They've asked... what happened... why i can't look into anyone's eyes anymore, what am I hiding?
I've had such a hard time answering; because I know I won't be understood. You'd think I'd be used to it. My whole life I've felt like I had to explain over and over again why I am the way I am, why I act the way I act, etc.
I'm here to answer that now, though; now when I don't have someone to pick apart my body language, my hand movement, my eye contact or lack thereof.
It happened very slowly at first and then ripped off like a band aid at the end. What happened this way? My hope, my innocence, my faith in people, my faith in myself, My faith in love.
I was slowly betrayed by everyone I ever trusted and loved deeply, ...slowly, slowly ...slowly. Until I only trusted one person, until I only truly loved one person (besides my children). Until I cut everyone off, but one person.
This one person had my heart. Not romantically although that is how our relationship started, he was more like my protector my keeper my opposite and at the same time, he was the parts of me I couldn't show to the world, he blatantly showed those parts that I kept so deep down inside of me. I saw my equal, but I also saw my superior. Someone who could say the things I always wanted to but never could. Someone who made the storms stop in their tracks at our door step. He took all the bad things and he didn't necessarily make them good, he just made them stop happening to me.
With him in my corner I had the power to stand up for myself, because I knew he wouldn't be far behind, and it didn't take much, he didn't have to say a word, all he had to do was make an appearance and whatever big words I spoke kept their validity. He was the monster they feared and for once I did not. He was soft and kind to me. He kept me warm when it was too cold and cool when it was too hot. He kept me moving when I needed my space and my mind right and he kept the world from falling to peices. Naturally it was easy to cut everyone else off. Too easy. Fuck them, they weren't half of what he was.
Idk what happened, but once I pushed everyone too far away to be pulled back, the monster in my closet that kept me safe all those years...
No longer cared about my safety.
I admit, I had put him thru all sorts of hell that I got myself into and he would always neatly clean up the crime scene.
But here at this point, the lowest point... is where he chose to cut the cord. I felt like it was a nightmare... because it was. One I've dreamt of many times but this time there was no waking up. It was reality. It was/still is unbelievable sometimes. I cry out of nowhere, I feel abandoned by everyone, including the one person I never thought would do that to me. The one person, who I put at the top. I did. Ultimatum would be given "him or me", it was laughable, I admit sometimes I would laugh... him... always him, who the fuck are you... I look back and wonder how many times I hurt someone like he has hurt me. I hope those wounds heal. Selfishly of course cause maybe one day mine can.
Why don't I look anyone in the eyes anymore? Because eyes are fucking liars. They can look kind and like they'd never betray you, and then they will. I'm not hiding my eyes from yours I am hiding from yours and their lies.
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