Dear Future Self

Letters, Stories & Memories

[yourpresentself]

November 5/2020

Dear Future Self,

It's been a while. I guess sometimes I just don't know what to say so I run away and hide. I don't write. I don't say what's in my heart. People may think I am open book, but sometimes I just hide my truths.

My life has been pretty much mundane since we last talked.

I still don't get the point of social media. I tried to be a part of it for a while. But it's not made for people like me. I guess I've learned to embrace that. It just feels like I'm looking through a glass cage, wanting to be accepted, but knowing I can't. And I suppose I'm okay with it. I'm okay being me. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and be someone "pretty". Or desirable. Or skinny. But I'm not. I know I am not naturally "pretty". I know that size 2 clothes don't fit me. But I know I am worth more than what my waist measures.

So I guess in some ways ... I found happiness in my self without relying on somebody's affection.

But sometimes. Sometimes, I feel I am not enough. It's a constant tug of war between what I want and what people want and expectations and the narrative we all follow. "I want to be rich" or "I want this person to find me attractive" or "I want to be beautiful". I guess at the core, it's all about acceptance.

But the most important person to accept oneself must be oneself. Some days I am confident. Until I hear the snicker or the whisper of words exchange. Or when my parents disapproving chide me and remind me that I must "lose weight". And in the fiasco of losing weight, I lose myself. I lose my truth. I lose my balance of who I am. And it's unfair. Sometimes I just wonder why people can't look past and see me. That I'm not just a person who isn't a size skinny. "I'm not skinny." And those words burrow deep. Penetrate like a blade, cut me til I bleed.

Sometimes I weep for that girl I can't be.

Sometimes I brush those innocuous thoughts aside.

I try to not let it hurt me. But it hurts.

Like how the other day I heard whispers likening me to a pig. I tried to console myself . But I felt embarrassed.

Try as I might. Sometimes those words hurt. So I put up a shield. Because I cannot let anyone break my armor. But my heart breaks. My heart breaks. My heart breaks.

From:

Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I am at the point again of not understanding the use of things like Facebook. You check their number of friends and the number skyrockets and you see their actually interactions and it's almost non-existant. I don't get it. Perhaps I've become too aware of things surrounding us. This life and what we've done to it. We just become slaves to the Internet and become ineffective. Or perhaps it's just me, who doesn't know how to be productive with all this distraction and white noise surrounding me. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, Sometimes I feel like I want a lover. Other times I'm happy to be alone. It's such a confliction These ride of emotions - One minute you're up Then you're down. I'm stil glancing at my past and what we could've been But then I remember the heart break. I guess I'm still holding on to chances That someday I won't be alone, Even though most days I'm happy To be alone. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I'm getting pretty tired of people wrongfully accusing me of starting shit. Like today for example, I was pissed and the person I was talking to got offended because they thought I was mad at them. I was mad at the situation, not the person. I'm beginning to realize that this society is made up of delicate roses and overly sensitive people. Perhaps I misdirected my anger at the beginning, but taking my silence for anger towards them is not my fault. It's as if I'm not allowed to feel that anger inside of me. Instead they told me to just quit. The point they made later on was that regardless of where I went, the situations always varied in this way. So then why are they contradicting themselves and getting angry at me for supposedly being angry at them? It's so easy to cast the first stone when you can't see your own hypocrisy. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Rain, I feel like you're going to ruin my holiday and I'm not too happy about it. Please go away soon. From: Annoyed

[yourpresentself]

Dear Person Who Feels I'm 'Not His Type', Newsflash: I am. Or I was. Or I still am (so he says). He doesn't hold my hand and he doesn't give me affection. But he does message me - asking for favors. And I oblige. Why? Because I'm young and naive and still whole-heartedly believe that I will 'love him forever' and that this is what 'true love' is. True love is to sacrifice and grit your teeth and bear the burden and ignore that little voice in your head telling you otherwise. Telling you that you're stupid for believeing that he'd fall for you. You've heard him say it on that Winter day in December. Standing there and out of the blue the proclamation comes. And this is the day you've waited for...for MONTHS. And you can feel your face light up and you can feel a spring in your step. And time goes on and on and each day it's a something new, but he's only using you. He tells you pretty things and he'll spend a minute or two on the phone having a 'real' conversation (or so you believe). He tells you he's at the diner, having a cup of coffee. That he's just woken you and wanted to call you. And you giggle and you feel that bubble of happiness inside you. But time goes on and he stays the same. Only now you feel like you're the only one who gives the affection. Like you're the only one out the two of you who gives a damn about this so-called relationshp. And once you even thought he said he loves you. But maybe he doesn't love you. And then people say things. They whisper. And people say that he's with another girl. And you feel hurt and angry so you break it off. You each go your own way. And to this day, you still think about your first love and wonder if you let slip something good.

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I'm finally grasping the understanding that not all relationships are meant to last. And I'm not just talking about the romantic kind, but also the friendship kind. When we were in high school, it seemed we were surrounded by people who we considered to our friends. And some of those people became close friends and best friends and the type of people you loved to be around and felt a connection with. As life goes on, it seems we drift from those people and it's okay. It's okay to have different friends and different lives and different passions and lose that connection. It's true that not all people were meant to stay in your life and I suppose that goes for close friends as well. As time moves on, and we each go our different path...we lose that tight bond that we once had. And even people you've been friends with for the longest time sometimes just lose touch with you or you stop becoming their first 'go to' person when they want to talk things out. And it's okay. It's okay because you realize that you've moved on too. You've went a different path and you meet new people and now those people are the types of people you want to be around and feel a strong connection with. So it's okay to feel a bit nostaligc at times and wonder whatever became of your high school friends. It's okay to feel a bit sad about it, but the good news is you meet new people that you feel a renewed connection with and you realize that they're pretty awesome too. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, Yesterday I went to the doctor's and I realized that I have a genetic disease that's causing and has caused me to gain weight. Part of me is relived in knowing that me not being the conventional idea of beauty is not entirely my fault and part of me is frightened that I'll just end up becoming 500 pounds and unable to take care of myself. I need to go see the doctor soon to get medication and or treatment to see what I can do about this dilemma now. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I don't think my parents get that conventional living isn't for me. I feel as though I've fallen into a sort of cliche. My parents - both of whom never graduated with a degree in university - expect me to achieve higher status and more stability in my life, than what they have managed to achieve in their life. Part of me doesn't want to disappoint of my parents, and part of me wants to break free from this mold. I know that in my heart, I could continue to live this path of passivity and not really embracing the whole mantra of 'carpe diem' but I'm tired of being average and bored out of my mind at the reflection of my life! Perhaps our parents do know best, but once in a while, perhaps we just have to trust that little voice in our head that is trying to steer us in a different path. I think I am listening to that voice finally and really trying to piece together what will bring me joy in my life. I always say that I have a life time to earn money. I won't, however, have a life time to do the things I want to do. I want to travel the world and be independent, but I want to also be able to provide for my family and make my parents secure in the knowledge that I'm not completely out of my mind and perhaps I do know what I'm doing. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, The thing I find most ironic and absurdly irritating is when people like to comment on your appearance. Is there nothing else you can discuss but the fact that my looks don't meet YOUR standards, because last I checked, I wasn't here to please you. Or when someone comments on your weight and says you're 'fat' and you just look at them and wonder if they can't see that they aren't exactly a fitness model either. It's like the pot calling the kettle black, expect that the pot clearly lives in a delusional fantasy. Or these people just like to perpetuate their insecurities onto other people. Like I'm pretty sure that fat people can SEE with their damn eyes that they aren't thin. Just like how I can tell if your hair is black, or brown, or blonde or auburn. You don't have to point it out. You're just wasting your breath on useless shit, when you can use your brain for better purposes, ie: talking about how to fight slavery or poverty or how to better your community. But nope, we're just going to stand here like a bunch of airheads going, "ehrmagawd, she's soooo fat". Great. You will definitely end up becoming one more person I never want to be in the same room with again. EVER. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I think I've got it wrong for so long! For years, I've been wondering why on earth I was stuck doing the same thing. Finally, a few months ago I said no more! I do not want my life to come to a standstill, and I do not want to continue living unhappily! I want to break free and be HAPPY! So I just went for a job interview today, and man, I got to say, I was slightly disappointed. I was thinking this ain't for me, that I should wait and see what else there is for me. But I've been reflecting for the past few hours and something within me clicked. How can I be happy and content when I continue on with my day in such a negative headspace? I shouldn't just whine about it not being my 'ideal'. Instead, I want to think, 'How can I serve these people abudantly and happily and with joy emantating within the very fibers of my soul?' I want to manifest the abudance in my life. Abudance of joy, wealth, and most imporantly happiness in what I do and being content to my very core! I believe in myself to change my perspective! I will be hpapy and I will be abudant! I'm in a better mood now. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, If I had only a year left to live, why would I do? You see, I've been wondering this since yesterday afternoon, and I can't seem to get a straight answer. I think I'd just like to run away, and escape from my own life. I'd go to find stillness within myself, and I wouldn't tolerate nonsense from people. I'd quiet out all of people's opinions that don't matter and I'd stay very still. In the still I want to find calmness and clarity. Maybe the truth of the matter is, I'm just not satisfied with my life. Now what does that say about me? From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, Sometimes I am so deliriously happy. I want this moment to never end! From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, My heart is heavy today. In a world living in the 21st century, there is still so much bad in this world. There is so much corruption, greed, munipulation still present. I don't know what to do, but I must do something. How can people see this and not bat an eye? I am no martyr, or Ghandi, or Mother Teresa. I am just someone, who feels inspired. I am not perfect. There have been many occassions when I have had the chance to help others, yet I turned a blind eye. But there is so much misinformation and deception in this world. I don't know what to do. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, Sometimes I wonder if I am but a forgotten character in a person's story. I think about all the people I have lusted after, and how, once upon a time, they mattered so much to me. Except, here we are, present day, and I am by myself, without any hesitation or worry about the plight of my forgotten daydreams. But there is one. There often is in all of our lives. The one that got away? Or rather, the one afraid to commit. Or rather, simply delusions in my hopes that we could have been a 'thing'. Not to say that 'thing' equates to lovers, or affairs, or late night conversations. But 'thing' as in friendships, laughter over coffee, late night conversations about things that matter. I sometimes wonder if I had taken a first step, would things have panned out differently? Or is it simply better to keep my hazy vision alive and create a facade of the reality? It is not often I think of that forgotten flame. But sometimes, the forgotten depths of my mind come crawling out, and out pour the pieces of my broken heart. Instead of mending it this time, I simply chose to give up. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, At this moment in time, I'm feeling a bit peeved. Why? Well, because I applied for these jobs right, and I'm still awaiting a response. The thing with me is I am incredibly impatiant, and all this waiting around aimlessly for god-knows-what, doesn't really float my boat. Why can't there just be an easier process? It's not like I'm doing some high tech, you-need-to-be-super-qualified job, I'm trying to work as a cashier for christ's sake. And at this point in life, I'm trying to reform myself, and to be more laidback about life and it's turmoil and causes for irritation that happens to me often, but the one thing I don't have, EVER, is patience. I just feel overwhelmed at times. It's like, the moment I decide to change myself and look at things from a different perspective, that's the moment the universe decides to challenge me and throw shit at my window. Really universe, really? I don't appreciate this. It's like you're putting me through a test, knowing full well, that I'm going to fail. And I feel like I'm failing right now, by complaining on my blog about things that are out of my control. I mean, okay, patience isn't out of my control, but waiting for a potential employer to call me back does require restraint from frustration (that I don't have). Some days, giving up is just easier then always trying to fight the feeling. Today is one of those days where I'm not feeling like being positive and looking at the glass half full, or whatever the analogy was. Today, I just feel like embracing my emotions of frustration, and stress, and concern, and anything else deemed negative. I'm only human after all. From: Your Present Self

[yourpresentself]

Dear Future Self, I can see the impact that a 'people-person' has. I see that they are showered by approval by people lurking in the shadows of their Facebook mutual friends list. I can't help but think, if that was me, it'd be the complete opposite. I'd be on the negative end of the spectrum. I can't figure out if I like it or not. I do relish my solitude. I simply cannot stand being around people. It's not that I necessarily hate people, I just don't enjoy the company. I do not look forward to being surrounded by strangers. As I like to think, I'm anti-social by choice. Then I see these people who are in a relationship. You always see it, smiling faces, holding hands, etc... Of course they only showcase the good side. But why is it necessary to even broadcast your life on a social media site? It's not like Facebook HQ is bothered. Or Instagram, or Tumblr, or YouTube. Well...I suppose there are people who are just busybodies. But I see these couples, and I don't know if what I feel is a twang of jealousy, or if I want to cringe at the fact that they now have to be in mutual agreement with each other. Agree to disagree, and whatnot. I honestly don't think I'm relationship material. I can't figure out how on earth I could stand to constantly be with one person. People often tell me that my perspective will change when I've fallen in love. Yeah...well I've fallen in love, it wasn't super fantastic. And why can't I just be content with myself? It's like the entire world needs to be surrounded by groups of two. I can't stand it. Looks like I'm going to be a spinster for the rest of my life, oh well. From: Your Present Self