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shale: Did you take out marble as I requested?
slate: marble has been taken out, yes.
slate: It was a great restaurant.
slate: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
slate: marble proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.
marble: No, no, hold up, rewind.
marble: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??
slate: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.
shale: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.
slate: Okay, but if your not gay then why are you always holding my hand and kissing me and telling me I’m your boyfriend?
marble: Dude- Its satire!
slate: THAT'S NOT WHAT SATIRE MEANS!
marble: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.
slate: Erm... it’s nice see your smile when you win!
marble: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.
marble: There's no way they like me back.
shale: slate would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.
marble: slate would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun.
marble: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?
shale: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honors of indulging in sexual activities with you?
slate: What the fuck is wrong with you two?
marble: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
slate: Were you going to get me flowers?
marble: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ
slate: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.
marble: Hi, I’m ‘things’.
slate: Chillin' in a hot tub!
marble and slate, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!
slate, to marble: We had a date!
slate: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*
marble: The stars are so beautiful...
slate: They're just giant balls of gas.
marble: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-
slate: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.
shale: Want to do something?
slate: Why would you try to ruin this for me?
slate: That’s why you were being so negative about this.
shale: That’s absurd. I’m always negative.
slate, to shale: If marble doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check.
marble, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!
shale: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with marble recently.
slate: No, shale, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
shale: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
slate: No! You’re the only one for me.
slate: I promise! marble and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.
shale: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
slate: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!
shale: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
shale: Hello all, it is I, your favorite person.
marble: Actually, slate is my favourite.
shale: Okay then, it is I, that bitch.
shale: Father, I have sinned.
slate: Daddy, I’ve been naughty.
marble: *sucking on a popsicle*
shale: Pfft, you practicing for when slate gets here?
marble: *takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle*
shale: Pardon the intrusion, but-
marble: On this moment or just my life in general?
shale: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?
shale: You know, on second thought, Gum would be perfection.
slate: *Gives them a strange look and hands them a piece of gum*
shale: *Thinking* Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
slate: Do you want a drink?
marble: I could go for some appy slices right now.
slate: With a little peanut butter to dip them in?
marble: FUCKING OF COURSE I WANT PEANUT BUTTER SLATE!
*while waiting outside the principal’s office*
slate: What are you in for?
marble: Oh, they just want to know if it’s cool if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium. What about you?
slate: I stabbed a kid with a screwdriver.
marble: We live very different lives.
shale: We all have our demons.
slate, grabbing marble: This one’s mine!
shale: We all have our demons.
slate, grabbing marble: This one’s mine!
slate, teaching shale to drive: Okay shale, what does a green light mean?
slate: And what about a yellow light?
shale: If you floor it, you can make it!
shale: There's rum in the cooler.
marble: What about for the children?
shale: thy can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the rum.
slate: Why don't we just give the kids water?
shale, angrily: I suppose thy could do that!
slate: Want to hear a hard riddle?
slate: A rooster laid an egg on a roof. Which way did it roll?
shale: Who cares about which way it rolled, it would be scrambled eggs by then.
slate: No, it's that roosters don't lay eggs... Jesus Christ…
marble: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."
shale: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it.
shale: H-how do you ask someone out?
slate: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
shale: ...And you said yes?
marble: Heh, slate sneezes like a girl.
slate: How about I pound you like a boy?
slate: That didn’t come out right.
marble: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.
shale: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?
slate: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
marble: shale keeps forgetting which WiFi network they're supposed to use.
marble: So I renamed ours to "shale, use this one" to help them out a little.
marble: Yeah but I'm also short and that's adorable.
marble: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.
marble: I'm hot, I’m short, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.
slate: I feel awful about killing you.
slate: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.
shale: Who's in charge here?
marble, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.
marble: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?
marble: Okay, I mean, there’s a lot of things that you can’t see that are real.
marble: You can’t see gravity. That’s real.
slate: Yeah, I can drop an apple.
slate: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?
marble: It was autocorrect.
slate: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?
marble: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
shale: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~
marble: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
slate, recording: This is so cute.
shale: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.
slate: Then why did you tell me?
shale: It's a conversation starter.
slate: It's a horrible conversation starter.
shale: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
shale: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.
slate: Are you sure marble’s going to be able to handle that IKEA furniture? They’re not very good with technical stuff…
shale: Why are you worried? IKEA was never complicated; these days, it’s even easier! Everything’s color coded, numbered, and there’s even an assembly robot option to make it even easier for marble, which we’ve obviously opted in for. All they need to do is press the clearly labeled ON button, scan the QR code on the front of the box, and it’ll take care of the rest. Even a monkey could do it!
marble: Hey, so I’m at Lowes…
slate: I should have gone with the monkey.
shale: I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good, so I simply did myself.
slate: marble, do you love me?
slate: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
marble: Well, of course I… would…
slate: I mean something really, really—
marble: slate, what did you do?
shale: I know we’re not exactly friends, but-
marble: What do you want?
shale: I've been stuck with slate for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce.
slate: I think my guardian angel drinks.
marble: shale, please calm down.
shale: I asked for two large fries!
shale: *dumps fries onto table*
shale: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!
slate: What's your greatest fear?
slate: Damn, that's deep.
slate: Mine is the Kool Aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now…
slate: shale, my old friend!
shale: I think you tried to kill me at some point.
slate: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.
slate: No, I literally fell—
marble: In love with me the moment you saw me?
marble: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.
slate: *pulls back the curtain while marble is showering*
slate: Hey did we - stop screaming it’s me - did we run out of Cheerios?
shale, laughing: JELLYSHISH!?
marble: You know what I meant!
shale: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are.
shale: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so—
marble: Say yes to drugs.
marble: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs.
marble: Can I get a waffle?
shale and slate: *fighting and yelling at each other*
marble: Can I p l e a s e get a waffle?
marble: How do I make a date really romantic?
*later, while on a date with slate*
slate: So where are we going?
marble: None of your fucking business.
*Bullying Prevention Day at school*
Teacher: slate, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?
slate: Oh, that’s easy. I’d take a pencil out of my pencil case—
Teacher: To write something to your teacher?
slate: —make sure that it’s really sharp, and ram it into their eye at full tilt! My mom always says the pencil is mightier than the sword because they can’t outlaw bringing pencils to school!
Teacher: *internal screaming*
marble: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
shale: Those are wanted posters!
marble: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?
shale: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad.
slate: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.
slate: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business*
marble, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???
slate: I can’t do this, it’s against my moral compass.
shale: YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS A ROULETTE WHEEL!
marble: The wee-woo thingy?
shale: *writing a letter*
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.
marble: shale, can I ask you a question?
marble: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?
slate: shale, you're an asshole, man.
shale: You are what you eat slate.
slate: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?
shale: How did you know I was up until 3am?
marble: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes.