Just in case you forgot

that I'm a human, too.

[youcanbesadtoo]

I am living someone else's dream.

My brother called me today to congratulate me on my new degree.

He told me, how could you be realizing my bucket list?

I replied, wasn't it just a sooner or later thing?

The plan has changed, he answered, and this degree is not in any possibility.

I am living someone else's dream.

It struck me because I was the one who used to compare my life to his.

With all his achievements that, I know I won't enjoy, and I was also not blessed.

Look at now how the table has turned, like a knock on the door from some uninvited guest

I was not ready to see the silver lining, it quickly filled up my chest.

Someone else is living my dream.

In another universe, I am making enough money out of my passion in the creative industry.

I would write and direct, I would pour my heart out to let the feeling resonate smoothly.

I am talented in that my nervous system will be able to prove, can't you see?

But do we really need to live in our own dream just to be happy?

[youcanbesadtoo]

He knows I like surprises.

So He made me chose bus instead of train

and instead of arriving 10 mins faster,

I arrived 30 mins slower,

with no one left in the boarding counter.

But that day I gained the courage

to share food to this homeless guy middle-aged

and helped pay a friend's extension page.

I shared a car with a guy who noticed me,

and told me he loved my home country

as he asked to stay connected with me.

Today I took a wrong turn

to a place best used to yearn

to a gallery full of mourn

to where grains invite flocks of feather

and where book lovers gather.

I ordered the wrong plate

but I was not disappointed.

I thought solo travelling was no longer my thing

turns out I could enjoy anything with His blessings.

[youcanbesadtoo]

Benar, aku iri.

Aku iri pada mereka yang memiliki ambisi.

Mereka selalu gigih untuk menekuni,

seakan-akan tiada tantangan yang cukup berarti.

Aku iri karena mereka berani

mempertaruhkan yang tak pasti

sembari memperteguh jati diri.

Aku memilih nyaman.

Fikirku, bukankah hidup sudah memiliki banyak tantangan?

Lagipula, aku tidak punya keberanian

memilih satu dari sekian banyak pilihan.

Itu - atau mungkin, ketekunan.

Kekhususan?

Entahlah. Aku terbiasa menemukan kesenangan

dari apapun yang hidup lontarkan.

Bagaimana rasanya diirikan?

Jangan-jangan, mereka merasakan demikian.

Buatku, hmm.. bisa jadi itu tidak menyenangkan.

Tidak bisakah kalian fokus saja pada kehidupan yang kalian jalankan?

Aku tidak bisa mengelak dan melawan.

Selalu kusampaikan dengan nada kekaguman,

walau sebenarnya, maksudku, agar mereka mengartikan sebagai dukungan.

Jujur, aku senang mengakui kalau kami memang berteman.

Mereka menjalani kehidupan yang tampak membebaskan.

Tidak ada tuntutan,

hanya ulenan yang menguatkan.

Lagipula, ketika mereka besar, aku bisa bilang bahwa aku dulu mengambil peran.

(hanya bercanda, aku tidak yakin itu manfaat yang patut diperjuangkan)

Tuhan bilang, manusia memang Ia ciptakan dengan ambisi.

Ia menginginkan kemajuan teknologi di bumi.

Lalu, ambisi apa yang aku miliki?

Berambisi untuk memiliki ambisi?

Belumkah waktuku berhenti?

[youcanbesadtoo]

Why is it so hard

knowing that we’ll part?

Shouldn’t we feel glad

that we met?

[youcanbesadtoo]

Ekspektasi

Dulu aku bisa

Menggerek ekspektasiku kebawah

Demi menghindari pahit kecewa

Rasanya, aku biasa

Menggeser ekspektasi semua

Agar jauh dari kecewa

Serta bersih-bersihnya

Tiada kusangka

Aku tersandung juga dengan kecewa

Berkali-kali, berlipat ganda

Membuatku mati gaya

Aku ini harus apa?

Mungkin aku sengaja melupa

Mungkin itu caraku bertahan

Mingkin juga ia hanya menumpuk di sudut sana

Mungkin tanpa kecewa

Perasaanku belum tentu sempurna

Mungkin ini caraku membuka mata

Dan lebih dalam merasa

Rasa-rasa yang ada pada manusia

Percayalah, ini tiada apa-apanya

Ini hanyalah antara

Aku dan perasaanku saja

Aku senang belajar cara menaklukannya

Cara menerimanya

Agar aku semakin lengkap menjadi manusia

Seutuhnya

Sejujurnya, aku bersyukur masih bisa merasa

Dan aku didampingi orang yang tepat

Untuk menemukannya

Dan menganalisanya

Masuk lewat telinga,

Keluarpun lewat telinga

Itu ujar mereka semua

Sebenarnya, aku bisa

Entah kenapa aku tidak percaya

Pada kemampuan diriku semata

Mungkin aku terlalu banyak berpikir

Mungkin juga aku terus memproyeksi

Namun yang jelas, aku selalu berekspektasi

Tentu ia memiliki peran yang penting

Dalam membangun batasan diri

Hingga aku pun diminta merekalkulasi

Satu hal yang bisa kulakukan sendiri

Mungkinkah aku akan mampu?

Entahlah, aku terus meragu

Bagaimana cara menurunkan ekspektasiku?

Sepertinya, aku butuh waktu

Celah dan jarak sepertinya akan membantu

Aku sudah melakukan peranku

Yang masuk dalam radar pengetahuanku

Dan aku masih prrlu

Memahami diriku lebih jauh

Sungguh, tiada penyesalan dariku

Ini tantangan yang bergigi tumpul

Jatuh bangun ini tidak membuatku layu

Aku menerimanya dengan hati penuh

Bahwa ini sesuatu yang bisa kutempuh

Dan kukuasai dengan ampuh

Aku hanya perlu

Menggunakan akal pikirku

Memahami maksud batinku

Melalui beberapa waktu

Dengan panduan Sang Maha Penentu

[youcanbesadtoo]

It's raining again after a very long day at work.

I wish I could write looking up,

I won't ever have to miss my feelings,

I would remember every parts of my stories,

and perhaps I would be more content.

But I chose to sleep,

let's make better memories.. again.

[youcanbesadtoo]

Oh dear, I love you,

I really do!

But please be true

to you.

[youcanbesadtoo]

"I knew it from the beginning

There was nothing, I knew it all

But you believe only what you've seen

I will accompany you to that place"

To the man who knew I was crazy enough,

but still willing to help.

[youcanbesadtoo]

Today was incredibly heartwarming.

I got back in touch with a former colleague with that high level of trust and respect to one another,

I attended the beautiful wedding I know my good, detailed friend has put a lot of attention to.

"What you want the most is to be what you always were."

It feels like I have found myself again.

So many burning desire,

my adrenaline still rushes within me.

I don't understand yet what happened, but today feels different.

I am back, b#tches!

[youcanbesadtoo]

Semesta-

Semesta mendukung.

God has its own ways to mold me,

to let me gulp my own feelings,

to stop me from questioning.

I won't let Him down,

just as I won't let my bosses at work down.

Everything he gives me,

every chance that come,

every chance wasted,

all for a reason.

He loves me, and this is how He shows me.

[youcanbesadtoo]

For me, travelling on busway is a luxury.. of time.

You have enough time to enjoy the streets,

no thoughts head empty,

feeling estranged

in a crowded space.

I've always liked

to roam free and not being recognized

- perhaps to some it becomes

a luxury, too.

So how does that change the definition?

[youcanbesadtoo]

Q3 was indeed my saddest phase.

The urge to be sad is too strong. Even now I can't sleep.

To think that I will lose 2 of my best friends at workplace.

In school, it's a bit more expected. You end things and you begin a new phase at the same time.

At work? Apparently, the heartbreak feels much worse.

Even when I don't think I'm too attached with them.

Today, I realize I'm ashamed to be sad.

I know sadness exist. I used to recommend to my friends to embrace their sadness.

I did embrace it, all by myself. Yet it's still too painful to bear.

We shouldn't be ashamed of our true feelings don't we?

Is it perhaps because I'm afraid to deal with awkward responses of people's various form of empathy?

Is it because sadness isn't part of my branding?

Is it because sadness is messy?

Is it because sadness was taught to be covered up by society?

Is it because when you feel sad people will know to give you room to breathe?

What's so sad about being sad?

How to accept being sad? Is it bad to stay sad?

[youcanbesadtoo]

Inexplicable.

Today, we did a farewell to my beloved colleagues. Some are having it this week, one is not until 1-2 weeks later.

I don't know why I cried.

I hate how he can't tell me what's really on his mind.

But I can't hate him because he's me.

I may do that to people I have trust issue with. Perhaps especially when I'm the only one I trust one.

I can't say that I'll miss him. We're having trust issue on each of us. I don't share him my personal stories and neither does he.

Maybe I will miss having someone as dependable as him.

Maybe I will miss having him around. For the sake of being around.

And I wrapped the night with your goodbye.

[youcanbesadtoo]

Everytime there's thunder, I always think of You.

It's as if You're accompanying me sleeping through the nght.

My bad- You were always there.

But I don't always remember You.

Things have not gone too well lately,

but I trust Your timing,

because You know best.

[youcanbesadtoo]

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSRUcfm4m/

"If I loved you less, I'd be able to talk about it more"

A good friend of mine passed away last year.

I was shook. Shook to recount that we've only spent so little time together- I don't think I told her how much I love her.

That bothered me a lot. It brought me uncontrollable guilt.

I repeat it over and over again: 'Have I told u how much I love you?'

Well, according to Jane Austen, perhaps I can just feel it.

And just hope that she knows about it.

[youcanbesadtoo]

I've adored you from the start,

know that anything you do won't break my heart.

This scenario I have never planned, anyway.

https://youtu.be/mxUjeyTLc5Y

[youcanbesadtoo]

When I'm about to go to sleep,

my mind resists- don't you know i can still run?

When I'm about to go to sleep,

my heart won't budge- we still have a lot to process, it says;

When I'm about to go to sleep,

it's as if the universe is telling me- I still have more to offer!

When I'm about to go to sleep,

I say to myself- it's only temporary,

On a lucky day,

He will bring you to tomorrow's gay.

https://youtu.be/3pJyRsJKGJA