This blog will be about me spilling what comes out of my brain, when it wants to make sense of this weird world we live in. Hopefully yâall are down for that..cause I know Iâll have to be now lololÂ
⊠Quick Get To Know Me âŠ
â I really dislike blueberries  â I make art Â
â Multi-stan (yes i mean kpop đ)  â đľđˇ
â 23 years old (90s babies wya?!)  â INFP (if ur curious)Â
â I read manga & watch anime Â
â currently working in retail (4 yrs)Â
 â 25/7..will most likely be drawing when Iâm not supposed to be :)
Today I woke up at 9:45am, I think I woke up again before my alarm. It's been happening for 2 days already. I have no idea why, but it just keeps happening. Of course, I go back to sleep but I still find it weird.
Other than waking up early, ( â ď¸trigger warningâ ď¸) I personally don't weigh myself very often. But I've been weighing myself more often. TMI but my original weight is 156lbs but as of recently, I'm 151. It went from 156 to 154 to 152 to finally 151. I've never lost weight this quickly before, it might be because I've been drinking more water recently, or that I'm not eating as much as I used to. I've also noticed that my stomach has gone down a lot too.
It's honestly not a problem for me that my stomach has gone down. I've always wanted to lose weight, but I also never really thought about how to do it. Anyway...it's honestly not so bad.
I have noticed, that my mood has been changing a lot recently. I've been down a bit more than I'm used to. People have been making me more and more bothered lately. I'm also not smiling or singing as much as I used to, I've been drawing more too. I'm trying to be creative but most days I don't know what to make. I know it'll come back eventually.
I woke up feeling awake yet still tired. Yesterday was a bit different though. I've come to the point where I've become tired of my job. Every day makes me tired, I'd rather be at home than at work. Don't get me wrong I enjoy work, well the people...most of the time. It's just, I feel like, I could be doing other things, but what exactly?
I've been looking for new jobs, but the things I wouldn't mind trying, you'd have to have a degree for Babysitting? College? That really threw me for a loop. I understand you want someone educated around the baby but college as well?
When thinking of work and what to do with my life, I have this sad feeling come over me, half the time I don't know what to do with it. It makes me get frustrated more easily. I get annoyed very quickly, I get mean... but like who doesn't you know?
When everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives and doing amazing things, I feel as if I'm stuck. I don't want to be. I want change, I want to live my dreams in reality. I want to create things that I enjoy making/creating. I want more...
As a fan, seeing your favorite artist being more open about their emotions, it's eye-opening.
I know that I'm not the only one that goes through a down period. But it's so different when you have an artist you like going through the same thing. I honestly hope especially at a time like these, is that they have a genuine friend or family member to keep them in check.
I know that for me, during those times. Especially, when I'm not feeling like myself. It's not...well...great. For me, it's like I feel numb. No emotions, serious even when I see something I absolutely love. It's hard to escape it.
But that's where music comes into play...
When it comes to our favorite artists, it feels different when they actually break down. It feels, legit; like we almost forget that these people that we support, FEEL what we feel.
I just really hope that they have someone who really cares about them in their life.
There are nights when I'm able to sleep and rest perfectly fine...then there's nights where my brain will think...and think...aaaand thiiiink...
This is one of those nights...
It starts with a simple thought..."I'm kinda scared of getting older..." to "when I d!e will anyone remember me ?" to "I could literally d!e at any moment..." to "this planet is literally in space, and we are just one of so many planets out there..." (etc.)
With so many thoughts rushing through my head, I ended up giving myself what felt like a mini panic attack. My heart felt like it was going crazy. I held onto my chest as if my heart was going to fly out at any second. At that point, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I could talk to in the moment, no one was awake in the house.
Next thing I knew I was grabbing my phone, texting a friend who I knew would be up. I told him I won't be sleeping for a while. He joyfully celebrates, but soon finds out that it's something more. Every message, I send and lock my phone. Left in the darkness of my room, to wait for the vibration of his text to come through. His words were comforting as I try to calm myself down. He told me "I've read somewhere, to not believe what your mind tells you after midnight."
After seeing those words, it does make sense. The mind is a curious thing. So many thoughts, ideas, and memories, are being made or remembered. But the ones that really keep you up; The mistakes/missed opportunities, and or regrets. Those will keep you up for days. Yes, we have things to distract us, so that we don't get caught up... but...when our mind is by itself as we try to drift to sleep. That's the problem.
How do I just make it...Quiet?
I've tried, what feels like everything at this point. Melatonin has barely to no effect on me. Eating grapes before bed... nothing. Tea/warm milk, nope... breathing techniques? Only when my head isn't constantly running/ hearing music by itself. Like I legit hear music...it throws me off half the time. But what do I do?
I don't want any more questions...I just want answers... please.
Welp... I never thought this day would come. If Iâm being honest, I was honored and so humble to have this happen to me. I honestly couldnât have done this without the help of my dear mother and father.. theyâve helped me come this far in life, without them none of this wouldâve been possible. Iâd also like to thank my grandmother for helping and blessing my mother and I with these incredible features. Thank you for this moment. Truly <3
ANYWAY.. now that, that's over letâs get to the real reason why Iâm making this post.
I've been working in retail for about 3 years now, so I've seen my fair share of people. I have many customers that I enjoy seeing, I love seeing my little baby customers and their parents watching us interact, it's cute and honestly makes my day. I also enjoy seeing the many older customers that compliment me about my hair, makeup, or even my eyebrows. They also make my day as well.
What makes me want to leave my job and quit most days is when I have customers that think that I owe them something. Like this is the first time I've seen you, why do you think I'm obligated to do you're every command? I always think it's funny when they give me the "nice side" of themselves, then when they don't get what they want, they immediately drop whatever act they were doing. Make it make sense. Like why not act like that from the beginning? Do better honestly...
One of my many examples of this type of behavior happened not too long ago. It was a regular day at work, I believe I went in early and left around 6-7 o'clock. After I had my break for lunch everything was going ok, that was till a certain customer came in. she came to my line with a medium-sized order, not too small but not a cart full of groceries. She bought 6-7 bottles of wine that evening. when scanning the wine, I noticed a certain tone in her voice (a not-so-nice one at that). She didn't ask for the bag we have at my store for wine, she basically demanded it. When I told her we were out of the bags and had been for a while, her whole mood changed. I ignored it and kept doing my job, but then...
Her order is finally done!!
A FEW MOMENTS LATER...
*in SpongeBob narrator voice*
I go to hand her the receipt and while she grabs it she begins to say, with a tone to try to be sly (what seems to be under her breath at this point),
"I come here for a specific reason, to get service with a smile"
and then proceeds to walk out the door with my bagger at the time. After that interaction, I was left thinking to myself "did I really hear that, or am I imaging things?"
Turns out I didn't imagine things after all. A little while later my bagger comes back inside. At the time there was a bagger already at my register, but the previous one said he could take over for her. I thought it was a bit suspicious and it turns out that was correct. He had some words to tell me about the lady he helped outside...
Once he started talking, the things he said made me sort of giggle, mostly because the stuff he said sounded a bit odd and weird especially for a kid to hear from an adult. He told me that she was ranting about putting together stocks and talking about cryptocurrency. LIKE WHAT!? Why would you rant to someone about things that like? The kid is still growing! But that wasn't even the best part of the story. The best part was when he told me of her saying
â ď¸ curse word ahead â ď¸
"When you get back in there, tell that b!tch to smile.."
...Words I never thought I'd hear about myself..a "b!tch"? All because of not smiling at a customer?
My resting face, which looks upset, is normal. I constantly get asked if I'm okay by my coworkers, just because my face looks upset when I'm fine. It's normal to me now, I'm not going to change my appearance for anyone. Why would I smile at someone whos being rude to me? How do people use those words so easily?
ââ a perfect example of how I've been feeling lately.
Every day feels the same. wake up, go to work, take a break (if possible), go home, eat dinner, shower, sleep & repeat...
I keep joking with my coworkers saying that if I had a week to myself I probably would come back being the happiest person in the store.
but i don't know just kinda not feeling it anymore...
Theres a lot of things that I donât know..obviously. But there are many things that I do wonder about. Especially being in my 20s, what isnât there to think about? Â
Iâm only 23, but i feel like i still donât know what to do with my life. The older adults say thats normal. Well, yes, it is, but it doesnât help when they are constantly asking.. âare you in college?â âdo you have a boyfriend?â âCanât wait to have grandkidsâ You know the basic things/questions.. lol :â)Â
These days (not everyday), Iâve been questioning myself. When I do it makes my whole mood go down. Like take two days ago for example, waking up around 8:45am to get ready for work at 9:45. I head into work, everything is fine for the time being. Little later in the day, closer to break, doing my round up of carts, a marine corp guy approaches me (while Iâm not paying attention)...honestly it caught me off guard. Being a shy person, who coincidentally who works in a store thats full of people everyday, you'd think Iâd be used to it already..right?? WRONG!!!  (hehehe tricked you).Â
 Anyway at this point Iâm caught off guard and a bit startled. He then proceeded to ask me questions about work, school, and if i plan on being at my job for the rest of my life. I said âI hope notâ in a jokingly way, his response to that was âyou should take a trip down to my office some time then..â. But being the nervous wreck that I am I blurted out â I donât know about that haha..â then told him to have a good day while continuing to do my job.Â
After that interaction, it had me really thinking âis this really what iâm going to do for the rest of my career ?â. After a while my mood went down, and just kept moving up and down after that. Its not a mood I like being in, honestly and truly it makes me feel worse. Half of the time, I donât know how to make myself feel better. During my day, I was trying to figure out my thoughts and make sense of all of it. Thats when I remembered Tumblr and writing a blog/writing my feelings out.Â
So here I am back to square one, from writing in my many journals, to writing on a tumblr account that Iâve had since I was 15 or 16 (after brushing it up and making it new). Never did I think Iâd be sharing my thoughts and feelings this way, but for some reason I love writing when it doesnât include my actual handwriting. I remember one year, I think for my moms birthday or Christmas my mom made a joke towards my brother and I saying âare my kids writers?â. Some days when I think back to that memory, I think âmaybe I could be a writerâ but for my own enjoyment, if someone or anyone enjoys it Iâll continue to share my thoughts and feelingsÂ
So welcome to the one or two people who may read this..thank you for taking the time and reading and hopefully understanding my brain, thoughts and feelings. Theres more things I will talk about, but for now i will end my thoughts. This blog post has been in the works for 3-4 days now,I donât want to continue to drag it on and make myself and everyone who reads this bored. Iâll continue this story on my next post.Â
