A Life Of Chronic Illnesses❣💫

"Sometimes I think that maybe we are just stories. Like we may as well just be words on a page, because we're only what we've done and what we are going to do!"💭💬

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Yeah I can’t remember the last time where I spoke or thought of myself in any positive way. I don’t feel myself in any way that’s even remotely good/kind/nice. I severely lack any sort of self esteem, self confidence and self compassion so damn much it’s actually somewhat ridiculous. If anyone heard the things I massively overthink and say about myself…💬💭🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Can’t help but compare myself even though especially now that’s a completely unrealistic thing to do; I see that fully.😮‍💨🥴 I’m just not sure how to switch of that part of me. How to stop the overthinking and telling of myself in that way. I’m just nothing. Just have nothing nice to say about myself at all. If I can’t then Idk how i can’t think and expect others to. Not that I’m special enough to even be thought of my others. Like damn who am I😑🙄😓

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Desperate and pathetic I guess but could seriously do with a friend. A hug. And forget that eventually everyone always ends up leaving when once upon a time different things were said.

The silence hurts rn. I didn’t expect that in this situation. Silly me, silly Lucy for thinking that someone would care enough at all.

When the past few weeks - and still is - have been awful and wish to never have to experience that again. No one should. It just also made me realise how no one really cares. That how much things can change, realising how most have moved on from me, understandably. That they probably don’t even call myself a friend anymore.

When a hug would be nice but also to just talk to someone

(Even if just to distract) but I don’t have that anymore or at least it feels like that. No someone to watch my back in times of trouble. To need a friend. To just have that friend I can go to without feeling stupid and so don’t have to second guess and constantly overthink with anxiety. Its super lonely, hurts and hard. Particularly when you then remember the good time with them and missing and wanting that back. That now it’s all just memories to look back on. I didn’t expect it to end up like it has.That these days they don’t know half of what’s going on where as before they’d know and I wouldn’t struggle mentally and with confidence when it comes to speaking. Just feel like I don’t have anyone anymore. Don’t have anyone to go to when needed or to have help...And obviously I mean it in both ways, I want to be there for me and to show it. I wouldn’t know who to call if needed /in an emergency because don’t have anyone. It’s defo messing with my brain. It’s clear that being upset about that is only one sided, they don’t miss the “back then”. Much needed support would be ideal but yea no. It’s always the same. Anyway!

No matter what I still love you, I care and should you feel and tell me anything I will be there in anyway I can, even if it’s like we’re closer to being strangers these days. Sometimes you just need to talk nonsense with someone.

Hard to do this all alone. Feel invisible.

Yes I’m feeling sorry for myself. It’s just feels somewhat scary🤷🏼‍♀️ But the fact that even with life being how it has been these weeks there’s still nothing. Gutting. Need to stop holding onto the past I guess, as that’s where the feeling upset about it all comes from most of the time.

I get I’m too much for people now/past few years what with everything but that support/ that help would really be beneficial at times.

I do love you . I Do care about you. Wish for all your health and happiness. No matter how things have gone I’m so beyond grateful for you and constantly remembe the good times. From being so close to practically nothing.

[showerthoughtsofficial]

The scariest part of growing up is realizing you possess some of the same flaws that your parents have.

[artfest]

[youcandanceifyoulike]

To experience what it feels like to be wanted.

[youcandanceifyoulike]

It’s stupid but I really do miss just being hugged properly. Even more so by someone taller/bigger. I felt special when it was the right ones.

[this-onegoes]

- Blythe Baird

[aw-hawkeye-no]

Me, chewing on my Bad Decisions™ Bagel in the corner:

The Universe: What’s that in your mouth?

Me, chewing faster:

The Universe: I said, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN YOUR MOUTH

[random-stuff-time]

This was already amazing. But that reblog comment and the extra they hid in the tags (for some unfathomable reason) makes this fucking hilarious and I love it even more. XD

[punningway]

The Universe: WHERE DID YOU FIND ANOTHER SWEET POTATO?!

[youcandanceifyoulike]

I hate me, I want to change. I have nothing. I am nothing. I want a life, for it to magically get better and do the things that I thought I would be.. job, love, wedding, kids, life, friends. Realistically I know nothing is going to change, I’m going to be stuck like this. ‘Cos you know the chronic illnesses. Don’t seem me experiencing the things that I thought I would be as I get older. It’s nothing like what and where I thought my life would be in my late twenties. I can’t do this much longer, be like this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. I’m embarrassed over my life, or lack thereof. Nothing to live for, and that’s just going to feel worse the older I get. The only life I ‘experience’ is if I’m reading through a good book.

[bvckybrns]

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Would love to know how it feels to be included. Thought of. Wanted. Supported. Worthy. Appreciate. Good Enough. .

..

[anxietyproblem]

[youcandanceifyoulike]

At the back of my head I know that my mental health is no longer 100% but I can’t can fully agree and admit to feeling like I am. I feel I have no right to struggle with it. I mean everyone has down days so what’s the norm these days.

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Those moments where I wish I just wasn’t here. That I didn’t exis. They’re happening more lately.

[youcandanceifyoulike]

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Forever wanting to feel wanted.

[youcandanceifyoulike]

It’s a lonely existence. I’m getting moments where I just don’t want to do it anymore. That I don’t want to be here anymore.

[youcandanceifyoulike]

Fuck idk. Want so much to have that person. My person. My Best Friend. But like who and what even is that?! What such thing exists. One of the deciding factors that no one would even care if I wasn’t here anymore. Why am I never good enough to keep around? I would always go and call for everyone so we can head to the bus stop in the morning ready for school. And had times when I called and had to wait for them inside for a bit if they weren’t ready and so I would be answering the door to the others calling round before heading to the stop. But on the times where I may of been running late in getting out the door or when I may of been ill thus wasn’t going at all. Not once did anyone ever come and ‘call’ on those few times. It was like I was just forgotten about. If I wasn’t there they would just walk to the bus stop with not one of them having hesitation. Even if others were ill at the same time, normally I would just call for the next person, but again still never got that treatment. Although we lived on the same street, a quick walk away. I always remember looking out the window when I wasn’t going, it looked like they just didn’t think to come get me like I used to do them everyday. Even if they couldn’t come, I didn’t know until I rang for them. But I always made the effort and so seeing and knowing that it doesn’t returned. No second thought to check maybe I was just slightly late. No, I’d end up at the bus stop where they were already waiting. And even then there wasn’t a word said about it. It was always me making and trying for the effort else it would just be forgotten. If there even was anything at all even; more so invisible I must of seemed desperate and try hard. Trying to keep and maintain the friendship that I want to keep a hold of but didn’t realise it wasn’t a two way street. Too often I get this though. The feeling of being so easily forgotten, not even a thought of being missed and essentially invisible now. That I was so unimportant and with no impact for them. That even though years and years have gone by I can still remember the feeling of seeing them not even look back to check. They expected me to go and get them but I was never given the same courtesy. I just want to know so badly why no one cares. Anymore or if ever..