I keep thinking back about those summer days we spent in the city, not worrying about a thing, just the two of us.
Exploring the town together, you showing me all those different spots I had no idea ever existed.
For some reason that one memory that popped into my head was the one of that day we showed my Chinese couchsurfers around, and you led us up to that tower where we could overlook the city, and it was a sunny and beautiful day, and I took those pictures of you up there, not knowing a thing about what I was doing, not worrying about a thing. You were improperly dressed for how hot of a summer's day it was and were getting hot and uncomfortable in your long pants and suit.
I don't know if it's been you I've been missing lately, the idea of you, or the person I used to be at that time.
I told you I was doing okay, like I tell everyone, but to be honest I don't know if I am. I miss the person I used to be and I'm not sure what happened.
I used to be so loving, caring, so exited about life. Now it feels like I'm fading away, like this city is sucking out my soul, a little bit like I'm turning into a ghost. Relationships that once mattered to me seem to be turning into strangers I don't truly, actually know, you bring one of them.
I don't know if this is just a sad part of growing up or of loosing my identity by being in a relationship - in the sense of, not prioritizing my own needs and dreams first, along with feeling more pressure from society to "have my shit together" and conform to a more conventional life now.
Who am i? Who do I wanna be? Why do I only feel like I'm "worth" something if I'm "achieving" something or "skilled" at something? Why isn't it enough to just be? What defines me as a person?bis my identity made by others or by myself?
Why is this city full of lonely grown ups? Fading away into a void of meaninglessness.
Oh die unbeschwerte Jugend.
