Iya

The girl with so much hair on her face

[yoiyabanana]

IF WE LOSE SIGHT OF LOVE

I will be true to the promise I have made. -God

Written on: June 20, 2021

Remember:

There is nothing you can do that can destroy the plans I have for you.

Seasons will change, but not my love for you.

It may not be him, but trust that it is I.

My promise to you stands firm,

And you will see in my perfect time.

[yoiyabanana]

TO THE HOLDER OF MY AFFECTION

next to the Lord

Written on: June 2021

I always pray the He protects you — from all earthly things and temptations

and that He embraces you as much as He is gentle, but firm with me.

[yoiyabanana]

Just Like Old Books

photo courtesy of Aliis Sinisalu via Unsplash

Just like old books that get worned out,

You flipped through my pages and knew what I was all about. 

I remember when you did not want to put me down

Even when we were about to drown.

Just like old books that were put away,

You found something new and held it day-by-day.

I can only watch as you dance around

With fresh pages and make that silly sound. 

[yoiyabanana]

Pakibukas Na ng Mga Ilaw.

Ang hirap hirap naman nito, pucha. Hindi ba pwedeng tayo na ulit?

Minsan akala ko okay na, ayos na.

Akala ko ‘di na ako iiyak, tipong nakakaraos na.

Tumatawa buong gabi at nakakatulog hanggang umaga,

Nang hindi nililisan ang aking basang-basang kama.

Sa umaga, naiisip kita pero lumilipas ang alala.

Nakakaligo nang hindi mata ang unang nababasa,

Nakakapag-ayos nang hindi umaasang ikaw ay makikita.

Tuluy-tuloy lang, nakakarating sa kanto nang walang bahid noong mga luha.

Alam mo, may mga hapon din na parang nakakasalubong kita.

Tumitigil ang lahat, pati ang aking munting paghinga.

Isang beses, nag-ring ‘yung cellphone ko sa lamesa,

Napaisip ako bigla kung ikaw ba, ngunit bakit ka tatawag pa?

May mga gabing sumasaya na akala ko tapos na

Ang paghihintay sa baba para sa sundong hindi na darating pa.

Tipong nakakauwi ako nang bahay na walang takot mag-isa

Sa kamang humihila sa damdaming kong lumilimot na.

Ngunit, hindi pala. ‘Di pa pala lumilisan ang alala,

Sa puso kong kahit pagod na pagod na,

Sa isip kong manhid na manhid na,

Tila hindi pa rin nakakalimot sa pagsuyo na dati ay inaaraw-araw pa.

Nagsimula ‘to lahat sa Biyernes kong tila napakahaba.

Hindi matapos tapos kahit lahat nang pwedeng gawin ay tapos na.

Naglakad nang mahaba, gumawa nang higit pa sa alam ko ay tama.

Nilunod ang sarili sa oras na dapat ay para na sa paghiga.

Ayaw ko na naman umuwi sa takot na mag-isa.

Dahil sa mga pangako mo sa ilalim ng aking kama

Sa mga liham na nagtatago sa gilid nang mga bintana

At sa boses mo na bumubulong pa rin sa aking tenga.

Kung pwede lang na iwan kong basta-basta

Ang multo ng mga paborito kong alaala,

Maniwala ka,

Gagawin ko agad sa abot ng lahat nang aking makakaya.

Wala akong ititira ni isang letra

Kahit na ang pagsabi mo ng “Kumain ka na?”

Ngunit kung ako man ay tunay na makalimot na,

Buksan mo lamang ang ilaw at sabihing “Halika na.”

[yoiyabanana]

Thoughts I Did Not Need to Think About

I wanted to write so badly, but without knowing how to keep up with my vocabulary. My mind was racing; my emotions were tugging. My breath was running, and I find my fine soft hands slowly typing. I guess, the clues you left on my mind were still there, and they were as alive as ever. It was as if I had imagined you being nearer when I was walking away elsewhere. You were like a thought I did not need to think about. You just ran your way to mind and exited without warning through my heart. It is exactly as you did when you broke my heart.

But today, I think I understand. That you only needed a muse and I became that muse. Your warm, caressing hands, they wrote the most beautiful words when I slept away and when life simply just went between our ways. The strings you held so gently made the most beautiful sounds when my perfume was the only one you would ever want to chase. Songs you sang were full of rhythm and were all so familiar, like we dreamt of them almost every night.

I do understand now... Because as much as I wanted to move past and away from you, you make me speak of the most beautiful poems I never expected to make. I thought it was only my mind that remembers you, but my body recognizes your memories way too well than I have ever hoped it will. And I can only fully understand how your love made me feel when I wrap this gasping of air in words, in voices...in letters and in way too familiar terms.

[yoiyabanana]

You are Not the Question.

“You are not the question. You are not the problem.” 

“You are not a muse.”

“If he leaves you with a car alarm heart, you may learn to sing along. IT IS HARD to stop loving the ocean, even after it has left you gasping... salty. So forgive yourself for the decisions you have made.”

[yoiyabanana]

An Unfinished Letter: To the Person on the Other Line at 5:30 AM

Dear you,

Maybe we don’t deserve each other.

Because I tried so much to bear with you through your most troublesome nights, while you left me in my most painful times. You did to me what you have never wanted to be done unto you – what you have been begging all those girls not to do to you.

Do you remember asking me for several chances, too?

I might have even broken myself trying to fix you and give all that you want, but when it got hard enough for you, all you can think of was getting rid of me – quickly and easily. I almost begged that morning for you not to but you were too eager, that 5:30 AM seemed to be the best time for you. You told me before that breakups should never be done on the phone, yet you did not have the respect to do otherwise.

I guess ngayon, after 10 years, patas na tayo.

[yoiyabanana]

Hanggang Kailan Pa?

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Sa mga araw na gusto mong itigil ko na

Sa mga gabing nais mong patahanin ko na

Ang mga luhang ‘di ko alam kung pasasaan pa.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Kahit na sabi mo ay ayaw mo na

Kahit na sabi ko pwede pa ba

At ang sagot mo ay pagod na pagod ka na.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Kahit na ang puso ko ay pagod na pagod na

Kahit na ako na lang ang natitirang mag-isa

Dahil sinabi mo na wala ka nang gana.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Hanggang sa ang rason ko ay sapat pa

Hanggang sa ang pag-ibig ay nandito pa

At ang anyo nito ay parehas na parehas pa.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Hanggang sa araw na kinakaya pa

Hanggang sa gabi na naaalala ko pa

At ang luha sa kama ay basang-basa pa.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita

Pangako, hanggang sa abot ng aking makakaya.

Ngunit ako ay may isang hiling lang sana,

Na kung ito nga ay ang dulo na...

Mga bituin at langit, hayaan niyong ako ay makalimot na.

[yoiyabanana]

How to Make a Storm

The storms were raging, so was my heart and throat. It was a bad night and my pillows were just as soaked. Although I was pretty sure that the heavy rain was beyond my window, it sure felt like the harsh winds were ready and strong enough any time to blow. I heard the rain pour on every street, but lanes of memories in my head were louder than each of the thunder beat. I got up and reached out for some light, but it seemed like the weather has dimmed almost my every night.

I prayed and I prayed… and looked for answers that the rain could not have made. I said, “It must have been me,” “my shortcomings and everything that I failed to see.” But today, thankfully, the storm passed a bit and it moved further away from me. Maybe it was a work of both the heavens and the sea, with the sun and the clouds deciding that they will leave us be.

“No, my darling, it takes two to make the skies better,” so I was reminded by the heavens as the clouds changed to form and letters. It was as if that even though I seemed forgetful of our every season’s flow, it was you who chose to already let me go. 

You told me how sad you were in summer with only empty conversations and deserted vacations. So now, you would rather have us soaked in the storm without each other. In fall, know that it was never my intention not to call. Your rest in that season was more important to me and that is truly all. Understand that I would always rather have you beside me thru any of it and even all. Came winter and all the good things froze – even your heart did, when mine was simply searching for a refuge and its home. 

We forgot to talk through the struggles and all the hard feelings that grew bigger as seasons went old...and these, these made all the storm.

[yoiyabanana]

Sa Mga Gabing Walang Pag-Usad

Sa mga gabing akala ko ay hindi na lilipas,

Sa bagyong hindi ko sigurado kung paano makakaiwas,

Ito na marahil ang isa sa may pinakamalakas na paghampas,

Tila hindi umusad sa kalenderyo na may pagluha hanggang bukas.

Sabi ko isusulat ko na lamang

Ang sakit ng mga paang hindi na makahakbang,

Ang pagnginig nang mga tuhod na kaya na lamang gumapang,

Hanggang sa sana’y makarating patungo sa kahit saang malapit ka na lamang.

/6th-day/

Please come back to me.

[yoiyabanana]

Bakit kailangan magbago ang anyo ng pag-ibig?

Hinango ko sa Ang Nag-iisa ni Juan Miguel Severo

Bakit kailangan magbago ang anyo ng iyong pag-ibig?

Hindi ba pwedeng isantabi iyang galit,

At ang iyong damdamîn ay ang pangungulilang pilit umaakit?

Halika’t hayaan mong pawiin ko ang iyong pagod,

Kalimutan natin ang oras sa loob ng yakap kong humahagod.

Nakikiusap, sabihin mo lamang, lahat, at lagi sa akin,

Hindi ako magagalit ngunit magtatanong lamang ng bakit?

Pakiusap muli sa puso mong minsan ay akin,

Na huwag kang magkimkim nang kahit gaano kaliit na lihim.

Baka pwede natin balikan noong tayo ay may iisang anyo ng pag-ibig,

Naalala mo ba noon na “mahal ko, ikaw lamang” ang bukang bibig?

Sakaling maalala, may isang pusong may mabigat na lumbay

Ikaw lamang ang hintay; sa pagsundo mo na tila aking naging bahay.

[yoiyabanana]

2 AM's weren't as pretty as they were before. Today, she woke up to sounds of paper being torn Heartbreakingly, but she doesn't remember having even one around. She could have sworn these weren't hers But then again, everybody knew she loved to write. It had strokes awfully familiar, but not hers; It had words she heard of once, but again, were not hers. As she sift through the pages that were left, She thought that they could have been really pretty. Left was how they feel soft and fragile like her bed on a Friday; How they smell fresh and lovely like fresh flowers on a Sunday. But at half past 3, they only looked as lost and tired As she was on a damn Wednesday. "These pages were not supposed to be written on," she said "He wasn't supposed to find and write on them as he did," and she went back to bed.

[yoiyabanana]

The way you smell feels like a thousand strings pulling every inch of her.

From her feet, those tiny grounded feet Wrapped in ribbons and colors you swore to have seen only in a morning’s garden.

She also swears she could never danced again, But she’s on her toes now after walking away from love she swore was meant for her once.

Her hips, those hips you swore you can make love with every night Dangling with cloth that can barely keep your 16 year old self’s secrets.

She can never stop complaining about those hips Saying they were never right for her, just like how she convinces herself every night that you weren’t either.

Her back with that bare skin you knew would hold you prisoner Arching every time those caloused tips of yours touch.

She could have told you a hundred times before about her body Who never knew how to make love with anybody else before you.

Her chest that could have exposed how breathless she was Rising as you pull her closer with something distinct that can only remind you of pillows and perfume.

Her arms with hands that you perfectly described as beautiful Clinging onto you with that soft flower-sweet skin

Her lips, those peach-colored lips Damped with carefully put-on color, always wanting to be anywhere near you.

[yoiyabanana]

She might have written about you somewhere and told you about it last night.

Curious, as always, you rushed to find where she kept it this morning. You came knocking — panting and sweating — the early afternoon.

You told her how tired you were, but with love, and a smile.

There, she knew. You found it.

You found what she kept hidden from boys like you all these years.