"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@youcanneverhavetoomuchjoy
Iām exhausted and no one seems to understand that. I just want one day of peace. Iām tired of running on empty and I want so badly to give up but something inside me just wonāt let me. I know I can get past this but I feel so stuck and feel like Iām lying to myself despite what Iām being told and what I see.
āØLate night thoughts āØ
I, uh, kinda donāt wanna be alive anymore š¤Ŗ I kinda wanna drop out of school just so I can have a break.
So I can eat a meal sitting down and just enjoy the meal.
So my stomach isnāt in knots and gurgling all the time.
So I donāt constantly feel the need to throw up.
So Iām not constantly upset and angry.
So I can spend some time talking to my friends about how Iām really struggling but doing my best.
So I can tell my friends that I love them and that Iām proud of them for doing their best.
I always try to take on the world, and the world decided to fight back with all they got.
Sometimes classics can be improved upon.
The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries : an alternate ending for Shel Silversteinās The Giving Tree by Topher Payne šÆš³ā¤ļø
https://www.topherpayne.com/giving-tree?
Please spread the word!!
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Her instagram @RunwayHair_
Facebook: Quilla Runway Hair
A hair stylist is making free wigs for kids with cancer. Please donate using the above gofundme link
I love sleep, but I canāt sleep.
maybe its bc i live in a place where forestry is one of the dominant industries but like tree planting rly isnt good. like the majority of the time its done by forestry companies toĀ āoffsetā what theyāve cut down, and they almost always just plant fir & spruce monocrops and then they prevent the rest of the forest from naturally regenerating by spraying glyphosate, because they want to kill off the hardwoods that grow back since softwoods are worth more to the pulp industryā¦ anything a company does that is supposedlyĀ āgreenā never is.
They arenāt actually replanting the forest, theyāre building lumber farms in the middle of it and trying to pass them off as the same thing to people who think a forest is just trees because they live in a world mediated by images and have never been in an actual forest long enough to be able to tell healthy diverse growth from a struggling monocrop.
white people arenāt allowed to say poc anymore bc they donāt know the difference between an adjective and a noun. now they have to spell it out, and itās spelled āPEOPLE OF COLOR,ā since a lot of you also donāt know what these abbreviations even stand for
white people can reblog this, especially if you have a lot of white followers
bc a lot of ppl in the notes have seemed to miss the point:
poc stands for people of color and person of color. āpocsā is wrong.
itās not āpoc characters,ā itās characters of color.Ā
itās not āpoc menā or āpoc women,ā but men of color (moc) and women of color (woc).
Imagine: Its 2025. You're getting pulled over. A community representative approaches to let you know you have a taillight out. They don't need your license and registration, they don't write you a fix-it ticket. You're back on the road in less than five minutes. You swing by the store and grab a new light, not because you're afraid of what the city will do to you, but because you respect your community and know that having all your lights working is part of the driving privilege.
Your neighbors got into a loud spat a few weeks ago and without fear or hesitation, called a domestic assistance number. A counselor arrived and was able to talk the couple down and suggest solutions for their disagreement. No one was hurt, the kids participated in the discussion, and it's been quiet ever since.
Your friend has been struggling with addiction and you fear they might be a danger to themselves or others. You call a substance abuse specialist and they talk you through ways to help your friend get treatment. They offer to send an agent out to speak with your friend directly and provide information on harm reduction centers in your area.
Black and brown people are no longer being exploited through tickets and fines to pay for police. Trust is slowly being fostered in the community.
Teachers are being paid a living wage and students are being given more time, attention, and education. Books are up to date and classrooms are optimized to keep up with technology.
Trump is out of office.
Itās been a very long time since the name of a murdered black person was used as a hashtag.
Casual racism is no longer tolerated. The KKK has been classified as a terrorist organization. The Confederate flag isnt flown and has been removed from any official state flags or insignias. Most Confederate monuments have been taken down and placed in storage or museums.
You trust the investigation force to deal with crime the same way you trust firefighters to put out fires.
That's what 'defund the police' looks like. What we've seen in the last few weeks shows how overreaching and power-drunk many officers are. We asked too much of them and then called them heroes despite evidence to the contrary. We let them think that they could get away with anything, including murder. Its time for change.
Copied and pasted.
Read this post, then reread it again.
Signal boost
This explains the concept better than anything Iāve seen. And it brought tears into my eyes.Ā
I hope that this comes to be
Iād never tell you this
I really needed you today. Getting that text made my whole day. It completely lifted my spirits. Then while I was waiting for you I began to get sad and scared that I wasnāt going to see you and because the time I was wasting waiting for you couldve been used to study or rest or go kickboxing. When I texted you I already knew I wasnt going to see you. This scene had been played out too many times. I went home crying, hungry, and upset because I knew I wouldnt see you and it felt like the whole day had gone to waste despite actually having done a fair amount. I bought some food and went home and right as I was about to eat, you texted me. I cried and I cried. I couldnt even look at my sad excuse of a dinner. It was supposed to be a nice pastry and coffee with some good company. Not a sad little plate of food whipped up with whatever I could find that was still edible, all alone, missing you. I watched some TV and friends helped me calm down but I was really excited to see you. I was going to tell you that and then tell you that you ruined my day and my appetite, but what good would that have done? Instead i apologized that plans did not work out and I hoped you were well. All while I cried in my apartment, wishing I was seeing you. But weāre adults and life moves on. I hope youre well boo. I miss you.Ā
Whereās My Sweet Salvation?
Itās funny how Iāve gotten everything I have wanted, yet Iām still oh so sad. Today should have been a day where I would be residing in cloud nine. I have an apartment lined up, I have loving friends, I was driven, I was outside being active and my breathing didnāt get heavy, I got to spend time with someone near and dear to my heart, and I got THE text. Despite all this, I feel the same way I did this morning and the night before. I havenāt had an appetite but have eaten out of habit and after being nagged by friends. I havenāt had the energy or desire to eat. Waking up is difficult, and going to bed is worse. I donāt want to sleep because I donāt want to do the same thing over again. I donāt want to wake up but once Iām awake all I want to do is sleep and once itās time to sleep, all I want to do is stay awake so I donāt have to go through the cycle all over again. I hate that Iām upset. Thereās no reason to be. I should be happy.Ā
Today was a great day and I know it was but for some reason it all seemed un-meaningful. I know it wasnāt and I know deep down I donāt feel this way but I honestly canāt remember most of my day. When I think back on the day, Itās like rewinding a VHS tape displayed on a tv screen. Iām rewinding or fast forwarding and I can see some stuff and I know the general idea of whatās happening but itās fuzzy and inaudible and quickly zipping by. Sometimes I can stop rewinding or fast forwarding to see certain clips but thereās no emotion. Big scenes are remembered but without the fillers, it does not mean anything, it does not affect me the way I know it should. It upsets me. I should be so happy rn.Ā
The texts were so dry. Was I boring? Maybe he texted to be nice. He said he would so he did but he didnāt want to. Iām nothing to him. Just another body probably. The last thing I want him to be. Iām so unhappy with everything. I feel lonely. Thereās no significant other and my only best friend has other best friends who theyād rather spend time with and I know I canāt ask for more time because that makes them unhappy. I just want and need somebody to hold me. No words necessary, just affection. Iām breathing fine but when I take deep breaths I tear up. Iāve wanted to cry for weeks now but nothing comes out. A few tears finally escaped in writing this, but theyāre retreating while the boulder in my throat stays. Why canāt anybody just hold me. Stephen did today and God that made me feel so happy for those few minutes. Everything went away and I was just surrounded by love and friendship. Then I fucked it up. I ruined a good thing and thatās all thatās staying with me, not the embrace that finally gave me a little bit ofĀ happiness. Why am I like this?
Gosh Goshen
When my friend asked me what really happened that night, I told her it had no effect on me. I truly believed it didnāt. Words and scenarios donāt trigger me. I donāt have PTSD the way I always assumed it would show itself. I could be completely talking out of my ass and I honest to God donāt mean to hurt anyone with this post, but although Iām not triggered the way itās always portrayed, it has seeped into my way of thinking and understanding.
While I know itās not true, deep down I believe I only have one purpose. Time and time again, it has been proven to be true. Except not really, but one is more persistent and damming than the other. The thought goes around and around in my head like a carousel. Up and down and around and around. Itās in my up in my consciousness, its down in my subconscious. Itās on the back of my mind, itās the only thing I can think about. Up and down, around and around.
Why did he have to say that to me? Why did he have to act on what the other said. Accomplices to my demise they were. I canāt be with a boy without thinking theyāre as slimy as those two were. I donāt trust that guys just want to be my friend. They all want something in return, I cant trust them. If I do, I hold them on a pedestal. l cherish them oh so much. I donāt want to lose them. I canāt lose them. There wonāt be anyone else like them.
This is unhealthy.
When they hurt me, if they do, I get hit hard. The same insecurity I try to avoid and bury deep in forgotten memories, shoots up like a firework on the fourth of july. No matter how hard I push and try to drown my insecurity and fears, they resurface like a buoy, bobbing up and down until manually taken out of the water. I cant help but feel scared. Time and time again itās been proven that Iām only here for one thing.
Iām sorry. Itās nothing personal. I really canāt get that out of my head. Whatās the point in speaking up when all youāre meant to be is a toy.
Youāre not like that and I dont think heās like that, or him, or him, or him. But I cant help but to think all of you might be. I canāt keep pretending and going through the motions. I love you all too much to do that. Except him, loving you is too soon despite what Iāve been saying. Please be good to me, I need you to be good to me. Please.
From Word Vomit to Ocean Blue
Iāve been going through a lot of despair this week. Hopefully I run out and forget to pick it up at the super market! Sorry. Lame joke. It just came to me. Like most of my posts this is just word vomit. Basically I write to get thoughts out of my head. This sometimes helps cope, other times just lets me focus again. Anyways, back to despair.Ā
This week has sucked ass. Iāve been alone with nothing but my thoughts and thatās not a good thing. Thatās a problem. People should be able to be alone with their thoughts but I cannot. Iāve cried every single day this week and have just been upset and doing absolutely nothing. I hate myself for it. I knew I had things to do but I just couldnāt physically bring myself to do it. II tried and would get a little done but once I stopped that was the end of that. I really do hate myself. Iāve been trying to be more positive about who I am and what I look like and all the good things I have in my life but I just canāt help but hate myself. This makes me angry. Whenever Iām not in despair im angry. Seems odd to most people I know because Iām a pretty optimistic, happy looking person. I am very kind and always willing to help but Iām normally boiling on the inside. I donāt talk about it much. I dont want to accept it.Ā
My dad has anger issues. Always has. I hate that about him. Hate is a strong word but itās a problem he acknowledges and refuses to fix. I know I have that trait. Iām good at keeping it under control because I genuinely donāt like that trait and donāt want it to be a part of my life. I refuse to let it take control over me like it does my father. But itās still there. I always joke about how people have never seen me genuinely angry and that itās something they never should want to see. Everyone laughs. They think Iām being dramatic, but itās the truth. I feel hard. I get excited very easily, I get very hopeful at the sight of something good, I get very scared about the slightest things, Iām anxious at the thought of failure. I get angry. Itās not always quickly, but I get angry. Genuinely angry. Donāt talk to me or I will have to restrain myself from punching you in the face angry.Ā
Iāve never been in a fight. I donāt ever want to be. Iāve been in arguments and people know Iām stubborn. I will always think Iām right because in the moment Iām blind by my anger of someone questioning me. Iām smart I know things. But then later I think back at the conversation and remember Iām human and I caused an argument for nothing. I tend to text the person later apologizing for my mistake. If I care about them that is. I hate many things about myself but spitting this out is helping me focus for my homework. Iām calming down.Ā
I miss my friends. They always make me feel better. What am I going to do when theyāre gone? How well am I coping now? I miss my boo. I miss my friends. Theyāre what keep me going. Boo is leaving. Weāve been talking about this day for two years now and itās happening. I havent seen him all week. We dont talk much or like we used to. Iāve been too depressing. Iām pushing him away. Is it because I want to and I know itās for the best or am I being self-destructive? I miss my friends.Ā
Time to study.
Just Bitching
I want to run for hours but my heart and lungs wont let me.Ā
I want to eat all the desserts but a family history of diabetes, obesity, and high cholesterol discourages me. Iāve gone from having a minimum of three desserts a day to one or two a week. Should just be one a week but life happens.Ā
I want to see him again. Heās far away. Heās pre-occupied. Heās serving our country. Heās at basics. Fuck me. Leave it to me to meet a good guy a week before he leaves for the Navy. Everyoneās tired of hearing me bitch about this, and I understand. I wonāt talk about it here or to them for now. Just wish I could see him. Hold him. Kiss him. He makes me smile. I could use a smile.Ā
I got into a difficult nursing program! I cried when I found out. Not sure if it was joy or if I felt trapped, or both. Still donāt know.Ā
I want to go outside. Itās been beautiful lately. I have no friends to go out with. Theyāre away, theyāre busy, theyāre far away, they have plans, they arenāt my friend- just an acquaintance at this point, theyāre at school, they just donāt want to see me. I hate doing anything alone and being lonely. Thatās what Iām feeling... and hunger despite eating two big meals.Ā
A lot ofĀ āIās. Was that proper punctuation? Who knows. Regardless, itās making me uncomfortable. Then again, this is my blog. MyĀ āsafe space.ā Where I go when I need to get my thoughts out or feel like I have no one to talk to. So should I really feel uncomfortable sayingĀ āIā as much as I do? I donāt think so.
A Blanket of Snow
My emotions come and go. I woke up yesterday extremely excited and within a few hours, it went away. A pit had made itself at home in my stomach and I became angry and upset at the world. I didnāt want to talk to anyone and thought about sending messages to my friends asking them not to speak to me again unless I initiated conversation first. This thought upset me and I didnāt go through with it because I knew it wasnāt what I really wanted. Instead I left my friends on read and just sat alone in my basement, looking at nothing. Where has my serotonin gone. I had an influx and in a matter of seconds, I was left dry.Ā
I went to bed last night with every intention of going kickboxing this morning. I woke up early enough for the first class and decided it was too much of a last second thing. So i waited for the next class. I waited and waited and waited. It felt like time was going by too slowly. Once the time arrived however, I convinced myself not to go. Thoughts swarmed my head about my inadequacy, questioning whether or not I truly wanted to improve myself or put myself through so much work. I tried to fight back saying this is what I wanted to do but it was too late because I was already upset and ashamed of myself.Ā
I throw myself pity parties all the time. Rather than get up when Iām down, I stay down until enough time has passed for me to feel comfortable getting up again. I donāt like this trait and I want it to go away but no one can tell me how to. They just say,Ā Ā ā you just gotta do it and push throughā but that doesnāt always work when your 12 feet underground, chained to cement blocks with nothing to get yourself up besides a twig and your own strength and let me tell you, Iāve NEVER been good at rock climbing or push-ups. MY upper body strength is dismal and my mental and emotional strength to pull myself out of depressive episodes is not much better.Ā
I want a clean state. I want a blanket of snow to cover myĀ āthe grass is always greenerā thoughts so I can start fresh. A completely new slate. Maybe I need new friends but I love all my friends and theyāre always supportive and kind and helpful, so thatās not it. Maybe I need to let go of some people despite how much it hurts me, but I cant do that because they mean so much to me. Maybe I should leave my club. What started as a happy organization is now the plot of every high school/ middle school movie ever. Maybe I need a new major. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I need to eat better. Maybe I donāt need to eat at all. Maybe I just need some guidance or therapy. Maybe I need to be left alone. Have nobody and nothing. Just sit in my basement, staring at the wall, waiting for the end.Ā
Why am I so unhappy?
