How to have healthy self-esteem
In order to boost self-esteem, you need to identify and challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself.
âYou need to look at your beliefs, how you learned them and why you believe them,â says Professor Williams. âThen actively begin to gather and write down evidence that disconfirms them.â
Learn to spot the negative thoughts you have about yourself. You may tell yourself you are âtoo stupidâ to apply for a new job, for example, or that ânobody caresâ about you. Start to note these negative thoughts and write them down on a piece of paper or in a diary, suggests Professor Williams. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.
Next, start to write down evidence that challenges these negative beliefs: âI am really good at cryptic crosswordsâ or âMy sister calls for a chat every weekâ. Write down other positive things you know to be true about yourself, such as âI am thoughtfulâ or âI am a great cookâ or âI am someone that others trustâ. Also write down good things that other people say about you.
Aim to have at least five things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you are OK.
âItâs about helping people recognise they have strengths as well as weaknesses, like everyone else, and begin to recognise those strengths in themselves,â says Professor Williams.
âYou might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up,â he says. âBut we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.â
Other ways to improve low self-esteem
Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.
Recognise what you are good at
We are all good at something, whether itâs cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we are good at, which can help to boost your mood.
Build positive relationships
If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions. Seek out relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.
Professor Williams advises: âBe compassionate to yourself. That means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical. Think what youâd say to encourage a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.â
Being assertive is about respecting other peopleâs opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.
One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do. âItâs not about pretending youâre someone youâre not,â says Professor Williams. âItâs picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out. Thereâs no point suddenly saying, âIâm going to be Chris Hoyâ, but you might be able to get your bike out and do a bit of cycling for the first time in ages.â
People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they donât really want to. The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.
âFor the most part, saying no doesnât upset relationships,â says Professor Williams. âIt can be helpful to take a scratched-record approach. Keep saying no in different ways until they get the message.â
Give yourself a challenge
We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. People with healthy self-esteem donât let these feelings stop them from trying new things or taking on challenges.
Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.
Where to find help for low self-esteem
You may feel you need some help to start seeing yourself in a more positive light. Talking therapies, such as counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy, can help. Your GP can explain the different types and tell you whatâs available in your area.
Read more about the different types of therapy.
You can also refer yourself for counselling or therapy. Use the NHS Choices Services Directory or visit the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy website to find a registered counsellor and therapist near you.
Hear Dr Williamsâ podcast about tackling unhelpful thinking.
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