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@yourdailyhoroscopes
Horoscope for a Capricorn
Randy is distraught. His neighbor Martha has always seemed astonishingly average, and yet here she was on her front lawn attempting to solder her cat onto an antique armchair. “Absurd!” he thinks. “Creative?” he wonders. “Obtuse” he concludes. Randy sits at his window for quite some time, watching Martha try to hold her cat down long enough for it to be fused to the antique armchair via scalding melted metal. Then Randy smiles goes to bed.
Horoscope for a Taurus
As I approached the clearing I felt my heart flutter, as if it were trying to tell me something. She lay there, pensively and unafraid. I hid in the brush, taking care not to frighten her, but my passion got the best of me and I instinctively shouted “Aristotle!” at the top of my lungs (why this particular philosopher’s name came to mind I will never know). My cry frightened the small lizard I had been stalking and it scurried away. I fell to my knees in despair, and painstakingly reached into my jacket to produce the miniature hat I had knitted her earlier that morning. Had my lizard friend known how much I cared for her, perhaps she would not have run. I placed the lizard-sized hat gently on the villainous terrain and began to walk home.
Are cancers and Aires compatible?
Cancers and Aires go together like socialism and silly hats.
Some say that the night is darkest before the dawn, I say that the dawn is dim but the evening is dimmer. I also say “window sill” and “fervent” sometimes.
Cultural Ablation
Try being sneaky this week. Fill cans of Pringles with soot and dirt and sell them on the black market.
They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. If that’s the case then take extra care to avoid making eye contact with real estate agents.
Are Sagittarius and Leo a good relationship match?
I speak on behalf of all those who delve into thetepid, milky goodness of the stars’ wisdom when I tell you that a Sagittariusand Leo should generally stay as far away from one another as possible.
Before embarking upon a journey through the rough, openseas of relationship- taught with stingy salt and assorted viscera- one mustask oneself: “did I bring enough chutney to last me the journey?” The answer,of course, must be sought for internally, as you are the champion of your ownchutney.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
pls post
Has it been 6 months? Sorry I was just taking a shit, it took much longer than expected.
Suffice to say I won't be eating steamed echidna feet anytime soon.
ARe the virgo lady and aquarius man compatible
Does the order in which you present a platter of various fine cheeses to your ethnically diverse house-guests reflect any racist predispositions deep within your subconscious? Maybe.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
are aquarius and virgo compatible
If only it were that simple, dear friend.
The stars work in mysterious ways- sometimes I wake up with rashes all over my body. I tried changing my bed sheets to no avail, so maybe they're from bug bites or something? It sort of looks like it's an allergic reaction but I don't think I'm allergic to anything.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
Why don't you know what day it is?
If you're referring to the lack of post visibility in recent days, it's because Zachariah and I take turns doing a week of horoscopes each. I say post visibility because Zachariah has, in fact, been producing a slew of horoscopes every other week. He's just gotten very paranoid and set our privacy setting so that nobody can read them but me. His posts have actually been rather clever, and due to the upped security we no longer have to worry about the NSA stealing all of our blog money just to blow it on gun control and abortions. Don't blame us, buddy, blame the corporations.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
If you are not satisfied with this response, please contact our secretary Carol, whom we pay in canned goods and loose change.
What are some of your favorite books regarding astrology?
"Dat ‘Strology; Unlimited" by Tessa Tillsdale is a great little publication. It tastes a bit like chicken and goes great with a spicy sauce. "Poppycock and Heresy: An Astrologist’s Handbook" is also up there. It’s more sour with a yeasty kind of aftertaste, that one’s nice with breakfast or as a snack. My all-time favorite would have to be "Stars Above! And Other Short, Misguided Stories” by Elephsworth Tumbleton. I usually marinate it in a white wine sauce for a day or two and then just smother it with gravy. It has a particular crunch to it also; there might be an accompanying CD-ROM in there or something.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
November 18th
Have you even been showered in affection? It smells weird and kind of stings when you get it in your eyes. Or is that ammonia? I always mix those two up.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
November 17th
If chess is really a sport then how come there are never any fights? I'd pay to see that.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
November 16th
Craig leaves the fridge open at the end of the book and all the food goes bad...food spoiler alert!
At the end of the movie, Steven eats too many cookies before dinner and can't finish his green beans...appetite spoiler alert!
At the end of the episode, Jimmy has eaten five burritos on a dare and is in a considerable amount of stomach pain while on the very bumpy bus ride to school...pants soiler alert!
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
November 15th
Did you know that there are FREE apps you can get? And there aren’t just like 5, there are at least 10. I just got one that notifies me whenever the ancient Aztec sun god Huitzilopochtli craves a sacrifice. It plays a short happy-go-lucky jingle which always brightens my day and then a little cartoon of a blood-letting ritual pops up, complete with a frightened goat and sound effects! It's very user-friendly, but I'm getting tired of it trying to scam me into paying for different coloured goats that don't actually do anything. Huitzilopochtli is a bit of a crook, it turns out...
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
Yes, today is November 13th AND November 14th
By royal decree.
November 14th
Tax evasion can be sneaky, but also weird. Sometimes the tax man comes by and feeds me all sorts of weird plants and stuff; a straight up array of genera that I’ve never even heard of. I've entertained the thought that he might not actually be a tax man, but force-feeding me various botanicals with absolutely no explanation does actually sound like something the government would do.
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths
November 13th
Great week of daily horoscopes, Zachariah! I especially liked the one about the tooth fairy and her eccentric nematode friend, Frump. I hope that next week we can find out how they get out of that ridiculous pickle with the Ice Minotaur and the Goblin King. What wit! What adventure! What fun! Serious, what fun!!??
-Michelangelo, Seer of Truths