. You switched to another app as you waited. You switched back a while later - still nothing.
She was probably just busy. The team wrangled her into something or maybe there was an update about her flight.
With a sigh, you went on with your newly open day.
You hated how you practically felt your chest fill with anticipation any time your phone vibrated.
Eventually, it was her name on your screen.
"Maybe. I'm not really sure what my week is looking like right now. I don't want to say 'yes' if I'll just have to bail."
Your chest constricted faintly again. You almost started texting back right away, but your thumb stalled over the keyboard and you tucked your phone in your back pocket.
No games, huh? You scolded yourself internally and texted back sooner than you intended.
"All good. I know your schedule changes - I don't mind, honestly, mine does too, sometimes. Regardless, we'll play it by ear."
"Cool. Thanks."
Your stomach dipped at the minimal reply.
You put your phone away. Her message didn't exactly invite continued conversation, and quite frankly, you felt you'd put yourself out there enough today.
Eventually, you were winding down and getting ready for bed. You hadn't heard anything more from Jessie. No travel updates today, apparently.
You were lying in bed and gave in, checking Insta. You saw stories from Mac and few others. You opened them and that pit of disappointment in your stomach grew.
They'd gotten home a couple of hours ago. Meaning, Jessie was home and hadn't even texted you.
You closed your eyes and grit your teeth.
So what? She didn't owe you an update. Why should she keep you posted? You weren't her girlfriend.
You. Weren't. Her. Girlfriend.
You exhaled brusquely and turned onto your side, abruptly turning out the light on your nightstand and setting your phone down with a louder-than-necessary thud.
You needed to get some sleep. You'd feel better in the morning.
Except, when you woke up, you still didn't have a message from Jessie.
Which meant you had to admit - on some level - that without that, you didn't feel better.
She was being distant. Again.
You wouldn't say you waited all day for her to text, but in time, you eventually sent her a message.
"Hope you made it back okay."
"Hey. Yeah, thanks. Got in super late. Your day's been okay?"
It was better than nothing. But it was slow. And it was off. It wasn't like her usual texts to you.
The gallery opening came and went without further acknowledgement and before you knew it, you were seeing glimpses of Jessie on the admin account boarding another plane out of town for another game.
contents: breeding kink, slapping, degradation, police officer kink (?), strap being called cock, public sex, mentions of getting caught, mentions of being recorded.
Officer Ellie was on routine patrol near the club where you told her you were going out with friends to celebrate Dina's birthday.
This wasn't her usual route, but she couldn't resist; she needed to make sure you were okay.
Officer Ellie who the moment she saw you leaving the club, with your tiny skirt, hair messy from dancing, and face flushed from alcohol, couldn't help but honk at you, whistling and looking you up and down.
You didn't see it was Ellie, as the window was only half-open, and the colorful streetlights didn't help at all. You gave her the middle finger and yelled a loud, clear "fuck off."
Dina and your friends grabbed your hands and rolled their eyes at the patrol car before giving it the middle finger too and turning to leave.
Officer Ellie couldn't contain her laughter; she giggled inside the patrol car before rolling down the window completely and whistling again to get your attention.
You turned around angrily, yelling, “I already told you to fuck off—” You stopped mid-sentence when you saw your girlfriend’s smile even in the poor lighting.
A small “oh” escaped your lips with a smile.
Officer Ellie took her time opening the patrol car door and getting out. She slammed the door before walking over to you.
Ellie stopped in front of you and said, “I’m afraid this is contempt of court, and I’m sorry to say, pretty lady, but this is a crime.”
Her smirk was so wide it made your panties wet. Ellie winked at you before turning you around, grabbing your wrists, and handcuffing you.
Officer Ellie laughed along with your friends when you looked at her in disbelief.
Dina looked at you with a wide grin before saying, “Looks like someone will get the bratty attitude fuck off them tonight.”
She laughed loudly with your friends when she looked at your shocked face. And then, you cursed her.
“Oh honey, I’m afraid this will be considered slander. Another crime for your list. We’re foul-mouthed tonight, aren’t we?”
Your friends couldn’t help but keep staring and laughing while Ellie guided you to the police car, throwing you into the back seat before closing the door and turning back to your friends,
“Goodnight ladies, enjoy the rest of your night consciously.”
Officer Ellie drove to an empty alley and pulled you out of the car, using the handcuffs to guide you to the front, bending you over the car hood.
“Ellie, I'm sorry baby, I didn't see it was you” you say, joining in on her act.
She pushes you against the car, crouch pressing against your ass – and you can already feel her strap – and one hand holding you by the cuffs while the other one grabs your chin harshly and turns it to face her.
“That's too bad honey, and too late.” Ellie lifts your mini skirt to be met with your wetness past your panties, dripping down your thighs. she lets out a loud laugh
“Looks like someone's into cuffs and all this police act. Is this a new kink babe? It's actually comical.”
Your face heats up, but you can't lie, you love when she talks to you like that. Your pulsing hole proves it.
You can feel the strap still inside her uniform pants pressing against your core, you're wetting all of her uniform.
Ellie lands a slap on your ass without warning smack! then another and another.
When she's finished, your skin burns as if it was on fire. “Ellie please…” you drag out the words. Your girlfriend tsked behind you.
“Uh-uh, that's not how you're supposed to call me tonight” she lands another slap on your ass.
“Officer, please. I'll be good, I promise” your voice is high pitched as if you were about to cry.
You actually are about to cry if she doesn't fuck you already.
You can hear the shuffles behind you when ellie starts pulling her uniform pants down. You look over your shoulder to see her taking the gun out of the holster and putting it on the ground, between her feet so if someone appears, they wouldn't be able to get to it.
Your cheek is pressed against the cold surface of the car hood, but all the uncomfortable feeling goes away the moment she starts slapping your pussy with the head of the strap.
You can't help but drag out a long moan, whispering her name in that tone that you know she can't resist.
“You really want it, don't you?” she keeps on playing with your pussy, never entering where you need her the most.
“I really do, officer Ellie. Please, fill me up.”
That was all it took for Ellie to push the strap inside you all at once, mercilessly. The stretch burned in the best way possible, your pussy adjusting to it and letting wet sounds out.
“Imagine if someone shows up, hm? Seeing a pretty slut being fucked by a office, in public. What would they think of you? A slut fucking her way out of trouble.” she said bending over you, using your hair to press your cheek against the car harder.
Ellie bites your neck, leaving a tooth mark on your soft skin. It almost drew blood.
“Ahh- Ellie… officer please! Please harder, faster!” you almost screamed in pleasure when Ellie started pounding into you so hard you saw stars.
Your moans started to be louder, if someone walked close, they would hear your whines for more.
“Imagine someone walking on us and recording it all, babe. Posting it on porn platform. You'd be a porn star, hm?” your started drooling on the car, it was embarrassing, really. But you don't mind, the pleasure was too much for you to care about the mess your making.
The strap hits all the sweet parts of your drooling pussy. The wet sounds were so loud, too nasty.
You feel the knot in your stomach tightening. You know you're close, and Ellie knows that too. She can feel your pussy tightening around her cock.
“Officer Ellie, I'm so so close.”
“i know babe, I know.” Ellie was so fast, your body started to move harshly against the car, your cheek burning from the pressure and harshness. The squelch sounds were so good, you couldn't take it.
Your pussy tightening to its maximum, juices spilling everywhere. The white cream dripping into your thighs.
“That's it baby, cum for me. Gonna put a fucking babe inside you.”
Oh god.
Your body trembled so hard it looked like you were having a seizure. The waves passed through you in the sweetest way.
Ellie took the strap out of your dripping hole and put her digits inside, trapping your cum inside your poor pussy.
“Gonna let it inside, have to make sure you get pregnant”
summary: she’ll do anything to make you hers, you just want to see some good fucking tennis
content warning: long ass oneshot, toxic yuri, nsfw, smut, switch!ellie, switch!reader, years of gay yearning, reader is mean af, i don’t know ANYTHING about tennis even after about 100 google searches and this is probably super unrealistic but honestly idc anymore
notes: inspired by this ask! this was supposed to be pure filth but i kept making it angsty… anyways this took forever because i kept rewriting it lmao I HOPE U LOVE IT <3 feedback is always appreciated, my ask is always open for a chat
word count: 9.5k ♡ find more of my writing here
The ocean waves crashed along the shore, drowning out the music from the party you escaped from. A whole party for you, thrown by the brands that sponsored you. You sat alone under the moonlight in the cold sand, still in your party dress. Your heels discarded and tossed aside. Funny how no one notices you’re missing when the whole night is supposedly about you.
A voice behind you makes you jump. “I— I watched you play today. You were like… insane out there.” Her tone is unsure and nervous.
You put a hand on your chest, startled. You turn around to a familiar sight that you’re quite pleased about, despite coming down to the beach for some alone time. “Jeez— you scared me.”
Her hands fly up in defense, like she just got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. “God— I’m sorry. I’m just a really big fan and— my name’s Ellie. Ellie Williams. I played yesterday. Don’t know if you saw…” She puts a hand out to shake yours.
The handshake is awkward and uncomfortable. “I know who you are.” You say, smugly. The truth is, after recently watching her in the qualifiers, you couldn’t get her out of your head. Her pretty face caught your attention first. You remembered that face from Junior Nationals when you were both sixteen. The way she played now is what kept you interested. She was nothing like the girl you once knew. She was fiery, unpredictable, and sometimes messy, but her raw passion for the sport was attractive.
“You know who I am?” She says, not prepared for that response.
“Yeah. I’m—“
“I know.” She interrupts. Of course she knows your name, she’s been watching you on TV for years after you absolutely wrecked any chance she ever had at nationals. Ellie could never stay mad at you for beating her that day, her admiration took over completely. “You’re ranked number nine worldwide. At eighteen. You’re like… a fucking goddess. Can I sit?” She starts to sit beside you in the sand before you can even approve of it. “You smoked me at nationals two years ago. You served so fast I cried after that match. Real tears.” She laughs. “You didn’t even look at me when you walked off court. You were ruthless. It was kinda hot.” Those last words slip out before she can stop herself.
You let out a breathy laugh, surprised by her boldness. “Hot? That I made you cry?”
Ellie shrugs. “Perfect form, ice cold stare, destroyed me like it was nothing after I spent my whole life training.” She looks at you with a mischievous grin. “Plus, I’ve always had a thing for girls who could crush me.”
You can’t help but smirk. There was something intriguing about her. “What’s your rank, Ellie Williams?” You say her full name teasingly.
Ellie shifts, her demeanor is suddenly less playful. “Lower than yours.” She laughs awkwardly.
“Top one hundred?” You ask, raising an eyebrow.
She crosses her arms over her chest, her body language flaunting her insecurity. “Almost— but I qualified to be here which still feels pretty fucking sick. I know I’m not gonna win but give me a few more years and I’ll be up against you for the trophy one day.”
You laugh again, a real laugh. “Oh really? Are you gonna cry again?” You tease.
Ellie throws her head back with a scoff, looking up at the stars. “Next time we play you’re gonna be the one crying.” She jokes. She’s glad you can’t see how red her face has gotten in the moonlight at the sound of your laugh.
You look up at the stars as well, taking in the beautiful summer sky. “Well… I’m looking forward to that day.”
A slow, dorky grin creeps over her face. “Me too.”
You look back at her. “So why’d you follow me out here? What are your intentions? To flirt?” You ask boldly, knowing everyone always wants something from you. Advice, tips, money, promo, there’s always something.
Ellie feels caught. “I uhh— well first, I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to you for the past two hours so don’t think it was a careless decision.” She laughs, feeling the heat in her face again. “I kinda like… wanted to know if… if you wanted… a date? A date with me. I wanna get to know you underneath all the tennis shit. Fuck— not like underneath— that sounds bad—“ She panics.
Your eyebrows furrow as your head tilts in confusion. “A date?”
Ellie fiddles with her thumbs in her lap nervously. “Yeah. A date. Like… no tennis talk. Just dinner, or coffee, or ice cream, if you even eat ice cream… uhhh— just us pretending to be normal eighteen year old girls.” She looks down at her hands as she talks.
You sigh softly, not wanting to hurt her feelings. Normally this would piss you off to no end, but there’s something about her that you can’t quite shake. “I don’t date.” Is all you say.
Ellie nods. “I figured…”
You hesitate before the words slip out. “Why do you assume I date girls?” Keeping love out of your career was important to you.
She had never assumed anything, just desperately hoped. She knew there wasn’t a man on this earth that deserved a woman like you. “Do you? Like girls?” She asks, carefully.
“You didn’t answer my question.” You say, your voice shakes, making you seem human for once.
Ellie lets out a self deprecating laugh. “I didn’t assume. I just got so carried away with my crush on you that I guess I convinced myself that a girl as cool and badass as you wouldn’t date stupid, gross boys.” She rubs her sweaty palms on her jeans, nervously.
You laugh, a warm, comforting sound to break the awkward tension. “I don’t date guys at all. They smell bad. And I don’t like facial hair.”
Ellie’s expression is confused as she tries to figure you out. “So you don’t like anyone? You’ve never liked someone before? You’re just not human?” She teases, brushing your shoulder with hers playfully.
The confession slips out of you easily around her. “I don’t date anyone but I like to kiss girls. They’re soft. No facial hair.” You can’t understand why you’re opening up to her like this, but her presence makes it easy to.
A disbelieving grin spreads across Ellie’s face, a winning smile. “So, you’re saying I have a chance? Hypothetically? To kiss you one day?”
You giggle again, unable to stop yourself. “When and where are you playing again?”
“Tomorrow. Court three.” She says, too quickly. “Ten AM. Are you coming to watch?” She tries to sound nonchalant about it but fails.
You smirk at her, that teasing, soul crushing smirk. “If you play like an absolute beast out there— and win… then maybe, we could possibly hang out again.” You glance down to her lips and back up to her eyes. Super kissable. Ugh.
Ellie was suddenly really thankful for the loud ocean waves crashing, otherwise you’d probably be able to hear her heart beating. “I’m gonna win, I swear. I’m winning, and I want to see you tomorrow night.” She says, a little too eager.
You push yourself up off the sand, wiping your dress clean. You grab your heels and start to walk off. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Ellie Williams.” You tease.
The sound of her full name coming from your mouth again, like you already have an inside joke, is all the motivation she needs to win any match
—
Ellie dominated the court the next morning, knowing you were watching. She smiled at you between every set, knowing she was killing it, knowing she was impressing you.
There was no room for mistakes, no room for hesitation. Her serves were faster than usual, her footwork was flawless. She was practically possessed, pure fire and adrenaline. She always wants to win but she’s never wanted it this badly. This wasn’t just about winning, this was about proving herself worthy of you. Every point was one step closer to the girl she’s been crushing on for years.
There’s murmurs in the crowd about her, how she’s not even ranked high but playing flawlessly, how it seems like she’s suddenly come out of nowhere as a new threat. You feel like you’re watching a fucking star in the making.
Ellie wins the match, making it look easy. The crowd roared for her but she couldn’t even acknowledge it. She tosses her racket down, wiping the sweat from her brows with the back of her arm. Her gaze finds yours immediately, giving you a shit eating grin. She knows she just won your affection.
Her confidence wavers when she walks off court and sees you standing there, arms crossed over your chest, waiting for her. She’s suddenly insecure about how sweaty she is. She slows her steps, not wanting to see too eager, but fuck, she’s eager.
“That’s what I wanted to see.” You say, your tone is prideful, like you got this confidence out of her.
Ellie approaches you close enough to whisper, “Told you I’d win.”
You lean in even closer. “Do you always keep your promises?” You whisper back in her ear.
Ellie lets out a shaky breath. “The ones that matter, yeah.”
Your lips get even closer to her ear. “Room 406. Nine o’clock. Don’t leave me waiting.” Your warm breath on her skin makes her shiver
—
Ellie has to remind herself to breathe as she enters your hotel room. This was your space that she fought to be alone with you in, and actually getting what she wants for once overwhelms her. She stood awkwardly by the entrance as you closed the door, unsure if she should sit, take her shoes off, or even speak.
“Hi, you.” You say, looking at her, admiring. Your tone is like a soft purr.
All hope Ellie had of keeping her cool girl composure was gone at the sound of your soft bedroom voice and the way you looked in that little tank top. Her throat is dry as she responds. “Hi…” To her horror, it comes out more like a squeak. She quickly cleared her throat trying to collect herself.
You gently take both of her hands in yours, they’re calloused from years of gripping her rackets. “Don’t be shy…” you tease, walking her closer to the bed. Ellie’s heart was beating so hard she could feel it in her ears.
She lets out a breathy laugh. “I’m not shy.” She whispered, lying horribly as her freckled cheeks blushed pink.
You drop her hands and step back, sitting on the edge of the bed. You lean back on your elbows, never breaking eye contact.
“Then show me how bad you want to touch me.”
Oh shit.
The energy in the room changed instantly, Ellie nearly forgets how to breathe. You didn’t even attempt any small talk to break the ice first. You’re lying there challenging her to touch you. The bold, flirty girl from the night before is suddenly gone, and she’s really fucking nervous.
Ellie slowly, carefully, steps between your legs, her hands grip your thighs, rubbing softly, staring down at you like you’re the most valuable work of art. She didn’t rush, didn’t dive right into this like she’s daydreamed about a thousand times, she needs to take her time and appreciate every moment.
One of her hands moves up from your thigh to trace your jawline, a soft, featherlight touch that somehow feels more intense than a desperate one. Her eyes follow her hand as it traces down the side of your neck, just feeling, and fuck, it feels good.
Both hands move down your chest now, over your breasts and onto your stomach. The room is quiet, just the hum of the air conditioner and your breathing.
Ellie hesitates. “You sure?” She asks. Being able to touch you like this without a date first feels wrong to her.
“Go ahead.” You murmur.
She gently grips the edge of your tank top, pushing the fabric up slowly. There’s no teasing smirk now, just quiet admiration. Her lips part like she’s about to say something, but she stops herself.
Ellie holds her breath as she pushes the fabric over your breasts, revealing your bare chest. She freezes, in awe of your beauty.
“Oh my God.” She mumbles, taking two handfuls, squeezing lightly.
You smile up at her teasingly as you tug on her hoodie. “Off.” You demand.
She does what she’s told, despite not wanting to take her hands off you. Her hoodie comes off and over her head in one quick pull, she kicks her sneakers off and watches as you fully remove your tank top, leaving you half undressed for her. Ellie discards her sweatpants while she’s at it, now just in a thin tank top and boxers.
You stand up from the bed to get your hands on her again. You meet her gaze as your fingers slide under her shirt, lifting slowly. “Can I?” You whisper, your face painfully close to hers.
She nods a little too fast, too eagerly, her arms come up above her head in a second. You pull her top off completely, tossing it aside. There’s nothing between your chests now, just skin touching skin.
Ellie’s body is like a trophy of her discipline. Her shoulders and biceps are strong, dusted with the same freckles as her face. Her skin is golden and sun-kissed from a whole summer of training. You take her chin between your fingers gently, tilting her head to meet your face.
Her breath hitches at your gentle touch. “What are you looking at?” She whispers, shyly.
You hesitate as your eyes continue to memorize her face. “You’re beautiful…” you whisper.
Ellie chokes— unable to find the right words. Beautiful. Her eyes lock onto yours, wide and green and full of emotion.
“I—“ She tries.
You cut her off with a kiss.
She freezes for a moment before kissing you back.
You hold her face as you kiss her fiercely, like you’ve been holding yourself back, because you have. You’ve been impatiently waiting for hours to get your hands on her. She grabs your waist as your fingers tangle in her hair.
Instead of matching your intensity, she slows the kiss, softening more with every press to your lips.
Ellie’s hands move down, grabbing you by the backside of your thighs, lifting you up, still not breaking the kiss. She lays you onto the bed gently, like you’re something fragile. There’s no tossing or roughness, just gentle hands guiding you down comfortably. She’s trying so hard to play it cool and not fuck this up.
Ellie pulls back from the kiss, breath ragged. Her heart is slamming in her chest, she tries to ignore it.
Her hands find the waistband of your shorts. “May I?” She asks, putting on a fake confident tone.
You nod, she tugs at them, pulling them down over your hips. She lets out a groan at the sight of your little lace thong. “You’re killing me.” She laughs, tossing the shorts to the floor. Her hands come up quickly to touch the lace. “Did you wear this for me?” She asks, placing a soft kiss to your hipbone.
You bite your lip, holding back a grin. “You played really good today. Turned me on.” You admit.
Ellie smiles against your skin, still placing soft kisses on your hips. “I got you all worked up?” She teases, finally finding her confidence.
You let out a breath. “Watching a pretty girl play like that is sexy. Especially when she’s doing it to impress me.” You blush.
Ellie’s fingers hook over the lace of your panties, pulling them down slowly. “The thought of this is what had me so focused out there.” She says, continuing to undress you. “Fuck, you’re so pretty. Can I keep these?” She jokes, holding your underwear up in her hand.
“No.” You laugh.
Ellie kisses the inside of your thighs, getting close to where you’ve been wanting her.
“Why not? I’ll keep them in my bag for every game. It’ll remind me who I’m playing for.” She jokes, kissing higher up your thigh.
“Because—“ You’re cut off by her tongue pressing down firmly, right where you needed it. “Fuck—“
Ellie hums, the vibration of it sends a shiver through you. The curse rolling off your tongue fueled her, she pulls you in even closer by your thighs, devouring you like she’s starved for it.
There’s no more shy, gentle touches. It’s full-on hunger. Her tongue speeds up, then slows down every time she feels you start to shake. She’ll stay here all night with her face between your thighs, right where she belongs.
“Tastes so fuckin’ good.” She mumbles. She switches to slow, teasing circles against your clit.
“Ellie—“ You moan.
She’s still shocked you even remember her name, moaning it in bed is something she can’t even begin to comprehend.
“Yeah, baby?” She asks, her voice muffled.
“Need more.” You whine.
Ellie didn’t need to be told twice. She takes your most sensitive spot between her lips and sucks gently. Your body jolts underneath her.
“Oh, is that what you like?” She teases, doing it again with more pressure.
Your hands grab at her hair, not pushing or pulling her, just keeping her there.
“Fucckkkkk.” You moan, your hands grip her hair even tighter. Your legs tremble around her head.
She wants to sweet talk you into reaching your orgasm but she’s too focused on the task at hand to even speak.
Her hands push your legs open wider, her mouth finds a steady rhythm that makes you start to squirm in her grip.
Her tongue slows down as she pushes a careful, steady finger into you. She looks up, watching for a reaction. Your head relaxes back into the pillows with a quiet moan. That was the exact response she needed.
She adds a second finger, feeling you stretch around her.
“Just like that.“ You moan. Your pleasure and praise send a thrill through her.
You lift yourself up on your elbows to look down and watch her. “I wanna cum.” You whine, as if asking for her permission.
Ellie’s eyes are dark with desire as they lock onto yours. She didn’t speak, didn’t stop, didn’t tease you, she kept her face in the heat of you, doing everything she can to bring you over the edge.
The sight of her face between your legs, so eager to please, is making your head spin.
Your body heats up at the edge of your release. Your thighs squeeze her head as you start to lift off the bed. She holds you down with her free hand as her fingers speed up, matching the rhythm of her tongue. You push her face into you, chasing more friction before the comedown. The sound that comes out of you is sinful as she pushes you over the edge. Soft whimpers and breathy moans, her name repeating on your lips. Just for a moment, you forget about everything. The pressure, the competition, the fans, the press, the cameras. Right now, it’s only pleasure.
“Oh my— fucking— God.” You choke out, chest heaving. Ellie’s movements slow down, her touch is gentle and soft as she works you through it.
Ellie’s breath is ragged as she finally pulls back for air. A string of spit connects her bottom lip to you. Her face is wet and glistening from your release. The sight makes the heat pool in your stomach all over again.
For once she wasn’t trying to play it cool, she was in a daze from the taste of you and the intensity of it all. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, crawling back up over you.
“You okay?” She asks, still breathless, her hair is messy and falling over her eyes. Her voice is so sweet and tender that it almost hurts.
You reach up and brush your fingers through her hair, fixing it. “Amazing, yeah.” You whisper. The moment feels way too intimate to be a casual hookup. Ellie’s chest is warm with the accomplishment of pleasing you.
She presses her body against yours, leaning in to kiss you softly. No hunger this time, no tongue, no intensity, just a quiet worship. “That makes me happy.” She mumbles against your lips.
“Are you still my number one fan after that?” You tease.
Ellie lets out a breathy laugh, running her fingers through your hair. “Yeah. Even more now. Don’t even care if it makes me look pathetic.” She smiles.
You press a quick kiss to her lips. “What can I do for you now? What do you like?” You ask, sliding a hand down her stomach, reaching for the waistband of her boxers.
Ellie blinked at you in confusion before shaking her head. “Nothing.” She says, confident in her decision. This wasn’t about taking turns, she was satisfied enough just seeing you feel good. Plus, she’s way too nervous to even get off.
“Nothing?” You ask, looking at her like she’s crazy.
Ellie hesitates before speaking. “How about next time? If you’ll let me have the honor again.” She jokes.
You let out a laugh of disbelief. “If you keep playing how you played today, I’ll consider it.” You say, pressing a kiss to her neck.
The way you were continuing to challenge her turned her on more than she would like to admit. “Ohhh, that’s how this is, huh?” She teases. “I gotta keep earning it? I haven’t won you over yet?” She asks, tilting her head so you can get more access.
You continue placing slow, gentle kisses down her neck. “Absolutely not. You have to get your rank up. And work on that backhand. It’s weak.” You tease, feeling up her biceps as you kiss down to her collarbones.
Ellie scoffs playfully. She wants to argue but you’re completely correct. “So I have to be a top ranked player before you’ll kiss me again?”
You pull back, looking down at her. The eye contact feels heavy as your tone gets serious. “Get your rank up. Get yourself into another Grand Slam. Cut the negative ‘I know I’m not gonna win’ bullshit that you said to me last night. Act like a fucking winner and maybe you’ll start to be one.”
Ellie freezes at your harsh words. The playful mood disappears from the air in a second. She felt like a puppy being scolded. There’s no sugarcoating with you, just cold, hard truth. She almost wants to defend herself but she knows you have no patience for pity or excuses.
Ellie nods, eyes wide and exhausted. Her jaw tightens before she speaks. “Okay. Okay. You’re right. And I’ll see you next year, then…” She says, her disappointment showing through in her tone. She kisses you one last time before getting up from the bed, knowing if she stays any longer it’ll seem too desperate.
There’s an awkward silence as you both get up to dress. You already miss the teasing and laughter.
“Here.” You say, tossing your lace panties at Ellie. She catches them quick, with ease, like the athlete that she is.
“For me?” She smiles, shoving them in the pocket of her sweatpants.
“Keep ‘em. I’ll see you next year.”
—
Year Two
You sat on a velvet stool, nursing a glass of wine at your hotel bar in Paris. You swirled the red liquid in the glass, lost in thought. You know you look pathetic sitting alone, and you know you shouldn’t be drinking, but the pre-competition nerves are getting the best of you.
A familiar voice snaps you out of your thoughts. “Look who it is.”
You turn to her, with your eyebrows raised. “Ellie Williams? Is that you?” You joke.
You already knew she’d be here. You’ve been silently watching her for the last year. You watched all her matches, stalked her Instagram weekly, watched her climb the rankings relentlessly.
“The one and only.” She says, shrugging off her coat and sitting on the stool next to you. She looks older, more defined, more confident. Even more attractive than last year.
She orders her drink and settles into the seat. There’s an awkward silence considering you just ghosted her for almost an entire year.
“You look great.” You admit.
Ellie smiles, she knows she’s grinded, gotten stronger and more confident. She knows you’ve noticed, too. “Thanks. You too. Congratulations about Australia by the way. I watched you on TV that night.” She sips her wine, sheepishly. She DM’d you that night to say congrats, you never answered.
You blush. “You’re the one who went up forty spots in singles. Automatically qualified to be here. You’ve been working hard.” You squeeze her arm affectionately.
Hearing that from you was the ultimate trophy to her.
She gives a small, humble nod. “Worked my ass off.”
Your hand stays on her bicep, feeling her muscles over the thin fabric of her button up shirt. “I can tell.” You tease.
There’s a pause before she speaks, nervous to test the waters. Her voice drops deeper, quieter. “Do I get my reward?”
The reward you promised: to get you alone again.
You laugh softly. “Do I look like I’d give in that easily?” Your hand drops from her arm because you do look desperate for her right now, and to be completely honest, you are.
Ellie straightens her posture. “I did everything you asked.” Her voice is sultry and smooth. She leans in painfully close. “Don’t I deserve something?”
God, you want to kiss her right here, right now. “What do you have in mind?”
“Dinner. We’re in Paris, c’mon. I’ll take you anywhere you want. You can order the most expensive things on the menu and I won’t even roll my eyes.” She smiles flirtatiously, her foot nudges yours underneath the bar.
You shake your head. “I already told you I don’t go on dates. Career first.”
Ellie pulls back. “It doesn’t have to be a date. It can just be food. With me. You have to eat dinner regardless.” She’s frustrated, but riling her up is part of the fun for you.
“No.” You start, pausing to sip from your glass. “Sounds exactly like a date.”
Ellie’s voice softens. She wants to be mad, but she understands how devoted you are to your career. “Fine. No dinner… How about a walk? We can go right now…” Her gaze darts to the window to see if it’s still raining.
You sigh. “Fine.”
Once your glasses are empty and the tab is paid, by Ellie, of course, she doesn’t hesitate to grab your jacket from the back of your stool and help you into it like a gentleman. She adjusts the collar for a second too long, her hands lingering on your shoulders. She throws her own jacket on with much less care and attention. “Ready?”
The air outside is cool, but not cold. The pavement is still wet from the rain earlier. The streetlights reflect off of it, casting a golden glow. It’s Ellie’s first time in Paris and she can feel the romance in the air.
You walk in tandem, awkwardly, silently. Your arms are crossed over your chest, she just wants to hold your hand.
You break the silence first. “I saw your little meltdown on ESPN.” You look over at her, smirking.
Ellie lets out a choked sound. “Oh God—“
She was all over the sports news a few months prior after screaming at the umpire for calling one of her shots out when it was clearly in. Getting a warning only made her angrier. She threw insults at him, yelling ‘til security had to run and grab her. She was disqualified immediately.
The headlines were everywhere.
Up And Coming Tennis Star Loses Her Cool At The Miami Open
Ellie Williams Puts Her Career On The Line With An Emotional Meltdown
Williams Disqualified From Miami Open Over Verbal Assault
You watched the clip over and over. Her raw fury, her face red with rage as security held her back. It was the closest you ever got to breaking and answering that DM you’d been ignoring.
“I loved it. It was sexy.” You tease.
Ellie’s cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Sexy? You thought my career ruining televised breakdown was sexy?”
Your body finally starts to relax as you laugh. “Do you have a PR team now? You must be a nightmare to work with.”
Ellie’s eyes crinkle as she laughs, the embarrassment starts to fade. “I do. They were so pissed at me. Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“That was genuinely the best tennis I’ve watched all year. I love the way you play. You’re so unpredictable. So much fire and passion. So yeah… Sexy.” Your shoulder bumps hers as you walk. You both feel the sparks.
Ellie hesitates, trying to process your words. She’s been relentlessly scolded by her team for that. Her fans defended her, but no one praised her for it besides you. “So… You like when I lose my cool?”
You laugh at how ridiculous that sounds. “Yeah. Guess I do. We should get into an argument sometime.” You nudge her shoulder again, on purpose this time.
Ellie laughs, enough for the wrinkles around her eyes to show. She couldn’t help how intrigued she was by you. “We are never having a normal first date.” She giggles.
Your tone is suddenly less playful. “It’s not a date.” You remind her.
“Right. Can we argue about that? I’ll even yell.” She teases. “Personally, I think we’d be great together. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.” She says, no real venom in her voice, just frustration from how bad she wants you.
“Yeah? Why?” You push.
She doesn’t hesitate for even a second. “Because you understand me. We both devoted our entire lives to a sport before we even graduated high school. We didn’t grow up normal.”
She continues before you can speak. “You actually get me. Everyone tells me I’m too much. Do you know what they call me? Intense, unreliable, not worth betting on, emotional, embarrassing, competitive to a fault. You like when I’m too much. You actually see me.” Her head is down as she walks, the truth spilling out of her.
You feel a pang in your chest, you push it down. “And what do you have to offer me?” You ask.
“Well first—“ Ellie clears her throat. “I’m still your number one fan.” She actually looks up at you now, giving you a playful wink.
“Second, when I want something, I fight hard for it.”
She takes a breath.
“Third, I genuinely would do anything you asked me to. I don’t think I could ever say no to you.” She admits, her face heats up as she says it.
You try so hard not to smile. “Do you think you’re the only person who wants me like this?”
Ellie shakes her head with a breathy laugh. “No. Of course not… But I promise you, I want it more than anyone else.”
Her words and the romance of Paris get to your head. You want to grab her right there and kiss her, but you keep yourself composed. Before you can even think of a response, a welcome distraction shows up. A perfect view of The Eiffel Tower sparkling as you turn a street corner. You both stop walking.
Ellie’s eyes went wide in amazement, it was prettier than she ever imagined, and for some reason it made her want to cry. You don’t say a word, just letting her take in the moment. You’ve seen Paris a handful of times already, it felt special again looking at it through her eyes. Your head slowly, hesitantly rests against her shoulder. Your hand slides down her arm until your fingers are intertwined. Neither of you move, or speak, just sitting there in a quiet moment of intimacy.
After a minute or two, Ellie’s free hand lifts your chin to look at her. Her lips are on yours before you can even react. You practically hiss, turning your face away from hers. “No, Ellie.” You mumble, despite how much you really wanted that kiss.
Ellie froze, not angry or upset, but genuinely hurt. Her hand squeezes yours one last time before she lets go.
She looks you dead in the eye as she speaks. “You know, I really wish you weren’t pretending this wasn’t something special.”
Her words make you feel sick.
—
Ellie threw it all away later that week, losing a match in round two of the tournament. All her hard work leading up to this no longer mattered. She was fuming as she stormed into the locker room, her face red, eyebrows narrowed. She yanked off her jersey aggressively, throwing it, before sitting down on a bench with her head in her hands, moments away from falling apart.
You followed behind her quietly after watching from the stands. You entered the locker room, not rushing in, but waiting for Ellie’s reaction, like a ticking time bomb.
She looks up at you, exhausted and shattered, but doesn’t say a word.
“Hey.” You start.
Ellie lets out an angry sigh. “You here to remind me how much of a failure I am?” She snaps.
“How’d you know?” You ask, sarcastically.
She sits up straighter, defensively. “How’d I know?!” She repeats. “Because that’s all you ever do.” She says, harshly.
You want to defend yourself, but it’s useless. “What happened out there? Tell me.” You say.
Ellie’s head drops again. “I choked. Happy?”
You scoff. “Of course I’m not fucking happy.”
She closes her eyes, wishing she could disappear. “I got nervous by the third set. I couldn’t get my serve right. Something I’ve been practicing my entire goddamn life… Still fucked it up.” All the anger drains from her voice, replaced by embarrassment and shame.
“Do you actually want this? Do you even want to be a tennis player?” You ask. Your words cut deep, but you know she needs to hear them.
Ellie stands from the bench, her body language is tense and almost frightening. “What?!” She raises her voice at you. “You think I don’t want this?! I trained my ass off for MONTHS! Do you know how much of my life I’ve sacrificed for this?! Do you think I’d be here letting you insult me if I didn’t want this?!” She shouts, pointing a finger at you.
You stay calm and composed. “Do you want me?” You ask quietly.
Your question makes the anger drain out of her immediately, and she realizes how insane she looks yelling at you, pointing fingers like any of this is your fault. Her face softens, her arms drop to her side. “Yeah.” She sighs.
You take another step closer to her. “Say it like you mean it.”
Her voice is low, but firm. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you.” She admits.
“Then prove it.”
Ellie almost wants to yell again, until it clicks in her brain that you truly have no ill intentions, and you’re pushing her to greatness, even if it hurts.
“Okay.” She says, nodding. “I will.”
“Will I see you at Wimbledon?” You ask, in a no-bullshit tone.
Ellie hesitates, knowing that will be the most difficult tournament of her career, if she even gets the chance to compete. “Yes.” She nods. “I won’t let you down.”
A satisfied smirk creeps up on your face, knowing you have her right where you want her. “Come here.” You demand, calling her over like a dog.
Ellie steps forward with no hesitation, waiting for whatever you’ll say next.
You put a gentle hand on her cheek. A comforting touch after her exhausting day. Her eyes close, she melts into it. Your lips meet hers, gently at first. She can feel the fireworks exploding in her stomach at the familiar taste of you. The kiss is risky, anyone could walk into the locker room, but the risk makes it even more exciting.
She pours a year of pent up emotions into that kiss. Her hands grab your waist, pulling your body flush against hers. She holds you tightly, steady, not wanting to let you out of her grasp. She’d keep you here all night if she could.
You pull back from the kiss, knowing this needs to stop before it turns into more. Her lips chase yours, like she can’t bring herself to let go.
“We can’t.” You whisper into her mouth. She knows it’s not personal, kissing in a public space is a terrible idea. Her fingers flex on your waist before she loosens her grip and pulls back.
“I’ll— I’ll see you in London.” You say, turning your back to leave before she can even properly say goodbye to you.
—
The first week at Wimbledon was ruthless. Every match was intense, absolutely no room for error. Ellie trained for this every single day after Paris. she fought hard on that court, making it to the third round, surprising herself with her endurance.
Not even you were immune to the chaos. This tournament is the best of the best, and you felt threatened by the skill of your competitors. Your doubt was already starting to creep in.
The day of the third round, you’re buzzing with anxiety. Or maybe it’s excitement, you can’t tell. You and Ellie were finally up against each other after years of anticipation. The cameras on you felt heavier than usual, the summer sun was suddenly too hot and suffocating. You knew no matter what, you couldn’t let her distract you. You had to win this.
There’s no friendly banter as you both walk out to the court, just loud silence and your heads down, ignoring each other. You keep yourself calm and focused, Ellie has a natural scowl on her face, one that’s always there when she’s ready to prove herself. The crowd is already murmuring, knowing there was something brewing between you both.
The match starts fast, aggressively. Ellie serves first, 120mph and coming at you so fast you almost freeze. You send it back to her with force, matching her intensity. There was no holding back now.
Each shot on that court was personal, everyone could tell, the fans, your coaches, the other players watching. This wasn’t even tennis anymore, this was a year of pent up frustration, feelings you can’t admit and two girls who really want this win for different reasons.
Your stomach twisted every time you made eye contact across the net. The playful, warm, flirty girl you knew was replaced by someone threatening, starting you down like a predator. Ellie always had a smirk on her face when she scored, this time it was an ice cold stare, sizing you up with every point. A look that proved to you she wasn’t here to mess around, she was here to win.
The tension thickened with every set. You won the first, she won the second, and this third set meant everything. Ellie’s first serve in the third set was weak. She’s known for this, letting her nerves get to her when it matters most. You send the ball back so fast she doesn’t even run for it, letting it fly past her.
“FOCUS!” You shout across the court. Half encouraging, half commanding, it felt like an insult to her, but if getting her angry is what it takes, you’ll do it.
Ellie rolls her eyes at you, despite secretly appreciating the push. The umpire gives you a code violation warning for shouting at her. You don’t regret it. She’s refocused and ready to play properly again.
The next few serves are merciless. She returned all of yours like she wanted to crush your confidence, because in that moment, she truly did. Every glance between you both was filled with pure venom. You have the crowd on the edge of their seats as you’re tied, next point takes it all. There was no telling who they were cheering for anymore, just two very loved pros giving it all they had. Neither of you had a grip on the match anymore, there was no telling who could win it.
You were both playing at your peak, but there was no gracefulness. You both look, and feel, completely wrecked. Sweat drips down your faces, breath ragged, like rivals going all out. There was no friendship anymore, no mercy, no smiles, no teasing smirks, just two girls exhausted.
Match point.
You practically blacked out as it happened. Ellie served, clean, fast, precise. You returned it with every ounce of strength in your body. The ball blazed across the court, perfectly angled to the corner, further than she could run for it in time.
Point. Game. Match.
There’s a moment of silence before the crowd erupts in applause for you. You barely react, just standing there, stunned.
Reality hits you hard: you just advanced in the biggest tournament in the world, but you took that chance away from Ellie. And fuck, it hurts.
You jogged across the court, reaching your arms out to her, practically crushing her in a hug. Ellie’s body stiffens in shock, because this wasn’t what she imagined after a month of silence and that ruthless game you just played. It takes a moment for her to relax and wrap her arms around you, pressing her face into your shoulder. There’s cameras flashing everywhere, thousands of people cheering, but in that moment it’s just you and her.
“I’m so sorry.” You say, just loud enough for her to hear. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” You repeat, before she can respond.
Her arms wrap around you tighter. All of Ellie’s anger and resentment melted, you could feel it under your fingertips. “Don’t be sorry. You’re amazing.” She mumbles into your skin.
You pull back enough for your eyes to meet. That pretty green stare disarms you every time. “That was brutal.” You say, smiling, still filled with adrenaline.
Her tired eyes crinkled in the corners as she met your gaze. “You’re telling me.” She laughs, softly.
—
Later that night, you’re showered and settled into bed, still giddy from the day. You’re hopelessly trying to catch some extra sleep, but you’re still feeling that adrenaline from your match with Ellie. Texting her has always felt off limits to you. You don’t even have her number after everything. You open Instagram, your notifications are flooded, but instead of checking them you search Ellie’s profile. You still don’t follow her, which you truthfully think is hilarious after all this time. You scroll through her photos, catching yourself smiling at your phone. Embarrassing. You quickly type out and send her a DM before you can talk yourself out of it.
Hey
Send.
Ellie replies faster than you anticipated.
I’ve been waiting for u to follow me back for like 3 years sooooo… when’s that gonna happen
You smile at her message.
Probably never
I rented a house and it’s pretty big and lonely
You coming? I’ll call you an uber
She replies before you can even swipe away from your messages.
Of course baby
The nickname made your heart skip a beat.
—
The second the front door clicked shut behind her, your lips were on Ellie’s. The kiss was hard and hungry, like all of that tension on court was saved for this one moment.
To your surprise, and hers, Ellie puts a hand on your chest, gently pushing you back, stopping the kiss. Not pushing you away, just… pausing.
“I haven’t even put my bag down.” She laughs, her tone is warm and soft and the complete opposite of the girl who wanted to crush your spirit a few hours prior.
You let out a shy laugh, embarrassed by her subtle rejection. “Sorry.” You whisper. Ellie could have melted on the spot at your sweet shyness. The same girl who was yelling at her across the net was suddenly shy and blushing in her hands.
Ellie drops her bag to the floor and kicks off her shoes. Her hands come up to your neck gently. She kisses your forehead, your cheek, your other cheek, your nose and then a soft press to your lips again, just a peck. “We don’t have to rush.” She whispers.
Your hands slide down her arms, before intertwining your fingers with hers. The touch shocks her, you’ve experienced so much intensity together, but never something as innocent as hand holding.
“Are you here to torture me?” You joke, squeezing her hands.
Ellie laughs, breathless and exasperated. “No. God, no.” She says, lifting your knuckles to her lips to kiss them. She knows her slow pace probably is torture for someone who likes things fast, but she’s waited too long to be alone with you again to rush through it.
You feel yourself start to melt at her gentle kisses on your knuckles. “I’m just glad you don’t hate me after today.” You whisper.
Ellie freezes. Her hands squeeze yours even tighter. You’re actually being vulnerable in front of her, worried about the aftermath of how intense that match was. Her kisses on your hands are even more tender now. “I could never hate you… Maybe I did for like… five seconds.” She laughs. “But honestly, I just missed you. I think I was so mad today because I missed you.”
You want to tell her that you missed her too, but the words won’t come out. “You played beautifully.” You say.
Ellie blushes, because your compliments are the highest form of praise. “I did it for you.” She whispers, leaning back in for another slow kiss. “For this.” She mumbles against your lips.
“Ellie.” You say, sternly, stopping the kiss.
“Hm?” She hums, her forehead pressed against yours.
You pause before speaking. “If you aren’t naked in my bed in the next thirty seconds I’m gonna get really pissed off.” You joke.
Ellie steps back, laughing, really laughing. “Oh yeah?” She teases, already pulling her hoodie over her head. “The girl who made me wait over a year to touch her again is suddenly pressed about thirty seconds?” She laughs, tossing her hoodie, reaching for yours next.
“Please.” You beg, letting her pull your sweatshirt over your head.
Ellie’s expression softens, she takes your hand in hers again. “Lead the way.”
She’s laid out on your bed, resting against the pillows, one knee bent, waiting. You crawl over her, kissing your way up her legs.
Ellie’s heart pounded as she watched you crawl up the bed, leaving soft kisses on her skin. Your patient worship felt like whiplash compared to how cold you’ve been towards her since Paris.
When your kisses trail up to her hips, you slowly pull down her shorts. She lifts her hips to help you. You push up her tank top up to kiss her toned stomach.
“What do you like?” You ask between kisses.
Ellie’s cheeks flushed, embarrassed to answer a question like that. No one has ever even asked her that before. “Uhh— slow. I like… being kissed and… hands.” She chokes out.
You look up at her red face with a smirk. “I can do that.” You say confidently. You kneel between her legs, grabbing at the hem of her tank top, lifting it over her head. She felt the need to cover up, but stopped herself.
You bring your lips back down to her chest, trailing soft kisses. Your lips ghost over one of her nipples, before taking it into your mouth. A small gasp escapes her. The sensation is warm and wet and feels way too good. Your tongue swirled slowly, applying just the right amount of pressure. You can feel her body start to shift under your touch. You lift a hand to trace soft, teasing circles on her other nipple, feeling it harden under your touch.
Ellie lets out an involuntary whimper, the feeling was somehow blissful and complete torture at the same time.
Her chest rose and fell faster now, her face still red, not from embarrassment but from arousal. Your teasing touch turns into a pinch, taking her sensitive nipple between your thumb and pointer finger, gently squeezing. Ellie inhales sharply at the touch, biting down on her lip to keep herself quiet.
You lift your mouth to speak. “Don’t hold back. Let me hear you.” You whisper. Your tone is calm and seductive. You weren’t just allowing it, you were encouraging it, and that drove her crazy in the best way.
You switch sides, bringing your lips onto her other nipple. She didn’t stifle her moan this time, she let it out, loud and clear, the sound was heaven to your ears.
“That’s it.” You praise. Your lips move lower, latching onto the skin of her breast, leaving a dark hickey, marking her. Ellie looks down at you, eyes half lidded and needy. She touches the wet mark with her fingertip, like she’s never seen anything like it before.
“Is that okay?” You whisper.
“So okay.” She responds, her voice a little dazed from all her pleasure.
Ellie reaches up and grabs you by the hair, pulling gently, but not enough to hurt. She brings your lips back up to hers in a possessive kiss.
This kiss is nothing like how she kissed you at the door. Her lips are eager as they move against yours, her tongue slips into your mouth, teeth biting at your lower lip, completely claiming you.
Your hand slides lower, lower, lower, under the waistband of her boxers. The second your fingers brush over the heat between her legs, she gasps, twitching under your touch.
“Shit, Ellie.” You mumble into the kiss. You don’t even have to say it. She’s soaked for you and you both know it. Your tone isn’t judgemental or teasing, you’re just in awe of how much your touch affected her, like her body has been begging for this.
“Don’t tease me.” She mumbles against your lips, embarrassed.
You smile before kissing her again. Your fingers move slowly through her folds, just feeling. “I’m not, I love it. I love this.” You say.
Ellie lets out a whimper and she doesn’t even know if it was from your words or your touch. Another choked sound comes out as your fingers graze over her clit. Ellie’s breath speeds up, she grabs onto your waist to ground herself.
Your lips move down to her neck as your fingers find her sweet spot, rubbing small, gentle circles.
With that one simple touch, all of her stress faded away. Paris, the time you rejected her kiss, the way she yelled at you in the locker room, every time she’s embarrassed herself on TV just trying to be a better player, the unspoken tension between you, the intensity of the match earlier that day, all gone.
“Oh God.” She moans, her head back on the pillows, eyes closed, body finally relaxed.
Her hips arch up into your touch, chasing more pressure. You know you’ve teased her long enough, your fingers press down a little bit harder, faster too.
“Fuuuuckkk.” She whines, her hands grip your waist tighter.
“You like that?” You ask, still pressing soft kisses into her neck.
Ellie nods fast, breathlessly, having to force her words out. “Yes— please—“
You smirk at the sight of her falling apart in your hands. “Please what?” You tease.
“More.” She whines, her hips pressing up into your hand again.
“So needy.” You mumble into her skin, sliding your hand lower into her boxers. Without warning, you slowly push two fingers into her. Ellie groans with pleasure. “How is that?” You ask.
There was no resistance as your fingers started to slide in and out slowly.
“Fuck—“ Ellie cries out.
You pepper soft, feather-light kisses along her jaw, up to her cheek, her temples, over her ear. It’s a gentle contrast to how deep your fingers are curling inside her.
Your thumb presses down on her clit as your fingers continue to work. Ellie lets out a sob, her fingers flex on your waist. She’s feeling so much, you can’t even read her face anymore.
“Tell me how it feels.” You whisper in her ear, your hot breath adding another sensation.
Ellie’s eyes were shut tightly. “I— I can’t— good— it’s so good—“ She manages, her voice trembling.
You silence her whimpers by capturing her lips in a kiss again. She kisses you back messily, unable to keep up. Her body starts to tremble, you know she’s getting close.
You move your hand deeper, faster, knowing it’ll push her over the edge.
The tension in her body finally snaps.
Ellie cries out, a loud, shameless moan. Overwhelming pleasure crashes through her body. She squeezes her eyes shut tight as she trembles, her back lifting off the mattress.
You slow your hand down, kissing her just under her ear, letting her ride it out. A layer of sweat covers her body, her breath comes out in small pants, she collapses back down into the mattress.
Your hand slides out of her boxers, you place a shaky kiss on her cheek. “You okay?” You ask, softly.
Ellie’s eyes flutter open softly, she smiles sweetly. “Soooo good.”
You smile back and peck her lips with a quick kiss. “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” You say. Ellie immediately feels cold and exposed at the loss of your warmth.
You return with clean hands and a warm washcloth. You stand at the edge of the bed, gently pulling down her boxers. Your lips part at the sight of her fully undressed for you.
“You’re staring.” She says, blushing.
Your eyes rake over her again. “You’re so pretty. Can’t believe I left these on the whole time.” You laugh, taking her underwear and throwing them across the room like it was personal.
You put a hand on her knee, opening her legs. You wipe between her thighs with the warm cloth, wanting to keep her clean and well taken care of. Ellie feels blissfully relaxed, surrounded by white sheets and fluffy pillows, lucky enough to be pampered by you.
“You’re still dressed.” She pouts, bottom lip jutting out. “Your turn now?” She offers.
You laugh. “I’m okay, really.” You say, shaking your head.
“Not fair.” She complains. “Your turn.”
Your smile gets even bigger as you turn around and rummage through your suitcase, tossing some clean clothes at her. “Can I be honest?” You ask.
Ellie nods. The energy in the room shifts as soon as you say it. She prepares herself for the worst.
You climb in bed beside her. “I’m really fucking tired and sore after trying to destroy your confidence on that court earlier.” You joke. “So… how about… in the morning?” You ask.
Ellie’s eyes light up, despite your dark joke. “I can stay?” She asks excitedly, pulling on the clothes you gave her to borrow.
You climb in bed and pull her in close, pressing your chest against her back, wrapping an arm around her. “Yeah. But don’t get used to it.” You say, kissing her shoulder through the t-shirt.
Ellie scoffs playfully. “You’re the worst… God, let me do something for you for once. Let me take you out, make you feel good, anything.”
“Where would you take me?” You ask, playfully.
Ellie doesn’t even hesitate. “Italy. Let’s go to Italy.”
“Italy?” You question.
She turns to face you in the bed. “Italy. I’ll rent us a villa in the countryside. We won’t talk about tennis. No phones either.” She smiles at the thought.
You raise your eyebrows. “Oh really?” You ask, digging for more information on this daydream.
“Our villa will have a big kitchen and a pool. You’ll wear the smallest bikinis you own for me. I’ll cook for you everyday. You’ll be my little Italian princess.” She says.
Your cheeks start to hurt from smiling. “You have this whole thing planned out, huh?”
Ellie continues. “We’ll take day trips into town, eat at little restaurants with those cute tables on the sidewalks. I’ll feed you pasta and kiss you in public every five minutes. We can go shopping, I’ll get you a new designer bag, maybe some shoes.” She has a ridiculous smile on her face to match yours.
“Will we drink wine?” You ask.
“So much of it. I’ll carry you to bed at night if you drink too much. And we’ll sleep in instead of getting up for 5AM drills. So what do you say?”
You exhale slowly, thinking. “It’s tempting.”
“Let’s go next week, after you win this tournament, because I know you will. We both deserve a break.” She pleads.
“Ellie— that’s crazy—“
“Crazy?” She repeats. “You know when I want something, I’ll do anything to get it.” She smiles, brushing your hair behind your ear gently.
You hold your breath for a moment, hesitating. “If I win this tournament we can go to Italy.”
Ellie’s mouth falls open. “If?!” She asks, shocked. “When.” She says, confident in your skills. “When you win next week, I’m booking us the first flight out to celebrate.”
You lean in to kiss her softly. “Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it.”
Summary: Jessie moves away when she transfers to a new team. You’ve been apart for far too long.
Warning: The usual smut. And language.
When Jessie received an offer from Bayern, she couldn’t turn it down. She’d finally be able to play more minutes and she’d have the comfort of being reunited with old friends and mentors.
The crowd cheered as the final whistle blew. You stood up in your seat and cheered, clapping your hands enthusiastically.
Jessie played nearly the full 90 minutes and she’d gotten one assist - and it was only her first game with the new team.
You were able to secure a transfer out there, but it was going to take a bit for time for it to take effect. Until then, you and Jessie were going to have to be long distance and travel to see each other whenever possible.
The flight was short enough, the trouble was your schedules. Between Jessie’s back to back international duty, pre-season camp, and your work, it’d been over a month since you’d seen her.
You watched as Jessie and the team walked the field, thanking fans and signing autographs. She clapped and chitchatted with teammates, but her eyes were searching the stands. You purposely stood back until she was starting to pass your section and you headed down to stand alongside the other fans.
“Jessie!”
She stopped dead in her tracks, now standing erect as her head scanned back and forth across the crowd until her gaze landed on yours. You grinned at her and gave a wave. A look of shock was quickly replaced by elation and excitement.
“Y/n!” She yelled as she sprinted over.
She nearly skidded to a stop right before the barrier, giving you a watery smile before rushing forward again and pulling you into a tight hug. She pulled back a few moments later to grab you by your jacket and into a kiss. You felt her both grin and sink into you as her teammates erupted in catcalls and teasing. When she broke off your kiss her cheeks were bright red, but her smile said that she wasn’t giving the teasing much mind.
“I didn’t think you could make it.” She said in wonder. Her eyes glistened and she quickly swiped at them, trying to hide the emotion. “I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea.”
“I missed you too, baby,” you echoed with a kiss. “I couldn’t miss my girl’s first game with her new team.”
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Jessie asked, disbelief still in her voice. You gave a small shrug with a crooked smile.
"What would be the fun in that?"
She was about to offer you a quip when she saw your gaze flick over her shoulder to the rest of her team who was now walking away. You gestured with a nod their direction.
“You better catch up and go greet the rest of your fans,” you said with a wink.
“I’ll meet you after?” She asked, eyes big and hopeful, as if there was any doubt. You had to laugh.
“No. I’m going to go visit my other girlfriend.” You ribbed and quickly kissed her as soon as you saw a pout begin to form. “Of course, love.”
Afterwards, you were with Jessie and the squad at one the team's favourite hangouts as they celebrated their first win of the season. You'd finally gotten the chance to meet the famous Magda and Pernille that Jessie had praised endlessly. And, surprising to you, they were thrilled to finally meet you.
"Jessie is just over the moon," Magda had said as Jessie got up from your table to get you another drink, eager to wait on you. Pernille laughed as they both watched Jessie walk away, but still glance over her shoulder back at you with a bright and endearing smile.
"Truly. She's been talking non-stop about you since she got to Munich, Y/n. And I didn't think she could be more smitten, but here we are," Pernille had joked.
"Our baby's all grown up," Magda said with a wink.
They'd teasingly warned you that if you ever hurt Jessie, you'd have to answer to them. You took it in stride and told them between them and the entirety of Chelsea, you'd be a goner if anything went south. Despite the joking though, you earnestly told them that you'd never intentionally hurt Jessie. You felt so grateful to have her in your life, and honestly, you couldn't picture anyone more perfect for you. You'd never do anything to jeopardize your relationship with Jessie or hurt her.
After drinks with the team wrapped, you went back to Jessie's new flat. It was crazy to think that you'd only seen it via Facetime. You chuckled to yourself as she excitedly pulled you down the hallway to her door, your bag and hers slung over her shoulders - she insisted on carrying yours too - and let you inside.
She eagerly gave you the tour and your heart fluttered at the touches she'd arranged for you not even knowing you were coming. Drawers left empty for your stuff, a space for you to work, and she beamed as she handed you the extra key already on a keychain designed after your favourite show.
"You are so good to me," you said with a tender smile as you took the keychain and cupped her face gently to kiss her. "How did I get so lucky?"
She smirked at you, though very satisfied with herself that you were happy with the place. "Well, you work with Julia, who's friends with Niamh, and Niamh introduced us, and we hit it off, so..."
"Yeah, alright," you laughed and kissed her again. "I love you." You stayed close, your forehead resting against hers as you looked into her eyes. "And I've really, really missed you." She tilted her head to kiss you, the kiss a bit rushed and hard, her hands coming up around your waist and pulling you tight before she pulled back a bit.
"I've missed you, too." Her gaze was both sad and determined. She took the the keys from you and tossed them onto the table a few feet away before pulling you tight to her once more. "I don't ever want to go this long without each other again." You nodded wordlessly, feeling she had more to say. She inhaled deeply, her sculpted shoulders rising as the breath filled her lungs. "I've never missed anyone like this," she expressed. "I don't want to be without you."
"I don't want to be apart either," you reciprocated, your hands now caressing the back of her neck. Your hips subconsciously rocked against her as you took a deep breath of your own in an attempt to ease the feeling that was starting to build inside of you.
"It feels so good to have you in my arms again," she said, her voice holding a slight rasp in it as her gaze wandered down your neck and back up as she kissed you. You hardened the kiss and you felt her stiffen in your embrace before exhaling into your touch. "Did you miss me, too, baby?" She asked.
"So much." Your voice was breathy and you couldn't help a small whimper from escaping your throat. Your hands began to roam into her hair and soon her hands pressed into the small of your back.
"How much did you miss me?" She asked, now dipping her head to trail kisses down the side of your neck. You chewed your lip as you let your head fall back.
"Why don't you find out?" You challenged and suppressed a shiver when she exhaled against your neck, tucking her head against you further.
"Tell me," she whispered as her fingers dug slightly into your back.
"Mm. This much," you said as you grasped one of her hands and guided it between your bodies. With your other hand you coaxed her head back up so you could kiss her while you pushed her hand inside your underwear and straight to your heat.
"Fuck, baby," she shuddered, her knees giving out oh so slightly for a second as her fingers were immersed in your wetness. "Oh God, I missed you," she said as she began gliding her fingers through your folds.
You gasped at the contact you'd been craving for weeks upon weeks now and you ground yourself down against her fingers.
"Oh God, I love you so fucking much," Jessie's voice now strong as she removed her hand and collided into you with a kiss as she ushered you to the couch, you both falling into the cushions as you continued to kiss.
She guided you so you were fully laying down. Her hands roamed under your shirt, massaging your breasts before she pulled your shirt off along with your bra. She leaned down to take one of your breasts into her mouth, her teeth grazing your nipple before circling it with her tongue. You were engrossed in the feeling, your back lifting off the couch to meet her mouth.
She sat up, causing you to open your eyes at the sudden lack of contact. You looked down your body to see her sitting up and giving you a hungry look. She placed her hands at the waist of your pants and removed them swiftly. She reached down and ran a couple of fingers along your lips through your underwear.
"This brand new couch has just been begging for me to fuck you on it." She leaned in and kissed you slowly, her fingers pushing your panties aside as she caressed you further. A moan rumbled in your throat. "I picture it every day."
"Jess, please. I need you inside me. It’s been so long," you pleaded. Your hips were rocking up against her fingers shamelessly.
She ran her free hand up your neck to the back of your head, her fingers splayed through hair. Your eyes were closed, but you could feel her breath shudder as she watched you. Her gaze didn’t waver as she pulled your underwear down your legs and dropped them to the ground. She ran her hand back up the inside of your leg.
“Jessie!” Her name filled the room as she entered you, her fingers easily sinking to her knuckles with how wet you were. You winced in pleasure as the nails of her other hand dug into your scalp. You didn't have to see her to know how much slipping inside of you did for her.
"Y/n," she rasped. She curled against your body, using her strong legs to press higher up into you as she began kissing down your chest and taking one of your breasts in her mouth once more.
"Oh God," you whimpered as you dragged your nails along her back, her shirt bunching beneath your fingers. You tugged sharply on the fabric and she huffed before giving you a kiss and quickly discarding the shirt. You sat up, hooking a hand behind her neck and pulling her down with you into another kiss as she sunk back inside of you.
"Fuck, Y/n," she breathed as she expertly curled her fingers inside of you. "You feel even more amazing than before." She gave a pleased moan. "Right between your legs is where I belong."
"Oh, Jess, I missed you so much. You make me feel so fucking good," you moaned as you wrapped your legs around her waist and pulled her further into you. She kissed you hard in response.
"You're so gorgeous. I feel like I can't get close enough to you."
That was the thing with Jess. The sex could be primal, physical in its rawest form, but it was always emotional. It truly felt like you couldn't get close enough to each other. There was so much emotion, so much magnetic force between you, that fucking the life out of each other was the closest you could come to expressing how much you loved and wanted one another.
"Oh God, Jess," you clutched at her, pulling her impossibly tighter to you. "I'm gonna cum already."
"Yeah," she said, a smile crossing her lips at how quickly you were coming undone for her. "Let go, baby. Cum for me."
"Oh fuck, yeah," she nearly hissed as you tightened like a vice around her fingers and she felt a rush of your arousal pool in her palm. She subconsciously ground her hips into the back of her hand and your thighs, her own arousal becoming nearly unbearable. "I've been dreaming of this. I missed you so much."
You had barely come down from your high when Jessie pulled her fingers from your sopping pussy and hoisted you into her arms. A small squeal escaped you as she chuckled and carried you to the bedroom, laying you down on the bed.
"I'm not done with you yet," she told you, her eyes shining as she looked down at you before reaching into her side table and retrieving her strap.
The sight of Jessie putting on her strap and crawling up your body had you pulsing in need all over again.
"Is this okay?" She asked as she settled over you, but sure not to go too far.
"Jessie, you better fuck me and keep showing you how much you've missed me," you whispered as you pulled her to you.
A grin crossed Jessie’s face as she grabbed the strap and rubbed it up and down your folds, getting it slick.
She placed the tip at your entrance and gradually pressed her hips forward, wanting to give you time to adjust.
The fulsome moan you released as she bottomed out in you nearly caused her to start bucking her hips into you, but she steeled herself and slowly drew back before smoothly sinking back in again. This time she moaned with you as the friction heightened her arousal.
She slowly began picking up her speed and steadily the sounds of her fucking you filled the room. Between the wet sounds of her pumping in and out of you, your panting mixed with needy groans, and her name falling off your tongue, Jessie’s eyes grew nearly black with lust.
“Nothing could be better than this,” she declared. Her eyes were trained on you as she adjusted her position, moving one hand up to the headboard to brace herself as she began sinking herself even deeper into you. You let out a particularly wanton moan as you dragged your nails down her sides and drew a hiss from her. She still didn’t skip a beat.
You noticed as she glanced down to where your fingers now anchored themselves by her hips. Immediately, you saw the red marks they’d left in their wake. Before you could even contemplate feeling bad, she spoke.
“Wish I could get your marks tattooed on me. Have you with me all the time.”
“Jessie,” you panted. You reached down and grabbed her ass with both hands and started pulling her into you in time with her thrusts. She growled in approval before picking up her pace and rolling her hips with each thrust to really hit your sweet spot.
It wouldn’t have been uncommon for her to flip you onto your hands and knees and fuck you with such need and intensity, that you’d need to bury your face in the sheets and scream her name. It’s not like she wasn’t fucking you with overwhelming passion and ferocity right now - the shockwaves of pleasure shooting through every time her hips slammed home into you, and certainly the way you knew you’d barely be able to walk after were proof enough. However, it seemed today you both needed something more intimate. When she wasn’t kissing you, her eyes were locked on you, her gaze so intense and as if she were memorizing every angle of you. You relished in the feeling of her body on top of you, her trained muscles flexing and moving so exquisitely as your hands rediscovered her.
She placed both hands on the bed, threading under your arms and she moved her powerful legs up, pushing your own up and back so you were in a full press. She kissed you deeply as she began rocking deeply and furiously into you. Soon the sounds of the bed knocking against the wall echoed through the room, only partially drowned out by your growing cries of pleasure. From Jessie’s hitched breathing and her whimpers in your ear, you could tell she was just as close as you were to her high.
“I want to make sure every time you're wanting, anytime you're wet - you think of me. And nobody else can satisfy you. The only things that can truly give you what you need are my fingers, my cock, my tongue. Me,” she panted in your ear. “Cum with me, baby. I need you.”
“Jess!”
Your legs tightened around her and your nails dug deeper into her back as you screamed her name. You convulsed as she slammed into you with a cry of her own, her body tensing in your embrace. Her breath came out in ragged, shuddering gasps as her own orgasm ripped through her.
You were still in a haze when you felt her grow limp in your arms, collapsing on top of you as her back rose and fell as she worked to catch her breath, you only just now really noticing the sweat that was dripping down her. You kissed her tenderly.
“Jessie,” you smiled, running your fingers into her hair and caressing her. “That was beyond incredible. You are way too good at fucking me.”
Jessie let out a tired chuckle, but lifted her head to give you a slow smirk.
"I have to make sure you don't forget me when you go back to London." Her tone was only half joking and you shot her a frown.
“I could never. In any sense.” You leaned forward to kiss her. "And for the record, I love you for far more than your fingers, your cock and your tongue."
She buried her head in your neck, you still spying the beginnings of a blush on her cheeks.
“You better,” she said, her voice muffled against your skin. You kissed the side of her head and laced your fingers together with hers.
Summary: Jessie's not a particularly jealous person, but when it comes to you, well, things are different. You and Jessie are missing each other while Jessie's out with the team and you're at an event.
A/N / Warning: Inspiration finally struck again. The usual warnings still apply - smut, language, etc.. Hope you all enjoy! Oh, and I defaulted back to Jessie being with Chelsea. I'll switch over eventually!
gif credit to @glimmerofawesome
"How's your night going, beautiful?" Jessie blocked out the din of the bar she and the team were in as she sent you a text.
"It's fine. Missing you, wish you were here. How's your night?"
"It's okay. Pretty boring, but I've still gotta stay for a while longer. You know, fulfill my social duty and all."
"Too bad. I'm heading out soon. I hate these networking events. I've dealt with enough drunk flirting for one night."
Jessie sat up a bit in her seat, eyes narrowing at her phone. "Sorry, what?" She typed out.
"You know. Smarmy partners from out of town getting a bit too confident after a few drinks. I'm okay - please don't worry, but yeah, promises of dancing and a good time despite me explicitly saying I have a girlfriend. A gorgeous and wonderful one, at that."
Jessie's chest tightened and burned as she read the message. You were beautiful and charming, so it was really no surprised that someone would hit on you. Still, she didn't have to like it.
"Well, I'm glad you're leaving. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully it hasn't been too bad."
"As if you're a stranger to being flirt with lol. I've seen the way the girls look at you ;) I mean, I should know, I'm one of them. But no, it's all good. Like I said, just makes me miss you."
"Well, text me when you're home so I know you made it safe. And get away from all those lecherous girls (and guys?). I don't like hearing about them looking at my girl ;)"
"I know, baby. Believe me, when their eyes were raking over me, all I thought about was you and the way you look at me when you're on top of me."
Jessie's eyes widened momentarily as her head snapped up to look around, suddenly very aware of everyone around her. Thankfully, everyone seemed mostly preoccupied. Before she could think beyond the visual of pinning you to the bed beneath her, her phone buzzed again.
"They don't know how good you fuck me. They don't know how good you make me feel."
"Fuck," Jessie whispered before she could stop herself. The feeling that went through her was instantaneous. She fidgeted in her seat, eyes darting around self-consciously before tapping out a reply.
"Jesus christ, baby girl." Send. "What are you trying to do to me?" She exhaled shakily and tried to ignore the heat she felt rising to her cheeks.
"What do you mean?"
She smirked. You knew damn well what you were doing.
"Babe."
"I mean, I guess it wouldn't hurt to stay out longer. Go dancing."
Jessie's grip tightened subconsciously on her phone as her eyes bore into the characters on the screen.
"Well then I'm coming there." Jessie rapidly typed out her reply, holding back the desire to write "Not without me, you're not." Jessie didn't consider herself a controlling person, she trusted you and you were both secure in your relationship together, but well, you just had a way of working her up. The thought of someone else wanting you, touching you, having you - she knew it was all harmless, but it drove her crazy nonetheless.
"Yeah? And what?"
Jessie looked around again before responding.
"And I'll make sure the only person who's grinding on you is me."
"Mm, baby. I love when you get like this."
A smirk tugged at the corner of Jessie's mouth.
"Your hips against mine. I'll move your hair to the side and kiss down your neck, my hand on your back and pulling you close to me." Jessie bit her lip briefly. "And if you're good, I'll lead you by the hand to the bathroom and fuck you. Your cum pooling in my hand as you tighten around me."
"Oh my fucking God, Jess. You're so hot. You've nearly got me touching myself in the back of this cab. I can picture you next to me, your hand moving up my thigh. I'd give anything to have your fingers inside of me."
Jessie exhaled again, looking around the room as she steeled herself. She checked the time on her phone.
"Baby, please. I need you so bad already. I want you on top of me."
Jessie's eyes scanned the text before she locked her screen again. This was getting out of hand. It buzzed once more.
"Show me I'm yours. I wanna scream your name."
"Hey, you okay?"
Jessie startled, nearly jumping out of her seat as her head snapped up to see Niamh looking at her with concern.
"Oh! Yeah, yeah," she nodded, doing her damnedest to seem nonchalant. She grimaced a bit. "I'm just not feeling that good. My head's pounding." She really should try to stay longer...but fuck it. "I think I'm gonna go."
"Oh okay, well, feel better. I'll see you at practice tomorrow?" Niamh asked as she gave Jessie's shoulder a squeeze.
"Yeah, for sure. I'm gonna go - you can let people know if they ask, right?"
"Don't worry. Rest up."
Jessie gave a half-hearted smile and wave and was out the door.
"Where are you?"
"On my way home. I'm so wet for you. I need to do something about it."
"Fuck," Jess breathed again. She typed, "I'm headed home, too. My baby needs me to take care of her."
"You have no idea. No one makes me feel like you do."
"They better not." She replied simply, biting her tongue on the matter as she climbed into the back of the car.
"Well, I guess you better get home soon and show me who this pussy belongs to."
Jessie exhaled sharply before readjusting her position. The tension that was mounting between her legs kept her from sitting still. Her mind was racing with thoughts and images of the two of you together. She needed you. She wanted to take you. And even with how much she loved and respected you, she wanted to claim you.
She rolled out her shoulders and gripped her knee tightly as she tried to relax.
Time went by achingly slowly as you sent teasing message after teasing message. Your messages were exhilarating, but taunting at times. It only made matters worse when her phone buzzed showing a phone call from you. She swallowed as she picked up.
"Hi, my love," your voice came through from the other end of the line. Jessie gulped once more as her nails dug into her leg again. "Don't say anything. I just got home. I'm getting undressed and I'm getting ready for you. Here - listen." Jessie's eyes fluttered shut and her jaw dropped as sounds of your wetness filled her head. Her eyes only opened again when your voice filtered back in. "That's how much I need you. It's all for you."
"I love you so much," Jessie said as she bundled her shirt in a fist, loss for words otherwise and desperate for some kind of release.
"I love you too, baby," you replied softly. "I can't wait until you fill me up."
Jessie's mouth fell agape once more. The craziest part of it all is that you were nearly as reserved as she was in day to day life. The fact that you were like this with her and her alone made her feel like she was on top of the world. She'd allowed you into a special place in her heart, in her being, and you'd done the same for her. Nothing could be better.
By the time the cab pulled up in front of your apartment, Jessie felt like she might burst out of her skin.
She took the stairs two at a time as she ascended the stairwell up to where you were waiting. She grunted in frustration as she fumbled with the keys before the lock turned and she threw the door open. Her gaze was immediately drawn to the light coming from your room down the hall. She'd taken off her shirt and thrown it aside and was already undoing her jeans by the time she rounded the doorframe to see you lying on the bed, head thrown back, fingers massaging your clit.
"Fuck, babe," Jessie breathed as she quickly finished undressing and climbed up onto the bed, immediately grasping your hand and giving you a kiss on the back of it before pushing your legs back and tasting you.
You let out a cry at the touch and placed your hand on the back of Jessie's head as she began to lap up your juices.
"Oh my god, baby," you moaned, hips gyrating up into her mouth. "I love you. I needed you so bad. Oh my god."
She moaned in appreciation as her lips closed around your clit and she sucked hard at the sensitive bud. She smiled as your hips jerked at the action.
"You taste so good," she mumbled as her tongue trailed up and down between your folds. "And you're all mine." She grinned again as your fingers tightened in her hair.
"No one else's," you affirmed in a breathy voice, followed up by another moan as she flicked her tongue across your clit. She continued to devour you and it wasn't long before your cries filled the room. "Don't stop," you pleaded as you gripped her hair tightly and began to cum. She moaned deeply as your legs flexed around her head and she continued to lap up your juices like it was the only thing that mattered in this world.
When your legs finally relaxed and your hips fell back down to the bed, she laid one more kiss on your lips before wiping her chin and climbing up your body. As she did, ran two fingers along your folds and grinned at the small cry you let out as your hands gripped her biceps. She leaned down and whispered in your ear as her fingers traced around your entrance.
"You still want me to fill you up, baby?" She nipped at your earlobe. "Make your pussy mine all over again? Make sure you keep thinking of me and only me anytime someone else wants you?"
"Oh god," you moaned in need as you writhed beneath her.
"Do you want me, baby?" She asked softly as her fingers continued to tease you.
"Always," you whimpered. "Oh god, Jess. Please, I need you inside me."
She wrapped her free arm around your back and leaned down to tenderly kiss your jawline.
"You're the only one for me," she said before sinking her fingers deep inside of you. Your breath caught in your throat and she bit down on your collarbone, stopping herself before it got to be too much.
"Fuck, you feel so amazing," she breathed in reverie. "You feel incredible every time." She shook her head as she slowly pulled out and moved back in. "God, so tight."
You didn't hold back, your moans filling the room as Jessie began to pick up her pace. "You feel so good inside me, Jess." You clutched her to you. "You fill me perfectly."
Jessie growled in approval as she began to fuck you harder. Even if you hadn't laid a finger on her, she was dizzy with pleasure from knowing how good she made you feel and to know it was because of her - no one else - her.
"Baby, you're perfect for me," she praised as she took you in.
A night out with her team, fan adoring her and flirting with her, she didn't need it - all she wanted was to be with you right now. To be the one to take you high and over the edge. To fall asleep with you, wake up with you and breathe you in.
Your grip tightened on her and your cries rose in pitch. She kissed your neck tenderly.
"Go ahead, baby. I'm here, I won't let go," she coaxed you as your sounds echoed off the walls and you began to tighten around her fingers.
Her name fell from your lips as your whole body tensed up and all the pleasure building inside of you released. You were vaguely aware of the whimpers that came from her as she bucked against you and pulled you ever closer.
As you drifted down from your orgasm, she slowly and gently kissed up your neck and face. Your mind and body finally calmed and she reached your lips. She gave you a soft kiss coupled with a sly grin.
"Hi," she said. You were still catching your breath, but managed to nod and return a lazy smile.
"Hi," you chuckled. You brought your hands up to cup her face and kissed her again, deeper this time. She returned it earnestly, grazing a thumb across your cheekbone. You smiled once more and gave her a soft peck. "Thanks for coming home. I missed you."
She laughed and kissed your cheek. "I missed you, too. Could you tell?"