My life in a nutshell

[yoorigrace]

Priorities

I don’t have my priorities straight right now and honestly it could make me lose my job. I haven’t been feeling to great emotionally, physically, and mentally and honestly I cant feel it taking a toll on me. Its only been 2 months into the new year and I already went through a series of problems and i can’t seem to get my shit together. I want my life to be balanced, but I seem to be digging myself into a deeper grave. There are so many things I want to do, but can’t seem to find the motivation to start. I thought I was doing well until last week. I won’t go deep into detail, but I seem be making poor choices when I know what I should be doing with my life right. I have to get myself out of this situation and make myself a priority. I can’t be putting someone first when im only an option to them. 

[yoorigrace]

Support

I don’t take compliments well because I don’t think I deserve them. Although people have supported me I’ve never felt that they were being genuine. This has to be the first time where I actually felt the encouragement and support and it feels so good. Our relationship is very confusing because I know he doesn’t want me just for sex and I don’t either. I’m taking things slow because of the past traumas in my life, but I’m scared of being hurt again. He said he would never do that to me, but I’ve been told that by so many men and given empty promises. Have my standards gotten so low that even the norm makes me happy and giddy?

[yoorigrace]

Sad at the world

I can’t believe I live in a country with so many ignorant and racist people. I wish people would read more and open their eyes to what is happening right now. Instead they decide to shut themselves up and only believe what they want to believe. Even when people try to explain the situation and give proof they still will not budge on their stance. Why don’t you want to change your views? Why is it so hard for you to understand? Why won’t you research it on your own?

[yoorigrace]

6 Months

Corona has halted my career, but I’m not complaining. Honestly felt like i need this 6 month break from my life because of the life I used to live. I was working two jobs and never had a break. I would still hangout with friends and then go to work the next day because that was my only source of break from my hectic life. Honestly the first two months were pretty hard because I wasn’t use to not doing anything in my life. I found so many hobbies that I would love to do but felt myself becoming lazier and lazier. fast forward and its already been 6 months since I haven’t worked. I still do my friends hair occasionally, but its not the same as going into a salon and working under someone. I know that I need to go back into working, but I want to find the right salon I want to work at. I feel like I dread going into the current salon, and want to find a place that I am excited to go to. Maybe I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist. Maybe it’s just not possible...

[yoorigrace]

Don’t tell me it’s common sense

I went to get food with my friend and decided to go to a bakery to eat there. We also bought drinks from the bakery since we were sitting outside there table. The worker from the bakery said this is the last time but we can’t have outside food. I said well we bought something so I thought it was okay? And he had the audacity to lecture me about how it’s common sense but I said sir I don’t need your explanation I get it. But he just would not stfu. Mind you there were two tables outside which he could have brought out more tables but was too lazy to bring them out. Don’t try to belittle someone to make yourself feel better. It’s common sense not to act that way towards customers. Mofo

[yoorigrace]

Nice guy

I’ve met this guy and i find him so attractive intellectually. He is so motivated and seems to have his life together and it makes me want to be the same. Although I am not physically attracted to him, it’s nice to have a change in pace because a lot of the guys I’m physically attracted to don’t seem to have their shit together. I feel so dumb around him because he is so smart, but it makes me want to pick his brain and learn from him. Honestly, I don’t see him in my long term future, but whatever we are doing it’s fun right now. 

[yoorigrace]

Come and go

It’s sad that you won’t know if the current people in your life will be with you 10 years from now, 6 months from now, or even tomorrow. That your friendship of 5 years could be gone in an instant. As my life goes on I realize that people come and go so quickly in your life. Those close bonds you make and think will be a lifetime turn into nothing. But I believe those people had a purpose in my life. They were there for a reason. I can’t deny they made me happy, but maybe they just weren’t meant for my future.

[yoorigrace]

Sometimes just being there is enough. The silence we hear is okay. I have always been the type to bottle my feelings up. Never let people know my emotions. Maybe it was because my dad told me when I was in high school that I was embarrassing for crying. Or maybe it was the fact that I was always trying to prove myself that I was better.

Just being in the vicinity can help people feel less alone. Even with the billions of people that surround us daily. You never know the truth in how one feels.

I’ve grown up to never show my true feelings Bc it was seen as a weakness. But sometimes these cultures need to change. It’s not okay to bottle them up. Let them go and actually feel what you feel.

[yoorigrace]

April 2020

Its been a month since this whole pandemic shut down my work place. It was easy the past couple weeks, but now I’ve been itching to go back. I’m grateful to have this break and not have to worry about finances due to me still living dependently with my parents. I can’t imagine if I didn’t have my parents with me and what I would be doing right now. No income in and just bills, loans, and rent due. Hopefully this will all dissipate soon and we will be able to return to our normal lives. I honestly don’t think we will be able to go back to work until July and August at the latest. Thats pretty much 1/3rd of the year not working...welp. 

[yoorigrace]

Covid-19

This is crazy. We are in a pandemic and I really didn’t think things would get this bad. I wish people in the states were more cautious about leaving there homes and realize this is going to get really bad if we do not isolate ourselves more. People our age don’t realize the harm they are doing by living the same life they have been doing by going out to bars, hanging out with friends, and leaving the house in general. I can’t help to think that the people in this world are so cruel. Lets think about others for once and not be selfish. I understand it can be hard, but think about the future. Lets be compassionate and selfless and bring this world back to what it once was. Maybe we needed this to reevaluate ourselves and give us a moment to think.  Stay safe y’all. 

[yoorigrace]

Distractions

I’ve been off of work for a week and I realize the reason I keep busy all the time. It’s to keep myself from thinking. I think about my life, my career, my family, my friends, and one would think it would be positive but it’s not. Negative thoughts run through my head and I can’t help but to beat myself up. I’ve watched literally every show I’ve wanted to watch and tried to do something, but I just lay in my bed and I don’t know what to do. I’m not the only one that likes these distractions so is it okay to feel this way? I have motivation, but what is this. I’m happy and want to be alive, but why. It’s okay though, I’ll be back at work soon and maybe then I can forget.

[yoorigrace]

Things falling apart

I’ve realized a lot of things do not go according to plan. Ever since I was little things tended to always go my way and I always did what I want. Now that I’m 24 years old, I’ve been struggling a lot and things haven’t been going according to plan. I know that these hardships will only help me for the future, but I can’t help but to be defeated and be in deep conflict. I have so much to think about but  when I ask for advice from everyone I only listen to myself. I try to distract myself whenever I think about my future, but I shouldn’t be scared about my decisions because even if I do fail I just need to get up. Failure is what leads to success. Try every route and figure out what works best for me. Stop fearing the unknown and take that path. You’ll never know until you try it out. That anxiety and fear will go away once you realize it was nothing. Even if it was something there are so many things you can do to fix it. It’s not the end of the world. 

[yoorigrace]

Getting my hopes up

Everytime I get my hopes up and tell everyone...it seems to fall through. Not with just jobs, but seems like everything in my life. I want to be grateful that I even get to have these opportunities, but it sucks having a set plan and then all of a sudden no plan because of one stupid reason. I understand from a business point of view, but it’s just hard to accept. I know that in the end it will be better in the long run and maybe a better opportunity will pop up, but I can’t help to be upset. Am I really making the right decisions because nothing seems to be lining up..

[yoorigrace]

What pain do you want to endure?

Instead of finding happiness, I need to figure out what hardship I’m willing to go through. I know that great things will not happen unless you fail and try again. Those experiences help me learn from my mistakes. So instead of trying to figure out why I’m not happy. I’ve learned that the path to happiness is a path full of shitheaps and shame.

From: the Subtle art of not giving a fck

[yoorigrace]

Nostalgia

I want to find happiness again.

[yoorigrace]

It’s definitely difficult

I thought it would’ve been a breeze working their but it’s actually like I’m starting from ground zero again. They are completely different from each other so it’s really hard to relearn things when you were already taught one way. Koreans are sticklers about everything and everything needs to be done a certain way. If it’s not done this way than it is not right. I understand it’s just the cultural difference, but it’s been hard to adjust. It’s only day2 of working here and I think I’m too hard on myself because I thought I would’ve been a lot better. It’s okay though, as time passes I will get a lot better so I just need to wait. It’s okay to not get it right the first time...it’ll take time!

[yoorigrace]

Things change

It’s so funny how you never think things will change, but looking back only 6 months ago until now...and even a year ago..my life is so different. The way I think is also very different, I definitely have come a long way. I grew up and learned so much. I’m grateful for the people who have stayed and grateful for the people who have left.