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yunossi

Sep 1, 2021

bebetae

repeat until death | na jaemin

genre: smut, angst, best friend’s brother au

pairings: jaemin x f. reader

word count: 13.2k

warnings: death, tragedy, loss, depression, anxiety, kissing, language, unprotected sex, creampie there are many potentially triggering topics in this fic, and it is meant for mature audiences. please do not read if you are easily affected by mentions of death and the process of coping with it.

synopsis: How do you prevent a tragedy? If you knew the events that would occur beforehand, would there be anything you could do to stop it? You used to believe in destiny, back when all it entailed was love and happy endings, but now you were skeptical. Because the world couldn’t possibly write something so cruel.

here it is! my submission for the Star Cross’d collab under @neosmutcollective. please make sure to check out the other works as well! tracking is under the #nscstarcrossd tag.

There were three rules to being Na Jaeyoung’s best friend.

One, you can never unfriend her.

Two, you cannot lie or keep secrets from her.

Three, and maybe the most important of them all, you are not allowed to fall in love with her older brother. Na Jaemin is off limits.

Off limits until you can’t hold yourself back. Until life and death separate a promise made before you could even fathom how hard you could fall for someone else. They say the right people will always walk into your life, and you liked to believe that you were destined to meet the Na’s.

But you never knew it would come to this. They always talk about when they come in, but never when they walk out.

“Mom, we’re home!” Jaeyoung called through the front door, kicking her shoes off. You’d both been friends for so long that it felt like a second home now. You even knew where all of their dishes sat in the kitchen cupboards. Before you could even think about making your sweaty self presentable after the sweltering walk back to her neighborhood, a figure walked in from the kitchen.

“She’s not here,” Jaemin said, passing the two of you with a homemade brownie in hand. “Oh, hey Y/n,”

“Hi,” you managed to force out, flustered. Jaemin always made you so embarrassingly nervous.

Jaeyoung rolled her eyes from beside you.

“Okay, then don’t bother us. We’re going to my room,” she announced. Jaemin cared so little, he didn’t even respond as he collapsed onto the couch. Jaeyoung grabbed your hand and dragged you up the stairs, huffing so quietly you couldn’t hear it over the deafening beat of your heart.

Her room was silent when the door closed. It didn’t stay like that for long.

“Do you like my brother?” Jaeyoung blurted out, her accusation making you pause. How did she know? Were you that obvious? If you were, then did Jaemin see it too?

Jaeyoung didn’t let you respond before she continued.

“It’s so annoying,” she complained, dropping her bag onto the floor by her desk before sitting into the chair. “It’s like I can’t have any friends without them liking Jaemin. You know what Hina told me? She said that Luna only invited me to her birthday party because she was hoping I would invite her to mine. So she could see Jaemin,”

The longer Jaeyoung ranted to you the guiltier you felt. In sixth grade, her juvenile problems overshadowed any measly little crush you had.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your eyes cast down in shame. A part of you wondered why it was such a crime to like someone, but apparently she had control of your feelings concerning her brother. Your mind strayed to one of the two rules she had established back in elementary school.

You can’t keep any secrets from her.

“Yeah, I like him. Not a lot though. You know Sungchan? He got cuter over the summer, don’t you think?”

You always said all the right things to her, even if they weren’t true. But lies were okay, if they covered the ones that would make her upset. Rules weren’t concrete like that.

“Just promise me you’ll stop liking him. Promise me you’ll always be mine, not his,”

She added another rule that day. One you would never come to understand.

“I promise,”

Between you and Jaeyoung, she was always the popular one. So much so that some people knew you not by name but simply ‘Jaeyoung’s friend’. Just like she was known as ‘Jaemin’s little sister’. There was no label for him, though. He was at the top of the food chain.

It was a dynamic you had grown used to over the years, and while it used to bother you, it didn’t cross your mind much anymore. Until today.

“Prom is tonight, Y/n. You seriously don’t have time to find a date,” Jaeyoung chastised, sitting on the worn pink rug on her bedroom floor. You were sprawled across her mattress, face down into the sheets in defeat.

“I know, Jaeyoung. But it’s not like I have that many guys pining over me to go with them,” you replied, your words muffled. This sad predicament had been on your mind for so long that you didn’t have the energy to cry about it anymore.

“It’s okay, you can just tag along with Jaehyun and I if you want,” she chirped, her mood significantly brightening at the new topic of interest.

Right, because I totally want to third wheel to prom with my best friend and her hot, college sophomore date.

“Maybe I just won’t go,” you sighed, flipping yourself over and onto your back. Jaeyoung’s ceiling was suddenly the most interesting thing you’ve ever seen.

“You’ll change your mind,” Jaeyoung sighed, flopping down beside you. “I know you will,”

She was wrong. For the most part, you guessed.

Two hours and a constant internal debate later, you were sitting on Jaeyoung’s bed watching her as she shimmied into her dress and observed herself in the mirror.

“It’s a bit scratchy, but I can handle it,” Jaeyoung commented, twirling her body around. Your snug sweatpants and the unoccupied dress hanging from her closet were a firm reminder of your decision.

“Beauty is pain,” you joked, a smile plastered onto your face. Her excitement excited you, and that was enough. “What time is he going to pick you up?”

“Ten minutes from now,” she replied, glancing at the clock. Jaeyoung reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, something she always did when she was nervous. You’d met Jaehyun before, and although he wasn’t necessarily her boyfriend, you had a feeling that would change once graduation came around. You had an inkling Jaeyoung was going to be in for a romantic summer.

“Well, you look beautiful, Jaeyoung,” you sighed. Your best friend turned to look back at you, her dolled up eyes sparkling.

“She sure does,” a voice spoke.

It was hard not to recognize him, even from a glance. You’d committed his entire being to memory from afar all these years. Jaemin stood in the doorway, his black hair tousled messily like it always was. He was smiling widely at his sister, who had gasped, with a singular, measly balloon floating above his head reading ‘PROM!’. Your heart froze as you watched him enter, giving Jaeyoung a big bear hug as he laughed.

Jaemin was back.

“I thought your flight got delayed!” Jaeyoung cried incredulously, but Jaemin only shrugged as he backed away.

Why didn’t Jaeyoung tell you he was flying in today?

“It looks like I made it just in time,” he shrugged. He glanced at you, confusion subtly flashing across his face. Jaemin looked like he was about to say something, maybe greet you, before a voice rang up the stairs and the doorbell chime echoed through the house.

“Oh no, he’s early!” Jaeyoung cried, scrambling to shove a few essentials into her small handbag before dashing out the door. She didn’t spare you a glance in the midst of her frenzy.

You and Jaemin both watched her leave, and the room fell under a cloak of awkward silence. You could feel his stare from across the room, and you knew how odd this may have appeared. You looked down into your lap, hoping he would just leave. He did the opposite, though. Shocker.

“Are you not going?” Jaemin asked, his eyes watching you though he didn’t move a hair closer. If anything, the answer was pretty obvious. Your silence was answer enough, and he sighed before leaving the room altogether. Good job, Y/n.

You wished you could say it wasn’t always like this, but there was no Jaemin if Jaeyoung wasn’t involved. In a way, it was his sister’s doing, but you didn’t know how to handle being around him. And so you were always the awkward little-sister's-best friend with a veil of girlish sheepishness you could never shake, her old words ringing through her head over and over.

“Promise you’ll always be mine, not his,”

You weren’t sure how long it had been, and the entire night could’ve passed when Jaemin walked back into the room and you nearly voiced out loud how much you wanted him to leave you alone. You were upset and vulnerable right now because of this situation and the last thing you wanted to do was cry in front of him.

So you continued looking down without a word.

“Y/n,” Jaemin spoke with caution, hesitation laced through his words in a tone you had never heard from him before. Especially because you were always around him when he was around his family, you’d always seen the lax, nonchalant side of him. Jaemin never seemed to care about anything.

But you lifted your head slowly, finally looking him in the eye, and he was pleading.

He was wearing a simple black tuxedo, his hair the same mess it always was. It didn’t complete the look, but it was so uniquely him that it didn’t matter much.

Jaemin was holding his hand out to you.

“Would you like to go to Prom with me?” he whispered, your eyes darting between his face to his hand to his clothes, with barely the capacity to comprehend that this was actually happening.

“Jaeyoung wouldn’t want me to,”

You hated that that was the first thing you thought of saying. You could see in his expression that he felt the same. Jaemin kept his hand out stubbornly, his eyes boring into yours.

“I don’t want you to miss out on this, Y/n. And if you going out to have fun on your prom night can’t spare Jaeyoung’s feelings, then I’m willing to take the fall with you,”

He’d been back in town for less than two hours and he’d already made a ruckus. Jaemin knew this might blow up in his face, but when he looked at yours and saw the pain behind the mask made for his sister, he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk away without regret.

And so you placed your hand in his, and committed your favorite crime.

It was hard to say you were fashionably late when it was clear in your appearance that you had just thrown on your dress and slapped some minimal makeup on your face. You hadn’t had time, though, so you hoped everyone would be looking at Jaemin instead as you clutched his arm on the way inside. His parents had gone on one of their biweekly evening walks, so Jaemin saw it as a perfect opportunity to snatch the keys and race off with you in their car.

The gymnasium looked completely different, decorated to be like stepping foot into another realm outside from the darkly lit parking lot outside. The theme this year was Under the Stars, very cliche, but it came out much better than you thought it would. And before you could admire the atmosphere any longer, you were interrupted by a familiar face.

“Y/n! You’re here. I was beginning to think you weren’t showing up, especially when Jaeyoung showed up without you,”

Luna was this year’s class president and prom coordinator, and although she always alluded to positivity, you could see through her sometimes. Like now, in particular, as she glanced at your date and nearly let her grimace slip through.

“Hello! You’re Jaemin, right? Jaeyoung’s brother. I’m actually a really good friend of hers,” Luna introduced, although you both knew she knew exactly who Jaemin was. But, Jaemin being Jaemin, he introduced himself obliviously. Despite the anxieties of the consequences of running into Jaeyoung, you couldn’t help but stand there proudly holding onto Jaemin’s arm. For what it’s worth, every girl would be jealous of you tonight, even if you were one of the hopeless piners yourself.

“Now, if you’ll walk over here and stand on this X, yes, perfect, we’ll be taking your picture,”

Luna pointed at the man standing behind the camera and signalled for you two to smile, and you twisted your body awkwardly in his hold. You were sure you looked frazzled from behind the lens but Jaemin threw out a playful “Cheese!” that brought laughter out of you. Luna clapped her hands together and snatched the copies from the photo printer. You watched her observe them for a second before Jaemin took them from her, missing the squint in his eyes.

Jaemin handed one to you and looked down at the other, bringing it closer to his face under the dim lighting. Jaemin’s heart melting smile was on display, a strand of black hair in his eyes, and beside him, encased in his arms, you were smiling widely with your eyes scrunched up in laughter.

“Oh no, I look horrible,” you whined, trying to snatch Jaemin’s copy away, but he was already giggling and stuffing it into his pants pocket. You groaned as he grasped your hand in his.

“You look cute,” Jaemin giggled, turning to lead you deeper into the crowd in time to miss the lovesick look on your face. You turned to wave goodbye to Luna, but she was already gone.

It was still hard to fathom that you were here with Jaemin, even as he caught the eye of everyone you passed to reassure you he was the one leading you through the sea of bodies. You couldn’t help but feel insecure. And as Jaemin stopped near the back corner of the venue where there were less wandering eyes, he noticed that something was off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, leaning back against the blue paper-covered wall and finally letting go of your hand. His infectious smile was beginning to fall.

“I’m sorry you have to go to a highschool prom with your sister’s best friend,” you sighed, joining him in leaning of exhaustion and shame. Your eyes were scanning the crowd, subconsciously searching for the sister in question, but soon your vision was obstructed and you found yourself staring into the same intense eyes you knew too well.

“Who was the one that dragged you here?” Jaemin questioned, his tone frustrated. He was trying to convey something to you for you to understand, and clearly you didn’t seem to get it. His arm was supporting his body on the wall behind your head, caging you in. “I wanted to bring you here, Y/n. Whether you’re very happy about it now or not, I know you will be tomorrow morning. And if not then, then when college starts. Or maybe even 50 years from now when you’ll start realizing that you don’t owe Jaeyoung anything anymore,”

The last sentence came out without Jaemin even thinking about it, and it shocked the both of you. Jaemin huffed, his head dropping toward the ground.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that,” he sighed.

I just don’t want you to hide from me for a lifetime.

His subconscious had a palm to his mouth. Jaemin said it, almost.

“You know, the whole point of a school dance is to, well, dance, right?” Jaemin suddenly chirped up, his head raising once again, his demeanor shifting in seconds. Your sudden anxiety from the suggestion distracted you from the change.

“I can’t dance,” you whined, trying to withstand the force he was tugging you toward the dance floor. Not only did you not want to embarrass yourself with your lack of skills, you also didn’t want to leave the security of the corner you were in. Being out in the open like this left too much room for Jaeyoung to spot you.

“Too bad. Dancing is just moving to music, and I’m pretty sure you can move, Y/n,” Jaemin argued.

Yeah, Jaemin did actually want to get you to dance, but he also wanted to get himself out of that little moment before he said something really stupid.

The DJ was playing an upbeat, lyricless song that most of the dancers were jumping along to, and you silently wondered how the girls could possibly get in the air in their heels. You were wobbling enough as it is.

Jaemin took both your hands in his and spent twice the effort dancing for the both of you, pulling you along to the beat. He admired the way your dress shone under the fluorescent blue lighting. A smile was slowly beginning to creep up your face, and that was enough.

Two songs in and your walls had been torn down by Jaemin, your body moving carelessly along with his as he showed off all his questionable moves. He had you laughing hysterically, body hunched as he mildly impressed you with his body rolls and overexaggerated facial expressions. He sent you a final wink as he bowed with the outro of the song, laughing in that endearing way where he would clap his hands like a seal.

But then the music changed. The lights dimmed and everything slowed for a moment, the night winding down to an end. It was the moment everyone had been waiting for. The slow song.

They changed it abruptly and without warning, as if they wanted to see how everyone would react. In your own little world, you and Jaemin’s eyes met, and even with the racing anxiety in you, there was nothing stopping you from wrapping your arms around his neck. Jaemin had the ghost of a smile on his face, his features trying to be serious as he snaked his hands to the dip of your hips. His hands were big as they ran rampant on your curves, sending chills up to the top of your head.

With your growing confidence tonight, and the way he didn’t hold back with his grazes, you found it in yourself to touch his nape, your fingers hesitating to reach into his hair until he tilted his head to the side and leant into your touch. He hummed as you wound your fingers through the soft strands, his head knocking forward until your foreheads touched, his eyes closed. Your breath caught in your throat and you were sure he noticed, but he didn’t say anything as you continued the slow sway to the piano in the background.

This may have been the closest you’ve ever been to Jaemiin. It was quite amazing, really, that you’d known this boy all this time, yet the history books of you and him were blank.

“Aren’t you glad you came?” he asked, his eyelashes fluttering. You could barely find it in yourself to respond, not when he was in front of you like this. You were on a one way trip down the hole in your heart designated for him and your unfeasible infatuation.

“Yeah,”

Below your restricted line of sight, Jaemin smiled bigger than he had all night, because all he wanted for you right now was to be happy. To enjoy one of the last moments of your senior year with him, wait, without Jaeyoung. Just for the night, or even just for a moment, something could finally be yours to keep.

And for a moment, you forgot about Jaeyoung, and Luna, and everyone else really but Jaemin. He was all you could see, feel, you were surrounded by him and it was inescapable. After tonight, you’d never want to go back to the way things used to be.

But you’d never had a choice before, so why did you ever think that would change? Because you were in love, and you were naive. You thought you were invincible, and that everyone else around you was, too.

“You’re fucking kidding,”

You shot away from Jaemin so fast he barely had time to register it, his tight grip on your waist trailing with you until he stumbled a bit forward. Your eyes somehow tracked her down immediately, your guilt-ridden face finding Jaeyoung’s just a few feet away. Even with your best friend right in front of you, all you could comprehend was the music still playing and how upset you were that you didn’t even get to finish the song.

“I must be imaging this right now,” Jaeyoung scoffed, her eyes wild behind her pretty face. Was she really this upset?

“I brought her here, Jae,” Jaemin cut in, stepping a bit in front of you. It was the first mistake made that night.

“No, no, really. This is all a joke, right?” Jaeyoung cried, looking between the two of you. Betrayal was written across her face and you should’ve known this would happen. Jaeyoung was nothing if not true to her beliefs. If you thought for a second that she would be happy for you, seeing you enjoying the night instead of wallowing alone, you were wrong.

You were so fucking wrong.

“You promised,” Jaeyoung whispered, her initial anger fizzling. Despite how happy you felt before, and how little you understood her resentment, you still found the guilt setting in as you realized how upset your best friend was over this. You never knew the consequences would be to this degree, because all this time, you’d complied.

“Calm down, Jaeyoung,” Jaemin muttered, observing the influx of attention towards her little scene. Mistake number two.

“Give me the keys,” Jaeyoung demanded. You glanced at Jaemin, doubting if he would really do it.

You didn’t notice then that she was alone. You didn’t realize then that Jaehyun wasn’t with her anymore.

“Give me the keys, Jaemin,” she said again, her tone calmer yet sharper than before. Jaemin reached into his pocket and placed the car keys in her hand.

It was the final nail in a coffin that shut in silence. You should say something. Why couldn’t you say anything to her?

But would you have sacrificed your happiness for her? For the umpteenth time? You’d never know. No one would. Because Jaeyoung stormed out before you could even try to defend yourself. You stepped forward to follow her, but Jaemin grabbed your arm and pulled you back. He shook his head at you, and you listened. Maybe that was the third mistake. Strike out.

They say the right people will always walk into your life. But they never talk about when they walk out.

Jaeyoung walked out that night, and whether it would’ve been for good or not on any other day, it was for good that night. Because destiny was cruel.

The call came an hour later. You wished it never did. Your shoulder was brushing against his as you sat on the curb of the sidewalk when Jaemin’s phone rang.

“Jaemin, are you and Y/n still at the school?” his mother spoke, Jaemin’s phone on speaker as you both looked at each other. It was the last time you’d ever meet his eyes without seeing your monsters. If only you knew then to engrave it into your memory.

You didn’t know anything that night. It was heaven just a moment ago, why did things have to change?

“Yeah, why?” he asked. She sounded so distraught, you already knew there was something wrong. You just never thought it would be the truth.

“She’s--” her voice got caught in a sob, choking her.

“Who? Jaeyoung?” Jaemin spoke, his voice getting more frightened each second that passed as you both waited for her to find her voice again.

“She’s been in an accident. You need to come home,”

The phone dropped to the ground. What a cruel, cruel world it was.

“Come on, Y/n! We don’t have much time!” Jaeyoung called to you, her long legs taking steps that dwarfed your own. You had your growth spurt a bit later than everyone else, and in the eighth grade, that made you significantly shorter than your best friend.

Your hand was clasped in hers as she dragged you through the crowd. She knew where your families were, waiting for the two of you to come back from a trip to the ice cream stand. People were standing, some settled on blankets atop the grass, everyone looking up toward the town’s clocktower. You two had one minute.

“Jaeyoung, over here!” It was Jaemin. He was in ninth grade at the time, and to you, that meant he was officially out of your league. High schooler Na Jaemin was too cool to hang out with a middle school girl. Especially if she was his little sister’s best friend.

“Did you get your ice cream?” your mother asked the two of you, and you both gave a thumbs up in unison. The gesture was followed up with a chorus of synchronous, girlish giggles just as the countdown began.

10!

You and Jaeyoung missed the first number, but now you've caught up.

Jaeyoung nudged your shoulder.

She pointed at the colorful lights above your heads.

A chill breeze blew past, and you held your jacket tighter around your body.

Jaemin playfully reached over to try and cover Jaeyoung’s eyes.

She slapped his hand away with a laugh.

Jaemin stole a glance at you, your wide eyes scanning the dark sky in anticipation.

You didn’t notice.

Jaeyoung wrapped an arm around you and held you close.

Fireworks exploded before your very eyes, a flurry of cold fire and blazing color. You’d never seen something so beautifully chaotic, the noise ringing through your ears. If you could dream long enough, you would stay in this moment forever.

But dreams weren’t forever, and no matter how hard you tried to run towards them, you would only look back and see a world where Jaeyoung was no longer there.

------------------------------

Nothing felt like anything anymore. It was all a blank void in which you lived without really being alive. Everyone pitied you. That might’ve been the worst part. You didn’t want their pity, you just wanted her back.

You wished it were some miracle story, the ones you hear in the news where the teen girl gets hospitalized and makes an earth shattering recovery, one where people send their thoughts and prayers to her and it actually works. You could think about that night, all those weeks ago, but it was too painful. So you didn’t.

It was a story so heartbreaking you played it over and over again in your head. She swerved away from a deer in the road. The car was reported to have wrapped around a tree trunk. Jaeyoung died upon impact.

She always loved animals. More than anything, she had wanted to be a veterinarian. Fuck animals. They didn’t deserve her. And fuck deers, while we’re at it.

Graduation passed by unceremoniously. You didn’t attend, and you only heard the stories. They showed her picture, apparently.

Fuck them.

You slept whenever you could. It was the only way you could escape the world you didn’t want to be a part of anymore. You felt her absence everywhere, even in your dreams. You didn’t go by her house anymore, her car sat still in their driveway, the clothes she had forgotten still sat in your drawers. But despite how frozen her reality became, it didn't mean shit to everyone else’s reality.

You almost envied her. Almost, but you would never say it out loud. You could barely even think it. But, she really was lucky in her own morbid way. She didn’t have to stay behind and harness the pain you felt. The pain her parent’s felt. And, you were sure, the pain her brother felt.

Jaemin hadn’t been around since that night. It’s been days now.

The days turned into weeks, the weeks to months, and soon enough all your classmates were flying away on airplanes while you sat in the room you were a part of now. You were just another pillow on the bed.

It’s just a gap year. People take a year off before college all the time.

Avoiding was all you did now.

You found ways to cope. Besides wasting away in your room, you found a new passion for puzzles. It sounds boring, sure, but there was a certain calm you got out of putting the last remaining piece in its place, completing the picture in just the way it was destined to. There were no mistakes, no broken edges, and no pieces lost. It can’t go on without a single piece. Not in the perfect world of puzzles.

In your small town there were little places to turn to. Little people to talk to without them knowing. Jaeyoung’s accident was one of the most detrimental things to happen this year, and thus, it trailed you no matter where you went.

But today, you decided to be brave. For Jaeyoung.

You didn’t know what sparked the idea or the motivation, but you got yourself up off your bed and grabbed the keys from the tired, hardworking hanger. They hadn’t left their place in months.

What you didn’t anticipate was the fear of getting inside a car. Muscle memory failed you as your hands shook around the car, pushing your keys inside and shifting the gear. It was now or never, you told yourself. You’d already asked your mom to pick up the bouquet for you, so that left only one stop. And off you went.

The thing you hated about going out now was seeing the bustling lives of the world around you. It didn’t make sense how your world could be falling apart at the seams while everyone else seemed fine. Well, not fine, maybe stressed about the coffee line in the morning, or rushing on their lunch break, but it was all the little things. The kind of things that didn’t block your airways everytime you thought about it. Thought about them.

You focused your eyes straight forward, concentrating on getting yourself to your destination. The engine’s low hum was mesmerizing, the soundtrack to your journey outside again. Strangely, and sadly, a car ride would never be just a car ride anymore.

When you made it to your destination, you pulled to the side of the road and let your car run for a while as you calmed yourself in your seat. You hadn’t even taken your seatbelt off yet, considering simply driving off and never coming back.

But then you thought about your best friend, and you knew you had to get out of your car. Whether you wanted to or not.

The winds were high today and the sun was already making its descent in the later half of the day, trees stretching beyond you on either side. They were tall, haunting pine trees that looked more alive the longer you paid attention to them. And on the right shoulder, just beyond the road in a divet you would’ve never noticed otherwise, was Jaeyoung.

Well, just her face on a big poster staked into the ground.

You were content staring down at your bunch of white roses as you approached, your feet tiptoeing around the mess of flowers and notes nestled in the grass. You wondered how many people had visited the spot in the past months. You wondered who they were. If they really knew Jaeyoung like you did.

Condolences, Fly High, We’ll Miss You. Cards you would find in the grievance section of the card aisle in the grocery store. Right next to the Happy Birthday and 50th Anniversary messages. Maybe they could play music, too.

Your card was in your head. Written in your heart, but not ready to be shared. You’d come here with this grand plan to pour your heart out to her, if she was listening, and if not, to the tree trunk standing proudly oblivious to the tragedy.

But all you could do was set the flowers down nicely, and walk back to your car.

“Y/n, honey,” a voice called from outside your door, and you shut your laptop screen playing the show you knew you wouldn’t finish. It was your mom as she opened the door and peeked through the crack. “Your father and I are going out to dinner tonight with the Na’s. If you--want to come, then you’re fully welcome to,”

You didn’t miss the hesitating pause in her sentence, and while they tried their best to act like everything was normal, you knew your parents were growing tired of your detachment. Just because Jaeyoung’s parents lost their daughter, didn’t mean they had to lose theirs too.

“Maybe,” you replied. She clearly didn’t like your answer. “Is Jaemin going to be there?”

“Would you go if he was?”

What a loaded question. Would you? Why did you even ask? A part of you, more than you cared to admit, wanted to blame him. If only you hadn’t let him convince you into going, if only he hadn’t given her the keys and let Jaeyoung drive when she was so upset. If only he wasn’t so addicting.

But you still thought about him. Everyday. You wondered how he was doing, when he was going to leave for college again. There were a lot of things you wanted to say to him, and for him to say to you.

“I’ll let you decide. We’re leaving in an hour,” was the last thing she said before your mom closed the door once again.

When was the last time you went out to eat? Was it your cousin’s birthday dinner six weeks ago? You thought so. It would be a lie to say you really wanted to go.

But you knew you should. Your pain must’ve been nothing compared to what Jaeyoung’s parents felt, and that was enough to get you out of your bed.

“It’s so nice to see you guys,” your dad greeted, sitting down beside Jaeyoung’s father as you and your mother followed suit. The couple had gotten to the restaurant a bit earlier than the three of you, already seated at the table.

Two empty chairs remained. No one said anything about it.

“It feels like it’s been forever,” her mother said, and it was the truth. It had been forever. You used to see them every week.

If you tuned everything out and shut your eyes, it’d be just like any other night. Jaeyoung would be sitting beside you, playing with her straw wrapper as the adults talked about college tuition and politics. Maybe Jaemin would’ve been there too, studying the menu for far too long trying to settle the indecisiveness in his head.

But that’s what separated you from the adults. They got straight to the point. No sugarcoating, and no avoiding.

“We’re holding the funeral in two weeks,” Jaeyoung’s dad spoke, a cloud of grief looming over the table. “And we’d like to ask you all for some help in the planning,”

“Of course,” your mom agreed, immediately. So composed. So compassionate. Your parents were here to be there for her parents, not for you.

You sat silently as they discussed. They talked about the budget, the venue, the list of attendees. It would be a smaller service, consisting of family and friends. The dress code wouldn’t be black, they didn’t want it to be sad. It was to be a celebration of life.

“And, if it’s not too much to ask, Y/n,” At the mention of your name you finally drew yourself back into the conversation, having pushed it further aside the longer it dragged on. “We’d like you to speak at the service,”

Your heart dropped. That was quite possibly the last thing you’d ever want to do. How would you ever be able to stand up in front of all those people, all of whom knew Jaeyoung, and force words out of your mouth? What would you even say? Would it be appropriate to apologize, because that’s all you’d ever wanted to say to your best friend since that night. That you were so fucking sorry.

“I can’t,” you whispered, before you could even think about replying. Your parent’s faces dropped.

“Y/n, they’re asking you for this one thing. Jaeyoung would want you to speak--”

“I’m sorry,” you muttered, standing up from your seat. You’d only made it to the complimentary bread. Looking back, you were surprised you even sat there that long. You couldn’t stand the looks in their eyes.

You weaved through the tables, dodging waiters and heading out the back exit. You didn’t know where you were going. Anywhere from there.

“Y/n?” a voice called. You hated how you recognized it immediately. You ignored Jaemin’s calls as you fled, away from the truth and away from the boy who would always remind you of her. Your ears were ringing when he grabbed your arm.

“Where are you going?” he asked, and he cupped your face in his hands and forced you to look at him. When did you start crying? You only realized when the image of his face came back blurry through your tears.

You ripped your face away from his touch. It burned your skin. But not like it used to, no. This wasn’t a good burn. Your skin was in pain and all you wanted to do was escape from his flame.

Jaemin must’ve been around the back of the restaurant for a while. Your eyes darted to the place where he had been standing beside the door, a bottle of some cheap, drugstore alcohol sat open on the ground. You frowned in distaste. For the split second he let his guard down as he noticed your judgement, you turned on your heel and walked away once again.

“Y/n, y/n wait,”

Fuck. You stopped, but you didn’t turn around. His voice had grown small now, defeated, and he was pleading with you this time. He wasn’t ordering you, he wasn’t scolding you.

“Just let me drive you home, please. I drank two sips from that beer, I promise,”

“Why?” you cried, your face scrunching in pain out of his view. He knew how painful this was, right? “I really don’t want to right now, Jaemin,”

“I can’t-” he paused, and you glanced over your shoulder to see the tears in his eyes. “I can’t let you walk away without knowing you get home safe. Not anymore. Just let me drive you home,”

The car ride back was silent, the tears drying on his cheeks as they flowed down yours. Jaemin got a new car, you noticed. You both didn’t address the half empty pack of beer in the backseat.

When he pulled into your empty driveway no words had been exchanged still, and you surely weren’t going to say something first, so you got out and didn’t look back. Only when you closed the front door shut did you hear his engine run once again.

Car rides were never just car rides anymore. It was the first time you’d seen Jaemin in three months.

Jaemin couldn’t stop thinking about you. Not for a second. And that was the undeniable, heartbreaking truth.

He thought about turning his car around that day he dropped you off. Would you have answered the door if he knocked? Would you have nursed his heart like he wanted you to?

He dropped out of college. It wasn’t his proudest moment, and his parents definitely weren’t happy about it, but in a way, he could see the relief they felt with him in the house again. Jaemin didn’t know if they would’ve been able to handle an empty house. That wasn’t to say he was always home. Jaemin spent his nights out late these days, with no company. He was always alone, doing something useless with his time, because who was there to tell him to get on with his life?

He blamed himself a lot, when things got really fucking bad. And then he’d feel like the air was gone around him, and he couldn’t breathe. Jaemin knew he did a lot of things wrong that night, but it was done now. Now, he had a new problem on the horizon. You.

He didn’t even know what the hell he had been caught up in not to call you. Jaemin knew he should’ve checked up on you, and that’s what made him regret it even more.

He tried to drown it out with the alcohol, but he’d grown immune to it by now.

He didn’t expect to walk into his house four days later and see you sitting there in his living room. Was he dreaming? He heard voices from the kitchen, one he recognized as your mother’s, but all he could see was you. Your eyes were squeezed shut and your hands were in fists by your sides, and Jaemin felt a rush of anger through him. The adults could be so clueless sometimes. How could they not see you here, suffering?

A vague voice in the back of his mind told him that maybe he shouldn’t have, but he stormed up to you and grabbed your arm. You were jolted up by the contact, but Jaemin ignored it as he pulled you up and toward the door.

“Where are we going?” you hiccuped, eyes looking everywhere but the lonely car in the driveway. Jaemin was silent in his anger, leading you toward his car near the sidewalk and guiding you in.

He drove to the first place he could think of.

Him and Jaeyoung would come here a lot when they were kids, a field on the western outskirts of town. It was where they held the annual fireworks show to mark the beginning of each new year. It was empty this time around, which Jaemin wanted.

He didn’t wait for you as he got out of the car and strolled a few steps forward, scanning the endless sight of grass before him. You followed him moments later, sticking your side to the door of his car as you watched him, waiting. He had brought you here, and you wanted to know why.

“Why aren’t you going to college?” he asked. You swallowed, your body caving inward as the wind blew past you. You barely had legs to stand on anymore.

“Gap year,” you answered, short and simply. You hated that he sounded disappointed when he was standing here on a September evening too. “There’s nothing out there for me anymore,”

“You should’ve left this town,” he murmured, so quietly you wondered if he was really talking about you anymore. Regret was laced in his voice. Frustration simmered in you. If he was so knowledgeable on what’s good for you, why couldn’t he figure it out for himself?

“There’s nothing out there for me anymore,”

Jaemin sighed, leaving his distant position to round the car. He didn’t look at you as he approached you, but soon he was right in front of your face and you couldn’t ignore now how hurtful your words must’ve been.

And then his arms wrapped around you, and you felt even worse.

“I know you don’t mean that. I know you’re upset right now,” he murmured, his mouth near your ear and his cheek brushing against your hair.

But the sun was setting and the light was washing away, and you knew your parents must be wondering where you went.

“Don’t move,” he whispered, clutching onto you with his hair over his face and tears in his eyes.

“Jaemin, I have to go,” you croaked, your mind begging your body to move. But no matter how much you willed it to, it couldn’t. It was your heavy heart rooting you in place.

“Can’t we just stay like this?” he asked. Jaemin sunk into you. He always had a fear of falling. “Can we start over?”

“It’s getting dark,”

“I think darkness is beautiful. Our fears stare us straight in the face but we can’t even see them. The sky could fall to my feet and I wouldn’t know it,”

Pretty profound words from the boy who never really showed emotion. You realized you didn’t know much about Jaemin, and it crushed you.

“But would you hear it, you think?”

“I don’t think so. I’d like to think our worlds would decay in silence,”

------------------------------

You were lying awake in your bed, the night growing older and the silence ringing in your ears. You jolted in shock when something hit your window. You knew who it must’ve been before you peered out to look, hoping you were wrong yet begging that you were right.

Jaemin stood in front of your one-story window, peering inside with tears painting his cheeks. You opened the window and allowed him inside, no questions asked as you accepted that this was the way things were now. Days can be so good until one bad thought and they’re ruined.

Jaemin stood in your room awkwardly, looking around. The endless stack of puzzle boxes caught his eye, but he didn’t say anything about them. You realized it was the first time he’d ever been in here. You closed the window shut again, and was then pulled by the arm abruptly. Your face was dangerously close to his now, and now you had a few questions.

“Why are you here, Jaemin?” you asked, wanting so badly to touch his cheek, but you refrained. He was silent for a while before he thought up an answer.

“I wanted- needed to see you,” Jaemin responded, his eyes cast down like he was distracted by something. “I hate being alone at night these days,”

You didn’t know what to think of that. Was he always with people at night? Other girls?

You were intensely aware of his fingers grazing your arm, his touch blazing a path down your skin. You wanted to tell him to stop, his fire burning a bigger hole in your chest, but you didn’t want to. Not when he was right here, looking at you like that.

You both knew he was using you, pushing all feelings aside for distraction, but neither of you cared.

His lips were on yours in an instant, fierce and hungry and not like how you imagined your first kiss with him at all. His hand covered the back of your head and pulled you impossibly closer, breathing you in like you were his lifeline. Maybe you were.

“Tell me this is okay,” Jaemin panted between kisses, never long enough to really get the words out. Now that he got something he couldn’t seem to get enough.

“It’s okay, Jaemin. Keep going,”

He didn’t need to be told twice.

Jaemin led the both of you blindly to the bed disregarding your parents upstairs. Your back landed onto the mattress and you bounced a bit into his chest, his body pressed flush against you.

Your lips were so sweet, Jaemin was drunk on them. His heart was racing just as fast as yours, shocked by the gravity of the situation despite being the instigator. His brain was spinning and his actions were justified by the ache in his heart and the longing he had for you.

Your arms were linked around his neck when his hands slid underneath your thin tank top, groaning at the smoothness of your skin. Fuck, your heart was about to burst out of your chest.

Both your shirts were gone in a rush, your hands searching for a touch as you ran your fingertips down the length of his torso. You felt him shudder beneath you, a heavy breath releasing harshly out his nose. His lips traveled down to your neck, and you wondered if he could feel your pulse under your skin. Jaemin nibbled lightly behind your ear, reveling in your whimpers. He traveled down even further, taking one breast and descending his mouth onto it. You brought a palm to your mouth trying to cover your moans, and Jaemin had the capacity to smirk up at your reaction. His tongue lapped over your nipple slowly, sensually, before moving onto the other side.

Your back lifted up off the mattress, into his touch, one of his arms scooping underneath your torso to pull you up and support your arch. Your fingers threaded through his hair, pulling and tugging to keep yourself grounded.

“Jaemin,” you whispered, pulling a bit harder on your head until he looked up at you. “I want to feel you now, please,”

Jaemin had been trying to hold himself back, take his time and test the waters, but it took that one plea for him to unleash his desires.

“Fuck,” he growled, kissing you softly, your lips sticking together. He nipped your bottom lip slyly before leaning back a little.

Jaemin sat up and tore his pants and underwear off in one go, turning over to help you out of your flimsy shorts. You were both bare now, the dim moonlight flooding in through your window to cast glowing shadows across your bodies. You both stayed still there for a moment, taking the other in. Regret didn’t hit either of you until now, staring the situation in the face, but you surely weren’t going to stop when you’d already gone this far.

“Condom?” he asked, but you shook your head.

“Are you clean?” you asked. “I’m on contraceptives,”

“I’m clean, I promise,” Jaemin replied, soothing your worries and reaching down to pet your head affectionately. “Are you ready?”

“I’ve been ready for a long time,” you joked, and Jaemin chuckled lightly, looking down at his length. He stroked it a few times, shifting his hips down as you felt the tip poke against your entrance. You were aware of how embarrassingly wet you’d gotten from so little interaction, but Jaemin groaned at the feeling.

“You’re so fucking wet, all for me,” he murmured, sinking slowly into your inviting entrance. You whined at the stretch, his thick length stretching you out. Your body was quite inexperienced with sizes as large as his.

“You’re doing great for me, baby,” He let the pet name slip, but it hung low over both of your heads. Once Jaemin bottomed out, you both sighed in sync.

“You’re so big,” you whispered, and Jaemin leaned down closer to your face to place a feather-like kiss to your lips. His forehead rested against your own, his breathing ragged as he held himself back from pounding into you. “You can move now, Jaem,”

Jaemin’s warmth pulled away from you again and relocated to your hips, his large hands gripping your body roughly as he thrusted slowly in and out. There was no noise in your room apart from the heavy breathing and lewd squelches of your entrance, Jaemin glancing down entranced by the sight of his cock slipping in and out of you.

“You’re so beautiful,” he sighed, under his breath like he didn’t mean for you to hear it. Your sweaty palm was still covering your mouth, but Jaemin tugged your arm down and released your open mouth to the cool air. He wanted to hear the effect he had on you.

Jaemin was beginning to speed up, his grip tightening its hold as he pulled your hips down onto his every time he thrust forward. You felt him everywhere, deep in your stomach like he was becoming a part of you.

“Jaemin, fuck,” you moaned, your hands coming up to grip your breasts trying to level your floating brain. Jaemin’s eyes darted to the sight and widened, his lip tugging between his teeth harshly.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this,” he admitted. “Wanted to fuck this tight little pussy for so long. So fucking long,” He punctuated each word with a harsh thrust, hard enough to push you a bit further up the bed like he was trying to prove something.

Jaemin was trying to show you that he could make you feel good. That he wasn’t always going to make you feel shitty, even when it wasn’t intentional.

“Are you close?” he asked breathlessly. You hummed in affirmation. Jaemin slipped a hand down to your pussy, his thumb reaching out to rub harshly against your clit. You sucked in a breath, not daring to breathe with the risk of crying out. You let it out slowly, a squeaky whine coming out instead.

You were thrashing around underneath Jaemin, your walls pulsating around his cock. His eyes closed and his eyebrows furrowed, grunting softly as you orgasmed around him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he groaned, his pace unfaltering as he chased his own high. 30 seconds later he buried himself in your walls, his cum shooting deep inside of you. Your walls were still clenching around his softening cock, muscles in your body twitching sporadically as you came down from your orgasm. And as you came off your high, the closer you got to the ground. To reality.

Jaemin was in your room right now, the mixture of yours and his cum leaking out of your entrance and onto the sheets. It was real, the fact that you had just fucked Jaemin. You weren’t sure if this was right for either of you emotionally, but it felt so fucking good. You and Jaemin were self destructive.

------------------------------

“I’d like to thank you all for attending our celebration of life. Tonight is a special night, one that my husband and I wanted to share with you all,”

You sat in the lawn chair frozen, eyes fixated on Jaeyoung’s mother as she stood bravely before the crowd, using her time to address all the guests. Tonight was the night of Jaeyoung’s funeral, and while you were supposed to speak, you haven't planned anything specific. You decided it would be best to speak from the heart.

As her mother continued with her speech, swallowing through the pain as she spoke about her daughter, many sniffles could be heard amongst the crowd as she began to tear up as well. She had spoken to you about it earlier, when you had arrived early to help set up, about how she hadn’t wanted to cry during her speech. She wanted to keep things lighthearted, but that was impossible.

Her son wasn’t even here.

That’s right, Jaemin still hadn’t shown up. You were upset that he had left you alone here in the front row, but you were even more upset that he was letting his parents down. You didn’t ask them where he was, because they surely didn’t know. And it would be no use to bring it to their attention that he wasn’t here, they were fully aware.

But you pushed it to the back of your mind, because tonight wasn’t about him. It wasn’t even about you and him, in the same sentence, it was about Jaeyoung. And it was about letting go of all the pain and leaving more room for reminiscing. Now it was about spending time with the people who knew her, who she lived on through in their memories.

“Now, before we get to the burial, I would like to ask Jaeyoung’s best friend and sister at heart, as we always called her, up to the stage to give a few words,” She was dabbing her tears away with a soft fabric as you stood and approached the pedestal, and she gave you a solemn pat on the shoulder in comfort as she made her way back to her seat.

It was right then that you wished you had at least made an outline of what you wanted to say beforehand. You were frozen now that you were looking out at the sea of familiar faces, but you clasped your hands together and decided to go for it blind.

“If you knew Jaeyoung, you knew me as well. I was always with her, afterall. Next to her, on the phone with her, and even in the little necklace she’d always wear around her neck. I had gotten it for her for her 14th birthday, a photo of us tucked into the metal,”

You reached your hand up and felt the cool metal beneath your fingers, toying with it nervously.

“There are a lot of things I thought I had wanted to say to you all tonight, but I’m realizing now that it was all so negative. And I don’t think that’s the story Jaeyoung would want me to tell, so I’m kind of changing my plans right now. Please bare with me,”

Everyone was watching you with pity and expectancy, waiting for you to catch your quickening breath.

“Jaeyoung and I came in a pair. There was no Jaeyoung without Y/n, and no Y/n without Jaeyoung. It’s heartbreaking to think that it’s just me now. But, Jaeyoung has always been there for me, navigating this world by my side even when she had her own problems, her own highs and her own lows. If I could speak to her again, she would probably tell me to get up and learn to live without her, because she’s been trying to get me to do that all my life. It’s selfish for me now to put everything on hold, I realize, when all she’s wanted for me is to follow my dreams,”

“Sometimes, when the monsters creep out from the closet, I see the void in the world she left. But my one mistake is never finding anything to fill it with. Just like she would want me to. We can’t leave our shadows dark, even if what we might find scares us. Someone told me that darkness is beautiful, but I disagree. I think the light is what we need before it consumes us. Where would we be without the sun? Or the moon, or the stars? We should be frightened by a falling sky, or we would never live our days like it could happen someday. A life without fearing death is a life without value,”

“And so, I dedicate my days to Jaeyoung. To my best friend who loved animals and loved this time of day, with the sun hiding behind a sliver in the trees. To Jaeyoung, who loved the smell of her car’s air freshener and hated mine. I dedicate my life to her because she never got to live hers, and if there’s nothing else I could give her then at least I can give her the satisfaction of watching her best friend flourish down a path without forgetting where she came from. Right, Jaeyoung? I won’t cry anymore. I’ll take care of myself, of your family, and of your memory. This isn’t a goodbye but a farewell, to the best friend I could have ever asked for,”

You didn’t remember saying any of that once you exited the stage, your feet carrying you past the applause and out of the venue before you could see the tears mixed with smiling faces. If you needed closure, you needed to do one more thing.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The number you have called is not available right now. Leave your message after the beep.

Beep.

“Jaemin,” you sighed, collapsing onto the bench in front of the building, letting your feet rest in your uncomfortable heels. You weren’t sure what you were expecting from him anymore. “Jaeyoung’s service ended. You weren’t there,”

Obviously. You just didn’t have anything else to say. You stayed silent on the line for a while, racking your brain for something better, maybe expressing your frustration with him, but no words came, so you simply hung up.

You didn’t go back inside. You didn’t think you could handle the sight of them lowering the casket into the ground.

So you drove, and drove, and drove, until you passed places you recognized from before and the night wasn’t young anymore. The headlights were blinding, making it hard to see much of anything. You were driving without purpose and without a destination, so distracted by the thoughts in your mind to even realize where you were.

You were on the street you’d driven a hundred times before. Half a block away was your school. Well, your old school. You’re an alumni now.

You sure as hell didn’t want to stop by, especially in the dead of night, but there were another set of headlights in the parking lot, and you were too curious not to give it an extra look. And for the single second you devoted your attention to the trespasser, you realized who it was.

Why the hell was Jaemin in the school parking lot on the night of his sister’s funeral?

You made a last minute, screeching turn left in through the curiously open gate. You didn’t even bother to park between one of the designated lines and shot out of your car with the engine still running.

“Jaemin?” you called, the dim yellow lamp posts scattered around doing nothing to aid your vision as you squinted to get a better look. You could see the shadow of his body resting against the hood of the car, and you approached cautiously.

“Is this what you’ve been doing this whole time?” you chastised, picking up one of the empty beer cans from the painted metal surface and tossing it to the ground. There Jaemin was, drunk and silent, alone while you just lived through possibly the hardest thing you’ve ever had to sit through.

“I didn’t want to go,” he stated simply, shrugging off your disappointment like it was nothing. You could tell he wasn’t sober, his cheeks tinted pink and his words slurring a bit. But there was little evidence in the empty cans that he was completely shitfaced, although you speculated his emotions were drunkening him all on their own.

“You were supposed to be there. For your parents, for Jaeyoung,” you paused, fighting the urge to snatch the newest can from his hand and throwing it to the pavement. “You were supposed to be there for me,”

Jaemin’s nonchalant attitude faltered a bit, his shoulders slumping deeper into his gaping chest. He had been staring out toward the gymnasium across the stretch of concrete, the building so familiar yet the core memory of it in his mind played through the extravagant decorations and aura of that night. It didn’t look as lively anymore, as if it knew it was too soon to get things up and running again.

“Why are you doing this, Jaemin? What are you trying to prove? That you’re better than everyone else? Or that you can’t cope? Whatever it is, whoever you are, this isn’t the Jaemin I know,”

You hated that you thought of how his hands felt on you.

“Maybe you don’t even know me, what about that?” he argued, his tone growing defensive.

“You’re saying it like it’s my fault! I’m sorry I’m such a big inconvenience for you, but you don’t have to care about me anymore,” you shouted. You were too upset and overrun with emotion to realize how hurtful it sounded. “Jaeyoung is gone. There’s nothing tying you to me. You don’t even have to know me,”

“Are you fucking serious?” Jaemin asked incredulously, his eyebrows furrowed as he turned and approached you. You regretted it now, now that you weren’t just staring at the back of his head. Jaemin was right in front of you now, for you to see the pain in his expression.

“What if I told you it was never about her when it came to you? What if she was the only thing holding either of us back?” He was mad now. “Don’t forget I’ve known you just as long as Jaeyoung has. And even though I didn’t get to know you, like really know you, I saw you in your best moments. Do you know how hard it is to watch a girl smile everyday and eat candy until her stomach hurts and sing until she’s out of breath? I was young, Y/n. I didn’t get to see those moments in other girls like I saw in you. I was impressionable. I had a boyish crush that you just can’t shake. I know how she felt about the idea of you and me, but fuck, how can you expect me to keep fighting for her when you’re the one standing right in front of me?”

“And for months, I only wished for one thing. I wanted so badly to take the silence in her soul and put it into mine. I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t call my parents and let them know I’m okay, I couldn’t even open my damn eyes. Is it so selfish of me to have found a reason to stay? Does it make me unworthy of love? Of loving you?”

The influx of information was too much. You found out so much in so little time, and the only thing you could do was cry.

Hard, broken sobs right in front of him. Jaemin’s shield was gone in an instant.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, stepping forward and pulling you into his chest. He hated that it was too soon. Jaemin hated that the right thing to do would have been to give you space. To give you time and sit on his feelings like it would be forever until he could tell you. He tore you right apart. “I’m sorry, Y/n. Please don’t cry, forgive me. You’ll always have a place in me,”

You weren’t really sure why you were so emotional. Shouldn’t you have been happy? You finally got what you wanted. Jaemin reciprocated your feelings. And whether everything seemed heightened right now, for the both of you, you could still tell that somewhere inside of him, he meant what he said.

But you backed away regardless. He smelled too strongly of alcohol, and no matter what he said, it didn’t change the fact that he didn’t decide to give Jaeyoung even the time of day. You wiped the tears away and spoke directly to the boy in front of you, broken pieces and all.

“You know that’s too painful, Jaemin. For the both of us,”

Jaemin couldn’t handle the sight of you walking away. He was numb yet his body felt like it was being electrocuted.

“Don’t go,” he begged, his footsteps wavering until his knees hit the ground. You turned with the little pity you had left in your heart. “You’re half of me now,”

Jaemin let out a sigh when he heard you come back. But you stopped just short, your hand reaching out to him.

“Give me your keys. Call someone if you want to get home, you’re not driving drunk,”

And then you drove off. Jaemin had a knack for letting go of people in his life, even when he didn’t have to.

As if your days couldn’t get any worse, you ran into possibly the last person you’d ever expected to see the next morning in a flower shop down the road.

“Jaehyun?” you gasped, eyes locking with the boy behind the cashier. He was wearing a green apron, a part of the uniform, with a name tag pinned to his chest with neat handwriting scrawled across the front. He was similar to how you remembered him, nothing had changed much.

“Y/n, wow. Uh, welcome?” You both chuckled at the awkward greeting, before it went quiet as the elephant in the room grew.

“I, uh, heard the funeral was last night,” he commented. “I’m really sorry,”

You’d heard that one countless times before, but it meant something more coming from the college boy. He was with Jaeyoung that night, until he wasn’t.

“Whatever happened that night, with you and Jaeyoung?” you asked. Jaehyun’s face darkened and the mood shifted. Even though you were learning to grow comfortable talking about her, you forgot others might not have moved on so easily.

“I had gone to go get her that stupid milkshake she likes from Hank’s, the one with about 100 grams of sugar,” he sighed. “She was going to come along with me, ditch the fun for a late night date, but then this girl had approached her and said she saw you and, well, her brother there together,”

You nodded in acceptance, urging the boy to continue.

“I could tell she was so upset, but she always tried to hide things like that when she was with me. I had gone for her drink in hopes it would make her feel better when she went off to look for you. I really did like her, you know. I was planning on asking her out that night, properly,”

Jaehyun’s story was sad but beautiful, the perspective of the boy Jaeyoung was head over heels for, who just wanted to make her prom night that much more special.

“Are you here for Jaeyoung?” he asked, blinking his tears away and gesturing to the flower displays. You nodded, and he held up a finger signaling you to wait as he walked toward one of the shelves.

“She told me one time when she visited me during my shift that she always loved tulips. I teased her about it then, wondering why it wasn’t roses or carnations or something, but she insisted that they were the best flower,” Jaehyun walked back over and handed you a flowing bouquet of white tulips, fresh and picture perfect. “It’s on the house. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“Thank you, Jaehyun,” you sighed, walking out of the store with a greater passion inside. All the missing puzzle pieces were beginning to fall into place.

Apparently, graveyards were empty on a typical Wednesday afternoon. You nodded politely to an elderly man sitting on a bench down the stretch of sidewalk, making your way to the lot you were looking for.

For being a place of burial, the scenery was quite beautiful. Everything was green and well kept, colorful flowers and objects littering the expanse of the field as the sun shone bright and blazingly down on the marble. On the edge of the field was a forest, similar to the ones surrounding the rest of the town’s perimeter, trees standing proudly in the open landscape.

Na Jaeyoung

Forever remembered as a loving daughter, sister, and friend.

Her brand new headstone was spotless, the earth before it clearly disrupted as it now took the time to settle back into place. There was a framed photo of her leaning against the stone, dozens of flowers placed down with candles arranged around them. You set your tulips at the foot of the beautiful, chaotic mess, your heart warming at your contribution.

“Hey, Jaeyoung,” you began. It was a lot easier speaking to her directly, in private, than in front of all those people last night. “I came as soon as I could. Could you tell? I barely got ready this morning,”

It was a lot harder to speak without getting a response.

“I saw Jaehyun today. He’s still thinking about you. He was a good one, JaeJae. He’s probably my favorite one out of all your escapades. Oh, and my 19th birthday is coming up. Yours is, too, soon after,”

Small talk ways over. There’d been something nagging at you for weeks now, something you could never quite place, but now that you were here, heart to heart, it was all clear in your mind.

Rule number one, you can never unfriend her.

“I’ll visit you all the time, I promise,” You knelt down low until you sat, your legs crossing in front of you on the grass. “And even if I’m away, I’ll make sure to check in on your parents. They’re doing better now, Jaeyoung. Your mom is doing so well. Your dad has been talking about retiring so they can travel more. And Jaemin-”

Rule number two, you can never lie or keep secrets from her.

“Jaemin isn’t doing so well. I don’t know what to do about it, Jaeyoung. It’s a bit complicated between him and me,”

You paused and forced the tears back. If you didn’t cry over Jaeyoung, you definitely weren’t about to cry over her brother.

“But I think I really like him. I want to see him everyday and talk to him, make sure he’s okay. He’s really torn up over all of this, and I think he’s blaming himself too much. I don’t want to lose him too, but I’m not sure if I even have him,”

Your heart was pounding like she could hear your confession. You hope she could, no matter how much it still frightened you.

“I know how you felt, feel, about us. But I can’t help it, Jaeyoung. These days especially, he reminds me of you. He’s all I have left of you, and I’m starting to plant these seeds in my head that maybe things can work out between us. Dangerous, isn’t it?”

The wind was beginning to pick up, the clouds moving quickly overhead until the blocked the harsh, beating sun.

Rule number three, you are not allowed to fall in love with her brother.

“I think I love him, Jaeyoung,”

It was your first time saying it out loud. It felt like the earth shattered for a second, so quickly no one would realize it, but you felt it. Because in your world, it had shattered and reassembled so many times you recognized the feeling of crumbling apart.

“And I’m sorry if it upsets you, I’m sorry I let you drive off that night. I should have said something to you, anything, even if they were my words now. I love him. I love Jaemin. I hope you can be happy for me,”

“Because you’ll always be my best friend, regardless. I’ll always be the one making sure of it, though. I love you too, Jaeyoung. I love both of you, and I wish things were different. But right now, with the way things settled into place, all I can do is sit here and offer myself up to you. I miss you, Jaeyoung, but I know I’ll be able to move past this with you in my heart,”

A rustle of motion broke you out of your one sided conversation, pulling your attention away as you looked up searching for the source of the movement. You looked behind you first, down the pathway to see if someone else had come to visit, but it wasn’t a human.

In the distance, under the line of tree trunks and over the hill, stood a beautiful spotted doe.

It’s ears were perked and you tried to stay silent, careful not to scare it away. It was about fifty feet away from you, it’s body calm as it sniffed around at a patch of grass beneath its feet. A small smile spread across your face and you felt the connection in your soul.

It left as quickly as it appeared, dashing off elegantly back into the forest. It was almost as if it were never there.

“Hi Jaeyoung,” you whispered.

Jaemin didn’t mean anyone any harm. If anything, he was dead set on making his own life miserable, because he deserved it.

But if he really did want to keep you by his side, how many chances would it take before he got it right? He let you down that night, he knew that. But even now he still, selfishly, wishes you had stayed with him. Even if all he could offer you was his own pathetic heart and unspoken words.

When he biked down to the empty field again, he let the air slip in through his open mouth. This field may look bare and plain now, but on one night during the year it was a place of new beginnings. Jaemin came here often, hoping he would get out of it what he used to.

Maybe if he hoped for it enough, he could get some good luck on his side for once. Jaemin was skeptical, to say the least.

But when a car pulled onto the grass behind him, he thought he was dreaming.

Here you were, always managing to find him at his worst of times, and wait, was that his car?

Jaemin turned and met your eyes, his dull ones staring into the flames on your own. He was so convinced you were about to start lecturing him, yelling and punching like he deserved. That’s why he almost fell to his knees when you opened your mouth.

“I love you,”

Wait, was Jaemin sure he wasn’t in some fairytale wonderland? He’s been going crazy enough these days, the possibility wasn’t too far out of reach.

“No, you don’t,” he replied dully. And even though it discouraged you a bit, you grit your teeth and continued.

“No, Jaemin. I’ve learned that there’s a difference between loving someone, and wanting to love someone. I don’t want to, but I love you,”

You could see the way his eyes widened in the sunlight, tired shadows and ghosts of tears haunting his features. But he still looked so handsome standing there, like he always did. If you squinted, gave your vision a bit of assistance to blur his image, he was the same boy you grew up with. The same boy you fell in love with all these years.

“Did you hear me, Jaem?” you cried, a maniacal smile on your face as every little piece of lead weight lifted off your shoulders. “I love you,”

The corners of Jaemin’s lips were beginning to crack up, a smile slowly making its way onto his face. You swore there was a twinkle in his eyes.

“Damn it, Y/n,”

Jaemin took large billowing steps toward you, a smile on his face as he cradled your face in his hands and smashed his lips against yours. You both collectively sighed.

Finally.

You intake oxygen and feel it flow through your lungs, but you haven’t truly breathed like this since the moment you found out she couldn’t anymore.

You’ve been thinking about it a lot, that maybe it’s better in a way that you'll die someday. One day Jaemin will be gone and you’ll be gone too, just like Jaeyoung. And even if having forever with him sounds perfect on paper, if you could love him until the end of time, your days together would mean nothing. Death only brings value to your love.

We die for moments like these. If we lived for them, there’d be no point in losing everything one day. And at last you knew that your story had come to an end. The timing was all wrong and the universe waits for no one.

thank you for reading! If you follow me and keep up with my updates then you know i’ve been having a hard time recently in my own private life, but this fic was something i was determined to get done and i did it! I’m very proud of myself and this fic and i hope you all enjoyed it. there may be a lot of errors because i didn't proof read this lol.

~ kat

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#juno reads things #HUH?#IM CRYING #as someone who has experienced such losses in their life ……#i felt this fic in my soul #the progression from pushing each other away to holding onto each other bc it’s all you have left …….#tears #real emotional tears