My Late Night Blurbs

Just my random late-night thoughts.

[qvotext]

(source: qvotext on instagram)

[yougivemeanxiety]

I long for the day

When I don’t look at a tube of toothpaste

And remember the way you looked at me

Toothbrush hanging out of your mouth

Grinning because I did something to make you laugh

I long for the day

When I don’t see you in everything around me

When this doesn’t hurt anymore

When I can wake up and not

Touch the side of the bed where you slept

I long for the day

I can forget you ever touched my skin, my soul

Leaving bruises I asked for

In the heat of the moment

I long for the day you no longer exist in my mind

[yougivemeanxiety]

Sometimes I think about the bowl of kinetic sand you have on the table in your living room. You know, the one with the shitty, old blue sand that gets stuck in your nails and sticks to your fingers and hands.

I think about the day we met, that bowl of gross sand settled between our thighs, our hands touching and sending chills down my spine. The TV playing a show that I can’t even remember because I was so focused on you, on the way your clothes fit you, on the color of your eyes, trying to figure out if they were more green than blue or gray or...I don’t know. It’s not a bad memory.

But then I think about all the other ones you’ve had here, all the women who’ve touched that sand because I know you’ve used it as a talking point—you’ve said that before yourself. I think about Anna and Stephanie, who you brought over while I was away because you told me you had stuff to do those nights. I think about Darby, Persephone, Sean, the other Anna, Dallas, and all the other girls I found on your phone months later who may or may not have, at some point, touched that sand.

“It didn’t mean anything,” but it does. I shouldn’t even be here right now, but I am. And I don’t even know why anymore.

[yougivemeanxiety]

When he plays the guitar

He only plays the good parts

And never the whole song

[lovelydisarray]

[yougivemeanxiety]

My favorite perfume

Reminds me of summer

The 28th of July

The day I met you

And now my favorite perfume

Is no longer my favorite

Because it reminds me of summer

The 28th of July

The day I met you

[yougivemeanxiety]

In the distance I can hear the sound of a train

Wheels clacking against the track

Laid down to get it to a single destination

Always moving in the right direction

With purpose

But isn’t it strange how

A small obstacle, a rock

Could get lodged in the wheels and

Derail the whole train

I think in the process of trying to figure out

Whether I am the train, the wheels, the track, or the rock

I realized I am the destination

[yougivemeanxiety]

My feet are calloused where yours are not

That is to say, you haven’t walked

The miles I have

In the shoes I’ve worn

Down the same rugged path

But by all means,

Tell me more about how much you’ve suffered

Treading

In shoes made for a god

Down a marble path

[yougivemeanxiety]

You like the way my body fits in your arms at night

But, really, any body would do

You like the way I rely on you, depend on you

It makes you feel like you are something more than just yourself

You like the way I come “home”

You said it makes you feel less alone, expecting someone to walk up those stairs every night

But this is not my home, and you are not my home

And I do not exist to make you feel like you matter

[yougivemeanxiety]

It won’t be long before the sun comes up

So let me lay here until it does

Because the way you look at me in this bed

Makes me hope there is a tomorrow

And a next day

And a next

[yougivemeanxiety]

The latest Buzzfeed quiz I took asked what color I see when I’m happy, but the green of your eyes wasn’t an option.

Lately, though, your eyes are no longer jade. They are muddy, a muted shade of what once gave me butterflies.

The latest Buzzfeed quiz I took also asked what color I am feeling now. I picked green. Not your green, exactly, but I think you get the point.

The latest Buzzfeed quiz I took has been very telling.

[yougivemeanxiety]

The best collection of words only come to me in the light of your living room—purple, hazy

While we’re sitting on the couch and our minds are far away and our eyes are shrouded

While I lay on your chest and my head spins because maybe I smoked a little too much

Sometimes I stare up at your Pearljam poster, reading the words “rearviewmirror” over and over again, wondering how I didn’t see this coming

And when we crawl into bed in those early morning hours, I think about all the ways you’ve been saying goodbye

And all the ways I’ve pretended not to notice

[yougivemeanxiety]

I wish I could forget December

But it clings to me like the sweat on my skin after yet another nightmare

I am tortured, I can’t breathe

I am afraid of the darkness that has become my nightly companion

It snuggles up against me while I lay rigid in this bed

It’s not like I can’t move

But if I turned over, I’d see you

And I can’t tell which is worse

[yougivemeanxiety]

It’s not like I want to be unhappy.

But when I look at you, I see forever.

Maybe I’m just waiting for the day I wake up

And decide this isn’t worth it anymore.

[yougivemeanxiety]

“It’s okay,” you said. “Sometimes the loudest voices are the ones we hear in our heads.”

And I struggle to understand why someone like you knows exactly what to say at times like this.

But I guess it makes sense. You’ve trained yourself to say the right thing at the right time, to give away just enough of your mind for me to grasp on to in desperation until next time comes around.

Trust is a fickle thing. Once it is broken, the pieces will never quite fit together again. Love is the same way, I’ve learned.

And I am tired. I am so tired. I am lonely at night even when you are laying next to me. I cannot escape the hell you have created. It chases me to sleep, stalks me in my dreams.

How do I fix this? How do I make it stop?

All I know is that in the last few minutes of the day, just before the numbers on the clock read 0:00, just before I make up my mind that I am done, I hear you whisper “I love you,” and my resolve unravels, and I forget that I should have left you.

[yougivemeanxiety]

Happiness is defined

By the way your eyes hold mine

In the darkness of your bedroom

While your breath softly touches my eyelashes

By the way you sing Earth Angel

In the bathroom as you brush your teeth

Swaying to the doo-wop beat because you know that makes me smile

Happiness is measured

By the way your arms hold me

In the kitchen

The refrigerator light shining at our feet

By your smile

My north star when my mind sails off into uncharted waters

You guide me back to safety

[yougivemeanxiety]

If only for a second,

I wish I could know peace.

If only for a minute,

I wish I could forget this happened.

If only for an hour,

I wish you could hold me.

If only for a day,

I wish you could be mine.

If only for a week,

I wish you could stay away from her.

If only for forever,

I wish you could have loved me.