I think itās really super important that we address the difference between treating someone ālike a manā and supporting someoneās gender expression.
Femmes for a very very long have time have always supported butches, through gender expression and exploration.
And I might get shit for this, but quite honestly Iām really sick of seeing this hatred towards femmes for not treating mascs and butches like āwomen.ā Gender expression has never been and will never be one size fits all.
Some mascs and butches will like being called handsome.
Some will prefer beautiful or gorgeous.
Some will prefer to be treated like they are physically strong, while others will not.
Some butches love flowers (my butch does, I love making bouquets for him!) some will prefer potted plants or handmade notes.
some butches are stone tops, and some are stone bottoms - some are neither.
Some butches prefer he/they, some are indifferent, some donāt resonate with any pronouns at all. Some prefer she.
There is no one correct way to support your partnerās gender expression and exploration - the only CORRECT thing you can do is to love, accept and support them in whatever way this is most comfortable. This is sometimes as easy as a conversation. Some starters for this conversation could be:
- I just want to check in, are these compliments ok?
- I want to support you in the best way for you! are there any particular names/compliments to stay away from?
- I love seeing you express yourself! You look so handsome/sexy/beautiful
- Is there anything that I can do that is really affirming for you? If they are unsure this is a great opportunity for exploring together!
- especially if you can be apart of gender affirming processes, for example: my butch and I shop for packers together, I refer to his strap as their cock, I buy them funky boxers and keep an eye out for boxer straps in different styles (weāre still exploring this area).
What is not okay is specifically going after femmes for enjoying chivalry and the dynamic that has been taught and passed down for generations. As a femme the only time we can truly express our feminine and softness is when we are with butches, when it is finally safe for us to do so. I understand that the lesbian identity changes and grows with time and media and different generations, however I think the erasure, disregard and hate for ways that femmes have always tried to support gender expression is something that needs to be fought back on.
I hate seeing people on TikTok and tumblr (of course everyone is entitled to their own opinions) making videos about femmes and their icks with femmes.
āI got the ick when she called me handsome.ā
āI got the ick when she didnāt think Iād like flowers.ā
A lot of this is a lack of communication - just tell your femme partner, or your partner of any sort what you like. If you are unsure and you need to explore. THIS NEEDS TO BE COMMUNICATED.
I often still cry to my butch about this, I anxiously ask if they feel like Iām treating them like a man. They always comfort me and remind me that I am a femme, I am their counterpart and I am not treating them like a man - I am treating them like a butch, they way they want to be treated in their masculinity.
In saying this, it needs to be addressed that masculine people, butches etc. have been expected to be strong, cold, predatory. Iām not at all trying to erase this - this is still very real and MUST be addressed as so many butches and masculine people suffer this.
As femmes, and butches I think itās really important that we guide the younger people in the community to look up to others in the community when looking for images of masculinity and femininity, to see the ways we have always loved and supported each other in both romantic and platonic ways. Femme/butch relationships have always been symbiotic, we have always helped each other move through a world that too often disregards us. Please - defend femmes, defend butches. We have to strengthen our community and preserve what is left.
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