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@yourhealingjournal
oh. sorry gotta break the fourth wall real quick because hello! i didn’t realize there are new people here. thank you for following this account and reblogging my posts - i’m floored.
anyway, you can support me on ko-fi if you are able and willing since i don’t reside in countries that make tipping possible directly through tumblr <3
treat yourself gently today 🌱 thank you for being here!
tip jar | instagram | shop (coming soon) | navigation 💖
much love to everyone today x
“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.
When you “do it scared” eventually you’re supposed to be less scared, eventually doing it scared is supposed to teach you the worst won’t happen, or it won’t be as bad as you think it is, or that the best outcomes are worth it, or you’re more capable than you thought you were. If you do it scared over and over and you’re still scared and you’re always scared, maybe it was never about pushing yourself, maybe something bigger is going on and what you really need is to be kind to yourself while you figure out what that is.
There's space for all your feelings, even when they conflict with each other. You don't have to make sense of them. Just notice them as they come and go.
Hey.
I'm really struggling with PTSD related anger lately and it has ruined a lot in my life. I feel like crap for unintentionally hurting people and feeling like I have to defend myself to the death. Do you have any advice or reassurance for dealing with mental illness and anger?
Thank you!
first of all I AM SO SORRY FOR JUST ANSWERING THIS. i didn’t get notified by tumblr dot com that i have an ask on my inbox waiting my bad
my first thought reading your ask is that anger does not make you a terrible person. & i would argue you’re not a terrible person because i have the proof of you sending in this ask which to me shows: a) you’re aware of the hurt you’re causing as a byproduct of your anger & b) you want to change and be better about it.
& then you mentioned two things i’d address separately:
re: feeling like defending yourself constantly - i don’t know what you’ve been through but it must have been really tough and exhausting. i hope you’re far away from the situation that hurts you & i’m also so sorry that the effects of it still isolates you. feeling the urge to defend yourself often is one of the unfortunate consequences trauma can leave behind.
i think defensiveness that comes out from trauma often stems from a belief that a part of you is being threatened. this can be from you or your choices always being questioned or scrutinized (threatens your security of self), not being believed (threatens your sense of reality) / having to explain yourself constantly but not still being understood, not having a safe place to live (threatens your physical security), etc. it can also be feeling threatened for your own self and survival when you perceive the threat to be too big or strong for you to handle. most trauma modalities argue any of the 4Fs are survival mechanisms that ultimately serve to protect us one way or another.
unfortunately, even after we’ve removed yourself from the harmful environment, our nervous system requires time to catch up. anger is a form of fight & like you said it feels like constantly defending yourself.
my advice (if you’re at a point where you’re ready to process your trauma & can do so safely) is to not shame your anger, but ask what is it so angry about (not in a judgmental way, but a curious one). you can keep track of an anger log to see what triggers that anger to come out. what event did it remind you of that you have the urge to defend yourself now? the roots of our current responses are wired in the past.
anger can also be a presentation of resentment that was built up overtime so you can also ask what you’re resenting about the other person or situation. i’d suggest not thinking too deep about any of these questions — writing or typing might be easier to just get the thoughts out. you may find a deeper understanding of where your anger comes from, from the process alone.
if you’re not a place to process it deeply, you can start with accepting that your anger exists. i think all our trauma responses really boil down to needing safety & comfort & protection so each time the anger comes, i hope you give that acknowledgment and comfort to yourself. it can be difficult to have gratitude for a part of you that responds in a way that can put you in a disadvantageous situation, so you can start with a neutral statement like: “I see you’re trying to protect me.” or “you don’t have to be angry any longer. you can let the anger go now. i can protect you.” (i’m borrowing a bit from IFS parts work’s framework of thinking). my point is yes your anger can be misplaced, but your anger did come from somewhere so it’s not something you need to shame yourself over because also to your other point:
re: you feel like crap, you said, because you know the anger wasn’t the response you wanted to emulate at that point in time. you can fix that. my only advice for this is to apologize once you’ve calmed down to the people you unintentionally hurt. (not saying you don’t already do this by the way) if you’d like (&it seems appropriate to disclose that in your relationship with them), you can also tell them it’s something you’re working on (e.g. let’s say you got angry at someone you barely know or only know as your work buddy, you can say ‘sorry about the other day, it was a long one’ v.s. If it’s someone you’re close with like a friend, then you can say “sorry about x event. i’m working on my anger”). you dont have to disclose the why you have the anger in the first place, but if you feel that beneficial to your relationship, go forth.
with other people in the equation, the solution is not so much to isolate but to titrate. by that i mean:
first, if you can limit the amount of contact from people who trigger you (e.g. a well meaning relative but really they push your buttons), do so for the time being.
if however these are say a deeply beloved friend who you haven’t seen each other in a while or a situation where you can’t limit contact with them (e.g. work, etc.), when you start to feel frustrated, remove yourself from the environment if able. make an excuse like needing to use the bathroom, “let me check and get back to you”, etc. if it’s not feasible and you have to stay in the room or you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, distract with doing something that can delay your response. for example, drinking your choice of beverage, walking away to get something before returning, etc. ideally we all can leave & disappear when something triggers us but that superpower hasn’t been invented yet.
i didn’t say “triggered” and use “frustrated” because sometimes there’s a build up to one snapping. build ups can range from not getting enough sleep the night before, being hungry, & anything else that can impact one’s mood regulation. the acknowledgment of where you are on the scale of being on top of your mood regulation game is dependent on you checking in with yourself daily. you can do this in the morning / afternoon / evening where you just ask yourself where you are on the scale of tolerance. mostly it’s to let yourself know like “hey i didn’t get much sleep last night so i might be a little bit more prone to being angry so let’s make a plan around that (eg. limit contact with people who trigger you, don’t watch the news if you know the news tends to make you feel bad, etc.)”.
i also think if you don’t find the idea of check-ins appealing, you can also do this retrospectively so at the very least even if you find it difficult to accept your anger, you can validate your emotions. let’s say you got angry at someone, you can ask yourself the basic checklist questions like; when’s the last time you eat? drink? sleep? any physical discomfort? all of these do contribute to our mood. maybe the coffee machine broke that day & when it happened it didn’t make you upset but it is one thing that didn’t go the way you expected so it’s another drop on the tolerance meter. & then you’ll find that wow of course you lost your cool: you didn’t sleep, your body aches, a customer was being a bit difficult even if not hostile, a lot of little things add up and then the neighbor just had to mow the lawn when i’m trying to sleep. like idk if i were you i’d lose my shit too. did the neighbor deserve it? no. could i have responded “better”? yeah but i get why i’m upset.
which brings us to the second part of titrating: mood regulation. this is a whole other thing i can get into but the gist is accepting & validating what your mood is right now (eg yes i’m angry & it makes sense as to why i’m angry — even if the situation you’re not in makes sense like the scenario above, your anger comes from somewhere. maybe you don’t even know why you’re angry but that anger is still valid. you can say: ok i’m angry right now idk why but i am and that’s okay.) then process it with whatever method works for you. trial & error. counter to what i mention about the anger log: you don’t always have to know the reason behind your anger to process it.
some activities to process anger & if you’re simply asking how to deal with anger when you feel it once you’re alone: movement helps. exercise no matter how low intensity it is still works. walking. venting to yourself on a voice note then deleting it as a symbol to delete the anger can also work. punching a pillow. squeezing a stuffed animal. screaming to a pillow. screaming to the void. needlepointing. knitting. plonk keys on the piano. crying is another option. that’s all i have for today.
now once you’re in a better mood and headspace & more equipped with skills, you can relax rule no 1 of limiting contact. ideally i’d also suggest doing some somatic work to rewire your nervous system but that’s a whole other post.
ps. sorry i get a bit sassy & humorous at the end with the scenario. i wanted to get this out asap but it’s 4 am and i am running on 2 hours of sleep. i hope this answers your ask.
shout out to my folks with insomnia & depression & delayed sleep phase disorder & sleep apnea & disabilities & other sleep disorders diagnosed, undiagnosed, and just my plain old night owls & night shift workers!! we r so fucking cool & exist every day in a society not made for us at all. and NONE of us are lazy bums or bad people for staying up late & sleeping in till noon or two or whatever whenever you get up!! no matter what anyone says!! you’re incredible and i love you!!!
Good morning, you have to be the thing that saves you
heal. your mom may never apologize to you, because she has conditioned herself to believe that she did right by you. she hasn't healed. heal anyway. your father may never apologize to you, because he can only see what he's done right. he hasn't healed. your family members may never apologize to you, because toxicity is what they were raised on. they haven't healed. heal anyway. that "friend" may never apologize to you, because he/she isn't sorry. he/she hasn't healed. if/when they reach their healing, they may seek your forgiveness. be so healed that it won't even matter. heal for you. you owe yourself that much.
THIS!!!!!!! HEAL FOR YOURSELF!!!!!! NOT FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS!!!!! BUT FOR YOU!!!!!! People often inquire how I have the relationship I have with my parents considering it all and my answer to that is my healing is not contingent on them, but rather myself. I don’t have to wait for them to heal, to reflect, to realize, and to act before I am able to. Of course it carries weight to know my parents won’t apologize for the past, and that it will always linger within our home and within our relationship, however: I am not bound by the actions or dare I say inactions of them. I owe it to myself to heal and to forgive and to stop centering the hurt people have caused me and to rather instead center my own wellbeing.
i hope you get to a point where you don’t need closure to have that event not be a thorn on your side any longer. i’m sorry it still hurts; i hope relief comes to you soon.
i promise your opportunity to succeed won’t go away when you turn a certain age. there’s still time.
I'm autistic and I currently feel like shit checklist
Hi there. Are you autistic? Do you currently feel like shit and don't know why? Try this checklist to see if you can Fix The Problem!
When was the last time you used the bathroom? If you answered "I don't know" or "at least 3 hours ago", go now!
Do you need a drink? Go get one if you don't have one in front of you.
When was the last time you ate? If you haven't eaten yet today, consider eating A Meal, or perhaps A Snack. Something is better than nothing, eat whatever you feel able to!
Is there something in your immediate surroundings that is bothering you? If the light is too bright, turn it off. If there is an annoying sound, make the sound stop or reduce your ability to hear it (earplugs, headphones, etc.). If your clothes are bothering you, change them.
Is your space messy? Pick one area of your room and clean it up as best you can. Clean your whole room if you have the energy!
When was the last time you did An Activity? Scrolling on social media doesn't count. Try actively doing something fun! Play a game you like, read a book, make something, or go for a walk.
When was the last time you Spoke to a Person? Consider talking to a person you like if it has been a while.
How long has it been since you did something Special Interest related? Make some time to do that today. Infodump to a friend, have a nice long research session, look at related images or gifs, make art about it, whatever works best for you!
Try stimming actively! Put on some music and dance, spin in circles, go to the park and use the swings!
If you still feel like shit after trying all of these things, you might be tired or sick. Go to bed early and get some rest. Hopefully you will feel better tomorrow!
Hope that helps :)
we have suffered enough; we’re allowed to be happy
what helps is actually sitting with the feelings no matter how uncomfortable it is and how much i want to distract myself from it. what helps is not shaming myself for the urge or the ingrained habit to disengage from my feelings when it crops up. what helps is finally listening to myself the way i did in the past for everyone else around me even if they never return the favor.
Tips for Cluster B Anger
~ coming from someone who has BPD and a psychology special interest Have you been feeling like your anger is completely uncontrollable and all encompassing? Do you feel like your anger controls you more than you control it? Me too! But here are some things I've found to be helpful: - Taking notes. Write down triggers for what causes your anger episodes (as well as other episodes e.g sadness or paranoia) once you come down from it and start looking for a pattern. Not only will this help you to slow down and self reflect, you can begin to either avoid those triggers or find ways to regulate the effects. - SLOW DOWN. If something is making you want to hurt someone else or yourself, slow the FUCK down. Push against the grain, step back and let yourself have a good cry or scream into a pillow. Do whatever you can to (healthily) process the emotions, no matter how long it takes, before making major decisions. - Avoid self harm, substances or unhealthy habits like disordered eating or emotional self harm. It's so tempting, believe me, but it will only serve to make things worse. You might feel like you want it to get worse now, but in the future, you WILL regret it. If you start feeling these urges, refer to the urge surfing diagram below this. - Get outside advice. Think you're splitting but you can't tell? Run the situation by a close friend or loved one and see how they feel about it. Try to relay it with as little bias as possible and see if they agree with the decision you're about to make or if you perhaps need to reevaluate some things. - Take care of your heart. I know this is cliche, but a good sleep schedule, hearty food consumption habits, hydration, exercise routine and mental health care go a long way in helping you succeed in the above tips. You are struggling with an illness, and ill people need as much care as possible. Become your own parent. This works for anger in all Cluster B personality disorders, as well as with autism spectrum disorders! Urge surfing:
