[MSG:] What if you jacked off onto some soil and then some humans started sprouting?
[MSG:] For the last time, we are not naming our child “Actual Proof I Lost My Virginity!”
[MSG:] What’s life without a pregnancy scare?
[MSG:] I got a masters degree in being ignored.
[MSG:] He sneezed into my face mid-kiss.
[MSG:] Well, PukeFest 2k14 just happened.
[MSG:] No worries, I’ve prioritized my homework into “can do drunk” and “should be sober” categories. We’re good.
[MSG:] I’m giving head in a stairwell, I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m so ashamed.
[MSG:] I can only rely on you and Taco Bell.
[MSG:] I just shaved the Batman symbol into my pubes.
[MSG:] Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That’s my life now.
[MSG:] I’m like the Sherlock Holmes of figuring out people’s sexual fetishes.
[MSG:] I’m giving my fifteen year old sister blowjob advice. This is probably illegal somewhere.
[MSG:] Someone in this bar yelled “OI, SLUT!” and I automatically looked up.
[MSG:] I’m laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
[MSG:] YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIDN’T KNOW. THE “CONGRATS ON TAKING MY CHILD’S VIRGINITY” CAKE SHE GAVE ME SAYS OTHERWISE.
[MSG:] Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
[MSG:] No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we’ll call it even.
[MSG:] I stopped you from sending your teacher nude pics last night. Once you sober up, you owe me, BIG TIME.
[MSG:] He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
[MSG:] That audition I went to? Turned out to be for porn.
[MSG:] Pro tip: sex on a waterbed is not as good as an idea as it sounds.
[MSG:] I don’t care how ugly she is, I can’t turn down a free movie and blowjob. In this economy that’s downright irresponsible.
[MSG:] You’re the third person to ever have sex with me. (Well, for free.)
[MSG:] I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse.
[MSG:] Um, that’s called prostitution.
[MSG:] I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
[MSG:] Not sure what I need more… a shoulder to cry on or a dick to suck.