What a feeling it is to be alone.
The room may be empty, the room may be full, but you are alone.
If there are people around you, it feels like you are on a different planet.
If there is no one around you, it feels like you need to find that planet.
Like you're a satellite orbiting the planet but you cannot touch down.
You can see what's happening, you can hear what's happening but you cannot access it.
In some ways it's good being alone.
You can focus on what you're doing.
You don't have any drama to deal with, no relationship drama, no fights between your friends because there are no friends to speak of.
Those big groups, you're on the outside of them , you see them rise and fall, you see them burst with energy and disintegrate into nothingness.
Out of those groups maybe a few may stay, maybe a few may deviate from them and still stick around . You can keep track of all that's happening. You can know what's happening.
But you can't be where it's happening. You can't be in what's happening. All you'd be thinking of you want to be in the room where it happens.
The room where it happens.
You have the key to the room.
Maybe you don't have the confidence to be within the room.
The room is overwhelming.
You feel like you know no one.
And then you step back into your usual habits.
You try. They don't respond.
And just disappear against the wall.
People used to tell me that they didn't even notice I was there. That is a worse feeling than being alone. Because when you are alone, at least there is an identity to you in the room.
When no one even noticed you were even there, that's worse.
Like you know you were there but they didn't even remember you.
Now, people know my name.
People that I don't even remember know my name.
Because I tried to access opportunities.
I've tried to do everything.
I've tried to go and meet people.
I've tried to make friends.
Even now I fall back into my older habits.
I know that it will take me a lot of time to have a long-standing friendship.
Friendship is something I believe takes two years to fully solidify.
Many times I've reached the two-year point and that's when the friendship just falls apart.
It's bad not having friends but it's good having yourself because you can work on yourself until you are strong enough to have those friends you want.
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